From: Jim Lazar [EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:2 - This Bites ======================================================================= Garden of EVA 0:2 - This Bites Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission Garden of EVA series created, written, and Copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion ======================================================================= Spoiler warning: This story contains references to episode 26 of the Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. If you have not seen that episode, this story may contain spoilers and/or spoiled food. Also, seeing that episode would be helpful to fully enjoy this story (I was going to say understanding that episode would be helpful, but I still haven't fully figured it out myself). This story has no connection with any of the Eva movies (mostly because I have not seen any of the movies). ======================================================================= Naughty words warning: There be some bad words in this here story. Rather than bleep them out or tone them down, I'm just warning you. Live with it. ======================================================================= Toilet humor warning: There is a scene in a toilet in this story. ======================================================================= Naked people warning: There be some naked people in this story. Unlike the Eva anime, they do have nipples and other bits. Of course, you have to use your imagination to see them anyway. ======================================================================= Sex warning: No sex to speak of in this story. Well, some talk of sex, but no actual sex acts. Well, that depends on your definition of sex acts, I guess. ======================================================================= Warning warning: There are no more warnings in this story. ======================================================================= Rei lay naked on top of Shinji. Asuka lay naked underneath Shinji. Shinji sandwich. Shinji was very happy. Until Shinji woke up. "Stop pointing that twig at me!" "Uh?" Shinji muttered. He opened his eyes only to be greeted by a scowl from Asuka. "If you don't want to see my mighty oak, quit pulling my sheets off!" "As your oldest and dearest friend, it is my duty to make sure you get to school on time!" Asuka said, trying to sound noble. Since she was still staring at the aforementioned twig, her motives were suspect. "Oldest...maybe. Dearest? That's a laugh," Shinji muttered, as he dragged himself out of bed and to the toilet. "Hurry up already!" Asuka screamed from outside. Shinji sat on the toilet and relieved himself, trying to figure out why his parents kept letting Asuka into the apartment to abuse him every morning. Asuka poked her head in the little toilet room and screamed, "Come on already!" Shinji slipped off the toilet when Asuka's head appeared. "Asuka! Get the hell out of here! You damn sicko!" he yelled, as his bladder emptied down his leg. "Well, hurry up then!" Asuka turned and left the room. Shinji decided he had to get some door locks on the way home from school. "Jeezzzzz, she keeps sneaking peeks at me, but won't show me anything of hers. What a god-damned tease!" "I heard that!" -E- -V- -A- "Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!" Shinji called out as he ran out the door after taking a quick shower. "Bye, dear!" Shinji's Mom, Yui, called back. His father just grunted as he flipped the page in the newspaper he was reading. "Well, I'm glad Asuka is so friendly with Shinji," Yui commented, totally ignoring the fact that Asuka routinely hit Shinji. Gendou grunted again and said, "Is that so?" "Do you think we should tell him?" Gendou grunted again and said, "No, dear. Not yet." "Would you like to go to the bedroom, dear?" Gendou grunted. "Yes, dear," he said, turning to the next page of his newspaper. -E- -V- -A- Rei waited at the corner. Rei peeked around the corner. Rei waited at the corner some more. Rei swallowed the toast she was chewing on. Rei sold sea shells at the sea shore. Rei returned to the corner, peeked around it, and waited some more. Rei looked around the corner and saw the object of her desire. Rei backed up and then ran around the corner very fast. She piled into another person and rebounded. She ended up dazed on the sidewalk, her legs spread wide. "Hey!!" she shouted. The quick, redheaded Asuka jumped over the lazy, fallen Shinji on the sidewalk. "Blue today...nice," Shinji commented, taking a lingering look up Rei's dress. "Shinji! You did that on purpose! You pervert!" Rei screamed, and closed her legs. "Nawww. Shinji's too stupid to think of setting up a quote ACCIDENT un-quote, like this one." "Yeah!" Shinji quickly agreed with Asuka. Then he realized what he just agreed to. "Hey!" Rei and Asuka both grinned. They turned and headed towards school. "Girls!" Shinji cursed and followed behind them, enjoying the rear view as he walked to school. -E- -V- -A- "So, Shinji, what color today?" Touji quietly asked Shinji before class began. "Blue," Shinji replied, loudly. "Pervert!" Rei yelled across the room. "Shinji, is there something you want to share with the class?" Sensei Misato asked, adjusting her low-cut dress. The jaws of every boy and one girl in the classroom dropped to the floor with an Earth shattering crash. Third Impact had occurred, but everyone who saw the quick flash of Misato's nipple weren't complaining. Misato blushed, then spun her chair around quickly and adjusted her dress again, this time without exposing herself to the class. she thought. "No! He doesn't!" Rei replied. "Awww. Well then...time to get to work," Misato said, sadly. She got up and walked to the board. The eye's of every boy and one girl in the classroom followed her every move, hoping for another peek. Shinji whispered something to Touji and soon all the boys were passing the information around. "Now then. Second Impact. In the early days of the new millennium a huge asteroid impacted in Antarctica," Sensei Misato began her lecture for today. Her mind was still thinking about the all night romp she had with her boyfriend last night. She tapped the board in the front of the room and it lit up displaying a map of the world. A label near the top read, 'Earth: pre-Second Impact: 1999 A.D.'. The students were talking about the current thread of gossip and ignoring the lecture completely. Of course, the boys were still looking at Misato, they just weren't listening to her. The board changed to display the current world map, low lying areas were covered by the oceans. "The resulting rise in global sea levels caused the deaths of half..." "Blue! Damn it! I had black lace in the pool!" one boy exclaimed, apparently a little to loudly, since Misato turned around and glared at him. "Takma, the color of my panties is not a subject to be gossiping about in class," Misato scolded the geeky little blond boy in the rear. "Err...um..." Takma stammered. "What is it?" "It wasn't your panties we were betting on," Takma shyly admitted. Spitballs and various pieces of furniture quickly pelted him. Misato started to tear up. "Not mine?" "We're sorry, Sensei. Today's pool was about Rei's panties," Takma muttered, trying to dig himself out of the pile of desks he was under. "Rei? You wore blue today, too?" Misato asked, smiling. Rei tried to hide under her desk. -E- -V- -A- Rei stood in the hallway with a bucket in each hand. "You didn't have to yell it out in class you know!" Shinji stood in the hall, his buckets were on the floor. "Well, you shouldn't keep flashing your panties at me then!" Shinji exclaimed, softly. "Yeah right! What do you want me to do, hand them to you on a silver platter?!" Rei shouted. Shinji thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, that'd be nice." The door to the classroom opened and Misato poked her head out. "Will you two horny kids shut up out here! And Shinji...put down those buckets again and you'll be moved to a different class!" Shinji quickly picked up the buckets and bowed his apology to Misato. No teenage boy in his right mind would want to be transferred out of Misato's class. After Misato had returned to the classroom, Shinji whispered to Rei, "Big mouth." Rei just fumed. Why couldn't this jerk take a hint. -E- -V- -A- Eva Unit 00 took 2.1 seconds to reach Unit 01's position. It took another .4 seconds for Unit 00 to chop the legs off Eva Unit 01 with her progressive knife. Rei took the remaining 9 minutes and 57.5 seconds of game time to slowly dissect Shinji's Eva Unit 01, starting from the bottom. Asuka ran by the surgery, picked up one of the severed legs, and used it to club an Angel into oblivion. "By the wrath of the leg of a fallen warrior...I smite thee!" she shouted. Then she decided she had seen too many episodes of 'Shin Seiki Ranma' with that creepy Kuno cyborg in it. Hikari used her favorite weapon, a long progressive sword, to slice her Angel into two halves. She soon found herself facing two Angels instead of just one. "Oops," she said. Touji used his Unit 03's fists to pound his Angel into submission. Finally, after he considered it was humiliated enough, he punched the Angel's core with his fist. The Angel exploded. Unit 03 was thrown on top of Unit 06. "This is not that place for that, Suzahara!" Hikari yelled, then added softly, "Later, Cutey-pie." A voice buzzed over the intercom, "Um...we can all hear the intercom, Hikari." Kensuke smiled as he watched Unit 03 and Unit 06 try to get out of the tangled mess they had fallen into. Hikari blushed a deep crimson, as did her Eva Unit 06. Well, the blush that covered Unit 06 was really just a fire reflecting off the Eva's white armor. Kensuke took his chance to deal with the twin Angels. He used his Eva Unit 10's jump jets to scale a tall building in a single bound. He stood on the top of the building and extended the built-in progressive arm blades from his Eva's arms. He grinned and jumped from the building. He landed between the two Angels and slashed each one. The blades sliced neatly through the Angel's cores and they exploded. Kensuke jetted out of the way to avoid damaging his Eva. "Awesome! I've got to use this Unit 10 again!" As Rei cut each piece off Shinji's Eva, his entry plug shook. By the time the ten-minute game session was over, Shinji was black and blue. Shinji's entry plug opened and he dragged himself out. "Damn it, Rei!" "Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" Rei remarked as she made her way out of the game area. "No, you're the bitch!" Shinji shot back at the retreating figure. Kensuke pushed his glasses up his nose then helped Shinji to his feet. "Still think she has the love jones for you, Shinji?" "Well, it's obvious that she is just shy and using the game to get closer to me," Shinji insisted, as he made his way out of the game area. Touji clapped his hand on Kensuke's shoulder and whispered to him, "Shinji seems think every girl is after him, even the ones who beat him up." "Move it! I think I finally scored higher than Asuka and I want to see the scores!" Hikari shouted and pushed the two boys out of the game area. -E- -V- -A- "First I lose to Wondergirl, then to Miss Bossy. Next I'll be marrying Shinji," Asuka muttered, crying into her hands. "What kind of screwed up world is this?" Rei patted Asuka's back. "There...there. Using Shinji's leg as a weapon may have looked awesome, but it was hardly going to rack up the points. I'll give you some pointers for tomorrow's game." "Thanks, Rei," Asuka replied, looking up. "Can't have you ruining your life by marring Shinji, can we?" Rei insisted, smiling. "Thanks, Rei." "This bites," Shinji muttered. "I thought you said reality bites?" a calm voice said from behind Shinji. Shinji looked around and found himself staring at a naked Misato. He gasped. Then he looked around the large theater he was now in. "Well, the Rei I envisioned wasn't that mean." "What kind of Rei did you envision?" Rei asked. Shinji looked at the naked Rei and replied, "Well...like you, but more emotional." "Isn't that what you got?" Asuka remarked. "Err...well...she's more like you now, Asuka." "And why do you think that is, moron?" Asuka snapped. "They both love me?" Misato placed her hand on Shinji's shoulder. "You're delusional." Asuka said, "First you wanted to escape reality, now you are trying to return to it." "No...well..." "Choose." "Make a decision." "Any decision." "I don't want to kill anymore. I want to go back to *MY* world." "You won't like it," Rei insisted. Shinji looked determined. "You think I like the real world? As I said before, reality bites!" "Shinji...please stop drooling on me." Shinji raised his head from the lap he found himself lying on top of. "Huh?" Hikari wiped the drool off her skirt. "Shinji, are you okay?" "What happened?" Shinji asked, rubbing his eyes. "You made a move on my girl! That's what!" Touji shouted, glaring at Shinji. "Err...no...I wouldn't," Shinji insisted. "Relax, Shinji. You just fainted," Rei said, placing a cold towel on Shinji's forehead. "Rei?" Shinji gasped. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I didn't know you'd get roughed up in the entry pod that badly," Rei said, then leaned down and kissed Shinji passionately on his lips. After the kiss ended, Shinji said, "Life is good." Shinji pulled Rei into an embrace. "Hey! Get your hands off me, you pervert!" Rei shouted, then kneed Shinji in his groin. "What?" Shinji gasped, blinking. "I said get your hands off me!" Rei repeated, then kneed Shinji again. Asuka leaned over him. "Shinji, you really should get more sleep. You fell asleep and then when you woke up you grabbed Rei." "She didn't kiss me?" Shinji asked. "Ack! You pervert! How dare you dream about me like that!" Rei shouted. "I'm confused." "Yes, we know." -E- -V- -A- The gang walked home from the mall, Shinji was moping in the rear of the gang. Rei dropped back to Shinji's side. "Um...I'm sorry, Shinji. I didn't know that you'd get roughed up in the entry pod that badly." Shinji looked at Rei and waited for the kiss. It never came. Reality was never as good as the dream, or in this case, alternate reality was never as good as the dream. "Can you kill one of the others tomorrow?" Shinji asked. "Sure," Rei said, smiling. Rei turned down the street to her home. Then without turning around and looking at Shinji, she said, "Next time don't hug me in front of the gang." Shinji stopped in his tracks and stared at Rei's back. "Huh? Next time?" -E- -V- -A- "I'm home, Mom!" Shinji called out and tossed his bag onto the kitchen table. He rummaged through the refrigerator and pulled out a week old pork bun and can of soda. "How was your day, Shinji?" his mother said as she came into the kitchen. She smoothed out her dress. Shinji recalled everything that happened that day and replied, "Confusing." "That's nice, dear," Yui intoned. Shinji bit into the pork bun, then gasped. "This bites..." Shinji commented and tossed the green pork bun into the garbage. He opened the soda and made his way to the bathroom. Spotting his father coming out of the master bedroom, he said, "Hi, Pop." "Welcome home, Shinji," Gendou said, tucking in his shirttail. He seemed to be upset, as if something was interrupted. Shinji washed up and sunk his body into the tub. He stared at the ceiling and muttered, "Familiar ceiling." He sighed. [End - Garden of EVA 0:2 - This Bites] ======================================================================= Neon Genesis Evangelion Virtual Reality Experience Simulator (VRES) Evangelion Unit Data Eva Unit 03 - Production Model Color: Black Design date: November 12, 2014 Eye configuration: Two Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (44 metric tons) Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons AT field generator power: 145x2 Response time delay: 33 milliseconds Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage Special equipment: Flexible arms, extendable to 100 meters Eva Unit 04 - Production Model Eva Unit 05 - Production Model Color: Green Design date: December 1, 2014 Eye configuration: Multi-faceted spider eye Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (48 metric tons) Built-in weapons: (2) Large AT laser cannon on forearms (1) Progressive knife in shoulder holster Usable weapons: All type 1,2, and 3 manual weapons AT field generator power: 130x2 Response time delay: 35 milliseconds Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage Special equipment: 50 meter jump jets Flexible arms, extendable to 100 meters Eva Unit 06 - Production Model Color: White Design date: December 1, 2014 Eye configuration: Three Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (48 metric tons) Built-in weapons: (1) Progressive sword in scabbard (1) Progressive knife in shoulder holster Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons AT field generator power: 130x2 Response time delay: 45 milliseconds Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage Special equipment: 50 meter jump jets Progressive claws on fingers Eva Unit 10 - Production Model Color: Burnt Umber Design date: February 21, 2015 Eye configuration: Four Armor: Quad-polymer titanium (55 metric tons) Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive arm blades in forearms, extendable to 15 meters in length (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters Usable weapons: All type 1,2, and 3 manual weapons AT field generator power: 125x2 Response time delay: 41 milliseconds Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage Special equipment: 100 meter jump jets ======================================================================= Email me at: mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net with comments, criticisms, or if you want to join my pre-reader list. http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime Author's notes/ramblings: Well, I've done it again. Taken a five minute flash of an alternate world from episode 26 and twisted it into Shinji's perfect world gone slightly askew. Will someone please stop me? The specifications for the game Evas are similar to the real Evas, but not exactly the same (especially for Unit 05 and above, since they didn't appear in the TV series and they are all identical and pilot-less in the movies). I'd like to thank various FFML members and my pre-readers: David Johnson, Ryan Erik, Johnathan Ng, and Anthony Pardilla. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Revision 0.0 - Rough draft (July 16, 1998) Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (July 19, 1998) Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (July 21, 1998) Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (July 30, 1998)