From: eltf@hotmail.com (Eliot Lefebvre)
Subject: [Eva][Fanfic] Neon Epoch Evangelion: Episode 16
X-Original-Date: 2 Dec 2002 08:07:53 -0800

Superdimensional Pre-Story Warning:

This fanfic is an original take on GAINAX's "Shin Seiki Evangelion."
It contains alternative characters, plots, and a different overriding
internal logic.  It is intended, from the beginning, to be different.
This includes different Children and different histories.  In short: if
the mere thought of someone other than Shinji in the cockpit of EVA-01
makes you queasy, you are in -entirely- the wrong place.  Any and all
flames stemming from this alteration will be mocked mercilessly.  You
have been warned.

Yep.  Another episode.  Those of you that like reading this already 
know the score, and the rest of you don't care, huh? ;>

                                  ]++[

               ]+ ELECTRONIC TRANSCENDENCE PRODUCTIONS +[
                                presents

                         ]+ NEON       EPOCH +[
                   ]+ E  V  A  N  G  E  L  I  O  N +[

                 ]+ EPISODE 16:  BURDENS OF THE SOUL +[

                     By Eliot "Lostfactor" Lefebvre

             Based off of "Shin Seiki Evangelion" by GAINAX

                                  ]++[

I know your deeds.  See, I have placed before you an open door that no
one can shut.  I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept
my word and have not denied my name.
- REVELATIONS 3:8

                                  ]++[

Hikari Horaki belonged to one of the few families that had moved to
Tokyo-3 almost immediately after its construction that did not have a
position within NERV, and was perhaps the only one that was not well-
off in the first place.  Her mother had been left with three young
daughters and a dead husband only a year prior to the completion of
Tokyo-3, and while the government had expected a flock of workers to
fill the gaps in the city's infrastructure, only a few individuals
seemed to actually arrive to make the city run normally, Hikari's
mother being one of them.  It had taken years for the family to move
out of their tiny apartment and into a decent house, and it was still a
small one, near the center of the city, barely two floors tall and only
equipped with a single bathroom.

Vash stood in the bathroom, one arm resting against the smooth white
porcelain of the toilet, pants open as though he actually needed to go
to the bathroom, thinking about what he knew of Hikari's past simply
because it gave him an alternative to thinking about his own
situation.  His eyes were closed, the only sensory input other than the
loose feel of his clothes being the vauge scent of soap and
disinfectant, an odd combination with the tight sensation in his
chest.  If there had been a window in the bathroom, he would have
happily climbed out it, but instead he could only stand, trying to
think about anything other than the reality of his situation, wishing
that he could urinate just to have something to do.

Eiko's kiss still was lingering gently on his lips, the warm sweetness
of her tongue still rolling about in his mouth, keeping his mind
focused on what they had done even though he wanted to deny it.  It had
been uncomfortable, lying on Hikari's couch and slowly undressing, the
passion between them building gently, just as it had before.  This
time, things had gone even more poorly, and even sooner than last time
Eiko asked him to stop, gripping his wrists in her hands and telling
him that she wasn't ready.  It was an intensely passionate moment, and
Vash had wanted, more than anything, to deny her the option of telling
him to stop, to give her what he knew she wanted.

It was only then, stnding in the bathroom weakly, that Vash realized
what he'd actually been contemplating, what it said about him as a
person, and he knew that he'd done the right thing by simply storming
off to the bathroom, offering only a curt announcement that he had to
go as explanation to the girl.  He would never have raped her, and he
knew that academically, but the thought that he had even considered it
made him at once angry with himself and angry with her.  "This wouldn't
happen if she just made up her mind," he muttered, restraining the urge
to hit the wall, feeling almost as though she was playing with him, as
though she wanted him to show her that he was decisive enough to take
her by force.

Shaking his head at the sheer absurdity of the thought, Vash reached
down and zipped his pants shut, letting his eyes drift open once again,
feeling uncommonly exposed and alone as he stood in the bathroom.  He
rested for a moment longer, then reached down and flushed the toilet,
washing his hands despite having done nothing, wanting to at least keep
up some kind of appearance with Eiko, wanting her at least to believe
in him a little bit.  Sighing heavily, not looking forward to what he
knew awaited him outside of the bathroom, he reached over and turned
the knob, moving with almost unconscious ease back towards the living
room.

The girl was sitting up on the couch once again, uniform blouse now
fastened as it was before, her hands folded across her knees, a red
blush spread across her cheeks, as though she was ashamed to even be
near Vash.  "Hey," he said quietly, drawing her gaze up towards him,
for once unsure of what his own expression was, completely baffled as
to what the girl in front of him was feeling.  "Sorry about getting up
like that... I just really had to go."  He tried to force a laugh,
failing somewhat but maintaining a distant hope that he'd convinced the
girl.  "So I guess it's probably better that we stopped, then."

"Vash, I'm sorry," said Eiko softly, sounding genuine, her eyes
flicking away from Vash to focus on something that he couldn't quite
pick out.  "I'm really sorry.  I'm just..."  She paused, then shook her
head.  "I just don't think I'm ready right now.  I know how much we've
talked about it, but -"

"It's all right," he replied, his voice losing some its usual mirth as
he turned away from the girl, not wanting to seem angry even though he
felt it.  He hadn't really wanted to come to Hikari's house in the
first place, and now that things had gone wrong he wanted mostly to
simply leave, to go find something else to do, and most importantly in
his mind to avoid talking to his father about what had happened.  "I
understand.  Today isn't a good day.  That's fine."

"You're not listening," replied Eiko, drawing Vash's gaze back towards
her, some of his mixed bitterness and embarassment fading away as he
looked at the girl.  She seemed not so much angry as frustrated, legs
closed close together, anxiously wringing her hands together.  "It's
not just that I don't think today is a good day, it's..."  She paused.
"It's that I don't think that there's going to be a good day for a long
time now.  I don't know if I'm going to be ready for a while.  I just
don't know."

"Okay," replied Vash, realizing as soon as the words had passed his
lips that he'd said the wrong thing.  He'd only meant that the day had
gone wrong, not that it was a day poorly suited to their first time,
but he knew that he couldn't let the image drop now that Eiko had
created it, even though he found the thought distasteful.  "Fine.  I
guess every time that we said we wanted one another, you were lying.
That makes sense.  That's really -great- to know -now-."

Staring at the girl, Vash could see that his words had cut her deeply,
that he'd hurt her more than he could remember ever having done before,
and he winced internally at the sight.  He wanted to simply lean over
and take her in his arms, to make her feel better, not to have a fight
about something that he truly didn't care about.  Gritting his teeth
slightly, he steeled himself for a fight that he knew was coming as her
mouth opened, reminding himself that there was no other way to keep his
image intact.  "Vash, I -do- want you," the girl replied, her voice
growing slightly angrier even as she looked ready to cry.  "It's got
nothing to do with that.  It's just a really big step, and -"

"And you -don't- -want- -to- -take- -it- -with- -me-," replied Vash,
spitting out each word with staccato inflection and deliberate venom.
He could feel his own ire beginning to rise from the energy of the
argument, becoming angry even though he truly didn't care about the
subject.  "You can't have it both ways, Eiko.  You either want me, or
you -don't.-"  He paused briefly, a thought occuring to him, something
that he knew would sting deeply, would make the girl take notice.  "Or
would you just rather take the step with Neil?"

Eiko's eyes widened at the name, and Vash knew that he'd struck the
exact nerve that he'd intended, feeling at once guilty and pleased with
the fact.  "That's not fair, Koji," she said firmly, Vash painfully
aware that she was angry simply by the fact that she was using his
proper name.  She only called him Koji when she was deathly serious,
and Vash could feel the argument hurtling towards a conclusion, knowing
he was powerless to stop it.  "Neil has nothing to do with this.  Don't
bring him into it."

"I think he has -everything- to do with it," replied Vash, sneering
now, the darkened walls of Hikari's house seeming oddly suited to his
slowly growing volume.  "Why not bring him into it?  He's already right
in the -thick- of it."  The boy shook his head and chuckled weakly.
"After all, it's only after he shows up that you decide you don't want
to go through with something that we'd been planning for -months-, only
then that you start hanging out with someone else more than me."
Vash's lips curled into a rather sinister grin even as he winced
internally, wishing that he could stop, wishing that there was some way
he could avoid hurting the beautiful girl in front of him any further.
"Would you like him to be here right now?  Do you fantasize about him
undressing you?  Are you turned on just by -thinking- about him sliding
his -"

Vash's eyes had lost focus in the rush of angry, hurtful words, as
though the girl in front of him had simply evaporated so that it would
be easier for him to curse at her.  It also meant, however, that he
hadn't seen her hand racing towards his cheek, his first realization
coming as the smooth skin exploded across his face, leaving a stinging
red mark on his cheek that matched the anger he felt towards himself.
Keeping his jaw set, he glanced back towards Eiko, sneering at her
externally as she stared back up at him, her eyes narrow and breath
coming quickly.  Tears were sitting just behind her eyes, and she
stared for only a moment before she began storming for the front door.
"Rushing off to see him?" called the boy, following her with his eyes,
still sneering.  "Want to find out what it feels like to have a gaijin
inside of you?"  He wanted nothing more than to pursue the girl, to
take her in his arms and make her feel better, but he knew that it was
too late, that he had to stay the course no matter what.

Eiko, to his surprise, froze in front of the front door, her hand
resting on the knob as she stared back at Vash.  "I'm leaving because
you -asked- me that, you god-forsaken little -prick-," she snapped,
obviously on the brink of tears despite being absolutely furious with
the boy in front of her.  "You want to know what I want?  Fine.  I want
to find out what it feels like for you to be -alone-.  I want to find
out what it feels like for you to try and find someone else to care
about you."  She shook her head, then yanked the front door open
angrily.  "I want to see if you can find some other girl like you
always say you can.  And I want you to -leave- me the -fuck- -alone-."

The door slammed angrily behind her, and Vash only glared after her for
a moment longer before flopping weakly on Hikari's couch, the soft give
of the fabric feeling almost smothering.  "This is all your fault,
Neil," he muttered, certain that he wouldn't have had to defend his
appearance in front of the girl at all if the other Child hadn't
arrived.  Cursing his fellow pilot, Vash felt a surge of liquid behind
his eyes, and biting his lower lip he turned and pressed his face into
the cushions as his tears began to flow, wishing that there had been
some way to do things differently, that Eiko was still beside him.

                                  ]++[

Nieve had not been able to stop smiling.  She lay back on her bed, book
opened and lying beside her, only a page beyond where she had been the
prior day, indicating much less reading than she was usually able to
accomplish in a morning.  It wasn't that she didn't want to read, it
was simply that every time she picked up the book she found her
thoughts thinking back to the night before and simply falling apart
into smiles and warm memories.  There was simply nothing to be done
except lie back and enjoy the still-remembered sense of what it was
like to make love to Neil, a blush of both joy and girlish embarassment
flooding her cheeks each time that she thought of what they had done.

"It was perfect," she whispered to herself, clutching at the pure white
of her sheets as the sun from her window splayed lightly across her,
across the dark green sleeveless blouse she wore and the knee-length
white shorts.  "It was everything that I wanted."  She took a deep
breath, rolling onto her side and feeling her hair move against the
back of her neck, remembering the way that Neil felt, letting every
touch of the previous night burn into her memory, from the brief moment
of pain at the beginning to each crystal-clear moment of absolute
ecstacy from the boy holding her.  There was still a minor ache in her
lower body, a reminder of the minor pain of lost virginity, but it
didn't dull the memory any, seeming almost to make it seem even more
bittersweet.

Cradling herself in her own arms, Nieve felt slightly alone without
Neil with her, but there was something of him lingering with her yet,
something that she assumed came innately with the simple experience of
making love.  Even though the rush was slowly fading from her body, she
still felt uncommonly whole, as though for once everything had gone
completely right, as though she'd managed to completely regain control
of her life with only one gesture.  "But it wasn't really me in control
last night," she smirked to herself, unsure about how the realization
made her feel, trying casually to push it out of her mind.  "I just led
him where he needed to go."

The sound of an opening door came from the room next to hers, and she
suddenly sat bolt upright in bed, knowing that Neil was at least taking
a momentary break from his schoolwork.  She knew that he had gotten
more or less no time to work on it the day prior, which was the only
reason she was even pretending to be reading instead of hanging around
him as she wanted to.  Smooth legs moving in easy strides, she move
from her bed to her door in one swift motion, throwing the door open
and moving towards Neil without even bothering to pay attention to his
emotions, simply hurling herself about him and pulling him tight with a
joyous smile.  "Hey, hon," she said, voice slightly husky.  "It's good
to see you."

Neil pulled the girl's arms off of him awkwardly, and for a moment
Nieve wondered why until she felt him turn around and embrace her,
pulling her up and kissing her without any prompting.  The pale yellow
of the apartment walls seemed to disappear for the girl, the only thing
on her mind the simple act of kissing the boy that she'd given her
virginity to, feeling utterly safe within his arms, as though
everything was made all right simply with a kiss.  "I'm sorry," he said
softly, letting her down as the kiss ended, his emerald eyes staring
into hers, blonde hair falling down around his face.  "I should have
come over and knocked, but I thought you were reading."

In the back of her mind, Nieve wanted to say outright that there was no
way that she could get any reading done, that all she wanted to do was
lie with him and talk with him and make love to him once again.  She
knew, however, that there was no way she would be able to maintain any
kind of control if she gave in to the impulse, and instead she simply
squeezed him gently, smiling broadly at him.  "You don't have to worry
about that, silly boy," she replied, gently rubbing his back.  "We're
lovers.  You're -supposed- to interrupt me when I'm doing something
else.  So from now on..."  Pausing briefly, she tried to figure out a
way to say what she was thinking without losing her control of the
situation.  "From now on, come right in and start kissing me, all
right?"

"All right," replied Neil, smiling as he leaned over and planted a
quick peck on Nieve's cheek before releasing her and heading towards
the door.  For a moment, the girl thought that he was about to do
something romantic and unexpected, but as she saw him step down into
the lowered area with his shoes she realized that something she hadn't
expected was about to happen, and she felt a minor twinge of pain in
her chest for reasons that she couldn't quite explain.  "When I get
back, I'll do just that," he offered, glancing over towards her quickly
before turning to slip on his shoes.

There was something lingering from the night before that prevented
Nieve from truly being angry with the boy, something that somehow
alleviated the pain of watching him prepare to leave the apartment.
She was certain that it couldn't be any kind of abandonment, knowing
that he had made a connection with her stronger than anything else,
something she found herself almost silently chanting as she watched
him.  "You're leaving?" she asked, trying to simply sound cute and
vaugely upset by the fact, some vague tint of other emotions creeping
under her tone.  "I had hoped we'd have lunch together.  Maybe watch a
movie."  She paused, shifting awkwardly on her feet.  Maybe... we
could..."

Neil froze, then looked back towards the girl with sorrowful eyes,
something that only served to deepen Nieve's confusion.  "I'm sorry,
Nieve," he said again, sounding as though he'd done something horrible,
causing Nieve to unconsciously clench one fist as the yellow walls
about her returned to their solid state in her mind.  "I... I already
made plans with Eiko to meet her for lunch."  He paused, forcing an
awkward-sounding laugh.  "I really don't think either of us expected
what happened last night to happen, you know?"  The boy rubbed the back
of his head for a moment, then his expression drooped to the floor, his
green eyes flicking downward.  "I'm sorry.  I'm really sorry."

Forcing herself to take a deep breath, Nieve tried to take stock of the
situation, reminding herself that Neil was at least apologizing, that
he realized he had done the wrong thing.  One some level, she wanted to
order him simply not to go, to enforce her control through a few simple
words, knowing now that she had the ability to do it.  Somehow, though,
it seemed as though it wouldn't fix the problem, that she wasn't going
to win this fight.  "All right," she replied after a moment, shaking
her head gently, trying to keep it just small enough so that her hair
like liquid fire swished behind her head alluringly.  "But I don't want
you having lunch with her for the rest of the week.  All right?"

A brief silence filled the air, and Nieve wondered if she'd stretched
herself too far, the incredible high of the night before fading with
increasing speed as she stared at the boy.  "All right," he replied at
length, shaking his head ever so gently, looking less as though it was
a defiant gesture and more as though he simply didn't understand her
reasons.  She thought she caught the barest trace of guilt on his face
as he turned back to tying his shoes, but if it had been there at all
it evaporated almost instantly, and she wrote it off in her mind,
knowing that it could well be something she was simply too accustomed
to.  "I'll let her know this afternoon."  He paused.  "We'll spend the
afternoon together, you and I.  There's this really romantic movie from
around the turn of the century that I want to watch with you."

"Sounds good," replied Nieve, winking at the boy as he finished tying
his shoes, his hand already resting on the doorknob, as though he
couldn't leave the apartment fast enough.  Biting her lower lip gently,
the girl forced herself to remember that he was simply going out to see
a friend, trying to call back the memory of his hands upon her skin
from the night before.  "But it better not suck."  A silence hung in
the air momentarily, Neil looking at her as though waiting for her to
say goodbye.  "Have fun.  I love you."

"Love you," replied Neil, almost throwing the door open and stepping
out, shutting it gently behind him and leaving Nieve standing alone in
the apartment.  She stood in place for a time, simply staring at the
brown wood that formed the door, tensing and relaxing her hands in time
with her breathing, forcing herself to remain calm even though she
wanted to do anything but.  "He's just going to see a friend," she
muttered to herself, shaking her head.  "Eiko is just a friend.  He's
mine now.  I won."

Closing her eyes, Nieve tried to summon up memories of the evening
before once again, hoping to blot out the momentary discomfort of the
situation with the unspeakably intense ecstacy of making love the night
before.  It had been more than simply the physical aspect, more than
the electrical connection of her body to what felt like a wall of
unmitigated pleasure.  There was something simply normal about it, a
comfortable moment where she'd felt entirely normal, as though there
was nothing wrong with her body.  "Just a normal girl," she muttered,
liking the sound of it despite herself.  "Just a normal, healthy girl
giving herself to a boy."

The girl sighed, then she shook her head as she heard the hiss of Pen-
Pen's fridge opening, the small black and white bird waddling out with
a characteristic noise.  He stepped out from the kitchen and looked at
Nieve, his wide eyes seeming naturally inquisitive, and the girl smiled
at him, crossing her amrs and squeezing her own shoulders.  "You don't
know how lucky you are, do you?  All you've got to worry about is
whether or not we've put fish in the fridge."

"Waugh!" replied Pen-Pen enthusiastically, turning back towards the
main fridge, as though her comment made a perfectly good suggestion.
Nieve shook her head, then turned back towards her room, hoping that
she could do some kind of reading to take her mind off the situation,
unable to fight down a sense of growing dread knotting itself deep
within her chest even as she remembered the pleasure and simplicity of
the night before.

                                  ]++[

Surprisingly enough, the sun over Tokyo-3 was not particularly glaring,
hidden behind an abundance of white clouds that only let tiny bits of
blue sky peek out from behind them.  It was the sort of day that seemed
perfectly suited to taking a walk, and Neil had suggested the same to
Eiko once they'd finished their lunch half because of that.  The other
reason, however, was the fact that the girl was being unusually silent
and dejected, responding with only curt sentences to Neil's questions,
something that made Neil's internal tension from simply being with the
girl only amplify itself.  So they walked through the terrace of the
school, around the trees and the shrubs, the sparse sun filtering
through the vermillion of the tree branches and splaying like a mosaic
across the gray pavement.  "Nice day out today," he noted, trying to
start some kind of conversation with the girl.  "I don't think it's
been this enjoyable here since I arrived."

"Probably not," replied Eiko, her mind elsewhere, the memories of the
previous night only amplifying from the proximity to Neil.  She
remembered how angry Vash had been with her all too well, and despite
everything she found herself toying with the notion of his suggestion
in the back of her mind.  Much as her parents hated the fact that she
was with Vash, she knew they would hate her being with Neil even more,
and that somehow made the option almost infinitely more appealing.
"I'm sorry, Neil," she announced at length, recalling Vash's angry
words as she cast her eyes towards a small gray squirrel hiding amongst
the bushes.  "I'm not being very good company today."

"I hadn't noticed," Neil lied, trying to keep his tone upbeat.  "Do you
want to talk about it?"  He bit his lip almost immediately afterwards,
and he mentally apologized to Nieve for not doing a better job of
cutting himself off from the girl.  He'd determined that if he could
just seperate from her completely, then he wouldn't ever think of her
after making love to Nieve, something that he wanted very badly.
Whatever else he felt towards Eiko and Nieve, he'd made love to the
Irish girl, and he felt as though he'd betrayed her by thinking of
someone else.  Still, he knew he would have felt guilty about not
asking Eiko what was wrong.

Eiko didn't answer the boy's question immediately, instead letting her
eyes continue to focus on the squirrel.  "Yes," she replied after a
moment, coming to a stop just in front of one of the larger trees,
running over the brown and gnarled trunk with her eyes simply to
distract her thoughts.  "No.  Maybe.  I don't know.  I..."  She paused,
trying to think about whether or not she wanted to talk to Neil about
her and Vash, struggling to think about the question without thinking
about the situation.  "It's kind of personal.  You... you might not
want to hear it."

A brief rush of adrenaline washed over the boy as he stared at the
girl, suddenly worried about what she would say.  He was lethally
afraid that she was about to profess her love for him, and even though
he knew how utterly unrealistic the expectation was, it excited him
somewhat.  Another knot of guilt formed in his stomach, and forcing
himself to simply deal with the situation at hand he put his hand on
the girl's shoulder gently.  "Even if I don't, I'll listen," he
replied, biting his lower lip gently, simply waiting for the girl to
turn her gaze towards him before he forced another smile.

"Vash and I..."  She paused, then shook her head.  "Vash and I tried to
make love last night."  Her voice had dropped notably in volume once
again, a red flush slowly blossoming on her cheeks as her lids
fluttered half-shut.  "It didn't go well, and at the end, he said..."
She paused, then took a deep breath before staring directly into Neil's
deep green eyes, something hiding just behind her own eyes that Neil
couldn't quite place.  "He said that he thought I wanted you instead.
He said that that was why I didn't sleep with him."

Neil wanted to run.  The instant that Eiko's lips formed the words,
even before his ears fully registered the pained melody of her voice,
Neil wanted to run for his life, to go back and huddle in Nieve's arms
and let himself be consumed by guilt that he could do nothing to
prevent.  A question pushed to the surface almost immediately in his
mind, and for a moment he debated over whether or not to ask it before
he decided that he couldn't possibly make the situation any worse than
it already was.  "Do you?" he asked, his voice only slightly halting.

Eiko giggled weakly, somewhat surprised that the boy had actually been
brave enough to ask the question at all.  She was about to say no when
she let herself take in the proximity of Neil, her mind wrapping around
the concept.  Something inside of her wanted not to say no, as though
it would obliviate the possibility completely, as though it was simply
an option that she wasn't ready to discard outright.  "It's not why I
didn't want to sleep with him, I promise you," she said after a moment,
knowing it was a minor lie.  "But... but he was so angry..."  She
paused.  "I think we might be breaking up."

Staring at Eiko, Neil wished that the girl had said no.  If she'd
simply said that she didn't want him, his life would be infinitely
easier, and he wouldn't have to make any difficult decisions - he would
simply blot out all memory of the horrible thought that he'd had,
simply move on with Nieve.  It was that closure that he needed from
her, something she'd denied him by not answering the question, and
despite himself he found he was angrier with her than he was with
himself.  That faded within an instant, but still he simply wanted to
know what was going on, for the girl to say that she didn't want him.
He only noticed at the last moment that she was saying something, and
only looked up in time to see a fist hurtling directly towards his face.

The blow hit with the force of a freight train against a toothpick by
Neil's estimation, and he felt himself fall backwards, hitting the
mosaic-lighted pavement roughly and wincing from both the punch and the
impact against the ground.  His reflexes had changed since he had begun
piloting the Eva, however, and instead of simply staying where he was
he scrambled to his feet, moving backwards to avoid getting hit again,
the whistling noise of air letting him know that he'd barely avoided
precisely that.  Blinking once, he turned his gaze towards his
assailant, the spiky blonde hair telling him immediately who he was
facing.  "Vash," he said dejectedly, feeling only distantly relieved by
the presence of a distraction.  "What do you want?"

"Closure," replied Vash, quickly stepping forward and letting another
punch lash out towards the boy in front of him.  He wasn't a trained
fighter, and he knew that, but he'd had more than enough practice from
EVA-03, and even besides that he was certain that he had more skill
than Neil.  The other boy stumbled back, but Vash was unconcerned,
balancing on the balls of his feet as he removed his black windbreaker
and threw it to the ground.  "You and I, we have unfinished business
from the first day you were here.  Toji Suzuhara's still in the
hospital, and I still owe you a beating."

"Vash, I don't want to -"  Neil never got a chance to finish the
sentence, distracted by the effort of stepping back away from another
one of Vash's punches, the boy's hand flying wide as he glared at the
other, Neil's feet moving swiftly as Vash continued to assault him.  It
was a steady pattern, enough for him to fall into his own pattern of
dodging and trying to speak again.  "Listen, Vash, I'm sorry about
Eiko's brother.  But I didn't do anything to her, and I'm not going to
fight you.  I -"

Once again, Neil was cut short, this time by the sensation of Vash's
knee firmly lodging itself in his gut, the motion too fast for Neil to
dodge without his full attention.  It was painful, a fast enough blow
to knock the wind out of Neil, but Neil had also still not forgotten
the pain of having something rammed through his chest or his skull.
Forcing himself to ignore the pain, Neil placed his hands firmly on
Vash's chest and shoved the other boy back, a gesture that only served
to further enrage him.  "I don't want to fight you," he sneered,
lunging towards Neil again.  "I want to make you -hurt-!"

Neil could feel the rage of battle rising in the back of his head, the
sort of crimson sensation flooding through his body as he more or less
hurled himself sideways, the slight blurring of his vision that he'd
grown accustomed to from being inside of the Eva.  It was intense, and
it took all the focus he had to avoid hurling his fist into Vash, an
effort that increasingly felt as though it wasn't worth it.  More thatn
he wanted to admit, he felt as though hitting the boy swinging angrily
towards him would fix everything, would solve all of the problems that
he was having with Eiko and Nieve.  He hated himself for feeling it,
but as he swung aside and away from another vicious blow coming from
Vash, he couldn't help but feel his fists clench.

Then Vash feinted to the side quickly, forcing Neil to dodge into a
momentarily sun-lit patch, the bright light of the sun's golden rays
striking and blinding him just enough to blur Vash's form beyond
identification.  A fist hit him hard in the jaw, then another in the
chest, sending the boy staggering backwards, vision whirling about as
he tried to pick out his attacker once again.  He was only distantly
aware of the onlookers gathered about him, catching a glimpse of a boy
who might have been Kensuke as he staggered backwards and barely swung
away from another punch.  "That's it, you little bastard.  Bleed.  You
deserve it."

Swinging aside once again, Neil touched a finger to his lip where Vash
had struck him, feeling the warm stickiness of a thin trickle of
blood.  Anyone watching his eyes closely would have noticed something
come over them at that instant, but nobody saw closely enough to notice
it, and the only gesture of his face was that his eyes suddenly
narrowed from anger.  Vash lunged at him once again, but this time the
boy was ready, and both of his hands shot out, grabbing the other boy's
wrists and shoving his fists off of their course.  "You don't know what
hurting -is-," he hissed, tightening his fist slightly even as Vash
angrily tried to yank his arms free.

Almost as though it was afraid of what would happen if the fight
progressed, the Angel alarm suddenly screamed to life, its loud wailing
cutting through the air and stilling all of the onlooking students for
a moment.  Then the crowd dispersed and began to run for the shelters
as Vash and Neil remained locked in place, both glaring at one another,
Vash's gaze passionate and Neil's oddly inhuman, almost serene in its
fury.  Standing a few feet away, Eiko wondered for a moment if the two
would break apart, if even the threat of an Angel would stay them from
their course after so much anger.

The moment passed, and Neil's anger suddenly seemed to evaporate,
erased by the same sort of nervous expression that he'd worn when the
fight had begun, the realization that he'd let his rage get the best of
him driving through his chest like a white-hot spike.  Vash took the
opportunity to tear his arms away, still glaring at the boy for a
moment before turning and starting to walk towards the nearest entrance
to Central Dogma.  "This isn't over, Neil," he spat, beginning to pick
up the pace slightly.  "We'll finish this once the Angel is destroyed."

Neil might have nodded, or he might have simply stared at his right
hand without moving.  Either fact would not have surprised him, and
either way he was completely focused on his hand, wondering what he had
been thinking.  He had wanted to hurt Vash, too, not just in the sort
of passionate way that the other boy had wanted but in genuine
bloodlust.  He'd wanted to feel the other boy's jaw slam against his
fist, wanted to hear Vash cry out in pain, wanted to make the other
Child feel exactly what he wanted.  Gritting his teeth and frowning at
himself, he took off towards the NERV entrance as well, thoughts of
Eiko and Nieve buried momentarily beneath a new regret.

                                  ]++[

"It was stupid of me to go in the first place," Misato muttered to
herself, flicking her brown eyes towards the elevator as she heard the
doors hissing open, knowing full well that it was Ritsuko arriving at
long last.  She didn't know why she'd thought it would have been good
for her to go out with Ritsuko and Kaji, and in retrospect it was
outright moronic of her.  The night had been fun at first, then quickly
had reduced itself to awkward tension painted over by artificial
politenes on her part, neither facet something she particularly
enjoyed.  It made some sort of ironic sense, at least to her, that the
Twelfth Angel had chosen the day after to attack Tokyo-3, as though it
was mocking her for even trying.  "Makoto, do you have anything more
concrete on the Angel yet?"

Flicking his eyes quickly towards the main screen, the young man shook
his head, a few strands of pale brown hair falling against the thin
layer of cold sweat on his forehead.  All that was pictured on the main
screen was a black and white orb, the two colors splaying over one
another like a glass marble.  It hovered in the air, only slowly
drifting towards Tokyo-3, a black shadow beneath it far too large for
the small size of the orb.  "No data on the target," he replied
bluntly, letting his fingers dance across the keyboard.  "Pattern is
confirmed blue, but the AT Field isn't registering on our scanners
above the fourth level.  It's as though the Angel hasn't deployed it."

Misato frowned briefly, then sighed inwardly and turned towards
Ritsuko, the other woman leaning over Maya's console and studying the
patterns flashing across the console screen.  "Ritsuko," she said, a
bit softer than she'd intended, trying not to garner the direct
attention of Commander Ikari as the man stared stoically at the scene
unfolding on the main screen.  "What's the status of the Evas?"

"All operational," replied Ritsuko calmly, either not at all concerned
with the events of the previous night or simply not caring.  It was
disconserting for Misato either way, but she also knew that it was
hardly the time for her to bring it up.  "Niobe's passed 55%
synchronization already.  Ryo's still at 40% - there's some neural
interference that seems unusual, but I can't figure out for the life of
me what it might be.  It's probably best to just send him out and hope
that the ratio corrects itself with a little time."

Nodding, Misato turned towards Shigeru, motioning for the
communications officer to open a line with the Evas in the hangar, the
only real thought going through her head the simple fact that she
wanted to be almost anywhere else.  Taking a deep breath, she turned
towards the microphone as Shigeru flashed a sign of approval, focusing
on the image of the Angel in front of her, keeping her mind on the task
at hand as best she could.  "All right, the twelfth Angel is
approaching right now, and we're not certain of its capabilities.
We're going to deploy you all near the center of the city, but we're
holding half of you back until we're more certain of what the Angel can
do.  Niobe, Eiko, and Ryo will remain by their launch ports, while -"

"Send me in against the Angel!" demanded Niobe, her voice cutting
through Misato's with both its intensity and its volume.  A small
windowbox view of the girl came onto the main screen, her face
resolute, something lurking just behind it that Misato couldn't
immediately place.  "I can do it, Misato.  Please."

Were the situation not a crisis, Misato would have taken the time to
step away and take a few deep breaths, to try and keep herself calm
even though the world seemed to be conspiring against her.  "Fine," she
muttered, shaking her head, knowing that EVA-02 would probably have
fared better in close combat but not willing to argue.  "-Nieve-, Eiko,
and Ryo, you'll remain by your launch ports.  -Niobe-, Neil, and Vash,
you'll head out towards the Angel and attempt to engage it."

Vash's portrait popped onto the screen, and knowing that things could
only continue to get worse Misato began to take deep breaths, counting
slowly in the back of her mind.  "Are you sure want to place Neil's
worthless little machine out there?" he asked, an uncommonly sinister
grin on his face.  "After all, it's just the testbed Eva.  It's not a
fully functional model.  A lot like the kid piloting it."

"The hell you would know," snapped Neil, his own portraiit popping onto
the screen next to Vash even as Niobe's vanished.  There was anger on
his face, but the hints of something greater were lurking just beneath
the surface, dulled by the size of the picture and boy the boy
himself.  "You've barely been in combat with the thing, and the first
time you go out, you aren't even able to do anything."

"At least I didn't destroy half of the city!" snapped Vash, the smug
nastiness from before replaced with outright anger as he glared at what
Misato coiuld only assume was Neil.  "I know -one- person you put in
the hospital with your little stunt back then - how many do you think
you -killed-?"

Misato recognized the look on Neil's face, the wince that he always
made when he seemed to find something new to feel bad about, something
that Misato couldn't put an exact name to but still recognizable.  It
faded in an instant, though, and his expression changed back to the
same sort of restrained anger as she began counting her breaths again.
"Here's an idea, then - how about I just let the damn Angel crush you
and your godforsaken hellhole of a city?  Or, better yet, I find -you-
and crush -you- personally?  An empty entry plug could probably do a
better job of piloting that machine than you -"

"-Children!-" snapped Misato, her patience exhausted and a thin layer
of cold sweat already coating her forehead.  Both Neil and Vash stopped
rather tensely, and Misato waved weakly towards Shigeru for him to cut
off the transmission.  Both portraits winked out, and Misato shook her
head, letting her purple hair flutter slightly behind her.  "Maya,
launch the Evas into the central port cluster.  01 along route 16, 00
along route 22.  You know where the rest should go."  She sighed,
listening to the young woman at the console hit the necessary buttons,
Misato's eyes already focusing on the silver metal of the command
center instead of the main screen as she felt her muscles tense.

A moment passed, the sound of the Evas launching filling the command
center, and Misato half-heard the small intake of breath from Ritsuko's
direction that she recognized from their days together in college, a
gesture the blonde woman had always used as her own personal way of
indicating she was uneasy.  Forcing herself back to a standing
position, Misato looked towards the woman, only able to see her back as
the scientist leaned down towards Maya.  "Prepare the dummy plugs for
EVA-01 and EVA-03, just in case," she said, her voice sounding a little
tired, as though hearing the two boys arguing had sucked the energy out
of her.

Ritsuko's tone, however, was not the first thing that caught Misato's
attention.  "What do you mean, 'prepare the dummy plugs?'" she asked
curtly, drawing the other woman's attention towards her swiftly.  "I
thought that the test was aborted."

"It was," replied Ritsuko, shaking her head slightly and letting out a
small sigh.  "But not before we were able to gather some data from the
Children, enough to activate the system in its most rudimentary form."
She shook her head again, staring towards the screen, divided to show
the six Evas as they raced upwards towards their exit ports.  "We
imagine that the system can reach a maximum synchronization of 25% -
enough to keep the machine operational, but it'll more or less be a
sitting duck."

"What about the pilots?" asked Misato, stepping closer to Ritsuko,
unnerved by the woman's cavalier attitude towards the situation.  "Will
they still be synchronized with their Evas?"  She forced herself to
remain calm, to try not to lose control in front of her commander,
studying the look on Ritsuko's face momentarily and getting all of the
answer that she needed.  "They will, won't they?"

"To be honest, I'm not entirely sure," replied Ritsuko, a forced
lightness in her voice as she stared up at the main display, the
smallest smile creeping around the edges of her lips.  "After all,
we've never had a field trial, or for that matter a full laboratory
test.  If we take over from the pilot, though, I'd imagine that they'd
still be able to feel what the Eva experiences."

Misato didn't know what to say immediately, and instead she chose to
simply turn her gaze back towards the main screen, watching the Evas
race towards the surface,  their colors blurring with the speed of
motion.  "You'd do that?" she asked quietly, the direction of her
question obvious, tone low enough to be lost amongst the noises of the
technicians on the levels below.  "You'd replace the Children with
machines?"

"You saw what was going on with the Third and the Fourth," replied
Ritsuko, her tone condescending, as though she didn't feel they
deserved to have their names spoken.  She had flicked her gaze away
from the main screen, down towards the crimson tops of the housings for
the Magi.  "This is the fate of the planet we're talking about.  If we
can't rely on the Children, I'd be more than happy to entrust it to
something we -can- rely on.

Neil had grown accustomed to not liking the way that it felt to have
the Eva's mind synchronize with his, to feeling uncomfortable every
time he breathed in the blood-scented liquid that flooded the entry
plug.  Every time he found himself approaching a combat situation, he
felt the back of his mind begin to flood with bloodlust, with the
desire to simply hurt something, and he hated it.  This time, however,
the Eva didn't wait for the Angel or even for him to reach the surface,
its brain wrapping around his like a bloodstained comforter, a
disturbing feeling to say the least.  Trying to force his mind to
focus, he let himself take in the scenery as he reached the end of the
launch tube, letting himself get his bearings as the Eva lurched to a
stop and the scenery of Tokyo-3 came into view around him.  He could
hear the other Evas emerging around him, and taking a deep breath he
began to move his machine towards the weapons depot, drawing out the
first weapon that he could find.

He gaped for the barest moment as he realized that he'd pulled out a
gigantic spear before Vash slammed his black machine into Neil's side,
just hard enough to force him to stumble to one side, throwing him off-
balance.  Neil glared at the boy as his mouth filled with the salty
taste of blood, but Vash didn't even turn the head of his black golem
towards Neil, simply retrieved a standard-issue rifle and turned in the
direction of the Angel.  "Sorry," he said, his voice leaving no doubt
to his true emotions on the subject.  "I stepped a little too far."

Another deep breath of LCL calmed Neil down enough to ignore Vash, and
he began to move towards the Angel along with EVA-03 and EVA-05, trying
to fight down the anger in his head lingering from Vash's earlier
assault in the schoolyard.  Under the cloudy skies, the Angel was
slowly coming into focus, the blue-white marble hovering above what
seemed to be a black abyss.  "Angel within visible range," said Neil,
knowing that anger was creeping into his tone despite himself, that his
hands were already clenching the handles of the cockpit tightly.  "What
do you want us to do now, Misato?"

"Christ, can't you do anything without Misato's help?" asked Vash with
a sneer, cutting off the commander's words before they had even escaped
her mouth.  Neil whirled the gaze of his machine towards Vash, but the
other boy's Eva remained fixated on the Angel, cradling the rifle in
his arms.  Vash could see him out of the corner of his eyes, and as far
as he was concerned that was more than enough, taking some small
pleasure in seeing the other boy get riled up.  "No wonder you did such
a lousy job against the Third Angel.  Misato probably hadn't learned to
talk fast enough."

"Shut up, Vash," snarled Neil, his anger growing, feeling a vague surge
of guilt through the back of his mind as his grip tightened further
against the handrests.  He didn't want to be angry with Vash, and he
forced himself to train his eyes on the Angel and the white buildings
crowding around the orb, blocking Vash's words as best he could.
"Misato, what do you want us to do?"  Above him, he could see the
clouds beginning to bunch together and grow darker, the implications
obvious to him, trying to wash out the smell of blood from his nose and
the anger growing in the back of his mind.

In the command center, Misato could see Ritsuko visibly tensing, her
blue-gray eyes staring with rigid focus towards the main screen
disapprovingly.  She could hardly blame the other woman, which only
made things worse - what she really wanted to do was take both of the
boys aside and tell them to behave themselves, as though they were
simply being rowdy in a classroom instead of piloting gigantic war
machines.  "Hold your distance from the Angel, and split up as much as
possible," she replied, trying to sound harsh enough to scare Vash into
being obedient.  "Observe its motions."  She paused, then put one hand
over the microphone, glancing over towards Makoto in hopes that he'd
managed to put together something more concrete about the Angel.

Makoto shook his head as he caught the woman's stare, and she sighed as
she stared back towards the main screen, watching the Angel move.  "Our
sensors aren't even able to determine the physical properties of the
Angel.  No AT field, no discernable substance..."  He paused, shaking
his head for a moment and drawing Misato's attention back towards him
almost inadvertantly.  "It's like it's a ghost.  Something that doesn't
exist to us."

Vash had heard and obeyed Misato's order, and he was flanking the
Angel, training his rifle on the marble-colored beast hovering through
the buildings.  His mind was elsewhere, however, still angry at Neil
for the situation the boy had placed him in, certain that it was
ultimately his fault that there had been a falling-out with Eiko.  In
the back of his mind, he knew that he was being immature about the
situation, but he had no desire to focus on that, instead, keeping his
eyes trained on the Angel and watching Neil from the corner of his
eyes.  "Good job picking a spear there, Neil," he said, sneering
slightly as he continued moving.  "I'm sure that it's a really good
choice over a gun.  Because you've had such a great track record when
fighting something hand to hand."

Had Neil been given a spare moment, he would have at least have been
happy with the fact that he had been sufficiently distracted from the
awkward situation with Nieve to not worry about it, though he probably
would have begun worrying about it as soon as he realized the fact.  As
it stood, however, he found himself fighting to simply keep his anger
below the surface, to avoid doing what he wanted to Vash, knowing that
he had a bigger responsibility.  "Enough, Vash," he snarled, holding
the spear at the ready as best he could, knowing full well that it
would be an awkward weapon if the time came to use it.  The blood-scent
began to fade from his nose as he breathed slowly, forcing himself to
calm down even as he felt the mind of the Eva urging him on.

Nieve frowned as she watched the Evas in the distance circle the Angel,
somewhat worried by the conversation going on between Vash and Neil.
It was worrisome enough that she wasn't over there to keep a handle on
the situation, but Vash was sounding distinctly unreliable, as though
he was somehow jealous of the boy.  Thinking for a moment, Nieve
reached over and flicked open a private channel with Eiko.  "Hey,
Suzuhara," she snapped, certain that she was pronouncing the other
girl's last name wrong and not particularly worried by it.  "What's
going on with Vash?  He's your boyfriend, isn't he?"

"That's open to debate," replied Eiko curtly, her gaze also fixed in
the distance, flicking back and forth between 03 and 01, both moving
with surprisingly similar caution, as though the two boys were thinking
the same even as they shouted at one another.  She was worried about
Neil, certain that Vash might be willing to do something stupid, but
she was also concerned about Vash despite herself, still wanting him
not to be so angry with her.  "It's probably just more of the fight
they were having at lunchtime."

Feeling her hands spasm involuntarily, Nieve turned her gaze back
towards the purple form of Neil's Eva, frowning and feeling the intense
urge to rush forward and defend him.  She knew that Neil wouldn't do
anything, but she also knew that Vash was probably stupid enough to try
something, and she didn't know what Neil would do in such a situation.
"Be careful, Neil," she muttered, leaning forward slightly as the
clouds above her began to let loose a small drizzle of rain, wet
droplets splattering against the back of her crimson machine.

Vash and Neil were on opposite sides of the Angel now, both of them
slowly circling it in one direction at varying speeds, their paths
changing slowly as it moved closer to their original launch ports.
"Why don't you make a go for it, Neil?" taunted Vash, feeling better
simply by how visibly the boy was becoming unnerved, his steps with the
Eva growing less confident, hs motions becoming visibly sloppier.  "You
don't need to train for it or anything.  Just go right in.  Rush in and
get yourself hurt."  He sneered.  "Or get other people hurt.  Either
way, it's not like you don't get to be the golden boy, right?  What
does it -"

"-ENOUGH-!" snapped Neil, finally at the breaking point, unable to see
his Eva's eyes briefly flash green as he changed his grip on the
spear.  He was tired of being heckled, but he knew that it would only
make things worse to go after Vash directly, and he knew that he did
have an obvious target for his anger.  Gritting his teeth, he swung the
spear low to his side as he dropped into a crouch, letting the point of
the weapon scrape against the pavement slightly.  "I don't hurt people
with this machine.  I -protect- them."

Neil could distantly hear Misato shouting something to him, but he
didn't care as he launched his machine into the air, the muscles of the
Eva coiling and throwing him towards the Angel's position even as it
slowly drifted forward.  The scent of blood was everywhere, and as he
felt his field of vision begin to go red he turned the spear and let
the point jut out, his trajectory bringing him directly in line with
the Angel, coming towards the orb in just the right way to drive his
weapon straight through it.  In the back of his mind, he wanted to calm
the anger, control it once again, but his thoughts were being buried
under the waves of fury that Vash had goaded him into, and without
further thought he let out a battle cry and jabbed the spear forward,
letting the point break through the black and white surface of the
hovering orb.

Though he wanted to forget, Neil still remembered what it felt like to
stab the schoolyard bully with a pencil, and he'd never forgotten the
unique sort of pressure that came from driving something through the
body of another.  He felt no such pressure as the spear jabbed through
the orb, enough to let him know that something was wrong even as the
others around him saw the spear pass through the orb as though it was
nothing, the long haft whistling through the air as Neil began to
descend once more.  Some part of his mind knew that he should say
something to Misato, but his thoughts were elsewhere as he felt his Eva
crash to the ground, dropping to a crouch once again and preparing to
spring back towards the orb, the spear now gripped in one hand as the
left pressed against the ground between his legs.

Letting the muscles in his machine tense once again, Neil gave a mighty
push, his eyes focused on the orb hovering above him and intending to
go straight through the sphere this time.  With a deep breath of blood-
salted LCL, he let himself push off once again, expecting to feel his
machine launch itself into the air towards his destination without a
problem.  Instead, he felt a momentary lurch and only a tiny amount of
movement from his Eva.  Glancing downwards immediately, he stared at
the ground for just a second, seeing the black shadow of the Angel
beginning to encroach upon his machine's purple surface.

It took him a moment to realize what was going on, and his eyes widened
in shock as he felt the machine starting to sink down into nothingness,
anger forgotten in a moment of abject terror.  "I'm sinking!" he
shouted, putting all of his force into his left arm and tearing the
hand off of the ground.  Glancing up once again, he stood to his full
height and tried to stab the spear upwards into the orb once again,
holding it at the very end of the haft as it drove up.  The blade
penetrated the black and white surface, but once again Neil could feel
no resistance, knowing that he'd done nothing.  "The Angel's orb isn't
important!  It can't be harmed!"

Vash felt only vaguely conflicted as he watched the purple golem in
front of him whirl the spear about, stabbing it into the nearest
building and trying to pull itself out of the blackness even as it sank
down to its ankles.  Then he looked down to realize that the pool of
nothingness was expanding in his direction, only a meter or so away
from his feet.  "It's growing," he snapped, taking a step backwards
before moving back towards the entry ports, knowing full well to move
around the black oblivion.  "Better get yourself out of there, Neil.
It's you're own stupid fault for jumping in there anyways."

Neil would have said something, but he was far too concerned with not
getting sucked into the void, feeling it creep up the backs of his legs
even as he struggled, like some sort of inescapable quicksand.  It felt
like sandpaper rubbing across his skin, a minor pain that only served
to accent his fear of being swallowed by the nothingness.  Jaw set
firmly, he pushed as hard as he could against the spear, trying to pull
himself upwards, only to find that the building he'd driven the spear
into simply sank deeper into the mire itself.  "I can't pull myself
out!" he shouted, wondering if Misato was even listening to him.

"Cut Neil off from communications," snapped Misato, feeling a tension
in her chest as she said the words, as though she was sentencing the
boy to his death.  Shigeru hesitated a moment, then did as she asked,
his fingers moving swiftly across the console.  "We're withdrawing from
the situation.  Nieve, Eiko, Ryo, prepare for immediate recall.  Niobe,
Vash, if your ports are inaccessible, head for the nearest available
entrance as fast as possible."

"Wait just one damned minute!" snapped Nieve, slamming a fist against
the nearest handrest, fully aware of what was going on.  "Nieve's still
trapped inside that thing!  We've got to do something!'  She paused,
feeling tears coming out of her eyes despite herself, feeling the port
beneath her begin to open up to bring her back to the lower level.

"I plan to, Nieve," replied Misato, taking a deep breath.  "I just
don't know what."  She gestured to Shigeru, and the comm line to the
other Eva pilots was cut off, the air silent for a moment as Misato
stared at the main screen.  "Shigeru, open the lines again, this time
with all of the pilots on.  Maya, reel in the power cable.  Divert all
available power to the winch."

Though Neil could still see outside of his Eva, he was not glancing
behind himself, couldn't see the black cable plugged firmly into his
Eva's back begin to tense and then withdraw with surprising speed, the
cord vanishing back into the supply port from where it had originated.
He did, however, notice the sudden sharp pain in the middle of his back
as it began to reach its limit, the cord still straining to tighten
further, pulling his Eva ever so slightly out of the black muck.  Neil
could only distantly appreciate the tug of war between the power cable
and the muck around his lower legs, but below the surface in the
control cetner Misato couldn't help but smile as she watched him begin
to emerge, the purple form of his Eva slowly rising from the shadow.

Her smile faded the instant that she saw the cable snap, the Eva's
knees quickly sinking back into the oblivion beneath them as Neil's
panicked gaze turned downward.  "God damn it," she snarled, resisting
the urge to hit something.  "Maya, set all of the internal charges in
the entry port to go off.  We need to eject to the maximum possible
range."  She paused, staring at the Eva as it sank down to the middle
of his hips.  "Now!"

"Ejecting entry plug!" announced Maya, slamming down a button on her
console, waiting for a moment as the Eva seemed unwilling to react to
the command.  Misato felt her body tense as she watched the back of the
machine remain stationary, the entry plug remaining within the Eva.
"Ejection command rejected!  The Eva is refusing all external feeds up
to level fifteen!"

Neil couldn't hear Maya's voice, couldn't see the panicked faces of the
staff on the command level as he struggled, trying to pull himself out
of the Angel, all other thoughts evaporating out of sheer terror.
"Somebody, help me," he shouted, obviously trying to remain calm as the
sensation of sandpaper against his skin spread throughout his body.
"Help me.  Help me!"  No response came, and he could feel it encompass
his lower body as he sank deeper, his hands furiously pumping back and
forth on the handrests.  "Help me!  Nieve, Eiko, Misato - somebody!
Help me!  HELP -"

The boy's voice cut off as the Eva's sinking accelerated, and the upper
torso of the Eva vanished into the block nothingness, swiftly followed
by the head of the Eva as well.  For an instant, the twin black
shoulder flanges and the horn of its helmet continued to peek out from
the midnight-black surface of the shadow, then those last remnants also
vanished beneath the surface, swallowed by the nothingness and leaving
no evidence that the Eva unit had ever been there.

                                  ]++[

Pulsing, screaming waves of blood buffeting against naked skin, oddly
comforting in their warmth, striking against Neil with gentle force,
the world a haze of red and black wrapped in a fish-eye style about
what seemed to be a single green eye.  The world was silent as Neil
remembered the day he gave birth to his son, the panting and breathing,
the hard tension uncut by sedatives despite the insistence of the man
at his side, a pressure rippling up along his womb, blood spilling out
and cradling the infant, the blood temperature just like the cockpit of
the Eva, smooth against naked skin, like silky fire with hidden poison -

Within Neil's mind, something railed against the sudden incoherence as
his memory unwove itself backwards, every cell in his body straining,
the gray matter of his head sparking together and trying to reassert
what he knew was true.  Gritting his teeth against the strands of flesh
left drifting in the blood-red ocean of menstrual fluid and LCL, he
forced his eyes open, a momentary wash of red passing over the green
orbs befor he found himself lying in a teal-gray metal room, apparently
passed out on the floor.  He blinked once, then glanced down at his
body, seeing that he was still wearing his plugsuit.

Shaking his head, he looked about the room, seeing the computer
consoles that he'd grown to expect from the testing booths of NERV, a
single wide window looking out into a darkened room beyond.  Taking a
deep breath, feeling a surge of LCL-laced air hit his lungs, he forced
himself to his feet, the entire room feeling as though it sloped to one
side as he staggered over to the window, past rows of computers, light
only falling about him and making the computers look oddly inimical.
With uneasy steps, he walked to the window, staring out what seemed to
be a contained winter.

The boy frowned, then pressed his face closer to the window, trying to
get a better look at what was out in the hangar.  Without warning, his
eyes snapped shut of their own accord, and he felt the ocean of blood
about him once again, this time tearing into him with tiny knives of
ice, washing down his lungs uninvited and choking him into submission
as he screamed without noise.  His back arched, his body spasmed, and
his eyes flew open once again, lying on his back in the same room as
before, the lights this time deactivated within the room but active in
the hangar outside.

"Hello?" he screamed, feeling the metal begin to chill against his back
for no apparent reason, his echo hitting the computers and seeming to
take physical form as a shimmering blood-red wave cutting through the
silent and darkened air.  Shaking his head, he forced himself back to
his feet, looking out the window once again, the temperature in the
room dropping even further.

What lay beyond the silent and darkened and threatening computer room
was a massive chunk of ice, the frost from it flooding through the
entire hangar, bright lights shone on it from every possible anger.
Staring hard, Neil could see the vague hints of a dark outline within
the ice, and frowning he pressed harder against the window, noticing
the green iris that seemed all too familiar.  Something momentarily
made him wonder if he was looking at himself in the ice, but a second
later the ice suddenly melted, revealing the purple form of EVA-01
sitting in a puddle of water, leaning up against the back wall of the
hangar.

Once again, without warning, the entire room shook, and Neil felt
himself fall away from the window as the metal floor heated up once
again, sending small darts of flaming pain through the thin fabric of
the plugsuit for a moment before it subsided as Neil blinked.  The
moment his eyes closed, he felt himself coughing again, this time
immersed in water, feeling something rough sticking from his chest, a
vague white form in front of him as he bled from a wound that felt
impossibly deep.  His arms reached up to stop his assailant, then his
eyes opened again and he found himself curled in a ball against the
wall with the window, still wearing his plugsuit, the suit now smeared
with dried LCL despite the fact that he felt none of the liquid in his
hair.

"Who are you?"  The voice was light, almost childlike, but it was
angry, and Neil whipped his head around to see a woman standing in the
doorway to the room, wearing a white lab coat over what seemed to be
another plugsuit, the lights over Neil snapping on just enough to allow
him the minor glimpse of her.  "Tell me who you are."

"I'm..."  He paused, then struggled to his feet again.  "I'm Neil
Richelieu, the Third Child.  I - I pilot EVA-01."  He paused, then
glanced out the window, seeing now nothing but a darkened hangar.
"Um... it was out there before, but I don't think you can see it now.
To be honest, I don't know how I got in here - I was -"

"You are not supposed to be here," the woman interjected, walking
towards Neil.  As she drew closer, Neil could see that she was indeed
wearing a plugsuit, colored and structured like Neil's instead of the
standard female suits, navy blue and white interplaying over the suit.
"This is not your place.  This is mine."  She paused, her motions
stopping, the light falling short of revealing anything above her waist
in any real detail.  "Where is my son?"

Neil stared for a moment, then shook his head, blinking and briefly
feeling the blood wash over him once again.  There was soemthing
familiar about the woman, something that he felt beneath his skin,
something he couldn't put into words.  "I... I don't know who your son
is," he replied, trying to figure out why she seemed familiar.  He knew
it wasn't Ritsuko or Misato, nobody that he could remember ever seeing
before, but as he backed against the wall with the window he felt as
though he should know her name, or at least her presence.  "I don't
know where he is.  Where am I?"

"This is not for you!" she snapped, stepping fully into the light.
Neil felt even more certain that he recognized the woman as he stared
at her, the fragile structure of her face, the thin brown hair falling
around her face, the quick blue eyes, but something about her seemed
wrong, as though he'd only seen her in different circumstances.  "Where
is my son?  Tell me where my son is!"

"Who -are- you?" asked Neil, beginning to grow terrified, distantly
aware of a green light beginning to flood through the hangar behind
him.  The woman was obviously growing distraught, and he could see she
was clenching her hands into fists slowly and steadily.  "I'm sorry if
I'm not supposed to be here, but I don't know what's going on!  Tell me
who you -"

"GIVE ME MY SON!" screamed the woman, her hands reaching up and
gripping Neil firmly around the throat, pressing hard aganst his
windpipe and lifting him up against the window.  Her face was contorted
into a fury, but it seemed uncomfortable there, something Neil felt
himself thinking even as he felt the warmth of LCL and blood fill his
lungs.  "This is for -him-, don't you realize it?  I did this all to
keep -him- safe!  If you are not my son, -get- -out-!"

Struggling to breathe, Neil felt his lips opening in a silent scream of
agony, and as he looked down at the woman he suddenly realized the
vague recognition - she looked almost like a female version of Ryo, as
though the two were twins.  Then he felt a searing pain through his
chest, and two holes burst through the center of his chest, geysers of
blood erupting from each hole and splattering against the woman's face
and hair even as she became visibly shocked.  Neil felt his chest tear
itself apart, and his eyes flew wide open, distantly noticing a vague
light shining from them for just a moment.  Then he heard a noise from
behind him, and a massive hand tore through the wall, gripping both him
and the woman...

Before the hand could close on him and the woman, as he had no doubt
that it would, Neil felt himself lurch back to wakefulness with a
cough, his eyes opening slowly to a dull red-orange sea of LCL
surrounding him.  "The Angel," he muttered, his memory returning to him
as he glanced around the cockpit, wondering if the video feed had
simply been shut off or if he was inside the Angel still.  Taking a
deep breath, he tasted the salt of the LCL distantly before leaning
towards the small display of battery time on his cockpit, ssing that it
was slowly counting down.

"The power cord," he whispered to himself, finding himself slowly
reliving the situation in his mind.  "That's what the tugging sensation
must have been, the thing that was pulling me out.  And then it got
disconnected, and the Eva was sucked down..."  He paused for a moment,
the weight of the situation sinking in even as he tried to block it
from his memory.  "I must be inside of the Angel, still.  The Eva's
automatically switched to emergency power within the new environment."

Forcing himself not to panic, Neil glanced down at the battery life
display, trying to determine how long he'd been down in the Eva without
human contact.  The timer read that he had fifteen hours of power
remaining, and while his heart made a momentary leap, he realized that
the Eva must have shifted to bare life support, that it had cut itself
off in order to conserve power.  It was something Misato had discussed
with him briefly when he'd first begun training inside of the Eva, and
he tried to cast his memory back to the briefing, trying to recall how
long the Eva could survive as a simple life-support system.

"Each Evangelion unit is fitted with an emergency battery, five minutes
of life under normal operating parameters..."  He frowned, struggling
to recall the exact number that she'd given him, speaking aloud simply
to help fight against the loneliness of the cockpit as the waves of LCL
washed over him.  "Sixteen hours.  And considering that I was flailing
in the Eva on emergency supplies..."  He paused, trying to figure out
the math in his head for how much battery power he might have used,
then stopped and shook his head.  "I probably haven't been down here
for very long.  Must have just blacked out when the Angel sucked me in."

Sighing, Neil idly checked the radio connection for a moment, hearing
nothing but silence, a sure sign that he had been cut off from the
others.  Even in situations where Misato wasn't speaking directly to
the pilots, he could still hear voices in the background, Ritsuko's and
Maya's and Makoto's, the voices of the technicians that he'd come to
take for granted.  Another deep breath of salty liquid coursed through
the boy's lungs, and he leaned back in his seat, forcing himself to
relax.  "Nieve, Eiko, Misato, please come," he muttered, slowly
clenching and relaxing his fist, trying to figure out what his dream
had meant in hopes that it would dull the emptiness around him.

                                  ]++[

Ritsuko stared at the display on the main screen almost idly before
flicking her gaze back towards the console in front of her, knowing
full well that Kaji and Misato were both watching her with questioning
eyes.  Before the Children had even finished returning to Central
Dogma, she had set to the task of trying to figure out what the Angel
was, and as soon as the command center was able to be cleared she had
taken it upon herself to begin working on the analysis, Makoto and Maya
assisting more for speed of processing than anything while Shigeru
worked on the lower levels to re-establish contact with EVA-01.  What
was delaying Ritsuko now, however, was not the lack of an answer so
much as the impossibility of it.  "I've gotten something," she
announced at length, leaning back in her chair.  "Maybe."

Nobody spoke for a moment, and then Misato stepped forward, obviously
unnerved by the cavalier attitude the other woman was taking.  "If
you've got something, -tell- us," she snapped, crossing her arms across
her chest, obviously doing her best to restrain her anger.  "'Maybe' is
a lot better than nothing, and it's all we've got now."

"Are either of you familiar with the theory of antimatter?" replied
Ritsuko, half as a lead-in to an explanation and half simply to shut
Misato up while she spoke.  The purple-haired woman shook her head, and
Ritsuko managed to force a wry grin as she looked back up towards the
main screen.  "Antimatter is the exact antithesis of matter.  If matter
and antimatter come into contact, they instantly dissolve into energy.
That's the theory, anyways - you can understand how it would be hard to
get far beyond that stage when dealing with this stuff."  She paused
for a moment, turning her gaze back towards Misato and Kaji.  "One of
the early scientists that theorized the existence of antimatter, Dirac,
proposed that the universe was created out of equal parts matter and
antimatter.  But if that was the case, the entire universe would be raw
energy - everything would have canceled out."

"Fascinating as 'Quantum Mechanics for Dummies' is, I really don't see
how it applites to the situation," interjected Misato, frowning up at
the screen, the black-white marble of the Angel still hovering over the
city, seeming to mock the staff as it sat motionless.  "What the hell
happened to Neil?  And how do we get him out?"

"I'm getting there.  Be quiet and listen."  Ritsuko ignored the other
woman's indignant squawk as she turned her gaze back towards the main
screen.  "The concept of a universe so composed - a universe composed
of nothing but energy - was termed the 'Sea of Dirac.'"  She paused,
then turned back towards Kaji and Misato.  "If I'm right, that's where
Neil is right now.  It's an alternate universe that we can only
describe in the most abstract mathematical terms - the laws that we're
accustomed to simply don't apply to it.  That's why none of our
attempts to contact him are working - they're all assuming that the
universe he's in still operates the same way."

Silence settled over the control room for a moment, and Ritsuko took
that as an indication that it was safe for her to continue talking,
turning back towards the main screen for a moment.  "We've picked up
the Angel's AT Field - it's within what we thought was the shadow, an
inverted field of a constantly spreading diameter and about a quarter
of a centimeter thick.  The orb in the sky is the thing's actual
shadow.  That's why Neil wasn't able to hurt it."

"All right," replied Misato, rubbing the back of her head, feeling a
cold sweat layer over her forehead, a headache beginning to grow at the
base of her neck.  She didn't entirely understand what Ritsuko was
talking about, but she knew that saying as much would only complicate
matters, and more than anything she wanted to simply do her job and
make sure that Neil got back into the base safely.  "You've gotten a
lock on what the Angel is - how do we get Neil back?"

Ritsuko paused, biting her lower lip gently, and Misato knew without
another word that Ritsuko expected her not to like the answer.  It was
something else that she rememberd from when she and Ritsuko had been
together in college, another gesture that made her wonder if half of
the tension between the two women didn't simply come from the fact that
they were still working together when they should have gone their
separate ways.  "The problem is, without any idea of how the physics
work in the Sea of Dirac, we don't really have any way of retrieving
Unit 01."  She paused.  "Commander Ikari did have a plan, however.  He
contacted me a few minutes ago."

Misato nodded, then realized that Ritsuko had emphasized part of her
sentence awkwardly, as though there was something she was trying to
avoid talking about.  Giving a cursory glance back towards Kaji, she
saw that the man was perfectly content to simply watch, his expression
frozen in one of stoic resolution.  "You weren't talking about Neil,
though.  How do you plan on getting -Neil- back?"

Clearing her throat, Ritsuko turned back towards the main screen.  "In
our current situation, we have no way of damaging the Angel.  Dr. Ikari
has contacted the UN, and they've agreed to make a concerted strike on
the Angel, dropping all globally remaining N2 devices partially into
the Angel and detonating them simultaneously.  The explosive force will
probably level Tokyo-3 completely, but as it stands it's the only plan
we have.  With any luck, everything absorbed into the Angel will be
repulsed."  She paused.  "Unfortunately, there's no way that the pilot
would be able to survive.  The pain would overload his neural system,
and his brain would hemorrhage until he died."

"So you're going to kill him," snarled Misato, her teeth clenched
tightly, hands tempted to reach out and strike the other woman hard
across the face.  "That's the best plan that you can think of?  Killing
the pilot just to save the damn Eva unit?"

"Better than losing both," replied Ritsuko, her tone remaining measured
even as some anger began to creep into it.  The woman's eyes had turned
fully towards the main screen, as though she couldn't bear to look at
Misato any longer.  "Besides, Misato, the plan isn't going to go into
action until seventeen hours from now.  Even assuming that Neil's
operating on full battery power - which he's certainly not - life
support would fail sixteen hours from now, and he would choke to death
on the LCL once it stops being oxygenated.  Unless we get him out of
there sooner, he's dead anyways."

"And you're not trying to think of any plans!" snarled Misato, taking a
step towards the other woman as one hand clenched itself into a fist.
"You're just content to wait until he chokes to death like a dog, then
bomb his body to pieces, just to get back your precious Eva unit!"  She
paused for a second, waiting for some reaction from the blonde
scientist, knowing distantly that she was getting hysterical and also
knowing that she didn't particularly care.  Ritsuko said nothing, and
Misato reached out to spin her chair around, forcing the woman's eyes
to look towards her.  "God damn it, Ritsuko, we're supposed to be the
people -protecting- these children!  We're asking them to risk their
lives, the least that we can do is try to keep them alive!"

"Trying doesn't always mean succeeding," replied Ritsuko coldly,
pushing her chair back around towards the console curtly, her eyes
flicking back up towards the main screen.  "Commander Ikari wanted to
move forward with the plan within four hours, you know.  I had to
convince him to wait until the pilot was already dead."  She paused for
a moment, letting the implications of her statement sink in slowly.
"If you can think of a better way to solve the problem, feel free.  I'm
trying to do the same."

On the lower level of the command center, Nieve couldn't see the women
firsthand, but she could hear the sounds of their voices, the volume
just high enough to catch her attention, resounding through the
cavernous command center.  She'd entered through the lowest level in
hopes of being able to find out how they were planning on recovering
Neil, but now she found herself with tears gently flooding down her
cheeks, a tightness in her chest and bitter determination gripping
her.  Taking a deep breath, biting her lower lip gently and tasting the
bitter salt of the LCL still lingering there, she tried to force
herself to think beyond the momentary stress, to try and put together a
plan herself.  "I've got to go talk to Eiko," she said to herself,
knowing that the girl would be willing to help her.  Nodding into empty
air, she turned around and headed towards the hangar, determined to
find the other Child right away.

Still leaning back on the upper level of the command center, Kaji
simply watched as Ritsuko typed away furiously, Misato standing a few
inches away from her, still obviously angry.  He considered asking for
a moment exactly why Gendou was so concerned about retrieving Unit 01
at the possible cost of the pilot, but after a moment of internal
debate he decided against it, certain that Ritsuko either didn't know
the answer or wouldn't give it to him.  A moment later, he turned and
exited through the elevator, heading back down to the lower levels,
neither of the women noticing or even giving a second thought to his
absence.

                                  ]++[

Sleep and introspection were the two things nearly impossible to avoid
inside the empty blood-sea of the Eva's cockpit, and as Neil felt his
exhaustion grow he though that sleep was the infinitely better option.
The last thing he wanted was to think about what he was doing to Nieve,
to have to think about the whole mess that he'd gotten himself into and
that he couldn't seem to extract himself from again.  So instead he let
sleep slowly embrace his world, leaning against the squishy darkness of
the cockpit seat, trying to relax enough to let slumber wrap about his
mind, to push out the doubts and fears that were complicating his
mind.  "They'll come," he muttered to himself, unsure if he truly
believed himself or not as he closed his eyes.

He had expected almost anything besides the wash of blood scraping
across his skin, the thick sense of bloody noses and bruised bodies
tearing across his mind like a razor over the tongue, no more solace in
the recesses of sleep than he had originally found inside of the Eva.
The feel of the Ryo-woman's hands around his neck snapped back briefly,
only too briefly, as he found himself watching his first battle with
the Third Angel anew, a disembodied observer watching as the two great
titans matched one another blow for blow.

"What is this?"

The view shifted as the machine drove a killing blow to the Third
Angel, now showing him as he forced the prog knife into the core of the
Fourth.  Something bubbled into the back of his mind, a silent question
of why he piloted the Eva.

"I pilot the Eva because the others need me."

Once again, a sudden shift of the scene he viewed without eyes, this
time of the single beam of pure light that he tore apart the Fifth
Angel with.  Again, the nothingness asked him why.

"Because others need me.  They need me to protect them."

The seventh Angel.  Neil and Vash moving together in synchronization,
the point of the knife driving towards the core of the Angel, like
every other time.  Vicious, driving point destroying the beast before
him.  The question again - why do you pilot the Eva?

"Others need me to pilot Eva.  Who are you?"


Falling from the sky with a crown of flames, the Tenth Angel descending
to Earth with destructive force, and again Neil drove the point of his
knife into the core of the Angel as though it was a benediction.  Even
with the help of the others, still he felt the blade in his hands, the
wonderful and flawless sense of ripping through the Angel with his own
strength.  Why do you pilot the Eva?

"I told you!"

Again, the third.  The fourth.  The fifth.  The seventh.  The tenth.
Each time, at the hands of Neil, a single stabbing something tore apart
the Angel, the blood-sea of LCL washing over him silently as he lay
within his cockpit, every second clear within his memory even as he
felt himself being overcome by the disembodied memories.  Why do you
pilot the Eva?  Why do you want to pilot the Eva?

"I don't -want- to!  I pilot the Eva because others need me!  I pilot
it to protect people!  It has nothing to do with wanting to pilot it!"

"You lie, Neil."  The voice was that of the woman this time,
disembodied as well as the images of the Eva's battles continued to
flash before Neil's eyes, even despite the fact that he had no eyes,
only a brain to feel.  "If you didn't want to pilot the machine, you
wouldn't.  A simple situation, one that even the most foolish of humans
could figure out."  The voice paused, Neil's mind locked on the image
of his weapon driving through the Angels, as though he was some sort of
murderer.  "Why do you pilot the Eva?  Or more accurately, why is it
that you -want- to pilot the Eva?"

Neil tried to close his eyes, and the images before him blanked out
into nothingness for a moment, his mind feeling fully awake.  He didn't
feel the dreaming state of a nightmare, the knowledege that he would
simply snap his head back and awaken, that there was a reset button
awaiting him.  "I don't want to!" he screamed, flailing his nonexistent
limbs, groping for something stable.  "I hate the Eva!  I hate that
horrible green eye, the way that it makes me feel!  I see the eye every
night in my dreams, and I hate everything it belongs to!"

"This eye?"  The horrific green iris blossomed in front of the
blackness that Neil thought he had under his control, shocking him into
stasis as he stared into the sea of emerald eye before him.  Shaking
his head, he forced his eyes open, feeling as though he was more than
willing to tear them open with his fingernails if he needed to, wanting
to see the horror of the Angels more than the eye of his Eva.

He was standing in Misato's apartment, the walls darkened from lack of
light, still wearing his plugsuit for reasons he couldn't begin to
fathom, Nieve standing in the kitchen only scant meters away from him,
naked and dripping with an orange-red liquid that could only be LCL.
Her eyes were opened widely, the green reflecting a nonexistent light
brightly, almost looking like the eyes of the bestial Eva that he had
been forced into in that horrible moment of clarity.  "Eyes frighten
you, don't they?" asked Nieve, her voice oddly cold, oddly metallic,
sounding vaguely out of tune as she stared at him, her body hanging
limply.  "What's so scary about them, Neil, lover?  What makes you
panic at the sight of them?"

"Who are you?" he spat, forcing himself to remember that it couldn't
possibly be Nieve standing in front of him, that he was dreaming.
Stepping backwards, he felt the rouch pattern of the wall, and biting
down on his lip he could taste the lingering blood of LCL, as though he
truly was standing in Misato's home, as though the girl looking at him
zombie-like was truly the same girl that had laid beneath him pulsing
as he gave himself to her.  "Who are you?  What are you doing in my
mind?"

"Perhaps you don't understand," came Eiko's voice, and Neil whipped his
head about to see the girl standing a few feet away, from the hallway
that led into the living room, wearing her school uniform and with the
same sort of dead pose as Nieve.  "You don't know who is in whose mind,
do you?"  The girl smiled, almost as unnerving as her previously blank
expression.  "If you dream in your sleep that you are a murderer, and
then awaken and kill your beloved, who is truly the murderer?  Are you
still within the dream, within the mind of the murderer, or is he in
your mind?"

"Nobody is in anyone's mind," replied Neil's voice, something that
terrified him as he turned towards the source.  A boy that looked
identical to him was standing only a meter away, eyes closed, head
hung, wearing the same outfit that he had worn his first day in Tokyo-
3, the first thing he had ever worn inside of the Eva.  "Perhaps
neither the murderer nor you is taking the mind of the other.  Perhaps
to dream of the murderer, you simply had to unlock the one within
yourself.  Perhaps you and the murder are one and the same."

Gaping, Neil took a step backwards, then felt the warm embrace of both
Eiko and Nieve simultaneously, a flood of panic washing through his
body as he stared at the copy of himself.  LCL began to drip down from
the ceiling as the copy raised his head, his eyes suddenly flying wide
open, shining a brilliant green, a perfect copy of Neil's eyes and of
the Eva's.  "They say that eyes are the window to the soul, Neil," said
the copy, a horrific double-pronged red knife suddenly appearing in its
hand, Neil's chest beginning to ache.  "Whose window are you looking
into?  Who is the murderer?"

There was a moment of peace, then the copy drove the knife firmly into
Neil's chest, breaking through the plugsuit and burying the sharp
points in Neil, letting the blood burst and pour out as the points
drove straight throught the boy's body.  "Why do you pilot the Eva?"
asked the copy, ripping out the knife and driving it in once again,
over and over again.  "Why do you pilot the Eva?  Why do you pilot the
Eva?  Why do you pilot the Eva?"

Blood and bile bubbled up into Neil's mouth, and he hacked it outwards,
his eyes closing as he spasmed from the sheer agony surrounding him.
His mouth formed words that he did not know, and the entire world
dissolved momentarily into a sea of agony and dischord, everything
growing into a hazy swirl of blood.  He regained himself, his mouth
still tasting of blood but his body healed, drifting in a black and red
sea of nothingness, eyes wide, mind reeling, trying to process what had
happened.

And the woman from before appeared again, hovering in space a few
meters away from Neil, as well as if she was thousands of miles away.
"Poor boy," she muttered, staring at him as he floated in nothingness,
her eyes bearing only pity, none of the hatred of before.  "You truly
don't understand any of this.  You were so afraid of what would happen
if you let yourself open, if you went ahead and allowed yourself one
damned moment of feeling."

"Don't hurt me any more," begged Neil, still feeling the sharp pain of
the knife through his chest, the ghostly apparition of the white
assailant from his nightmares drifting over his vision, doubtlessly
connected in some way that he couldn't peace together, the entire world
about him coming undone at the seams.  "Please.  I don't know your
son.  I don't know where he is."

"I wish that I didn't believe you," replied the woman weakly, sighing
and shaking her head, her apparition fading, a light radiating from her
as she began to flood out into nothingness once again.  "Just let it
be, Neil.  Let it go.  Why you pilot the Eva... let him know.  Why do
you pilot the Eva?"

Neil coughed again, tasting blood coating the back of his throat, then
with a slow knot of effort he felt his eyes drift open again.  He was
drifting inside of the Eva cockpit, the seat a meter or so away, his
body lying suspended within the LCL, a rather painful bump on the back
of his head.  "I was truly thrashing about," he muttering, shaking his
head momentarily and pushing himself back towards the chair, glancing
down at the time display.  It now showed that he had slightly more than
ten hours, and he could have sworn that he'd had at least fourteen when
he decided to go to sleep.  "What's going on?" he muttered to himself,
shaking his head and settling back in the seat.  "What's happening to
my mind?"

                                  ]++[

"You've got to be kidding me," sighed Eiko, staring up at the silver
goliath as the purple-orange nutrient bath sloshed about its chest, the
colors beneath it mingling with its naturally reflective armor to make
the surface of its body look almost maleable.  "Misato would never
allow something like that."  She paused, expecting Nieve to say
something, then turned her head back towards the girl.  "I don't
believe you."

"Fine," replied Nieve, arms crossed across her chest, her gaze intent
as she looked at Eiko, both girls in their plugsuits and still
occasionally dripping half-dried bits of LCL from their hair.  "Don't
believe me.  It's NERV's standard procedure, though - when an Angel is
beyond our capability to destroy, we're supposed to bomb it into
oblivion with N2 devices."

"But..."  Eiko shook her head, staring back up at the silver golem of
EVA-04, her teeth clenched tightly, a slight tremor becoming obvious in
her voice.  She hardly wanted Neil to die, but things were already bad
enough with her and Vash, and it seemed as though agreeing to Nieve's
desperate plan would only ensure the demolition of her relationship.
"But Misato wouldn't allow that.  She would figure something out, some
way to get him out."

"Christ, girl, have I been talking to myself the past few minutes?"
snapped Nieve, fighting hard to keep herself under control, fists
clenching and releasing in a smooth rythym simply to avoid her boiling
over completely.  She knew that the girl standing in front of her was
her best chance at making sure that Neil made it out of the Angel
safely, that she needed to rely on her even though she found the very
thought of it distasteful.  "Misato doesn't have a choice.  The only
way that we can get Neil out is if the two of us work together and go
behind her back.  She'd never approve of it if we asked her, because
it's her job to keep us from doing just -that-."

Eiko stared at Nieve for a moment, then back at EVA-04, then at Nieve
again.  "You think we'll be able to pull it off?" she asked, sounding
hesitant, more certain of the fact that she didn't want Neil to die
than she was of Nieve's plan to avert it.

"How the hell should I know?" replied Nieve, a wry grin on her face as
she turned towards the door that led from EVA-04's hangar to her own
red monstrosity.  "You'd think that six years with NERV would cover
stuff like this, but instead we're both on shaky ground.  What a
coincidence."  She started to walk down the catwalk, passing Eiko
quickly, affording the other girl only a passing glance.  "I'll contact
you with the override codes once we've both gotten inside of our
machines.  Just get in the entry plug and the automated systems will
take over."

Nodding as the girl stepped through the door towards her Eva, Eiko took
a moment to look at her Eva one more time, as though she somehow needed
to make her peace with the best before she actually launched.  She'd
always felt as though it was watching her, but somehow it seemed
different this time, as though it was actively waiting for her to get
inside, almost excited to climb to the surface with Nieve and plunge
into the black abyss of the Twelfth Angel.  "It'll make Vash pretty
jealous, at least," she muttered to herself, letting a grin eerily
similar to Nieve's drift across her face as she started to walk towards
the entry plug.  "He'll see."

"I'm starting to."  The voice came unexpectedly, and Eiko stopped so
suddenly that she nearly tumbled and fell into the nutrient bath,
turning her head swiftly towards the direction of Vash's final stinging
remark.  He was leaning near the door that led to EVA-05, his plugsuit
still on, cloaked in the shadows of the poorly-lit hangar.  "What's
going on, Eiko?" he asked, standing now, starting to walk towards her.
"Why don't you just stay here?  Let Nieve handle the problem.  It's her
boyfriend."

Eiko was tempted to simply jump into her entry plug and ignore the boy,
but instead she turned to face him, her eyes flashing with something
between anger and simple intensity devoid of specific emotion.  "You
goaded him into the Angel, Vash," she said, trying to remain calm, at
once wanting to be mad at the boy and wanting to step over and hold him
once again.  "Why are you so afraid of him?  What makes you think that
he poses a threat to you?"

Vash said nothing, simply continued walking towards the girl calmly,
staring at her intensely, a sorrow contained just behind his eyes.
"Did you ever feel anything about me?" he asked, anger tinting his
tone, his expression remaining morose but his words suggesting
something else entirely.  "Or was this just your way of making your
mother and father -"

"Stop it," she snapped, turning and starting back towards the entry
plug, suddenly feeling very afraid of where the conversation was
going.  "I don't want you around me any more, Vash, and it doesn't have
anything to do with Neil.  It has everything to do with you."  She
paused, her hands resting on the edge of the entry plug for just a
moment before she tilted back her head to look at the boy again.  "I am
not yours, Koji.  I'm mine."

There was a momentary silence between the two Children, but Eiko took
the opportunity to jump inside the cockpit, sliding her body against
the smooth seat of the cockpit, trying to remain calm, to ignore the
unmistakabe surge of panic at what she'd said.  She was afraid of what
she had said to the boy on some level, and she almost wanted to take it
all back, but there was no time as the top of the plug slammed shut.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to focus on Neil as the plug began to
move towards the Eva, its expectant face occupying the absolute back of
her memory.

                                  ]++[

Whatever within the Eva was sharing space with Neil's mind, and it was
now invading his space, the line between his reality and the world of
the horrible apparitions about him fading like so much ice under a
blowtorch.  His counter showed an even seven hours one moment, and the
next he saw it it swam about and seemed to dissolve into the sea of LCL
about him, then solidified again.  "What are you?" he whispered, knees
brought up to his chest, arms wrapped tightly around his legs as he let
the warm LCL buffet him weakly.  "What are you trying to do to me?
What did I do to you?"

Once again, the world swam about Neil as though it was all dissolving
into LCL, and before he knew it he was lying facedown in a pit of sand,
tasting the salt of LCL mixed with gritty and tasteless playground
dirt.  Something in the back of his mind told him what he was seeing
before it even materialized in front of him, but he rose his head
anyways, spitting out a spray of pale tan sand before he saw the scene
unfolding in front of him, the young blonde boy being thrown roughly
across the playground and kicking up a cloud of dust around him.  "Aw,
lookit him now, he's starting to cry.  Go away, kid."

Reflexes borne of experience within the Eva kicked in, and Neil forced
himself to his feet, letting himself run towards the fallen little boy,
knowing full well the pain of being through through the sand, the way
that it had ground itself into his eyes and stung like needles of fire,
the rage he'd felt boil and burst within himself on that fateful day.
As he reached his younger self, however, he felt a surge of righteous
anger spread through his body, the knowledge that he was now sixteen
against far younger children, that the bullies that had seemed huge to
him as a child were now nothing compared to his size.

As he looked towards the bullies, however, he felt something else flood
through him, something odd and viscous, like honey poured down the back
of his throat.  It puzzled him for a moment, but then he felt his
younger self run straight through him as though he wasn't even there,
the horrible pencil gripped in his hand, deadly purpose written on the
younger Neil's eyes.  "Stop!" he shouted, knowing that he could do
nothing as he watched the boy rush towards the bully with the pencil
firmly gripped, helpless as the sharpened object slammed through the
skin of the other child.

Everything froze and went into slow motion, and the playground around
Neil turned a single shade of red as his younger counterpart released
the pencil, turning towards him with the same inhuman expression as his
mirror from before, eyes wide and mouth grinning broadly.  "Why do you
pilot the Eva, Neil?" it asked, staring at the boy.  "Why do you pilot
the Eva?"

"I do it to protect people!" screamed Neil, his voice ragged as he fell
to his knees, kneeling before the smaller him, feeling spattering drops
of rain begin to fall against his back, realizing a moment later that
the rain was made of the blood-scented LCL and was washing over
everything on the playground.  "I do it because the world needs me!
What's wrong with that?  Why do you want to know that?"

"Because you're lying," replied Nieve's voice as the scent of blood and
salt filled the air, the rain of blood growing thicker about him, the
sand beginning to turn into the same bloody mess that had come to Neil
on the day he'd nearly killed the boy on the playground.  He tilted his
head upwards to see the naked, zombie-like Nieve standing over him,
seeming to almost laugh at him.  "You don't pilot it to protect
anyone.  You pilot it to hurt people."

"No!" snapped Neil, forcing himself to his feet, LCL falling about him
like a bloody cape, the droplets running down into his mouth and
tasting like the blood of the innocent against his tongue, like some
unspeakably evil and delicious meal.  "I'm not like that!  I only want
to make sure that others are safe!"

"Liar.  You do it because you hate people."  Misato was standing before
him now, something thin and gauzy cloaking her body only enough to keep
him from seeing anything sexual, her eyes wide and expression dead just
like before.  "Do you hate me?"  The view swirled, and it was Eiko
before him, in her school uniform.  "Do you hate me?"  Another swirl,
this time revealing the naked apparition of Nieve.  "Do you hate me?"
Another swirl, bloody LCL gushing into his mouth and down his throat as
he stared at the copy of himself from before, knife in hand.  "Do you
hate me?"

Something powerful broke inside of Neil, and he lunged at the duplicate
of himself, knocking it to the sinking mud of sand and LCL, ripping the
knife from the hand and pointing it towards the hateful emerald eyes,
letting the two prongs hover just above the green irises.  "I want them
to hurt," he choked, sobbing as he pressed his own body down, his teeth
gritted tightly.  "I admit it.  That feeling of power..."

"You want them all to die," finished his duplicate.  "That's why you
pilot the Eva - because it gives you such power to hurt, power to crush
your enemies.  Does it feel good, hurting them?  Does it make you feel
human?  The knowledge that you're giving pain?"  The duplicate smiled
more broadly, yanking Neil's face closer.  "At night, do you dream of
killing them all, of grasping their bodies and crushing them?  Do you
want to hear their screams one by one?"

Unable to control himself any longer, Neil let out a howling scream and
drove the double-pronged knife towards the eyes of his double, feeling
raw hatred and anger gripping his body with an electric sensation,
fists clenching tightly and LCL filling his mouth as he lay back in the
seat of the Eva's cockpit.  His eyes were wide open, tears streaming
down his cheeks, his hands drifting open, the LCL washing about him, no
doubt in his mind now that it truly was blood, that even if it wasn't
truly blood it was what he wanted it to be.  "I'm the monster," he
muttered.  "Not the Angels.  I'm the monster."

                                  ]++[

"All safety interlocks have been released!  Synchronization is at
operational parameters and rising!  The Evas are moving towards the
launch platforms!"

Misato felt her heartbeat quicken once again as the main screen shifted
to display the launch tubes, the red and silver machines moving towards
their launch pads as though of their own accord.  It had been only a
few moments since she'd found out that the two had activated, but
considering the plight of Neil it seemed to be the proverbial straw to
break the camel's back.  Though she was doing everything within her
power to stay calm, she couldn't help but feel that she'd been thrown
into a situation far beyond her ability to handle.  "Shigeru, try to
open a channel with the two Evas.  They've got to have a pilot in them
or they wouldn't be able to move."

"Very astute, Misato," offered Nieve's voice, her face popping up on
the main screen as soon as she began speaking, an odd sort of grin on
her face.  "Sorry about this - I know that it's grounds for dismissal,
and all, but there's only one way to get Neil out of there alive, and
you're not going to let us get out there and do it."  She paused, then
winked at the woman, as though she was simply talking about taking out
the trash at the apartment.  "Have a little faith in us, okay?"

The communication shut off, and a moment of silence reigned over the
level of the control booth, all of the staff members stunned by the
sheer gall that the girls were displaying.  Then Ritsuko flew into
action, striding swiftly forward, her white coat fluttering about her
as her blue-gray eyes flicked about the room.  "Maya, force the synchro
rate backwards!  Makoto, seal off all launch tube barriers up to Level
20!  Get the Magi working on -"

"Excuse me, Ritsuko, this is my job," snapped Misato, reaching out and
grabbing the other woman's wrist curtly, feeling somehow satisfied
simply by being able to make the scientist stop talking.  Ritsuko
frowned at Misato, but the purple-haired woman simply smiled back
before turning towards the main screen.  "Maya, launch the two Evas as
close as you can to the Angel.  Try to give them a minute or two before
the Angel reaches itheir position, though.  Makoto, I want you to
maintain a lock on their position as best as possible, even if they get
inside of the Angel."

"You could be dismissed for this, too," snapped Ritsuko, ripping her
arm away from Misato's grip, staring indignantly.  "You're sending
those girls into a deathtrap.  We have no way of getting Neil out, and
you know full well that they're going to get themselves trapped inside
there too."

"Have a little faith, Ritsuko," replied Misato, feeling vaguely more
confident as she stepped forward and crossed her arms across her chest,
watching the two Evas streak up towards the surface.  She knew,
academically, that Ritsuko was right, but somehow she couldn't shake
the feeling that something was going to go right when they didn't
expect it to, that Nieve and Eiko were indeed doing the right thing.
"We barely understand how the Children can pilot the Evas in the first
place.  Let's give them the benefit of a doubt."

Nieve's heart raced as her Eva lurched to a stop, the rain falling and
splattering against her machine as she let her eyes focus on the
hovering black and white orb and the black abyss beneath it, trying to
ignore the terror welling up in the back of her throat.  Amongst the
forest of buildings, she could see Eik's Eva emerge as well, the silver
reflecting what little light still remained in the city, the pattering
noise of rain filling the city.  "You ready, Eiko?" she asked, looking
towards the girl's Eva, still somewhat worried that the girl would back
out on her.

"Of course," replied Eiko, her Eva's head turning briefly towards the
red form of unit 02 before looking back over at the Angel, the girl's
voice betraying that she was more frightened than she might have been
willing to admit to Nieve or to herself.  "Whenever you're ready."

Taking a deep breath, Nieve looked back towards the Angel again, her
hands gripping the metal handrests tightly, her breath coming quickly.
She had to admit, she understood Eiko's terror at the situation,
feeling the same way as she stared into the gigantic pool of darkness
lightly splattered by rain, the orb seeming to judge her unworthy
simply by placement.  Gritting her teeth, she forced herself to focus
on the still-dull pain in her lower regions, to remember what it had
felt like to be one with Neil, knowing that he needed her help now,
that she was the only person that could rescue him.  "Let's go!" she
shouted, taking one last breath of LCL as she sent her machine rushing
forward.

In the command center, the staff had been frightened into silence as
the two Evas raced towards the Angel, their bodies moving in smooth
synchronization as the rain splashed off of them.  Misato was distantly
aware of the other Children filing onto the command level, but her mind
was more focused on Nieve's motions, praying silently that the Children
would succeed, that Neil and Nieve wouldn't both abandon her in one
smooth motion.  All she could do, however, was watch silently as the
Evas sprang into the air and let themselves dive into the blackness,
the puddle of midnight beneath the Angel expanding up to swallow them
enthusiastically.

Neil lay weakly in his cockpit, head slumped forward and eyes closed,
his hands still held weakly with their palms up, tears occasionally
drifting out of his eyes as he breathed the suffocating LCL in and out
of his lungs.  He had been spared of the visions since he had screamed
out a confession to the things tormenting him, but he had found no more
release in silence than in noise, perhaps even less.  All he knew was
that he could sense the woman from before drifting in the cockpit with
him, simply waiting for him to say something.  "Go away," he muttered.
"You got what you wanted.  I don't know anything anymore."

The woman didn't respond, and reluctantly Neil opened his eyes to see
her standing before him once again, the lab coat discarded, a smile on
her face.  She was beautiful when she smiled, though it didn't seem to
be a sexual thing - as best Neil could tell through a haze of guily and
sorrow, she looked like the perfect mother, the apotheosis of a
nurturing woman.  "I will not go away," she said softly, simply staring
at the boy with her arms behind her back.  "They're coming for you."

"Who would bother?" he muttered, trying to find solace in the steady
breaths of the blood-LCL, waiting for the life support to fail and for
the soft embrace of death to wrap itself around his mind.  "I don't
even know why I pilot the Eva any more.  I don't know who I -am- any
more.  I just want to die now.  Let the others..."  He paused,
sniffling slightly.  "Let the others find someone better to be with."

"Stop it, Neil.  Whether you like it or not, they're coming for you."
Neil could feel the soft caress of a hand on his cheek, and looking up
he saw the woman crouching on the chair of his cockpit right in front
of him, a bittersweet maternal expression on her face.  "You can feel
them, if you try.  Go on.  Let your mind go for just a moment, let it
ride the existence around you."

Breathing deeply once again, Neil tried to let himself sense outwards,
as though he was simply synchronizing with the Eva again.  For a
moment, he felt a surge of fear that the bestial mind of his unit would
encounter him again as he tried to obey the woman, but instead he felt
a simple touch of oblivion, empty abandonment filling his mind.  Then,
like a pebble dropping into a stream, something broke the surface, and
he could feel the touch of something familiar and female.  "Nieve and
Eiko," he breathed, half-guessing and half-certain.

Nodding, the woman began to fade away into the LCL, as though she had
never truly been in the cockpit at all.  "You need to decide, Neil.
Decide why you want to be with others, whether you enjoy hurting them
or protecting them.  But either way, you cannot let yourself die now,
can you?"  She paused, giving Neil one last smile.  "I leave this to
you, Neil.  We will finish this later."

Then she was gone, and Neil was by himself within the cockpit once
again, his hands gripping the metal handrests, the counter slowly
drifting downwards.  Though he couldn't be certain, he knew that there
was a strong possibility that moving would leave him with no more power
whatsoever, leaving him choking to death in LCL.  Closing his eyes once
again, he took a deep breath, feeling the LCL thickening, trying to
decide what to do, Eiko and Nieve grating and caressing his thoughts at
the same moment.

Central Dogma was silent as everyone watched the main screen, waiting
for some sign of life within the Angel, for one of the Evas to emerge.
Only stasis was offered to the onlookers as their reward, the constant
falling of the rain and the immobility of the Angel, the orb hovering
motionless and seeming to taunt them.  "They're not coming back,"
muttered Vash, sounding almost as though he regretted not going
himself.  "Eiko's never coming back."

Another moment of silence passed, then one of the consoles on the main
level beeped, a single unassuming noise that indicated a minor change
in the state of the Angel.  Nobody noticed until it had beeped again,
this time more urgently, as though something more important was
happening.  "What's going on?" asked Misato, turning her head towards
the screen, taking a single halting step towards it, terrified that she
would find it was the death of the Children.

Without warning, a single, deafening, horrific scream echoed through
the speakers of the control room, forcing the staff to their knees from
sheer noise, hands clamping over ears as everyone tried to keep their
gaze focused on the screen.  Only the scream came for a moment, but a
half-second later the blackness of the Angel's sea began to bubble
upwards, as though something was rising from the middle, like an animal
tearing itself out from beneath a canvas.  Eyes fixed in amazement as
the raised spot remained, then the howl died down slightly and the spot
seemed to recede ever so slightly, as though it was weakening.

Half a second later, the arm of EVA-01 burst through the surface of the
black shadow with a shower of blood, the roar resuming as the purple
monstrosity seemed to tear free from beneath the shadow, ripping away
gouts of blackness in showers of blood, metal jaw tearing open and
screaming in rage to the heavens.  The rain mingled with crimson blood
as the Eva stood in the midst of the Angel, the black and white orb
faltering above it, then the machine reached down and pulled something
for a moment, an unknown action until it became clear that the roaring
golem was pulling EVA-02 and EVA-04 free of the black pit, tossing them
gently away before tugging itself fully out of the dying Angel, wasting
only a moment before reaching down and tearing at the blackness once
again.

Though the Eva continued to assault the Angel, it was obvious to all
that it had already won the battle as it tore into the black pit, the
showers of blood coating and darkening its purple skin like tar, rain
doing nothing to wash it clean.  "This is what it means to be an
Angel," muttered Misato, feeling validated in her faith at the same
moment that she felt terrified of the beat on the monitor.  "This is
the sort of power it grants."

Sighing heavily, she felt the stares of the Children on her, and
swallowing hard she looked back at the trio, wondering almost idly if
the others could hear her as she spoke, knowing that there was no way
to avoid telling them now.  "The Evas... they're not as artificial as
you might think."  She could feel Ritsuko's eyes weighing heavily on
her, obviously disapproving, but watching Neil turn the Eva on the
screen into a ravenous beast was making her wonder what she'd truly
sent the Children into, and she could no longer stomach the weight of
obscuring the truth.  "They're clones of the First Angel, the cause of
the Second Impact."

                                  ]++[

Outro: Neon Epoch Evangelion is based off of -Shin Seiki Evangelion- by
GAINAX and company.  It is not intended to be a straightforward fanfic,
but it is building off the work of others, and as such it is done with
the utmost respect for the original works and their authors.
Basically, even though this is an original work, it's based off the
work of others, and if you read this, you should go to see the original.

Special thanks to all of the real Children - you know who you are.

Extra special thanks to Joe Augulis for his consultation on the
Japanese portions of the story.  He might not know much Japanese, but
that's more than I know.

Copyright 2002 Eliot Lefebvre.

NEXT EPISODE:
             Sleep brings fear.
             Sleep brings terror.
             Sleep brings death.
NEON EPOCH EVANGELION 17: NIGHTMARE
"We see what we expect in the Evas.  What did I expect to see?"

                                  ]++[

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