From: eltf@hotmail.com (Eliot Lefebvre)
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Neon Epoch Evangelion: Episode 24
X-Original-Date: 3 Feb 2003 08:35:43 -0800


Remote linking of pre-story warnings is strictly forbidden:

This fanfic is an original take on GAINAX's "Shin Seiki Evangelion."
It contains alternative characters, plots, and a different overriding
internal logic.  It is intended, from the beginning, to be different.
This includes different Children and different histories.  In short: if
the mere thought of someone other than Shinji in the cockpit of EVA-01
makes you queasy, you are in -entirely- the wrong place.  Any and all
flames stemming from this alteration will be mocked mercilessly.  You
have been warned.

Last week featured some pretty big potential hiccups in service over at 
ye olde lostfactor.net, but now everything's been cleared up, and as a 
result nobody well know anything about it except for the fact that I'm 
setting it down in text.  There were also some other pretty big 
updates, but I'd like to hope by now that you're visiting the site, eh?

Anyways, we're winding down here, and at this rate the final episode 
should be posted on 2/24.  Mark the date on your calender, and guess at 
how depressing it's going to be.  Considering this episode, you might 
want to stock up on tissues.

                                  ]++[

               ]+ ELECTRONIC TRANSCENDENCE PRODUCTIONS +[
                                presents

                         ]+ NEON       EPOCH +[
                   ]+ E  V  A  N  G  E  L  I  O  N +[

                    ]+ EPISODE 24:  THE END TIMES +[

                     By Eliot "Lostfactor" Lefebvre

             Based off of "Shin Seiki Evangelion" by GAINAX

                                  ]++[

Let my persecutors be put to shame,
      but keep me from shame;
let them be terrified,
      but keep me from terror.
Bring on them the day of disaster;
      destroy them with double destruction.
- JEREMIAH 17:18

                                  ]++[

The artificial noise of the television hissed in through the cracks in 
the wall, beyond the soundproofing that Vash had always wished that he 
had.  It would have been the perfect sanctuary, he knew, if only he 
could have found a way to block out the sound.  The man had never been 
able to handle closed doors when he was drunk, not possessing the 
coordination necessary to wrap his fingers around the handle.  But the 
sound was still able to worm its way through, to find just the right 
way to bleed through the walls, to keep him from being able to outright 
ignore the man that sat outside.

Still, for the first time that he could remember, Vash was only 
peripherally concerned with his father's drunkeness, his eyes and 
thoughts focused instead on the mosaic of pictures that lay strewn 
around his bed.  There was the slightest blur in his vision from slowly-
growing tears, his hands slowly moving across the crystaline images as 
his father laughed outside.  "I wish we'd gone out," he muttered, 
fingers closing around a picture and drawing it towards him.  "It could 
have been tonight."

He and Eiko were happy in the picture, his arms wrapped tightly around 
her midsection as a jet of water splashed against her, a moment that 
should have been dynamic but was left as a sort of frozen monument.  
"We were... what, twelve?" he asked of nobody, studying the picture 
meticulously.  "Goofing around over at Kensuke's house, and I was on 
the opposite team."  He smiled.  "Hikari was so mad at her for not 
fighting harder.  But she wasn't really mad, she was just..."

A sigh gently trickled out of Vash's throat, followed by a choked noise 
and a shaking of his head.  "Hikari's already moved away," he said, 
trying to remain calm.  "I'm not going to say goodbye to Kensuke, not 
the way that he left.  That just leaves you and I, doesn't it?  Toji 
goes where you do, doesn't he?"

Nobody answered, and the boy sighed as he let the fragment of the past 
slip between his fingers and flutter to the floor, falling backwards 
against the pillows of his bed as his eyes drifted closed.  He had been 
waiting for the girl to call him for what seemed like an eternity, a 
call he didn't want to receive but one he knew would come surely 
enough.  "End it," he muttered, his hands clenching to fists against 
the glossy surface of the photographs beneath his fingers.

Moments passed in silence from Vash, the only response the drunken 
laughter of his father.  He could feel anger building within him as he 
waited for what seemed like an eternity, until it reached the breaking 
point and forced him into motion.  His fists slammed down against the 
photos, depressing the soft mattress and burying the photographs 
within.  "END IT!" he shouted, his eyes flying open, gaze narrowed and 
breath coming hard.

Only another laugh from his father answered his would-be plea, and with 
another sigh he slumped back against the bed, his fists slowly 
clenching and relaxing.  There was no doubt in his mind that Eiko would 
call him sooner or later, that she would tell him that it was time that 
they went their separate ways.  It was a foregone conclusion, and while 
he loathed the thought he also doubted that there was any other 
possible outcome.  What grated on his mind was simply the waiting, the 
way that she was forcing him to simply lie and patiently expect the 
girl to call him at her leisure, as though it made no difference to him.

More laughter echoed into the room, and Vash sighed again, lacking the 
energy to do much else.  "This is what I get for being me," he 
muttered, shaking his head as one hand moved across the bed and swept 
off the mosaic of photographs.  "The second that I stopped behaving the 
way that I should... just like I always knew it would happen.  My own 
stupid fault."

Lying back fully on the bed, Vash slowly inhaled and exhaled, focusing 
on the steady motion of his longs to distract him from the pain and 
irritation of waiting.  "I need a drink," he muttered, hearing his 
father's regretless laughter once again, slowly understanding why his 
father acted the way that he did.

                                  ]++[

Time was passing in agonizing slow motion for a girl who was accustomed 
to squeezing every moment of wakefulness into productivity.  It was a 
hated change, to suddenly be able to only wait patiently for the 
doctors to come and tell her what was happening, to wait for the sparse 
bits of interaction that she had.  In the back of her mind, Niobe 
couldn't help but wonder if it might have been better to have no 
machines surrounding her, to allow silence that would eny her the 
ability to keep track of the steady passage of time.

Her head gently turned towards the various monitors crowded on one side 
of the bed, steadily beeping and displaying vital conditions in the 
form of indecipherable graphs and blocky numbers.  "Won't even let me 
have a book," she muttered, sighing and closing her eyes as her body 
shifted beneath the thin cotton sheets.  "I wonder if Joseph would 
bother to do anything about it if he knew what was going on."

Another sigh passed her lips, brought on simply by the thought of her 
father.  She had no way of knowing whether or not he was aware of her 
condition, whether or not he had made any attempts to contact her after 
their last devestating exchange, or even whether or not he had died.  
All she knew was what the doctors and nurses told her, and that was 
almost wholly contained within the room.  Even how long she'd been 
lying comatose seemed to be classified information; attempting to get a 
straight answer had been fruitless, and the only allusion that she'd 
managed to wrestle out of the staff was that it was long enough for 
another Child to enter the picture.

"Not that it should matter to me," she muttered, her fingers clenching 
into fists and pulling the sheets with them almost unconsciously.  "I 
failed for the last time.  They wouldn't let me inside an Eva again 
even if I could pilot one."

She could remember the doctor's words with painful clarity - "There's a 
good chance that your mental damage has had permanent effects upon your 
abilities."  He'd almost seemed gleeful about it, informing her that 
her sense of balance might not return to normal for years, that she 
would most likely be haunted by nightmares for the rest of her life, 
that she may find remembering certain individuals or events 
impossible.  That had been bad enough, but he'd saved the worst for 
last.  "We're still unsure of the exact nature of the ability to pilot 
the Evangelion units," he had said.  "But it's very likely that your 
ability has been diminished or excised completely."

That day had been the worst, and simply thinking of it sent a small 
shiver down her spine.  She'd begged them to dunk her in some LCL and 
run a synch test, to let her in some way prove that she could still at 
least attempt to pilot an Eva, but they'd informed her that the 
decisions had already been made.  "I stay until I'm considered 
recovered, then they ship me back to Africa," she muttered, shaking her 
head for her own benefit, the sound of her own voice a welcome 
distraction.  "God damn it, they're not giving me any more chances.  I 
really blew it."

Another sigh hissed past her lips, her body feeling unbearably heavy, 
the simple thought of returning home feeling like a death sentence.  
She knew that her parents would never accept her again, that even 
though she'd had no chances left the failure would be considered hers.  
"Why me?" she whispered, almost disbelieving the words as she said 
them, her mind condemning her for asking a question she knew the answer 
to.  "Why do I have to be the one to -"

Clicking and whirring came from the door, and she quickly shut her 
mouth as she turned her gaze towards the metal portal, eyes focusing 
only slowly.  It took what seemed like an eternity for them to slide 
open with their characteristic hiss, but Niobe was looking forward to 
it on some level - she knew that with it came the doctors, and that 
meant at least a momentary break in the daily nothingness.

Her eyes widened noticably when she saw Ryo walking through the door, a 
loose white t-shirt hanging around his upper body and trailing about 
the slacks of his school uniform.  "Ryo?" she asked, disbelieving as he 
stepped towards the nearest chair.

The boy nodded, then grabbed the chair and moved it towards the bed, 
letting Niobe catch the barest glimpse of something blue and 
rectangular tucked beneath one arm.  "I'd been coming to see you up 
until three days ago, when you woke up.  This was the first time that 
the doctors would let me back in to the facility.  They said that you 
were in a delicate condition."

"It means that they're still trying to figure out how I managed to 
survive the Angel," replied Niobe weakly, turning her head away from 
Ryo.  She didn't have the energy or the mobility to cry or tear herself 
away from his presence, but the stare of his blood-red eyes hurt no 
less.  "I thought I told you to go away when I woke up."

"You did," replied Ryo, his voice sounding oddly halting.  "So I left.  
But..."  He paused momentarily, making small noises that sounded like 
half-formed words.  "I don't have to follow everyone's directions."

Niobe knew that the statement sounded a little odd, but she had little 
interest in pressing the matter.  "You don't have to be here, you 
know," she mumbled, half to her pillow.  "You've got other things to 
do, I know.  Synch testing, combat training, everything that a normal 
pilot does."

"Finished synch testing for the day, and my next scheduled training 
session is two weeks away."  He paused.  "I should probably be getting 
back to school at some point, but even the administration has stopped 
caring about attendance.  There's been a massive exodus from the 
school."  Another pause, this one wrought with a more awkward air.  
"Besides, I had to bring you your books."

Turning back towards the boy out of curiosity, Niobe couldn't tell 
whether she felt ecstatic or resentful as he drew the small rectangular 
bundle out from under his arm.  "There were a number of books within 
your room, but I assumed that only the ones with the bookmarks between 
the pages were ones that you were actually reading."  He gently lay the 
books on the bed, a half-smile trying to cross his lips.  "Did I miss 
any of them?"

A moment of concentration passed before Niobe could prop herself up 
enough to get a decent look at the hardcover books, her eyes tracing 
the words along the covers.  Military strategies, combat tactics, 
secrets of personal defense... all books she knew that Joseph had 
picked out for her, if not personally than by unquestionable 
recommendation.  "This is all of them," she replied, flatly.  "They 
haven't let me have any books here.  Don't know if I'll be needing 
these, though."

Ryo said nothing immediately, simply studying the girl's face as she 
idly opened and closed the top book.  "Why not?" he asked, voice 
surprisingly quiet even for him.

"They don't think that I'll be able to pilot an Eva any more," she 
replied with a sigh, shoving the books away from her.  "All this 
information on how to be a better pilot, and now it's all useless.  
Whatever the Angel did to me..."  She sighed again, turning her head 
away from Ryo.  "They're just keeping me here to run a few more tests 
and make sure that I won't keel over on a flight back to Africa.  Then 
they're shipping me out."

"You can't be serious."  There was conviction in Ryo's voice, a force 
that Niobe couldn't remember ever hearing from the boy.  "NERV can't be 
ready to just... get rid of you like that.  Even if you can't pilot the 
Eva any more, you can -"

"All the decisions have already been made," she replied flatly.  "I was 
only a peripheral element in the whole process - they let me know the 
other day, but I wasn't given any choice in the matter."  Pausing, she 
let herself turn her head partway towards Ryo, just enough to see him 
out of the corner of her eye.  "I suppose on some level it's a good 
thing.  It'll be... different, but better."

"Niobe, I... I don't want you to go."  Ryo's voice was tenative, this 
time as if he was afraid of hearing himself admit to any emotion.  It 
was enough to draw her gaze back towards him completely.  "Even if 
you're not part of NERV any more, I'll let you stay in the apartment.  
You can have your room back - everything's still there -"

The girl shook her head just forcefully enough to stop Ryo from 
continuing, his voice trailing off weakly.  "They'd never let me stay.  
At this point I'm an embarassment to the organization."  She paused, 
sinking her head.  "Besides that... part of the reason that I'm looking 
forward to leaving is you."

Ryo's blood-red eyes went wide, and Niobe stared into them, sensing the 
turmoil just beneath them.  She had no idea what had brought on the 
sudden outpouring of emotion, only knew that she was tired of trying to 
prove herself worthy to the boy when she knew she'd failed long ago.  
"I envied you, Ryo.  You were everything that I couldn't hope to be.  
You were just so... focused, so unquestioning.  I thought that if I 
just tried hard enough, I could be like you..."

The trailing sentence hung in the air for a moment before Niobe picked 
it up again, daggers of resentment stabbing inward.  "I thought that I 
was in love with you.  I don't know what I really felt.  Maybe just 
envy.  Maybe even hatred.  But I knew that I had to be better to earn 
your love, to make you look at me as something other than... well, me."

Both Children simply stared at one another for a moment, Niobe's words 
hanging heavy between them.  "You don't understand," Ryo whispered at 
length, inching closer to the girl.  "There's nothing about me to be 
envied.  I'm just -"

"Please."  It was a quiet statement, but forceful enough to keep the 
boy quiet as Niobe sighed and shook her head.  "I don't think I'd want 
to stay if I could, at least unless I was piloting again.  I don't know 
if I could take looking at you every day and seeing my failure."  
Biting her lip, she hung her head in shame, her fingers clenching 
against the bedsheets.  "I've already lost so much, Ryo.  Every time I 
look at you just reminds me of that."

The expression on the boy's face had gone back to the unemotional mask 
that Niobe was accustomed to - a simple, blank stare in her general 
direction, almost as if he was bored by listening to her.  "Of course," 
he muttered, standing from the chair and casting his eyes away from the 
girl.  "I will pack up your clothes for you.  Let somebody know if you 
want more books, and I will pick them up.  Without school, I have 
little to do."

Something was wrong, and Niobe knew it, but she couldn't bring herself 
to do anything but stare at the boy as he turned away from her bed and 
walked slowly towards the door.  A hiss and a whir, and he was gone, 
light blue hair swishing around his pale neck, leaving Niobe alone on 
the bleached-white sheets, surrounding by nothing but machines.

"He didn't say anything," she whispered to herself, feeling her eyes 
grow hot and watery.  "I told him that I thought I loved him, and he... 
he..."

Droplets of water fell from the girl's eyes, and with a heavy sigh she 
lay herself flat on the bed, pressing her head into the soft warmth of 
the pillow as best she could.  She didn't know what she would do once 
she left Tokyo-3, but even as she knew it would be bad she also was 
looking forward to it.  Anything she could think of would be better 
than what was happening.

                                  ]++[

It was a quiet day at the school, something that Eiko couldn't help but 
notice on a regular basis.  She'd never been fully aware of just how 
much she took in from the world around her, only peripherally - it was 
only when she picked out a subject for drawing that she really paid 
specific attention to details.  But she could tell that everything was 
wrong in the school around her.  It was painfully clear to her, grating 
on her senses like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Somehow, it was made even worse by the tiniest details, by the things 
that she would have normally thought of as immaterial.  She had never 
paid more attention that was necessary in school, but the tired and 
disinterested tone of the lecture drove home the oddity of the 
situation around her.  Hikari and Kensuke had been gone for long enough 
that she almost didn't notice it, but coupled with Vash's inexplicable 
silence it made her feel painfully alone.

Vash.  Hard as she tried, Eiko couldn't sort out her feelings about the 
boy, something in no way helped by his uncharacteristic behavior.  It 
was bad enough that he seemed to have erected a wall between the two of 
them, but he seemed to have already assumed that he had lost her 
affections to Neil.  Eiko had no idea how to deal with that, not even 
entirely sure that she had any affections for Neil in the first place.

"It's undeniable, isn't it?" she muttered to herself, wringing her 
hands anxiously as the sunlight filtered through the slowly-moving 
leaves above her.  "You know that you like him.  You've liked him since 
the day you met.  It's just not something that you expected this soon."

The statement still left her feeling uncomfortable in ways that she 
couldn't put her finger on, and she felt a slight chill pass through 
her despite the typical heat of the day.  Neil was an enigma to her 
emotionally, one made no clearer by his insistence at his own devilish 
leanings.  She wanted, more than anything, to believe that her 
reluctance to make a decision on her feelings towards him sprang from 
that revelation, but she knew that wasn't the case, that there was 
something far more fundamental that hovered just out of the reach of 
her perception.

Eyes closed, she heard Neil's approach before she saw him, her thoughts 
whirling about the heart of the matter like hunters circling a beast 
beyond their abilities to fight.  He was wearing a deep red shirt with 
the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, skin startingly pale despite his 
long time spent within Tokyo-3, blonde hair blowing lightly around his 
face and framing his emerald eyes.  There was something unusual about 
him, an unnatural sort of inner luminescence that radiated something 
less tangible than light.  "Hey," he said simply, hands jammed into his 
pockets, face seemingly calm on the surface but betraying tension lying 
just beneath.

"Hey," she replied, unsure of any other way to reply, trying to stop 
the nervous wringing of her hands.  "I was getting a little worried - 
you were kind of late."

"Yeah.  Sorry about that."  He moved over to the bench that she was 
sitting at, sitting down firmly, tension flickering across his face 
just beneath his expression.  "Nieve and I had to have a talk about... 
something," he offered after a moment, almost as an afterthought.

"Oh."  The reminder stung and drove home her own insecurities about the 
situation, something that she hardly liked to be reminded of.  "It's 
not really a big deal at the moment.  There's barely any school to 
speak of at the moment - it'll hardly matter if I go back on time or at 
all."  She paused, letting the silence sit in the air for a moment, her 
own apprehensions and worries besetting her.  "Do you mind if I ask 
what you and Nieve were talking about?"

"Kind of," replied the boy, hanging his head slightly.  "We've had... 
things happened.  Around us, and with us.  It... it's just 
complicated.  There's no other way to put it."  He sighed.  "You know, 
I really didn't come to Tokyo-3 looking for a relationship, especially 
after I found out why I was brought here in the first place."

Eiko's chest tightened slightly, something inside of her tugging in a 
way that she couldn't remember feeling before.  "Then why do you stay 
with Nieve in the first place?" she asked.  "I know it's not my place 
to ask, really, but..."

"Can we please stop talking about this?" asked Neil, a harsh 
undercurrent of stress lying within his question.  "I've never tried to 
analyze your relationship or why you stay with Vash, and I don't 
pretend to know all the intimate secrets that make it work."

"-Made- it work," replied Eiko weakly, her eyes flicking towards Neil.  
His gaze remained downturned, as though he felt guilty or angry - she 
couldn't tell which.  "It's over between us now, I'm sure of it.  We 
haven't really said as much to one another, but... it's just one of 
those things.  I'm certain."

Neil continued to avoid her eyes, and after a moment she pulled them 
away from him, feeling a deep red flush surge into her cheeks, unsure 
of why she bothered to tell him that she and Vash were breaking up.  
She didn't know what to do, and it was a feeling of weightlessness that 
scared her, not the sort of buoyant feeling that she'd had the first 
time she'd met Neil.

"I'm sorry," the boy offered at length, languidly turning his gaze 
towards her as a fresh breeze ruffled the trees above them.  "That 
wasn't fair, what I said."

"Your relationship, not mine.  You choose whether or not you want to 
let me in on it."  She sighed, hanging her head.  "I'm sorry, too.  I 
feel like I haven't been myself lately, the way that everything's been 
changing..."  She sighed again.  "Ever since you came, actually.  
Nothing's been the same since then."

"Don't say that," requested Neil, pulling his eyes away from Eiko and 
staring up into the slowly swaying tree branches.  "Please don't say 
that.  I don't know if I can deal with that right now."

Another surge of tension echoed in Eiko's chest as she cautiously 
turned her eyes towards the boy sitting beside her, as though she was 
afraid looking on him would cause her to go blind.  His face was drawn, 
tired, and Eiko realized something that she should have known, that the 
conversation between he and Nieve had not simply been a discussion of 
something amiable.  "What... do you mean by that?"

"We were arguing, all right?"  Neil's eyes had snapped shut, something 
in his expression changing at the question.  It was only barely 
visible, but Eiko knew it was there, saw it in every line of his face 
even as she found herself unable to describe it.  "We were having an 
argument about why I'd asked to spend a night alone."

Eiko's chest was tensed near to the breaking point now, and she 
couldn't help but inch closer to the boy.  "Why did you?" she asked, 
volume scarcely above a whisper.

"I can't talk about this with you," replied Neil in a tone that sounded 
less angry and more frustrated.  He pushed himself off the bench, 
raising his hands to his forehead, muttering under his breath as he 
quickly paced a short distance away from the bench.  "God, why did all 
of this have to happen..."

A whisper began to escape the girl's lips, a question that she hadn't 
the courage to ask but that Neil seemed to know anyways.  "I said why 
did all this have to happen NOW," he offered, whirling to face her, 
emerald eyes reflecting an emotion that excited and scared her.  He 
looked tortured in ways that Eiko couldn't begin to imagine.  "I don't 
understand why it had to be now, right now, that you and Vash start 
breaking up for good.  Things could finally have started to get... to 
get... I don't know."

"Neil, you're babbling," offered Eiko, standing and stepping towards 
the boy slowly, trying to keep her face calm as she touched her hand to 
his shoulder gently.  "Relax.  Just tell me what's going on, and I 
promise that I won't be mad."

The boy's eyes momentarily met hers, and he shook his head, pulling 
himself away from her hand.  "Why did you have to be on that hill 
there?" he asked, sounding almost plaintive.  "Why couldn't you have 
been somewhere else?  Better yet, why couldn't you and Vash be reaching 
the breaking point then, not now?"

Both Children stared into one another's eyes for a moment, a motion 
that they could only sustain for a few seconds before Eiko forced 
herself to pull away.  There was a growing discomfort in the pit of her 
stomach.  "I don't understand what you're talking about," she said as 
flatly as possible, trying her best to remain calm.

"You have to.  -Please- tell me you do."  He sighed, obviously 
overwrought.  "Or maybe it would be better if you told me you had no 
idea after all.  Maybe that would be the most tolerable option left.  
Then we could just go on with our lives normally, as though nothing bad 
passed between us, just..."

Silence hung in the air for a moment, only broken by the gentle and 
steady stirring of the leaves around the Children.  "I like you, Eiko," 
said Neil at length, his voice sounding terrified and hopeful, broken 
and energized, a mass of contradictions forced into noise.

"I like you too," replied Eiko, knowing full well what he meant and 
wishing that she didn't.

An eternity passed again before the girl felt his hand on her shoulder, 
a slight start passing through her body as she turned to face him.  "I 
thought that... I thought that there was no chance of us being..."  He 
stammered for a moment.  "You know.  When Nieve arrived, I just... 
neither of us expected for anything to happen.  Something did anyways.  
It wasn't as though we'd been planning it."  He sighed.  "I sound like 
I'm apologizing to my wife."

Eiko's eyes were wide, flicking about the terrace, taking in the 
details around her in the hope of finding something stable to clasp 
onto.  She could feel herself drawing the smooth mosaic of light and 
shadow in her mind, the way that the patterns played across the gray 
stone and surrounded both her and Neil.  "I don't know what to say," 
she said, having no difficulty whatsoever sounding sincere.

"Neither do I.  I'm ad-libbing this."  He sank his head slightly, his 
hand tightening slightly on her shoulder.  "We shouldn't even be having 
this conversation.  This is wrong, and we both know it."

"Why?" replied Eiko, reaching a hand out to his cheek, letting her 
fingers brush against his skin lightly.  It was smooth, delicate, a 
wonderfully soft sensation, but somehow it almost made her recoil, as 
though there was something innately wrong with touching it.  "Why is it 
wrong for us to talk about this?  We're friends, right?  We can be 
honest with mone another, can't we?"

"I'm with Nieve," replied Neil, breaking his grip on Eiko's shoulder, 
the subtle torment from before surging from behind his eyes once 
again.  "You don't understand what life is like for her, the things 
that she's been forced to suffer.  It isn't fair for anyone, least of 
all her, least of all someone so genuinely good-hearted and..."  He 
shook his head, just weakly enough to avoid removing her hand 
entirely.  "I can't."

"Do you love her?" asked Eiko, drawing Neil's eyes back towards her 
with an almost unnatural speed.  She could only match his gaze for a 
moment or two, then forced herself to turn away, lids closing halfway 
over her eyes.  "That's the question, right?  Do you love her?"

"Even if I said no, it wouldn't make it the right thing to do," Neil 
replied, casting his eyes away from the girl as well.  "I'm with her 
now.  I... I can't leave her."  He sighed.  "Don't you understand, 
Eiko?  Don't you know what that would mean about me as a person?  I 
don't want to do that, even if..."

Another breeze stirred the branches overhead, sending the light and 
shadow mosaic into a tumult, the specks of light shifting all about 
stone pattern as if caught within a cyclone.  Eiko felt the tension in 
her chest grow as she reached out weakly towards Neil, her hand 
touching and holding his cheek once again, this time forcing him to 
look at her.  "It's not wrong," she whispered.  "We're not doing 
anything wrong."

Neil said nothing as the girl's lips moved closer to his, her eyes 
slowly closing in time with his, their bodies moving in an intricate 
and agonizingly slow collision course.  A mumbled noise passed the 
boy's lips, but it was too quiet to comprehend.  His hands simply moved 
to the small of her back, pressing against her skin gently but firmly, 
sending a minor rush of excitement tingling along her spine.  It seemed 
as though the instant before the kiss would go on forever as she slowly 
moved bother her hands to the sides of his head, her fingers tangling 
about in his blonde hair, something inside her slowly breaking apart.

Then, almost as if by accident, their lips touched.  It was a moment 
surprising in its inevitability, and in the shock neither boy nor girl 
could think of doing anything but kissing.  A single tear slipped from 
Eiko's eye as she felt her lips press hard against Neil's, their tongue 
gently and almost cautiously touching together.  It was warm, inviting, 
almost the perfect kiss, tainted somehow by the simple knowledge that 
it wasn't Vash.

With sharp force, Neil tore his lips away from the girl's, his eyes 
flying open and his hands jerking free of her body.  Her eyes flew open 
accordingly, and staring into his she could see a look at horror 
directed inward, at utter shock at his own deeds.  "I'm a monster," he 
whispered, taking a step backwards, letting Eiko's fingers fall free of 
his hair.  "I shouldn't have done that.  I shouldn't have... I don't..."

"Stay."  Eiko's voice was trembling as she stepped towards the boy, 
even as his feet hit the stone beneath him lightly.  "Please, Neil, 
just stay here.  Don't worry right this instant about whether or no you 
should or shouldn't have done something, just stay."

There was no response from the boy, and Eiko could feel tears beginning 
to push into her eyes.  "I don't know how I feel about you, Neil.  I 
just want to try and find out.  Is that so bad?  Is it so horrifying to 
think that you might like being with me?"

"I shouldn't ever find out," replied Neil, his voice strangely forceful 
as he continued stepping backwards and away from the girl.  "I 
shouldn't care.  It shouldn't matter.  I... I'm sorry."  His eyes 
closed, lids twitching gently as he stepped beyond the shaded terrace.  
"I'm sorry that I ever invaded your life."

Neil turned and half-walked, half-ran out of the terrace, his legs 
moving swiftly, head hung as his purple shirt fluttered slightly around 
his body.  The image sent an inexplicable shiver down Eiko's spine even 
as she felt a tearing surge of guilt and confusion, her lips still 
lightly tasting Neil's kiss.  Sighing heavily, she turned towards the 
school, having no interest in returning but not wanting to be alone 
with her thoughts.

Vash was standing between her and the door, his face a mask of 
something that Eiko couldn't pick out.  She felt her heart skip for a 
moment, her muscles all tensing in one painful motion, eyes going wide 
and mouth shocking itself dry.  "Vash," she whispered, another blush 
seeping through her cheeks.  "How... how long have you been out here?"

"Doesn't matter," replied the boy, sinking his head slightly and 
shaking it, his darkening hair swishing about limply.  He looked like 
nothing so much as a broken man, and Eiko suddenly felt painfully aware 
of how much he resembled his father, a man that she remembered only 
distantly but clearly enough.  "Silly question, really.  You know what 
I saw, without having to ask me.  So unless I felt like lying and 
pretending nothing happened..."

"Please, Vash, talk to me," Eiko pleaded, walking towards the boy, the 
tension in her chest almost unbearable, her mind filled with the memory 
of watching Neil crush Vash's entry plug into shards.  "You can't be 
angry with me when you won't even tell me what's going on."

Vash's eyes drifted closed almost casually, his entire body slumping 
against the wall beside the door.  "Who says there has to be anything 
going on?" he asked, disquietingly calm about the situation.  "I'm not 
angry, you know that.  Maybe there's nothing abnormal about me 
whatsoever."

"There -is-," Eiko insisted.  The horrific vision of EVA-03's death 
throes wouldn't leave her mind as she instinctively bit her lower lip, 
nervousness rising like flood waters.  "You haven't been acting the 
same at all since you were inside the Thirteenth Angel, and you won't 
let me know what's going on.  You just keep acting more and more 
different, and -"

"And how do you know that this is me not acting normal?" snapped Vash, 
his eyes flying open as he fixed the girl with a piercing stare.  "How 
do you know that you just don't know me as well as you'd like to think 
you do?  You can't even start to imagine what it's like to..."  He 
shook his head.  "Forget it.  It's not worth bothering with."

Eiko's fists clenched tightly, her nails biting into her skin.  The 
leaves above her ruffled once again, and she became painfully aware for 
not the first time how alone she truly was, how vacant the school had 
become since what seemed like horrifically recent events.  "Vash, 
I..."  The words caught in her throat, frozen by indecision and doubt 
and fear.  "Please, please, don't assume anything.  I... I don't..."

"I'm not angry," sighed Vash, turning and opening the door back into 
the school, his entire body slumped slightly forward.  "I hope that the 
two of you are happy together.  Neil's a lot more honest with himself 
about who he is.  You know what you're getting into."

The door swung shut, and Eiko was left standing alone, the mosaic of 
shadow and light whirling about her feet, her heart fluttering and 
tensing in ways that pained her even to conceive of.  She was still 
standing in that half-numbed state when the Angel alert tore through 
the city, a call to action that could only make her think of what Neil 
had said about the Eva and the image of Vash's entry plug crushed 
within his hand.

                                  ]++[

"Sixteenth Angel is holding a steady position," announced Makoto, 
ignoring the pain in his wrists as he worked his own display, trying to 
cycle through the various gauges as best he could.  It had been his job 
since the inception of NERV, but he knew realistically that it hadn't 
been that long since he first began to truly play the role.  There had 
been no Angels for the longest time that it had seemed almost like a 
joke of job, as though he had nothing to do except be on call in the 
amazingly remote possibility that an Angel attacked Tokyo-3.

Flicking his eyes up to the main screen, he felt himself grow 
nostalgic, remembering the approach of the Third Angel and the 
excitement mixed with terror that the whole of NERV's staff had felt on 
that day.  The midnight-black beast that had attacked the city that day 
was what everyone had been waiting for since the day that they had 
signed on with the organization.  Until then they had never been forced 
to see if they were cut out for the job; the extreme trial by fire that 
they had gone through then was almost like a rebirth, a beautiful 
beginning to NERV's mission despite the horror of the night.

"Pattern is confirmed blue."  His voice was languid as he stared at the 
Angel, knowing that the energy of the entire organization had seeped 
out like a bleeding wound.  He felt some vague terror staring at the 
glowing ring of light hovering above a wooded patch of Tokyo-3, but 
more than anything he simply felt a creeping sensation of depression.  
"AT Field is extremely thin, barely an inch from the surface of its 
body.  The Evas will have to engage it in close combat."

Misato was gently thumbing her chin, trying to take the opportunity to 
collect her thoughts.  She was exhausted, and she knew that it showed 
to everyone around her.  The only solace that she could take was in the 
fact that she was uncovering more information than she'd ever thought 
possible, and nobody would suspect her exhaustion to come from anything 
besides her normal wanton habits.  "Pilots," she muttered, closing her 
eyes for a second and then flicking them in Maya's direction.

"Rei, Eiko, and Vash are within the facility," replied Maya.  "Nieve, 
Neil, and Ryo are believed to be en route.  Rei and Vash are already 
prepped for launch."

"Launch EVA-06 and EVA-07," announced Gendou flatly, the measured and 
controlled calm of his voice perhaps the sole thing about NERV that 
hadn't changed since the first battle against the Angels.  Had he been 
lower or more familiar to the majority of the staff, they might have 
able to see the lines of stress etching themselves deeper into his 
face, but for all anyone below could see he was unchanged since the 
beginning.  "Monitor the beast's AT Field to see if it expands further."

Acknowledgement came from below, but Gendou ignored it, twitching ever 
so slightly to acknowledge Fuyutsuki entering from behind.  The elder 
man said nothing until he had walked to Gendou's side, leaning close 
enough to talk softly despite the cacophony of the command center.  
"I've just finished speaking with SEELE.  They've already made their 
decisions about the transfer."

"Inevitable, I suppose," replied Gendou, keeping his eyes fixed 
forward, his voice muffled slightly by his hands tented in front of his 
mouth.  "They may not know exactly what we're up to here, but they know 
enough to try and complicate it however they can.  No huge surprise 
there."

Kozou frowned, then stood tall, his eyes catching the steady display of 
the main screen, the Angel floating without any signs of activity.  
"They couldn't be that foolish."  His volume had increased now, but 
still quiet enough to avoid being overheard.  "This is a critical time 
for their project as well.  They wouldn't send you -"

"You're becoming too concerned about this.  That's exactly what they 
want."  The barest of smiles tickled at the edges of Gendou's lips, 
invisible but still present.  "Don't you see, Kozou?  They're trying to 
throw a wrench into our plans when they're ennabling us to move 
faster.  The final seal will be broken in such a way that we will be 
more than capable of acting before they can."

"I certainly hope you're right," replied Kozou, his voice leaving 
little doubt as to how convincing he considered Gendou's statement.  
"They might be taking that into account, however.  They've known things 
that they shouldn't have before now."

"And we hold more cards than they know, no matter the situation," 
replied Gendou.  "They lack the imagination to thwart our plans.  They 
simply read their scriptures and follow them, unable to deviate in any 
meaningful way."  He averted his gaze from the main screen to stare at 
Fuyutsuki.  "Don't lose your nerve now, Dr. Fuyutsuki.  This is not the 
time to be questioning your faith."

"There never was a time, was there?" muttered Fuyutsuki, keeping his 
voice low enough to be silent to Gendou's ears.  There was an ache in 
his body that he couldn't quite place, and as he stared up at the 
shimmering ring of light that he knew was their most recent Angel he 
felt it redouble.  "I should have known before we started."

                                  ]++[

Vash's eyes were closed, though the absolute blackness of the entry 
plug made it largely a meaningless gesture.  It was a meditative 
gesture, an attempt to lose himself in the smooth motion of the plug 
towards the back of his machine, sending him into combat for the first 
time since his experience with the Thirteenth Angel.  The fact was not 
lost on him as he slowly flexed his semi-artificial left arm, an 
appendage that had somehow grown to simultaneously feel more and less 
alien as time passed.

"No more Eiko and Vash," he muttered to himself, distantly hearing the 
mechanical noise of the Eva's back opening up to accept the entry plug, 
his teeth setting firmly as it began to slide inside.  "Good for 
Neil."  It was a concept that he felt oddly numb about - he'd expected 
to be angry, sad, something other than simply accepting.  But there was 
something else blocking off any emotion besides a grim relief, 
something that Vash couldn't quite put his finger on but was there 
despite that fact.

LCL began to seep into the chamber, and Vash began breathing steadily, 
prepared for the rush of liquid into his lungs and the salty blood 
sting on his tongue.  It was surprising how easily he'd remembered the 
way that it had slipped won his throat, and even more to his surprise 
he'd found himself more and more drawn to it.  When the orange-red 
fluid passed his lips and sank into his lungs, he was surprised to find 
himself almost thankful after he had finished with the normal brief fit 
of coughing.  Somehow it comforted him, knowing that he was still a 
pilot despite his failures, that he still had something to cling to.

"Eiko and Vash are gone," he muttered, opening his eyes as he felt the 
external cameras pop on, knowing it would be only a few seconds until 
he was expected to synchronize with the Eva.  Despite his numbness, the 
thought wouldn't leave his mind, and he sighed as he extended his 
perception outwards towards the Eva's body, the machine's left arm 
somehow feeling almost more natural than his own.

The radio hissed to life, and Vash's eyes drifted closed again 
unconciously.  "EVA-06 is online," he said, keeping his voice calm and 
measured, forcing himself to focus on the machine around him.  It was 
steadily growing less disquieting that he derived comfort from it.  
"What's my synch ratio looking like?"

"51%," replied Maya's voice, some exhaustion creeping in past her 
enthusiasm.  "Not quite at the level that you'd had before, but getting 
closer."

"Good."  A deep sigh escaped Vash's lips as Misato began talking, 
explaining the mission plan.  He was ignoring her, knowing full well 
that any kind of plan would invariably break down almost the second the 
machines emerged on the surface.  Besides, his thoughts were elsewhere, 
slowly flitting through the cybernetic neurons and artificial fibers 
that mingled with the biological structure of the Eva.  He had never 
let himself fully appreciate the nightmarish nature of the golems, the 
harsh welding of flesh and metal.

"Vash and Eiko are gone," he whispered to himself.  "Vash is gone.  
Vash never existed."  He removed one hand from the handrests, letting 
his fingers run through his hair, hanging limply around his head, the 
black showing through with increasing volume.  "Just Koji Nekasa, 
Fourth Child."  His teeth set hard against one another.  "That's all I 
ever really was after all."

Hearing the words come from his own lips stung, and Vash could feel a 
rage begin to bubble inside his gut as he felt the machine around him 
lurch towards the launch tube, distantly aware that he was going to be 
sent against the Angel.  Around him was the Eva unit, a comforting 
presence, its thoughts a whispering cacophony of soothing anger.  "Are 
you angry, too?" he asked nobody, for once unfazed by the sharp 
acceleration vertically.

Fingers tightened around the handrests as Vash - no, Koji - pushed his 
thoughts further into the Eva, trying to hear it.  "You're hiding 
something, too," he said calmly, distantly curious about whether or not 
the beast could hear him.  "You aren't really this mechanical thing, 
are you?  Even if you don't have a brain to tell you... you know that 
you're really an Angel.  It's in your nature.  It's what you are."

The exit port irised open above the forest-green golem, and as it 
lurched to a stop Koji leveled his eyes on the glowing ring of an 
Angel, blue eyes sparkling with an energy borne of self-loathing as his 
darkening hair settled against his head.  An image of his father 
floated briefly before him, the older man reclining in his filth-
encrusted chair, staining away his cares with the arms of alcohol.  "We 
are what we are.  And nobody wants that."  He bit his lower lip for a 
moment, then launched himself forward.

A sharp reprimand sounded through the radio, but Koji ignored it, lips 
curling into a snarl as he raced towards the glowing Angel.  With a 
quick motion of his shoulder, his prog knife flipped out and fell into 
his hand, his machine never slowing for a second in its race towards 
the target.  Skidding to a halt and kicking up a great cloud of dust, 
Koji let out a battle cry as he brought the prog knife down in a 
slashing motion with all the force he could muster, expecting to tear 
through the ring.

His assumption seemed partially correct, but he felt no resistance 
offered as the knife cleaved through the beast, and his eyes snapped up 
to see it slowly parting from the location of the supposed wound.  Then 
the glowing strand straightened itself for a second, apparently 
unconcerned by the cut.  It hovered as nothing more than a bar of light 
for a moment, then suddenly seemed to go fluid once again, coiling like 
a snake in mid-air and lashing out towards Koji's head.

"No noticable damage to the Angel from the attack," announced Makoto as 
EVA-06 barely managed to swing away from the attacking strand, his eyes 
slowly tracing the Angel's motions as it swerved about like some lethal 
worm.  "The Angel's AT Field has shifted slightly, but it's maintained 
roughly the same power output as before."

"Containment," announced Misato, watching as the beast wove about, 
trying to hit Koji's machine and missing by scant inches.  The green 
Eva was obviously being taxed to the absolute limits of its abilities, 
but it was keeping pace with the Angel, even occasionally making a 
knife swipe as Rei moved to retrieve some heavier weaponry.  "The AT 
Field isn't holding us out, it's holding the Angel in.  That's why it's 
so thin - it's just moving and reacting to the shape the Angel needs to 
take."

The Angel swung around to take another stab at Koji, its body trailing 
behind and whipping about like the tail of some predatory beast.  It 
would have frightened him nearly any other day, but he could feel the 
Eva soothing around him, something inexplicably horrible and yet 
perfectly comfortable for his thoughts.  It stabbed forward, and with a 
flick of his wrist Koji brought his prog knife around to slice at it, 
scoring a quick cut along its side as it lunged.

Recoiling momentarily, the would-be tail whipped around and began 
diving at Koji with a mind of its own.  "It's not an animal," Koji 
snarled to himself, rolling aside and springing to his feet as trees 
fell lifeless around him.  "That's not really a tail.  It's just toying 
with me right now."

Before the Angel to jab at him again, the sharp report of a gun firing 
filled the air, and the Angel's surface exploded in bright orange 
octagons as it recoiled from the blast.  Koji briefly glanced towards 
Rei to see the girl's bone-white machine wielding a shotgun in one 
hand, lowering the weapon as her other hand brought up a standard-issue 
rifle.  "We need to distract it," she said calmly.  "Neutralize its AT 
Field, and it should fall."

Nodding, Koji dropped into a crouch and sprang at the writhing snake, 
its body aflame in octagonal patterns as it tried hopelessly to flow 
away from the hail of bullets.  A few shots glanced off his own field 
as he reversed his grip on the knife, the blade pointing downward as he 
thrust it forward.  "Neutralizing AT Field," he announced, slamming his 
prog knife against the beast's field as he spread his own, feeling the 
two press together as his free hand gripped the snake firmly.

Then, to his shock, he felt a hold emerge in his own field, as though 
the Angel were merging with it, forcing its way in instead of dropping 
its own defenses.  The writhing head of the snake jabbed itself towards 
Koji's midsection, and with a swift motion it had slammed into and 
through it.

"AT Field pattern of Angel and EVA-06 are merging!" announced Maya, 
sounding shocked but not panicked.  "Neurofeedback is emerging and 
steadily increasing!  Synch ratio holding steady at 51%, but there's no 
clear way of telling whether or not Vash is still in control of his 
machine!"

Blood issued forth from Koji's lips, darkening the LCL even as he saw 
the camera display begin to flicker around him.  It was painful, 
nothing that he hadn't expected, but there was something more severe 
rolling within his gut besides the sensation of being pierced by the 
Angel.  Glancing down, he could see the snake still twitching, seeming 
to even elongate and make quick jabs at Rei protected by 06's AT 
Field.  "What the hell is this thing doing?" he snarled, his fingers 
tightening around the handrests as he tried to jerk away from Rei.

"Koji."

It was a quiet voice, enough so that he almost didn't notice it as he 
forced the forest-green Eva's hands towards the wriggling parasite 
jutting out from his gut.  It felt as though he was forcing his arms 
through ground glass, slicing and tearing through his skin and veins, 
even as the pain deep within his gut grew more unbearable.  Still, he 
persisted, knowing that he needed to force the Angel out to have any 
chance of victory.

"Koji Nekasa."  The second time he could not help but hear the voice, 
eerily familiar to his ears.  "You can hear me, can't you, Koji?  My 
words make sense to you, don't they?"

Jerking his head around quickly, Koji felt the pain in his gut increase 
momentarily before he felt something shudder beneath him.  Within what 
seemed like an instant, the cockpit dissolved into a mist of blood, 
allowing him to turn completely and face the source of the mocking 
voice.

It was him standing there, floating in nothing, eyes vacant and wide, 
smile numb.  The hair was still pointed and blonde, however, a smooth 
and ordered facade that made Vash vaguely uncomfortable simply by its 
presence.  "Who are you?" he asked, his fists clenching, anger 
building.  "What are you doing inside of my entry plug?  Hell, how 
didn't I notice you before?"

"I am that I am," replied the figure, jerking its head slightly to one 
side.  It was wearing his purple-black plugsuit, the shape of its body 
making it painfully clear to Koji that it was still in possession of 
both its natural arms.  "Am I not that which you seek?  Am I not the 
body that you want to have?"

Eyes widening, Koji tried to get closer to the figure, then the sound 
of rending metal and a harsh impact drew him back to the cockpit of Eva 
in a quick whirl of liquid and metal.  His Eva had slammed down on its 
back now with enough force to damage the entry plug, and the boy winced 
as he felt a small shard of metal draw roughly against his cheek.  
"It's attacking my machine from within," he snarled, forcing his arms 
further downward, trying with all his might to seize upon the wriggling 
form of the Angel.

As the pain in his arms began to grow unbearable, he felt his fingers 
mercifully close on his quarry, slowly encircling the shimmering body 
of the beast.  His fists closed tightly, then with all the strength he 
could muster he began pulling, the muscles of his arms straining hard 
against the Angel's might.  It seemed determined to remain embedded 
within his body, to anchor itself to the Eva's flesh, and even as the 
static flickered across his display he could see dark pink flesh slowly 
growing around the Angel within him.

The Eva's muscles never faltered, and Vash poured himself into the 
seemingly simple motion, struggling to rip the Angel out of his body.  
He was too focused to notice his hands until he had been pulling for a 
moment, but the second that his eyes fell upon them he felt himself 
falter for just a moment.  They were covered in something 
indescribable, like the roots of plants pushing themselves up from 
within his skin, spreading upwards along his fingers.

Recoiling in horror, he glanced down to his gut to see the same root-
like fingers rolling along his skin, slowly creeping upwards towards 
his head.  All thoughts of yanking the Angel out had been forgotten as 
he began trying to slap down the sudden protrusions across his skin.  
The pain was intensifying, and he could feel something indescribably 
else slipping into his body along with them.  "Get out," he growled, 
feeling the protrusions hard and rigid beneath his hands.  "Get out!"

"Why would you want that?"  The voice was his, but not his, possessed 
of the alien otherness of his earlier self, now squatting at the far 
end of the entry plug rather casually.  The view outside had been 
replaced with darkness, LCL turning a bright orange-red as it seemed to 
thicken around the two figures.  "You and I are the same.  You believe 
it yourself."

Koji stared for a moment, protrusions continuing to spread along his 
body slowly, his previous self staring at him blankly.  "The Angel," he 
whispered, eyes widening.  "Of course.  I should have known.  You're 
trying to do the same thing that you did to me before."  He scowled.  
"Do you know each other?  Do you get a good laugh out of what happens 
to us?"

The apparition ignored the boy's remarks, simply drifting closer as the 
color of the LCL intensified.  "Is that not your dream?  Mutability?  
Don't you want to be able to change as it suits you?"  The figure 
smiled.  "You seek it even as you deny and curse it."

One root-encrusted hand flew towards the leering mockery, striking it 
firmly on the nose and sending it drifting back through the entry 
plug.  Koji forced himself to his feet, feeling as he did so that the 
world was shifting around him.  A moment later he found himself ankle-
deep in LCL, his counterpart splashing into the liquid roughly, the 
room around him dark and featureless.  "Get out of my mind," he 
snarled, wading forward slightly.  "I don't want you in here."

"Liar."  LCL shifted as the Angel stood, letting the bloody liquid drip 
off it in slow streams.  "You lie to both of us.  Let it go, Koji.  
Join me.  Let us work together, to be what we are supposed to be."

"I'm not interested!" shouted the boy, trying his best to rush forward 
through the liquid that sloshed around his ankles.  He had kept his 
hand clenched in a tight fist, and with a cry of rage he swung at the 
Angel's avatar, growing only angrier as the blow struck air.  Another 
swing missed as well, and before he could try to land another he felt a 
force like a steamroller connect with his chin.

His body fell backwards, but instead of the warm and cloying embrace of 
LCL he felt only harsh pavement.  It took him a second to see his 
surroundings, the deserted streets of Tokyo-3, whitewashed buildings 
surrounding him like the walls of an asylum.  Above him stood Neil, a 
smug grin on the blonde boy's face, green eyes burning like a demon 
fire.  "You are interested," mocked Neil's face.  "You know our power.  
And you have no substance to pollute."

Koji wasted no time in thought, simply lashed upwards with his foot, 
letting the limb strike hard against Neil's chest.  He knew it wasn't 
really the boy, but it felt undeniably wonderful to hurt something that 
looked like Neil, even if it was just wearing his skin.  "You're my 
enemy," he snarled, forcing himself to his feet as Neil staggered 
backwards, lashing out with a fist before the blonde boy had the time 
to recover fully.  "I don't want anything from you except your life."

Neil's mouth half-opened, but Koji ignored it, letting another fist 
pound into the boy's skin, the hard impact feeling better with each 
blow that he landed.  Neil's form was withering under the assault, the 
way that Vash knew it should have the day they met.  Something in him 
was shutting off the reality of the situation, letting him mercilessly 
assault the boy, harsh blows driving into his face and gut as the white-
washed street seemed to grow dimmer around him.  It was only a 
peripheral concern to him, his entire attention on beating Neil 
senseless, even as the noise of skin hitting skin began to be replaced 
with the harsh tones of metal slamming together.

It wasn't until Neil fought back that Koji even realized that something 
was wrong, and even then the reaction was delayed as his quarry gripped 
his wrists and threw him.  He only distantly noticed the crushing 
noises beneath him, the hailstones now falling along his body, the 
sudden sense of distance.  But as he looked back towards Neil he 
realized that the boy's form had been replaced with the dark silhouette 
of EVA-01, the leering jaws and horned helmet looking like a demon 
fresh from hell.

"The Thirteenth," he whispered, looking down at his hands as he 
realized he was inside of his Eva.  The same contamination was spread 
along them, just as it had been on that day and as it was growing along 
his body in the real world.  It was full along him now, a ridged mass 
prohibiting his movement, keeping him locked in his cockpit as the 
horrific and wordless voice of the Angel in his machine taunted him.

EVA-01 was moving towards him slowly, leering as the thick shards of 
ice pinged against its armor, moving towards Koji like an executioner.  
Almost cautiously Koji reached up to his hair, and to his shock he 
could feel it perfectly ordered and spiked above him, as he'd always 
arranged it before the horrific events of that day.  "It was a dream?" 
he asked himself, slowly focusing on the Eva bearing down on him.  
"Just some nightmare of the Angel?"

As the other machine moved towards him, his memory whirled backwards, 
recalling how the scene had ended, the crushed entry plug like a 
shining beacon in his memory.  "You know he'll do it," whispered 
another voice, slipping into the noise screaming from his Eva.  "Get 
him first.  Show him what it feels like to be crushed alive.  This is 
still your Eva.  It obeys you."

Without further goading, Vash let out a cry, forcing his machine to its 
feet and knocking away the purple Eva's hands.  His golem's black and 
purple skin seemed almost a relief as he shoved Neil away, flexing his 
limbs, feeling them extend and retract at his whim.  "You're not going 
to get away with this, Richelieu," he snarled.  "I won't -let- you!"

His hand whipped up and dug itself deep into the riveted chest armor of 
EVA-01, tearing the metal even as his free hand moved to rip the armor 
free.  It came off with a gigantic tearing noise, blood spilling freely 
from the purple machine as Vash lashed out and grabbed it by the neck 
with one hand.  The other was plunging into the chest, fingers seeking 
the entry plug, anger welling as a sinister grin crept across the boy's 
face.

Reality reasserted itself half a second later as Koji's hand closed 
around the entry plug, something in the back of his mind snapping him 
to attention as a harsh impact jolted his Eva around.  The real world 
swayed back into view, the LCL around Koji a deep orange-red, the 
display flickering with static and giving him only a blurred picture as 
he felt his machine slam into something mysterious.  "No," he snarled.  
"Just because I hate Neil... that's got nothing to do with it!  I don't 
want revenge!"

"You do," replied the mocking voice of the Angel even as Koji looked at 
his body in horror, seeing the ridges covering his body, feeling the 
horrible sensation of something crawling through his veins.  "We can 
let you do that, Koji.  We can make you like us.  Eternally changing, 
reacting, adapting.  You would love it.  No substance, simply 
dynamism..."

"Stop -saying- that!" screamed the boy, desperately trying to get some 
sort of picture of what was going on outside, catching only quick 
glimpses of Rei's Eva moving about, the shimmering tendril of the Angel 
stabbing at her idly.  "I am what I am.  I don't want to keep changing 
my face for the people around me!"

"Liar," replied the Angel.  His face was beginning to materialize in 
front of him, the blonde hair slicked back, the eyes vacant and the 
mouth twisted into a sinister grin.  "You want to.  You want to be 
anything other than what you are, don't you?"  The voice paused, then 
broke into laughter as Koji tried to claw at the apparition.  "Look at 
yourself.  Even now, you're just acting the part of the wounded pilot, 
the broken man.  You're not able to face yourself."

Koji - Vash - whatever his name, the boy sitting in the cockpit 
screamed, clutching his hands at the handrests, then at the leering 
face in front of him.  It seemed an eternity before he realized that 
his hands were still locked around the Angel outside him, and with a 
growl he began to pull, coughing blood once again as slivers of evil 
forced their way into his brain.

"EVA-06's pilot is regaining control!" shouted Maya, hammering away at 
her keyboard, the previous boredom lost in the fearsome sight on the 
main screen.  The green Eva had pitched on its back and was struggling 
with the glowing worm wrapped around it, but it was obviously fighting 
a steadily losing battle, and there were signs that something new was 
growing beneath the Eva's armor.  "Synch ratio is up to 24% and 
rising - slowly, but actively!  He's trying to take it back from the 
Angel!"

"And it's trying to take it from him," replied Misato.  She stared for 
a moment, her eyes narrowing, then widening in shock.  "Or maybe it's 
trying to take -him- from -it-."

"Ridiculous," Ritsuko offered, her eyes flicking back and forth between 
the main screen and Maya's display.  There had been an almost eerie 
cold growing around the blonde woman, due in no doubt to the events 
with Ryoji Kaji.  "The Angels have never shown any interest in the 
pilots.  We know full well what their objective is."

"Maybe we don't."  Misato's voice was not so much angry as simply 
curious, her feet drawing her closer to the main screen.  The entire 
command room seemed to have grown silent, the echoing and vast halls 
almost like those of a cathedral.  "We've made assumptions, made 
guesses... but what if they've been deceiving us?  What if their 
objective was never the Second Angel -"

She paused for a moment, glancing up at the commander.  She knew, 
academically, that it was classified information, that the Second Angel 
was not supposed to even be held at Central Dogma.  But he had no 
reaction, and in the back of her mind she wondered if it was another 
secret that everyone but her had been in on.  "What if the Angels 
weren't seeking their own, but were seeking -us-?  What if they've been 
trying to get to us the whole time, and we've been rushing to meet them 
without realizing it?"

No response was offered to the unexpected philosophy, and as Misato 
cast her gaze back towards the main screen she knew that she would have 
to do something other than theorize.  "Launch EVA-04," she said curtly, 
wondering almost idly what reasons were given to others for the Angel's 
inexplicable draw to Tokyo-3.  "Try to re-establish communications with 
the entry plug inside of unit 06 - I don't care how we do it, but give 
us -some- method of talking to the boy."

Eiko had received no radio contact when she felt her Eva lurch out of 
its place, heading towards the launch platform, her nerves snapping at 
attention with a nervous terror.  The LCL around her tasted dank, old, 
as though the disgusting blood tint of the liquid wasn't bad enough as 
it was.  "Will I be in charge of support fire?" she asked reluctantly, 
almost certain that her job would be harder than that.

"You will extract the Sixteenth Angel from EVA-06," replied the cold 
and measured tone of Gendou Ikari, his seeming contempt for the girl 
tangible across her skin.  The Eva seemed to move in time with his 
words, lurching to a stop as he fell silent, the clicks of a preparing 
launch filling her ears.  "Should the unit be possessed, you will 
destroy it and its pilot."

A surge of adrenaline coursed through the girl's veins as she recalled 
the death of Vash's last Eva unconsciously, her hands tightening around 
the handrests in front of her as the silver machine began lurching 
towards the surface.  Her mind was aching for the time to stop and 
process, to do anything but simply throw herself into conflict after 
conflict, yet it was painfully clear that she would get no such 
reprieve.  "Vash, please, help me," she muttered to herself, painfully 
aware of the approaching surface.

With no warning, the Eva slammed to a stop, quickly disengaging the few 
remaining restraints and practically hurling her forward.  Her breath 
was coming quickly, and she struggled to take in the scene around her, 
eyes whirling about the maze of the battlefield.  She could see the 
Angel twitching and stabbing, Rei's bone-white goliath firing 
dispassionately, and Vash's poor machine clutching frantically at the 
Angel's wound.  They all seemed as though they were disconnected 
elements of a larger picture, something she was observing but not part 
of.

Then everything snapped into frantic motion, clouds of dust swirling 
about as if they were alive and darkening the high sun, the Angel's 
snaking form lashing out as Rei stepped nimbly about it.  Eiko forced 
herself to take a deep breath as she let her Eva start moving forward, 
noticing the odd symmetry between Rei and her opponent, both moving 
with an almost alien grace and certainty.  "I'm coming, Vash!" she 
shouted, her movements slowly growing more sure.

Koji forced himself to look towards the source of the voice.  Eiko's 
machine glinted silver under the sunlight, penetrating the maze of dust 
and static that clouded his vision, like some sort of divine savior.  
"Eiko!" he shouted, his determination bolstered for a moment, his 
fingers digging more tightly into the Angel embedded within him.

It took a second for him to remember seeing her and Neil kissing in the 
terrace, remember how quickly she had left him behind for the American 
boy.  Something inexplicable took hold of him, and he could hear the 
Angel whispering reminders in his ears even as its infection spread 
along his skin.  "She didn't say she was coming for me," he muttered, 
his grip loosening slightly.  "She was coming for Vash."

Like the flash of sun off the silver armor of Eiko's machine, the Angel 
moved away from Rei, weaving towards Eiko with a speed that seemed 
almost dizzying.  It struggled against her AT Field for only the barest 
of moments, then plunged itself through her midsection, pulling itself 
taught and seeming to spread tendrils from both of the Evas it had now 
taken.

There was a searing burst of light in Koji's eyes, the same in Eiko's, 
a pain stabbing through their stomachs, and the world dissolved.  
Everything went liquid, and the two could feel it, a stabbing and 
horrific forced merging.  Lines between bodies blurred as Koji tried to 
lift his hand, feeling Eiko's fingers and plugsuit, the natural curve 
of her left shoulder, her taste upon her tongue in their mind.

Shutting someone's eyes, Koji struggled to focus on his left arm, the 
single alien part of his body.  He hated it, Eiko knew that, they knew 
that, and somehow it seemed to be the one thing that could be saved.  
It was his, irrevocably, something only he could bear upon his body.  
"My arm," he muttered, finding himself wondering what Neil was thinking 
as he felt his mind stretch between two perceptions.  "It's mine.  
Mine."

Agony ripped through the boy's shared mind and body, but he forced his 
focus, ignoring the tickling sensation of Eiko's presence.  Slowly, 
gradually, he could feel them separating again, their minds and bodies 
discriminating once again.  "I do have substance," he growled to 
nobody.  "It's not true.  It's not..."

Floodgates opened, and Koji and Eiko were standing apart from one 
another, the world around them nothing but pure white light, as though 
their minds had simply constructed a framework for them.  No words 
could pass between them, information passing between them without 
words, their hearts and minds opened irrevocably.  They were distantly 
aware of the fact that their Evas were spasming in the real world, but 
it was a distant fact, something lost in the knowledge of one another.

It was the greatest pain that Koji could imagine.  He had always wanted 
to think that sharing everything about himself would be different, 
triumphant, perfect, but as he felt himself and Eiko merge their 
perceptions he knew that it was an illusion.  Every secret corner of 
his soul was being flung open, the real him being made bare to Eiko, 
and at the same time he could feel everything that she had agonized 
over, every single moment of hesitation or regret...

One thought inserted itself into Koji's brain, and his eyes flew open.

His mind began to be dragged away almost the second that he saw through 
his own eyes once again, and stumbling for an anchor he settled on his 
left arm, tightening every single muscle in the adopted limb, digging 
his nails into his palm as best he could, anything to force the reality 
of the arm and his body home to his mind.  He could see the static 
clearing from his display, the world beginning to spread before him 
without confusion, his strength returning to him along with the Eva.

Fingers wrapped around the Angel protruding from his stomach, and 
ignoring the sense of pain his hands gave him he pulled the Angel's 
form taught, forcing it to stay rigid.  It was all he could muster, but 
as he saw Rei's machine glance towards him he realized that she 
understood, that she knew exactly what her role was going to be in the 
defeat of the Angel.

With smooth movements, she dropped her ranged weapons, ejecting her 
prog knife from its shoulder flange and letting it fall into her hand.  
She moved with determination, lunging towards the newly-vulnerable 
Angel, letting the blade tear through the Angel as she swung it in a 
clear and perfect arc.  It was something that Koji could only be 
distantly aware of as he felt the presence in his mind and body slowly 
recede, his own thoughts unbelievably tired.

                                  ]++[

Koji hated what he was about to do, but he knew it was necessary.  He'd 
never bought into the idea of life working in cycles, of certain things 
needing to end periods of living, and the last thing that he wanted was 
to prove himself wrong about it.  But there were no alternatives open 
to him, and so he forced himself to continue towards Eiko's house, the 
pale cyan paint of the building lost in the sunset's orange and red 
flare, rehearsing the conversation in his mind.

The door was in front of him almost before he knew it, and with gritted 
teeth he rapped hard against the wooden surface, praying internally 
that it wouldn't be her parents that answered.  They hadn't liked him 
beforehand, and under the circumstances he tended to doubt he would 
even be able to get inside the door.

A clicking noise came from within the house, and the door swung open, 
prompting Vash's eyes to widen.  He'd almost forgotten about the fact 
that Toji had gotten out of the hospital, so caught up in the flurry of 
other people leaving.  "Vash," said the boy, sounding somewhere between 
surprised and disinterested.  "I didn't think you'd be coming around."

Both stared at one another for a few moments, Toji's blue eyes meeting 
Koji's with a rather harsh stare.  Then the elder boy broke the 
silence, stepping inside and clapping Eiko's brother on the back, half-
forcing a smile onto his face.  "Hey, Toji," he said, coughing 
slightly.  "Sorry that I haven't been by.  I've kind of been..."  He 
paused, then glanced away.  "I've kind of been a jerk lately."

"Yeah, Eiko mentioned something to that effect."  The younger boy 
grinned, a simple gesture that took a huge burden off of Koji's 
thoughts.  "I figured that you finally managed to beat her at a 
fighting game.  It was bound to happen sooner or later."

"Nothing so boring," replied the boy, shaking his head and glancing 
towards the stairs.  He was glad that Toji didn't want to rip his eyes 
out, but he was relatively unconcerned with what the younger boy wanted 
or thought.  "Speaking of Eiko, is she... here?"

"Of course.  With Kensuke and Hikari gone, she doesn't want to go to 
the arcade with -me-."  He smirked, a good-natured grin oddly 
reminscent of his sister's.  "I think she's just nervous.  With all 
that free time in the hospital, I've been able to practice.  You should 
see the sort of rushes I can pull off in SC3."

Koji was already heading up the stairs, but he stopped and glanced back 
at the other boy, a smile still on his lips.  "Tell you what.  Next 
time Eiko and I go off to the arcade, I'll make -sure- you come 
alone."  He paused, then turned back towards the upper floor.  "And I'm 
betting that you're -still- not good enough to beat me, rushes or not."

The younger boy shouted back his own challenge, but Koji's ears were 
dead to it, his concentration elsewhere.  It had seemed like the wrong 
time to mention that he and Eiko might never go anywhere together, but 
as he drew closer to the top of the staircase he couldn't push the 
thought out of his head.  It was almost insanely tempting to simply 
turn around and leave, to avoid talking with the girl about something 
that he was almost certain would go poorly  Certainly, it would be 
easier than dealing with her.

Still, he held his ground, walking to the top floor and knocking on the 
Eiko's door, reminding himself that it couldn't possibly be more 
stressful than having his mind invaded by the Angel.  It seemed like an 
eternity before the girl actually opened the door, and even then her 
eyes were blank for a few moments, as though she didn't recognize the 
boy standing in front of her.  "Vash?" she asked, sounding puzzled.  
"Is something -"

"Can I come in?" he asked, avoiding the girl's eyes as he stared into 
her bedroom.  Part of him wanted her to say no and end his 
responsibility, but most of him wanted her to say yes.

"Um... of course.  Yeah."  Her answer sounded more confused than 
reluctant, and she awkwardly stepped back and away from the door, 
allowing Koji to step into the room.  "Sorry that it's kind of a 
mess... um... I know that..."

"Relax.  I'm not angry."  He sighed, then took a deep breath, as if he 
was forcing himself to cleanse the air before he said anything.  
"Actually... I came here to say I'm sorry.  It... it was my fault that 
things happened the way that they did, not yours.  I have no right to 
be angry."

Eiko took a hesitant step towards the boy, but he held up a hand to 
stop her, his eyes cast towards the floor and resting on a single 
photograph.  The photo looked like a forgotten child, painfully obvious 
and out of place amongst the soft carpeting that surrounded it.  "I 
didn't let you in after the Thirteenth attacked me," continued Koji, 
his confidence slowly growing.  "I was afraid.  But I didn't want to 
tell you that.  I didn't want you to think I could be scared."

"Vash..." The girl's voice qas awkward and halting, as though the name 
felt uncomfortable on her tongue.  "I... I wouldn't have minded if 
you'd just told me.  If you had let me know, I..."

"You don't know what you would have done," replied Koji, shaking his 
head as he unconsciously clenched his fists.  "I thought I knew.  I 
thought it was a foregone conclusion that you wouldn't have wanted to 
have anything to do with me any longer."  He forced himself to take a 
deep breath.  "Because you've never really known me, not the way that 
you think, not..."

Empty air sat between the two for a moment, Koji struggling to find the 
words.  "You don't understand," he said at length, sighing and stepping 
over to the bed, flopping on it with an exhausted grunt.  "What my 
father was like after my mother left... I thought that was -me-.  I 
thought that if everyone saw somebody else, than sooner or later... if 
you tell a lie enough times, you start to believe it yourself."

The girl's soft footsteps seemed to hammer on the floor like 
explosions, and Koji squeezed his eyes shut.  "You and I, Eiko... we're 
not creatures of substance.  We're not deep people, we just pretend at 
being them.  I'm just putting on a brave face, and you're just living 
by reaction."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Eiko, her tone sharp, the bed shaking 
slightly as she sat beside the boy.  Cautiously, he opened his eyes to 
stare at her, taking in the perfect clarity of her form, feeling 
something in his chest tighten simply from the look of her.

"Your parents want you to be a respectable Japanese girl, so you become 
the opposite.  They want you to date someone they approve of, so you 
date me.  Neil displays affection for you, so you reciprocate."

"That's not true!" snapped Eiko, a red flush covering her face, every 
muscle in her body tensing in unison.  "I... I truly like Neil.  I 
kissed him because... because I -wanted- to."

"I know.  I'm just questioning your motives."  He held up a hand, 
stilling her response before it passed her lips.  "I didn't come here 
to accuse you of anything, Eiko.  I came here to apologize, to tell you 
what was going on, and... to ask you to come back.  I expected that 
groveling would be involved."

He glanced towards the girl, seeing only a blank expression on her 
face, and sighed again, more heavily than before.  It was an awkward 
situation anyways, and her seeming dearth of interest only served to 
make things worse.  "Eiko, I know that we have problems.  I know that 
we haven't let one another in for the most part.  But I'm willing to 
try."

"Vash... Koji..."  Eiko stared at him a moment longer, then rather 
unexpectedly burst into tears.  "I don't know who I am, Koji.  I don't 
have the vaguest idea.  I'm afraid that you... you won't like what's 
underneath, that I'll bore you, that I'll disappoint you, that -"

"I'll take the chance," replied Koji, settling one hand on her 
shoulder.  Her tear-streaked eyes flicked up to him, obviously afraid 
of his response, and he forced a smile despite feeling like joining her 
tears.  "No more false fronts.  No more pretending to be someone.  For 
either of us.  We're going to be honest with one another... and with 
ourselves."

Eiko's only response was a weak sob, followed by a swift motion closer 
to the boy, her arms wrapping around him as her nails dug into his 
back, her breath coming quickly and shallowly.  He could feel the 
pressure in his chest recede, and without hesitation he joined her 
embrace, letting his eyes trace about the room, the sketches and 
pictures adorning the walls filling his heart with a warmth he couldn't 
describe.  "I love you, Vash."

For a moment, the boy considered objecting to the old nickname, but it 
felt comforting despite everything, as though he had slipped back into 
the life that he had loved.  "I love you, Eiko," Vash replied, letting 
the bitterness from the earlier day melt away like morning dew, 
resisting the urge to cry for only a moment before he let tears trickle 
slowly from his eyes.

                                  ]++[

"They could have at least let me sit in the damned cockpit," snarled 
Nieve, scuffing her feet against the floor as best she could without 
any shoes.  She had been largely silent during the walk back from 
Central Dogma, a merciful reprieve for the boy who had known that they 
would be shouting once they returned home.  "Christ, it's been more 
than a month since I piloted an Eva.  They haven't sent out EVA-05 once 
since I've been appointed its pilot.  Eiko's as much responsible for 
the Fourteenth Angel penetrating our defenses as I am."

"Uh-huh," replied Neil weakly, almost wondering why he was bothering to 
remove his shoes as he stepped into the apartment.  It had been a sweet 
mercy of fate that he hadn't had to talk to the girl after his 
encounter with Eiko, but as he watched her hair bob along lightly 
behind her he could feel guilt eating him away physically from within.  
His stomach was tying itself in knots, but even that seemed a minor 
problem compared to the searing pain lit along his chest, as though the 
girl in front of him had caused his heart to eat itself.  "Maybe the 
next Angel."

"Bugger the lot of them.  Misato included.  She could have said 
something, and instead she just stood by mutely and let Rei and Eiko 
get all the glory."  The girl sighed, stepping into the den almost idly 
and vanishing from Neil's sight as he slowly followed.  "Can't believe 
you ever saw anything in Eiko, for that matter.  I don't think she's 
done anything useful since she became a pilot."

"Probably not," replied Neil.  The thought had occurred to him to 
simply leave, but he could feel himself drawn to the flame-haired girl 
sitting on the couch, as though he couldn't rush to burn himself fast 
enough.  "She's just not a very good pilot.  Shouldn't have agreed when 
NERV offered her the position."

Nieve said nothing immediately, simply waited as the boy walked around 
and sat on the couch, putting as much distance between the two of them 
as possible.  It was then that she turned towards him, her eyes full of 
worry, her mouth pursed ever so slightly.  "What's wrong?" she asked 
quietly, edging towards him.  "I can tell that something's bothering 
you.  You always have that little catch in your tone."

"You don't want to know."  It was a partially honest statement; Neil 
wasn't entirely sure if she would have wanted to know or not, but he 
was certain that he didn't want to tell her.  But he knew that it was 
going to happen, could feel it in the air around them.  It was pressing 
upon him like a weight, threatening to smother him momentarily if some 
pressure wasn't relieved.

"Of course I want to know," replied Nieve somewhat curtly, leaning 
closer to the the boy once again.  Her green eyes were too earnest, and 
Neil had to force himself to look away towards the pale yellow walls, 
knowing that he couldn't even bear to think of what he had done to 
her.  "Neil, come on, I hate when you get like this."  She paused.  "Is 
this... is this because of the way that I've been acting without my 
Eva?  Do you think that I've -"

"It has nothing to do with you!" snapped Neil.  He wasn't angry, his 
emotions just needed some way to release themselves and seized first 
upon anger.  He regretted his action immediately, another knife of 
guilt driving into his chest as he stared at the girl once again, 
watching sadness drift across the clear green of her eyes.  "I'm 
sorry.  That's not fair.  It's not even true."

Something in the boy's tone gave Nieve the vaguest inkling of how 
important whatever had happened was to him, and she felt herself grow 
still, her hand slowly stretching towards his leg and resting gently 
upon it.  "Please tell me," she murmured, her lower lip trembling 
slightly.

Neil wanted to scream.  He wanted to shove Nieve away, to throw himself 
from the window and let the ground absolve his sins, to simply kiss her 
and forget that the whole mess had come to pass.  He wanted to do 
something, anything besides the confession of the truth, anything but 
cement in Nieve's mind once and for all the fact that he was a horrible 
mockery of a human being that deserved nothing less than utter 
ostracism.  But he couldn't utter so much as a word of that emotion, 
instead stumbling over his tongue as he slowly opened his mouth, 
eternities seeming to pass between the Children.

"At lunch.  With Eiko."  His voice sounded oddly cool, as if he was 
calm, as if the conflicting emotions had fought one another to a 
standstill.  "She and I were talking about things - about 
relationships.  She said that she and Vash were about to break up, that 
their relationship was on its last legs."  There was a pause, not from 
emotion but from simple necessity of breath.  "I didn't know what to 
think of that."

The girl's face was slowly shifting, as though it was beginning to 
understand what Neil was getting at.  It only hurt him further.  
"There's been something between her and I since the day we met, I 
suppose.  She was beautiful the first time I saw her."  He paused 
again, the weight of his feeble self-preservation instinct throwing the 
last of its strength against his guilty urge to reveal the truth.

"She -"  He shook his head, not wanting to place the blame on Eiko.  
"We kissed.  I kissed her."

Neither boy nor girl spoke for a moment.  Nothing seemed to move, as 
though the room had been frozen in crystal, an eternity for Neil to 
feel the pain of the horrible secret be replaced by the agony of what 
he knew was about to happen.  "You're kidding," whispered Nieve at 
length, her hand trembling upon Neil's leg, her eyes slowly beginning 
to fill with tears."

"I'm not," replied Neil.  He could feel his heart rending itself apart, 
and wondered almost casually why his voice was reflecting nothing.  His 
voice was quiet, businesslike, almost as if he was proud of what he had 
done.  "I wouldn't make a joke about something like this.  I know what 
it means to you."

Everything became fuzzy and indistinct, and Nieve slowly rose from the 
couch, the same sort of eerie stillness in her motions.  "Of course," 
she whispered, words only reaching Neil's ears due to the stillness 
around them.  "I should have known.  It was my own fault for expecting 
that you wouldn't leave sooner or later.  I should have known."

Something stirred within Neil's chest, and he stood, stepping towards 
Nieve as she began pacing uncomfortably in the hall between the den and 
the kitchen.  "Nieve -"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME!"  Her emotions burst like a dam under the 
minor pressure, and in one smooth motion her hand flew across his face, 
leaving a stinging red mark even as she swiftly moved away from him.  
"I don't want to see your face ever -again-!  I don't want you to say 
that you're -sorry-, that you're not -leaving-, -any- of it!"

"I didn't think that you would," replied Neil weakly, taking a step 
forward, moving gingerly towards the doorway out of the apartment.  He 
felt defeated, even with the irrepressible guilt tearing him apart from 
within, consuming him like fire and sending arrows of pain up through 
his eyes.  His voice remained unchanging.  "I'll schedule my tests to 
be as far away from yours as possible."

"You made love to -me-!" screamed Nieve, her hand flying to the nearest 
object and flinging it towards Neil.  It happened to be a magazine that 
hit the boy's back gently and ineffectually, but it was the act that 
mattered.  "You said you loved -me-!"

"No," replied Neil, still sounding perfectly businesslike.  Inside he 
was hating himself more and more with every single moment, as though he 
was watching himself from a camera.  No reaction seemed to cross his 
face as he slowly shuffled along the polished wood towards the door, 
recalling the first time that he'd stepped down the hallway.  "I don't 
remember ever saying that I loved you."

He knew it was the wrong thing to say long before the words had left 
his mouth, but it didn't give him pause.  Tears were flowing from 
Nieve's eyes now, splattering against the floor weakly as her hands 
grasped at the salt shaker on the table.  A bitter smile was drawing 
itself across her lips, eyes glaring even as they cried.  "No, you 
wouldn't say that, would you?  The only person you love is -yourself-!  
You don't -care- about me!"

The boy wanted to fight for himself, but he hated the thought of 
fighting for something he didn't believe in.  He held his tongue, 
simply slipping his shoes on as he felt the hard glass salt shaker slam 
against his shoulder.  It fell and shattered, spilling the fine white 
dust in cloud around him, but he ignored it.  "You're a -monster-, Neil 
Richelieu!" screamed the girl.  "A selfish, hateful -monster-!"

Neil paused, turning and staring at the girl for just a moment.  He 
could see rage etched across her face, the beautiful lines of her face 
marred by anger and the steady flow of tears.  Sighing deeply, he let 
his eyes close, remembering the first time that he'd met the girl, the 
beautiful way that the sun on the ocean has played across her skin, the 
way that she had been blown about by the winds.

Their first kiss flickered across his mind, a single crystal moment of 
perfect happiness.  And the first time that they had ever truly gone on 
a date, and the sensation of warmth and joy he'd felt ebbing from her 
body when he'd first moved within her.  It seemed to bleed from his 
mind like an open wound, and he had to suppress a shudder as he let his 
eyes open once again, staring at the enraged girl, wishing that he had 
never been a part of her life.

"You're right, Nieve.  I am a monster.  I deserve what I get."  He 
lingered a moment longer, then turned and opened the door, let himself 
step out of the apartment and into the hallway, his feet carrying him 
along towards an unknown destination.  He was certain that Nieve was 
crying behind him, and every cell in his body screamed for him to 
comfort her, but he resisted the urge, knowing full well that he had 
hurt her more than enough.

                                  ]++[

Misato and Ritsuko had already been talking to the boy, telling him 
what he needed to know, what he was being expected to do.  It was not a 
converation that Gendou Ikari was aware of in any exact detail, but he 
was certain that it was transpiring even as he felt the elevator slowly 
lurch towards its destination.  That left him with the rather awkward 
task of inserting himself into the middle of the discussion, something 
that he knew would sit poorly with both women and with the boy.  It was 
the absolute last thing that he wanted to do, and he knew beyond a 
doubt that there was no more graceful alternative.

By training, of course, his discomfort didn't show.  It was purely 
internal, kept beneath the surface without the slightest hint managing 
to bubble to the surface.  Any of the employees who might have passed 
Gendou in the hallways would have simply seen him the same as always, 
perhaps slightly thinner but not glaringly so.  It was a trick he had 
begun to teach himself in college and had refined to an art form once 
Yui had died.

A lone beep sounded, and the elevator doors slid open with a whir, 
revealing the seemingly endless hallway that led to the observation 
booth.  Forcing a deep breath into his lungs, Gendou strode down the 
hall, ignoring the teal-gray walls as he moved resolutely, his only 
focus the door at the end of the hall emblazoned with the NERV 
insignia.  It yielded to him with the usual soft mechanical noise, and 
he stepped into the booth, empty except for his presence.

The audio, as he'd requested, was on, and he could hear every word 
being spoken far below on the catwalk of the Eva hangar.  It was 
Ritsuko talking now, her measured calm doubtlessly in contrast to 
Misato's tones.  "This is childish," she said, obviously displeased 
with the boy standing with her.  "You need to pilot this machine.  It's 
your destiny."

Gendou froze for a moment, straining to hear the sound of the boy's 
voice, the eerie similarity to his own and the comforting echo of Yui's 
beautiful tone.  "I don't want to.  I don't want to have anything to do 
with my father's machines."

"Ritsuko is right," said Gendou calmly, flicking his eyes towards the 
catwalk.  He couldn't hope to make out facial details, but he knew that 
the boy's head was turning towards him in surprise.  "You are being 
childish about the situation."

Silence filled the hangar for a moment, the boy staring up at the glass 
skybox, Gendou standing dispassionately in front of it.  "Father," said 
the boy at length, making a slight motion that Gendou couldn't pick out 
at the distance.

"Shinji," replied Gendou, forcing down the glowing admiration that 
filled him upon speaking his son's name.  It was an awkward sensation 
that he knew would only get in the way of what had to be done, and it 
was not an emotion that he had the vaguest clue of how to deal with.  
"It's been too long."

"You're right, it has," replied Shinji weakly, dropping his head and 
staring at the purple-orange liquid sloshing beneath the catwalk.  
"Father... you... you left me alone.  When mother died, you left me 
alone..."

The pain carried perfectly in the boy's voice, nothing that Gendou 
hadn't been expecting.  He hadn't quite expected the words to sting so 
deeply, but he had known when he had set his plans into motion that it 
would necessitate extreme measures.  "I had more important things to 
take care of," replied Gendou flatly, adjusting his glasses and turning 
his gaze towards the orange form of EVA-00.  "Such as this.  The 
culmination of all that your mother and I worked for, Shinji - the 
artificial life form 'Evangelion'."

"I don't care!" snapped the boy, suddenly staring up again at the 
skybox, the tremble in his voice implying that he was unaccustomed to 
the act of assertiveness.  "Why did you send for me, father?  Why did 
you have be brought here?"

"Because I need you."  It was a lie, but Gendou knew that the entire 
execution hinged upon the lie.  "Ritsuko and Misato have told you why 
you were brought here.  You are to be the pilot of Evangelion unit 00, 
the prototype unit.  It is your birthright."

"So you didn't want me," sighed Shinji, slumping to his knees, as 
though he'd both expected Gendou's words and dreaded actually hearing 
them.  Gendou could only see him distantly, but he could tell that his 
son had become a handsome boy, possessing his mother's delicate 
features almost to the point of girlishness.  "You just brought me here 
because you had a use for me."

Misato glared briefly at the skybox, then knelt beside Shinji, placing 
one hand on his shoulder.  It was nothing that Gendou hadn't expected 
from what he knew of the woman - she was more likely to sympathize with 
him if she saw his father as a monster, a personal element that the 
commander had long ago considered.  "Don't worry about why he brought 
you here, Shinji," she offered soothingly.  "There are more important 
reasons to pilot the machine besides him -"

"No!"  The boy was struggling half to be defiant and half simply to 
avoid responsibility, something Gendou could distantly sense in his 
tone and bearing.  "I don't want to help him at all!  He doesn't want 
me here!"

A pain throbbed in Gendou's chest, and he felt an awkward moment of 
clarity, knowing full well that his son's future was resting entirely 
in his hands.  He knew that if he simply said nothing more, his son 
would leave, would be freed at least temporarily from the machinations 
and desings that Gendou sought to protect him from.  It was unspeakably 
tempting, and it took him a moment before he could compose himself 
enough to be convincing.

"There are reasons beyond your piloting of the Evangelion unit," said 
Gendou flatly, drawing Shinji's gaze back towards him.  "Shinji... I 
have never been good at this.  If you will pilot the machine..."  He 
paused, just long enough for Shinji to think that it was emotionally 
taxing to think, a calculated effect.  "You are my son.  I have no 
doubt that you will prove an excellent pilot."

It was just a minor benediction, but already Shinji's eyes had turned 
towards the orange golem in front of him.  The conversation's outcome 
was set now, and Gendou knew it full well, knew that the boy would get 
inside the LCL.  In his mind's eye he could see the boy's face within 
the cockpit, panicked, screaming for his mother, watching his body 
dissolve into nothingness, being absorbed into the machine.  And all 
the while, he knew that he would be the architect of the boy's 
suffering -

With a start, Gendou Ikari snapped back to wakefulness, realizing too 
late that he had fallen asleep at his desk.  "Too many late nights," he 
muttered, adjusting his glasses and running a cursory hand through his 
hair, inwardly hating the memory that had begun to haunt his every 
dream.  "The culmination of too much is lying in our hands."

Sighing, he caught a glance of himself in the reflective surface of the 
lone photograph sitting on his desk, a poor reflection but decent 
enough to judge his own appearance by.  He had not aged well, and he 
knew it - the gauntness of his face had only grown with time, combined 
with a natural exhaustion that seemed to permeate his body down to the 
bone.  "I wonder if Yui would recognize me today," he muttered, closing 
his eye and allowing himself a bittersweet smile.

His door slid open with its typical whir, and without a moment's notice 
Gendou's expression snapped back to its typical blank and disapproving 
stare.  It was Kozou stepping into the room, his eyes still remarkably 
sharp in comparison to Gendou's.  "There have been developments," said 
the elder man flatly, striding across the massive chamber swiftly, his 
graying hair cast an odd shade of red by the lighting in the room.

"I fail to see how they could throw any more wrenches in our plans," 
muttered Gendou, adjusting his glasses and resisting the urge to simply 
march back to his apartment and sleep.  "The transfer must have 
finished going through by now."  He paused, then frowned slightly.  "Or 
have they played their trump card?"

"What remained of their initial sample is no longer registering," 
replied Kozou flatly, only the slightest catch in his tone betraying 
the fact that he was deathly afraid of the implications.  "It could be 
that they simply disabled our transmission, that they made sure we 
would be unable to cause any further frustration to their plan -"

"Or it could be for obvious reasons," replied Gendou.  "A bold move.  
They no doubt intend for the final seal to be broken at the same moment 
that our last asset is destroyed."  He smirked ever so slightly.  "EVA-
08's development has been obscured sufficiently?"

"They don't know," replied Kozou, confidence returning to his voice.  
"They've made no effort to impede the process, and we're ahead of 
schedule.  I could have it down here by early morning tomorrow -"

"No.  We'll let them have their illusion until it's too late for them 
to do anything about it."  He allowed himself a hissing sigh, letting 
his eyes close momentarily.  "It's working, Kozou.  Every piece of 
planning is coming to fruition."

"Yui's dream," replied Fuyutsuki, staring up at the ceiling of the 
office, at the intricate pattern of curves and lines forming a design 
at once terrifying and beautiful.  "I'll make sure that NERV 
Intelligence has a solid watch on our latest addition.  And I'll make 
sure that we're prepared for intrusion when it happens."

"See that you do," replied Gendou, drawing his mouth into a thin line, 
signaling the end of the conversation.  He watched out of the corner of 
his eyes as Kozou left the room, pretending to be engrossed by a report 
sitting in front of him when he truly could have cared less.  His eyes 
were more closely focusing on the NERV insignia in the upper left-hand 
corner, the small half-leaf surrounded by familiar text.

"God's in his heaven, all's right with the world," repeated Gendou, 
allowing himself the momentary indulgence of speaking the words and 
smirking at them before shoving the report aside.  It was a moment more 
before he forced himself to his feet, feeling the weight of his 
position across the whole of his body.  The burden of the world was a 
difficult one to bear, but he had no doubt that he would be able, that 
he would prove all of his enemies wrong.

                                  ]++[

Vash had answered the door almost by accident, but he felt a pang of 
irritating circularity in his life when he saw Neil standing in front 
of him, the boy's eyes tired, his body seemingly broken and his pale 
green shirt ruffled.  "Neil," he said, trying to sound calm and 
failing, his surprise overwhelming him.  "I don't know why you came -"

"Because you weren't at your house," replied Neil weakly.  The dark 
blue velvet of the night had wrapped itself around him, and he stood 
just far enough away from the door to keep the darkness shrouding him, 
as though he was ashamed of being seen.  Vash, for his part, was 
standing inside of Eiko's house, his feet against the cool wooden 
floor, the sounds of video games leaking through the air from the 
living room to where he stood.

"I - how do you even know where I live?"  Vash stared for a moment, 
then shook his head.  "Never mind.  I don't want to know.  Look, Neil, 
I know everything that happened between Eiko and you earlier today."

The words seemed to hit the boy like a slap in the face, and something 
within Vash tightened at the hurt look that moved across his expression 
like a ghost.  "You do," he replied, his voice calm and measured even 
as his eyes betrayed him.  "But you're obviously not broken up at this 
point.  I doubt you'd be here."

Glancing awkwardly into the house, Vash took a step forward, on the 
cusp of stepping outside, the pale white light from inside the house 
seeming the slowly radiate off his shoulders.  "We talked about it a 
little, but no, we're still together.  It was... something the Angel 
did to us, I think.  Something it put us through."  He paused, then 
grimaced.  "I'm not making much sense, am I?"

"That's all right.  I came to you, not the other way around."  He 
sighed, sinking his head.  "Vash... Eiko told me that you called me a 
good person once.  She said that you... you honestly thought that I 
should be with her instead of you.  Do... do you still believe that?"

Vash was truly confused as to what Neil was actually trying to 
achieve.  He could only stab at the ultimate point in his mind, and the 
only reasonable guess that he could manage was that Neil had expected 
he and Eiko to break up, the same assumption that Vash had harbored not 
so long before.  "I... I believe you're a good person.  I really do.  
But Eiko..."  He sighed.  "I can't answer that question, Neil.  You and 
I don't know each other well enough for that."

"Obviously not," replied Neil, shaking his head dejectedly.  "I didn't 
come here for her.  I came here for you.  To tell you what had 
happened - you beat me to that - and to apologize."

Neil raised a hand to Vash, stopping the other boy from saying another 
word, the light from within the house barely brushing against the green-
eyed Child's skin.  "You were wrong, Vash.  I'm not a good person."  He 
bit his lip, lowering his head until only the blonde strands of his 
hair were visible.  "I'm barely even a person in any meaningful sense.  
I'm a monstrosity.  I had no right to kiss Eiko... to try and deny you 
that..."

There was a momentary, awkward pause, and Neil bit his lip once again 
for just a moment.  "You were right on the day we met, you know.  You 
said that I should be ashamed of myself for what I'd done.  I fought 
back because I knew that you were right."  The vaguest hints of sadness 
were beginning to creep into his voice.  "Not much to be proud of, is 
it?"

Vash had no response, something that didn't seem to surprise Neil as he 
looked into the other boy's eyes.  "You should be with Eiko," he said 
softly, his eyes flashing a pain from deep within his thoughts.  "You 
two... you're what lovers should be.  I'm not even going to be here 
after the last Angel is destroyed, and..."  He sighed.  "I'm babbling."

There was some vague sense of responsibility fighting inside of Vash, 
and he felt himself fighting between the urge to step outside and 
confront the other boy and the urge to put his shoes on first.  "Neil, 
what happened?" he managed at length.

"I told Nieve that I kissed Eiko," replied Neil sheepishly, this time 
casting his gaze towards the moon, the silvery orb hanging bright in 
the sky and casting fingers of white light across the night.  There was 
something almost alien in his eyes as he looked upwards, something that 
stirred Vash's soul.  "Stupid of me, wasn't it?  All it would have 
taken was silence, and maybe everything could have been fine.  We could 
have all waited for the last Angel in peace, and pretended that nothing 
was wrong."

Both boys remained silent, then Neil gave one last bittersweet smile in 
Vash's direction.  "Sorry to have bothered you," he said at length, 
turning away from the house.  "Have fun tonight.  I certainly won't."

It was some time before Vash even felt capable of movement again, 
staring out into the night with a confused expression on his face, 
light winter wind blowing his black hair about in small flurries.  He 
let his eyes drift closed at length, then stepped back from the door 
slowly, reaching and shutting it with slow and deliberate movements.  
He had expected to have to deal with Neil at some point, but he had 
expected anything but a silent acquiescence from the other Child.

"Vash?"  Eiko's voice sounded almost alien, and it took him another 
moment to turn and realize her, biting his lower lip and wearing a 
confused look on his face.  "Who was at the door?  You've been down 
here an awfully long time."

"Neil," replied Vash, turning once again and looking at the door.  Eiko 
started slightly, but he didn't see, his eyes locking on his shoes as 
he began to wonder what it had cost Neil to come and talk with him.  
"He told Nieve what happened with you two today.  I'm guessing that it 
went pretty badly."

"Oh, God.  I didn't even think of Neil."  She sighed, slapping herself 
gently on her forehead, stepping over towards Vash with heavy 
footsteps.  "I've made a mess of everything, haven't I?"

"It's part of who we were.  We both made a mess of things."  The boy 
turned and pecked Eiko quickly on the cheek, then returned to his 
shoes, kicking them in front of him and slipping them on with quick, 
deft movements.  "Maybe that's why Neil came over in the first place, 
trying to set something right."

"You're going, aren't you?" asked Eiko, her voice nervous.  A small 
pang of guilt stabbed through Vash's chest, but he forced it down, 
slipping his other shoe on before turning back to look at the girl.  He 
knew what he needed to do, and he wanted to be sure that any regrets 
would prove to be meaningless.

His eyes took in Eiko's entire body in one quick glance, the slender 
and deft hands, the short black hair, the curve of her neck, the stoic 
jaw and perfectly innocent eyes.  "I have to," he said, stepping as 
close to her as he could, letting his arms wrap around her as she 
stepped over to him.  Her warmth mingled with his own, and for a moment 
he could feel the connection from the Angel's attack open just the 
slightest bit.  The girl's thoughts and dreams seemed to tickle at the 
back of his mind, as though she was waiting to thrust them fully into 
his head...

Closing his eyes, Vash released the girl, smiling at her as he opened 
the door and stepped outside.  He could feel the vaguest sense of dread 
growing at the back of his mind, but he ignored it, lightly jogging to 
the street, struggling to remember where Misato lived.  Moonlight 
spilled along the black asphalt, and within a moment Vash was off, his 
suspicions pushed aside for the moment.

                                  ]++[

There was a gentle flow of blood trickling from the wound, just enough 
to run down the girl's forearm, dripping from her elbow to the surface 
of the couch.  Her breathing was steady, only slightly shallow, her 
eyes closed peacefully, arm held up to let her bleed more steadily.  As 
near as she could tell, there was no feeling in her body, no fear or 
sadness, only a grim acceptance if there was anything.

Nieve let out a slow breath, shifting her hand slightly, rolling her 
thumb and shifting the position of the blade slightly.  It scored more 
deeply along her thumb, just enough to redouble the bleeding as she 
suppressed a shudder, tears pooling slowly as the pain weakly throbbed 
from her mangled thumb.  "It ought to hurt," she muttered, her voice as 
calm and still as Neil's had been.  "I should be in agony now.  I 
should be screaming."

Without knowing exactly why, the girl released the knife, letting it 
fall to the couch, blood spattering lightly from the gleaming silver 
blade as she moved to examine the wound she'd inflicted upon herself.  
It was a relatively deep cut, but nothing that she hadn't seen before, 
nothing deep enough to sever nerve endings.  Exact depth was hard to 
judge with the blood welling around it, but she knew that she should 
have felt something, that if nothing else the blood along her arm 
should have given her sensation.  "Might be bad enough to scar," she 
muttered to herself, wiping the blood away with her fingers, trying to 
get a good look at the wound on her thumb.

She hadn't intended to do it to herself, at least not specifically.  It 
had just been a result of her numbness, a simple test of whether or not 
her body had simply burned out its ability to feel anything in one 
final burst of energy.  So she had gone to the kitchen, half-intending 
to steal a beer from Misato, and somehow it had seemed like a more 
satisfying test to hurt herself directly.  She doubt that Misato would 
be pleased about her use of the steak knife, but it felt of little 
consequence.

Her body lurched to its feet slowly, rocked forward and backwards for a 
second or two, then headed towards the bathroom, distantly aware that 
she needed to stop the bleeding but feeling rather disconnected from 
the associated pain.  It took her a moment to even realize that the 
door was opening, another for eyes to heavily swing towards the 
entrance to see Misato standing there, a tired expression on the 
woman's face.

Then Misato looked fully at Nieve, and in a flurry of motion she had 
kicked off her shoes and lunged over to the girl, grabbing her arm and 
yanking it to eye level as she frantically searching for the source of 
the bleeding.  "What the hell happened?" she asked, sounding 
frighteningly alert as she dragged the girl into the bathroom with her.

"I cut myself," replied Nieve calmly, knowing that Misato was twisting 
her arm at an uncomfortable angle but too distanced from the pain to 
say anything.

"Well, obviously," replied Misato curtly, finally locating the cut on 
Nieve's thumb and examining it closely, her brow knitted as her brown 
eyes flicked across the girl's arm.  "You bled this much from this one 
cut?  How long did you wait to get a bandage?"

Nieve stopped for a moment, trying to think as the elder woman rummaged 
around in the medicine cabinet for the bandages, her thoughts still 
disconnected with the situation.  "I don't know, exactly.  I think I 
cut myself about ten minutes ago, but I wasn't sure if the pain was 
just delayed.  Then I tried making the wound deeper, but it still 
didn't hurt."

Misato froze, a bandage in her hand, poised to place it over the cut as 
she slowly raised her eyes to level with Nieve's eyes.  "Hold on.  When 
you say that you cut yourself, do you mean... intentionally?"

"It's not as thought I was trying to kill myself," replied Nieve 
flatly, reaching over and snatching the bandage from Misato, placing it 
over her thumb and letting the adhesive hold it against her skin.  "I 
just wanted to see if it would hurt or not."  She paused for a moment, 
then turned and left the bathroom, her back to Misato.  "Neil kissed 
Eiko, you know.  Earlier today."

The elder woman's face went pale as she stepped out towards the girl, 
her hands finding their way to Nieve's shoulders almost unconciously.  
Part of her didn't want to believe that Neil would do anything of the 
sort, but she could remember the way he had treated her in the past, 
and she knew it was the truth.  "I'm sorry," she whispered, wishing 
that the girl was her own.  "Is there anything I can do to help you, 
or -"

"Not really.  I'm not feeling anything.  That was why I cut myself."  
She shrugged Misato's hands off her shoulders, then began to walk 
slowly towards the living room once again.  Rivulets of blood still 
stuck to her arm, now smeared by Misato's fingers.  "I should probably 
go get the knife.  I don't know if blood can attract ants or not, but I 
guess it's better not to find out."

Misato watched Nieve move, her red hair swaying behind her, a thin 
layer of sweat lying on her skin, catching the light just enough to 
reveal itself.  "You're denying yourself," said Misato softly, touching 
the small wooden cross she wore around her neck, feeling something 
twitch inside her chest.  "You must be dying inside, but you don't want 
to admit it."

"Of course not.  I'm fine."  Her voice felt hollow, but she forced 
herself to ignore the nagging doubt in her head, stepping over to the 
couch and lifting the knife calmly, only distantly noting the blood on 
the blade.  "I knew it was coming, it just didn't happen when I thought 
that it would.  Nothing so unusual about that."

"Stop distancing yourself," snapped Misato, stepping towards Nieve as 
the girl slowly walked out of the living room.  Nieve simply watched as 
her guardian blocked her path to the kitchen, then tried halfheartedly 
to step around the purple-haired woman.  "I know that this is hard, but 
you have to deal with it."

"I am dealing with it.  It's not my fault that I can't feel anything."  
The same nagging doubt began surging at the back of her mind, and she 
had to grip the knife more tightly to distract herself, realizing only 
then that she was holding it with the same hand that she had cut.  "I 
guess that I just burned myself out.  My own stupid fault.  It's just 
Neil.  Sooner or later he was bound to leave, so it's just as well that 
it was -"

A slap cut through the air, harsh and unexpected, and Nieve could feel 
the stinging pain prickling along her cheek.  "Don't lie to me or 
yourself," Misato half-growled and half-stated, her eyes flashing.

Nieve slowly turned her eyes towards Misato again, her shock growing as 
the pain of being slapped sank in more firmly.  Then, as if a switch 
had been triggered, the searing pain of her thumb tore through her arm, 
and she suddenly found a sadness gripping her as if it threatened to 
crush the life out of her.  She stood only a second longer, then 
released the knife and fell forward, tears streaming from her face, a 
howl slowly pulling itself from her lips.

"He left," she moaned, her entire weight supported by Misato, her 
fingers clutching at the woman's jacket, her tears flowing like a 
waterfall.  "Oh, God, I tried so hard to do everything right, and he 
still left.  I gave him -everything- I had, and he didn't even seem to 
care about it."  She sobbed again, sniffling as she pulled herself 
closer to Misato.  "But I want him back.  I... I..."

"I know," replied Misato, wrapping her arms around the girl, inhaling 
deeply and tasting Kaji's skin in the still air.  A tear pooled at the 
corner of one of her eyes, and the woman and the girl held one another 
more tightly, Nieve wailing and Misato crying quietly.  It was the only 
thing that either of them could manage, lamentations for their lost 
darlings, both seemingly out of reach for an eternity.

For all that either of them knew, it could have been hours before the 
knock on the door sounded.  Time had gone fluid for both of them, and 
neither was expecting a visitor.  It was Nieve that noticed first, 
however, lifting her tear-covered face away from Misato, turning her 
blurry green eyes towards the door hopefully.  "You don't think...?"

"Maybe," replied Misato, releasing Nieve and stepping towards the door, 
feeling her body tremble.  She wanted to reassure the girl, but she 
knew that it would be lying on at least some level, and as she stepped 
to the door the cross around her neck seemed almost chokingly heavy.  
Taking a deep breath, she let her fingers close around the gold 
doorknob and turn it gently, the door swinging open easily.

"Katsuragi-san," Vash said, his voice sounding rushed, his eyes 
flicking around the hallway leading from the door.  He seemed eager to 
move into the apartment, and the moment that Misato had given him half 
an inch of room he was inside, his shoes kicked off with quick 
motions.  "Nieve, listen, I have to talk to you."

Nieve had the vaguest idea what the discussion would be about, but she 
held her tongue, simply watching as the boy moved towards her, an 
intensity burning beneath the blue surface of his eyes.  "Neil came to 
see me tonight.  He said that he'd told you what happened, but... well, 
I figured he half kicked himself out, but I know that you wouldn't have 
made things any -"

"Vash, -please- get to the point," Nieve snapped, her eyes fluttering 
shut as she felt an inexplicable anger bury itself in her breast.  She 
knew that she missed Neil, but somehow she didn't feel as though she 
wanted the boy to return so quickly.  "Did he ask you to come over 
here?"

"He barely said anything about what happened.  I came over because I 
wanted to."  He paused.  "Look, Nieve, I don't think you understand 
what happened today.  I'm not even entirely clear on it myself."

"I understand -enough-," replied Nieve, her tone growing sharper as she 
turned her back on Vash.  Her thumb was throbbing weakly, her chest 
tightening at the mere thought of Neil kissing the other girl.  "He 
kissed her.  I don't blame you if you want to hurt him for what he did, 
but -"

"She kissed him."  There was an almost tangible pain in Vash's words, 
and Nieve cocked her head back just far enough to catch the boy out of 
the corner of her eye.  It was hard to tell exactly what he was 
feeling, but she knew that the words had cost him something.  "She was 
the one that started it, not him.  He... he ran, as soon as he realized 
what was going on."

"But he didn't -stop- her!" snapped Nieve, whipping her gaze away once 
again, shutting her eyes tightly and trying to force herself not to cry 
again.  She wanted to be stronger than that, wanted to have more 
control over herself even if she'd lost her handle on everything else 
around her.  "He still let her kiss him."

Vash was silent for a moment or two, and Nieve felt herself waiting 
almost desperately, hoping to hear another word, something to prove her 
wrong.  "You're right," the boy replied at length.  "He didn't stop 
her.  I don't think he even understood exactly what was going on.  
It..."  He sighed.  "It wasn't his fault.  I wouldn't -be- here if I 
thought otherwise."

Nieve inhaled long and hard, feeling her hair tickle along the back of 
her neck as she lowered her head slightly.  "I can't know that for 
sure.  Even you can't."  She paused.  "I think you should leave now."

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked, his voice still quiet.  "You 
didn't look into his eyes, did you?  He didn't do anything to hurt you, 
not intentionally.  He looked as though he was about to die when I saw 
him, as though you'd stabbed him through the heart.  Just because he 
made a mistake -"

"-Go- now," snarled Nieve, her eyes squeezing more tightly shut, her 
fists clenching almost unconsciously.  "You don't -know- what I've had 
to deal with, Vash.  You don't know what I have to be afraid of.  You 
don't know what -my- eyes look like right now."

"Then find him," said Vash, voice growing more and more quiet.  "Bring 
him back here.  Forgive him.  Nieve, don't make my mistake.  I know how 
much you're hurting right now, but... as long as you keep waiting for 
someone else to beg you for forgiveness -"

"GO AWAY!" screamed Nieve, whirling on her heel and flinging herself at 
Vash, pressing her face close to his, forcing him to look her in the 
eye.  "You don't know -anything-!  I'll deal with this on my -own-!  
I'm in -control- here, do you -understand- that?"

Vash recoiled slightly, then weakly stepped away, slowly walking 
towards the door in halting half-steps.  He stepped down beside Misato 
and slipped his shoes back on silently, occasionally glancing towards 
Nieve weakly, as though he'd genuinely expected to have some effect.  
He didn't truly look at her again until his hand was on the door, an 
unreadably blank expression on his face.  "You have to let it go," he 
said, softly, only barely loud enough for the girl to even hear.  "We 
all have to."

Then he was gone, leaving Nieve and Misato alone in the apartment.  
Nieve looked into Misato's eyes as calmly as she could manage, seeing 
the questions on the woman's face.  Beneath it all she could see an 
acceptance of Vash's words, as though she somehow trusted in Neil 
beyond the facts.  It made Nieve feel hopeful and angry at once, and 
she had to look away, casting her eyes towards the table, tracing the 
lines of the wood with her mind.

"I'm going to bed," she said, her voice raspy as she turned and almost 
stepped into Neil's room.  Biting her lower lip, she headed towards her 
room and opened the door, silently praying that she would wake to find 
that she had dreamed the whole thing.

                                  ]++[

His map was sitting back in Misato's apartment, the map he had bought 
during his first full day in Tokyo-3.  It was an oddly symbolic thing, 
and if he had had it he would have burned it happily.  As it was, he 
had no idea where he was, only that he was lost somewhere in the midst 
of Tokyo-3, sitting on the shore of what seemed like a grand and 
powerful lake, leaning against the harsh bark of the tree as the cool 
night encompassed him, and wanting nothing so badly as the sweet 
release of death.

Neil Richelieu, as far as he was concerned, was dead.  There was 
nothing left at Misato's, not with the woman or the girl, and the last 
traces of a chance he might have had with Eiko were shattered the 
instant he saw Vash standing in her doorway.  "Everything went wrong," 
he muttered, still feeling oddly distant.  "Everything's ruined, and 
it's all because I decided to be an idiot and let her kiss me."

Crickets chirped around him, and he cast his eyes weakly towards the 
heavens, watching as the moon's silver outline became blurry and 
indistinct.  He was crying, and a moment or two after he realized it he 
threw himself into the act, flinging himself down against the cool 
grass at the shore of the lake, letting out a howl into the night, 
wishing that sleep would take him and save him from realizing what he 
had done.

"I'm the worst," he muttered through intermittent sobs, unsure of how 
much time was passing, of whether or not he had been there for simply 
minutes or months.  "She did give me everything, and I just ruined it, 
crumpled it and threw it away, and..."  Another choking sob interrupted 
his own words.  "I'm a demon."

Enough time passed, and the tears faded, not from a loss of sadness but 
from a simple inability to cry any longer.  He pulled himself weakly to 
his feet, casting his eyes towards the heavens once again.  The 
intensity of the moment had passed, and that left him with nothing to 
do but simply contemplate his own inevitable damnation.  Closing his 
eyes tightly, he let himself begin singing, quietly, just enough for 
the tune to reach his own ears.  It was a mournful song, one he'd 
learned from his mother, one that had always stirred him into sorrow 
upon hearing it.  It certainly wasn't making things any better.

Lost in the emotion of the song, it took Neil a few moment to realize 
that a high tenor note was echoing his own singing.  He wrote it off as 
his own dellusion at first, but the sound persisted, growing louder and 
closer, and Neil could feel himself singing louder to match the other 
voice.

Finally driven out of his own sorrow long enough to be curious, Neil 
turned, his eyes wide as he looked on the unexpected visitor.  It was 
another boy, he could tell that much, but the figure seemed indistinct 
until it drew closer.  "Who are you?" asked Neil, his voice still 
trembling slightly, his body tensing and relaxing at slow intervals.

"A friend," replied the other boy, his voice high without being 
feminine.  He stepped into the moonlight decisively, and the moon 
seemed almost to turn to frame him, the silver tone of its light 
matching the light color of the boy's hair.  He was pale without being 
deathly, and his hair hung around his hair in a great mane, as though 
he'd never let a comb touch it before.  It was a sharp contrast to his 
almost dangerously thin body, his large blood-red eyes, the thin and 
delicate features of his face.  "I'd like to think that, anyways."

Neil stepped backwards slightly, but the boy seemed unthreatening, his 
hands jammed in the pockets of his black pants, his movements graceful 
and decisive.  "I..."  He stopped, struggling to find the words.  "How 
long have you been here?"

"Long enough.  Don't worry."  The boy took another step forward, 
wearing a thin but friendly smile, as though he was trying to placate 
Neil.  "I just want to help.  It doesn't seem right for you to be 
hurting as much as you are."

One slender, pale hand emerged from the pockets and extended towards 
Neil, fingers splayed in the pale moonlight, and Neil felt something 
oddly reverent about the gesture.  After only a moment's hesitation, he 
extended his own hand, seizing the thin boy's hand in his own, 
surprised at the warmth.  "I'm Neil Richelieu," he said, quietly and 
reluctantly.

"I know," replied the boy, still smiling.  "My name's Kaworu Nagisa."  
His smile flickered for the barest of instants, looking almost guilty 
for a second.  "It seems as though I've been waiting for you for a very 
long time."

                                  ]++[

Outro: Neon Epoch Evangelion is based off of -Shin Seiki Evangelion- by 
GAINAX and company.  It is not intended to be a straightforward fanfic, 
but it is building off the work of others, and as such it is done with 
the utmost respect for the original works and their authors.  
Basically, even though this is an original work, it's based off the 
work of others, and if you read this, you should go to see the original.

Special thanks to all of the real Children - you know who you are.

Extra special thanks to Joe Augulis for his consultation on the 
Japanese portions of the story.  He might not know much Japanese, but 
that's more than I know.

Copyright 2002 Eliot Lefebvre.

NEXT EPISODE:
             An Angel touched me,
             An Angel held me,
             An Angel loved me.
NEON EPOCH EVANGELION 25: SIGH OF AN ANGEL
"God have mercy on my soul."

                                  ]++[

We only have a little time in our lives to waste.  Make the most of it.
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