From: monica@pipeline.com (Monica Shin)

Kaworu and Shinji are just too cute in my mind... ^_^ So that's what
I'm going to write about, obviously. I wrote this after watching
episode 24 four times in a row one October '97 week.... Obviously,
this was before I saw the movies. ^_^;; More of a poem/fic than
anything else... C&C to monica@pipeline.com, please.

Monica Shin
1/99


Darkness in the Cold: By Monica Shin

I stare into the water. In the red light of the sunset, it is dark
blood and wine -- shadows of a past that can never be erased.

        And I wish.

Climbing the rocks to where he had been, the first time I'd seen him
in the dusk, I sit. Staring out into the red glare of the sky.

        Longing. Hoping.

No one is here. No one is ever here, now that the buildings have been
destroyed and the people evacuated. Leaving only me to know. 

        Mourning. Wanting.

You were the first to ever say those words to me. Simple words, but
you were the first. In my heart, the pain that never leaves
intensifies.

        Betrayal. 

There had been such utter pain in my heart and soul when I thought
that you had used me like everyone else had. In that blind flash of
realization, I think I hated you as much as I hate my father.
Except...

        I never truly hated you.

You. Both of you. Neither of you. I don't... I want both of you to
like me. Approve of me. Tell me those words that only one of you did.

        I love you.

Smiling, happy. So wise, and yet so careless. I watch the sun set as I
remember my impressions of you, Kaworu-kun. Philosopher and child, you
told me too much. You knew too much. 

        And I knew.

You betrayed me by being an Angel. But you didn't. Somehow, in my
heart, I had already known that you weren't right. That you didn't
fit. That you wouldn't be able to stay.

        Home. 

Did you envy me for my being able to go home? For being able to say
that I didn't feel like going back? You had no place on a world with
humans. 

        You threw away immortality.

You gave it to me, your life. One convulsion of my hand, and you were
no more. A being that could have -- that should have been shining
forever. Instead, nothing more than blood and meat. 

        Gone. 

Into the mists that you had come from, you disappeared. No sign, no
trace that you had ever existed. 

        Except in me.

A light in my life for a too-short space. Your smile gentle,
forgiving. Undemanding. Loving. 

        Obliterated.

I throw a rock into the water-filled devastation, causing ripples and
disturbances all along the smooth surface. Breaking up the reflection
of the sun on the water and the rocks along the shore. I shatter into
tiny bits of me.

        Glass heart.

I stand from my perch, and walk down slowly. Deliberately. The sun has
already set, making the waters black as the night surrounding it.
Broken buildings casting ominous shades all around. 

        Nothing but the darkness.

Human hearts feel pain -- that is why it hurts to live. But humans can
forget, which is why they can live. But what happens when you can't
forget the loss?

        Nothing but the desire.

I walk to the edge of the still lake. For a moment, I stare at it,
before I step into it. One foot at a time, until I am up to my neck.
Only one step more. Only one.

        Live.

The desire to exist. To be. To become more than what you are. Why do I
have that? Why didn't you?

        The numbing chill of water all around. Ice.

If I stay in here long enough, would that warm hand touch mine again?
That soft touch of lips on lips as you kissed me in the sultry heat of
the bath. One stolen moment with others that I will always remember.

        Sweetness. Heat.

I sigh and shake my head. Slowly, I step out of the lake, and shiver
in the night. I can go home. I have one.

        Kaworu-kun.

You could have had a place with me. If you had wanted more than
oblivion. If you hadn't had to sacrifice yourself for us. People.
Mortals. Insignificant beings who hate and kill and...

        Touch.

I avoid contact -- feeling anything for people. And yet. How did you
break through all of the shields with just one smile, one word, one
sensation of warmth and kindness?

        Chill.

I shiver again as the wind picks up, and decide to go back home. But I
turn again to that crater of devastation and disaster, now filled with
too-cold water. 

        Just one more look.
        
Was it love? Did you even know it? I don't know. 

        I have no answers anymore. I wish I did. 

But I waited for you that day, for no reason. I invited myself over to
your room for no reason. When you smiled at me, I blushed, for no
reason. Reason had nothing to do with why I stayed that night. 

        You needn't have come down onto the floor to me. 

Sweetness and pure need. Sensation and pleasure merely for feeling,
for being. I think I cried at the end. 

        A single tear.

And another one matches it down my cheeks as I turn from the
bittersweet memories, and go back to where I should be. 

        True memories can never be broken.

I'll be back, Kaworu-kun. I'll play for you another night. You never
did hear me on the cello, did you? I would have liked for you to have
heard me once.

        If only.

I would have liked to do a lot of things with you. 

        If only.

Kaworu-kun. Say hello to my mother if you see her. Please.

        See you later, Kaworu-kun.

        Kaworu.

        Love.

---Finis---