From: mew3point14@doramail.com (Daniel Snyder) Akuma no Jishou--Fane of the Firebird Omake With apologies to Ambrose Bierce Air (n.) 1. The gas we all breathe. 70% nitrogen, 30% oxygen. 2. The movie we all saw. 70% something awful happening involving blood, 30% too much or too many of Rei. Alpha (n.) The Beginning. The source of all. Words that should come before alpha in this glossary do not exist. (this message has been brought to you by the Kansas State Department of Education) Angel (n.) From the Greek angelos, meaning messenger. One of the intermediaries between man and God in Christian theology. Finding the Western concept of a monotheistic religion "interesting, but not marketable", the Japanese have wisely substituted big scary monsters in their place. Angst (n.) A feeling of alienation or separation from society. This is a common theme in Evangelion, a series drawn by a team of overworked and underpaid artists and directed by a circle of sociopathic pop culture addicts. Anno (n.) 1. -- Hideaki, the man responsible for filling the airwaves with Evangelion. 2. Spanish word for "anus", the body part responsible for filling the air with methane. Baka (n.) 1. The insult used by Asuka. 2. The noise made by a chicken. In the former case it means "idiot", and it may in the latter. (see BIRD) Bath (n.) A pool of warm water which can be amalgamated with such contaminants as beer, feathers, and other less savory ingredients. Be-Papas (v.) To transform into spuds. Beer (n.) An ethanol-rich fermented yeast drink. When applied properly to the central nervous system, beer can make one focus all thoughts on ways to kill a 60-meter-tall avatar of divine will. Try it some time, you'll see. (see ANGEL) Bird (n.) The next stage in dinosaur evolution. Dinosaurs, which ruled the Earth for 180 million years, became the majestic animals poets and philosophers have praised since the dawn of civilization. Humans, which polluted the Earth in a matter of 300 years, became syrup. Kyrie elesion. (see EVOLUTION; LCL) Breast (n.) Also boob, hooter, mammary, tit, udder, and many others. The secondary sexual characteristic of a female mammal that allows for lactation and feeding of the infant. There is a stereotype that Asian females have smaller, more pouting boulders than females of other races. This is quite obviously not true. Beginning at the age of nine, Japanese women grow pontoons like crazy until, by the time they are physically mature at the age of 16, their jungle drums are only slightly smaller than their own heads. Furthermore, putting on tight-fitting clothes only causes their jugs to swell. How these women are able to support their own chests, especially with such slender waists, is not for the lexicographer to conjecture. (see GAINAX; PENIS) Browning, Robert (v.) Cooking Bobby until medium well-done. Not to be confused with Robert Burns. Cicada (n.) One of the symbols of summertime weather in Japan, now an omnipresent noisemaker in anime and manga. It goes "Cheap, cheap" or "Mean, mean". What it is implying by this is up for debate. Computer (n.) A machine capable of receiving numbers, adding them, and outputting the sum. The three computers called the MAGI were designed to reflect the shattered psyche of a suicidal genius unable to effectively reach out to her daughter or her lover, and instead murdered the only person in memory that was honest and forthright with her. They prove the phrase, "Garbage In, Garbage Out." Cross (n.) Once the proud symbol of NTT's plan to stretch telephone lines all across Japan, this shape has now been relegated to senseless eye candy and service as a celestial coathanger. Crosses are supposed to keep vampires at bay. Notice how much luck Hyuuga Makoto has with Katsuragi Misato. Cry, to (v.) A physiological response to stress. A whine or cry is produced at the same time that the body itself contorts into a seizure-like paralysis. The most outstanding feature of crying is the production of tears. Tears are watery emanations from the so-called "tear ducts" of the eye. They are rich in salts, but (more interestingly) in endorphins, the body's natural painkillers. It is thought by some that the reabsorption of these endorphins represents the body's attempt to relieve physical pain in place of the emotional turmoil inside. Others maintain that they are preventative against pain from being whacked in the back of the head, with no warning other than, "Anta baka! Don't be such a baby!" (see BAKA) Dame desu yo! (phr.) A Japanese phrase translating as "It's no good" or "It's not working". Generally used by Ibuki Maya, where it can also be translated as "Let's see what the fucking robot pulls out of its ass this time." (see EVANGELION; ROBOT) Dirac, C. (n.) French scientist and philosopher who concluded that the gravitational constant is weakening. Over long periods of time, massive bodies (such as the Earth) will become less and less dense. Dirac is the opposite of a hard place. Doctor (n.) Translation of the Japanese honorific "hakesei" or "sensei". In Japan, to have earned this honorific you must: 1. be too young or too old for your level of intelligence. 2. be able to spout diagnoses or psychobabble clearly and with a straight face. 3. be able to explain why your crazy-ass solution (or someone else's) worked, but not why it was between 19 and 28 minutes into the episode before anyone thought about it. 4. be able to put on a lab coat properly. Contrast with PROFESSOR Dogma (n.) A central belief, beliefs or assumptions taken for granted and not questioned within a particular institution. The members of NERV never question that they must fight the divine fates that have arisen from mankind's imperfect actions. Their dogma, therefore, chases karmas. Educate, to (v.) To prattle on about something to the stultification of your audience. Education does not seem to take place at the Ohtori Academy, apart from generating love interests for the main characters and providing the occasional plot device. Perhaps this is also why life at Ohtori never seems to be boring. Evangelion (n.) A nonsense word that translates as "the condition of bringing the good word of God to the heathen". Something is lost in the translation, figuratively and literally. Confusion rages as to whether the stresses are on the 2nd and 4th syllables, or on the 3rd and 5th. The Superior Person will tactfully force their fellow fans to pronounce it first, and then correct them with the other pronunciation. This will leave you with fewer friends, and you can watch your tapes in peace and quiet. Evolution (n.) Change through time. Scientists observe that there is no "direction" to evolution, and that random mutations are acted upon by natural selection without prejudice. Now that civilization has replaced the jungle, natural selection does not weed out deleterious mutations. Over the next few centuries, we can expect mankind to become more and more random and mutated. Thus, the End of Evangelion can be seen as the forerunner of mankind's future. (compare with REVOLUTION) Extinction (n.) The obliteration of a form of life. The evolution of one form of life into another, different in the geological record, constitutes a common type of extinction. The adoption by a species of conservative political policies, retro fashions, advertising as social outreach and the public performance of "gangsta" rap constitutes another. This long- standing scientific hypothesis was demonstrated recently by the discovery of a Tyrannosaurus wearing platform shoes and bell-bottoms. Write your representative! Fatality (n.) When another person stops living. Fatalities only happen to little, unimportant people. Note that living is sometimes the less merciful option. Fatalities happen in tremendous numbers in Evangelion. However, the social ramifications of this widespread loss of life is not explored in depth, for some reason. (see BREAST) Father (n.) The penis that engendered you and the prick that hasn't been around since. (contrast with MOTHER) Field (n.) A place where sports are played. Absolute Terror Field: wherever Manchester United are playing. Fly Me to the Moon (phr.) And let me play among the stars. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, darling, kiss me. Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore. You are all I long for, all I worship and adore. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you. (repeat) Futile (adj.) Yielding no result no matter how much effort is expended, such as why playing "gangsta" rap at volumes loud enough to deafen people blocks away is a practical way to attract female affection. (see VAGINA) Humans have wondered since time immemorial about whether life is worth living, or if all of their efforts to make a difference in the world--and hence validate their existence--are futile. Meanwhile, people have bought over three million copies of the Evangelion anime. Gainax (inj.) The sound effect made by breasts undulating in tight confinement. (see BREAST) Germany (n.) An entire country of loud hypocritical swine whose women wear short dresses with petticoats, whose men grow facial hair, and who don't bathe properly. Although intelligent and good at organizing, the German people are completely untrustworthy. They will bite you on the head given half a chance. (see JAPAN; UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) GEHIRN (n.) German word for "brain". In Evangelion, though the soul and the nerves still live, the brain has been gotten rid of. This may not be so bad a thing, as cockroaches and chickens can live without brains, as long as some portion of the brainstem remains. Even people who listen to "gangsta" rap for extended periods of time have been able to survive though their brains have sloughed out of their skulls. In all fairness, once their value to science is through, cockroaches and chickens should be killed as humanely as possible. God (n.) Not, as widely conjectured, an ineffable entity at once beautiful and terrible, just and merciful; but an abandoned theater that can abruptly turn into a globe floating in midair. God is a fun place to have a party. You should only do the globe trick once, and while people are still holding their liquor. "God's in his heaven, all's right with the world": a separation of the spiritual and the material in a manner generally believed to be evocative of the Old Testament view of God. The proper toast when you've pulled off the globe trick and are waiting to serve the hors d'ouvres. Guaff (n.) Japanese for "Golf". At least the Japanese know how to dress. Happy (n.) 1. A coat of thin fabric worn over the upper body during the summer months. Of Japanese origin (alt. happi). 2. A coat of shallow emotion worn over the mind during periods of forgetfulness. Of delusional origin (alt. stupid). Heart (n.) An organ, composed of its own unique kind of muscle tissue, responsible for the movement of blood throughout the body of most multicellular animals. Disturbences in the stomach's operation can produce a sensation in the chest called "heartburn", and for this reason the heart has often been seen as the center of human knowledge and emotion. "My Pure Heart For You"--contrast the title with the substance, and tell me that isn't an oxymoron in several ways. Home (n.) Where the heart is. Worry. (see HEART) Howard, B. (n.) See FLY ME TO THE MOON I (n.) The self. That which quickly realizes that nothing it can do is right, nothing it can want is acceptable, and not trying to get either results in having someone steal as much as they can from you. Incest (n.) Marital acts commited with close relatives, generally first cousins and those more closely related. "Inbreed" is the related verb. Every culture has regarded incest as taboo and unnatural, except for their royalty and other gods. (see GOD; PROGRESS) Sigmund Freud was the first person to claim that a desire for incest was a natural step in a person's intellectual maturity. Freud's thoughts on whether human flesh should be used to wean babies are not recorded. (see OEDIPUS) Instrumentality (n.) The quality of being instrumental, or the agency by which something is achieved. Instrumentality of Man--the means by which we cue the musical instruments to play the mind-blowing music. Note that Instrumentality of Woman, the agency by which one gets a woman to do something, has been going on for millenia without anyone raising a ruckus. Japan (n.) Quite the nicest place to live in the world, unless you're a foreigner. In which case, you will be accepted if you have money and are Chinese, or maybe American (Canada, Australia, New Zealand, the United Kingdom, Mexico, France and Russia are considered synonymous with the United States). Even then, you will be constantly stared at and expected to maintain fastidious standards of cleanliness, such as slurping your noodles, picking your nose, copulating in public and bathing in the same bath that a lot of incontinent elderly people have been wallowing around in. Japan is a very safe place to live, unless you're a student and the victim of unmerciful bullying and ostracism, as well as badgering by your teachers. (see GERMANY; UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) Kabbalah (n.) Alt. 'cabala'. A system of interpreting the Torah formalized by rabbis approximately 2000 years ago, though in existence for much longer. Central to kabbalah is the transformation of every letter in the book into a corresponding number, then summing these numbers. From these sums, the scholar hopes to gain insight into the nature of God. This is undoubtedly the acme of work by a religion that believed that the value of pi was exactly 3. Kill, to (v.) To end the life of someone or something. Note that there is some intent implicit in the meaning of the verb. One can "die" for no reason, but to say that someone "was killed" implies a causal force. These forces are generally of two kinds: money or stupidity. (see LOVE) LCL (n.) Acronym for "Link Connect Liquid", a concoction of arcane origin that is used to protect Evangelion pilots, increase their synchronization, and still supply oxygen to their lungs. How it is removed from the pilot's lungs is never explained in adequate detail. LCL is believed to be related to primordial soup, the protein-rich fluid that computer salespeople and other bacteria ooched out of eons ago. Its homeostatic properties were discovered in a famous experiment called the "Miller Experiment", in which a certain NERV employee was infused with several liters of Miller Lite, introduced to Lillith, and given a nice hard shove. (see BEER; EVANGELION; LILLITH) Lillith (n.) 1. A bit player in the Vampire Savior videogame series. 2. -- Fair, a fairground tour of musical and other stage acts. It demonstrated to a largely female audience that women were just as capable as men at being manipulated by unscrupulous record company executives and promoters, as well as writing whiny songs that all sounded the same. Love (n., v.) Confusion; to be confused. It is safe to say that love is a kind of confusion, though certainly not the only kind. A person who is in love requires the well-being of another person for their own well-being. At the same time, love is not the same as drug dependence. Love, evidently, is cheaper. However, love is more difficult to find than drugs, in the sense that its occurence is less predictable. Where it is predictable, however, the quality is subject. One can always find decent drugs in a drug store, for instance, but trying to buy love in a love store may have unpleasant side effects, some of which necessitate a trip to the drug store. Further, this lexicographer has anecdotal reports of drugs being found in love stores, and love being found in drug stores. Additional information on the nature of love can be gleaned from the tremendous number of popular music songs on the subject. Quite a number of the musicians take drugs, which muddies the waters further. Material (adj.) 1. Composed of matter. Hence, 2. tangible, restricted to the world as we know it. Scientists investigate the material, while they leave the spiritual untouched. Scientific exploration of the spiritual has had only the most disasterous consequences (see EVANGELION; GOD). Because material is a general term, a thing can have a lot of one kind of material and be deficient in another. "Gangsta" rap, for example, occupies quite a bit of _volume_ but lacks _substance_. (contrast with SPIRITUAL) Merciless (adj.) Cruel, or without mercy. Note that the two are not necessarially synonymous. Gary Marx has been without Mercy for a long time now, thanks to the efforts of Andrew Eldritch, and both have been equally cruel about it. Mother (n.) A mother gives birth to her children and spends the rest of her life trying to rectify this problem. Mothers often use such tricks as guilt, lies, fear and death to get their children behave. Letting yourself get eaten by a big scary monster is a new variation on this old theme, one with questionable utility. (see FATHER) Nothing (n.) Sorry to waste your time. Oedipus (n.) There once lived a man called Oedipus Rex. You may have heard about his odd complex. His name appears in Freud's index 'cause he looooved his mother. His rivals used to say quite a bit that as a monarch he was most unfit; but still in all, they had to admit that he looooved his mother. Yes, he loved his mother like no other: his daughter was his sister and his son was his brother. One thing on which you can depend is, he sure knew who a boy's best friend is! When he saw what he had done, he tore his eyes out, one by one--a tragic end to a loyal son who looooved his mother. So be sweet and kind to mother. Now and then, have a chat, buy her candy, or some flowers, or a brand new hat; but maybe you had better let it go at that, or you might find yourself with a quite complex complex, and you may end up like Oedipus Rex. (This lexacographer would rather marry a duck-billed platypus) Omega (n.) The end. Penguin (n.) One of twelve species of avian, characterized by flightlessness, stout bills and adaptations to a marine lifestyle. The penguin's "wing" is formed from the fusion of the carpals, metacarpals and phalanges. Short of massive interference during ontogeny, it would be impossible for a penguin to ever develop anything like fingers or claws. Then again, no penguin would ever actually seek out warm water or ramen. Penis (n.) Along with the testes, the primary male sexual characteristic. It forms during development from the action of male hormones. All subsequent behavior of the penis is due chiefly to female hormones. Many men undergo circumcision as infants in a ritual to establish their cleanliness and masculinity. This is another example of irony in human society, as femininity and feminine cleanliness depend on nothing getting torn off prematurely. Power (n., v.) Force expended over distance; hence, to provide force over a distance. The phrase "Oniiiiisama!!!" has power only if he actually moves from one place to another. Prince (v.) Past pluscamperfect of "prance". Professor (n.) An alternative translation of the Japanese honorific "sensei". Professors have post-baccalaureate degrees and virtually no common sense. Unlike a doctor, a professor is responsible for teaching in a classroom setting, not simply explaining the obvious or completely implausable at the end of the episode. Part of the problem with professors is that they are educators. (see DOCTOR; EDUCATE) Prophecy (n.) A revelation directly from God. Often accompanied by falling dark skinned people. The association between dropping things and prophecy is unexplained. The lexicographer merely notes that at times when the stock market has bee plummeting, large numbers of people have been seen praying, or even plummeting themselves. (see REVELATION) Queensryche (n.) Chris DeGarmo, Eddie Jackson, Scott Rockenfeld, Geoff Tate and Michael Wilton. The only decent thing ever to emerge from Bellevue, Washington. Revelation (n.) Something revealed, often by divine intervention; hence, something of great spiritual import. A view of the afterlife, communication with departed loved ones, getting a "gangsta" rap fan to turn down his music, etc. Revolution (n.) For a price, I'd do 'bout anything except pull the trigger-- for that I'd need a pretty good cause. Then I heard of Dr. X, the man with the cure! Just watch the television, yeah, you'll see there's somethin' goin' on. Got no love for politicians or that crazy scene in DC--it's just a power mad town. But the time is ripe for changes, there's a growing feeling that taking a chance on a new kind of vision is due. I used to trust the media to tell me the truth, tell us the truth--but now I see the payoffs everywhere I look. Who do you trust when everyone's a crook? There's a revolution calling you, gotta make a change, gotta push it on through. I'm tired of all this bullshit they keep selling me on TV 'bout a Communist plan, and all those shady preachers begging for my cash. Swiss bank accounts while giving their secretaries the slam. THEY'RE all in Penthouse now, or Playboy Magazine, million dollar stories to sell. I guess Warhol wasn't wrong, fame 15 minutes long--everyone's using everybody, making the sell. I used to think that only America's way was right, but now the Holy Dollar rules everybody's lives--gotta make a million, doesn't matter who dies! There's a revolution calling you, gotta make a change, gotta push it on through. Robot (n.) Domo arigato! Rose (n.) A member of the Rosaceae group of flowering plants, characterized by a thorny stem and a perfect flower. Women and girls often adorn themselves with rose flowers and their extracts. This is presumably a kind of sympathetic activity, in hopes that their own vaginas become large, attractive and sweet-smelling. (see VAGINA) School (n.) An institution at which dry facts, dogma and busywork are flung at uncaring, apathetic pupils in the blind hope that some of it will sink in and inspire today's youth to forestall the collapse of civilization. There is a disturbing trend towards treating school as a kind of business. This trend is doomed to failure. No school has ever produced a kind of profit, or a product any buyer was interested in; and the employees are underpaid for their efforts. Sperm (n.) The second funniest word in the English language, next to vagina. Japanese males produce sperm by the quart, and its zesty flavor has endeared it to the palates of the women of that country. This is readily apparent in any hentai anime or manga. The most popular method of ingesting sperm is in coffee. Ask for the "ejaculatte" at your local cafe. (see VAGINA) Spiritual (adj.) Not of the material word; of the world of the inexplicable. Hence, immaterial. Any spiritualist can be readily dismissed as a charlatan by virtue of the name. The spiritual realm is the domain of priests, prophets and anyone able to suspend your disbelief and your credit rating. (contrast with MATERIAL) Sword (n.) A long, sharp metal flange with a guard and grip at one end. Used by closet homosexuals to assert their masculinity on one another; hence, "the gay blade". There are three classes of sword, including the epee, foil and saber. Of these, the epee is the dorkiest, and spends a lot of time sitting on a couch and whining about how unfair life is. Synchronize (v.) To adjust some kind of behavior so as to be in perfect rhythm with another thing. Only those children born after September 13, 2000 can synchronize with the Evangelion. This is testament to the global catastrophe known as "Merchandising". Other effects included the rise of sea level 60 meters, impossible avians and Anno Hideaki's challenge to Eddie Vedder for the title of "Most overly Angsty Artist Who Will Never Be Able to Live Up to His Image." (see PENGUIN) Terror (n.) I'm afraid I can't say. United States of America (n.) Like Germany, only more so. (see GERMANY; JAPAN) Vagina (n.) The second most complex organ in existence, save for the mouth of the sea urchin. The human vagina has been designed to--get this--allow a baby's head to pass through. Every day, millions of women across the face of the Earth decide that it is a really, really good idea to make preparations for babies to go squirting out of their vaginas. Although political and religious philosophers assert that this is a good and necessary thing, one must at some point or another debate the concept of conception. Some authorities also assert that a vagina can be stimulated during sexual congress so as to produce one or multiple orgasms. This has never been verified in a laboratory setting. Any anthropologists or folklorists with reports of coital ecstacy are asked to contact this lexicographer with at least two peer-reviewed sources and accompanying line diagrams. Lastly--and perhaps the ultimate proof of divine humor--the vagina is used as a conduit for urine. Anyone who finds the idea of a man's penis funny hasn't seen anything until they've seen a woman trying to make water in the great outdoors. (see PENIS) Watermelon (n.) The fruiting body of the watermelon plant, characterized by a green striped exterior that becomes white inside, and a pink seed- spangled interior. "Kai gwa"--a Chinese expression translating as "split the watermelon". A poetic description of the sexual act. Less than poetic in Japan, however, where the watermelon is split by a baseball bat. Xenopus (n.) The generic name for the claw-footed frogs of Africa. As amphibians, they lay eggs in much the same fashion as birds, reptiles and Nanami. You didn't really think I'd omit one letter, did you? Yakusoku (n.) Japanese word meaning "promise". Generally made between people rather than within an institution. Often, friends will signify the promise by shaking with their pinkie fingers. Presumably, if the promise is broken, so will be the finger. It is unusual to give a gift, such as a ring, to signify the intent of the promise. Attacking people with swords, taking custody of love slaves, and cross dressing are, of course, de rigeur. (see LOVE; SWORD) Zankoukuna Tenshi no Tesis (phr.) The thesis of a cruel angel: that, when one's fans start trying to dictate your creative urges, you should fuck with their minds not once, but three times; all the while making as much profit from merchandising as you possibly can. This is the sort of madness that drives the Jung at heart to distraction. Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku (phr.) Higgledy piggledy, Miss Tenjou Utena walks up the staircase to hack up some kids; horny when Dios drops down from the castle, she knocks off the rose and regrets what she did.