From: Jim Lazar Subject: [Eva][FanFic][Lime] Garden of EVA 2:7 - Something Blows! [EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 2:7 - Something Blows! ======================================================================= Garden of EVA 2:7 - Something Blows! Book 2: Blows Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-2000 by Jim Lazar A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that will blow your mind. "Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese." E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: mailto:jimlazar@animeprime.com Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at: http://www.animeprime.com/ff/geva ======================================================================= If you've read Garden of Eva this far you know what to expect. Just it's ten times worse this time. Or not. ======================================================================= Something according to Shinji: Well, something is something. -E- -V- -A- Shinji had tears in his eyes when he looked up from the ground where he had fallen and saw the three of them hovering nearby with concern on their faces, even his father. "Don't pity me!! I don't deserve it!! I killed the one person who ever loved me! I killed Kaworu!!!" "Sorry, fuckwad, but I don't love you. And if it wasn't for the cops holding me, I'd kill you where you stand for even thinking that I'm gay. Even if I was, I'd never love a wimp like you." Shinji's eyes went wide when he recognized the voice. "Kaworu!!" He looked around and saw Kaworu--who everyone in this world knew as Hasamoto--standing between the two cops who were holding onto a chain attached to Hasamoto's handcuffs and leg shackles. "No... you're dead..." Hasamoto sneered. "No... I won't die until I get back at you and that tramp!" Shinji launched himself at Hasamoto. The two cops reacted to protect their prisoner, but even they were unprepared for what Shinji did. Shinji's lips met Hasamoto's and pressed firmly as he savored the feeling of being near Kaworu again. When the kiss ended, Hasamoto was staring bug-eyed at Shinji. "I love you too, Kaworu." "You... you... fag!!" Hasamoto shook his arms out of the stunned policemen's arms, swung his arms up to punch one of them in the stomach, and then swung around and rammed his rock hard head into the other police officer's gut. Both policemen crumpled to the ground, leaving Hasamoto free to jump onto Shinji. The fair-haired boy wrapped his hands around Shinji's scrawny neck. "I'll kill you!!" Shinji smiled. "I'm happy... urk..." Shinji stopped smiling when he felt his windpipe close from the pressure Hasamoto was applying to his neck. But he was still happy inside. He didn't mean THAT kind of cumming, pervert. "Hasamoto, stop!!" Rei cried as she ran over. She jumped onto Hasamoto's back and tried to pull his arms away from Shinji's neck. Shinji's face was a turning a dark shade of blue. "Get off, bitch!!" Hasamoto rammed his arm back, elbowing Rei in her stomach. "Gaaaaa...." Rei gasped and fell backwards, clutching her stomach. "Shinji, fight back!" When Shinji didn't respond, she added, "I love you!!" "Wait your turn, bitch" Hasamoto said, glaring at Rei. "I'll kill you next." Rei proceeded to kick Hasamoto in his family jewels. Hasamoto let go of Shinji's neck to grab his sore crotch, tumbling backwards in the process. "Bitch." Spotting it from the corner of his eye, Hasamoto grabbed a gun from one of the cop's holsters and pointed it at Rei. "For that, you die first." He squeezed the trigger. Rei screamed. Shinji's eyes shot open at hearing Rei's scream. As another shot rang out, he jumped up and barreled into Rei, knocking her out of the path of the bullet. He wasn't as lucky. The bullet tore into his flesh, sending a shooting pain up his body from where the bullet hit him. Shinji grabbed his bloody crotch and roared in pain. "Ha! Blew your dick right off!!" Hasamoto laughed evilly. "Guess Rei will never get to blow that again." Hasamoto laughed so hard his spleen hurt. "Now that's a blow job I don't mind giving you!" Tears formed in his eyes. "That's the blow job to end all blow jobs!!" So preoccupied with finding euphemisms for 'blow', Hasamoto missed seeing Rei jump on him. "You blew my second favorite part of him off, you bastard!!" Rei pounded her closed fist into Hasamoto's face. "Now I'll never get pregnant!!" She kneed him in the part that Hasamoto had just shot Shinji in. "You fu... urk..." Rei went silent as Hasamoto slammed the hilt of the gun into the side of her head. Blood from the gash on Rei's head splashed across Shinji's face. "Rei!!" he screamed as he saw her fall down. "Don't you dare hurt the boy I found floating down a sewage filled canal and adopted as my only son!!" Gendou shouted as he ran towards Hasamoto. He probably should have omitted the exposition because he was only halfway to Hasamoto when the bullet entered his skull. "Father!!" Shinji screamed as his father's blood splashed across his face, mixing with Rei's. His eyes went wide as he saw the gun pointed in his mother's direction. "Stop it, Kaworu!!" Hasamoto smirked. "I'll kill everything you've ever loved!!" "Then shoot yourself, because I still love you!!" Shinji screamed. Hasamoto hesitated and looked at the gun for a moment. That was all the time Shinji needed to jump on Hasamoto and grab the gun. "Get off!!" "I'll get off over your dead body!!" Hasamoto's jaw dropped open. "You... you... sicko!!" Shinji's eyes blazed with hatred. "You don't know the half of it!" He continued to wrestle for the gun. "You can't imagine the hell my life was, is, and will be!!" He felt the cold barrel of the gun pressed into his chest. "All because of..." A gunshot rang out. "Yooouuu..." Shinji's voice trailed off as a warm feeling flowed across his chest. "Shinji!!" Rei screamed. -E- -V- -A- "Pull, Shinji," Rei shouted and pushed Shinji's penis. "I'm trying..." Shinji tried to pull his stuck member from the floorboard that Misato now held in her hands. After they had tried various ways to get him out of the knothole with it still nailed down, they finally pried it off the floor with his penis still stuck in it. "Hmmm... it seems to be swelling." Rei looked closely at the engorged member, running her fingers gently down the length. This made it grow bigger, of course. "Rei, maybe you shouldn't touch it," Misato suggested. "Oh," Rei muttered and pulled away, a disappointed look crossing her face. "I've got the butter!!" Asuka yelled as she raced over with a bowl of butter. Rei cocked her head. "Where'd you get that?" Asuka looked down at the bowl of butter. "I just took some milk and put it in a churn and voi-la!" She proudly showed off the bowl of butter. Misato looked around the theater. "Where'd you get milk from?" Shinji was more curious as to where Asuka got the churn from or how Asuka knew how to churn butter in the first place, but was in too much pain to ask. Having one's penis stuck in a little hole that is not connected to a woman tends to distract you from asking stupid questions. Asuka squeezed her left breast. "Where do you think?" Misato went pale. Rei squeezed her own left breast. "You can get milk out of breasts?" "Yeah, that's what breasts are for, dummy. The milk is for babies to drink." Asuka laughed. "What did you think they were for?" "From what I've been able to tell from the world's Shinji's created, breasts are for boys to fantasize about, fondle, suck, rub, insert their penis betw..." Misato slapped her hands over her daughter's mouth. "That's enough, Rei." Of course, that action caused her to let go of the large floorboard that Shinji's penis was stuck through. Shinji was pulled forward by the weight of the board and crashed to the floor of the theater, sandwiching his oak tree between the oak floor and the oak floorboard. Shinji screamed. Loudly. "Fascinating," Rei said as a white fluid dripped out of her nipple in response to the vigorous self-breast fondling that she had just given herself. Several readers wiped off the blood that had just dripped out of their nose. Seeing this, Shinji's mighty oak expanded once again. Ditto for the readers. Shinji screamed. Loudly. Again. The readers just cringed. -E- -V- -A- Shinji screamed loudly. "Calm down, Shinji." Shinji sat upright in the hospital bed he found himself in. "Wha..." he looked around. "Rei!!" he almost jumped out of his bed, only to find he was handcuffed to the bed frame, not to mention hooked up to a I.V. and other medical equipment. "What's going on?" Rei smiled and rose from the chair she had been sitting in by his bedside. As she turned to give him a kiss, Shinji could see a large bandage on the side of her head. "Are you okay?" "Yeah, it's just a little flesh would." Rei pressed her lips against Shinji's. Several minutes later, she ran her hand through his hair. "I don't know what is going on between you and Hasamoto, but I still love you." Shinji started to shake as events flooded back into his mind. "Oh no... I..." His eyes went wide as another piece of the puzzle of his afterlife suddenly fell into place. "Shit!!" He flung have the sheets on his bed and pulled his hospital gown up. "Oh crap!" he shouted when he saw the large bandage covering his groin. Rei reached over and stopped him from pulling the bandage off in his attempts to verify what--if anything--of his manhood was still there. "Don't worry, you're still hung like a stallion. In fact, I asked them to add a few centimeters while they were at it." She winked. Shinji blushed. Then he considered that his Rei often said strange stuff like that. "They said the bullet passed through your scrotum, missing both testicles and your penis before exiting from your anus." Shinji gulped and clenched his butt muscles. Rei slipped onto the bed beside Shinji. "You'll be okay, it'll just be sore down there for a while." "Tell me about it. It itches like crazy too." Shinji wiggled a little. Rei's eyes opened wider. "Really?" She pulled the bed sheet down and started scratching the bandage. "Um... err... you don't have to do that." "I want to help you recover." Rei rubbed harder. Several popping sounds were heard as the bandage expanded. "Arghhhhhhhh!!!" Shinji screamed. Later after the sutures were replaced on Shinji's scrotum and the skin of his penis, the nurses left. Rei sat on the chair and looked at the floor. "I'm sorry." Shinji shook his head. "No, that's okay. You meant well." "I wasn't trying to arouse you... I just wanted to help you." "I know." Several awkward moments of silence followed as neither of them knew what to say before Shinji asked another question. "What happened to Kaworu... err... Hasamoto?" Rei frowned. "Why did you say you loved Hasamoto?" She turned her head away. "After all that he did to me... how could you say that?" Shinji saw the tear that Rei was trying to hide and it caused his chest to tighten. Since Shinji seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, Rei spoke. "I'm sorry. If you love him more than me, I'll leave you alone." Shinji's eyes widened. "No... no... that's not it..." Shinji sighed and looked up at the unfamiliar ceiling. "It's complicated." "Are you gay?" Shinji flinched. "I don't know..." That wasn't exactly the answer Rei was hoping for. "The person you know as Hasamoto isn't the same person that I know as Kaworu, but he's similar." "And you love this Kaworu?" Shinji sighed. "Yes... but it wasn't a sexual thing... it was..." Shinji found that he had no words to describe it. "Complicated..." He sighed. "Very complicated." "Do you still love me?" "Yes." Shinji answered without hesitation, not even pausing to consider which Rei he was talking to. Or even if he loved the Rei in the theater, for that matter. The answer just presented itself and Shinji had no reason to argue with it. Rei smiled at hearing the sincerity in his answer. She slipped into bed next to him and snuggled against Shinji's side. "We'll get through this together." Shinji wanted to wrap his arms around Rei, but was reminded about the handcuffs when he tried. "Why am I handcuffed to the bed?" Visions of kinky sexual positions flashed into his mind, only some of which came from the worlds he had created. The rest came from the smutty magazines Touji used to hide behind the school and show off to the other kids. Hikari used to bash him over the head with the magazines every time he showed her the magazines and suggested a position for her. "Well... they are still deciding if they are going to press murder charges or not." Shinji frowned. "Huh? They had dropped the charges before we left the..." Rei shook her head and interrupted Shinji. "The gun went off when you two were fighting for it." Shinji started to tremble. "Hasamoto is really dead this time," Rei said with a tone that showed she wasn't upset about it, maybe even happy that he was. Anyone who knew their history would understand. "No..." Shinji clenched his eyes shut tight. "Are you sure?" "Pretty sure..." Rei shuddered at the memories. "Some of his brain landed on me." A hazy memory of the confrontation outside the Tokyo-3 Juvenile Hall formed in Shinji's mind. "Brain..." The image solidified. "Father!!" Rei put her hand on Shinji's chest to calm him down. "He's alive. They say he's likely to make a full recovery except for being blind in his right eye." Shinji shuddered and tried to get up. Once again, the handcuffs reminded him again that he was a prisoner. "Where is he?" "Down the hall. I've been checking on him while I waited for you to wake up." Rei looked at the door. "Your mother is with him, do you want me to get them?" "Yes..." Rei slipped off the bed and shuffled over to the doorway. Before leaving the room, she turned back and smiled. "I love you, Shinji." Shinji smiled. "Yeah, I love you too." Rei left, leaving Shinji to say a silent goodbye to Hasamoto and/or Kaworu. -E- -V- -A- "Stop pulling on my penis!!" "I'm not pulling it, I'm trying to push it through the little hole!!" "You need to lubricate it more." "Here, let me do that." Asuka slapped Rei's hand away from her breast-butter. "No, it's my butter and I'll spread it on." "You just want to rub Shinji's penis," Rei remarked. "No!!" Asuka insisted. "Well then..." Rei reached for the butter. Asuka pulled the butter out of Rei's reach. "Will you girls stop arguing over who gets to melt butter over Shinji's hot shaft of love!!" Misato snapped. "It's my butter and I'll rub it on Shinji's prick!!" Asuka insisted. Rei frowned and looked at Shinji. "What do you think, Shinji?" Shinji's face was contorted in pain. "I don't care!! Just get my penis out!" "I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find you like this, Shinji." The three girls stopped fighting over Shinji's penis and looked at the source of the voice and gasped as one. "Mother?" Shinji was so surprised that he released the floorboard. Amazingly it slipped off his penis and crashed to the floor. Yui smiled. "Not exactly your mother, but close." She started to walk across the theater floor, almost gliding across the surface as if she was an Angel. A biblical Angel, not the Angels that repeatedly attacked Tokyo-3. Her white silk robes fluttered behind her. Misato frowned. "Mrs. Ikari?" Yui nodded. "The original." "Why are you here?" Misato asked. "I've left my baby alone for too long." Yui glanced down at Shinji's penis. "Is there a reason that there is butter on this boy's penis?" Asuka gulped. "I donno..." "Mom, am I ever glad to see you!!" Shinji smiled and took a few steps towards the newcomer. Yui shook her head. "You're not my son." She looked at the viewpoint that showed the other Shinji being hugged by the other Yui. "You're just a figment of my son's imagination." She glanced at the three girls, but didn't say anything. Shinji stopped halfway top his mother. "Not you too..." He plopped onto the floor and started to rub his sore penis. "Dammit." Yui sighed. "Although you're a lot like my son, always masturbating when there's something important to do." Shinji blushed and stopped rubbing himself. -E- -V- -A- "I'm sorry, Father." Gendou's head flopped over and he looked at his son with his unbandaged eye. "It's not your fault." "Yes it is... this whole damn world is my fault!" Yui knelt down next to her husband's wheelchair and wiped the drool off her husband's mouth. "Dear, our son thinks he's God." "Oh..." Gendou looked at Shinji. "Then I'd like a better job and my eye back, Mr. God." Shinji gulped. "Sorry, I can't change what's happened. I'm sorry about giving you such a crappy job, but I was mad at you for using me as your tool to destroy the world." His--or to be more precise, the other Shinji's--Mother and Father--make that adoptive Mother and Father--looked at Shinji and three eyes blinked twice. "See?" Yui said, looking back at her husband. "Yes..." Gendou nodded. "It's a good thing he's already engaged or we'd be stuck with this crazy kid forever." Shinji sighed. "I'm not crazy. I'm just stuck in a crazy world that I made to get back at my real world." He clenched his eyes shut tight. "I tried to make things better, but I still couldn't make a decent world for us." Yui sighed and ran her hand gently through her son's hair. "That's okay, you did your best. No use beating yourself up over it." Shinji sighed. "You don't believe me. You're just trying to placate me." Yui nodded. "Pretty much." She looked at the door. "Can I go get a doctor so they can pump you full of drugs?" "Not right now..." Shinji said absently, obviously not hearing the question. Probably. -E- -V- -A- The next day, Rei was again at Shinji's bedside talking about anything and everything with him. If it wasn't for the nurses that were keeping a close eye on them and Shinji's sore crotch after the 'sprung suture' incident--which it had come to be known as around the hospital--she'd be in the bed cuddled up to his side. Among other things. "Hey, jailbird!" They looked towards the door and saw Touji, Kensuke, and Hikari standing in the doorway. Shinji smiled nervously. "Um... Hi guys." He followed Touji's movements as the tall boy walked across to his bed. Touji frowned and looked down at his lap. "What are you staring at? Is my fly open?" Shinji gulped. "It is, but I was actually looking at your left leg and arm." Touji tucked his one eyed snake back into his pants. "Huh... what do you mean?" he asked as he tucked his penis in next to his pet snake--which had a lovely eye patch over its missing eye--and then zipped up. Shinji smiled. "It's just nice to see you in one piece, Touji." "How many pieces should I be in?" Shinji just smiled. Hikari rolled her eyes. "I have enough trouble handling one piece." Shinji nodded. "Yeah, hopefully you can handle him when he finds ou..." He went silent. "Never mind. How are all you all?" Hikari gave Shinji a quick hug and then let Touji and Kensuke slap Shinji silly like most 'macho' men would do instead of being honest with their feelings. Touji slapped Shinji's arm. "Hang in there, pal, at least you're not getting butt fucked in prison anymore." Translated that meant that Touji was very happy Shinji was out of jail and still had his anal virginity intact. Kensuke laughed and slapped Shinji's stomach. "At least he didn't blow your head off-" He glanced at Shinji's groin. "-before you blew his off." Translated that meant that Kensuke was glad Shinji's penis and testicles weren't blown off and that he wished he could have fired the gun instead. "I'm happy you're okay, Shinji." Hikari leaned down and gave Shinji a peck on his cheek. Translated that meant she was happy Shinji was okay. "So what's going to happen with this?" Touji asked, shaking the handcuff that still attached Shinji to the bed rail. "I don't know..." "So what's going to happen with this?" Kensuke asked, glancing at Shinji's groin. Talk about a one track mind. "I don't know..." "It'll be okay," Rei said, hope evident in her eyes. "So what's going to happen with this?" Hikari asked, looking at Rei. "In a perfect world we'd marry, have two point four children and live happily ever after." Rei smiled. "But this isn't a perfect world." Rei frowned. "I don't know what's going to happen." Shinji looked at each of the four teenagers in the room. "Maybe that's for the best." He looked at Rei and smiled. "I don't know what the future will bring, but I'd like to find out with Rei at my side and my friends and family along for the ride." Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji." "Dang, Shinji's gone all soft and mushy on us," Touji commented. Hikari smiled. "You could learn something from him, you dolt. I think it's sweet." She unconsciously glanced at Kensuke, who blushed and avoided making eye contact. "I'll try, Honey," Touji said and then turned towards Shinji. "So you and Rei getting a lot of sex in here?" Hikari slapped Touji. Hard. "What?" Touji asked, holding his throbbing cheek. Hikari shook her head sadly. For the next hour or so, Shinji and the gang caught up on events. Shinji relished the ability to talk to his friends without being interrupted by having to go save and/or destroy the world, maiming a friend with his giant robot, crushing the body of a boy he loved, or the dozens of other unpleasant things he routinely had to do in the world he destroyed. In short, he was happy. And then he had to go and ruin it by asking a stupid question. "So... where's Asuka?" "Um... I've got to go now..." Touji tried to make a break for it, but Hikari grabbed his arm. "What?" Shinji asked. Hikari stared at Shinji for a few moments before answering. "She's just a little upset at you." "Why?" Hikari rolled her eyes. "Gee, you think it could have something to do with you leading her on and then breaking your pre-arranged marriage to her so that you can marry your half sister and future mother of your child?" Shinji gasped. "Oh yeah... that." Hikari slapped Shinji. Hard. "How could you make it seem like you're a disinterested third party in this! She loved you, you jerk!" "Yeah, I know, but it's not my fault. The other Shinji did all that." Touji smirked. "That's a pretty lame excuse, Shinji. Even I would think up something better. Like saying my mother insisted that I lose my virginity before I was fifteen." Hikari scowled. "Shinji's lie is more believable than that awful lie was." "You knew?" "Of course." "Darn." Shinji leaned back and stared at the ceiling he had been staring at for most of the past day. "You all don't know how good you have it here." Touji stopped begging Hikari to forgive him and looked at Shinji. "Huh?" "This world isn't perfect... but maybe..." Shinji glanced at Rei. "You've gotten really weird, Pal," Touji said. "Yeah," Kensuke agreed. Hikari patted Shinji's chest. "My mom once said the world is what you make of it." Shinji chuckled. "You have no idea how true that is." -E- -V- -A- "Hmmmm...." Yui put her arm to her chin and looked at the four naked people in the theater with her. "This isn't appropriate." She reached into her robes and then started feeling up all the girls in the theater. A boob press here. A crotch feel there. "Hey! Stop that!!" "Interesting." "At least buy me a beer first!!" Yui finished affixing the fig leaf to Misato's crotch and then stepped back and admired her handy work. "Much better." The three women looked down and saw that their nipples and crotches were now covered by fig leaves. "Wha'cha do that for?" Asuka asked, pulling on the leaf covering her left nipple. "It's not appropriate to run around naked." "Well, speak to your son about that." Asuka found that she couldn't get the leaf off and moved to the one covering her vagina. "Why won't these come off?" Rei pulled on the fig leaves covering her nipples and then released them, causing her breasts to bounce. "Fascinating..." "As I said, it's not appropriate for you all to be naked." Yui looked at Shinji and tilted her head. She looked down at the little fig leaf she had in her hand and then at his crotch. "Hmmm.... that won't do." She reached into her robe again and pulled out a large oak leaf and before Shinji knew it the green oak leaf covered his mighty oak. "There, that's perfect." Shinji looked up from his leaf and saw the three fig-leafed girls. Blood burst from his nose a second later. "What's wrong?" Rei asked, taking a concerned step towards Shinji. Shinji tried to staunch the flow of blood with his hands. "Nothing... don't get too close!" He looked away from the almost naked women. Yui sighed. "So much like my son. Give him everything in the world and he gets bored with it." She looked around the theater. "But take something away and he gets all excited about what he's missing." She looked at Rei, who was trying to casually look behind the Shinji's oak leaf, which Asuka was trying to pull off. "It won't come off, Asuka." Asuka let go of the oak leaf she'd just been tugging on. "Damn." Misato rolled her eyes. "Like you haven't seen it enough already to last several lifetimes." "I believe she's already twisted it enough for everyone's lifetime as well," Rei calmly remarked. -E- -V- -A- Later, Asuka was off in one of the thirteen corners of the theater sulking because she couldn't pull Shinji's penis anymore. Misato and Yui were discussing how to get Shinji out of world six hundred and sixty-six. Rei three and Shinji six hundred and sixty six were repairing the floor where Shinji's penis had been stuck earlier. "Do you love that other Rei?" Rei asked as she positioned the board in the hole. Shinji nodded. "Yeah." He pulled a nail out of... somewhere and positioned it on the board. "Why?" Shinji paused and looked up at Rei. "Well... I'm not sure I can really describe it. I just feel so good when I'm with her. It's like she's a part of me that I've been missing and I can't live without her." "And not me?" Shinji frowned. "Well... I like being with you, but it feels different for some reason." "Why?" Shinji averted his eyes and looked for the hammer. "Um... well... I don't really know. You look like my Rei, but..." Rei waited for a few seconds for Shinji to finish his explanation, but he didn't. "But why?" Shinji gulped. "Well, you aren't as emotional as my Rei. You over analyze things and look at me differently." Rei looked at Shinji. "How do I look at you different?" "See? You're over analyzing things again." "Oh." "My Rei would probably shrug off that comment and jump my bones." "What does jump your bones mean?" Shinji gulped loudly. Avoiding answering the question, he grabbed the hammer that had appeared at his side and prepared to pound the nail in. Rei tilted her head. "What does it mean?" "Well... you know... have sex." "Oh." The hammer descended towards the nail. "So will you like me more if I fuck you till your toenails curl up?" Hammer met thumb. Thumb swelled up. Shinji screamed in pain. "That must hurt," Rei stated the obvious. Shinji fell back and held his throbbing thumb. Rei wanted to help, so she leaned down and took Shinji's hand. "I'm sorry." She slipped his hurt thumb into her mouth and slowly started to suck it. In and out. Back and forth. Up and down. Shinji's oak leaf bulged. "What the hell are you doing!!" Asuka bellowed. "I believe the proper term would be that I'm giving Shinji's thumb a blow job," Rei said without emotion. Asuka decided she didn't want to comment on that. Asuka speechless? It's the end of the world! Exactly. -E- -V- -A- The gang started to file out of Shinji's hospital room. "Hikari?" Shinji said before she got out the door. "Yes?" Hikari replied, turning back towards Shinji. "Can you... stay a bit longer." Shinji looked nervously at Rei and the two boys. "I um... have something I need to talk to you about." He looked at Rei. "Privately." Rei understood and nodded. She got up and passed Hikari on her way out the door, pulling Kensuke and Touji with her. Hikari sat down next to his bed. "What is it, Shinji?" Shinji took a deep breath. "Hikari, I think you need to tell Touji about you and Kensuke." Hikari gasped. "How did you..." Shinji shook his head. "It's not important. I can see how awkward you are with the two of them and if you let it go on, it's just going to be more painful for everyone involved." Hikari studied Shinji's face. "You're different somehow." Shinji smiled. "If you love Kensuke, you should be with him. If it's just because he's better in bed, then stay with Touji." Hikari blushed. "Kensuke must have told you that! Why that bragging jerk! I thought he was better than Touji!" "Kensuke didn't say anything." Shinji sighed. "I just know these things." Hikari tried to tell if Shinji was telling the truth and could see that he was. "So should I go with Kensuke or Touji?" "That's something I don't have the answer for. Either way you hurt someone. There is no perfect solu-" Shinji's eyes went wide. "-tion." Shinji tapped his chest. "Do what your heart tells you to do." Hikari smiled. "Is that what you did when you chose Rei over Asuka?" Shinji thought back to what led his alter ego to choose Rei. "Yeah, he did." "He did?" "I did." Shinji smiled. "In this crazy mixed up world there is no perfect solution, but you can be happy." Hikari smiled and leaned over to Shinji. "Thanks." She gave him a brief peck on his lips. "You've matured a lot, Shinji." "Yeah... we all have." Shinji watched Hikari turn and walk towards the doors. "Who will you choose?" Hikari stopped and looked back. "That's up to my heart." Shinji smiled and then a thought struck him. "If you choose Kensuke, just be careful how you tell Touji." Hikari nodded her understanding. "Kensuke should take an extended vacation, no sharp objects nearby, and a bulletproof glass partition between Touji and me, right?" Shinji nodded. "Yeah... I know some people at juvie hall that might be able to arrange something for you." Hikari smiled, but it was a forced smile since she knew she might need to take such drastic steps. -E- -V- -A- Later that day, Hikari looked between Kensuke and Touji as she tried to decide who to keep and who to dump. She clenched her eyes shut and then threw a dart in their general direction, unconsciously farting at the same time. She opened her eyes and saw that the dart had stuck in the wall halfway between the two pictures of her two lovers. "Darn." She pulled the dart and repeated the throw a couple hundred more times, the dart never hitting either picture. "Crap." She took a good look at the dart and frowned when she saw the words 'Photographic paper repellant dart. Safe for use at photography exhibits.' "No wonder..." She got another dart and made sure it was a normal 'hit anything' dart. Closing her eyes, she threw it. When she opened her eyes again, the dart was halfway between the two photos. "Shit!" She sighed and decided she'd have to make her choice a different way. -E- -V- -A- "So all Shinji has to do is will himself to come back to the theater?" Misato said after a needlessly lengthy explanation from Yui with included several charts and PowerPoint presentations (Microsoft was the software supplier to the afterlife since Bill Gates bought Hell from the Devil in a leveraged buyout). "In it's simplest form, yes," Yui said rolling out a roll of paper with a ten mile long representation of the Human genome. "The key is in the genetic strands..." Misato tuned Yui's explanation out, not wishing to be subjected to another discussion on the finer points of Human nature again. Instead, she looked over and saw Shinji and Rei talking together. She looked over at Asuka. Her eyes widened. "Stop it Asuka!!" Asuka stopped in her tracks. "What?" "Put down the weed whacker, Asuka." Asuka lowered the weed whacker she held in her hands and took a long look at the oak leaf covering Shinji's privates. "Dammit, I need to get that leaf off!!" "Why?" Misato asked. Asuka shrugged her shoulders, causing the two fig leaves covering her nipples to bounce. "I just can't stand not being able to see under that leaf!!" "Well, just think of something else." "Like what?" Misato thought for a few moments. "Anything." Asuka dropped to the floor and clutched her head. "I can't! I have to see what's under that leaf!!" Misato sighed. Yui looked away from her 1:1 scale model of Shinji's brain. "What's wrong?" Misato smiled lopsidedly. "Penis withdrawal." "Ah..." Yui nodded thoughtfully. "I always hated it when my husband withdrew his from within me." Misato grimaced. "That's not exactly what I meant." "What did you mean, dear?" Misato opened her mouth to explain, but then thought better of it. "Never mind. Let's just concentrate on getting our Shinji back here." Yui nodded. "Well, as soon as he wants to come back, he will." Asuka looked up at the viewpoint. "By the looks of things, he won't want to leave that world." Misato and Yui looked at the redhead. "What do you mean, Asuka?" Misato asked. Asuka nodded towards the viewpoint. "Oh my." "There is no way I'm letting that kid date my daughter anymore!!" "What's up?" Shinji asked, walking up with Rei. Misato got in front of the viewpoint. "Nothing." Shinji's eyes narrowed. He could always tell when his Misato was lying and he could see the same reaction on this Misato. he thought as he stared at her fig leaves. "What's going on?" "Nothing." Shinji tried to look around Misato, but Asuka grabbed him. "There's nothing to see. Let's go fuck, okay?" "No!!" "Well..." Asuka thought quickly. "Why don't you go fuck Rei then." Rei's eyes widened and a smile appeared on her face. "Now I know you're hiding something!" Shinji dodged to the right, Misato dodged to the right. Shinji Dodged to the left, Misato dodged to the left. Shinji reached out and twisted Misato's upper fig leaves. "Ouch!!" Misato dropped to the floor and rubbed her breasts. "You all masturbate a lot in here, don't you?" Yui asked. Shinji's eyes widened when he saw the viewpoint. "I'm going to kill myself!!" "Shinji, suicide is not the answer," Yui said softly. Shinji was too mad at seeing what he was doing with Rei to respond to that. He titled his head to keep up with the action in the viewpoint. "That bastard!!" -E- -V- -A- Rei sat on top of Shinji's bandaged groin and pulled off her bra, which was the last of her clothes. "Rei, we shouldn't be doing this!!" Rei smiled. "Don't worry, they said they put in extra strong sutures this time." She winked. "I think they figured out what was happening after the sutures popped off the third time." Shinji blushed. "That's not what I meant!" Rei started to unbutton Shinji's pajama top. "What do you mean?" "We... we... should wait till we get married." Rei blinked twice in surprise. "Why?" Shinji had a very good reason--besides his privates currently being held together by some heavy-duty sutures--but he didn't think Rei would buy the fact that he was from a different world and was still a virgin. "Just... because." Rei frowned. "Why are you so cold to me? I know we can't have sex, but I miss being close to you." She leaned down and pressed her naked chest against Shinji's. "I just want you to be happy." Shinji's eyes widened. "You want me to be happy?" "Yes." Shinji put his hand to Rei's face. "What about 'US' being happy?" Rei smiled and put her hand to Shinji's face. "If you're happy, I'm happy." She stretched out her neck and gave Shinji a passionate kiss. "As long as we're together, we'll be happy." Shinji's bandage rose without blowing any sutures out. "As long as we're together-" He ran his hand down Rei's naked back. "-we'll be happy." Rei started to purr and pressed her body against Shinji. "Break it up you two!!" Rei and Shinji looked over at the door and saw Ritsuko and Naoko--Rei's mother and grandmother respectively--standing in the doorway. "Mom!!" "Doc... err... Ms. Akagi, I'm pleased to see you." Ritsuko's eyes narrowed. "Looks like you're more pleased to have my daughter on top of you." Naoko stormed over and pulled Rei off Shinji. Then she grabbed Shinji's open pajama top and pulled him up off the bed as far as his handcuffed hand would allow. "You have a lot of explaining to do, mister!" she spat and then slapped him. Hard. Harder than his penis was at that moment. Shinji's head snapped sideways from the savage blow. "I'm sorry... I... I... I'm an animal. Rei is just so beautiful and sexy like her mother and grandmother, I couldn't resist." Rei paused in putting her clothes back on as a warm feeling passed over her chest. A thought struck her. Naoko scowled more at Shinji. "Who the fuck cares about that?!" Shinji looked confused. Ditto for Rei and Ritsuko. "You screwed up the Eva championships, you bastard!!" Naoko shouted and then slapped Shinji again. Shinji was so startled by the fact that she was more upset over the Eva tournament ending in a no-holds-barred fistfight than her granddaughter sitting naked on top of him that he barely felt the slap. Rei and Ritsuko fell to the floor, dazed. "You... you're upset over the championships?" Shinji gasped, wondering why the room was spinning around him. Well, maybe he did feel the slap after all. "Yes!! Because of your little stunt, I wasn't able to introduce the next generation Eva game!" "Next gen..." Shinji shook his head. "This time the Evas were going to be battling aliens on distant worlds and wearing spandex outfits with capes!!" "I think your granddaughter's wellbeing is more important than some damn game!!" Naoko flinched and glared at Shinji. "How dare you!" Shinji shook his head sadly. "He did... I did what I had to do to protect the woman I love." The people watching the viewpoint in the theater all 'awwwwwed' except for Shinji who was taking notes. "No, how dare you call Eva 'just a game'?" Shinji's jaw fell open. "Fine, I'm sorry. Eva is a great game, but the woman I love is more important to me. I would think your granddaughter would be more important to you." Naoko blinked two hundred and forty times. "She is." Rei's eye twitched. "Well, as her mother, I have no reservation saying that my daughter comes first." Ritsuko struck a motherly pose. Well, it was more like the pose she was in when she became a mother. Conception or birth doesn't matter, it's the same pose if you catch my drift. Rei turned away from her mother. Shinji threw up. -E- -V- -A- Things calmed down a bit over the next half-hour. Rei was dressed and sitting on the bed next to Shinji. Naoko was sitting in the chair knitting a little jumper. And Ritsuko was reaming Shinji a new one. Figuratively, of course. If Shinji wouldn't let the scores of prisoners into his backdoor, there was no way he'd let Ritsuko in. Mentioning this to Ritsuko was the reason for the current reaming. "If you're going to raise my grandchild you're going to have to straighten up and clean up your potty mouth, you got that, you god-dammed-buttwad?!" "Yes, ma'am." "Good." "Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about that grandchild for a while, will we Shinji?" They all looked over and saw Yui wheel Gendou in through the open door. Ritsuko frowned. "What do you mean." Yui looked at Rei and Shinji. "Rei said it during the fight with Hasamoto and I've done some checking since then." She saw Rei's eyes widen. "Rei isn't pregnant." "Am too!!" Ritsuko looked at her daughter. "But... but the prison nurse..." Yui shook her head. "I had a... talk with her and she fessed up to being bribed to fake the positive pregnancy test." Rei scowled. "She's lying!!" Ritsuko swore. "Dammit, I knew I should have had the tests done again." "I'm telling you, I'm really pregnant!!" "Rei, let it go. It's time to be truthful." Rei looked at Shinji with disbelief. "Shinji... shhhhh... she was buying it." Ritsuko actually giggled. "You weren't even close to making me believe it." Rei pouted. "Dang." "Well, at least I don't have to let you marry this jackass now," Ritsuko said, looking at Shinji. Rei's eyes went wide and she jumped to Shinji's side and grabbed him, afraid to let go. "No!!" "There's no way I'm going to let you marry your half-brother now that you're not carrying his child!" Ritsuko shouted at her daughter. "I'll marry him over your dead body!!" Ritsuko scratched her head. "That's my line, isn't it?" "No, because if you don't let me marry him, I'll kill you, you old hag!!" Rei's face was filled with hatred. "Calm down, Rei," Shinji said, holding back Rei. He looked at Ritsuko. "If she wasn't my half-sister, would you let her marry me?" Ritsuko looked ready to bite Shinji's head off, possibly both of them. "You little fuc..." A light bulb suddenly went on over her head. She turned towards Naoko. "Mom, stop playing with the light switch!!" Naoko smiled apologetically. "Sorry, I thought you needed more light for dramatic effect." Ritsuko sighed in disgust at her mother and then turned back to Shinji. "You little fuckwad... if you weren't Rei's half-brother I'd kill you." "But could I marry her?" "Sure." Ritsuko smiled smuggly, knowing that it was a safe thing to concede to. Shinji smiled. "Then I can marry her. I'm not Gendou Ikari's real son, so I'm not really her half-brother." "What?!" Rei and her mother shouted at the same time, while her grandmother turned off all the lights in the room. For dramatic effect, of course. -E- -V- -A- "What?!" Shinji shouted at the viewpoint. "What does he mean I'm not my father's son?" He looked at his mother, or who he thought of as his mother. Yui shrugged. "Don't look at me. He must have wished not to be his father's son at some point." "Why?" Shinji asked. "I know my dad is a bit of a jerk and has a lame job, but what is that other me's problem with him?" Yui looked awkwardly at the other residents of the theater. Asuka laughed. "Who want's to start the list?" -E- -V- -A- "Rock... paper... scissors!!" Hikari and Kensuke said before school. Hikari held up a flat hand. "Paper." Kensuke held up two fingers. "Scissors cuts paper." Hikari smiled. "Okay, you're my boyfriend. Now get out of town so I can tell Touji." Kensuke gulped loudly. "What?! You said this was to determine what we did tonight!" "Yeah, but it was really to decide which boyfriend to keep." Kensuke wiped the sweat of his face. "What a way to decide something so important." Hikari shrugged. "It was this or I let you and Touji fight for me in a no holds barred death match." Kensuke gulped loudly. "So if you can get out of town for a week or so, I'll try and tell Touji." "Okay... but I'd rather you had chosen me because your heart told you to." Hikari looked around to make sure no one was nearby and then wrapped her arms around Kensuke's neck. "I did." Kensuke frowned. "But the game we..." Hikari smiled. "You ALWAYS chose scissors when we play this game." "Then..." Hikari nodded. "I love you, Kensuke." She stood on her tiptoes and gave Kensuke a long kiss. Kensuke's eyes were spinning when their lips parted. His head was spinning a second later. Touji landed a fist to Kensuke's chin, causing his head to spin around a few times. A second punch sent the fair-haired boy flying against the back wall of the school. "How dare you kiss my girl, you two-timing bastard!!" Kensuke was shaking as he saw the tall boy storm up to where he had fallen. "I... I... I'm sorry!!" Touji rolled up his sleeves. "You will be!!" -E- -V- -A- "That bastard!!" Shinji shouted when the list reached two hundred and sixteen items. "How dare he do all that to that other Shinji!" He plopped down onto the floor. Yui nodded. "Yes, my husband is a unfeeling bastard who I should have killed on my wedding night when he couldn't get it up, but he's still a good man." "I didn't need to hear that." "Well, at least he got it up long enough to have you, Shinji!!" Asuka shouted and then started to laugh. "Shut up, Asuka!!" The other residents of the theater chorused together. -E- -V- -A- "So my mother and father found me floating down the sewage filled river near Hokkaido," Shinji finished explaining how he became an Ikari. Rei was smiling. "Now I can marry you!!" "No, he can't!!" Ritsuko yelled. "I don't care if he isn't your half-brother, I'm not letting you get married!" Rei glared at her mother for the two millionth, thirty-five thousandth, seven hundredth, and fifty-first time since she was born, where she glared at her mother as soon as she left the womb. "But you said if he wasn't my half-brother, I could marry him!!" Ritsuko shrugged. "I lied." Naoko cleared her throat. "Before my daughter gets killed by Rei and Shinji, I think you all should know something." Everyone looked at Naoko and asked, "What?" Naoko looked at her daughter. "Ritsuko, you didn't know this since you were unconscious because you couldn't stand the pain of childbirth, you little wimp, but..." "Hey!! I was in a lot of pain!!" Naoko ignored her daughter's outburst and turned to Rei. "Anyway, Rei, you have a twin brother. Since we only needed one baby for appearances, after the birth I took the ugly one and put it into a sewage filled river near Hokkaido." She looked directly at Shinji. "Shinji isn't your half brother, he's your full brother and your fraternal twin." Shit. Fan. You know the rest. -E- -V- -A- Something according to Shinji: Wasn't that something? [End - Garden of EVA 2:7 - Something Blows!] ======================================================================= Author's notes/ramblings: Flame away... I'd like to thank my pre-readers Michael A. Chase, Emanuele Barron, and Thomas C. Kinnen for helping me find and fix problems with this story. FFML members Henry J. Cobb, Trevor Laughlin, and Jose Argao were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Revision 0.0 - Initial draft began (August 6, 2000) Revision 0.1 - Initial draft completed (September 1, 2000) Revision 0.3 - Pre-reader draft (September 6, 2000) Revision 0.4 - FFML draft (September 24, 2000) Revision 1.0 - Final version (October 25, 2000) Revision 1.1 - First RAAC posting (October 29, 2000)