From: Jim Lazar Subject: [Eva][FanFic][Lime] Garden of EVA 2:9 - The Theater Blows!! X-Moderation-Queue-Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001 15:16:37 -0800 ======================================================================= Garden of EVA 2:9 - The Theater Blows!! Book 2: Blows Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-2001 by Jim Lazar A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that will blow your mind. "Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese." E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: mailto:jimlazar@animeprime.com Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at: http://www.animeprime.com/ff/geva ======================================================================= After all the sex, violence, and bad jokes in previous parts, do I really need to write a warning here? ======================================================================= The theater according to Shinji: What was once my refuge from the real world and the horrible worlds I created is now my tomb. This is beyond blowing, sucking, or biting. It's so bad that there's no slang for how bad it is. -E- -V- -A- They started to sway gently in the breeze. "Well, I think we're going to make it," Rei remarked. "Yeah..." Shinji said right before the rope snapped and they started to plunge towards the pavement four hundred meters below. They both screamed. "I love you, Rei!!" Shinji called, but went unheard over the rush of air and Rei's continued screaming. Shinji looked down and smiled when he saw a truck filled with mattresses parked directly below. He frowned when the driver got into the truck and drove away. "Crap!!" He frantically thought of how he could save them both, but found that there was no way. "Dammit, I hate this god-dammed world!! I wish we were back in the theater!!" A shattering explosion assailed Shinji's senses and sent shivers down his spine. All around him, the fabric of the world he created bent and folded until finally it exploded into billions of small fragments. Seconds later a long rope slapped against the pavement, going unnoticed by the people walking by. Several assorted pieces of clothing drifted down as well, a passing pervert collecting Rei's bra and panties before they even hit the ground. "Pretty panties!" the little old man chimed as he carried his sack of ill-gotten undies away. -E- -V- -A- An eternity later, Shinji and Rei appeared above the theater floor. Both were screaming and were also naked as the last time they took a bath together. The others in the theater looked up and gaped at the sudden appearance of the two naked teenagers. Shinji had a split second to realize that he was back in the theater with Rei still safe in his arms. It was the happiest moment of his life. Then he realized he was still falling as fast as he was when they disappeared from world six-six-six. That realization came when his skull impacted against the wooden floor of the theater at terminal velocity. Before the horrified eyes of the theater's occupants, Shinji's skull cracked open and spilled its contents across the theater floor. Fragments of the wooden floor and rafters exploded as his body was driven through them and into the concrete underfloor. Bones cracked. Torn flesh was flung in all directions. Organs were mangled and tossed aside. Being oriented feet down, Rei had her legs driven up through her torso, which was quickly ripped apart as her various bones shattered and sliced apart her internal organs. Her organs joined Shinji's in being mangled and thrown across the floor. Finally her skull slammed into the pool of blood that once was Shinji and the rest of her body. The head was flattened and cracked into two pieces. Her lifeless eyes stared blankly ahead as the left side of her head slid down the side of the right half. A few meters away from the dark pool of expanding blood and guts, two hearts lay next to each other where the impact had thrown them. And took their last beats together. "Bummer," Asuka said softly. "Rei!!" the Shinji that was whole yelled and threw himself towards the pieces of his former lover. Misato just stared blankly at the mass of flesh and blood that once was Shinji and Rei. The Rei that was still in one piece didn't know how to feel. She had seen something similar after Ritsuko destroyed her other selves in the cloning tank, but something in her told her this was different. The Rei in front of her had been a thinking, living person; while her other selves were just blanks, waiting for their turn to use the single soul that made Rei, 'Rei'. A single tear slipped from her eye and splashed across her hand. Then she knew. Her loss was not herself, but of what she could be. For all her observations on what it was to be 'human', she had only grasped just a small part of what 'human' really meant. The dismembered remains of the Rei in front of her had been more human than she could ever be, flaws and all. She dropped to her knees and started to sob into her hands. Shinji stared into the eye that dangled from the bloody eye socket of the left side of Rei's skull that he held in his hands. "Rei..." Hearing a familiar sob, he looked over to the other Rei--the one still in one piece. "Rei..." He looked back at the remains of 'his' Rei and then back at the 'other' Rei. He walked slowly over to the sobbing Rei. "Rei... I'm sorry." Rei looked up with tear-filled eyes. "Don't worry about me, I don't know how to feel." Shinji looked at the grief-stricken girl in wonder. "You... you look like you feel like I do." "Really?" Rei said, cocking her head to the side. "Yeah..." Shinji pulled Rei into a hug, his own tears splashing against her back. Rei felt his warmth flow into her and then felt his tears hitting her back. "Can I have that half of her skull, please?" Their tender moment interrupted, Shinji and Rei looked over at the source of the voice. "Huh?" Yui reached out and indicated the half of Rei's skull that Shinji held clutched to his bloody chest. In her other hand, she cradled an assortment of other body parts against her chest. "The head, give it to me," she ordered sternly. Shinji looked down at the horrible thing he held in his hand. "Why?" "Why not?" Shinji clutched the half skull tighter. "No... she's mine." Yui sighed. "Just like my son, always having to have his toys to himself." She paused and added, "And my husband, too. I had to constantly chase him out of Unit One's entry plug where he was playing 'Gekigangar pilot Gendou-chan'." She noticed the confused look on the others' faces at her use of 'chan'. "At first, he insisted that the Evas would have to be piloted by young, nubile, teenage girls--and I'd really rather not go into my husband's... fascination with little girls-" She glanced at Rei and Asuka, but not Misato; making Misato very angry. "-but I soon explained to him that young, hunky boys would work too." Ignoring Shinji's blush, she turned around and went back to collecting the various pieces of the other Shinji and Rei. Misato and Asuka just stared at the unusual actions of the woman in the white robe, which seemed to have resisted becoming stained with the blood of the body parts its wearer was sorting through. Shinji, Rei, and the half of Rei's skull dropped down onto the floor and continued to cry. Well, the first two did, the latter didn't have the ability to cry any more. After all, its tear ducts were on the flesh that had been savagely torn away from it. -E- -V- -A- "So now what?" Asuka asked Misato an indeterminate amount of time later. Bored, Misato sighed and looked slowly around the theater. Shinji, Rei, and half of the other Rei's skull were in one corner talking, crying, and comforting each other--not necessarily in that order and the first two were doing most, if not all, of the talking, crying, and comforting. Yui was... Misato shuddered and looked away from the pile of Shinji and Rei's remains that Yui had collected and was now going through, as if looking for something. "I don't know, but I think Mrs. Ikari has lost it." Asuka smirked. "That whole family has always been nuts." "How would you react if someone you loved just died in the sickest and most disgusting way possible, as if some demented person wanted to make others sick to their stomachs by showing Shinji and Rei's gory deaths as if they were part of some sick and twisted story?" Asuka flinched and changed the subject, much to the author's relief. "Maybe we should get that other Shinji to make a new world." Misato shook her head. "That world was set in stone, remember?" "Oh, yeah..." Asuka looked over near the viewpoint, which had frozen when Shinji and Rei's hearts had stopped beating. The frozen image on the viewpoint showed the spot under the Tokyo-3 Mega-tower where Shinji and Rei should have crashed to their deaths. Instead, they had appeared in the theater and crashed to their deaths onto the wooden floor--as the large hole and splinters of blood covered wood could attest to. Asuka pulled a splinter out of her left breast. "Ow..." Her head cocked to the side and a confused look appeared on her face. "Where are the storyboards?" Misato followed the redhead's gaze and frowned when she didn't see the storyboards. "They were right under the viewpoint." "Well, they must have disappeared after Shinji went to pieces." Asuka smiled at her sick little joke. "So now this Shinji can make a new world for him and... um... us." Misato's thoughts went unspoken. "Can he do that?" Asuka shrugged her shoulders, causing her breasts to bounce. "Beats me, but since the other one is in a thousand pieces and the storyboards are gone, what harm could it do?" Misato started to list the possibilities. -E- -V- -A- "You want me to do what?!" Shinji screamed. "Well, you've got to make a new world for us all to live happily ever after in," Asuka explained, subtitles appearing below her to inform him of her real meaning. They read, 'And you'd better make sure we end up together, buttwad'. Shinji frowned and scratched his head. "Yeah... but what good is a new world without my sweet Rei?" He doesn't read subtitles apparently. The Rei standing next to him frowned. Asuka took a different approach and slugged Shinji's stomach. "Make a perfect world for us to have a lot of sex in or I'll kill you!!" Shinji clutched his stomach and grunted. "Ok... ok... I'll try." -E- -V- -A- Several eternities later, Shinji put down his new storyboards. "There." Asuka looked down at the pictures on the storyboards and laughed. "You've made a mess of those." Shinji frowned and looked down at the storyboards, which were covered with crossed out bits and erasure marks. "Well... it's not easy creating a whole new world, you know!!" "Whatever..." Asuka sighed and looked between Shinji and the storyboards. "Well, go into your trance and let's see what you fucked up in this world." Shinji frowned. "Trance?" "Yeah, you zone out and the viewpoint shows the result of your work on the storyboards." "How?" "Think of something bland... like Rei here," Asuka suggested, indicating Rei. Rei slapped Asuka hard. Asuka clutched her cheek. "Hey, stop that!!" "Why?" Rei asked. "It seems to be very affective at shutting you up." Shinji tried to zone out and think of nothing else in order to enter a trance. Unfortunately, the no-holds-barred almost-naked-chick fight that was unfolding in front of him precluded him from concentrating on anything but drooling. As the fight entered it's fifth round without a knockout, Yui casually walked over and got between the two girls. "Asuka, can I have it please?" Asuka stopped her swing before she hit Yui with her fist. "Huh?" "Shinji's penis, give it to me." Rei walked over to Shinji and pulled a bit on the oak leaf covering his mighty oak. "I believe it is still here." She started rubbing the oak leaf, causing it to bulge. "Yes, it is." Yui shook her head and looked straight at Asuka. "No, not that Shinji. The other Shinji's penis." She looked over her shoulder at the pile of blood and guts she had gathered. "I... I don't know what you're talking about," Asuka stammered. "I saw you take his penis from the remains," Yui explained and then glared at the redhead. "Now give it to me." "I don't have it!!" Asuka screamed and stomped away. The movement caused a long pink object to slip out of her hairdo where it had been hidden. The occupants of the theater all watched the penis drop to the floor accompanied by a squelching sound. It seemed to wiggle once before becoming still. "Um... how did that get there?" Asuka asked, not fooling anyone with her attempt to look innocent. Misato walked over and picked up the penis. "You were going to mount it on a stick, weren't you?" "No!" Asuka insisted, taking a step towards the older woman. This action caused a half meter long stick to fall out of her hair. They all watched the stick clatter to the floor of the theater without saying a word. No one with any sense of decency would touch it with a ten meter... stick. Rei picked up the stick and examined it. "It's sticky." Shinji looked closely at Asuka's poofy hair. "What else do you have in there?" "Nothing!" Asuka insisted. She spun around and stormed off, leaving a trail of items previously stored in her hair behind her. These included: a boombox, a leaf polisher with dual fig leaf attachment, an autographed copy of James Davidson's new Childhood of a Modern Dynasty biography, a pack of tampons, three blind mice that constantly bumped into each other, a partridge in a pear tree, and one box of cherry flavored condoms. "So that's where my condoms went to." Shinji and Misato turned and looked at Rei, but dared not ask any questions. -E- -V- -A- "Trance... trance... trance..." Shinji repeated over and over while staring at the storyboards. After he chanted 'trance' for the one hundred and twenty millionth time, he collapsed to the floor of the theater and sighed. "Crap, I can't do this!!" Misato knelt down next to Shinji and out a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Sure you can, Shinji." "I tried!!" Shinji rammed his fist into the ground. "What's the use without my Rei!" Misato slapped Shinji. Hard. "Do or do not, there is no try." Shinji glared at Misato while holding his cheek. "Yoda was never this mean." "Well, you try being through the hell I have and have any patience left for little boys who can't perform!" Shinji gasped. "I'm a man!!" He started rotating his hips and doing a little dance, trying to look manly. He failed miserably. "I didn't mean that kind of performance, Shinji." Misato glanced down at Shinji's bulge. Shinji gulped and put his hands over the oak leaf covering his penis. "Um... well... I tried to go into a trance, but it didn't work. I don't think it'll work for me." Misato stroked her chin. "Well... maybe the leaf is interfering." "I'll help pull it off!!" Misato and Shinji gasped as the blue haired girl appeared out of nowhere. They'd expect Asuka to volunteer for leaf removal service, not Rei. Shinji blushed. "Um... well..." Rei looked at Shinji with her pleading eyes. "Please?" She lowered her gaze and looked at the oak leaf with a hungry look on her face. "Please?" she begged, wiping the drool from her face. Misato shook her head sadly. Reaching over, she pulled Rei's face, scalp, and hair from Asuka's head. "That's sick, Asuka." Asuka wiped the blood from her face and sneered. "Well, you never let me have any fun around here, so I figured as long as that Rei wasn't using her face any longer, I could make use of it." She took the face back from Misato and held it up. Using one hand to move the lips, she mimicked Rei's voice. "Come on, Shinji, don't you want me to suck your prick?" Shinji retched and doubled over, quickly disgorging the contents of his stomach onto Asuka's feet. Asuka grimaced and looked at her feet. "I'll take that as a no." -E- -V- -A- Several millennia later, Shinji stared at the ceiling of the theater. "I'm bored." "Yes..." Rei said softly from where she lay by his side. "Well..." Asuka started to suggest, but was interrupted by Misato's hand over her mouth. "No, he doesn't want to fuck you, Asuka," Misato said. "How many millennia have been stuck here now?" Shinji looked over at the storyboards they'd been counting the passing millennia on. "Forty eight." Misato, Rei, and Asuka sighed in unison. "If you want to fuck Asuka, go ahead." Shinji slowly turned his head and looked at Rei. "Huh?" "It might be interesting to watch." Shinji's jaw dropped open like Misato's legs for Kaji. Asuka smiled. "Hot damn, we've got the clone's permission now!" she blurted and slid on top of Shinji. "I really don't feel like it," Shinji said, pushing Asuka off him. "Maybe next millennia." "Darn, I really wanted to see that," Rei said softly. -E- -V- -A- More millennia passed. "I'm still bored," Shinji said softly. "Well?" "Okay... let's fuck." Asuka smiled and jumped on top of Shinji's oak leaf. "Hot damn!!" She started to bounce up and down in an attempt to force Shinji's penis to break through the oak leaf and, in turn, hers; both of which stood between her and happiness. "Can I have that skull now, Shinji?" Asuka didn't stop bouncing as she looked over at the source of the voice. "Go away!" "You two can fuck all you want, but I need that skull now," Yui said, looking a bit tired as if she had spent endless millennia in a small confined theater with a bunch of whiny, undersexed kids and a oversexed tramp. "Who are you calling an oversexed tramp!!" Misato snapped and glared at the author. Gulp. Anyway, Shinji looked at the half skull resting at his side. "Why?" Yui sighed. "I've let you play with it for the time being, but I really need it to finish putting them back together." She looked over at the corner she had been spending most of her time in. Shinji and the three women followed her gaze and gasped at the sight that befell their eyes. "What?" "How?" "Why?" In the corner, two very recognizable bodies were laying on the floor. Two almost complete bodies, quite different from the mass of torn flesh, organs, and bones they used to be. Shinji's lifeless eyes stared up at the ceiling, looking almost exactly how the other Shinji from world six hundred and sixty-six had looked while staring at the ceiling. Except that Shinji had been breathing. Remarkably, both Shinjis currently had erections. The body of Rei was mostly complete, save for the missing piece of her skull and eye. Her perfect naked body was the cause of one of the Shinji's erections. Rigor mortis was the cause of the other's. Yui held out her hand, waiting for the half skull. "I'm putting that Shinji and Rei back together again, didn't I mention that before?" The other four people in the theater slowly shook their head 'no'. "Oh..." Yui shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry, I thought I did." She looked back at the two bodies. "It's really not that hard, it just takes time to reassemble all their pieces at a sub-molecular level." The four people just stared at Yui, dumbfounded. "Of course, sorting out which piece was belonged to which body was a bit tricky." Yui giggled slightly. "I accidentally put Rei's breasts on Shinji at first." "Well, she is flat chested," Asuka remarked looking at the living and breathing Rei's chest. "Shinji likes my breasts, don't you, Shinji?" Rei asked, while squeezing her breasts. "Um... yeah..." Grimacing, Shinji turned away from where Rei was kneeling over herself and squeezing the other Rei's breasts. He looked at Yui. "Um... but why are you putting their corpses back together?" "Why not?" Yui replied. "Well... it's sick." "Why?" Shinji snapped. It took him a few millennia, but he finally snapped. "Why?! Can't you just bury their bodies and let them rest in piece?!" "This coming from the guy who's hung onto half of her skull for several millennia," Asuka remarked snidely. Shinji trembled and looked down at the half skull he held in his hands. "You're right." Asuka fell off Shinji's lap in surprise. "I am?" "Yes... I didn't want to let her go." Shinji took a deep breath. "Here, do what you want with it, you ghoul." He thrust the skull out towards Yui and after she took it, he pulled Rei up into his arms. The living and breathing one, that is. "Rei, I'm sorry I made you wait all these millennia, but I've finally put the death of the other Rei behind me." Rei's heart skipped several beats, forming a tune that sounded like 'Fly Me to the Moon'. "Will you marry me?" Shinji asked and reached out with a trembling hand. "No!!" Shinji's head snapped around at hearing the familiar voice. "Ack!!" He gasped and backed away, crashing into Rei, Asuka, and Misato. Rei looked oddly at Shinji, the flesh of her face hanging loosely from where the missing half of her skull should be. Her body was sitting upright and staring at the others with its single eye. Bits of brain could be seen under the torn scalp where the missing piece of skull belonged. "Wha... wha.... what's going on?!" Shinji stammered from beneath the naked flesh of the women he had crashed into. Yui rushed back to the grizzly apparition and stuck her pinky finger into Rei's right ear. She twisted her finger while humming 'Fly Me to the Moon'. "Damn, she wasn't supposed to reawaken yet," Yui said as Rei slumped and stopped moving. Not to mention stopped breathing. "What do you mean?" Misato asked as she pushed the teenagers off her body and stood up. Yui gestured at the two still bodies. "What do you think I was doing over here? I was putting their bodies back together so they could live normal..." She looked around the theater. "Err... so they could live again in this abnormal place." Five jaws dropped. Four belonged to the fig-leafed people staring at Yui. The fifth belonged to the still body of Rei. Yui bent down and picked the detached jaw off the floor. "Damn, I thought I had that fixed." When she managed to find her wits, Misato stood up and walked slowly over to Yui and the two bodies. "But... how?" Yui smiled smugly. "If I could create the Evangelions and put the protocols into place to repair and regenerate them even after the most severe injuries, I think I can repair such a simple thing like a human body." She plucked Rei's eye out of the skull fragment and examined it. "The human body is just a bio machine when you come down to it. Even the soul is nothing more complicated than a fifty watt light bulb." She looked down at two burned out light bulbs that were resting behind the two bodies. "I would have finished sooner, but I didn't have a molecular ion bonder." She looked at her fingertips. "It's not easy performing molecular nano-surgery with your fingertips, you know." "So, she... they'll be alive again?" Shinji asked hopefully, looking at the also reassembled Rei. "Yes, didn't I mention that?" Yui asked as she peeled back the skin on Rei's face and tried to fit the jaw back into place. "No! Why didn't you say you could do that?!" Shinji screamed. "Well, you all looked so busy staring at the ceiling and that I didn't want to disturb you." "Dammit, I could have helped you put his penis back on if you'd told me what you were doing!!" Asuka turned towards Misato and blinked several times. "Hey, that's my line!!" Misato glared at Asuka. "You've got your stick. What have I had these long, endless millennia?!" "You could have just used your fingers," Rei remarked, holding up her sticky fingers. No one dared comment, not even the author. -E- -V- -A- Shinji stared at Rei's perfect naked body as Yui finished reassembling her head. "Are you done yet?!" Yui sighed. "Stop being so impatient. I'll finish when I finish." Shinji sighed and started to pace again, having already worn a visible groove through the oak floor of the theater and was already several centimeters into the concrete underfloor. In one of the corners, Rei was sitting cross-legged and staring at the floor. Misato walked up. "What's wrong, Rei?" Rei didn't look up when she responded. "What's wrong with me?" "Huh?" Misato responded, tilting her head in confusion. "I'm Rei, right?" "Yes." "So why is that Shinji so hung up on that other Rei and not me." Misato gasped and tried to think of what her mother would do in this situation. It took her just a half second to realize that most mothers would be insane after all that had happened to her before and after Third Impact. "I don't know, but your Shinji is being put back together too." "Yes, but in that other world he had been getting pretty close to that other Rei." Rei looked up, revealing her tear-stained cheeks. "What's wrong with me?" Misato gasped at seeing the unexpected tears. "Um..." She knelt down and pulled her daughter into an embrace. "Nothing's wrong with you. Life is sometimes hard to understand and things don't always go your way." "That really blows," Rei muttered. "Sucks too," Misato agreed. "Oh, bite me!!" Asuka yelled as she stormed over, her breasts bouncing with each stomp. "Don't worry, Wondergirl, you'll get one of the Shinjis in the end." Misato looked at Asuka with an astonished look on her face, but before she could say anything, Rei did. "I'd rather get him in my vagina, not my anus." Misato and Asuka's jaws dropped. "You're being a very bad influence on your daughter, you know," Asuka remarked, looking at Misato. "She didn't get that from me!" Misato insisted and looked at her daughter. "Rei, why have you been talking like that lately?" Asuka half laughed. "Lately, right... it's been at least ten millennia since she started talking like you." Misato glared at Asuka and wondered how many pieces she could tear the redhead into. "If you two are sexually frustrated, why don't you fuck each other?" Rei asked innocently. "What!!" Asuka bellowed. "We'd never..." "Well, one time in college..." Misato pondered, taking a good, long look at Asuka's fig leaves. Asuka's heterosexuality was saved when Yui called out across the theater. "They're done!!" The three young women looked over at the older woman and saw two perfectly assembled bodies of Shinji and Rei standing upright next to her, but unmoving. Not even the rising and falling of their chests revealed any sign of life. That was because they were still dead, of course. Or what Yui called, 'turned off'. Shinji climbed out of his hole and ran to the newly reassembled Rei. "Rei, I've missed you!" he shouted for joy and drew his long-lost-and-in-pieces-lover into an embrace. "You should at least let me turn her on first," Yui said, pulling Shinji's tongue out of Rei's mouth. "Mppphhhhh?" Shinji inquired with his tongue still in Yui's grip. Releasing Shinji's tongue, Yui looked at the two still bodies. "All humans have an off switch in their ears." "Huh?" the three younger women chorused, having come up behind Shinji. "How can humans have an 'off' switch?" Misato asked. "Whoever designed them figured they'd need one. Myself, I put the Eva's off switch in their belly buttons." Four sets of eyes blinked dumbly at Yui, while two other sets stared vacantly ahead. "Anyway, there's a safety on it so people don't get accidentally shut down," Yui explained as she stuck one pinky finger in Shinji's right ear and the other in Rei's right ear. "The musical tone needed was discovered during a concert where allot of people stuck their fingers in various orifices." She started to hum the tune to 'Fly Me to the Moon'. The other four people who were breathing looked very confused. The still bodies of Shinji and Rei suddenly blinked and doubled over, vomiting a mixture of blood and their last dinner onto the feet of the people in front of them. "Ewwww..." "It's just their bodies resetting themselves to their default conditions," Yui explained, having already stepped back out the range of the vomit. "You could have mentioned that sooner!" Asuka snapped, wiping the spew off her legs with a bundle of hair. Misato slugged Asuka and pulled her hair out of Asuka's grip. "Leave my hair alone!!" "Shinji!!" a familiar voice called out and tackled the oak-leafed Shinji. "Rei!!" another familiar voice--but of the opposite gender--called out and tackled the fig-leafed Rei. Long overdue hugs, kisses, fondles, and gropes were exchanged. Then something long and hard pressed against Shinji's leg, causing him to open his eyes and scream. Rei felt something soft and squishy squish against her breasts. Two somethings. "Fascinating." Before Asuka and Misato's horrified eyes, Shinji and Shinji were getting hot and heavy. Likewise, Rei and Rei were getting even hotter and heavier. "What are you all doing!!" Misato yelled. Shinji looked up from where he had just given himself a big hickey. "Oh, hi, Miss Misato, I'm just kissing my fiance. I thought we would die when we..." He trailed off and took a look at the theater around them. "Where the hell is this!!" Rei stopped sucking her twin's breasts and looked up. "Crap, we're back in that god-dammed theater again." "Don't stop..." the Rei pinned under the other Rei's firm teenage body moaned. "Get off me, you sicko!!" The Shinji under the other Shinji yelled and cracked a couple oak nuts with his knee. "What's going on?!" Misato bellowed. The Shinji that was rolling around on the oak floor holding his cracked nuts screamed, "Why'd you do that!!" Then he realized something. "Why do I have a penis and balls!!" He squeezed himself to make sure it was real. It was. "More importantly, why did you molest me, you sick bastard?" the other Shinji snapped, backing away. "Because I love you, Shinji!" Shinji said, trying to find something else that seemed to be missing from his body. "Where are my breasts?" he asked, patting his flat chest. "Huh? You don't have breasts, Shinji," Misato remarked. "I'm Rei," Shinji insisted, still looking for his breasts. "What?!" Misato and Asuka shouted together and looked at the two Rei's. "Then who is..." Misato started to ask, pointing at the Rei who was sucking her own breast. Rei looked up from the breast she had just been sucking. "Misato? Asuka?" "Why did you stop, Rei?" the fig-leafed Rei asked with a disappointed look on her face. The other Rei frowned. "Huh? I'm Shinji." She looked down and screamed. "Where's my penis?" Misato and Asuka silently pointed at the pair of Shinjis. The two sets of Reis and Shinjis looked at each other and screamed. Yui hit her palm with her fist. "Oops, I must have mixed up the brains." Six pairs of eyes looked at Yui. "Mom, how could you?!" one of the Reis called out. "Mrs. Ikari?!" one of the Shinji's called out. "Well, it's not like it's easy to tell the bits and pieces apart. Internally, humans are remarkably similar in construction." Asuka took a step forward. "So..." She pointed at the Shinji without an oak leaf. "That's Rei's brain in Shinji's body and that's-" she pointed at the fig-leaf-less Rei. "-Shinji's brain in Rei's body?" Yui nodded. Asuka dropped to the floor and laughed her ass off. "What are you talking about?" the Shinji in Rei's body asked. Yui sighed. "It's quite simple. You two fell from the tower, arrived here in the theater, your bodies were torn apart when they slammed into the floor, and I put you back together." The Shinji in Rei's body just stared at Yui in astonishment. "And I sort of mixed up your brains, so you have Rei's body now instead of your own." Yui shrugged apologetically. "Sorry." Shinji in Rei's body looked down at HER body and got aroused. Since she didn't have a penis, she just got all hot and bothered. "How could you do this?!" "Well, I did put you back together from a mixed mass of twisted bones and flesh, after all. You should just be glad that you're alive." Yui shrugged her shoulders. "What's going on, Shinji?" Rei in Shinji's body asked the other Shinji in his own body, as she/he squeezed her/his penis. "Why do I have a penis?" He squeezed again. "Hmmm... this could be interesting." She/he reached out to the other Shinji with the hand that wasn't holding her/his erection. "Why do guys need girls to have fun?" "Stay away from me!" "What's wrong?!" "Don't point that thing at me!!" -E- -V- -A- "So... we fell from the tower?" Yui nodded. "And somehow vanished from our world and warped into another dimension?" Yui nodded. "And appeared in this... theater?" Yui nodded. "Where our bodies were torn apart in a disgusting, slow motion, flesh tearing scene of blood and guts that was so nauseating some demons--also known as readers--got sick and puked on their keyboards?" Yui nodded. "And you're not a shrink, but a bio-genetic engineer who was able to reassemble our bodies from the pieces?" Yui nodded. "And the reason I have a penis is because you put my brain into Shinji's body by mistake?" Yui nodded. "So now do you understand?" The Rei in Shinji's body nodded. "Yes." She/he started to scream. Loudly. Amazingly, even though Rei was using Shinji's vocal cords, the scream sounded exactly like how a terrified girl would scream when confronted with the fact that she had been blown into small parts, reassembled with her brain in the wrong body, and found herself in a transdimensional, run-down theater. Needless to say, that's a scream very few people have ever heard. "Rei, calm down! This will all work out... somehow," the Shinji in Rei's body insisted. The Rei in Shinji's body stopped screaming and looked at the body she used to call her own. "Will you stop squeezing my breasts!!" Shinji in Rei's body looked up from her/his new playthings. "Um... sorry. How do you girls ever get anything done when you have these to play with?" The Rei in Shinji's body slapped her old body across her own face. "Oops..." she said when the slap caused the nose she used to call her own to fall off and roll across the floor. Yui sighed heavily and picked up the detached nose. "If you two don't stop breaking yourselves, I'll just leave the pieces where they fall." She walked over to the Shinji in Rei's body and started to reattach the nose. "T'ank yoooo," the Shinji in Rei's body wheezed. "This has got to be a..." the Rei in Shinji's body began to say, but the Shinji in Shinji's body walked over. "No, it's not a dream or a nightmare." The Rei in Shinji's body looked around toward the other Shinji who was in her old body. "And that's not my Shinji, you are?" The Shinji in his own body nodded. "And she's some sort of clone of me?" the Rei in Shinji's body asked, looking at the Rei who was in her own body. "Something like that..." The Rei in Shinji's body glared at her old body. "How could you deceive me like that!" "Doorrry..." The Shinji in her old body might have sounded more sincere if Yui's fingers weren't up his/her nose. -E- -V- -A- "Shinji, what are we going to do?" "I don't know, Rei." "Why won't you touch me?" Shinji flinched and looked into his own eyes. "It's too creepy touching myself." The Rei in Shinji's body nodded. "Yeah... it feels strange to scratch my crotch and have a penis and balls there." Not wanting to discuss the finer points of ball scratching with the woman he loved, Shinji changed the subject. "We'll find a way to get you back into your body and go back to our world together." The Rei in Shinji's body sighed. "I hope so, they seem to change the subject every time we ask them about that." "Yeah..." "So are we real?" Shinji wished he knew. "I wish I knew, Rei, but I know I love you." "Oh... Shinji..." the Rei in Shinji's body said and leaned in to kiss him. "Damn, that's a weird sight," Asuka said, interrupting the almost male-male kiss. "Hi, Asuka," both Shinjis greeted her. "Whatever..." Asuka looked at the Rei in Shinji's body. "Rei, I need you to do something for me." Shinji sighed. "If it involves her shoving her dick up your... you know... forget it." "Of course not..." Asuka insisted, pulling the Rei in Shinji's body to his feet. "Come on." Several seconds later, the Rei in Shinji's body slapped Asuka. "No, I won't let you suck it!" Shinji shook his head sadly. "She's just like our Asuka." -E- -V- -A- "Shinji, what are we going to do?" "I don't know, Rei." "Why won't you touch me?" Shinji looked up from his/her breasts. "The other Rei told me not to touch them!" he/she insisted, pointing at his/her breasts. Rei frowned. "No... me." She tapped her chest right between her own breasts. "Huh?" "You seemed to get pretty close to that other Rei who's in your body right now," Rei said, glancing at the pair of Shinjis with an unusual--for her--look of jealousy on her face. "Um... well..." The Shinji in Rei's body looked around nervously, hoping for a distraction. Unfortunately for him/her, Rei had asked her mother to keep anyone from disturbing them. The Shinji couple were too busy trying to figure out what the meaning of life, the universe, and everything was. Yui was writing a formula on one of the oak walls, the answer to which was apparently '42'. And Asuka was tied up and gagged in one of the corners. Misato stood guard over her with a wet noodle in her hand in case of trouble. Don't ask about the noodle. The Shinji in Rei's body squirmed, but couldn't get out of the vise-like grip Rei on his/her arm. "Shinji, please tell me..." Rei begged. "Um... well..." The Shinji in Rei's body looked around nervously. "Why does Misato have that wet noodle?" "Don't change the subject." "Um... what is the subject?" "Do you love that other Rei?" Rei asked slowly. "Probably." Rei's heart exploded. "I guess I love her as much as I love you." Rei's heart reassembled itself. "Shinji..." She leaned forward and locked lips with herself. Misato dropped her wet noodle when she saw her daughter kissing herself. Two oak trees bulged when their owners saw the two Reis--at least their bodies--kissing passionately. Asuka mumbled something through her gag. Yui nodded her agreement to whatever Asuka had said. "I never knew he was a lesbian either, Asuka." After the lesbian kiss between Shinji and Rei went into its second minute, Misato started to hit them with the wet noodle to break it up. The Rei in Shinji's body turned towards the Shinji in Shinji's body. "Why can't you kiss me like that." "You don't look as hot as they do," Shinji remarked without thinking. Well, he was thinking, but not with his brain. The thinking part of him was doing its best to force itself through the oak leaf that currently covered it. "You're right, this is a pretty disgusting body," the Rei in Shinji's body remarked with a broad grin on her/his face. "Yeah..." Shinji said, getting even more turned on watching Misato beat Rei and Rei with a wet noodle. The Rei in Shinji's body couldn't take it any longer and tackled the other Shinji. Lips met lips. Oak trees expanded. One of those expanding oak trees split the oak leaf covering it. "Keep that thing away from my ass!!" the Shinji in Rei's body shouted as he saw what his body was doing. "I wasn't going to stick my cock up my own ass, you sicko!" Shinji in Shinji's body insisted, glaring at his other self in Rei's body. Rei in Shinji's body blushed. "Sorry, I guess we got carried away." -E- -V- -A- Two Shinjis and two Reis stared at the ceiling. To avoid confusion--more confusion than normal, that is--each of them had their true name written on their foreheads to identify which brain was inside the skull of that particular body. "So what do we do?" "I don't know." "What if we're stuck in these bodies forever?" "I don't know." "We could..." "No, that wouldn't work." "You're right." "What if..." "No, we don't have a mallet big enough." "Not since Asuka took the handle off it, at least." "What does she do with that stick anyway?" "Oh, god, you can't be me and still be that naive. She uses it to please herself." "Oh... I use my fingers." "Yeah, me too." "Me three." "What? Don't look at me that way, I never do that." Dead silence. "Well... once in the hospital and... well... when Third Impact was occurring and..." "We get the picture, Shinji." "Damn, why didn't you put out for him more, Rei?" "I tried too, but he never took the hints." "Hints?" "Like the time when my former self 'accidentally' walked out of the shower stark naked?" "That was a set up?" "Well... I was curious what sex was like." "Oh..." "And the time we tested the Evas in the buff." "That was your idea?" "Yes." "Asuka was pretty pissed." "I had no idea she wasn't a natural redhead." "Really? Ours is." "I guess I used the wrong color when drawing Asuka's pubic hair." Laughter. Sighs. Snores. "Someone kick Shinji to wake him up." "Ow!!" Snores. "The other Shinji." "Oh." "Ow!!" Snores. "The other Shinji in Rei's body." "Ow!! Wha'cha you do that for?" "This is no time to sleep, we have to... ow!! Wha'cha do that for? Rei's the one who kicked you." "Because I won't kick my own body, so I'll kick you instead." "What an idiot you are... this is your body!" "Not my real body..." "Oh, there you go again, Mr. 'I'm-the original-Shinji,-you're-just-the-sixth-hundred-and-sixty-sixth-pale-imitatio n-of-me'. That's getting kind of old, jerk." "Actually, you're Shinji number six hundred and sixty seven, since there was no Shinji zero." "Um... thank you for clearing that up, Rei." "Rei three, actually." "Right." "That makes me Rei six hundred and sixty-nine. Say... since I'm in Shinji's body, we could try a little experiment." Gulps. "I'm not going to suck my own cock!!" "Well, I was thinking of a four way... actually." "Wouldn't that be a one-thirty-eight?" "Yeah, that's a good word for it. So, shall we?" "Okay." "Well..." "No!!" "Please?" "Well..." One very disturbing attempt at a four-way later, the Rei in Shinji's body frowned. "Why is my penis smaller than my Shinji's?" "That's because this Shinji suffers from a penis inferiority complex and wanted to have a bigger penis when he drew your Shinji." "Rei!! I... um... well... it was an accident. I just drew it a little bigger on the storyboard." Sounds of two oak tress being squeezed. "I don't see any reason for you to be embarrassed, Shinji. Your own penis is very nice." "Will you stop squeezing yourself?!" "Why, it's my penis now." "Only temporarily, I want it back in it's original condition!" "What are you horny bastards up to?" "Hi, Asuka." "Gee, don't sound so excited to see me, why don'cha." "It's just that we were trying to get the two Shinjis to agree to some sex." Sound of Asuka's jaw dropping open. "Why are you here, Asuka?" "That woman who put you two piecemeal people back together wants you to come over so she can see what she can do about your brains." "Alright!!" "Damn, I was just starting to get used to having a penis." -E- -V- -A- Misato and Asuka stood nearby as Yui poked, prodded, and groped Shinji and Rei's bodies, all four of them. "Hmmm..." "Well?" Yui looked behind Shinji's left ear. "Hmmmm..." "Well?" Yui Looked at Rei's belly button. "Ahhh..." "Well?" Yui twisted the other Rei's nipple. "That seems to be in order." "Well?" Yui yanked on Shinji's penis. "That shouldn't happen," she muttered as she looked at the detached penis on her hand. "Hey, put that back on my body!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted. It was his penis, after all. Used to be, at least. "Hold your horses," Yui said before popping the penis into her mouth. "Ack!!" After sucking on the penis for a bit, Yui pulled the rock hard appendage out of her mouth and twisted it onto Rei in Shinji's body's crotch. "There, that should hold better now." "What does it feel like to have your mother suck your penis, Shinji?" Asuka asked, poking the Shinji in Rei's body in his/her ribs. "You're just jealous." Asuka smirked. "I sucked it many times when I had it." "That's sick!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted just before Yui pulled the top of his/her skull off. "Hmmmm..." Yui muttered as she prodded Shinji's brain with her finger. The Shinji in Rei's body giggled. "Hey, that tickles!" "Really?" Yui frowned. "Brains aren't usually ticklish. Maybe I put some of your foot cells in your brain." After replacing the skull and the skin covering it, she bent down and lifted the foot on Rei's body. Tickling the bottom, she asked, "How does that feel?" "It is a most logical feeling." Yui sighed. "Yeah, looks like I mixed up about a couple hundred nerve receptors there." She sighed. "Well, it's not that important." "Not important?" the Shinji in Rei's body shouted, stomping his/her foot on the theater floor. He/she stared in amazement as the bottom of his/her right leg detached at the knee and toppled sideways to the floor. "What the..." 'Oh my..." Yui bent down and picked up the detached limb. "You've got to be more careful." She tried to reattach the limb, but Shinji's hopping around to keep his/her balance prevented her. "Ms. Katsuragi can you please hold Shinji still so I can reattach this leg?" "I'll help!" Rei in Shinji's body said and grabbed the shoulder that she/he used to call her/his own. "Ahhjhhh!!" she/he gasped as her/his right arm separated midway up her/his forearm. Like Shinji's leg, no blood emerged from the severed limb, but the bone and muscle tissue could be seen clearly. "Oh my... you have to be careful too. These bodies are only held together with spit, after all." "What?!" The others in the theater chorused together. Misato was so amazed, she let go of Shinji in Rei's body causing him/her to tip over and fall to the ground, breaking his/her left arm and right breast off in the process. "Shinji's going all to pieces," Asuka remarked as she picked up the breast. "Hmmm... no implants here." Yui sighed and looked at the muscles and tendons sticking out of the severed leg she held. "If only I had some nano-bots to use instead of spit." -E- -V- -A- The residents of the theater all sat around in a circle. Yui had her two reassembled patients on either side of her, while the other Shinji and Rei were kneeling by their counterparts. Asuka and Misato completed the circle. "So you both have to be more careful with your bodies or they'll fall apart again," Yui finished her scolding. "This is not fair!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted and started to punch his/her fist into the floor, but stopped before doing it and breaking his/her arm off. "Good. You have to learn to control your actions." The Rei in Shinji's body flexed her fingers and said something unmentionable. And you know it has to be REALLY bad not to be mentionable in this story. "And watch your language." "Sorry, Mrs. Ikari." The other Rei turned towards Misato. "Mom, what does..." Misato slapped her hand over her daughter's mouth. Asuka frowned and looked between the two Rei bodies and Yui. "Hmmmm..." She stood up and walked over to the two Rei bodies. After staring at each in turn she looked closely at Yui. "Ha! I knew it!" She turned towards Misato. "Hey, Misato?" "Yes?" Misato responded, confused at Asuka's attitude. "Rei's not really your daughter." Gasps resonated amongst many of the people assembled there, most of all from Rei herself. "What... what do you mean?" Misato asked, aghast. She glanced at Rei, but couldn't hold her gaze on the girl she had thought a part of her. "I think she lied about the whole they-impregnated-you-with-material-from-Adam-and-ripped-out-your-womb-that-c ontained-me-and-thousands-more-mes thing." Asuka pointed at Rei and then Yui. "Look at the Reis and Mrs. Ikari... their faces are the same." Misato looked between the Reis and Yui and gasped when she finally noticed the resemblance. "No..." she gasped and looked at Rei. "Rei, how could you deceive me like that!" "I didn't," Rei insisted. "If you just wanted to be comforted or to needed me to be there for you, you should have just said so." Misato started to shake as a feeling of betrayal spread through her. "But to lie about being my daughter." "I am your daughter! I know I am..." Doubt crossed Rei's face. "At least that's what the records indicated." She looked between Misato, her other body, and Mrs. Ikari. "But..." Yui interrupted. "Rei is quite right, she was part of the original plan for Second Impact and was produced using your eggs and material from Adam." She looked at Misato. "I was the one who insisted they remove your womb." Misato glared at the older woman. "Gee... thanks." "They originally intended to leave your womb in place as they force grew it and the thousands of First Children within," Yui explained and then made her point perfectly clear by saying, "You wouldn't have survived the birth." Misato gulped. "So that means..." She looked at Rei. "Sorry, I doubted you." Rei wiped a tear out of her eye. "That's okay, Mother." Asuka shook her head. "I don't buy it! Why do they look so much like you, Mrs. Ikari?" Yui sighed. "Well, that's a long story about my husband's twisted little mind." "Oh, we already know he's a sick, twisted bastard," Asuka remarked, earning nods from all the others. Yui smiled. "Oh, good, If you know that already, that'll make this a real short story then." -E- -V- -A- A four-year-old Shinji stared at the huge, humanoid form behind the plate glass window in awe. He stretched out his arms and clapped as the form raised its arm. Suddenly, the ambient lighting turned red and alarm horns started sounding. In front of the glass, little Shinji's eyes widened as the humanoid form bellowed and growled like a lion forced to sit though endless showings of the WB version of Cardcaptors. Although held in place by various harnesses and clamps, the figure thrashed around, breaking the ridiculously flimsy restraints. Little Shinji just stared at the figure as technicians panicked behind him. "Oh my god! Her sync ratio is at four hundred percent!!" "That's impossible!" "Sever the interface!!" "No response!" "Damn, I should have insisted we wait until the full entry plug system was ready." "Look!!" "Oh my god, it's full of stars!" "No, not the movie on HBO, look at Unit One!" Before the technicians' eyes and--more importantly--little Shinji's eyes, the blob-like figure started to reshape itself. White flesh started to drip off the figure as it grew thinner and took on a more human appearance. One particular human. Little Shinji reached out as he recognized the breasts that formed on the figure. "Mommy!!" He put his mouth to the glass and made sucking motions. Fond memories of breast feeding danced in his head. Then the head formed. At first it was the loving image of his mother. "Ma... ma..." Then the face screamed and inhuman roar. The flesh bubbled and distorted into a horrible parody of a human being. Shinji stumbled backwards and screamed. -E- -V- -A- "Your mother won't be coming home ever again, Shinji." Little Shinji sobbed into his favorite stuffed doll, Mr. Oak Tree. "There... there," the redheaded woman said. "But your daddy will be home soon." Little Shinji started to cry even more. -E- -V- -A- Gendou Ikari sobbed into all that was left of his wife, a simple dress and lab coat that she had been wearing during the activation test. "Yui..." In a large tank beside him, hundreds of small forms--about the size of a four-year old girl--floated. Although they had four limbs and a protrusion when a human head would have been. Its body was a pudgy mass of pale gray flesh, not unlike the Pillsbury Doughboy. The figures floated in the LCL like they had since their 'birth' four years earlier. "Yui!!" Gendou shouted. "Why... why did you have to be the one to test that monster!!" He banged on the glass tank. "Why not Kyoko or that womb-less brat of that pain-in-the-ass Katsuragi. Naoko or her brat, even... they're all expendable. But not you, Yui!!" He pounded on the glass again. A heartbeat. Gendou flinched. "Yui?" Another heartbeat. Gendou looked at the faceless blobs and put his hand against the glass. "If only I could see your face again, Yui." A heartbeat from the nearest blob caused ripples to spread away from its shrinking body and intersect with the other blobs, which also started grown thinner and start to take on human proportions. Or, to be more exact, the proportions of a four-year-old female child. "What the..." As one, the figures all turned their little head towards Gendou and each of them smiled an eerie little smile. "Yui!!" Gendou shouted as he recognized the face that formed on the little girl's face directly in front of him. Before long, that face was repeated on all of the hundreds of forms that floated in the gestation tank location in the Gehirn laboratory on the outskirts of the ruins of old Tokyo. -E- -V- -A- "Gendou Ikari, why have you chosen a form for the First Children located in Tokyo?" Gendou stood naked before the half-dozen iMacs setup in the back room of the Gehirn laboratory. Each had a web camera attached to the top of it, which matched the color of the main unit. All the screens had a message on them that read 'Voice only - Gehirn' plus a one-digit number. "Um... sorry." Gendou shrugged, causing his penis and testicles to bounce. Retching sounds were heard from five of the iMacs. "Can you do that again?" asked a male voice from the sixth. Gendou frowned, but shrugged again. 'Gehirn Six' giggled from his blueberry iMac. "It was a mistake. Somehow the proto-forms chose their final appearance based on my feelings at the time." "Just be thankful we have the other proto-forms in the other Gehirn facilities already and they are still in their primordial form, or we'd remove you permanently from the project." "Yes, Sir." Gendou paused long enough to make it seem like he was being subservient to the iMacs. "If I may... there may be a use for the First Children in its new form." Gehirn Two spoke from his salmon pink iMac. "We forbid you to use the First Children in some sort of sick, perverted sexual fantasy to replace your lost wife." Gendou thought fast. "That's not what I meant!" "Then what?' Gendou thought faster. "In addition to the First Children's role in the Human Instrumentality Project, if one is given the spare soul we have and activated we may have our first pilot by the time the Evangelions are ready." The iMacs' screen savers came on and little flying oak trees flew across the screens for several moments. Without warning, the screens of Gehirn Two through Six shut down and Gehirn One's voice was heard from its moss green iMac. "Very well. Submit a full proposal in triplicate to endoftheworld@yahoo.com." Gendou opened his mouth to speak, but Gehirn One shut down before he could. "Well, that'll keep the bastards happy until my plans can be realized." He looked back at the little four-year-old girl waiting stiffly by the door to the storeroom. "Until OUR plans are realized." He started to walk towards the door. "Come on, Rei, we have work to do." The girl spread her legs. "No... that's not what I meant." -E- -V- -A- "So..." Rei in her third body tried to digest what Yui had just told everyone in the theater. "My body and face were formed due to a grief induced psychopathic episode that Commander Ikari experienced after you were absorbed by Unit One during a phase zero compatibility test?" "Right." "I just don't get it," the Shinji in Rei's body said, shaking his head. Yui sighed and dumbed it down a bit. "Gendou went nuts and the unformed First Children took on the form of the woman that he loved more than that tramp Naoko." She smiled. "Me!" The Shinji in Rei's body scratched his head. "But... but... he was sleeping with Ms. Akagi." "Yeah, I know." Yui sighed. "He used to do it in Unit One's entry plug with that tramp just so he could make believe he was doing me." As memories of sticky entry plug controls resurfaced in his mind, the Shinji in Rei's body screamed. Loudly. -E- -V- -A- "So now that we know why Rei looks as dorky as she does..." "Shut up, Asuka!!" two Reis, two Shinjis, and a single Yui all shouted at Asuka. Asuka mumbled something about no one being able to take a joke and then spoke again. "So what do we do about the mixed up brains in these two." She pointed at the reassembled Shinji and Rei. Yui looked thoughtfully at her two patients. "Well, we could kill this Shinji and put the other's Shinji's brain in the non-damaged Shinji's body." "What?! " the others all snapped, amazed. "And dispose of the damaged Rei, of course." Yui finally saw the incredulous looks on the others. "What? It's not as if they are real." her eyes darted slightly towards Misato and Asuka. The Shinji from world six-six-six backed away from Yui, pulling the Rei in Shinji's body with him to protect her/him. He only ended up with just her/his hand in the process. "Sorry," he said, handing Rei's hand back to her/him. "I won't let you do that to... either of them!!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted. Yui sighed. "Fine... fine..." She thought some more and then indicated her new plan. "I could probably graft the heads of the damaged bodies onto the good bodies." Mental images of two headed Reis and Shinjis danced in everyone's heads, except Asuka. Her mental image included four heads on Shinji. Two above and two below. "Could you..." Asuka began. "No," Yui interrupted. "There wouldn't be enough blood to support two penises." Asuka grumbled something that was probably not very flattering about Yui or Shinji. The Rei in Shinji's body looked at Shinji's groin and then at the penis hanging from her own groin. "Whatever you do, could I keep this one?" "No!! It's mine!" the Shinji in Rei's body insisted. "Now, Shinji, you've got to share your toys with others," Yui reprimanded him. Shinji smirked with Rei's mouth. "Oh... I'll share it with her." "Hey!" the Shinji in his own body blurted. "That's my Rei, get your own!!" The Shinji in Rei's body frowned and looked confused. "I've got my own Rei." "Oh yeah." Shinji looked similarly confused, just without having breasts that bounced when he frowned. He turned to Yui. "I don't think that two headed idea will work, Mom." Yui shook her head. "I've told you many times that I'm not you mother, so stop calling me that." Shinji rolled his eyes, but Yui ignored him and made another suggestion. "Oh well... what if I..." Or started to. "No four headed Shinji-Rei-Rei-Shinji either," Misato quickly cut off the older woman. Yui glared at Misato briefly, as if she had heard Misato's internal comment. Then without bashing Misato's head in, she gave another suggestion. "Well then... the only choice left is to merge the memories of the two Shinjis and two Reis. Since there's only two good bodies, one real soul, and one artificial one between the four of you, that is about the only way to preserve what makes them-" She looked at both residents of world six-six-six. "-them." "Can you do that?" Misato asked as the Shinjis and Reis all looked around with renewed hope and apprehension. "Yes, it's just a simple download and then you kill and dismember the old shells." "Oh, can I help with the last part?" Asuka asked, pleadingly. "No, you can't have the left over penis, Asuka." "Awwww crap." -E- -V- -A- "Are you sure this is the only way?" one of the Shinjis asked. Yui nodded. "What will happen to... ME?" the other Shinji asked. "You will still be you, but with the memories of another you." "And me?" "You'll have the other Rei's memories; both good and bad." The Rei in Shinji's body frowned. "Can't be any worse than the hell I went through growing up." "I was kept in a tank filled with a very boring gelatinous liquid most of the time," the other Rei remarked. "Bummer." "Yes, and the liquid told real lame jokes too." "So, should we do it?" the Shinji in Rei's body asked. The four of them just stared at each other, their faces betraying their uncertainty over the procedure that Yui had described in detail using a twelve hundred slide Microsoft PowerPoint presentation. After several seconds of nothing but silent glances passing between their faces, one of their faces fell off and made a squelching sound on the floor. The brain belonging to Rei that was in Shinji's faceless skull looked down at the pile of flesh. "Aammm... I thaank wee shhhod doo it." The others agreed after Rei's left breast fell off the Shinji in Rei's body and bounced across the floor until it stopped and wiggled around like a lump of jelly molded in the form of a breast. Breast-shaped jelly molds are for sale at www.hentaifoodtosuckon.com. -E- -V- -A- "This may be very painful," Yui remarked as she grabbed Rei's crotch. Rei shook her head casually. "That's okay, I have a high tolerance for pain and I'm sure I can han.... argggggggggghhhhh!!!" Rei dropped to her knees and clutched her throbbing, wet pussy. "Shit, that really hurt!!" The others in the theater all gulped. If it had been the Rei from world six-six-six, they might not have been amazed at the filthy language that had emerged from Rei's mouth. But hearing that sort of language from Rei three was so unusual they knew it must have been an extremely painful experience. Yui looked down at the fig leaf she had just torn from Rei's privates. "Sorry, but I really can't begin the procedure until we remove these from such sensitive nerve bundles. It would probably make her a sex-crazed slut if... I..." She trailed off as she looked at the Rei in Shinji's body. "Um... well, it would affect the merger of the brains if I left them on such sensitive spots." She took a step forward and reached for the fig leaf on Rei's right breast. "This will probably hurt even more." She was right. -E- -V- -A- One gross, disgusting, and unnecessarily gory operation later, two brainless bodies lay on the theater floor near the non-damaged Rei and Shinji bodies, which were standing upright with their eyes open. Instead of their normal pupils, 'out to lunch' was displayed in their eyeballs. Rei's body had fig leaf shaped welts on her three most recognizably female body parts. Asuka was in one of the theater's corners playing with the left over penis, which the others had finally given up trying to keep away from her after she hid it in a place no one would touch for a million dollars. The readers are free to use their own sick little imaginations what that playing consists of and where she hid the penis. Please wipe the vomit, drool, blood, or other bodily fluid up after you're done. Misato was hovering over her daughter, watching Yui's every move as the older woman pushed the last of Shinji's brain into the other Shinji's brain. "Somehow I thought the procedure would be more complicated," she remarked. Yui pulled her finger out of Shinji's ear and then wiped the bits of gray matter left on her hands off on her robe. "What do you think this is, some sort of operating room? I had to make do with what I had available to me. The cells of the two brains will merge and the memories of both will become one... probably." "Probably?" Misato asked, looking worriedly at her daughter. Yui stuck a finger in both of her patients' ears. "Well, there's a slight chance their dual memories will drive them insane and they'll start hacking up the rest of us." She started to hum the tune to 'Fly Me to the Moon'. "What?" Misato gasped, unconsciously taking a step backwards. "I said it was just a slight chance. There's a slightly better chance it'll work out fine and both of them will be able to handle their new memories." "So what's the most likely outcome?" "They'll have the mental capacity of a Seele committee member." Misato's eyes grew wide in terror. "Oh my god... no!! Not my daughter!!" Ignoring the danger of being hacked up into tiny little pieces, she reached out and took her daughter's hand and prayed for the first time since just before her father died. And we all know how well THAT turned out. Yui started to hum the human activation tune again and twisted her fingers in her two patients' ears. Shinji's eyes started to roll like a slot machine. "Ping!" he shouted suddenly and his eyes flickered and displayed 'brainOS 9.4b2'. Several seconds later, his brain blue-screened. "Oh crap..." Yui muttered and gave Shinji a three-fingered salute. The reboot sequence involved sticking her fingers up his nostrils and up one more orifice, which will remain nameless. "Ewwww..." Misato said as Yui shoved her finger up Shinji's anus. Okay, so it's not nameless anymore. A blood-curdling scream was heard. Even though it sounded like a little girl screaming, it didn't come from Shinji. Rei dropped to her knees and grabbed her head as memories of four lives tried to coexist. Three of those lives were used to it; the fourth was not. "Rei!" Misato yelled and wrapped her arms protectively around her daughter. "It'll be alright, just be strong." "Liquid... all around me..." Rei gasped. "No... don't touch me there!" She shuddered. "Unit Zero is... myself..." A trickle of blood dripped from her nose. "Damn, that guy's a stud!!" Misato shook Rei violently. "Rei! Rei! Snap out of it!!" Rei blinked several times and then looked vacantly into Misato's eyes. "Are you alright?" Misato asked with a tone that could only come from a mother. "Yes, I think so'" Rei nodded. "I'm fine-" She paused, as if searching her memories for the proper term. "I'm fine, Mother." Something inside her remembered Misato as her teacher and commander during battle, but 'Mother' felt better. Misato smiled. "Shinji?" Rei asked as she turned towards her co-brain squeeze. "Cardcaptors is better than the original show." Misato and Rei's jaws dropped. "Fox Kids really knows how to make good shows out of great shows." Yui sighed. "Of course he's a samurai, he carries a sword!!" Yui looked away from the nonsense spewing Shinji. "Well, one out of two not going insane isn't that bad considering the conditions I had to operate under." "Oh, Shinji!!" Rei cried out as she jumped over and embraced Shinji. "What's wrong with him?" "He's a moron," Yui said softly. "Yeah, yeah... we've always known that, but what's wrong with him now?" Asuka asked as she walked over, a strange limp noticeable in her stride. Yui ignored the slam to Shinji's mental capacity--either because she agreed with it or she didn't get Asuka's put down--and explained further. "The two sets of memories couldn't handle being joined, so he went stark, raving mad." "Oh..." A mischievous smile appeared on Asuka's face. "In that case, Rei won't want him any more." She grabbed Shinji's hand and pulled "So I'll take him." Rei jumped forward and grabbed Shinji's other hand. "No, I love him; moron or not." "I love my daddy!" Shinji said and then tried to touch his nose with the tip of his tongue. "Oh my. He's even worse than I thought," Yui said and looked sadly at the floor. -E- -V- -A- The theater according to Shinji: All the worlds are naught but a theater and we are but actors in a real lame play. [End - Garden of EVA 2:9 - The Theater Blows!!] ======================================================================= Author's notes/ramblings: Still not the end... I'd like to thank my pre-readers Jiro Maeda, Olesh Hotra, Tanya Acojedo, and Michael A. Chase for helping me find and fix problems with this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault. Revision 0.0 - Initial draft began (November 28, 2000) Revision 0.1 - Initial draft completed (January 26, 2001) Revision 0.3 - Pre-reader draft (January 28, 2001) Revision 1.0 - Final version (February 22, 2001) Revision 1.1 - First RAAC posting (March 7, 2001)