From: mew3point14@doramail.com (Daniel Snyder)

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful bride. She knew love, and she 
knew what it was to be loved. But she was proud, too, and resolved not to 
give herself to anyone.

"On day of her wedding, she was dressed in her most beautiful gown and 
surrounded by everyone she loved. But she frowned, because she was 
proud and she had only half-chosen her husband-to-be. Although she 
knew him by the word of others, she had never seen his face.

"'Smile and love your husband,' they all shouted, 'smile and love your 
husband.' And the longer she did not smile, the louder they shouted, and 
the more impatient everyone became.

"Finally, she swallowed her pride and smiled weakly. In that moment, her 
bridegroom came to her. She saw him for the first time.

"He was beautiful to look upon, and charming in his bearing. Willingly, 
she smiled then. Willingly, she married him.

"What was the name of the bride?"
--
Fatalism and self-contempt were identical in Ikari Shinji's mind. He had 
been foolish to think that there was something about him that had 
fundamentally changed with puberty. Nothing had changed. Even his 
body made only a few half-hearted attempts to develop. He wasn't going 
to turn out any different than he ever had been: an awkward victim of 
circumstances and his own stupidity. It was like the gift of Midas in 
reverse: everything he touched fell apart, and more often than not turned 
on him.

Once again, he was trapped in a ridiculous Duel. Once again, Shinji was 
forced to do something he didn't believe in, simply because other people 
were telling him to. On the one hand, he could die. On the other, all that 
was going to happen was that some other little shit was going try and go 
for number one in place of this Touji character. _I don't care anymore,_ 
Shinji thought. _Let him go ahead and try._

He stepped into the tower in the center of campus. Letting the door close, 
he held the ring--his key to the Dueling Arena, his father's devil's gift--up 
on high and grimaced. The seven hooks sprang out of the wall to seize his 
body, and Shinji was shot skyward. This time, the pain only seemed to 
exhilarate him. It gave him a focus. It was something he could concentrate 
upon.

Shinji was tossed forth into the Arena to be greeted by the sight of 
Ayanami Rei's nude body. Midday sunlight poured down onto her skin, 
giving its pure white surface chiaroscuro as she moved. Against the dark 
basalt stone that made the arena she moved like a phantom of purity, like 
a delectable drop of cream upon rich cocoa powder.

She curved against the inside of his arm as she collapsed, a comfortable 
caress. Her trunk spasmed twice; and then from out of her mouth came 
the blinding light that carried the sword. Shinji seized it with all his desire, 
and pulled it up into the air, screaming, "Now is come salvation, and 
strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ!"

As Rei regained her breathing he pulled her close, feeling her warmth 
against his side. Thrills of invincibility traveled up his spine. He struck a 
pose with the nude in his arms and the sword--his phallus--clenched ready 
for combat.

"Well," his opponent muttered, "you all sure seem mighty confident of 
yourself now."

Shinji snapped, "Let's be done with this. Draw your sword."

Cautiously, somewhat doubtfully, Touji drew a rapier from out of the 
black scabbard at his hip. He held it en garde as Shinji closed the distance 
between them. Their sword tips were a handspan apart, and their 
midblades were crossed.

Touji acted first. He lunged forward, letting his hips carry him, 
endeavoring to shove his opponent's sword aside. Shinji read the move 
and stepped at an angle, dragging the flat of his blade against Touji's 
sword. Touji swung high. The blades clashed. Shinji followed his parry 
with a wild stab at Touji's left breast. Touji saw it coming and scooted 
backward, out of harm's way.

But Shinji followed up with a feint to Touji's right flank. Confused by the 
rapid follow and unusual angle, Touji was thrown off balance. Dropping 
into a crouch, he swung wildly.

Shinji blocked the blade firmly, smacking its edge with his own, full force. 
It sent a strong vibration up the rapier to its handle. Touji's hand was 
jarred, and his grip faltered. As his fingers shifted, reacquainting 
themselves with the grip, Shinji's handguard slammed onto Touji's 
knuckles.

Touji made eye contact with Shinji and abruptly felt afraid.

Shinji left the boy no more than a moment to think. His slash came down 
and outside, cutting a gash into his opponent's cheek. It wasn't deep, but a 
great deal of blood seeped out. Touji gave something like a gasp and a 
cry, and stumbled. His wild gyrations were the only thing that kept 
Shinji's blade from sweeping back to hit the Angel's Heart, though only 
centimeters separated them.

Touji fell on his left forearm and hip. His rapier dropped from his hand 
onto the stone-tiled floor. He timidly looked at Shinji. His opponent stood 
tall, smirking, a glint of madness in his eye, like a bat-winged demon 
waiting at the jaws of the bottomless pit. Touji tried to say something, but 
in his terror, could only hold up his hand in defense as Shinji approached 
for the kill.

The sword cut into Touji's arm on the upper bicep. Its sharp and heavy 
blade cleaved apart the meat, nerve and tendon, and broke through the 
bone with ease. It cut the tricep easily enough, emerging on the far side of 
the arm. The direction of the swing carried the severed arm alongside it as 
Shinji's blade continued downward. Touji had pulled his leg up towards 
his chest, contracting his quadriceps. The blade tore into it, through the 
femur, out through the hamstrings, and struck the basalt with a ring like a 
bell.

There was no way of identifying the exact stimulus. It was some external 
cue. Perhaps it was the color of the blood in the midafternoon light. 
Perhaps it was a slight torque on the sword's tip. Some cue, some 
minutiae of his circumstances, came through the delirium surrounding 
Ikari Shinji's distorted world view. His perspective changed. He was done 
projecting his anger, and there was no more energy left for him to try it. 
The severed arm slopped onto the ground.

Both boys screamed at once. Shinji, dropping to his knees, picked up the 
arm and stared at it in shock: he knew that it was no longer on Touji's 
body, but Shinji was thinking only of the arms he had seen in the past. No 
arm he'd ever known had lacked a body, had been free to lie on the 
ground. Then he saw what the other Duelist was doing. Leaning far back 
on his buttocks, Touji was clawing at the empty air where his arm had 
been, as if frantically trying to pull one out of thin air into its place. His 
stub right leg was flailing madly around, unaccustomed to this freedom 
and loss of balance

Shinji unwittingly caught a glimpse of what was happening at the end of 
the severed leg, and felt his stomach lurch. Still clutching Touji's arm in his 
hands, he noticed Rei a few steps away, staring aghast at the two boys. 
Through his mental cloud, Shinji recognized that she was someone he 
could turn to. "Rei, HELP HIM!" he shouted. "Can't you do something?"

Rei had been motionless since the commencement of the duel. When 
Shinji spoke, though, all she could say for a moment was, "The heart...the 
heart..."

"Fuck the heart," Shinji hollered, "the Duel's over, and Touji's gonna die! 
Don't you have some bandages or something? We have to stop his 
bleeding!"

The word "bandages" moved Rei out of her stupor. She walked towards 
the throne, speaking quietly to herself. Shinji's attention shifted back to 
Touji. The boy had fallen over backwards, and he was barely moving. 
Scooting around to his side, Shinji felt his forehead. It was clammy, but 
still warm. Touji's pupils were slightly dilated. Shinji swore under his 
breath. _Father...what did you do to me..._

Rei joined Shinji a moment later, clutching a few Ace bandages in her 
hands. Shinji took off his shirt and ripped in half. Each took a piece, 
wadded it up and pressed it as hard as they could directly onto the 
wound. The silk shirt refused to absorb the blood. Frantic, almost crying, 
Shinji unwound two bandages and began improvising a tourniquet. He 
wound each bandage once around the stump, then pulled it tight. Then he 
twisted the ends of the bandage around and around each other, forming a 
painfully tight press just behind the cut wound. For five minutes they 
waited, pressing on the bloody silk wads and holding the twists of cloth 
tight.

After the five minutes were done, Shinji relaxed slightly. The wounds had 
started to clot. "I guess we should try moving him," he said. Carefully, he 
wrapped Touji's body up in a bear hug and lifted him. It was odd, because 
Touji's weight was no longer distributed evenly; but by keeping one hand 
under Touji's rear and the other between his shoulder blades, Shinji was 
able to support him.

"How long will it take us to get to the infirmary?"

"We can be there in just a moment," Rei said.
--
The room was a comfortable 18 degrees centigrade. Humidity was low, at 
most 20%. There was no direct sunlight or foreign magnetic field. It was a 
room well-suited for computers, no matter how sophisticated their 
machinery was.

"I wonder, I wonder...do you know what I wonder?"

"I wonder what co-consciousness would be like."

"Not multiple personalities, where the identities are distinct and detached."

"Not schizophrenia, where there is a separation from the real world."

"But something born of a common seed."

"What if I hadn't come to terms with my pain as a child?"

"What if I had another part of myself that was angry, but strong and 
charismatic?"

"Sometimes, I could have him take over my troubles while I watched 
from afar."

"Could you live with the regrets?"

"...yes. I think I could learn to live with them."

"Perhaps, just like you had learned to deal with the real world?"

"What do you mean by 'the real world', anyway?"
--
Touji was unconscious for three days recovering from the shock. Shinji 
spent those days beside him in the infirmary. Since he had never been to 
class, he didn't see any point in starting while he bore the onus of 
attempted murder on his soul. Rei would come for a few hours at a time 
when she could, bringing Pen-pen. Neither person even spoke; and the 
bird, dimly aware of the tension in the room, would fidget quietly or else 
sleep.

Midway through the third day, Touji came out of his coma as if waking 
from sleep. The first thing he saw Shinji waiting patiently by the bed, 
reading a book. Glumly, Touji looked over to his right side. There was a 
bloody bandage wrapped around a stump on his shoulder, and nothing 
more.

As the invalid groaned, Shinji raised his eyes from the book. Touji was 
awake--judgement had come. "Touji!" he burst out. They made eye 
contact, and Shinji's confidence faltered; out tumbled a soft, "I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," Touji said.

"No, no. Wait." In the heat of his _mea culpa_, Shinji found strength to go 
on with his purging. "I feel so low, so filthy. I just lost control of myself, 
and I knew I was going to snap, but I didn't explain anything. I just 
buckled and caved in to it all, and hoped for the best. Now--God! Don't 
you realize, there's no hope for you? You won't ever get your limbs back, 
Touji. If I'd been able to stop myself, I could have done something."

"Ikari, knock it off," Touji broke in. He shook his head sadly. "Don't you 
remember? I challenged YOU. Hell, I knew you had that sword, I knew 
what you'd done to Ritsuko...and all I could think about was gettin' that 
girl her honor back. Can you believe it? Do you understand what I'm 
sayin'?"

"I didn't realize she was your girlfriend."

"She ain't." Touji laughed in his misery and shifted his weight onto his left 
side to talk. "I just had a crush. I got myself elected Student Council 
secretary, challenged you to a Duel, just because of a stupid crush. Now 
do you see, Ikari? I forgive you. You were doin' what you had to do. And 
I got cut up because of my stupid pride." He rolled onto his back, tired 
from his emotional outburst. "I hate myself."

Shinji watched the contours of his folded hands for a little while before he 
said, "I just don't know what to say. I guess you're right, but that doesn't 
change the fact that I did it. It's...weird. Hearing somebody just open up 
like this. People are usually such silent mountains to me."

"Whaddaya mean?"

Shinji cleared his throat and spoke. "Like, they're so much bigger and 
grander than I am. And they hold secrets. You. You just said you got 
yourself elected to the Student Council. You're not a senior, so that 
must've meant you have something that people respect. You know how 
to get along with people. I don't." He let the unasked question hang in the 
air.

At length, Touji replied, "The guy I was up against was a dork. But I know 
what you mean. I don't know how to automatically get along with people 
or nothin'. I was going to tell you that all you needed to do was make an 
effort, but that's only half the story. I guess you've tried before, huh? 
Didn't work, did it?"

Shinji shook his head.

"You didn't know me growing up," Touji continued. "Kensuke knows. I 
used to be quiet, really quiet. My parents didn't like each other. I didn't 
know for a long time. It wasn't that they hated each other, they just didn't 
belong together. They didn't talk or share time with each other. Or me, 
really. When one of 'em was playing with me, the other one would be off 
doing something else. Then they'd switch.

"My mother wanted another baby. Don't know why. Maybe she'd given 
up on Dad and wanted someone to replace him, or maybe she wanted his 
attention. He wasn't interested. She got pregnant anyway, I don't know 
how and I ain't sure I want to. My dad stopped coming home. That's 
when the scales started falling out of my eyes, that something was wrong 
with my life. I can't really say if I blamed myself or not. I had my tenth 
birthday while my mother was pregnant, but I didn't do anything because 
I didn't want anyone to find out about what was goin' on at home.

"So nine months rolls around, and Momma has a baby girl. Dad wasn't 
there for it. Any of it. That was one thing. Number two was that Mariko 
wasn't healthy. She had a gene disease. Every day, she'd be in the hospital 
or undergoing treatment at home. Ikari, she was...she was so bright, and 
had such a spark in her. But she never even got a chance to go to school, 
be around other kids, or lead a normal life. Nothing." His voice had been 
falling in a gentle diminuendo as his eyes watered. "All I've got of her now 
are memories."

"She's dead now?" Shinji asked softly.

Touji laughed again, a sad, sickening laugh. "Don't go askin' about it just 
yet, Ikari. 'Sides, I still got to tell you point number three. That is, my 
momma never came home from the hospital."

"What do you mean?" Shinji's tone was suspicious.

"It's something called 'post-partum depression'," Touji explained. "It 
happens to a lot of pregnant women. They're so worked up about a 
pregnancy, no matter how well it goes for them, when it's over, they can't 
see anymore. They've got no more direction to their lives. That's what 
happened to my mom.

"'kay, now, you do the math. She's suffering from a broken marriage, a 
deathly-sick kid, and she's not on the most stable ground to begin with. 
What do you think she's going to do?"

"Not come home again. Not...face the responsibilities."

"Uh-huh." Touji's manner was remarkably calm. There was no more 
energy left for him to be sad--only an empty nonchalance. "I don't know 
where she went. She left me and my father with the baby girl and took off 
into the sunset. Those first few days...oh, I guess they weren't too bad. I 
did get some help from the neighbors. Mari certainly did pretty well. But 
now, I think it would've been better if I'd tried to blame my dad for 
everything that had happened. It would've given me something to hate. I 
knew my mom had made her choice, but I knew exactly why she'd gone. 
Try as I might, I couldn't get mad at her."

The boy went silent again, even closing his eyes. Shinji didn't want to go, 
and against his better judgement began to talk. "I guess I don't quite get it. 
I guess your only hope was in your sister, because your mom and dad 
were both gone. But why Akagi-sempai? What's she got to do with it?"

Touji answered the question as if speaking from behind a mask of sleep. 
"It was just something Mariko said, askin' if I wasn't lonesome all the time. 
And Ritsuko's a good leader. I respected her. Maybe it could have been 
anyone."

Reluctantly, Shinji rose to his feet and moved his chair back to the 
credenza where he had found it. Behind him, Touji asked, "Ikari? Stop by 
again, will you? That's...something you could do."

"I will. I promise, Touji."

"Take it easy, then."

Shinji left the infirmary. The hallway outside was on the first story of the 
building, lined by large windows letting in the early afternoon sun. At the 
end of the hall, white against the shadow, was Ayanami Rei. She stayed 
motionless as Shinji walked down the hall excitedly to her.

"Touji's come out of his coma," he announced. "We just got done chatting. 
Everything's...I think things are going to be all right."

Rei made no response. Shinji went on, "He's just going to sleep. Why 
don't you go wish him good health? I'll wait for you here."

He moved out of the middle of the corridor and Rei brushed past him. A 
minute later she emerged, wearing a slightly confused expression.

"Did you talk to him?" Shinji asked.

"Yes. And he said thank you to me." Rei looked into his eyes. "That is, I 
think, the first time anyone has said thank you to me."

Shinji blinked in surprise. "You're not serious, are you?"

"I am."

"Well...thank you for visiting with him, Rei."

Rei's frown only increased. "This is very unusual. If you have no need for 
me, I will go home and think about it."

"We'll walk back together."

Side by side, they left the infirmary and its aura of healing. Across campus 
was an empty building that they called home. Silent except for the 
memories it held, it waited for their return, waited for some kind of 
meaning again.