From: eltf@hotmail.com (Eliot Lefebvre)
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Neon Epoch Evangelion: Episode 13
X-Original-Date: 11 Nov 2002 06:36:00 -0800

Destrado impulses appearing in the pre-story warning:

This fanfic is an original take on GAINAX's "Shin Seiki Evangelion."
It contains alternative characters, plots, and a different overriding
internal logic.  It is intended, from the beginning, to be different.
This includes different Children and different histories.  In short: if 
the mere thought of someone other than Shinji in the cockpit of EVA-01 
makes you queasy, you are in -entirely- the wrong place.  Any and all 
flames stemming from this alteration will be mocked mercilessly.  You 
have been warned.

If you haven't visited Lostfactor.net lately, you missed out on a new 
layout... but lucky for you, that same layout is still present on the 
NEE page.  So head over there and enjoy it.  Seriously.  Enjoy it.  Why 
aren't you enjoying it yet?

Posting of the episodes should still be on time the week of 
Thanksgiving - I'm still online on that Monday.  There might be a brief 
pause coming up, however.  Watch this space.

                                  ]++[

               ]+ ELECTRONIC TRANSCENDENCE PRODUCTIONS +[
                                presents

                         ]+ NEON       EPOCH +[
                   ]+ E  V  A  N  G  E  L  I  O  N +[

              ]+ EPISODE 13:  QUESTIONS OF THE FAITHFUL +[

                     By Eliot "Lostfactor" Lefebvre

             Based off of "Shin Seiki Evangelion" by GAINAX

                                  ]++[

So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!"
But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put
my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will
not believe it."
- JOHN 20:25

                                  ]++[

Misato Katsuragi knew, in the back of her mind, that she was dreaming.
That knowledge, however, did nothing to alleviate the oppressive terror
of the cold gray room that she'd been placed in after her escape pod
from Antarctica had washed ashore, feeling just as cold and hostile
even though it was only a construct of her dream.  She still remembered
the vicious appearance of the black-suited men that had confronted her
afterwards vividly, as though it had all happened yesterday.  Her mind
had amplified everything for the purposes of the dream, naturally, and
the men themselves were little more than misty shadows with glints of
reflected light for eyes, the room a tomblike place as she sat on a
small chair, the only proof to her that she had grown at all the fact
that she was sitting fully-grown, wearing her red jacket from NERV over
the single-piece nightgown she'd washed ashore in.

"You are Misato Katsuragi, daughter of the Professor Katsuragi in
Antarctica at the time."  It was not in any way a question, and the
shadowy mass that passed for one of them men didn't seem to move at all
from the effort of speaking.  "You are the only survivor of the
incident."

"Father didn't make it?" she asked, surprised to find that she had
control over what she did and said.  The dream came irregularly, but
this was the first time that she could remember being even partially in
control of her words.  It felt as though there was someone else peering
over her shoulder, whispering into her ear what she should say and do,
but it was still less than the abject obedience that her dreams usually
inflicted on her.

"No," replied the shadow, the cloak of darkness that seemed to hang
around everything around it shifting ever so slightly, like a sheet
moved over a stack of hidden objects.  "All of the scientists on the
Katsuragi expedition perished during the impact.  We will require
testing to make sure that you are fit to continue living among humans."

"What will you tell people?" she asked, feeling oddly calm, almost
reassured by the knowledge that she was dreaming.  The dream could give
her no new information, and she knew that, knew that at best all it
could do was organize her thoughts.  "You're planning to lie, aren't
you?"

"People will be told that a meteor hit the South Pole," replied the
same mass of shadows, the voice fluctuating slightly as it echoed
within the recesses of Misato's unconscious mind.  "It's what they want
to believe.  We won't have to try very hard to keep the truth
obscured."  There was a pause, then a thin white line traced across
where the shadow's mouth would be, the smile sinister and arrogant.
"People want to believe whatever is most convenient.  Nobody will even
suggest that it had anything to do with the expedition's research."

Misato shook her head.  "Someone will find out.  The First and Second
Angels are floating in the ocean, simply begging to be discovered.  And
I saw my father examining the First, saw the wonder with which he
stared at the monster."  She paused for a moment, sinking her head
slightly.  "You can't control the truth like that."

"We won't.  People will control the truth for us.  They'll ignore
people who tell them the truth they don't want to hear."  The smile
widened until the shadow's face seemed to engulf the room, mocking
Misato as though she truly was a child once again.  "What will you do?
Scream at the top of your lungs that it was the Angels that caused the
Second Impact?  That your purpose is to prevent Third Impact?  Everyone
would call you crazy and refuse to listen."

"So you will lie," replied Misato, trying to remain calm, reminding
herself that it was merely a dream, that as long as she didn't allow
herslf to feel terrified at the horrific black grin looming over her
that it wasn't a nightmare.  "But what are you going to do with the
Angels?  If people see them, they'll realize that something's not right
with your story."

The grin seemed to widen, then lurched towards Misato, the mouth
opening slowly.  "Don't worry.  We've got our uses for them, too."  The
mouth moved in around Misato, and she suddenly felt herself pass
through the lips of the horrible shadow, unable to keep from screaming
any longer.  "We've got our plans for the first two Angels, and we plan
to have you help us."

                                  ]++[

A cold sweat was soaking through the fabric of her sheets as Misato
woke the next morning, her long purple hair tangled in a mess around
her head and neck as her eyes slowly fluttered open, a wad of coarse
hair wedged in her mouth.  "No wonder I felt like I was choking," she
muttered, spitting the hair out of her mouth as she pulled her arms out
from the tangle of the sheets, trying to pull her hair out of the
various knots that it had contorted itself into as she rose slowly from
her futon.  Her thin blue nightgown had pulled itself almost straight
off of her, something she almost didn't notice as she stumbled towards
the door of her darkened room, only barely catching a glimpse of
herself in the mirror before realizing that she would be giving Nieve
and Neil far more of a view than she would have wanted.

Blushing involuntarily, she yanked the nightgown back to where it was
supposed to be, closing her eyes for a moment and letting the tingling
darkness of sleep spread over her for one last moment before she opened
her eyes once again.  She'd already thrown her sheets over the small
red alarm clock in one corner of the horribly disorganized room, but
she was certain that she'd gotten up on time, knowing that she'd been
getting up at the same time for years, still fighting the clock every
single morning as though sooner or later one of them would make some
gains in the battle.  Yawning loudly, she opened her door and stepped
into the living room, doubting that Nieve or Neil would even be up yet.

It was a testament to her reflexes that Misato didn't immediately fall
over upon the sudden shift of light from the darkness of her room to
the brightly-lit living room, a fact that was lost on her as she
stumbled backwards and clutched the doorframe, light seeming to explode
across her field of vision like a spray of water.  Her eyes were closed
tightly, but still the light assaulted her, pain echoing back from her
eyes as her pupils struggled to close fast enough to dull the pain, the
light penetrating through the back of her eyes slowly coming to a stop
as she felt herself slump to the floor.  It was a diorienting
sensation, and she had to blink a few times once her sense of sight
returned, the light still glaring harsh in her eyes.

"This is awfully bright for early morning," she muttered to herself, a
troublesome thought beginning to surface in the back of her head.
Pulling herself to her feet, she shook her head, letting her eyes
adjust fully to the yellow-white glare from the sun, then turned and
glanced towards the kitchen, eyes widening as she stared.  Both Neil
and Nieve were sitting at the table calmly having breakfast, still in
their pajamas as they leaned over the wooden table calmly.  Neither of
them seemed to notice them, and as the harsh glow of light began to
fade into the usual yellowish color of the walls, Misato began to have
a creeping suspicion about what was going on.

Neil heard the sound of Misato's footsteps first, his head turning down
the hall a second before Nieve even noticed that he had moved.  Misato
could see that there was something just behind the surface of the boy's
eyes, but she couldn't tell what, and at the time she didn't
particularly care.  "What time is it?" she hissed, her voice sounding
strained, body slumped forward slightly in a posture of defeat.

"Um..."  Neil knew that the answer that he would have to give her out
of honesty was the one that she didn't want to hear, and he frowned
involuntarily, the look on her face making it very clear that the frown
was all that she needed to see.  "It's seven-thirty."  Misato paused
for only a moment, then began screaming curses in Japanese as she
turned and dashed back to her room, Neil's eyes going wide as she began
to pull her nightgown off before she'd even reached the door.  The
noise of violent crashing began to come from her room, and the boy
winced involuntarily, turning back towards the table.  "She overslept."

"Well, duh," replied Nieve somewhat curtly, brushing back a few loose
strands of her hair as she leaned forward to take a bite of cereal,
ignoring the loud noises as she ate.  "You should have heard her last
night.  She was having some kind of nightmare or something, the way
that she was screaming.  I was pretty worried for her."  She paused for
a second, biting her lip in a way that implied she knew she was about
to lie.  "I... I had to run to the bathroom, and I just happened to
hear her."  She paused.  "Female thing."

His own mind elsewhere, Neil nodded halfheartedly, staring down at the
multicolored cereal bits breaking the pure white skin of the milk in
his bowl, the memory of last night's dream unusually fresh.  Some great
white monstrosity had been approaching him somewhere deathly cold, and
even though he struggled against the thing it wouldn't stop stabbing
him with a great red spear.  He felt pain, but each stab seemed not to
kill him, only release great cascading waves of energy.  It had been
horrific, enough to wake him up nearly an hour before his usual time,
something that he was certain Nieve had seen on his face when she'd
gone in to wake him up.  His mother had always said that he had
nightmares because of how active his imagination was, but it had been
years since he'd taken most of the things that his mother told him
seriously, and -

"-Neil.-"  Nieve's voice cut through the boy's thoughts like razor
wire, and he looked towards her as innocently as possible, harshly
shocked straight out of his complacency.  She was looking at him with
obvious expectation of a response, and he nodded halfheartedly, truly
feeling somewhat left out of the loop.  "You weren't listening to a
word I said," Nieve sighed, shaking her head for a moment before
looking at the boy again, this time with a slightly harder expression
on her face.  "I asked you when you're planning on going into Central
Dogma today."

"Oh.  Sorry."  Neil shook his head, hitting the back of it in an
attempt to at least seem good-natured, trying to blot out the memories
from his nightmare.  "Just... a little worried about Misato."  His
statement was followed, conveniently enough, with another crash from
her room, this one sounding distinctly like shattering glass.  Both
Children exchanged a quick glance at the noise, then turned back to
their breakfasts.  "I don't know, really.  Probably at the same time
that Ryo's school gets out.  It feels too lonely going in for testing
all alone."

Shrugging, Nieve took another bite of cereal, once again shoving her
hair out of her face just before it drifted into the perfect white milk
of the cereal bowl.  "I've gotten used to it," she replied, ignoring
another loud crashing noise from down the hall in Misato's room.
"Heck, I told you all about it a couple days ago.  Only Child in
Ireland, and all that."  She paused for a moment, then took another
bite of cereal, seeming rather bored with the situation.  "Funny part
is that my synch ratio has never really gone up or down, not for a
couple years now.  It kind of defeats the purpose of constant testing."

"I suppose so," replied Neil, staring into his bowl once again, mind
still drifting back to his nightmare.  It was the first time since his
first sortie with EVA-01 that he'd woken up without seeing the Eva's
single green eye staring at him, a fact that he didn't quite know what
to do with.  On the one hand, he was glad that he hadn't had to face
that particular demon once again, but on the other hand it was
something that he'd grown accustomed to, even if he didn't like it.  He
began to think further on the subject, then felt the inexplicable
pressure of Nieve's eyes on him, and he tilted his head upwards to look
at her.  "I'd rather be testing than piloting, though."

Nieve seemed to suddenly freeze, as though Neil had said something
unspeakably horrific, her expression the only thing on her body that
was moving at all as it slowly seemed to struggle between rage and
disbelief.  "What are you talking about?" she said after a moment, the
tone in her voice incomprehensible to Neil, though he knew it was the
result of him saying something wrong.  "You've managed to do amazing
things with EVA-01.  How can you say that you don't want to pilot it?"
She paused for a moment.  "Do you mean that you just don't want to
pilot it -now?-"

Looking at the girl, Neil could see that there was some sort of pain
simmering just beneath the surface of her expression, something that he
was almost certain she wouldn't be willing to talk about with him.  A
minor spike of regret drove itself through his heart, and he bit his
lower lip momentarily.  "Yeah," he replied, trying to remind himself
that he was lying for a good reason, that he wanted Nieve to be happy
and that he knew the lie would make her happier.  "That's all.  I just
really want to just have a normal day today."

A look of relief drifted across Nieve's face, and she opened her mouth
to say something before one final loud crash came from Misato's room,
this one loud enough to send minor tremors through the table and rattle
the spoons against the bowls as Nieve and Neil watched.  A moment
later, the door opened, and the woman stepped out, obviously trying to
look as composed as she could, hair done up into a bun and a small red
beret with an odd insignia sitting on her head.  "No time for a
shower," she explained as she walked over to the kitchen with
surprising speed, grabbing a bowl and spoon quickly before pouring
cereal in at the same time that she extracted the milk from the
fridge.  "The hat's part of the uniform.  I just usually don't wear
it.  Privelege of rank."

"We didn't ask," said Nieve flatly, drawing a quick glare from Misato
before the older woman finished pouring the cereal and pracitcally
throwing the milk into the bowl.  Nieve shrugged halfheartedly, then
returned to her own cereal as Misato sat down across from her.  A
moment of relative silence passed over the table, the only sound the
fairly regular noise of cereal crunching between the teeth of the three
people.  Then, placing the last spoonful of her cereal in her mouth,
Nieve chewed and swallowed quickly, turning towards Neil with a smirk
and leaning her elbows on the table as she looked at him.  "So why do
you pilot the Eva, then?"

Neil, temporarily enjoying the sugary taste of the cereal against the
relative blandness of the milk, almost didn't notice the question,
looking up after a minute simply because he felt the pressure of
Nieve's stare once again.  "Come on," she urged, shifting her chair
closer to him and grinning in her usual seductive way, eyelids lowering
just enough for her to look mischevious without looking tired.  "You
know full well why -I- pilot the thing.  What about -you-?"

"I..."  Neil paused for a moment, the question feeling oddly alien even
though he knew he should have asked himself the exact same thing.  "I
didn't have much of a choice when I arrived.  If I didn't get in EVA-
01, the entire planet would be done for thanks to the Third Angel.  I
couldn't very well tell them that I didn't want to."  He paused for a
moment.  "Then... well, I was the only pilot they had, with Ryo's
machine being repaired and everyone else -"

Sighing loudly, Nieve brought a stop to Neil's response, adding in a
quick hand gesture to make it perfectly clear that she wanted him to
stop talking.  "I didn't ask why -did- you pilot it," she replied
flatly, drawing a sidelong glance from Misato as she continued to stare
lazily at her would-be boyfriend.  "You're not the only Eva pilot
anymore, and there isn't an Angel attacking right now.  Heck, you
haven't been the only game in time for a while now.  Something must
have kept you here."  She paused, then her mischevious grin returned.
"Are you evading some other girl by staying here in Japan?"

"How many girlfriends do you think I -have-?" asked Neil somewhat
angrily, provoking only another mischevious grin from Nieve despite his
own intensity.  He sighed, then stared down at the ceral once again,
the nightmare still occupying his mind above all else, clogging up his
other thoughts with the memory of the pain and horror.  "I'm piloting
because... because..."  He stopped for a moment, then shrugged almost
idly, trying to look as though he was simply being casual, not wanting
to admit that he couldn't think.  "I don't know why."

Looking towards the red-haired girl, Neil could tell immediately that
he'd said something wrong as the same tension began to simmer again
underneath the surface of her eyes, something flashing beneath them as
she pushed her chair away from the table forcefully and grabbed her
bowl from her place.  "I'm done with my meal," she announced, sounding
just shy of being outright angry as she stepped around the table
towards the sink.  "I'll rinse off my bowl, then I'm going to take a
shower.  Anyone who runs the water while I'm in the shower will be very
sorry."

Both Neil and Misato watched as the girl stayed true to her word,
letting the blue-white pressure of the water rinse out the white
remnants of her milk, then letting her bowl and spoon clatter to the
bottom of the sink as she walked towards her room.  She walked past
Neil on her way, stretching out her hand just enough for her fingers to
brush through the back of his hair, and Neil caught the vaguest hint of
her unique scent before she had shut the door to her room forcefully.
"I said something wrong," he muttered, shaking his head, feeling guilty
for the situation and feeling worse for not being able to think more
intensely on it.

"You told the truth," replied Misato through a half-chewed mouthful of
cereal, obviously eating as fast as she could in hopes of being
slightly less late.  "You don't know why you pilot the Eva.  That's
okay.  As long as you try your best, we don't expect anythimg more."
She paused for a moment, then noticed that the clock was reading later
than she'd expected once again, and her eyes widened noticably as she
shoveled a few final bites of food into her mouth and placed the spoon
firmly into the bowl.  "I've got to run to work.  Be a dear and take
care of my dishes, okay?"

"All right," replied Neil weakly as the woman rushed out of the
apartment in a flurry of motion, slipping on her shoes and grabbing her
jacket with practiced grace, the door opening and closing as though
she'd never even touched the knob.  Neil stared after her for a moment,
then glanced down at his unfinished breakfast.  Once again, he found
himself flashing back to his dream, remembering the taste of bile in
his mouth mingling with blood as the great white monster stabbed him
over and over, and suddenly he felt distinctly not hungry.  Shoving the
bowl aside, he glanced at the door to Nieve's room, trying to figure
out the answer to her question in the back of his mind.

                                  ]++[

NERV's employee lounge was the only place in the entire facility that
had an analog clock, and as a result it was constantly filled with the
noise of the arms turning in a slow circle, the steady clicking that
had long symbolized the passage of time even after the breed of clocks
had more or less ceased to exist.  Most of NERV's staff was in utter
awe at the fact that something so ancient was being used in the
facility, and rumors about why the clock was there were almost
constantly being bantered around amongst the lower-ranking staff
members, ranging from the simply incorrect to the outright bizzare.  As
subcommander of NERV, Kozou Fuyutsuki heard all the rumors, and he
couldn't help but smile as he thought of them, staring up at the white
face of the clock as it ticked along, looking very out of place set
against the whitewashed metal walls and metallic furniture with just
enough padding to be comfortable.

"The truth just never occurs to anyone," he muttered to himself, still
smirking as he unpacked his lunch with meticulous care, content in the
emptiness of the massive room, the video monitors silent and the entire
place seeming ghostly quiet.  "Nobody ever thinks that an old man in
the administration simply happens to like the way that clocks used to
look."  He glanced up towards the white-faced timekeeper once again,
its steady beat a reassurance as he took a deep breath and began to
eat, knowing that he had to be done quickly in order to get back to
work on Ayanami.

Without warning, he heard the sound of the door to the lounge hissing
open, then the sound of clicking heels as Misato walked in, her red
jacket hanging loosely open over a black shirt, red skirt and hat
managing to complement the color scheme.  She glanced around for a
moment, holding what looked to be her own lunch in her hands, then let
her eyes rest on Fuyutsuki with a sort of sheepish grin.  "Nobody else
here," she said, stepping towards the the table almost hesitantly.
"You mind if I sit here?"

"Go right ahead," replied Kozou, still staring down at his lunch and
ignoring the woman as she sat and unpacked her own meal.  He let the
silence hang between them for a moment, the only noise the slow rustle
of paper as Misato unpacked her lunch and the steady ticking of the
clock.  At length, he shook his head gently, then stared at the woman
frankly, catching her eyes and freezing her in place.  "So what did you
come down to ask me?"

Misato seemed to freeze anew at Kozou's question, a slow red flush
seeping into her cheeks as she folded her hands in front of her.
"Nothing," she announced at length, returning to her lunch as though
nothing had happened.

"Do you think I'm senile, or just stupid?" he asked, drawing Misato's
gaze back towards him with a small expression of shock on her face.
The expression vaporized as she saw that Kozou was still smiling, but
he could see that she was trying to avoid saying something.  "You
always have lunch down in your office, because you're usually running a
few minutes late and need the extra time to catch up.  And today you
were particularly late."  The woman shifted uncomfortably in her seat,
obviously very conscious of the fact that she was sitting across from
one of her commanding officers.  "So you must have come here to ask me
something.  What?"

The woman bit her lower lip for a moment, then opened her mouth to
respond, then closed it again as her brow began to furrow, head dipping
forward slightly.  "I..."  She stopped once again, and Kozou began to
get the vaguest inkling of what she was going to ask, recalling the
same expression on numerous student's faces as they asked for
extensions on their assignments.  "When you were talking with Kaji a
couple weeks ago, I... I passed by and overheard the two of you
talking."

Kozou felt a momentary tremor of concern, but he forced it out of his
mind, reminding himself that Misato wouldn't possibly have any
connection with SEELE, that whatever she was referring to wouldn't
bring the parent organization sniffing around NERV.  "Not very polite
of you," he said at length, voice remaining fairly normal as he took
another small bite of his lunch, keeping his manner as composed as
possible.  "What did you hear."

"Enough," replied Misato, sending another small wave of panic through
the elder man with the obvious obfuscation of her response.  The woman
continued to stare down at her lunch, then looked up at Kozou rather
hashly, a single strand of her deep purple hair falling loose as she
moved her head.  "You and Kaji were talking about relationships.  Did
you..."  She stammered for a moment, as though the concept was too
horrible to speak.  "Did you know that he was seeing Ritsuko?"

Staring at the older man, Misato wanted him to say no, wanted him to
ask her why she was asking somebody like him such a question, anything
other than a simple affirmation of the fact, any excuse to believe that
it wasn't the truth.  The second the man's mouth opened, however, she
knew that he was going to confirm the fact, something that made it
unspeakably worse for reasons she couldn't place, even though she
already knew the truth.  "He told me about it," replied Kozou
hesitantly, he own head sinking down towards his lunch halfheartedly.
"That was what started our conversation, actually."

Misato's spirits sank inexplicably, as though she'd been unaware of the
situation prior.  Something about the way that the subcommander said it
simply made it feel more final, as though it was common knowledge, as
thoug Misato was being immature for not accepting it outright.  "So
it's been longer than I thought," she said at length, more out of a
sensation that she ought to say something than out of any actual need
for words.  She bit her lip, glancing down at her lunch and suddenly
not feeling particularly hungry, the white surfaces of the lounge
suddenly feeling as oppressive as the gray room of her dreams.

"It surprised me, too," offered Kozou, drawing Misato's attention away
from the walls and back towards him, staring into his eyes and sensing
something just behind their surface.  "I didn't think that Ritsuko
would be interested in somebody so..."  He paused for a moment, then
shrugged, apparently simply giving up on the difficulty in describing
Kaji adequetely.  "Someone so like Kaji."

A thought began to plant itself in the back of Misato's mind, but she
ignored it for the time being, more concerned with the issue of Kaji
than of Ritsuko.  "She doesn't seem like someone that -he'd- like,
either," replied Misato, poking weakly at the food spread out in front
of her, smelling the vagely bitter odor of her meal mingled with the
false sterility of plastic wrap.  "They got along fine in college, but
I always assumed that it was just because of the fact that I was dating
him.  I mean, Ritsuko and I..."  She paused, feeling embarassed
somewhat unexpectedly as she looked up at the commander.  "I'm sorry.
This isn't very professional of me."

Both of the two adults half-stared at one another for a few moments,
then Kozou thought to glance up at the clock, realizing with a grim
sinking sensation that he wasn't going to have time to finish his lunch
if he wanted to get back down to the lower levels of NERV.  "I have to
get going," he announced, sliding his chair back and standing with
military efficiency, ignoring the unhappy rumble from his stomach at
the knowledge that he wouldn't be eating any more until later in the
day.  "Hope I told you everything you needed to know."

"Yeah," replied Misato weakly, ignoring the former professor as he
disposed of the remnants of his meal in the nearest trash bin, her mind
entirely elsewhere even as she distantly reminded herself that she
needed to return to work as well.  The picture of Kaji and Ritsuko
together had planeted itself into her brain too firmly to be extracted
easily, and more than anything Misato wanted to go back to a time
before the two had been together.  She'd known that Kaji was something
of a womanizer - he'd had a notorious reputation before Misato started
dating him - but if she had known that something so drastic would have
happened, she wouldn't have been so nasty to the man on the ship where
they reunited.

The memory of the voyage to Japan with Nieve, Neil, and Niobe sprang
back to her mind, and she frowned simply thinking about the man's smug
assurance, his grin even a close mirror of her father's way of looking
at her.  "I didn't want him back," she snarled to herself, unsure if
she was stating fact or trying to convince herself.  "Ritsuko can have
him.  They'll probably be miserable together, and it serves them
right."  She let her voice fall silent, then stared up towards the
ceiling of the lounge, the fluorescent light shining down towards her
indifferently, something inexplicable clutching tightly within her
chest.

                                  ]++[

LCL still hung off of the plugsuit, dripping slowly to the gray steel
of the catwalk and splattering off of the spiderwebbing of metal before
falling gently into the nutrient bath below.  Neil was distantly aware
of the fact as he stared up at EVA-01, the bloody salt of the LCL still
lingering in his nostrils even as the warm and oddly comforting
nutrient bath's fragrance was trying to force its way in.  It was an
odd chorus of input to his nostrils, but Neil's sense of smell was
furthest from his mind as he looked at the head and shoulders of his
machine, deep in thought.  "Why do you pilot the Eva?" he asked
himself, Nieve's question still buried deeply in the back of his mind
as he looked towards the purple monstrosity, as if it would offer some
kind of answer.

Any hopes of such were in vain, however, as the Eva's jaw remained set
in a firm steel grimace, darkened eyes managing to look as though they
stared through Neil even without any motion, one slightly-damaged
shoulder unit still jutting upwwards on the golem's shoulder.  It was a
terrifying sight, even after nearly a month of looking at it more often
than he would have liked, and Neil sighed involuntarily, sitting
himself down and staring up at the thing's face, the same question
still in his mind.  "Do you know?" he asked almost idly, this time
directing the question towards the silent form of the Eva as it let the
waves of the nutrient bath lap slowly against it.  "Of course not.  You
don't tell me anything."  He thought of the odd whispering voice in the
back of his head, and smiled bitterly.  "Nothing coherent, anyways."

Sinking his head slightly for a moment, Neil looked back up towards the
Eva, simply staring at the thing's profile, running through the way
that he'd been piloting the machine in his mind.  He had told Nieve the
whole truth about why he'd remained a pilot at first, but she was
right - once Vash and Eiko had been chosen as pilots, he had ample
opportunity to leave, and once Nieve and Niobe showed up there were
more than enough pilots to deal with any incoming threats.  For a brief
moment, he contemplated the possibility that he'd finally found a time
to leave, that he might as well leave NERV and the Evas behind, but a
pang of guilt shot through him simply at the thought.  "But I don't
know why I pilot it, though," he muttered to himself again, sinking his
head and staring into the depths of the purple-orange fluid beneath the
catwalk.

Thinking back on the dream, he winced as he remembered the searing pain
through his chest with each stab, then recalled the way that it had
felt when the Fourth Angel had nearly given him a heart attack.  He
frowend as he thought of how painful simply acting in the machine could
be, even as he found himself thinking of his first battle in the Eva,
the way that a blood-red rage had overtaken him as he'd rushed for the
Angel, wanting nothing more than to completely destroy his opponent,
regardless of anything else.  "And I could," he muttered, thoughts
slowly coming together.  "The Evas are the most powerful weapons that
man's ever devised, aren't they?  And I'm one of the only people that
can pilot them, aren't I?"

Neil felt a tightness deep within his chest, as though something was
clawing and trying to get out, the mere thought of the power that the
Eva afforded suddenly seeming repulsive.  Drawing his knees up to his
chest, he felt a tear drift down from one eye across his cheek, hitting
the still-present LCL as it ran downwards, emotions confused only
further by the feeling of liquid coming from his eyes.  Lowering his
head into his knees as he crossed his arms across them, he took a deep
breath that came out just shy of a sob, the taste of LCL filling his
mouth and lungs once again as he pressed his face further into his
folded knees.

A footfall sounded on the catwalk, and Neil forced himself back into
some kind of composure, pulling his head loose and looking towards the
end of the catwalk with minor trepidation.  Eiko was walking towards
him, still wearing her own silver plugsuit, still fresh from the tests
as evidenced by the drips of LCL on her hair.  "Neil?" she said
tenatively, her steps slowing as she grew closer to the boy.  "Is
something wrong?  After we were done with the testing, you -"

"I'm all right," he lied, shaking his head and staring up at the Eva
once again, regretting having lied to the Japanese girl almost before
the words had passed his lips.  "I was just... admiring the machine."
He paused, trying to figure out ways to keep her deceived, feeling even
worse as his mind whirled about in a search for further deceptions.
"After all, it's been nearly a month since I started piloting this
thing.  Feels like forever, though.  That's what I was doing."

Eiko's stare fell heavy upon him, and after a moment his head sank,
more guilt rising into his head as he realized he hadn't even managed
to deceive her.  "All right, I wasn't admiring the machine per se," he
said at length, sighing heavily before looking up at EVA-01 once
again.  "I was thinking about something that Nieve had asked me this
morning.  She was trying to find out why I piloted the Eva in the first
place."

"What did you tell her?" asked Eiko, arms folding across her chest as
she shifted her position slightly and letting the catwalk clang
slightly as her foot shifted.  At the same end that she had entered
from, Nieve stepped in tenatively, the quite hiss of the door opening
covered by Eiko's shift in position.  She could see Neil and Eiko
talking, and for a moment she considered walking over to them before
she decided that she might be better served to listen in.  Flattening
herself against the doorframe, she tilted her head towards the two
other Children, trying her best to catch their words with her ear,
feeling slightly guilty for her actions but reminding herself that she
needed to sometimes do bad things for the good of others.

"At the time?  Nothing."  He stared back up at his Eva, the eyes
seeming to speak volumes to him despite their apparent lifelessness,
the hints of something vague and malicious seemingly wired into the
very essence of the purple golem.  "I didn't really know what to tell
her.  But I couldn't stop thinking about it, and..."  Neil paused
briefly, then gestured up towards the machine as he turned away from
it, the meaning obvious.  "So that's what I was trying to do.  Figure
out the answer to the question for myself."

Staring at Neil, Eiko could feel something almost tangible coming from
the boy as he stared at his machine, almost sadness but tinted with
something less savory.  It was an odd sensation, as though he was
staring into her eyes without even looking at her, at once intruiging
and distasteful.  "Did you come up with anything?" she asked, resisting
the urge to offer him a quick hug even as her arms dropped from across
her chest back to her sides.

"Maybe," replied Neil, sinking his head slightly and turning it back
towards Eiko, thinking once again on the awesome power that the Eva
offered.  He bit his lip tightly, tasting the thin residue of the LCL
that still lay upon his skin, wishing that he'd come up with something
better, something more palatable.  The thought of telling her the truth
felt repulsive, but the thought of lying to her again felt just as
repulsive, and for a moment the two disgusting feelings seemed to
battle one another out inside of him.  "I... I was thinking about how
powerful the Eva is."

He paused, then looked away, unable to keep staring at Eiko as he
spoke, instead turning his body and eyes up into the slits of the Eva's
eyes, hands involuntarily clenching and relaxing with a steady rythym.
"The Eva is supposed to be the most powerful weapon that we've got in
our arsenal.  It can destroy cities, countries, almost anything.  And
the only thing that can stop it is another Eva."  Closing his eyes,
Neil felt his fists clench fully, recalling the crimson haze of his
first battle, something in the back of his mind thirsting for it again
as he spoke of the machine's power.  "Who wouldn't want power like
that?  Who wouldn't want to be able to lay waste to everything if they
wanted to?"

Feeling a hand touch his shoulder, Neil jumped slightly before he
realized it was only Eiko, flushing slightly as he began to feel a
creeping dread crawl its way into his mind.  "That was all I came up
with," he offered with a sigh, wondering if Eiko was simply biding her
time until she could run away from him, the thought hurtful but somehow
not at all surprising.  "But I hate it.  I don't want to think that
about myself.  I want to believe that I'm a better person than that."

"You -are-," replied Eiko, her grip tightening on Neil's shoulder even
as Nieve winced at the sight.  "I've known you almost since the day
that you got here, Neil.  You've never been anything besides kind and
decent."  She paused for a moment, blushing slightly and turning her
head slightly away from the boy, her lids closing just enough to keep
Nieve's presence from registering in her peripheral vision.  "You even
gave me a second chance, after the way that I treated you when you
arrived."

"That's not all there is to me, though," replied Neil with a sigh,
forcing his hands to relax even as he tried to calm the urge to pilot
the Eva once again, to feel the immense power of the machine at his
disposal.  "When I was a child, I..."  He paused for a moment, not
having planned on saying anything to Eiko about what had happened on
the schoolyard that fateful day, the words coming to his mouth
unbidden.  Letting his eyes drift shut again, he turned his sight back
towards the Eva, memories replaying themselves in his brain.  "In grade
school, I was always getting picked on by the class bully, and most of
my friends did too.  One day he was picking on a friend of mine, and
I..."  Coughing, he forced himself to continue.  "I stabbed him with a
pencil."

A sudden and awkward silence filled the air, and Neil felt as though
everyone's eyes were on him all over again, recalling the way that
everyone had seemed to simply stare at him on that day in the
schoolyard, blood covering his hands even as it dripped down into the
sand.  "He'd hit me, hard," he said, eyes closed tightly, head sunk
low.  "I wanted to make him stop, wanted to do something to hurt him
back, and... my hand just closed around the pencil involuntarily.  I
didn't want to kill him.  I just wanted him to be afraid like the rest
of us were, to get a taste of his own medicine."  Neil opened his mouth
to keep talking, then closed it, certain beyond any doubt that Eiko
wouldn't even want to look at him again, much less speak to him.

Much to his surprise, the gentle pressure of Eiko's grip against his
shoulder didn't move, and he opened his eyes to see the girl still
standing there, obviously shaken but looking far less panicked than
he'd expected.  "You didn't kill him, did you?" she asked after a
moment, her eyes glittering in the fluorescent light of the chamber,
looking oddly forgiving even with her eyes wide as though from terror.
Standing over near the door, Nieve could only stare at the two of them,
unsure of what to think.

"No," Neil replied after a moment, shaking his head and keeping it hung
low, the intensity of the recollection beginning to fade with a
somewhat draining sensation.  "He lived.  But I wound up moving soon
afterwards.  School just wasn't that friendly after everything that had
happened."  He paused for a moment, shaking his head.  "I'm afraid if
that's the only reason I pilot the Eva.  If I'm getting in that machine
with that kind of motivation, then..."  There was a moment of silence,
then he looked up at EVA-01 once again with a pained expression of
resignation.  "Then I'm no better than the Angels."

"That's not true," snapped Eiko, grabbing both sides of his head and
forcing his gaze back towards her, ignoring the somewhat awkward
expression on the boy's face as her hands forced his cheeks inward.
"If you were no better than the Angels, you wouldn't have defended me
the way that you did against the Angels.  Don't think like that."  She
paused for a moment, then blushed, becoming conscious of exactly how
close her body was to Neil's, her skin feeling very exposed through the
thin wet fabric of the plugsuit.  Clearing her throat, she forced the
thought out of her mind, concentrating on Neil.  "Now, come on.  Vash
is going off with Kensuke to work on some homework, but I was planning
on going to the arcade, like we'd planned the day we met."  She
paused.  "Do you want to come?"

Leaning against the doorframe, Nieve could see Neil nod, and she
watched as the two Children headed away from her down the catwalk,
towards the locker room to change out of their plugsuits.  Nieve, for
her part, simply stared after them, feeling a dull ache begin to seep
through her body from her chest as she bit down hard on her lower lip.
"He never told me anything about that," she muttered to herself, trying
to figure out why he would have remained silent about something so
obviously important.  The first thing her mind offered was the idea
that he simply wanted her to be impressed with him, but somehow that
felt too simple, and in the back of her mind she had a growing
suspicion that there was something far more fundamentally wrong.

"You aren't in control of the situation, silly girl," she muttered to
herself, shaking her head and sighing heavily as she stepped away from
the door limply.  "That's the only explanation."  Taking a deep breath,
she felt the tightness grow unexpectedly, having expected or at least
hoped that the admission would have made her feel slightly better.
Instead, it only augmented her fear, made her even more afraid that
Neil was going to leave than before.  She found herself frozen in place
midway across the catwalk, her mind telling her feet to move forward
but her feet maintaining their own opinion about the subject.

Another deep breath filled her lungs with the fragrance of the Eva's
nutrient bath, and she found her head turning towards the massive
purple machine, observing the entire emotional drama dispassionately,
almost managing to look bored.  "I have to talk to him," she said
firmly, clenching her fists and nodding at the machine as she let her
eyes flutter closed momentarily.  "I have to talk to him about this, to
make sure that he won't leave me."  She felt her eyelids tighten
involuntarily.  "I have to."

                                  ]++[

Nieve's arms were folded tightly across her chest, her eyes focused
weakly on the television screen as another pair of Japanese women went
through the same humiliating routine as the first time she'd watched
the show.  It was just shy of being outright disgusting, but the way
that the contestants were being treated was far from her mind, the
television little more than a glowing distraction from her own thoughts
as she let her eyes remain unfocused.  She'd worn a high-necked green
blouse with a short red skirt, an outfit she knew Neil liked, but since
the end of the synch testing for the day she hadn't had any opportunity
to make use of that fact.  "Where is that boy?" she muttered to
herself, tapping one foot impatiently.

"Out with Eiko," replied Misato from the kitchen, examining the small
pile of mail that had arrived for the day over the noise of the
television.  She knew that the answer would do little to make the girl
feel any better, and the loud exasperated sigh that came from the the
living room only served to confirm her suspicions on the matter.  "He
said that he'd be back a little before dinner, assuming that nothing
came up."  She paused for a moment, letting Nieve simmer briefly as she
sipped her beer, letting the bitter sharpness of the liquid bite
through her mouth and start to slowly bleed away the painful memories
of the day.  "You had him all morning, didn't you?"

"You make it sound like he's some kind of action figure," snarled
Nieve, springing to her feet and stepping loudly over to the hallway,
drawing Misato's attention as she came to a stop a meter or so away
from the main table.  Her green eyes were flashing with something
between anger and simple pain, but there was something in them that
made it clear neither emotion was directed towards Misato.  "It's not a
case of whose turn it is to play with him.  I happen to be his
girlfriend, after all."

Misato stared for a moment, doing her best not to show the resentment
that she felt as Nieve spoke the line, feeling abandoned even more by
the knowledge that the Children seemed to have little difficulty
forming personal relationships.  "So you shouldn't be worried about
him, then," she replied flatly, turning her gaze away from the girl,
taking another sip of the dulling alcohol.  "He knows that he's taken.
He wouldn't go off and do anything with Eiko unless he didn't want you
in the first place."

The woman's words cut deep, reminding Nieve of the obvious lack of
control she had over the situation, stinging more intensely than almost
anything else could have.  It was as bad as it had been a few days
prior, and Nieve's hands clenched into fists, her mind reeling even as
she promised herself that she would maintain control of the
conversation if nothing else.  "What would you know about that?" she
asked mockingly, grinning her usual mischevious grin with a slightly
more sinister edge.  "Your boyfriend obviously doesn't want to have
anything to do with you anymore.  It's a shame that you gave Kaji up -
he's quite an attractive man."  She leaned against the wall of the
hallway defiantly, realizing almost as soon as she had finished
speaking that she was being too harsh but resolved to stay the course.

For a moment, Misato said nothing, then slumped forward slightly,
shoving the gold-tinted can of beer forward slightly and sighing
heavily.  "I let him go because I didn't want him," she said firmly,
something in her voice making it unclear who she was trying to
convince.  "You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to, Nieve,
but either way Neil isn't here."  She paused for a moment, then pushed
back from her chair, standing and stretching as a particularly loud
shout came from the television in the living room.  "What are you so
worried about, anyways?"

"Neil..."  Nieve meant to say what she'd found out, but the words stuck
in her throat, not quite wanting to come out, worried that Neil
wouldn't forgive her if she said anything.  She had to admit that she
could understand why he wouldn't advertise something like that, knowing
he had probably tried his best to forget it.  Looking at it from such
an angle, it made more sense that he hadn't told her, but simply
thinking that made her remind herself that he was supposed to tell her
everything, returning her resentment to its full pitch and narrowing
her eyes slightly.  "There's things that Neil has told Eiko that he
won't even tell me.  And that makes me worried about our relationship."

"How do you know?"  The question puzzled Nieve for a moment before she
realized what Misato was asking, and a blush began to flow across her
face as Misato regarded her with an odd sort of intensity.  Misato
sighed, shaking her head, the girl's response obvious simply by
reaction.  "You were eavesdropping."  Nieve nodded reluctantly, and
Misato felt a moment of indecision, knowing academically that she
should scold the girl but also knowing that she had no real moral high
ground to stand on.  "You shouldn't do that, you know," she said at
length, forcing herself not to blush as well at the hypocrisy of her
statement, feeling unusually exposed.

"Sometimes, you do things you don't like to for the people you love,"
replied Nieve, sounding halfhearted about the defense even before she'd
finished saying it completely, sensing an odd sort of tension from
Misato.  She stared at the woman for a moment, but Misato was remaining
unmoved, no change in expression visible on her face.  That stung
deeply, made her feel as though she was losing even more control of the
conversation, like she was caught in a spiral that she couldn't get out
of.  "It's not like you've never done anything wrong yourself, Misato,"
she snapped, her vigor renewed.  "You can't judge me for it."

Misato opened her mouth as if to say something, then shook her head,
grabbing her beer and stepping around the girl towards the living
room.  Nieve glared at her, but the last thing that Misato wanted to do
was deal with more baggage from Kaji, and more than anything she simply
wanted to blur out the day comfortably.  "I'm going to go watch
television," she announced flatly, still calm.  "Neil should be back in
an hour or so.  You can talk to him then."

Nieve watched as the woman slowly moved towards the couch and sat down,
not sure whether to be angry, hurt, or simply to ignore the whole
thing.  After a moment of silent deliberation she gritted her teeth and
lashed out against the wall, feeling a sudden shudder of pain through
her hand as it struck the smooth plaster of the wall, her breaths
coming harder than before.  "I've been doing everything right," she
muttered, the terror that she'd lost control of the world around her
completely overwhelming.  "Why do things keep going wrong?"

As the girl's eyes fluttered shut, she was suddenly jerked roughly out
of her reverie by the sharp noise of the telephone ringing, the piping
beeps from the phone taking her entirely by surprise.  Hoping that it
was Neil, she stepped over to the phone swiftly, yanking the portable
receiver out of the cradle and hearing the phone acknowledge her action
with a more dull beep.  "Hello?" she said, knowing full well anyone who
would call the apartment would at least know enough English to
understand what she'd said.

"Major Katsuragi, please," said a deep, firm voice on the other end,
almost sounding outright angry.  It wasn't a voice that Nieve
recognized immediately, but she knew that whoever it was, they were
calling from the Intel department - perhaps part of the group's
training involved making sure that they all sounded the same.

"Hold on a moment," replied Nieve flatly, trying to refrain from
letting the sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach show too
overtly in her voice.  Placing the receiver firmly against her chest to
muffle the noise of the television, she walked into the living room
slowly, stepping around directly in front of the television and glaring
down at Misato.  "Telephone's for you," she announced, drawing an
unhappy glare from Misato before handing over the phone with a snide
grin.  She wasn't really angry with Misato so much as Neil, but she had
little outlet for her anger otherwise, and she could only hope that
Misato understood that.

Taking the phone from the girl, Misato turned away from the television,
still feeling guilty from lecturing Nieve, wondering if the girl was
acting nastier to her because she knew what Misato had done.  "Hello?"
she said, doing her best to sound professional.  She could hear the
hiss of static on the other end of the line, and when the deep voice on
the other end began speaking she knew after the first word what the
call was about.

Nieve, still somewhat bitter about the fact that it wasn't Neil
calling, simply stared out the window to the apartment as the sun began
to sink beneath the horizon, the last few fingers of its rays streaming
into the apartment in a sort of orange haze.  It was a beautiful
sunset, something that Japan had become known for after the Second
Impact and which Nieve had always regarded as nicely ironic.  At least
for the moment it was a welcome distraction for Nieve, listening
halfheartedly to the screaming Japanese from the television and the
curt response that Misato was giving to the man on the other end of the
phone, letting the sensory input blot out her worries about Neil.  Then
she heard the beeping noise of the phone being shut off, and she turned
towards Misato as the woman turned off the television.  "We're going in
to Central Dogma," she announced.  "There's an emergency."

                                  ]++[

A thin haze of gray smoke wafted its way through the air of the arcade,
just enough to give the place the atmosphere of being someplace private
without being tacky, enough to give each breath the slightly bitter
taint of ashen haze.  The entire building was filled with flash lights
and loud noises, simultaneous shouts of victory and defeat keeping the
atmosphere surprisingly lively even sitting apart from the tall arcade
machines that occupied the bulk of the floor, something that Neil
couldn't help but notice as he leaned towards Eiko on the black plastic
table set up in the small dining area.  "How long have you been
practicing, anyways?" he asked, trying to sound as though he was going
for casual conversation even has he found himself fixated on the girl's
eyes.

"Most of my life.  Arcades are a bit thing over here."  The girl
smiled, reaching over casually and taking a sip of her soda as the
nearby machines continued to spit out flashing lights and loud noises,
almost giving the dining area a surreal feeling.  "I think the first
time I ever got to play a video game was when I was five.  One of my
uncles got it for me.  My parents weren't too pleased, and then I spent
most of the next few days glued to the television until I'd mastered
it."  Eiko giggled, tilting her head slightly forward and letting her
short hair fall to cover her eyes.  "I managed to beat it, though.  I
was hooked from then on."

"It shows," replied Neil, simply lost in the way that the girl moved,
the way that the fabric of her school uniform fell around her body, the
way each strand of hair shifted as her head did.  He felt a minor
twinge of guilt for looking at her, knowing in the back of his mind
that Nieve would probably not be happy with it, but he forced the
thought out of his head, reminding himself that he was only looking.
"You're better than anyone else I've seen."  He smiled, shaking his
head.  "I always wanted to be better.  Thought it would help me impress
girls."

Eiko chuckled slightly, shaking her head and reaching one slender arm
over towards Neil.  Neil felt a minor electric rush through his skin as
her hand brushed the side of his head, thoughts of Nieve's gentle touch
returning to his mind involuntarily.  "You hardly look like you'd need
help."  She grinned.  "Especially now that you're an Eva pilot.  You're
one of the saviors of humanity, and you've got a good girlfriend in
Nieve.  That's more than enough impressiveness for any girl I know."

The girl's words sent a sting of guilt and jealousy through Neil
unexpectedly, as though she'd just slapped him across the face and
reminded him of the reality of his situation.  "I suppose so," he
replied weakly, sinking his head slightly, unsure if the fact that Eiko
wasn't attracted to him or the fact that he knew full well that he
already had Nieve was making him feel worse.  For a split second, he
found himself wondering why the situation was bugging him in the first
place, then he realized that Eiko was staring at him and waiting for
him to say something.  Grinning sheepishly, he held up a hand, trying
to look innocent.  "Sorry.  I just was trying to remember if I had a
movie over here in Japan."

A brief flicker of suspicion seemed to dance across Eiko's face, as
though she had perceived just enough of the truth in Neil's tone of
voice.  Then a particularly bright light flashed from one of the larger
booths, and any traces of suspicion vanished from the girl's face.
"Really?  What movie?"  She withdrew her hand, still smiling at the boy
broadly, looking as though she would have never had any reason to doubt
him.

"One of the older ones in my collection.  'Joe Versus The Volcano.'"
He smirked, involuntarily recalling the first time he'd seen the movie,
knowing that he looked odd to Eiko and that he had more important
things to consider but not caring in the slightest.  "Most of the stuff
I have is on DVD, but that's one of the few movies that I have on DVD
and video.  I've practically killed the video from watching it so many
times, but it's almost an heirloom now.  My grandfather was the first
one to own it, and my dad got it when he passed away."

"What's it about?" asked Eiko, cocking her head slightly to one side as
she reached towards her soda once again.  Her hair shifted with her
movement and fell rather alluringingly against the pale skin of her
neck, but Neil forced himself not to think about it, his already-
present guilt surging back upwards from the thought simply tickling the
back of his consciousness.

Taking a deep breath, Neil pushed the other thoughts out of his head.
"Well... to quote the opening sequence, there's a guy named Joe, and he
has a very crummy job."  He paused for a moment, then smirked somewhat
mischeviously, a gesture that he couldn't remember using until after
he'd met Nieve.  "Come to think of it, it's a lot like my life, except
fewer Angels."

He'd expected Eiko to laugh, but instead her face took on an oddly
pitiful expression, eyes wide and glinting slightly with reflected
light from the game booths.  "Do you really hate piloting the Eva that
much?" she asked rather softly, sinking her head slightly, her gestures
not making it particularly clear whether she was sympathetic with Neil
or simply sad because of what he said.  He leaned closer to try and
tell, but she'd closed her eyes, her mouth a thin line offering no
insight into her emotional state.  "You keep saying that you don't want
to pilot it."

"No, I don't particularly want to pilot it," replied Neil somewhat
bluntly, causing Eiko's eyes to open as a rather loud burst of gunfire
came from the direction of the arcade machines and someone let out a
loud cry of triumph.  "I didn't particularly want to when they first
got me here, and I have to say that I haven't had experiences to really
change that opinion about the thing."  He sighed, looking away from
Eiko and flicking his gaze towards his hand, surveying his open palm
sitting upon the table through the slight haze and dim light of the
arcade.  "It's hard to do, and it hurts.  It hurts almost constantly."

"Maybe you should think harder about why you pilot it," she said
softly, drawing Neil's attention back towards her as he closed his hand
into a loose fist.  Her face was still blank, as if she was numb about
the whole thing.  "You've got to have some reason.  If it's such a
horrible experience each time you synchronize with the machine, then
something really important must keep pulling you back each time.  What
is it?"

Eiko's voice carried an undercurrent, the unspoken implication that
there was a right answer to her question, and Neil felt slightly guilty
for not knowing what that right answer was.  He opened his mouth
halfway to say something, then stopped, letting the thin smoke of the
air drift into his mouth, the taste somehow reminding him almost of the
LCL.  The boy stared for a moment, then exhaled hard, trying to collect
his thoughts, wanting to say something perfect, wanting to say
something that might change Eiko's opinion about him.  "I..."  Another
twinge of guilt went through his body at the thought of trying to make
Eiko like him, but he tried to ignore it, his mind whirling.  "I..."

Without warning, the front door of the arcade opened with a loud crash,
and both Children whipped their heads towards the source, their
reflexes kicking in as they saw Kensuke running towards them, glasses
nearly falling off his nose as he dashed through the arcade booths
before spotting them.  "Found you," he shouted, running towards their
table, obviously exhausted as he skidded to a halt a few feet away.
"There's an emergency down at Central Dogma, and Vash got the call at
my house.  He knew you would be here."  The boy paused, then looked at
Neil somewhat suspiciously.  "Well, he knew -Eiko- would be here."

Resisting the urge to mutter something about how friendly all of the
locals seemed to be towards him, Neil stood, pushing the thoughts about
his reasons for piloting the Eva out of his mind as he shoved his chair
back in.  "We're coming," he announce firmly, trying to sound as though
he didn't have a doubt in the world, drawing a quick glance from Eiko
but remaining impassive.  Kensuke simply nodded, then began to lead the
two Children out of the arcade, their drinks left forgotten on the
table.

                                  ]++[

The main screen of Central Dogma's control room was relaying the image
slowly, static occasionally flickering across the screen as the
broadcast signal from the satellites was interrupted.  Nevertheless,
there was little doubt that the object on screen was an Angel,
certainly the most bizarre one that Misato could remember seeing.  The
beast had a single central eye surrounded by two gigantic hand-like
formations, the whole thing looking like one huge flattened mass
circling Earth arbitrarily.  "They're either getting stranger or
smarter," she noted, leaning towards Makoto with one hand holding her
hat in place.  "What's the readout?"

"It's hard to tell from this distance, but the scanners are
consistently giving a blue pattern," replied Makoto, nimble fingers
springing from key to key on his console, letting the display in front
of him flash information at an alarming rate.  "Unfortunately, that's
all we can ascertain at the moment.  The AT field is too strong for
definite scanning, and it's on the absolute outer edge of our
scanners."  He paused for a moment, his tone making Misato unsure if
he'd drawn the obvious conclusion or simply was waiting for her to draw
the same.

"Sounds awfully convenient," offered Misato, glancing down towards
Makoto's display only quickly before looking back towards the main
screen, the orange Angel almost looking serene against the speckled
blackness of space and the curving blue-white orb of the Earth.  She
knew that the beast had some kind of attack, but she hated having to
wait for it, having to simply hope that NERV's defenses could hold up
against the first salvo.  Academically, she was aware that the alcohol
was affecting her thought process and making her feel more aggressive,
but she couldn't bring herself to care as she knew she should, feeling
more as though the Angel was mocking her just out of her reach.
"What's the Angel's current position?"

"Hovering over the Indian Ocean.  It seems to be moving roughly in our
general direction."  Makoto stared at his display for a moment longer,
then suddenly tensed, leaning closer to the screen and frowning as the
light from the display glinted off his glasses.  "We're getting a
reading of something from the Angel!  A high energy reaction is
occuring in one of the thing's 'hands'!"  The technician's expression
darkened further as he stared disapprovingly at the display.  "It looks
like it's attacking!"

For a brief moment, Misato could feel terror race through her body, a
monstrous certainty rising in her gut that the beast would use some
kind of energy attack, something that NERV couldn't hope to
counterattack at such an extreme range.  She looked up at the display
with horror as one of the Angel's finger-like structures flared with
light, and her mind happily pieced together the next few moments in a
horrifying flash-forward.  What happened, however, was exactly what she
had not expected, and she had to blink a few times before her brain
registered that a part of the Angel seemed to be sloughing off of its
body.

The entire command room watched with a macabre fascination as the
orange beast seemed to detach a part of its hand, letting the flare of
energy dissipate as the flesh began to hurtle towards the Earth.  All
that the command center could do was track the path of the projectile,
but the nature of the attack seemed obvious.  "It's going to hail us to
death," she whispered, folding her arms across her chest almost
involuntarily and glancing towards Maya's console.  Maya was sitting at
her station, but Ritsuko was absent, still down in the Eva hangars
preparing them for the almost inevitable launch.  Despite her lingering
anger towards the woman, Misato almost wished that she was on the deck,
that she could get some kind of advice about what to do next.  "Where
did that segment impact?"

"Towards the center of the ocean.  There won't be any significant
damage."  Makoto paused for a moment, then drummed across the keyboard
of his console again as another energy flare became visible on the
Angel's surface, another segment dropping off into the atmosphere.
"That one's going to hit closer.  Not much closer, but enough to be
worrisome."  The man let his eyes shift away from the display in front
of him for a moment and stared instead at the main screen, watching as
the Angel continued to drift.  "It's acting like it was a piece of
artillery trying to calibrate itself.  Taking test shots before going
for the main target."

"It probably is," replied Misato, taking a deep breath and wishing that
she could get some sense of position from the main display of the
Angel, wanting to turn the walls of the command center into a single
gigantic display, to use up all the empty space so that she could
finally get some sense of perspective for the gigantic beast.  "Makoto,
try to analyze the substance of the Angel.  I've got an idea."

"Yes, ma'am," replied Makoto curtly, letting his fingers trace along
the keyboard for a moment before, information flashing in front of his
face at a dizzying pace.  "The Angel's just within our scanning range,
but we can give it a shot."  He paused again, then his computer gave a
defiant beep as he recoiled slightly.  "Er... analysis isn't certain,
but from what we can tell, the Angel looks as though it's laced with
explosives.  The structure of its body... like some kind of glider made
out of plastique."

Misato nodded, the plan of attack becoming cleare in her mind as she
stared at the Angel, watching it seperate another segment and send it
hurtling towards the Earth.  "It's a bomb," she announced, drawing a
stare from all the technicans, her expression remaining calm despite
her inward doubts.  "Right now, each drop is getting itself calibrated,
making sure that it won't miss when it drops itself onto Central
Dogma."  She paused for a second.  "Makoto, assuming that the Angel
actually hit the surface of the Earth, how much explosive force would
it generate?"

The man said nothing in response, simply keyed in a few commands and
stared at the readout.  "More than enough force to punch straight
through our armor," he replied grimly, Misato's intended question
obvious from her initial query.  Picking up on details like that, minor
ways that Misato would phrase a question, was something she'd found
that Makoto excelled at, one of the things that she liked about working
with him.  "So what do we do?  We don't have any way of reaching the
Angel that high up, with the way that the beast is defended, and
letting it fall on us obviously isn't an option."

"Working on that part," replied Misato halfheartedly, her arms crossed
tightly across her chest as she stared at the floating Angel, trying to
determine its weakness, certain that it had something to exploit.  She
watched the beast move slowly, breaking off tiny bits of itself, almost
casually wondering when its test shots would start hitting land,
expecting that they would hit like miniature N2 bombs.  Then a plan
began to form in her head, and she half-smirked.  "Shigeru, get in
touch with Dr. Akagi and bring her up on the main screen.  I need to
run something by her before I decide to go through with it."

Listening only distantly to the communications officer shouting a quick
reply, Misato continued to stare at the Tenth Angel, trying to study it
as best she could before the display switched over to Ritsuko.  Then
she heard the hissing noise of the elevator behind her, and turning her
head she saw Kaji stepping onto the floor out of the corner of her
eye.  "Evening, Misato," he said with a quick wave, offering a sly wink
to Maya as he strolled onto the deck rather casually, one hand stuck in
the pocket of his slacks as though the Angel hovering overhead was no
more a threat than a mosquito.

Misato felt the instant and simultaneous urges to slap the man and to
hide her appearance from him, feeling even filthier after having gone
through an entire day without the benefit of a shower.  She had only
managed to get her mouth half-opened to say something to the man when
she heard the sound of the main screen changing to another display, and
frowning momentarily she turned towards the screen, forcing herself to
put the Angel first, feeling as though she'd wasted a perfectly good
haze of alcohol by forcing herself to concentrate.  Ritsuko's face was
displayed on the screen, disturbingly large in comparison to the people
standing on deck.  "What is it?" asked the blonde woman curtly, her
eyes flicking down to the barely-visible clipboard in an almost bored
fashion.  "We've still got a few optimization tests to run on EVA-05,
considering how Niobe's synch rate keeps peaking."

"I have a question for you, Ritsuko," she replied, leaning forward and
gesturing for Makoto to send Ritsuko the data he'd compiled on the
Angel.  "We've got a fairly good idea of what the Angel is capable of,
but I want to know what the Evas are capable of.  Considering the
strength of the thing's AT field, do you think the Eva's would be able
to withstand the blast, direct it away from the Geo-Front, and destroy
the Angel if necessary?"

Ritsuko looked rather irate at first, then glanced towards something
that Misato couldn't see but she assumed was a computer display.  The
woman's eyes seemed to trace over it for a moment, then widened ever so
slightly, the barest crack visible in her usually pristine facade.
"You can't be serious," she said flatly, staring back at Misato
somewhat blankly.  "We're talking about enough explosive force to turn
the Geo-Front into a blackened pit along with the rest of Tokyo-3."

"Would I have contacted you if I wasn't serious?" asked Misato,
leveling her gaze with the oversized Ritsuko, forcing herself to blot
oueverything else as she stared at the other woman.  "Now answer my
question."

Sighing, Ritsuko shook her head, a slight nodding motion seemingly
thrown in as if to indicate that she was shaking out of exasperation
rather than denial.  After a moment, she brought her gaze back towards
Misato, rolling her eyes slightly.  "Theoretically, the combined fields
of two Evas would have enough power to hold off the explosion at ground
zero," she replied at length, the tone in her voice leaving little
doubt as to her opinion on the matter.  "But all six would need to be
at ground zero to protect anything other than themselves, and that's
assuming that the Children are generating particularly strong AT
fields.  Stronger than we could expect from some of them."

"But it's possible," Misato replied, feeling a guilty sense of joy at
the sight of Ritsuko's face darkening.  The scientist nodded
reluctantly, and Misato turned away from the display, her mind already
attempting to formulate a more concrete plan.  "Good.  Makoto, run a
simulation and determine a loose radius of where the Angel is likely to
make landfall.  Let me know once you've got something."

"Please tell me that you're not planning what I think you're planning,"
said Ritsuko somewhat weakly, her face morphing to something between
abject horror and utter defeat.  Misato felt some minor satisfaction at
having deflated the woman's normally pristine exterior, but it was
fleeting at best, and she didn't really want to make the other woman
suffer.  The thought brought her back to the days of college
momentarily, the long hours that they had spent together before and
after Kaji had entered their lives, the way that they'd been best
friends.

Forcing herself to pay attention to the situation at hand, Misato
turned towards the main screen with a flourish, a sort of smug grin on
her face.  "The six Evas will be deployed around Tokyo-3.  When the
Angel begins to break through the atmosphere, we'll keep tracking its
position, and all six Evas will move to intercept it.  Two will
probably be there first, and those two will hold the Angel off just
long enough for the others to reach it, shield the city, and destroy
it."  Ritsuko groaned, but Misato ignored the other woman, focused on
her plan.  "It's possible, isn't it?"

"Mathematically, or realistically?" replied Ritsuko with a loud sigh,
one arm reaching over and punching a few quick buttons on the computer
console off-screen, her white lab coat shifting as she moved.  "In
theory, yes, the Evas could do it.  But there's not even a five percent
chance that they'll be entirely successful."  She paused for a moment,
hitting a few more keys.  "And there's an eighty percent chance that
such an action will result in the destruction of at least one Eva along
with Tokyo-3.  Misato, this plan is insane."

Ritusko's words stung, and Misato bit her lip for a moment before she
felt Kaji's hand on her shoulder, gently pulling her aside.  She glared
at the man for a moment, planning to be furious with him, but his gaze
was fixed up on the main screen, jaw set in his characteristic smirk.
"There aren't any better plans, are there?" he asked calmly, his tone
surprisingly sympathetic as he stared at his lover on the main screen.
"The Children have managed to pull some rather impressive stunts before
now.  If we keep all of the Evas at full power and make sure that
everyone understands the risks, I think it might be our best option."

On the screen, Ritsuko's expression seemed to waver, as though Kaji's
words lent some credence to Misato's plan.  The woman didn't know quite
what to feel about that, and she looked towards Kaji, wondering if his
actions were in any way connected to the unexpected kiss from a few
days prior.  He simply winked at Misato briefly, then looked back at
the screen as Ritsuko took a deep breath.  "I could try to get some
temporary field enhancers functional for the Evas whose pilots generate
the weakest AT fields.  But it's still a long shot.  If they falter at
all..."  Her voice seemed to finish the sentence without any words
necessary, the implications obvious to all in the control room.

Nothing daunted, Misato nodded curtly towards the screen, then glanced
down quickly at Makoto's display, glancing towards the upper-right
corner where a countdown until the Angel's expected landfall was slowly
beeping away.  "All right.  We've got two hours until the Angel will be
in position at its current rate of travel, so I want the Evas ready for
launch in one.  Maya, as soon as we finish predicting the landing area,
I want you to plot a course for the Evas I designate.  Shigeru, try to
get in touch with Commander Ikari so that he'll be here when the
machines launch."  She paused, almost wondering if she should say
something to Ritsuko or Kaji, then shook her head and focused back on
the task at hand.  "And get the Children into the conference room.
They need to know what the plan is."

                                  ]++[

A cool night breeze was blowing outside, rustling the branches of Tokyo-
3's greenery and giving an even more eerie feeling to the outskirts of
the silent and emptied city.  Nieve could only feel the comfortable
shift downwards in temperature distantly as the wind played lightly
across the surface of her Eva, but it was a welcome respite from the
mind-numbing nothingness of waiting, sitting in the flood of LCL in her
cockpit and trying not to succumb to boredom, simply peering into the
star-flecked sky and waiting for the Angel to send itself crashing
towards Earth.  She hated waiting, hated sitting and doing nothing,
hated letting herself relinquish control like that.  Flipping a small
switch on her handset to briefly shut off her communicator, she sighed
loudly, shaking her head before leaning it against the soaked nylon
behind her.  "We've been waiting for nearly an -hour-!" she screamed at
nobody, the sheer idleness getting under her skin.

Pausing, she turned her gaze towards EVA-01 standing next to her, the
purple goliath looking almost black in the darkness of the night, only
the occasional ray of moonlight playing across its surface giving it
any dimensions of color.  She and Neil had barely said two words to one
another, though she couldn't be certain if he had been quiet because
she hadn't seemed to want to talk or just because he didn't want to
talk with her.  It was infuriating that she even had to consider the
question, and the more she thought about it the angrier she got at what
it implied about her handle on the situation.  "Say something, Neil,"
she whispered, flipping the switch on her cockpit once again.  "Say
something."

Neil, for his part, was fixing his gaze on the sky, his mind still
playing idly with the question that first Nieve and then Eiko had asked
him about why he piloted.  The look on Eiko's face when he'd said he
hated being a pilot was burnt into his memory, and while part of him
knew that he should feel guilty for making that his rationle behind
answering the question, another knew that he did need an answer,
whatever the reason.  "Why am I doing this?" he whispered to himself,
remembering the tension in Misato's voice as she'd briefed the Children
on the situation.  "I don't want to die.  I want to live to see
twenty.  I don't want this thing to keep hurting me.  Why am I still
getting it here?"

Her patience pushed to the limit by the combination of Neil's silence
and the mind-numbing waiting, Nieve sighed loudly and flicked open a
private communication window to Neil's Eva.  She saw the boy's face pop
up, then felt a momentary bit of panic, unsure of what to say for a
moment before she took a deep breath of LCL and steeled herself.
"Neil, are you angry with me?" she asked at length, seeming to first
draw the boy's attention towards her with the question, as though she'd
only suddenly appeared.  "Did I say something that made you mad?"

"Of course not," replied Neil, entirely unsure of where the
conversation was going.  He felt a minor twinge of resentment for Nieve
snapping him out of his thoughts, but he had picked up from her few
words that it wasn't something he should bring up.  "Why do you ask?"

"Because you haven't said anything to me all evening," replied Nieve,
her voice betraying a little more of her pain than she'd intended, legs
unconsciously sliding up the seat of the cockpit towards her chest.
"You didn't come back to the apartment with Misato and I, just ran
right off with Eiko.  And then when we finally did see each other
again, you still didn't say anything."  She paused, sighing, resisting
the urge to curl up into a ball, knowing that she had to keep control
over herself as much as the conversation.  "I just... I was just
wondering.  It didn't seem like you."

The comment stung, but Neil forced himself not to think about making
himself feel guilty, knowing that it would only make things worse, that
the most important task at the moment was speaking with Nieve.  "I
wasn't mad, I just wanted to spend some time with a friend.  And this
evening, I was..."  He paused, unsure if telling the truth was the
right thing to do or not.  "I was just thinking about what you asked me
this morning, about why I piloted the Eva.  I never gave you a good
answer, and I still don't have one."

"It's all right," replied Nieve somewhat weakly, something else still
tickling at the back of her mind from the sheer amount of time he'd
spent out with Eiko.  She didn't really want to talk with him about
something so serious while they sat in the Evas, knowing that she was
giving up a portion of her control by simply virtue of position, but
she also knew that she needed some kind of resolution to keep herself
under control against the Angel.  "Neil?"  She paused for a second, the
LCL feeling as though it was clogging her throat as the boy stared at
her.  "Why did you start dating me?"

Nieve's words were an unexpected shock to Neil, his hands involuntarily
clenching arount the cool metal handrests out of surprise.  He
stammered for a moment, unsure of what to say.  "Do we have to talk
about this now?" he asked after a moment or two, once again feeling
guilty because he didn't have a decent answer for the question, mind
whirling and trying to determine something before she asked again.
"I'd really rather be looking at your face."

"Humor me," replied Nieve somewhat bitterly, unable to even tell
herself if she was angry with Neil or not.  She let the silence hang in
the air for a moment, letting her concentration rest on the steady
beating of the LCL against her body as her lungs took in and exhaled
the orange-red liquid.  "I know it's not very private, but it's what
we've got for the moment.  Why did you start dating me?"

Closing his eyes for a second, Neil thought, the first answer springing
to his mind being a simple statement of the fact that she had wanted
him to.  The second he let his eyes open, however, he could see from
Nieve's face that it was entirely the wrong answer, and he bit his
lower lip, trying to come up with something convincing.  A half-second
later he felt guilt kick in about lying to her as well, and in
exasperation he banged his head back against the headrest of the
cockpit, thoroughly frustrated.  "Because..."  He paused, knowing that
she wouldn't want to hear what he was going to say, doing his best to
think of a way to soften the blow.  "Because it seemed right."  Without
prompting, he winced, knowing that the girl would be angry.

For a split second, Nieve's expression remained confused, the slowly
melted into a smile, a sort that he couldn't remember seeing from her
before.  It bore no traces of mischeviousness or anything else, just a
pure, unadulterated smile, indication that she found something amusing
or simply heartening.  "That's sweet," she said slowly, as though she
was unsure of exactly how to respond, sinking her eyes slightly away
from the small window portrait of her on Neil's display as a red flush
began to seep through her face as though to match her plugsuit.

Beneath the ground, the staff of NERV waited uneasily in the command
center, simply monitoring the Angel's motion patterns and waiting for
the inevitable.  Ritsuko was simply taking excessive amounts of notes
on the Eva's synch ratios, something that Misato almost envied as she
stared at the monitor, watching the Angel drift slowly over the Earth.
The first few shots had begun to hit land, and there could be little
doubt that its ultimate target was indeed Central Dogma, a fact that
Misato took no comfort in despite the fact that it meant her
predictions had been right.  Closing her eyes for a moment, wishing
that she had a beer once again to dull the stress of the moment, she
turned towards Ritsuko, feeling almost desperate for some human contact
instead of simply waiting.  "How are the pilots doing?"

Ritsuko's mouth had only half-opened when a sudden loud beeping filled
the air of the command center, red lights suddenly switching on as the
sound of an alarm siren filled the air and red hexagons lit up along
the walls.  "Angel descending!" shouted Makoto, the noise of the siren
soon joined with the sound of clacking keys on a computer while Misato
stared at the slowly-moving Angel with a growing sense of terror.
"Calculating trajectory and expected landing site!"

Sitting in the cockpit of his Eva, Vash couldn't hear what Makoto was
saying, but he could hear the sudden blare of the emergency siren, as
if the sudden flash of a red bar with the word "EMERGENCY" printed on
it in large black letters across his display wasn't enough.  Taking a
deep breath, he gripped the handrests firmly, reminding himself that he
couldn't afford to do anything wrong, that everyone was looking up to
him.  "I never thought being a hero would be this much work," he
muttered, staring at the black sky, trying his best to stay calm and
smile.  His palms began to sweat as he heart the sound of Misato's
breathing against the microphone, the liquid cold and making the LCL
taste even saltier than necessary.

On the main screen, the Angel was no longer the subject of the display,
the screen instead displaying the probable impact error.  Misato simply
frowned at the display for a few moments, waiting for a more certain
result from the computers, watching as a trio of yellow crosshairs
marked the probably position and continued to shrink towards a positive
locale, her hands gripping the microphone tightly.  Then the crosshairs
contracted again, this time flashing to a green color, and Misato
nodded to nobody, trying to quiet her fears.  "Vash, Niobe, the Angel
is expected to make landfall approximately two hundred meters away from
your position!  All Evas, converge on that position!  Estimated time
until impact -"  Misato stopped, then flicked her eyes up to the
screen, her brown orbs going wide at the sight of the time display.
"Ten seconds!  Hurry!"

Niobe could feel herself sweating with terror, but she forced the
thought out of her mind, tensing the muscles in the legs of her Eva and
launching herself forward, the green foliage around her snapping and
cracking under her feet as she raced towards her target, arms moving in
smooth synchronization, her only guide the small indicator on her
display indicating how far she was from the expected landing site.
"Faster," she hissed to her Eva, slamming the handholds forward as she
concentrated hard, feeling the fatigue in the legs and not letting it
slow her as she reached the location, spreading her AT field as wide as
possible and looking up as Vash skidded to a halt nearby.  She could
only see a massive red fireball that she assumed was the Angel, but she
gritted her teeth hard, focusing on her field and raising her arms.
"Don't fall."

Misato watched with inexpressible terror as the black Eva and the
yellow Eva stood beneath a massive burning fireball, then watched the
Angel slam against their fields, letting out a shockwave of octagonal
ripples that seemed as tangible as any explosion.  The Angel seemed to
hesitate in mid-air for just a moment, as though it was taking time to
explode, blocked from its original destination.  "Good work!  Everyone
else, get there and destroy the Angel now!  We've only got a few more
seconds before it explodes!"

Anyone else would have been panicked, but Ryo never even let the
thought enter into his head, the arms of his Eva moving in the smooth
routine that he'd been taught in countless hours of training, pushing
forward on his handrests with all his strength almost by accident.  He
saw the beast almost the instant that he saw Eiko pass him, and
realizing that he would need to move faster he kicked himself forward,
letting his Eva rush into the warring AT fields and spreading his as
he'd been taught, his mind almost wholly focused on the task at hand.
At the back of his head was a nagging question about whether or not
this would change the way that Nieve thought of him, but he forced
himself not to falter from routine, seeing the core at the center of
the Angel's eye, reaching up and prying open the AT field that
protected the Angel as octagonal ripples exploded outwards from the
gathering.

Neil's thoughts had been scattered to the wind by the sheer immediacy
of the situation, all too aware of the stakes that he was working
under, thrusting his legs in furious motion as he ran towards the
location, hearing Nieve's Eva beside him only distantly as he focused
on his destination.  There was none of the blood-red rage that had been
in his mind the last time he had piloted the machine, only a sliver of
fear eating at the back of his mind as he pulled closer to the gigantic
orange beast, freezing for just a moment and ejecting his prog knife
from his shoulder flange, then drawing it in a single smooth motion and
renewing his approach towards the Angel.  Nieve had manged to deploy
her knife and keep moving, and Neil forced himself to move faster,
rushing into the heart of the growing AT field, the AT fields of the
six Evas resonating in harmony and holding off the beast only barely.
There was an unbearable heat within the group, the LCL suddenly feeling
like a sauna in the field of humanoid Evas and flashing ripples of
octagons beneath a giant orange tent.

It was a terrifying moment, staring up into the eye of the Angel as the
AT fields beat mercilessly around him, small bursts of energy coming
from the beast as it began to explode prematurely.  Neil found himself
losing his focus, losing his grip on the prog knife ever so slightly as
his gaze drifted down to the other Evas.  Then he saw Ryo straining to
hold the field open, Nieve waiting for Neil to strike as Vash, Eiko,
and Niobe held the Angel off with all their might.  Something snapped
within Neil, and he let out an almost primal yell, his course clear and
heart resolute as he drove his prog knife upwards, letting his mind
break freely into the body of the Eva as he and Nieve slammed the sharp
points of their blades into the core of the Angel, everything fading
from his mind except for the sharp impact against the red crystalline
core.

Distantly, he could hear the command center shouting as the Angel
exploded upwards in a tower of flame, Misato's voice saying something
about the operation being a success, that the Angel's force was being
directed harmlessly upwards.  It wasn't an insult to her that Neil
wasn't listening, however, as she could have been saying nearly
anything and he would have ignored her, lost in the simple beat of the
moment, a slow heavy breath escaping his lips before being drawn back
in again.  He had his answer to Nieve's question in that single
crystalline moment, and as he gazed over the other Children's Evas he
smiled more broadly.  "They need me," he said with a satisfied air,
letting his eyes close gently as the explosion raged above him, for the
first time feeling ever so slightly comfortable within the bath of LCL.

                                  ]++[

Between the stress of the battle and the lateness, it was an almost
Herculean task for all three of the humans sitting around the table to
keep their eyes open and their brains focused, although Pen-Pen was
having no trouble whatsoever and was instead squawking quite loudly to
protest the lateness of his dinner.  Both of the Children were clearly
exhausted as they slowly placed food in their mouths, but it was
obviously a good exhaustion, varying degrees of smiles passing across
their faces, and even if Misato had been in a bad mood before she
wouldn't have been able to help being at least slightly cheered up by
their looks.  "I'm sorry the dinner isn't a little better," she
announced apologetically, lids heavy just like those of the Children.
"You deserve something more lavish, but there aren't any good
restaurants open at this hour."

"It's fine," replied Nieve dismissively, trying to sound aggressive but
simply sounding as though she'd gotten a momentary second wind.  Only
one of her hands was actually involved in the process of feeding
herself, the other gently squeezing Neil's knee affectionately.
"Really, all I want to do is finish dinner and go to sleep.  I feel
like I could sleep for months on end."

Misato nodded, then yawned loudly, leaning back in her chair until it
threatened to fall over, her entire body seeming to shift from the
simple act of yawning.  "Well, I got something to eat while I was at
Central Dogma, so I'm going to skip straight to the second part of that
plan," she announced, standing from the chair and grabbing the back to
keep it from falling down, slowly making her way down the hall towards
her bedroom.  She truly wanted a beer, but more than anything she knew
that she needed a good night's rest, knew that it would dull the
memories simply by ending the day.  "You two did wonderfully.  I'm
proud of you both."

Nieve and Neil both watched as the woman ambled towards her bedroom,
body seeming to sway under its own weight, her purple hair swishing
back and forth with rythymic regularity until she reached the door and
stumbled in.  Then both Children turned back towards eating, the
silence between them feeling slightly awkward despite the flush of
victory.  "So, did you figure out your answer?" asked Nieve at length,
looking towards Neil with eyes as wide as she could manage, doing her
best to simply look interested instead of derranged.

"I think so," replied Neil, nodding weakly, letting one hand reach out
and pluck the girl's hand off his knee before taking it in his own.
She flushed slightly at the unexpected contact, but Neil could tell
that she was happy he'd done it, his guilt finally beginning to be
forced beneath the surface.  "I pilot it because you need me.  Because
everyone needs me."  He paused, flicking his eyes away for just a
moment as he tried to figure out the best way to phrase the next few
words.  "Because I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't doing my part
to keep us all safe."

The girl stared at him for a moment, then smiled at the boy with her
typical mischevious grin, slightly dulled by the hour but still
distinctly her own.  "Noblise oblige," she said jokingly, reaching over
and ruffling the boy's hair slightly.  The two grinned at one another
for a moment, no words passing between them, then suddenly and
unexpectedly Nieve leaned towards the boy, letting her lips press
against his and forcing her tongue into his mouth.  Any other day Neil
knew that he would have felt at least vaguely guilty about something
for kissing her, but for the moment he let his other emotions ride
above the guilt, pushing the regret below the surface and letting
himself kiss Nieve back wholeheartedly, their tongues embracing one
another in an inexplicably passionate moment.

Scooting her chair slightly closer to Neil, Nieve smiled as she wrapped
her arms around Neil's neck, pulling away from the kiss even as he
struggled weakly to maintain it, the same grin on her face as before.
"You seem to be getting better at that," she said, slapping him
lightly, the obvious implication that she wasn't even remotely angry
with him.  The two remained lost in one another's eyes for just a
moment, then Nieve pushed away slightly, feeling deeply satisfied
underneath everything, as though things had finally stabilized
themselves around Misato's apartment.  "I'm sorry, I really am
exhausted.  Do you think that you can clean up?"

"Of course," replied Neil, smiling at the girl, the urge to say
something else tickling at the back of his mind.  He began to reach
towards the girl, then paused and stopped, letting her go as he pushed
back his chair and stood, wanting to do anything besides ruin the
increasingly-perfect evening.  "You get some sleep, Nieve.  And
tomorrow..."  He paused again, realizing only after he'd begun talking
that he didn't really have an ending to his sentence.  "Tomorrow, we'll
go out on a date together.  Or something like that."

Nieve's smile broadened, and she gave Neil one final peck on the cheek
as she stepped into her room weakly, hair swishing behind her as well
as she opened and closed the door.  Neil stood for a moment, alone in
the main part of the apartment except for Pen-Pen, and the penguin too
was heading back towards his refridgerator.  Closing his eyes, Neil
took a deep breath, letting his nose take in the smell of the half-
eaten dinner, the warm salty scent of the meat combined with the simple
purity of rice.  He was alone with his thoughts, but he didn't feel
resentful about it for once, simply at peace, as though he couldn't do
anything wrong.

Breathing deeply, Neil set about washing the dishes, moving them from
the table to the sink, scraping the excess food into the trash can,
trying to run the water at a low enough pressure to avoid waking Nieve
or Misato.  It was simple, mindless work, something that felt like a
welcome relief after the intensity of the action inside the Evas.  He
knew, distantly, that he would feel guilty about something again, that
the oddly Zen feeling of harmony would only last so long, but for the
moment it didn't concern him, letting his mind drift as he slowly
rinsed the dishes, moving the yellow sponge alonge the white china in
smooth circles.

He almost didn't notice the sound of footsteps behind him from the
gentle rushing of the water, and he had to smile, expecting to see
Nieve as he turned around.  Mouth half-open to say something, he
stopped and closed it as he saw Misato standing there, wearing her
rather flimsy nightgown, an unreadable expression on her face.  There
was an odd sort of tension about her, as though Neil shouldn't have
been in the kitchen, like he was intruding in her home.  "Did Nieve go
to bed so soon?" she asked, yawning and rubbing the back of her head
idly.

"Yeah.  I told her that I'd clean up afterwards."  He paused for a
moment, noticing that Misato was taking halting steps towards him,
something tightening within his chest.  "Um... Misato, is something
wrong?  We both assumed that you were going straight to sleep -"

"I did, too.  Couldn't get to sleep."  She sighed heavily, stepping
into the kitchen proper and leaning against the main refridgerator
almost idly, rubbing her forehead and letting her eyes flutter closed.
She looked immensely alluring in the thin lace of her nightgown, and
Neil felt his body react involuntarily to the nearby presence of the
attractive woman.  Misato, for her part, was simply trying to wind down
from the day, her brain involuntarily processing all that she'd seen of
Kaji through the day, the way that it had at once hurt and felt
wonderful to be near him.  "Kind of ironic, isn't it?  The one night
that I should be feeling safe, that I should be able to sleep without a
problem, I'm having a fit of insomnia."

"Um."  Neil was trying his best to figure out what was going on, if
she'd simply expected the Children to be asleep when she'd come out or
if she genuinely wanted to see Neil.  "Speaking of sleep, I should
probably turn in myself.  I've had a really long day, and I know that
I'll have to be paying attention to things sooner or later tomorrow."
He smiled weakly, trying to look casual as he shut off the water, in
truth simply searching for some excuse to get out of the conversation.
Something about Misato's manner was making him severely uncomfortable,
and even as he started stepping towards his room he had the vague sense
that he wouldn't make it there."

Certainly enough, Misato's arm raised to block his path, the slender
tanned skin looking oddly inviting peeking out from beneath a short
lacy sleeve.  "Hold on," she said firmly, prompting Neil to take a step
backwards as she pushed off of the refridgerator with noticable
effort.  "I ought to thank you, Neil.  That night when I..."  Her words
faltered briefly, then she blinked a few times, shaking her head
gently.  "When I came into your room at night.  That was wrong of me.
You had every right to be mad at me, to not to be near me any more...
but you never said anything."

For just a moment, an awkward silence hung in the air between the two,
the boy saying nothing and the woman simply lowering her arm and
hanging her head as though in shame.  "You're unusual," she said at
length, her lids half-closed, the grwoing sense of awkwardness in the
pit of Neil's stomach amplifying with each word that passed her lips.
"Most people... you can't rely on them.  You can't really trust them,
depend on them.  But everyone can depend on you.  Even though you talk
about how much you hate the Eva, you keep piloting it."  She turned her
head slowly towards him, a bittersweet smile moving across her face.
"I'm amazed by that about you.  It's one of the rarest qualities in
people."

Neil bit his lip in an oddly reluctant fashion, and Misato simply
stared at the boy, a tumult of emotions going through her mind, feeling
vaguely wrong about most of them.  She felt alone, abandoned, as though
she'd lost her father all over again by losing Kaji.  Closing her eyes
for a moment, she took two quick steps towards Neil before he had a
chance to take a step backwards, her mind feeling as though it was
shutting down, blocking out the reality of the situation.  Her arms
reached up, unsure of what to do, and she awkwardly reached out to
embrace the boy, holding him tightly.  "You did an amazing thing today,
Neil.  You should be proud of yourself."

All the guilt that he'd managed to push beneath the surface before came
tumbling back into Neil's mind as he felt the soft warmth of Misato's
body, the feeling of her sizable breasts softly giving way against the
firmness of his own body, a fragrance of distant alcohol, sweat, and
something distinctly feminine.  Then he felt the warmth of her breath
on his cheek, and the soft pressure of a kiss being planted firmly
against the side of his face before the woman drew back slightly.  "I'm
glad that I know you, Neil," she said softly.  "Congratulations on a
job done well."

The boy only nodded weakly, shocked into silence as the woman turned
and walked back towards his bedroom, his hand gravitating towards the
spot on his cheek where she'd planted the kiss.  It had only been a
quick one, a gentle peck on the cheek, and part of him knew that he was
making more out of it than he needed to, that it could just be a simple
kiss to show that she cared about him.  Yet he didn't feel as though it
had been anything so transparent, and as he let his fingers rest
against his cheek he found himself realizing that he truly wanted
Misato to have meant something more by it, for it to be something more
than he expected it was.  It was a deflating feeling, as though he'd
done something unspeakably wrong.

Clenching his hands into fists once again, Neil found himself slowly
sinking down to a crouching position on the floor, his mind whirling
once again, slowly breaking down the one beautiful moment of clarity
he'd experienced in the Eva with wave after wave of renewed guilt.  "I
pliot the Eva to protect people," he said to himself, trying to remain
calm, feeling as though he was lying.  "I pilot the Eva to protect
people."  His voice faltered slightly as he repeated the expression,
his mind drifting back to the momentary conversation he'd had with Eiko
in the hangar of EVA-01, to the single terrifying thought that he'd had
about his true motivation.  He was certain that he'd told Nieve the
truth, but the nagging doubt wouldn't leave him alone, sticking in his
brain even as he tried to forget it.

Gritting his teeth, Neil took a deep breath, forcing himself to a
standing position and unclenching his hands, part of his body urging
him to retire to his bedroom as he slowly took heavy steps towards the
door.  It had only been a few moments earlier that everything had
seemed perfect and harmonious, and then with one simple action he'd
found himself back in the same quagmire that he'd started the day
with.  "I don't understand," he muttered to himself, gripping the knob
to his room, the same part of his body calling for him to take the last
few steps, to release the sexual tension building within him if nothing
else.  The mere thought disgusted him, but as he pushed the door open
he knew what he was going to do once he got inside, and fresh guilt
assaulted him as he took a few hesitant steps into his room, mind
already compensating for the errors he hadn't made.

                                  ]++[

Outro: Neon Epoch Evangelion is based off of -Shin Seiki Evangelion- by
GAINAX and company.  It is not intended to be a straightforward fanfic,
but it is building off the work of others, and as such it is done with
the utmost respect for the original works and their authors.
Basically, even though this is an original work, it's based off the
work of others, and if you read this, you should go to see the original.

Special thanks to all of the real Children - you know who you are.

Extra special thanks to Joe Augulis for his consultation on the
Japanese portions of the story.  He might not know much Japanese, but
that's more than I know.

Copyright 2002 Eliot Lefebvre.

NEXT EPISODE:
             When you were a child...
             When you were innocent...
             When you were safe...
NEON EPOCH EVANGELION 14: PARENTAL ECHOES
"I'm not nearly as good as I ought to be."

                                  ]++[

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