Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Neon Epoch Evangelion: Episode 25
Date: Wed, 12 Feb 2003 02:55:30 +0000 (UTC)
From: eltf@hotmail.com (Eliot Lefebvre)

GEKIGAN PRE-STORY WARNING!:

This fanfic is an original take on GAINAX's "Shin Seiki Evangelion."
It contains alternative characters, plots, and a different overriding
internal logic.  It is intended, from the beginning, to be different.
This includes different Children and different histories.  In short: if
the mere thought of someone other than Shinji in the cockpit of EVA-01
makes you queasy, you are in -entirely- the wrong place.  Any and all
flames stemming from this alteration will be mocked mercilessly.  You
have been warned.

Before, the problems revolved around lostfactor.net.  This week, they
resolve around a hiccup in internet service here at UCONN.  I know that
it's kind of obligatory to now make a big deal about how crappy the
service here really is, but - despite the fact that I've been quite
vocal about the school's multiple failings - I really can't complain
about the occasional server crash.  It's so rare that I don't really
berate the administration for it - one of those things that's just
going to happen every now and again, whatever you do.

Anyhow, if you've been avoiding the web site for some ungodly reason,
you might want to start checking it out - there will be some author's
notes posted around the same time as the final episode, but they won't
be crossposted.  Plus there's a lot of original, non-NEE stuff going on
too... if you liked what you saw here, you might well like the rest.

                                  ]++[

               ]+ ELECTRONIC TRANSCENDENCE PRODUCTIONS +[
                                presents

                         ]+ NEON       EPOCH +[
                   ]+ E  V  A  N  G  E  L  I  O  N +[

                   ]+ EPISODE 25: SIGH OF AN ANGEL +[

                     By Eliot "Lostfactor" Lefebvre

             Based off of "Shin Seiki Evangelion" by GAINAX

                                  ]++[

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is
light; in him there is no darkness at all.
- JOHN 1:5

                                  ]++[

Sun was more or less a constant in Tokyo-3, as far as Neil knew it.  It
was odd to see the entire cityscape framed by the pale silver
moonlight, the whitewashed buildings almost seeming to be exchanging
their own luminesence with the moon above them.  "It looks so different
from the day," he muttered, letting his eyes flick about the buildings,
unsure of whether or not he was honestly pleased by the appearance.

"Almost like a cathedral," offered Kaworu, stepping beside the boy, the
same thin and vaguely impish smile playing across his lips.  "That's
what the architects of medieval cathedrals wanted, you know - to build
something filled with the light of the sun so that it seemed to have no
walls whatsoever.  I imagine they would have been happy with this city."

"Parts of it, anyways," replied Neil, shaking his head gently and
casting his eyes towards the sidewalk, just barely high enough to keep
him from running into other people as he walked.  He had been talking
with Kaworu for the better part of an hour, as near as he could tell,
and the other boy had been surprisingly attentive and understanding.
The conversation had been shallow and largely meaningless, but
something about the silver-haired boy seemed at once trusting and
trustworthy, almost like a child.

Harsh, jarring music poured out of the doors of a building not so far
ahead, loud enough to make Neil's head snap up in surprise.  Kaworu
simply smiled at him, placing his hand gently on the other boy's
shoulder.  "You haven't told me why it is that you're out here, you
know," he said, just barely audible over the whining guitars spilling
into the street.  "I'm tempted to believe that it's not just for a late-
night walk."

Neil glaned towards Kaworu, then back towards the sidewalk, losing his
vision in the steady pattern of gray concrete broken at regular
intervals.  "I hadn't thought that far ahead," he replied.  "I'd
assumed that I would be spending the night out here, I guess.  Grab
some coffee to keep me awake, wait for the sun to come up.  So you
could call it a walk."

"You didn't answer me.  I was wondering why you'd come out in the first
place."  There was the slightest edge in the boy's voice, as though he
knew the answer and was simply waiting for Neil to admit it.  "Do you
just enjoy staying up all night?"

"Not really.  I just didn't think that sleeping on a park bench was a
good idea."  The guitars slowly faded into the background.  "I... I
can't really go home.  Not after what happened."  He sighed, shaking
his head gently.  "Heh.  I've barely known you for a full hour, and I'm
already letting you know all this.  You'd make a good priest, you know
that?"

Kaworu simply shrugged.  "I grew up in a very religious household.  It
comes naturally."  He let his eyes linger on Neil for a moment, as if
trying to express something without words, then turned his gaze back
towards the street, seemingly trying to catch every movement around
him.  "So what happened at home?"

"You don't really want to know," replied Neil, guilt beginning to
overtake him once again in slow waves.  It wasn't the searing pain that
he could remember freshly, but a sort of dull ache, a resignation to
consequence.  "Like I said, we just met."

"Man should not suffer his pain alone.  We exist only to support one
another."  The words drew Neil's attention, but Kaworu simply smiled.
"I'm happy to listen, if you're willing to talk.  But I suspect that
this might not be the best place to hold this discussion."

"Probably not, but I don't see as we have a choice," replied Neil, his
steps slowing in time with Kaworu's, his head still bowed.  The reality
of the situation was sinking in now, in ways that it simply hadn't been
able to before.  What had happened between he and Nieve was slowly
registering, and it filled him with self-loathing.  He wanted to talk
to Kaworu, but more than that he wanted to run away and never face his
fellow pilots again.  "I can't go home, and your parents -"

"Aren't around."  The statement seemed almost eager.  "If you're that
put out, you can stay with me.  I live alone - it'd be nice to have
some company for a change."

Neil shook his head.  He felt something monstrous in his chest, as if
being close to another human being was virtually asking him to hurt
them.  "That's all right.  I figured that I would head down to NERV
tomorrow and request some sort of housing from them - they'll provide
it, I know that much."  He paused, then frowned.  "I didn't tell you
that, did I?"

"Hardly necessary, Third Child," replied Kaworu, his smile growing
slightly mischevious.  Neil's eyes widened, and Kaworu clapped him hard
on the shoulders.  "I had better recognize my own teammates, hadn't I?"

The blonde Child simply gaped, Kaworu's hands releasing him after a
moment.  "Kaworu Nagisa, Eighth Child," he said flatly.  "I was
initially sent for to replace the Sixth, before it was clear that other
accomodations had been made.  Considering that NERV is nearing the end
of its functional life, I've been called in on reserve."

"I... I'm sorry.  I didn't know."  Neil shook his head, feeling dumb
and slightly jealous, almost wishing that he could simply go back to
his first day in Tokyo-3 and do better against the Third Angel, as if
it would somehow fix things.  "So you probably know me better than I
thought, huh?"

The mischief vanished from Kaworu's smile, replaced by an almost
paternal expression of pride.  "I know that you're the same pilot that
went into battle for the first time without training.  I know that it
was you that nearly destroyed yourself to save both the First and Fifth
Children in battles, and that you single-handedly destroyed the
Fourteenth Angel when it was only inches away from Central Dogma.  I
know that you have proven yourself the most talented and versatile
pilot in NERV."

"You're flattering me," replied Neil, shaking his head.  "It's all luck
and stupidity on my part."  He fought down the urge to add that it had
something to do with his own demonic nature, clenching one fist tightly
enough to nearly break his own skin.  "Besides, you haven't dealt with
me personally.  I'm not much of a friend."

Kaworu's eyes took on a faraway look, even as he reached out and gently
took Neil's chin in his hand, raising his head to be on eye level.
"Once, a holy man was traveling through the wilderness when he met a
farmer.  The farmer cried for the man to stop, and he regaled him with
explanations of how his crops were dying left and right.  If the holy
man did nothing, then the farmer and his family would starve to death."

Neil found himself inexplicably rooted in place, unable to do anything
more than listen to the strange silver-haired boy.  "The holy man went
with the farmer, and he saw the crops withering.  And he asked the
farmer, 'Have you watered the crops?  Have you kept the fields free of
weeds?  Have you devoted yourself to caring for them?'"

Somewhere in the distance, a bell sounded, and Neil flicked his eyes
away from Kaworu for the barest of seconds, pulling his chin free of
the other boy's hand.  "I think I heard this once, in Sunday school,"
offered Neil.  "It was a bishop then, I think.  But the idea is the
same.  The farmer says that he hasn't been taking care of the crops
like that, and the bishop or holy man or whatever says that it's not
the fault of the crops that they aren't being cared for."

"And I suppose they didn't ask you who was right?" replied Kaworu, his
eyes seemingly focused once more.  Neil shook his head, the moonlight
shining harsh in the corner of his eyes.  "It's not important for
tonight.  Come on.  Let's go home."  The boy turned and began walking,
striking off in a direction Neil didn't recognize.

"Wait!" shouted Neil, still feeling vaguely uncomfortable about the
concept.  He wanted to be able to return to Nieve, to beg for her
forgiveness, to somehow redeem himself for his horrible lack of emotion
from earlier in the night.  It was a painfully unlikely reality, but he
could feel a stabbing pain growing deeper each second he was apart from
the girl, knowing that he would never again feel her arms around him.

Kaworu, unaware of this internal struggle, simply turned and smiled at
Neil.  "There is something to be said for acceptance, Neil.  What's
done cannot be undone, and you can only rage against the day for so
long.  Let it go for right this instant.  Let yourself sleep on it."
He extended a hand towards the other boy, moonlight reflecting from the
thin white fabric of his shirt and the fringed silver of his hair.

He was right, and Neil resented it.  It was not Kaworu's fault, and he
knew it, but he resented the idea that there was nothing he could do to
fix the situation, that he'd finally made such a huge mistake that it
couldn't be mended.  Closing his eyes for a moment and letting a single
tear run down his cheek, he stepped towards Kaworu, fists slowly
clenching and relaxing, his body yearning for the fire-haired girl he'd
been so close to hours before.

                                  ]++[

The fire was going out of Niobe.  Ryo could see it from where he stood,
like watching a proud hawk struggle to escape a cage.  In the depths of
his soul he felt a vague sense of responsibility, as though he was
somehow contributing to what was happening to the girl, but it was a
nebulous and unfamiliar concept to him.  The only tangible thing that
he could do was stand in the doorway, watching the fluorescent lights
seemingly leeching the dark chocolate from her skin as she struggled to
return to her feet.

It was, as he understood it, a fairly standard exercise for patients
regaining their ability to walk - two parallel bars set on either side
of a padded walkway, with the intention being that the recovering
patient would be able to use their arms as well as their legs to move.
Niobe had rejected any outside assistance, however, and so she sat, a
grimace on her face, struggling to force her arms and legs to lift her
up despite her obvious weakness.

At length, Ryo could watch no more, and with smooth motions he stepped
over to the girl, walking behind her and grasping her firmly around the
waist with his hands.  He was surprised by how much warmth seeped
through the thin blue pajamas that they had provided for her, but he
ignored it, pulling the girl upwards.  "Here," he said, quietly."

Niobe said nothing immediately, waiting until her feet were firmly on
the pad again before she pulled away from Ryo.  "I didn't need your
help," she spat, her anger not directed at him.  "It was just taking a
while, but I would have gotten it eventually."

"I know," Ryo lied, hanging his head slightly.  He had known that it
would only make things worse, but there hadn't seemed to be any
alternatives.  "I just wanted to help."

"You don't -need- to help.  I can stand on my own to feet."  She
punctuated her statement with an awkward step forward, her short black
hair twitching behind her head as if it was longing for its lost length.

"I thought I said that I didn't want to see you any more," she said at
length, quietly and almost regretfully.  Ryo was still standing behind
her, watching her move, the way that the thin blue fabric traced along
her skin beneath.  "The last time that you came to see me, I said... I
thought that -"

Ryo stepped forward swiftly and placed his hand on the girl's shoulder,
unable to explain why except for knowing that it felt right.  He felt
an odd sort of empathy for her anger, the sensation of being caged
against one's will.  "I don't want you to think of failure... when you
think of me," he said quietly, his eyes closed tightly.  "I didn't want
you to be alone in here."

Neither boy nor girl said anything for a moment.  There was something
passing between them, seemingly conducted by the contact between Ryo's
hand and Nieve's skin, filtered though it was through the fabric.  An
idea began to form in Ryo's head that he could convey himself truly
simply by touching the girl's bare skin, and his hand began to creep
ever so slightly towards her neck, like a drowning man to shore.

Then Niobe laughed and took another awkward step forward, casting off
Ryo's hand and shattering the moment.  "You seem to be the only one,"
she said, her words coming quickly.  "My mother and father haven't
called at all since I got put in here.  Did I tell you that last time?"

Ryo couldn't remember, and he shook his head, swiftly walking out of
the padded alley in the center of the bars and out to stand beside
Niobe.  Her face seemed oddly drawn, even more out of place than usual
against the stark whiteness of the hospital.  "Perhaps they just don't
know.  I could see why the communication might have been delayed."

"Heh.  Don't humor me like that, Ryo.  My father was one of the first
people brought into NERV from the UN - he knows every detail of every
encounter with the Angels.  He just doesn't -want- to call."  She had
reached the end of the bars, and gritting her teeth she released the
bars, slowly moving her feet and trying to turn around.  She had turned
half about in stumbling motions before her legs gave out from under
her, sending her falling roughly to the floor.  "God -damn- me!"

Niobe sighed, then reached up to the bar, almost seeming not to notice
when Ryo's pale hands once again grasped her waist and helped her back
to her feet.  "It's all right," he said, trying to remain calm.  "You
can't do everything yourself."

"Doesn't mean I should give up on trying," she replied with a tired
smile, beginning her slow and awkward walk back down the padded way.
"Anyways, that's just the tip of they iceberg.  No contact from my
parents, nothing from NERV's top command except for the occasional
message relayed through nurses -"  The girl sighed again, an action
that was becoming reflexive.  "Even Nieve hasn't bothered to get in
touch with me.  'Daughters of NERV' indeed."

A wincing pain surfaced in Ryo's chest, recalling the news that had
taken him by surprise almost as soon as he'd received it.  "Nieve...
has had her own problems to deal with," he said softly.  "You know Neil
isn't living there any longer?"

The African girl froze but said nothing, obviously expecting the pale
blue-haired boy to continue.  He forced his eyes shut, the stark white
of the walls beginning to make him sick to his stomach.  "Neil and
Eiko... they kissed, yesterday, before the Sixteenth attacked.  Nieve
found out about it from him, and... he left.  She hasn't seen him
since."

Niobe made a small indignant noise, then forced herself forward another
step.  She tilted her head back towards Ryo, opening her blue eyes as
wide as she could and fixing them firmly on her lone companion.  "You
were in love with Nieve," she said.  "You went to her as soon as Neil
had seemed to be leaving Tokyo-3."

"I don't know what I felt towards Nieve," replied Ryo, recoiling
further from the girl's gaze.  The concept of embarassment was still
somewhat alien to him, but it was still something he was capable of
feeling, and it made him urgently wish to change the topic.  "I don't
know what was going through my head at the time.  I don't understand a
lot of what I did."

"But you still hate Neil."  It was not a question, and the girl forced
herself forward another step, almost seeming to take some small
strength from the growing flaws in Ryo's porcelain facade.  "Or at the
least, you're angry with him."

Ryo closed his eyes as tightly as he could, recalling the other boy
hurling his Eva on top of the Fourth Angel recklessly, wishing almost
desperately that he could still identify with the boy inside of EVA-00
on that day.  "I don't know what I feel towards Neil," he said, trying
to remain calm, the state that he was most accustomed to.  "This is so
much easier for you, Niobe.  You... you're used to feeling things in
ways that I'm not.  I don't -know- my feelings."

Niobe's hands tremebled against the cold metal of the bars, feeling
something tremble within her.  She had only rarely heard Ryo put such
force into his voice, and on some level it still scared her half to
death.  "Guess at it," she said, taking another halting step towards
the end of the padded walkway.

Taking a deep breath, Ryo forced himself to think of the other boy, of
everything that he had spurred and everything that he had done.  He
remembered being spurred into his affections for Nieve by Neil's
bewildering actions, rembered being shocked that the normal Child would
risk his life for others against Dr. Ikari's orders.  He remembered
seeing the way he reacted to Eiko and Nieve and Misato, the way that he
seemed to turn daggers inward towards himself, and in one great gust of
breath Ryo felt profound confusion, an utter inability to answer
Niobe's question.

"It's too much," he said, shaking his head gently.  "I do not know."
He paused, then took another breath, grasping for some kind of answer.
"All I can be certain of is that he treated Nieve poorly.  He's made
her unhappy so many times."  Another sigh.  "I don't know.  I don't
understand."

"Don't be too hard on him for making her unhappy."

The statement cut through the stale white air like the wing of a raven,
and Ryo's eyes snapped open once more, taking in the whole of Niobe.
She was leaning at the end of the padded walkway, and though Ryo
strained he couldn't quite tell if she was crying or simply resting.
"Don't be so hard on him," she said, quietly.  "I'm starting to think
that we all make one another unhappy all the time... that we just do
that sort of thing by accident and nature, as though it was the only
thing we were ever good at."

Something stirred in Ryo as he watched Niobe struggle to turn around
once again, and before she had even made it halfway around he was over
standing beside her, his hands flying to her waist seconds before she
could slip and fall.  Her body trembled slightly, and Ryo found himself
marveling at the warmth from her skin once again, this time seeming to
trace its way up his arms into his body.  "I would have made it," she
whispered, a thin smile upon her lips.

Ryo had no idea what to do, and he did the only thing that he could
conceive of in the situation.  He turned Niobe around as best he could
and kissed her, letting his lips press hard against hers, his hands
encircling her waist tightly.  A shudder ran up and down her body like
electricity even as her tongue darted weakly against Ryo's lips.  He
could see the surprise and confusion in her eyes, and he felt unable to
do anything but simply stared back into the blue abyss.

Then her hands managed to press tightly enough against his chest to
make him stop, and she gripped the bars again firmly as he staggered
backwards.  "What did you... what..."  Her voice was tinged by desire
and shock at once, and a thin mist of red was passing across her cheeks.

"I don't know," replied Ryo, feeling the intensely awkward pain of
embarassment passing through his chest once again.  He knew that he'd
made the wrong decision, and he felt himself long to return to the
steady comfort of routine once again.  "You just seemed so sad, leaning
there, and I know how sad I had made you, and... I don't know.  I don't
understand."

"You can't just -hide- behind that!" snapped Niobe, nearly falling
forward from the effort of pronouncing the words.  "You're not an
idiot, Ryo, so don't expect that you can do whatever you want and
then..."  She coughed, then bowed her head.  "I'm sorry.  I... I
just... when you..."

"I should go."  It was a decisive statement, spoken flatly and without
question, and even through the pain of the moment it brought Ryo a
momentary reassurance.  The sudden look of pain on Niobe's face sent a
dagger through his chest, but he let the stark white of the room blur
the edges of her outline.  "Would you like me to send for a nurse or a
doctor?"

"No."  Her voice was firm once again, as though she'd somehow started
to regain her previous determination in earnest.  Her hands gripped the
bars tightly enough to turn her knuckles white, and taking a deep
breath she forced herself to spin around roughly, staggering slightly
but remaining upright even as she wobbled.  "I'll be fine until they
come to take me back to my room."

"Good," replied Ryo firmly, turning away and heading out of the room.
He was tempted to tell her that he would be back, but he didn't allow
himself the luxury of looking backwards until the doors had hissed shut
behind him, leaving the action meaningless.  Almost the second that he
was out of the room he coughed, feeling as though the air of the
medical area was infesting his lungs.  With a heavy heart, he walked
towards the elevators, confused and frightened, wanting very badly to
have an absolute direction once more.

                                  ]++[

Ritsuko stared at the monitor for a moment, halfway baffled by what she
was seeing.  "You haven't loaded any of his data into the Eva's core,
have you?" she asked Maya, her eyes flicking back and forth now between
the young brown-haired woman and the triplet of entry plugs sitting in
the testing chamber.

"EVA-06 is still configured for the Fourth," replied Maya, shaking her
head rather awkwardly.  "Kaworu achieved his synch ratio naturally."

The silver-haired boy was sitting rather contentedly in his entry plug,
his eyes closed, the dark blue and black of his plugsuit in harsh
contrast to the light color of his skin and hair.  Ritsuko could see
him clearly on the main computer display, just as she could see the
indicator of a 60% synch ratio with the Eva that hadn't been configured
for him.  It was an insanely high value, beyond even what Rei was
capable of.  "There's no damage to the diagnostic equipment?"

"Of course not.  We swept all the devices before we even began
testing."  Maya sounded vaguely irritated, her eyes moving to follow
the agitated Dr. Akagi.  "Is something the matter?"

"You know full well," replied Ritsuko, gently biting her lower lip,
trying to fight off a vague discomfort about the boy sitting in the
entry plug.  There was something familiar about him that she couldn't
quite place, a similar nagging reminder to Ryo but somehow different.
"Try to scale back the ratio slightly.  Get him down to fifty percent."

Maya flicked her eyes towards Ritsuko somewhat balefully, and her mouth
parted ever so slightly as if she was considering questioning the
woman's orders.  Then it snapped shut once again, a slight furrow
appearing on Maya's brow as she tapped out a few quick commands.
"Scaling back EVA-06's synch ratio to 50%," announced the woman flatly.

"Understood," replied Kaworu, smiling as the ratio beside his portrait
plummeted to 50% in what seemed to be the space of an instant.  The boy
did not so much as twitch, but the ratio stayed perfectly fixed at 50%,
without even the slightest fluctuation.  Ritsuko's frown deepend, and
her breathing began to come more quickly.

A quick tap on her shoulder drew her attention to Misato, the purple-
haired woman simply standing behind her with a blank expression.
Ritsuko watched the woman's eyes, and Misato flicked them quickly
towards a far corner of the testing room, then leisurely walked over,
obviously intending for her former friend to follow.  After a moment's
hesitation, Ritsuko followed, forcing herself not to feel awkward,
repeating in her head that it was simply a professional relationship
now.

"Something's going on with Kaworu, isn't it?" asked Misato as soon as
the blonde woman was within earshot, her words barely above a hiss.  "I
can see the way that you're looking at his display.  There's something
you know that you're not telling me."

"Perhaps it's nothing," replied Ritsuko flatly.  "A minor suspicion
because of a boy who's just arrived at NERV and tests better than any
of our more experienced pilots.  I'm surprised that you're not more
worried yourself."

"I -am-," replied Misato, drawing herself closer to Ritsuko.  There was
an odd scent about the red-jacketed woman, and it took Ritsuko a moment
to realize that it was Misato's natural scent, undiluted by the haze of
alcohol that she had always seemed to carry around.  It was almost a
slap in the face for the scientist.  "Look, something's going on with
Kaworu, and it's something that I want to know about.  And I'm almost
certain that you know something that I'm not going to be told.  So let
me in."

Ritsuko fought a quick war within herself, staring at her former
friend, the thin lines of age beginning to hint at formation on
Misato's otherwise still-young face.  Behind her, she could hear the
noises of the computers, of the ongoing synchronization test, the slow
sloshing of the liquid within the test chamber.  If she could have
smelled beer on Misato's breath, it would have been easy to say no, but
the thought that something had changed in both of them following Kaji's
death would not leave her mind, almost parasitic.

"There's nothing to tell, really," replied Ritsuko at length, turning
away from her friend and staring at Maya, unsure of exactly what she
was doing.  "It's just an odd situation prompting some rather paranoid
theories - probably nothing."  She paused.  "Of course, if it's
correct, that would be something worth talking about."

Misato said nothing, and Ritsuko wished that she could see the other
woman's face.  "You see... Kaworu officially was requested by NERV as
the Eighth Child, as a sort of prelude to the end of the conflict.  But
that's not the exact procedure.  He was set -to- NERV, by SEELE."

"Doesn't say much," replied Misato, obviously picking up on the
pattern.  "After all, it was certainly a matter of time before the full
list of Children was revealed to the general public, especially once
the Angels are destroyed.  Might as well have as many on record as
possible.  And, after all, NERV would have sent for him in the first
place."

"Of course.  We would have done so as soon as the Sixth was lost."
Another pause from Ritsuko, this time to lower her head slightly.  She
didn't like the conversation, and it made her feel ghoulish in a way
that she couldn't explain.  "But, we did have the Seventh.  We had
enough pilots for all of our Eva units.  It certainly isn't necessary
to have one final pilot... if the final Angel falls on us with enough
force for one extra to make a difference, he would -need- his own Eva
unit."

Without another word, Misato stepped beside Ritsuko, keeping her head
fixed forward, her body as still as possible.  "Are you suggesting what
I think you're suggesting?" she hissed, words almost lost to the hum of
the fluorescent lighting above them.  "That Kaworu could be -"

"Enough.  He isn't, at least as far as we know now, and until we find
out anything more we're just jumping at shadows."  She took a long
breath.  "But to be -entirely- honest, I don't think I'd be surprised."

Nodding gravely, Misato stepped backwards.  "I suppose that I should go
meet with Makoto," she offered, a weak excuse but a functional one.
"We need to account for Kaworu in our battle strategies, after all -
being able to move out an injured pilot might be able to make a
difference in the fight."

Ritsuko nodded absently, utterly unconcerned with her friend's
pretense.  She felt sick at heart, as though she was lying each time
she denied having fallen for Kaji despite herself.  Pushing the thought
out of her head as best she could, she stepped curtly over to the
testing computers.  Whatever Misato knew, she would only ultimately
help NERV, and in the end Ritsuko doubted the woman would interfere
with their ultimate goals.  "God be with us," she muttered, almost by
accident, as her blue-gray eyes fell on the serenely grinning Kaworu
once again.

                                  ]++[

The teal-gray of Central Dogma's metal bulkheads had never felt
welcoming, and Neil's sole interest in them was the way that they could
slowly morph from one form of hostility to another with time.  As near
as he could tell, they had taken the role of prison walls on, seeming
to hedge him in as he sat outside the door to the girl's locker room,
scuffing his feet gently against the smooth metal.  "I should have done
this last night," he muttered quietly, his voice raspy from
exhaustion.  "I shouldn't have left.  She's not going to even want to
talk to me, much less even think about offering me a second -"

Hissing came from the door, and Neil sprang to his feet, trying to make
himself presentable as it slid open.  Swallowing hard, he looked Nieve
in the eye as she stepped out of the locker room, catching her gaze
almost immediately and rooting her to the floor as soon as the door had
closed behind her.  "Hey," he said, trying to sound casual, feeling a
nervous twitch slowly start in his body.

Nieve stared for a moment, then lowered her head slowly.  "Hey," she
replied, her voice sounding remarkably unbitter.  He had been expecting
some kind of hammer blow to fall the moment that he opened his mouth to
her, but instead she simply regarded him calmly, slightly shifting her
weight back and forth between her feet.  She was wearing the long-
sleeved green blouse that he liked, the top few buttons left hanging
open, the bottom edge of the shirt hanging over the short red skirt
that brushed against her knees.  Her hair was perfect, falling along
her shoulders and setting off her bright green eyes, and Neil felt an
intense pain sear through his chest at the sight of her.  "Where were
you last night?"

"At Kaworu's," he replied in the same sort of deadened tone.  "I didn't
think that it was a good idea for me to go back to Misato's apartment
after what had happened, and I ran into Kaworu while I was out
walking.  Pure luck, really."  He paused.  "I was here mostly to meet
him when he got out of his synch test."

Both Children stared at one another, then Neil bowed his head and shook
hit, thin fingers of blonde hair waving across his brow.  "That's not
true," he sighed, his muscles tightening.  "I could have waited for him
at his apartment.  I... I came because I wanted to see you.  Because I
had to see you."

"Oh."  Nieve's voice was still oddly emotionless - not the bitter cold
that had pervaded Neil's voice the night before, but a sort of weak and
tired stillness that matched the flickering light above them.  "You
could have come by Misato's apartment, you know."

"I... I didn't know if you would let me in," he replied, honestly.  He
slowly lifted his eyes to look at the girl once again, another pang of
love traveling through his body.  Simply looking at her body made him
hate himself even more, and at the same time it made him yearn to hold
her, to feel her soft warmth against his skin.  "This was the one place
that I didn't think you could avoid me."

Nieve said nothing, averting her eyes slightly from the boy in front of
her, just enough for him to notice it and not enough to seem
significant.  He was failing at the one thing he genuinely wanted to
do, and he was painfully aware of it.  "Nieve, we need to talk about
what happened last night," he half-begged, taking a cautious step
forward as if she would bolt away.

"You know, Vash came over after you left," said the girl calmly, biting
her lower lip for a second as she rocked unsteadily on her feet.  "He
said that you'd come to Eiko's house and that you'd claimed you were
looking for him.  I only thought later that you might have been looking
for Eiko at the time, that you simply changed your mind when you saw
him there."  She paused, then cast her gaze towards the floor
awkwardly.  "Which was it, Neil?"

"Please, Nieve, understand what happened," he said weakly, avoiding her
question less because he was afraid of answering and more because he
could already feel himself losing his nerve.  "Eiko kissed me first.
It wasn't anything that I saw coming, that I even -expected-.  I just
didn't know what to do for a second or two, as if I'd been hit by a
train."  He sighed.  "I didn't want to... I didn't mean to..."

"Vash told me."  Her voice was still the same quietly mournful tone as
it had been before, but there seemed to be a subtle undercurrent of
impatience.  "He mentioned that he'd seen the whole thing between the
two of you, that it wasn't your fault in the end."  She forced a smile
awkwardly.  "Funny, isn't it?  I can't tell if you really went over to
find him or to find Eiko.  I can't tell if what Vash said to me last
night was an honest defense of a friend or his way of trying to keep
you away from Eiko.  It's all painfully unclear."

Neil's hands, almost unbidden, flew into fists.  "Trust me," he
pleaded, taking another step towards her.  He didn't know exactly what
he was feeling, only that it was tearing him apart from within with
alarming speed.  "Nieve... that day when the Fourteenth attacked, I
came back because I saw it hurt you.  I came back for you."

"You're not listening.  I can't -know-."  The irritation was more
pronounced now.  "I don't know if that's just a convenient story for
right now.  You might be telling the truth, and I would have no way of
knowing, not for certain.  All this time, I've trusted you to act a
certain way -"

Anger sprang into flame in Neil's chest, and in rage he slammed his
fist hard against the teal-gray bulkhead, ignoring the electric pain
that shot through his hand and up his arm in reaction.  It startled
Nieve enough to silence her, and it startled Neil enough to freeze him
in place, head bowed and eyes closed.  "I don't want to fight you," he
whispered.  His breathing was growing slightly irregular.

The girl stared for a moment, then reached towards him with one hand,
trembling as a branch in a strong breeze.  "I don't want to fight you,
either," she whispered, her fingers stretching weakly towards the boy.
He slowly looked towards her, meeting her eyes with his own, watching
the hand move slowly towards him.

It was Neil who stopped her, to his surprise, raising one hand and
gently gripping her wrist.  The mere touch of her sent images rolling
through his mind, but he forced himself to ignore them, simply
releasing her and raising his head.  "I miss you," he said, knowing he
was circling the one thing that he wanted to say but unable to stop.
"I don't want to be without you.  I... I don't just want your
forgiveness."

He sighed, and once again his head fell forward, bowed in a gesture
between humility and self-loathing.  "I want you to trust me," he
whispered, vaguely urged to cry.  "I know that I haven't done anything
to deserve your trust - especially now - but..."  He shook his head,
then forced himself to look the beautiful girl in the eye, painfully
aware of how much he was hurting her as well as himself.  "I need you
to give me that trust, as much as I need you to forgive me."

Nieve remained motionless for a few moments, staring into Neil's eyes,
the emerald color almost a perfect mirror for her own eyes.  They both
seemed to be waiting for him to say the few critical words, but not a
sound passed between them save for the constant humming of the lights
above them.  At length, she turned away, closing her eyes and clasping
her hands against her chest.  "I want to be able to give you that," she
whispered, her body trembling as she struggled against tears.  "But I
can't.  Not quite.  I can't."

Then her eyes flew to meet his once again, and volumes seemed to pass
between the two in the space of a second before the girl took off down
the hall, brushing past him within scant inches of touching him, her
motions fluid and beautiful.  Neil, feeling impotent and hobbled,
simply watched as she fled, unable to do anything besides feel his body
rupture irrevocably.

It might have been hours before Kaworu came down the hallway for him, a
sympathetic smile on his face.  "Neil," he said calmly, his red eyes
clear of malice.  "I'd expected that you would meet me after I finished
with synch testing."

"So did I," replied Neil weakly.  He resented himself for not caring
more about Kaworu, knowing full well that the other boy had been
nothing but kind and accomodating, but he couldn't help it.  "But I had
to stop and talk with Nieve.  I... I should have talked with her
yesterday... I should have handled the argument better... God damn it,
why couldn't I have just been smarter and not -kissed- her?"

"Do you mean Nieve or Eiko?"  The question drew Neil's attention fully
to the silver-haired boy, like lightning to the ground, but Kaworu's
expression never flickered for a moment.  Neil could feel something
vaguely disquieting from the other boy, as though he was asking
questions he shouldn't have known to ask.  "After all... it really
depends on which of them you want more, I suppose."

Neil simply stared at the other boy for a moment, then shook his head,
breathing deeply and exhaling with the same force.  "I was just trying
to be honest," he sighed.  "I was just trying to tell everyone the
truth.  Isn't that supposed to be the right thing to do?"

"The truth changes things.  Little that anyone can do about that."
Kaworu stepped forward and gently touched Neil's arm, his red eyes
glittering beneath the fluorescent light, something vaguely sinister
lurking behind his expression.  "Come on.  Let's go home.  You need
some time apart."

Kaworu tugged on Neil's arm, and Neil weakly followed, feeling rather
neutral about the entire situation.  He didn't understand how he'd
managed to make such a mess of things, but he knew that it somehow
drove back to the things he'd all but forgotten after he charged back
to NERV on that fateful day.  The teal-gray of the metal walls
surrounding him felt more like prison walls than ever, and as he
followed Kaworu through them he couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't
fully appropriate - if they weren't keeping him in a very subtle form
of hell.

                                  ]++[

Every time the white wooden cross hit her chest, it felt almost like a
hammer falling.  It made her almost wish that she was still wearing the
bright red jacket that indicated her as commander of NERV opeartions,
just so that it wouldn't be able to touch her bare flesh.  Still, there
was something about it that kept her unable to remove it, some
indescribable serenity that went along with each slow oscillation of
the pendant.  "You could have given me a little more warning, Ryoji,"
she muttered, slowly shaking her head, drumming her fingers weakly on
the desk and waiting for her computer to finish its grinding processing.

Ritsuko's warning had only driven home a creeping suspicion that was
beginning to form in Misato's brain.  There was a familiarity to
Kaworu's form, something oddly reminiscent of another boy that she
could remember clearly.  The delicate way in which he moved, the thin
features, something in the way that he smiled.  "The skin's paler, the
hair's longer, but he could be a dead ringer for Shinji," she muttered,
still drumming her fingers impatiently.

Shinji.  She had only met the boy for a brief time, and then she had
watched him be ripped away from both her and his father.  She could
still remember standing in the testing booth, watching EVA-00 sink
forward weakly, Ritsuko and the technicians shouting frantically behind
them, lights flashing as the great orange goliath crashed through the
catwalk.  Standing beside her was Gendou Ikari, simply watching, not
saying a word, only taking in the slow-motion ballet of the scene.

It had all happened in seconds, and through it all Gendou had remained
unmoved.  Misato had lingered in the glass box, however, knowing
painfully well what it felt like to watch someone be torn away from
you.  She had let the technicians file out, and then she had walked
over to Gendou, unable to see his eyes behind the shimmering
reflectiveness of his glasses.  "Commander Ikari?"

Her eyes had glanced down to the hangar, towards the slumped form of
EVA-00.  Its hands had dug furrows in the teal-gray of the walls, its
head sunk as far forward as it could go, the twisted wreckage of the
catwalk still wrapped around its midsection.  Something unspeakably
desperate seemed to hover around its motionless form, the lone red eye
staring towards the floor.  Then she had looked back to the commander,
having no doubt in her head about what he was feeling.  "You had no way
of knowing," she had whispered.  "Shinji made the choice of his own
free will."

"And now I have neither wife nor son," he had whispered back, almost
too quiet to be audible.  For just the barest of moments, his head had
turned slightly, and she could see lines of sadness moving across his
face, see him struggle to keep himself focused.  It was more than
simple regret - it was a deep-rooted guilt, as though he held himself
personally responsible for the entire mess.

Then it was gone, and his face went perfectly cold once again, as
though he had never felt anything.  "I believe that you have work to
do, Captain Katsuragi," he had said calmly, turning towards her, his
black jacket hanging open and matching the color of his hair
perfectly.  "Our first attempt at locating a pilot for the Evangelion
units has failed.  We will need to find a suitable replacement."

At long last, Misato's computer ground to a halt, but her mind was
wandering now.  It had been the first and only time that she had gotten
even a glimpse of what was behind the facade that Gendou maintained
almost religiously - a hint of what he was truly interested in.  She
couldn't forget it in light of the disturbing resemblance between the
commander's lost son and the mysterious Eighth Child, and something
about the concept chilled her to the bone.

Then her eyes flicked towards the computer screen, and she nearly
slapped herself for losing her train of thought, leaning towards the
computer as one hand moved towards the mouse.  "Kaworu Nagisa," she
muttered, slowly scrolling along his portrait, examining the scant
information that she was being given.  "No parents... no relatives..."
She froze, her eyes going wide.  "No date of birth.  The only thing in
here is the date he was transfered to Central Dogma on."

Biting her lower lip for a second, she typed in another quick command,
drawing up the central database of the Children.  She had discovered it
almost by accident during a quick hack into Gendou's personal database,
and something about the list had innately disturbed her, the Children's
names set up along what seemed to be the branches of an elaborate
tree.  Then there were other names listed, presumably more Children.
It looked as though it was haphazard, but Misato knew that it was
anything but, that there was some mystery to the arrangement that she
simply hadn't deciphered.

Kaworu's name jumped out at her, and she clicked on it, hoping that the
commander would have some more information.  Certainly enough, a new
display emerged on her computer, but her hopes were dashed as she saw
only a lone sentence to describe him, a sentence that offered her only
cursory insight into the boy.

"Possible vessel for Tabris," she read quietly, biting her lower lip
gently as she let her eyes flicker back and forth across the screen.
There was something missing, one final element that she simply hadn't
been able to piece together.  "Is that what Ritsuko was warning me
about?  Is 'Tabris' going to be...?"

Sighing, she quickly shut off the computer, not wanting to remain
hacked into NERV's network for too long.  Kaji had left her everything,
entrusted her with the whole and breadth of the work he had done.  "I
miss you, Ryoji," she muttered, shaking her head as she stood from her
desk.  She had other things to do before the night ended, and she
didn't doubt that one of those would end up being comforting Nieve.

                                  ]++[

The sun seemed hateful towards Tokyo-3, as if it was glaring down on it
and waiting for it to repent.  Eiko could distantly remember having
heard from her grandmother long ago that the sun was the Eye of God,
that it watched over everyone and judged them by their deeds.  The old
woman had never been religious in any serious sense so much as she was
superstitious, but as Eiko looked up at the hatefully glowing orb in
the sky she couldn't help but wonder if her grandmother hadn't had
something right.

She moved awkwardly towards the spot on the hill that she remembered
irrevocably, seeing Neil full well as he leaned over the guardrail, his
blonde hair blowing gently in the breeze.  Her heart clenched tightly
along with her fists, and she fought down the urge to run.  "I've run
away from this every time," she whispered, forcing herself to keep
walking, the green hill on one side and the gleaming buildings on the
other.  "I'll do it.  I'll talk to him."

Neil didn't look up as the girl approached him, simply stared down at
the disturbingly slick surface below the path that the road took.
"This was the first place that I learned to go to in Tokyo-3, you
know," he said calmly, so much so that he could have been talking to
himself.  "Even before I could go to Central Dogma reliably, I could
always come here, above the city, outside of it just far enough.  I
always loved it, and I thought it was because it was the first place we
met."

Eiko said nothing, breathing more quickly, forcing herself to look away
from the boy and towards the gently-swaying leaves of the trees above
her.  She had come expecting him to fight her, and she'd been prepared
for that for perhaps the first time in her life.  The idea that he was
being gentle threw her preparations into disarray - but that seemed to
be what he was best at anyways.  "I'm sorry," she offered.

"Don't be," he replied.  With slow, laborious efforts, he pushed
himself off the guardrail, his muscles moving in tandem beneath the
teal fabric of his shirt.  It was a lovable gesture, something that
Eiko had seen him do seemingly hundreds of times before and still
couldn't get over.  "I created it all in my head, you know.  Half of
what passed between us was just what I thought would be going on if I
was somehow in control of the way the world worked.  It wasn't real."
He chuckled, more than a little bitterly.  "I have nobody but myself to
blame."

The raven-haired girl stood and stared, feeling a conflict within her
and not shunning it immediately.  She knew that it would be easy to
rush to him and hold him, to say that it wasn't in his head, and that
would be just the thing to shock everybody.  It would have been perfect
poetry in motion, and she knew it.  But Vash's comment from the day
before had stuck in her head - that she was nothing but a pastiche of
reactions.  "I won't," she whispered, closing her eyes momentarily.  "I
won't be that anymore."

Her eyes flew back open to see the boy's mouth half-open, ready to say
something, and for the barest, final instant she had the urge to stay
silent.  "I don't think that we should spend time together any longer,"
she said, flatly, her words sounding rushed even as they froze Neil in
place.

The leaves rustled above the Children, and Eiko bowed her head, feeling
as though a great weight had been removed even as another seemed to be
forming itself.  "You've been a great friend, Neil," she continued,
more quiet now.  "And you've done things for me that are beyond what I
would expect.  You're great.  But..."  She sighed.  "I love Vash.  I
truly do.  I don't love you... not in the way that you'd need me to."
Her head tilted back once again, her eyes meeting his.  "I'm sorry."

"It's all right," replied Neil with a shrug, something breaking just
behind his eyes as he stared at her.  "I knew, more or less from the
day we met."  He sighed.  "Like I said... it's not your fault that I
came to the point that I did.  I did it on my own, without your help.
You... you just happened to be along for the ride."

"Really?"  It sounded odd to the girl, and she forced herself to take a
halting step towards him, even as a pang rolled across her chest.  "You
don't hate me for it?"

"How could I -hate- you?" asked Neil.  Shaking his head, he turned back
to face out across the city, his eyes a twinkling green in the hateful
sunlight.  "Look, Eiko, I can't help the way that -I- felt.  It'd
hardly be fair to expect you to be different.  The heart wants what the
heart wants."  He sighed again.  "I'm just sorry for the damage that
I've done.  It's the last thing I wanted."

"You did your best," replied Eiko, beginning to feel unspeakably
nervous.  She knew that she couldn't linger near the boy too much
longer, that guilt and fear were beginning to overtake her.  "I don't
hate you either, you know.  I really do care about you."

"Of course you do," replied Neil.  His voice was still placid, and it
was slowly becoming frightening for Eiko.  At first, he had sounded
normal to her, but she was slowly realizing that it was the voice of a
man who had resigned himself to execution and had no further interest
in fighting.  "You just can't reciprocate what I feel.  No shame in
that.  Thanks for being honest."

His words had defused her once again, and shaking her head she turned
sharply on her heel, trying to snuff out the disturbance in her soul
with anger.  "Goodbye, then," she said flatly.  "I guess I'll see you
when the final Angel attacks Tokyo-3."

Something held her in place for a few seconds, just long enough for her
to hear a single, tortured breath escape Neil's lips.  She tilted her
head ever so slightly backwards, and she could see that he hadn't moved
except to lean his head back.  "You know, my life's getting torn
apart," he sighed, his eyes fluttering closed as the breeze continued
to gently stir his hair.

Eiko couldn't move, but Neil wasn't looking at her.  Once again she
couldn't tell if he was simply talking to himself or to her.  Taking a
deep breath, she resolved to move, but her feet remained rooted to the
ground, as though something bigger than both of them needed her to stay
in place.

"When I came to Tokyo-3... I didn't have anything, you know."  The
boy's voice still had the odd quality of resignation.  "And then I met
a wonderful girl that I fell in love with.  And she was beyond me, and
I met another wonderful girl whom I fell in love with just as
intensely.  I knew that there was only one solution, one way to keep
things functional - I had to never let things change."

He sighed.  "Everything's falling apart now.  I've lost almost
everybody, and fairly soon I will lose everybody.  The only thing left
for me to do is just watch it crumble."  Without warning, his eyes
opened and turned towards Eiko, burning with an intensity and an
honesty she couldn't remember seeing before.  "All this, and I was just
trying to tell the truth."

There were no words for the girl.  Her legs were freed, and with swift
steps she began walking, trying to pretend as though she hadn't been
paying attention to Neil.  The image of his final look at her would not
leave her mind, and as she walked she knew that she would see those
brilliant green eyes when she went to sleep.

                                  ]++[

"You don't understand it, do you?"  Kaworu's tone was calm and
understanding, the sort of tone that the silver-haired boy seemed to
address everyone with.  He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his
head tilted halfway towards Neil and halfway towards the television.
"They say that after enough time spent in another culture, you start to
pick up on the language."

"Obviously not a conclusion reached by someone piloting an Eva,"
replied Neil weakly, trying to avoid Kaworu's eyes as best he could.
It was nothing personally against Kaworu so much as it was against Neil
himself.  He was uncomfortable with the thought that he hurt people
simply by proximity, but he could hardly deny it.  He was uncomfortable
by the strange pictures flashing across the television in a strange
apartment, feeling cold and alien in the borrowed navy blue pajamas.
And, though he doubted that there was anything that he wasn't reading
into it, he felt uncomfortable by the other boy's proximity.  "No, I
don't understand a word."

Kaworu simply smiled more deeply, then turned his head fully towards
the television, his red eyes focused but at the same time oddly
distant.  "He's preaching," the boy explained calmly.  "He's telling
all those watching that it is better to love and forgive one another
than to obsess over crimes.  He's saying that love is something free,
not apportioned, and that love is not and never has been a zero-sum
game."

Neil turned to look at the pale boy sitting beside him, trying to
understand him.  There was an oddly alien quality about him, as though
he was watching the television but not truly understanding it.  "It's
good to love people," breathed the boy, his eyes shutting halfway.
"There is nothing better."

Resisting the urge to spit out some rejoinder, Neil instead rose to his
feet, the straw mat that he had been sitting on feeling rough and
prickly beneath his soles.  "I should probably get some sleep," he said
softly.  "I haven't been sleeping well, after all, and the Seventeenth
Angel could be upon us any moment."  He sighed.  "Better be ready for
the one thing that I'm still any good at."

"Very well," replied Kaworu with a nod, leaving Neil to turn and begin
walking towards his bed.  "Why is it that you're staying here?"

The boy's entire body went stiff, his eyes widening and then shrinking
in one smooth motion, a quick surge of terror flooding his body.
"Because I don't have anywhere else to go," he replied, struggling to
remain calm.  "Nobody else wants me, Kaworu.  Frankly, I can't blame
them."

"You're wrong."  Neil could hear the noise of Kaworu rising clear as
day, and with baited breath he turned to see the pale boy walking
towards him.  "And you know that, don't you?  The real pain is the
thought of going back to them, not being separated."

"Shut up, Kaworu," Neil snapped, retaining what tiny shred of spine he
had managed to hold on to.  The last thing that he needed was another
source of grief, and he could feel long-forgotten defensive mechanisms
slowly kick in inside his mind.  "You don't want to go treading places
that you don't know anything about.  Just leave it the hell alone."

"And what makes you think that you can tell me to do that?"  Neil's
eyes narrowed, and he stared into Kaworu's blood-red orbs, seeing the
same alien quality in them once again, as though the boy was at once
present and missing.  "Come now, Neil.  You tell yourself all the time
that you're a weak person.  You don't honestly believe that you can do
anything to stop me."

"I -can-," replied Neil, growing angry.  It wasn't intentional or even
wholly merited, but the bare white walls of Kaworu's apartment were
setting him on edge just as the Japanese preacher in the background
did.  It was alien to him, and something about it simply resonated as
wrong within his chest.  "Don't -push- me, Kaworu.  Just because I
can't seem to -love- right doesn't mean that I can't fight back."

Kaworu's smile took on a slightly mischevious tint, then he was moving,
and before Neil could realize it he was slamming Neil as gently as
possible against the wall.  There was barely any pain, and as Neil
looked into the boy's eyes he could see no malice, nothing but an
indecipherable mask.  "Why aren't you fighting back, then?" he asked
quietly.  "Not against me - but against everything falling apart?  Why
don't you fight to keep things together?"

"God -damn- it, you just don't understand at all!"  Neil placed his
hands firmly on Kaworu's chest and shoved, forcing the other boy away
roughly.  "Nobody -wants- me, don't you -get- it?  There's nothing to
fight -for-!"

"Of course they want you," replied Kaworu, stumbling to a halt weakly,
his limbs seeming just slightly too flexible for a human body.  "Nieve,
Misato, Vash, Eiko... even Ryo and Niobe.  They all love you, Neil, in
their own ways.  And you can't blind yourself to that, because it's
obvious.  I've seen it in less than two full days."

Neil's hackles rose again, but as he stared at Kaworu something in him
seemed to gain understanding, as though staring into the other boy's
eyes long enough was all it took.  "You're a fool, then," he sighed,
turning away from Kaworu, shaking his head gently.  "And you don't know
the first thing about me."

The sound of footsteps was so quiet as to be invisible, but Neil could
feel the rough warmth of Kaworu colliding with him just as he could
feel the floor as their twin bodies crashed into it.  His teeth gritted
in anger, he pulled himself around so that he was lying upright,
intending to shove Kaworu away again.

Kaworu was moving and thinking faster.  His hands snaked out and pinned
Neil's wrists roughly against the cold wood of the floor, and he
balanced perfectly against Neil's legs.  "You don't know the first
thing about me, but you trusted me," replied Kaworu, the smile on his
face no longer alien and instead warm.  Under the half-light of the dim
apartment, his features looked disturbingly androgynous.  "You have
this picture in your head, Neil, but you know full well where you're
wrong.  You know the people who love you would take you back, no matter
what you've done."

"I don't -have- anybody that loves me," replied Neil roughly, his
breath coming more quickly, a tension growing in his chest.  He
suddenly wanted very badly to be lying in a bed in a room where
moonlight streamed in through the windows.  He wanted to lie in a bed
where a beautiful woman had told him that she had lived through hell by
pure luck, and where a girl he loved had slowly come over to him to
make love to him.  "That's just the problem."

Then there was a quick warm pressure against his lips, and his eyes
flew open a moment too late.  Kaworu's face was hovering not an inch
away from his, the red eyes seeming to take up the whole of Neil's
vision.  "Now you do," whispered the boy, sounding no so much excited
as simply pleased with himself.

Neil gaped, and Kaworu released him and rose to his feet in one swift
motion.  He had reverted back to the mysteriously serene boy once
again, with barely even any warning.  "I'll let you go to bed, then,"
said Kaworu, stepping gently back towards the television.  "I hope you
sleep well tonight."

For a moment, Neil remained stationary.  Then his fingers lifted to his
lips, touching them as gently as possible, as though trying to sort out
the mess of impressions left on them.  He had no idea what to make of
the situation, only knew that there was an awkward pressure in his
chest once again.  "I miss Nieve," he muttered, shaking his head gently
and pushing himself to his feet.

It was an odd night for Neil Richelieu, and he knew that it would only
grow more indecipherable with time.  But even beyond the tangled
personal relations, he knew that something had changed.  For the first
time that he could remember, he fell asleep without the touch of EVA-
01's leering green eye, replaced simply by Nieve's face, scarred with
hurt as though he had destroyed her.

                                  ]++[

Clouds were cloaking the sun, only letting out the slim golden rays in
tiny bursts across the face of the school.  It was beautiful to look
at, and it sent pangs of loss and resent through Eiko's chest as each
beam seemed to score across the ground.  The last time that she had
tried to draw light effectively had been the day that she had met Neil,
and now she found herself unable to draw at all.  "It's all still
there," she muttered to herself, leaning forward and tapping her foot.
"Just locked away."

The air was thick outside, and only a few scant noises reached the girl
as she sat in the terrace, never a popular location for lunches and now
more or less deserted.  She was sitting there our of a desperate hope,
watching the path that she'd always seen Neil walk, hoping that he
would have ignored her and was coming anyways.  Her eyes could already
trace out the outline of his shoulders, his blonde hair blowing lightly
in the wind, his arms swinging peacefully by his sides.  So the girl
sat, her arm beginning to ache, the light of the sun striking only a
few patches of pavement along the path.

"He's not coming."  At first, Eiko thought she only imagined the voice,
but a second later her head snapped around to see Ryo standing next to
her.  There was an oddly harrowed expression on the boy's face as he
sat down, his movements slow and deliberate.  "Probably having lunch
with Kaworu now."

"I wasn't waiting for Neil, if that's what you're thinking," snapped
Eiko, a flush blossoming on her cheeks as she leaned back in her seat.
"I was... just admiring the way that the sun looks today.  It's not the
usual sort of scornful thing, you know."

Ryo flicked his eyes towards the sky, then towards Eiko once again.
Something moved across his red eyes like a fevered rage, and Eiko felt
a momentary cold rush through her body, as though the boy sitting
beside her was only biding his time with her.  "There's nothing to be
ashamed of," he said quietly, shaking his head.  "I think he's trying
to distance himself from everyone now."

"Of course.  Neil always does."  It hurt to say the words, but Eiko
forced herself not to feel it, instead simply grabbing the small brown
bag that contained her lunch and opening it.  "It must have something
to do with the Angels.  After all, we're nearly done fighting them,
aren't we?"

"Yes," replied Ryo, the same flicker moving across his eyes as he
turned back towards the cloud-streaked heavens.  "The Seventeenth Angel
is coming, and once that's done... it's over.  NERV will be dismantled,
the Evas will be destroyed permanently, and we will find ourselves
growing into middle age as the people who once saved the world."

Eiko bit her lower lip for a moment.  "You don't sound very convinced,"
she replied at length.

"I'm not," replied Ryo, shaking his head and closing his eyes, his
entire body tilting forward in a single eerily smooth motion.  "Eiko...
there are things that I've been involved with in NERV, things that
nobody else has been participating in.  I can't shake the feeling that
the whole time I was just not noticing something important... something
that Commander Ikari was willing to show me because he assumed I would
never care about it."

Tenatively, Eiko edged closer to Ryo, placing her hand gently on his
back as his breath came more slowly.  "Commander Ikari is only trying
to save this world," she said, struggling to make her voice
reassuring.  "That's all."

"No."  There was a force to his words, and without warning he stood,
his hands clenched into fists.  "There's something else that he's
trying to do.  There's something else that the Angels are trying to
do.  There's... there is something, something I can't remember for the
life of me.  Almost as though it's locked into my brain somehow."

A breeze blew through the trees, stirring the leaves and senting the
few mosaic lights along the terrace into eddies of activity.  Ryo's
eyes attached themselves to one such whirl, his brow furrowing as
though he was trying to puzzle out what was in the pattern.  "Something
about God," whispered the boy, taking a halting step towards the
light.  "About God's wrath and forgiveness.  About the First Angel
and..."

"I don't want to know!" snapped Eiko, pitching forward and burying her
face in her hands, an inexplicable terror seizing her.  She could
almost see her grandmother warning her about the sun as the angry eye
of God, and it terrified her, her body shivering despite the normal
summer heat of the day.  "We're doing everything that we've been told,
aren't we?  If we destroy the Angels, the world is safe.  That's what
we've all learned."

Ryo's hand closed on the girl's shoulder, and she snapped into a
sitting position, her eyes flying up and meeting his.  "You're right,"
he sighed, still sounding unconvinced.  "We save the world by
destroying the Angels.  It shouldn't be any more complicated than that."

Eiko was slowing her breathing down gradually, taking some small solace
in Ryo's words despite their doubt.  She didn't want to admit to having
felt uneasy about the situation, but it seemed as though things were
only getting worse rather than better.  "You know what's going on with
Neil?" she breathed, happy to have an alternative focus for the
conversation.  "Is... is he all right?"

The pale boy closed his eyes, then opened them again, the flickering
uneasiness gone from them.  "Not really," he replied, stepping to
Eiko's other side and sitting down gracefully, blue hair fluttering
slightly in the wind.  "He doesn't seem to be taking the whole
situation well.  I've only seen him once, but I've heard a few things
from Misato."

Eiko frowned, letting out a slow breath and turning her eyes towards
the heavens as well.  "It's all my fault," she said, watching the
clouds roll across the sky and intercept sunbeams as if it was their
only purpose.  "The way that I've been acting... it's horrendous.  As
though I was the only person with feelings that matter.  As if -"

"Stop."  Ryo's voice still sounded odd when it was saying something
decisive, but Eiko fell silent, looking on the boy sitting next to
her.  "Neil doesn't blame you at all.  I don't even think that Nieve
does.  He blames himself for being weak."

"That doesn't make me feel better," replied Eiko, sinking her head
forward weakly, her hands clenching limply into fists.  She wanted to
be angrier with herself, but somehow all she could feel was tired.  In
the back of her mind, she couldn't figure out whether she'd really done
what she had intended when she met with Neil, or if she'd just reacted
to something that frightened her the same way that she always had.
"That really doesn't make me feel better at all."

Ryo didn't respond immediately, but after a moment he extended a hand
and placed it firmly on the girl's shoulder, the only gesture that he
seemed to be capable of.  It was touching on some level, and it brought
a smile to her lips.  "What's wrong?" he asked, his voice wavering ever
so slightly from its usual monotone.

"I don't have the vaguest idea what's wrong with me," replied Eiko,
shutting her eyes tightly for a moment.  "Vash told me the other day
that I wasn't a normal person... that all I ever did was react to the
world around me.  Like a personality assembled by patchwork."  Her
shoulder twitched slightly, and Ryo's grip loosened almost
unintentionally.  "I don't know the first thing about who I really am,
and I've gone and ruined everything for Neil and Nieve."

"You..."  Ryo bit his tongue for a moment, as if he was trying to find
the words in a painfully undeveloped vocabulary.  "I don't know who I
am, either.  I don't think that I'm much of anything.  But... I
remember that you were kind to me, when I first talked to you."  He
smiled weakly.  "You answered my questions.  You talked to me.  You and
Neil... you two are like that.  Both of you."

Despite her intentions, Eiko could feel a smile slinking across her
lips, stirred by the boy's halting and friendly words.  "Thanks," she
said softly, edging closer to Ryo.  "I'm sorry that I shouted at you
before."

"Don't be," replied Ryo, shaking his head before glancing towards
Eiko's lunch, the vaguest tremor appearing in his lips for an instant.
"Let's have something to eat."

                                  ]++[

Neil took intermittent, pensive bites from his sandwich, glancing
occasionally towards Kaworu and then letting his eyes fall back on his
meal.  The bread tasted like a wet kitchen sponge, the meat like slimy
rubber, making the cheese the high point simply by virtue of it tasting
like virtually nothing at all.  As the boy nibbled away at the meal, he
found himself wondering if the food tasted bad normally, or if was just
a manifestation of his emotions.  "Suppose it's possible," he muttered,
shaking his head.

"What's possible?" asked Kaworu, turning his attention towards Neil,
the same indecipherable half-smile on his face.  The two were sitting
in what Neil assumed was the same place that they'd first met so long
ago, small packages of food unfolded before them amid the thin green
blades of grass.  Neither of them had synch testing or school, and
Kaworu had suggested that a picnic might help lighten Neil's spirits.
It seemed not to be working.

"Oh, nothing," replied Neil, sounding rather bored as he leaned back
against a tree.  "Just thinking... food tastes different when you're
sick, because of the way that smell mingles with taste.  So I just
assumed that the same thing could happen when you're unhappy."  He
paused, taking another bite from his sponge and rubber.  "Or it could
just be that I managed to get a sandwich that complemented my mood."

"I'd suspect the latter.  Mine's atrocious, too."  The silver-haired
boy smiled at Neil, then gently placed his sandwich back within the
small unfolded package at his feet, lingering a moment longer before
falling backwards to lie staring at the clouds.  "So, are you planning
on addressing what happened last night any time soon?"

The blonde boy started, his eyes flying almost unintentionally towards
Kaworu as the sun briefly slipped out from the nest of clouds.  The
night before had been disturbing enough, and while he wouldn't have
said it in so many words he didn't think that being with Kaworu was
making things any better.  "I was hoping not to," he replied flatly.
"There didn't seem to be anything to discuss."

"You have a wonderful way of avoiding these things," noted Kaworu idly,
his eyes fixed on the sky above him.  "But you're not the sort of
person to run away, are you?  That's the whole reason why you're
sitting here with me, because you faced down something you could have
run from."

"Different circumstances," replied Neil firmly, forcing himself to take
another bite of the sandwich.  A rolling unease rippled through his
stomach, and he felt the urge to crawl over to the lake and vomit.

"Mm.  You felt guilty then."  The words were spoken so casually that
Neil barely even heard them, and by the time his eyes had fixed on
Kaworu's the other boy had already moved on.  "I kissed you last night,
though.  That's worth confronting."

"No, it's not," replied Neil flatly, pausing for a moment before
sighing heavily.  "I told you last night that there was nobody left who
would even tolerate me in Tokyo-3, and I can't risk losing that now."

"Why?"  Kaworu rolled towards Neil, balancing on his elbow as he stared
at his fellow.  "If nobody wants you in Tokyo-3, you can always leave.
NERV will be fully staffed and prepared to deal with the Seventeenth,
and you'd be leaving then anyways.  Why are you willing to throw
yourself in with a boy that you've only just met instead of leave
people that don't care for you any more?"

Neil felt the vaguest urge to utter some kind of response, but he shook
it off and simply shrugged, taking another bite of his sandwich, the
urge to empty his stomach painfully strong.  "No idea.  Because I'm
stupid, I suppose."

"You're many things, but I wouldn't say that stupid is one of them,"
replied Kaworu gently.  "You know the real reason why you stay.  Why
not say it?"

"Because I don't know."  Neil sighed.  "Do we have to -talk-?  I'm only
here until the Seventeenth appears, and that's it."

Kaworu opened his mouth to say something else, then closed it once
again, an oddly understanding smile crossing his face.  "I'm not trying
to fight you, Neil.  I'm sorry if it seems like I am."  He pushed
himself to his feet, ambling the few steps towards Neil before flopping
to the ground once again.  "I only want for you to be happy."

A bitter laugh escaped Neil's lips almost accidentally, and he found
his hands clenching into fists despite himself.  "Aim for the sky," he
muttered, shaking his head.  "Kaworu, everyone that cared about me is
gone from my life now.  I thought that I had a life here, and now it's
gone.  There isn't much -to- be happy about."

"Perhaps you still do have a life here," offered Kaworu, gently placing
his hand on the other boy's shoulder.  "You know, people care about you
and about what happens to you.  Even if they're angry at you now, or
scared of you... maybe you shouldn't give up on them so easily."

"Thank you.  I needed advice from an after-school special."  Neil
sighed again, pulling away from Kaworu.  "This isn't as simple as
getting other people angry.  This is me betraying the trust of a girl
who relied on me, taking advantage of an immature girl who didn't know
what she wanted, nearly killing someone I should have been saving..."

"But you don't leave.  I notice it, and you can be certain that they
notice it too."  The silver-haired boy edged closer to Neil once again,
and this time Neil made no effort to pull away.  "You're right, I can't
be certain about all of this.  I'm coming into the situation too late
to know things intimately."  He closed his eyes gently.  "But I believe
that we all want to love if we can.  And I don't think that your entire
life is in shambles."

"It feels it," replied Neil, almost unconsciously dropping the noxious
sandwich, feeling sick to his stomach once again as tears began to form
behind his eyes.  He was painfully aware of how alien the situation
was, how it had been less than two days since the two boys had met, but
he could feel something melting inside of him.  "I was just trying my
best, you know."

"Of course I know."  Gingerly, Kaworu wrapped his arms around Neil.
Neil started, then slowly felt the other boy's warmth seep into his
body and realized that the gesture was a purely platonic one.  He
relaxed, finding an awkward comfort in the almost-stranger's arms.  "I
watched everything that you did from afar, and I saw the sort of person
that you'd made yourself into.  You're a wonderful boy, Neil, and
you'll grow to be a spectacular man."

The tears came now, though whether they were from accepting the words
as true or simply an expression of denial he couldn't tell.  "I'm a
liar, a coward, and a villain," he replied, slow drips of water running
along his cheeks and into the corners of his mouth.  "Not that
different from my father, I suppose.  And I know the sort of man he
grew into."

"You just want to believe that about yourself, because it's easier,"
replied Kaworu softly, pulling the boy closer.  "I saw everything,
Neil, and I knew that I had to meet you before you were gone forever.
That's the real reason I came to Tokyo-3.  I knew that there was no
need for another pilot... I just had to meet you."

A shiver of embarassment ran through Neil's body as he thought of the
other boy using his ties to NERV.  It was different than the near-
revulsion he had felt when Misato had confessed her knowledge about
Neil's past - now he felt a personal shame, as though Kaworu had been
let in on all of his most private and evil emotions.  "Don't model
yourself after me," he whispered, his tears beginning to trickle past
his lips.

"I'm not.  I just saw you for who you were, and I liked it."  Kaworu
brought his face close to Neil's, his embrace growing tighter.  Neil
knew that it would have looked like an intimate gesture to anyone
passing by, but he could feel the calm love radiating from the other
boy, the simple and almost paternal emotion.  Somehow, it almost made
him more shamed.  "I believe in you, Neil.  I'm impressed by you just
the way that you are now."

Neil took a long, slow breath, then let his hands grasp the other boy's
arms, trying to calm himself.  "You're a lot more forgiving than I am,"
he whispered.  "I don't like anything about the way that I am now."

"Perhaps you never will," replied Kaworu, closing his eyes as if he
couldn't bear the light of the sun any longer.  "I sometimes believe
that's part of the way the world works, too - that those with the most
love to give can't love themselves.  They love everyone around them,
and they try to fill up that hole with other people."  He sighed,
biting his lip, obviously leaving something out as if from guilt.

The blonde boy felt it and ignored it, feeling comfortable for the
first time that he could remember in a long while.  "Thank you,
Kaworu," he whispered, painfully aware of the insufficiency of his
words to express the relief that he felt.  He closed his eyes as well,
silently dreaming of Nieve, the vaguest glimmer of hope moving through
his veins.

                                  ]++[

She could feel the apartment slowly becoming permeated with the stale
air of a tomb.  The pale yellow walls were becoming more oppressive
daily, and her books lay unread, spread out across the couch, ignored
in favor of Japanese television that she didn't understand and a
growing resentment towards the world.  Nieve had never realized how
totally her routine had relied upon Neil's presence, but as her world
crumbled around her she knew that there was no point to denying the
problem.

Her skin felt bare, unaided by the red blouse that she wore half-
unbuttoned and the unusually long white skirt that stopped slightly
below her knees.  "Nothing to do," she muttered, tilting her head
slightly to one side and flipping the channels, almost happier not to
know the language that everyone else seemed to be speaking.  "Just
waiting for Godot, I suppose."

The thought struck her as odd, and she forced a laugh, her hand slowly
moving towards the decorated red box of crackers.  The salty taste of
the snacks was still lingering in her mouth, but she didn't see the
point in not eating more, and she scolded herself for eating too much
even as another handful found its way into her mouth.  "Getting fat all
over again.  Small wonder that Neil didn't want me any more."

Misato's keys sounded in the door, and Nieve pulled herself to her
feet, still feeling uncomfortably naked and imagining mounds of fat
attached to her body all over.  She shuffled towards the door, watching
the purple-haired slip off her shoes with practiced grace, as though
nothing had changed at all.  "I thought you had work for the rest of
the day," Nieve half-whispered, lacking the energy to put more into her
speech."

"I figured that I might be able to get more work done later in the
day," replied Misato calmly, stepping swiftly past Nieve and towards
her room.  "Besides, I just wanted to check on a few things here.
There were some... projects.  I left them to their own devices while I
was at work."

Nieve knew that she was being left out of the loop, and for the barest
of moments she felt energy flow into her once again.  "You've never
told me anything about these," she said, following Misato somewhat
awkwardly.  "What are you up to?"

The woman stepping into her room and shut the door firmly, obviously
not interested in furthering the conversation.  "Don't you worry about
that," she replied, her voice muffled through the wooden door."

Sighing, Nieve slumped against the wall besides the door, her eyes
drifting closed.  She didn't feel like fighting, and she doubted that
there was any ultimate reason to bother.  Misato had made her decision,
the same way that she'd always done, and Nieve could do little but sit
and watch.  For all of Nieve's supposed importance, she knew with
painful clarity that she was on the outside looking in.  "Do you
suppose that Neil's ever coming back?"

Misato's door opened a second or two later, and Nieve started,
realizing belatedly that she'd asked the question aloud.  "You really
do miss him," murmured the elder woman, crouching beside the girl with
a look of sympathy.  "I miss him, too."

"He has to come back.  He - everything of his, it's right here."  She
sighed, lowering her head further, avoiding Misato's gaze as best she
could.  "But I guess nothing would be any better if he did come back.
It's not as though -"  Another sigh passed her lips, as if words simply
hadn't been invented to express her thoughts.  "I don't want him back.
I want EVA-02 back."

Nieve flicked her eyes towards her guardian, watching the woman remain
silent, simply staring at her patiently.  "I honestly don't know what
he plans on doing," she said at length, shaking her head.  "The Eighth
has put him up for the time being - past that, we just have to wait and
see."  She paused.  "He'd probably be more willing to come back if
you'd forgive him."

"I want to," replied Nieve, drawing her knees against her chest and
hugging them close, feeling a slight chill pass through her body.
"Lord knows that I want to."

"Then why don't you?"  Misato's hand had found its way almost
accidentally to the girl's knee, squeezing it gently in an effort to be
caring.  Nieve could only think of the way that it had felt to flex her
red goliath's body, the perfect harmony she had felt whenever she was
in control of it, the wonderful rush she'd gotten after her first
battle with the Sixth Angel.

"Have you ever tried to pinpoint the exact moment in your life that
things started to go wrong, Misato?" she asked limply, finally drawing
her head up and staring Misato in the eye.  "Do you know when
everything started falling apart around you?"

"Of course I do," replied Misato, sounding genuinely empathetic as she
sat beside the girl.  "I used to think that it was the day of the
Second Impact, the last day that I ever saw my father alive."  She
paused for a moment, flicking her brown eyes away towards the nearest
lamp as if it would provide insight.  "But I don't think that was it.
I think it was when I left Ryoji Kaji behind.  If I'd been just a
little bit smarter, I think I wouldn't be in this mess today."

"It was the day that the Fourteenth destroyed my Eva," replied Nieve,
turning to watch the television.  She could distantly hear the words
that she didn't understand, but she could see the actors clearly as
they ran back and forth, desperately struggling to keep piles of dishes
from falling.  "I was so angry at Neil, and at myself, and at
everything around me - and I kept my cool, and the Angel tore me apart
as if I was nothing.  And then..."

A choked sob escaped her throat unexpectedly.  "I saw my mother before
me, wearing the same clothes that she'd worn the day she died, as if
nothing had happened after the Eva had killed her.  And she was gone,
before I could do anything, as if all the work I'd put into having a
handle on things was just... was just..."

Misato pulled Nieve forward, and the girl let out a wail of
desperation, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes.  She knew
that crying was ineffectual and she didn't care, focused only on the
pain eating away within her chest.  The feeling of dread she'd felt for
so long would not escape her, and in the back of her ming she knew that
Neil would never return.  She had been given her one chance to forgive
him, and now she had damned herself away from him forever.

                                  ]++[

Kaworu's motions were fast and deliberate, almost as if he were ashamed
of even standing within the Eva hangars, his shoes clicking gently
against the metal lattice of the catwalk.  His head hung low, his eyes
closed tightly, but the same awkward smile still played across his
lips, as though he was laughing at a joke that only he had been let in
on.  As he stepped towards the hangar housing EVA-07, he was distantly
aware that he was being watched by NERV's command staff, but the
thought didn't bother him in the least.

The white beast had been perhaps the first Eva repaired, and as Kaworu
saw it loom before him he could see that everything had been carefully
restored by the technicians, ensuring that it would function to the
utmost capacity.  It was an unintentional courtesy that he appreciated,
and he almost wept as he stood in front of the golem's face and stared
it down, as if waiting for it to respond.  "Hello," he whispered,
opening his bright red eyes and staring at it.

The purple-orange nutrient bath surrounding the Eva sloshed as it
usually did, the slightest disturbance rippling through the surface as
Kaworu stood.  "I told Neil that I was coming in for synchronization
tests," he said calmly, his smile fluctuating between malignant and
simply amused.  "Is that what you were told?  Is that what you told
them, too?  Did you even know the truth before it was too late?"

A low rumble sounded through the hangar, and Kaworu turned his eyes
towards the place that he knew the security cameras were housed.  His
grin fluctuated again, his eyes flicking back towards the golem.
"False child of Adam.  What an existence you must be forced to lead."
A sigh passed his lips, and he raised his left arm towards the sky, his
fingers splayed outward, the rumbling growing and the nutrient bath
stirring more violently.  "Come, then.  The last eye of God can still
see the works of his children."

Soft white light seemed to be cloaking itself around Kaworu as he
brought himself to his tiptoes, his body otherwise remaining rigid.  A
spray of nutrients flew up and snapped away from his body, coating the
catwalk but leaving him dry.  "Must I do this?" he asked, this time not
addressing the Eva in front of him, his eyes closed and his head
suddenly bowed once again.  "There is no other way?"

No response came, but Kaworu had received his answer, and his head and
eyes snapped back to their previous positions.  "So be it.  The horizon
of eternity is denied humanity."

EVA-07 suddenly twitched, sending great sprays of the nutrient bath
along the walls a second before the screaming red alerts began to rip
through the air.  The golem's head seemed to open wider, the lenses of
its four eyes shining with stark white radiance.  Its arms strained at
the restraints, and Kaworu's body slowly left the surface of the
catwalk.  "Come.  We have much that must be done."

The restraints snapped, and Kaworu could hear the echoing noise of the
other Evas damaging themselves involuntarily.  His eyes turned towards
the security camera, and he moved his Eva towards it, letting a white
hand move to crush the hateful eye.  "Contact him," he said simply,
letting the vaguest hint of orange octagons ripple in the air before
him before EVA-07 crushed the camera and left nothing but darkness
within its chamber.

                                  ]++[

His radio was active even before his entry plug was halfway to the
massive purple goliath, the alarms searing his ears as they came from
both outside and the internal speakers.  Neil hadn't been given an
explanation of the reason behind it, but he knew that the base had been
invaded from the only other time that he'd ever heard the alert in full
force.  It was only slowly becoming clear to him just how bad the
situation was.  "EVA-07 is penetrating the lowest level of Central
Dogma!" shouted what he assumed to be Makoto's voice, the panic evident
as the white cylinder moved towards the waiting Eva.

LCL began to spill in almost before the plug had finished inserting
itself, and Neil felt a rush of terror at the implications.  "What the
hell is going on?" he shouted, hoping that someone would hear him
before he choked momentarily on the LCL.  "If there's an Angel attack,
why did you drag me here without the others?"

There was still a sore spot on his arm from where the Intelligence
agents had grabbed him, and he rubbed it gently as a crackle came back
from the command center.  "Neil..."  Misato's voice sounded almost
apologetic, and his ears perked slightly into attention.  "It is the
Seventeenth Angel.  He's taken EVA-07 and he's trying to get to the
depths of the base."

"You've got to be kidding me," muttered Neil, shaking his head as the
camera came on line, feeling the Eva's body begin to wrap around his
own, the perception reaching outward.  "But why just me?  And why
haven't you sounded the alert for the city yet?  Hell, how did the
Seventeenth get into Central Dogma without -"

"Kaworu," replied the cold voice of Gendou Ikari, stilling Neil's
outburst.  "His pattern spiked as blue when he was already within the
base.  Our internal defenses were not designed with such an intrustion
in mind, and so he proceeded to highjack EVA-07."

Neil's eyes went wide for a moment, his hands unintentionally releasing
the metal handrests of his Eva.  The liquid in his mouth suddenly felt
choking, and the Eva around him seemed to retreat into the distance.
"That's impossible," he breathed, closing his eyes and shaking his
head.  "Kaworu can't possibly be an Angel.  We... we would have known.
He's just another Child, not -"

"He is Tabris, the Seventeenth Angel and the last of God's messengers,"
replied Gendou flatly.  "He deceived us all, and he is going to use our
own weapon against us to bring out the Third Impact that will destroy
mankind forever."  He paused.  "You are the only one that can pilot a
machine against him, Third Child.  Destroy the Angel."

"But..."  In desperation, Neil slammed his fist against the wall of the
cockpit, feeling smothered and helpless.  The entire situation felt
like a dream, as though he had fallen asleep in Kaworu's apartment and
only dreamed of NERV Intelligence bursting in and dragging him to
Central Dogma.  But the plugsuit he'd been forced to wear was no
illusion, and much as he struggled to explain the whole mess away he
knew that it was reality.  "Why me?  Why can't you send one of the
other Children against him?"

"All of the other Evas were disabled," replied Misato's voice, sounding
more comforting, almost as if she felt as guilty as Neil knew he soon
would.  "He did that when he took EVA-07.  That's why his synch ratio
is so high - he communicates with the Angel inside each Eva.  He broke
all of them but EVA-01."  She paused.  "He didn't even try to damage
it, Neil.  He wanted you to come after him."

Bile rose at the back of Neil's throat, and he pitched forward in the
seat, his hands digging into his knees as he struggled to wrap his mind
around the concept and blamed himself.  "Stupid boy," he muttered,
shaking his head slowly, trying to stay quiet as he felt like
screaming.  "Should have known that it was too good to be true.  Your
own damn fault."

A lone tear floated off into the LCL, and Neil's fingers gripped the
handrests once again.  "All right," he breathed, turning his Eva
around, feeling hatred bubble behind his eyes.  "You're going to have
to give me some idea of where I need to go."

Within seconds, a small flashing display had emerged on his camera, and
nodding he jerked his machine forward, rushing out into the launching
area, skidding to a halt as he glanced up and down the massive
structures.  He had seen it only once before in a similar situation,
and he could remember the Fourteenth Angel only too clearly.  Shaking
the memory from his head, he noticed a light in his camera leading him
towards one end of the great corridor, and without words he began
running, breath coming quickly and harshly.

There was a vertical opening that led downward, and EVA-01 dove into
it, darkness attaching itself to the purple goliath as it plummeted
past the ruined wreckage of what he knew to be former defensive
barriers.  "Why's he taking EVA-07 further into the base?" he spat,
following the light as he landed once again, racing through a dimly-lit
corridor he'd never known existed.  "Why doesn't he just level the
place from within?"

"None of the Angels are trying to destroy NERV specifically," replied
Gendou, still sounding calm as Neil rounded a corner, his eyes staring
down the long hallway lit only by weak fluoresence.  "They never have
been.  Their goal has always been Lillith, the Second Angel, the
bringer of the Second Impact."

"Contact between another Angel and the Second would bring about the
Third Impact," Misato said weakly, almost as if she was holding
something back.  It only distantly registered in Neil's mind as he
continued running, seeing another vertical drop and throwing himself
down it.  "We housed Lillith here to defend her from them as best we
could, in the deepest reaches of our base, immobilized and kept secret."

Neil wanted to spit insults at the phantom voices guiding him, but he
resisted the urge.  His eyes could pick out the gaunt white shape of
EVA-07 beneath him, and he could hear the resounding echo of buckling
metal.  "I'm approaching the Seventeenth Angel," said Neil firmly,
gritting his teeth as he continued falling.  "Fully deploying AT Field."

Kaworu was floating beside the almost silver EVA-07 with a soft glow
about him, his eyes focused on the steady beats of the golem's fists
against the bulkhead holding them both back.  "Terminal Dogma," he
whispered, a faint smile upon his lips.  "You have a way with
terminology, Gendou Ikari."

Then he looked up, and as Neil hurtled downward he sighed, raising one
hand towards the purple Eva.  Neil ignored it, then felt his machine
slam hard against a barrier just above EVA-07, the rippling octagons
leaving no doubt as to its origin.  "I'm sorry, Neil," he said softly,
staring at the eyes of the boy's machine.  "I can't let you stop me,
not when I'm this close.  It's nothing personal."

"Shut up," snarled Neil, forcing himself outward into the Eva, knowing
full well the rage that lay beneath its surface.  His fists tightened,
and he slammed his machine's arms against the AT Field hard, letting
his fingers slowly pry the field open even as Kaworu visibly struggled
to hold it in place.  "I'm going to stop you, after what you did to me,
after what you...  I'll stop you!"

The field crumpled and opened just as EVA-07 stuck its fist through the
barrier with a triumphant noise of tearing metal.  Its head jerked
towards Neil, but the boy already had deployed and prepared a prog
knife, sending the blade racing towards the bone-white golem.  "DIE!"
screamed Neil, lunging forward, feeling the reassuring impact of the
other Eva's body as his knife slammed hard against its armor.  White
rage burned behind his eyes, and for a moment the whole of his anger
was focused against Kaworu's puppet.

"Pay attention."  The voice was Kaworu's, and Neil whipped his head
about to see the boy slowly descending through the hole that he had
already inflicted.  "I no longer need EVA-07, Neil.  Please, don't
waste your energy."

Kaworu's form slipped out of sight, and Neil felt anger burn along his
skin once again, a burst of strength overcoming him as he slammed the
prog knife through the armored skin of his white opponent.  He
recognized the burning needles flowing through his arms, but instead of
struggling against it he forced himself to release the energy.  EVA-
01's hands pointed towards the bulkhead beneath it, and a brilliant
burst of white light took it to pieces as if it were scrap paper.

A cold wind ripped through the chamber beneath the shaft, and Kaworu
was slowly floating towards the ground as he stared up, watching Neil
and EVA-07 fall in unison, the shattered fragments of the defensive
barrier almost seemingly like snow.  Neil only barely saw the gleaming
white of the landscape he hurtled towards, simply knew that he had to
catch Kaworu, that he was dangerously close to failing.  "Stop!" he
shouted, bracing himself for the impact, letting himself slam against
the loose snow beneath his feet and dropping into a crouch.

"No."  Kaworu's reply seemed tinged with sadness, but the emotion
didn't register, and Neil simply let out a guttural scream and rushed
for the boy.  His arms lashed out, then froze in place as they slammed
against another AT Field.  Growling, Neil struggled to pierce the
barrier once again, resisting the urge to cough up the blood that
accompanied every time he used the S2 organ within his machine, blood
trailing from the corner of his lip.  "I told you, Neil, I can't let
you stop me now."

The full weight of EVA-07 slammed against Neil, and he felt a wave of
pain wash over his side as he struggled to regain his footing, eyes
flung about the room in a desperate attempt to get his bearings.  It
was snow - he could see that now - lying atop a glacier of some kind,
the primary presence in the huge domed room containing himself and
Kaworu.  At one side sat a pair of Eva-sized doors, and all about the
room were great crosses of red metal, seemingly placed at random.
"Don't do this!" shouted Neil, shoving the other Eva off and turning
towards the retreating Kaworu once again.  "Kaworu, -please-!"

"Make me."  It was almost a taunt, and Neil felt himself starting to
rush forward before the white Eva once again grabbed him tightly,
rooting him in place despite his best efforts to free himself.  He
could only watch as Kaworu floated towards the double doors, his own
strength less than a match for the more entrenched EVA-07.

Growling, Neil whirled and slammed his knuckles across the head of
Rei's machine, forcing it to release him.  The prog knife still lay
embedded within its armor, and Neil realized that he couldn't simply
damage it to stop it, that Kaworu could keep moving it around until
Neil relented.  "I've got to tear it to pieces," he breathed, licking
at the blood still sitting by his lips.  "I can't let any of it remain,
or it'll..."

Something snapped within Neil, and his eyes widened as he stared at the
white goliath before him, realizing what he was contemplating.  Fresh
self-loathing stirred in his gut, his hands flexing weakly against the
cold metal handrests of his cockpit.  "The only person," he muttered,
staggering backwards.  "The only one that ever told me that they..."

His back hit one of the metal crosses, and without even thinking he
found his hands wrapping around it.  Unit 07 simply watched, then began
approaching, a lone knife deploying from its shoulders.  Ignoring the
other machine, Neil set his feet against the slippery powder beneath
him and pulled upwards with all his strength, wrenching the gigantic
metal cross out of its place, revealing a sharp point at its bottom.
"Misato?" he whispered, feeling terrified.  "Misato, can you hear me?"

There was no answer, and with a cry of rage Neil launched himself
forward at the white Eva, his hands gripping the arms of the cross
tightly.  "KAWORU!" he screamed, impaling EVA-07 with his makeshift
weapon, forcing it backwards until the point of the cross buried itself
in the metal wall.  The golem speared by it twitched, its blood
spilling out across the snow beneath it, marring the perfect white as
Neil turned his back to it.  "KAWORU!  I'M COMING FOR YOU!"

Kaworu had already passed through the huge doors, and without thought
Neil launched himself towards them, breaking them down, sending them
forward with a splash into a lake of liquid.  He could see the boy's
hovering form, and he launched himself into the lake, sending up a
great spray of the liquid, coating his camera for a moment.  "KAWORU!"
he screamed, taking a moment to notice the room around him.

Slowly, Kaworu turned to face Neil as the boy took in the
surroundings.  He was standing in a great lake of LCL, the red-orange
liquid lapping against his knees and filling the room beyond his range
of vision.  In the center of the room, perhaps only a dozen feet away
from Kaworu, there was a cross more gigantic than those within the snow-
filled room, this one starkly upright, forcing the attention of Neil's
eyes.  It was not the cross that fascinated him - it was what hung upon
it.

It was the size of an Eva, its hands impaled against the cross, head
slumping forward slightly, a bulbous and disturbingly humanoid body,
the skin limp as if it were merely a bag holding the innards.  What
little light fell into the room threw it into stark relief, forcing the
white monster to cast shadows around the room.  Only its upper body
hung on the cross - the legs were missing, and only a mangled waist
spoke to the fact that they had ever existed.  LCL trailed from that
ruined waist, slowly trickling in to the lake surrounding EVA-01.  But
Neil knew that he recognized the red spear embedded within its chest, a
great red double-pronged weapon that seemed to extend impossibly far
towards the ceiling, like some great forbidding scepter.

"Lillith," intoned Kaworu, turning to face Neil, the smile evident on
his face.  "Second Angel.  Bearer of the Second Impact.  Your enemy,
and yet what you struggle to defend."  The boy hovered up towards the
massive spear, wrapping his hands around it as best he could.  "This is
how it ends, Third Child - with your final defeat."

Neil's eyes widened, and as he watched the lance slowly emerge from the
bulbous white flesh he forced himself forward, moving forward with all
the speed that the spraying foam of LCL would allow him.  Everything
else faded from view - he could only watch as the tips of the spear
first touched open air once again, Kaworu drawing back and gripping the
two-pronged weapon tightly, something within Neil telling him that he
must not be allowed to finish what he had started...

In one smooth motion, EVA-01's hand lashed out and slammed into
Kaworu's body, a sickening crack filling the air as Kaworu released the
spear in shock.  The massive weapon tumbled and fell into the red-
orange lake with a splash, filling the air with a thin mist of bloody
mixture, spraying against Eva and Angel alike as Neil continued to rush
forward.  It was not until his hand slammed into the wall that he
stopped, both of his hands now hovering over Kaworu, pinning him hard
against the wall.

A silence filled the room, Kaworu's eyes staring at the purple golem
that loomed above him, the thin and angry line of its inhuman jaws.
"You struck back," Kaworu whispered, closing his eyes gently.  "I
didn't think that you would have it in you, Neil.  I'm impressed."

"Shut up!" screamed Neil, inching the palms of his hands closer to the
boy beneath them, tears streaming down from his eyes and filling the
bloody liquid around him.  The rage hadn't faded completely, but it was
tinged by realization, by the unendurable fact of what he knew he was
about to do.  "You lied to me.  You said that you liked me for who I
was, that you accepted me."

"When did I lie?" replied Kaworu, resting limply between the fingers of
the machine.  There was no fear within his eyes, though whether that
came from acceptance or confidence Neil couldn't puzzle out.  "I never
spoke a false word to you, Neil.  I respect you too much to do that."

Neil couldn't respond immediately, his concentration focused on the act
of not shutting his eyes, of not burying his head between his knees and
wailing to the heavens.  It was the last straw, of that he was
certain.  "Why did you have to do this, then?" he choked, slamming the
handrests forward in frustration.  "We were becoming friends.  We - I -
this wasn't necessary!  You had a life!"

"Yes, I did," replied Kaworu, closing his eyes gently.  "I had this
life from the moment that we met, Neil.  I am that I am.  There was no
choice involved in anything that I did."

"I don't -believe- you!" Neil lied.  "You could have let me alone!  You
could have let me deal with this on my own, not... not -inserted-
yourself like you did!  Didn't you ever think about what it would mean
for me, how much it would hurt when you..."

"Of course I thought about it."  His eyes opened again, and the smile
from the day before crossed his face, an unspeakably loving gaze that
nearly broke Neil's heart simply to look on it.  "I knew that when the
time came, you would do the right thing.  I have faith in you and your
decisions."  He paused.  "It's all right, what you need to do.  I've
known that from the beginning, too."

The boy within the Eva twisted his face into a grimace, leaning forward
as though Kaworu could see him.  "You selfish, impudent, horrible,
lying..."  His voice broke off, and despite himself he pitched forward
in tears, shuddering within his seat, almost waiting for Kaworu to
emerge and destroy him as he knew the Angel should.  "You're no Angel,
damn you.  It's not my fault.  It's yours."

"I forgive you."  Kaworu's voice was still calm.  "With all my heart,
Neil, I forgive your actions.  I don't -"

"This isn't about -you-, damn it!" screamed Neil, inadvertantly pushing
the palms of his Eva ever so slightly forward, watching a grimace of
pain cross the other boy's face.  "You... you were the only person that
ever told me that you liked me!  That you didn't care about anything
else, that you liked who I -was-!"  He sobbed.  "I -hate- myself!
Everyone -else- hates me!  You're the only person that liked me, and
you're... you're..."

"Angry with you?  Perhaps.  But they don't hate you, Neil."  The silver-
haired boy sighed and shifted slightly, as if the whole affair barely
troubled him.  "You know what you're supposed to do now, Neil.  I leave
everything in your capable hands."

Neil waited for a moment, wanting Kaworu to say something more, to
somehow give him an order, to take the responsibility from his hands.
Almost every voice in his head was urging him to let the boy go, that
it didn't matter if Kaworu was an Angel.  "I can pretend that he's not
a monster," he breathed, his hands slowly flexing against the
handrests, lungs sucking in the blood that he knew the LCL to be.  "He
cares about me.  He really believe that I'm a good person.  Even if he
is one of them... maybe he could seem to be right.  Maybe I'm... I'm..."

Pangs of hatred ran across Neil's chest, and he let out a loud wail,
pitching forward in his chair.  He knew that he had no choices, that he
would only be lying to himself if he let things drop.  "He's only
telling me what I know about myself," he whispered.  "A monster would
love me."

With heavy eyes, Neil forced himself to look at Kaworu once more,
trying to see the other boy's delicate features through the blur of
tears.  There was only one right choice, no matter how much it hurt,
and Neil knew that it was the only reason for anyone to love him.  "God
have mercy on my soul."  Closing his eyes, he forced his Eva forward.

Snapping and popping filled the air, a wet squishing noise that sent
revulsion through Neil's body, and he barely choked down a wave of
vomit.  His body pitched forward out of the seat, eyes closed tightly,
arms quickly hugging his knees tight to his chest, teeth biting into
his lower lip as if the pain would release him.  His Eva stood silent
as he sobbed, crying for his own damnation and the loss of Kaworu, and
he wanted nothing more than to let himself dissolve into the blood
around him.

                                  ]++[

Moonlight cast itself across the still waters of the lake, sparkling
pearls of light framing Neil's body as he crouched beside it.  Misato
had to bite her tongue as she walked towards him, wanting to call out
his name, to startle him into doing something, to bring back the boy
that she'd met what seemed like an eternity beforehand.  Instead, she
simply walked to him, her heels scuffing against the grass, her red
jacket a protection from the unexpected chill of the night.

Neil's eyes flicked towards her as she sat down beside him, then
towards the moon, a dead and almost emotionless expression lingering
behind the two green orbs.  "It took you a while," he said calmly.  "I
sort of assumed that you'd come looking for me after I'd come out of
the Eva."

"I did," replied Misato, shifting uncomfortably.  "But I didn't want to
get NERV Intelligence involved... I thought it was too impersonal."
She paused.  "Was I wrong?  Were you -"

"Don't worry about it," he replied, not bothering to look in her
direction.  "You did what you thought best."  He shifted slightly, his
hair catching the moonlight for a second and shimmering bright and
golden.  "That was the last Angel, wasn't it?"

"Seems that way."  She was struggling to remain calm, knowing that she
wanted to take the boy in her arms even though she couldn't be sure of
exactly why.  "NERV's completed its mission.  The Angels are destroyed,
and Third Impact has been averted."  A tenative hand brushed his
shoulder reassuringly.  "We have you to thank for that."

Without words, Neil reached to his shoulder and grasped Misato's hand
tightly, squeezing it as though waiting for reassurance.  She started,
but didn't force him to release her.  "I don't feel as though anyone
should be thanking me," he replied, squeezing the woman's hand
tightly.  "I'm certainly not proud of myself."

There was something in his tone that requested silence, and Misato
obliged, simply edging closer to him as he spoke.  "You know... the
first time I ever got inside that Eva, I thought that I could fix what
was wrong with the world.  I was scared, confused, hurt... but I knew
that I was being given a chance to really do something right.  I was
being trusted as a defender of the human race.  I could -do- something,
could really be -worth- something."

His head fell upon Misato's shoulder, eyes still focused upon the
moon.  "But I was wrong," he whispered.  "In the end, I... I couldn't
change anything.  I couldn't make anything better.  I met one of the
kindest and most lovable souls in the world... and I crushed the life
out of him, to do what was right.  I couldn't save anybody.  Things
happened regardless of what I tried to do."

"You did the right thing," replied Misato as calmly as she could,
wrapping her arm around the boy, wanting to provide something more but
holding back.  "That was noble of you.  It was brave.  It was..."  She
sighed, shaking her head.  "You gave yourself up for something bigger
than anyone."

"It was -stupid-," replied Neil firmly, squirming slightly in Misato's
embrace, his eyes falling shut tightly.  "There wasn't any choice in
that.  There was something that was right and something that I wanted,
and I knew which had to win out in the end.  I'm ashamed that I didn't
want what I -knew- was right in the first place."

Neil's hand brushed against Misato's leg, and a small shiver went along
her body at the touch through her pantyhose.  A slow warmth spready
across her chest and face, and she hugged Neil more tightly, telling
herself that it was because of the unusual chill of the night.  "Don't
blame yourself so easily.  He was your friend."

"Of course.  Monsters befriend monsters."  There wasn't anger in the
boy's tone so much as simply exhaustion, as if he wanted nothing more
than to simply be at peace with his own failures.  "I know I did the
right thing, Misato.  I -understand-.  That's what makes this -hard-."

Her mouth opened, then closed again as she pulled him closer.  "It's
all right," she whispered, gently stroking his hair with her free hand,
letting her eyes watch the slow path of moonlight across the surface of
the water.  "It's all right."

"We'll be sent off, won't we?" asked Neil, struggling away from Misato
gently.  She released him, feeling momentarily ashamed before she even
thought to feel concerned by his tone.  "With the Seventeenth
destroyed... it's back to our old lives, for all of us."

"I suppose so," replied Misato, turning her face away as she felt the
tear beginning to brim behind her eyes.  "Commander Ikari will likely
want to debrief you all first, but I imagine that you'll be sent back
within the week.  You'll be a bit of a celebrity for the rest of your
life, probably - I know what it's like, I could -"

Neil stood mechanically, his body fringed by the silver of the
moonlight.  "I'm going back to Kaworu's apartment for tonight.  I'll
ask the commander if he'll let me return earlier."  He hesitated,
hanging his head, his fists slowly clenching and releasing.  "I think I
would like to go back home.  Back to America."

Misato felt as though she had been stabbed, and a slow tumble of
emotions began to pile within her throat, waiting to be voiced.
Coughing awkwardly, she stumbled to her feet and fixed Neil with her
stare, struggling to find a way to ask him to remain in Japan, to come
short of begging him.  It was impossible, she knew it, but something in
her couldn't bear to say goodbye, not after the one almost-farewell
they had experienced before.  "Neil, I -"

The words caught in her throat, and she simply stared at the boy,
struggling to find something else to say.  "Neil, you shouldn't go to
Kaworu's.  Come - come back with me.  Back to my apartment.  With Nieve
and I."

"I can't," replied Neil, turning his back to the woman, sorrow lacing
his words like a drug.  "It wouldn't be right of me."

Something twitched in Misato's chest, and in half-anger she reached
forward and grabbed the boy roughly by the shoulder, yanking him back
in her direction.  He looked almost as surprised by the action as she
felt, but she didn't let up the intensity.  "There is a girl in that
apartment that is -waiting- for you, Neil.  Nieve has been going out of
her mind with grief since the second that you stepped out the door.
You can't deny her at least one last chance to see you.  I..."  She
stammered, then bit her lower lip for an instant before continuing.  "I
know what she's feeling right now.  You -owe- this to her."

"Don't you think I know that?" asked Neil, closing his eyes, obviously
struggling to keep tears restrained and failing.  "I know full well
that she misses me, but... but... she deserves better than me."

The boy pulled away, and Misato suddenly felt as though the light of
the moon was that at the top of grave, watching her descend into the
hateful soil.  She could see the boy's form retreating away from her,
shrouded in darkness, his shape losing distinction more and more with
each passing moment.  "She doesn't -want- better than you!" she shouted
at length, the only thought that she could grab on to, a weak argument
that she regretted almost before it had left her lips.

Neil stopped.  His shirt blew lightly in the wind, mirrored by the fine
strands of his hair, all moving in a sort of intricate dance around the
boy's body.  Then, slowly, he turned back towards Misato, his eyes
heavy, cast towards his feet as they shuffled in Misato's direction.

"I still don't think I should," he whispered, not daring to glance at
the woman's brown eyes.  Misato barely heard his words, a deep
thankfulness spreading through her body.  Part of her believed that
things would finally be correcting themselves, that at last she could
set right at least some of the wrongs around her.

                                  ]++[

Everything was just as he remembered it - the pale yellow walls, the
way that the light reflected off of the white countertops as if it were
springing to freedom, the surprisingly comfortable hard wood of the
floors.  It was at once pleasing and frightening, and Neil had a
distant urge to turn and run away even as he slipped off his shoes and
left them lying in the small lowered area.  "Just like the first day,"
he whispered, slowly moving towards the living room, hearing the sounds
of the television.  "Except harder."

Nieve lay slumped on the couch, and Neil found himself freezing in
place, stunned by the simple casual beauty that she seemed to be
radiating almost by accident.  Her flamingly red hair lay coiled
against the back of her head in a bun, only a few strands falling loose
and touching the surface of a shirt he knew to be his own.  It was the
blue shirt he had worn on his first day in Tokyo-3, obviously too big
for the girl and trailing down around the short green skirt that hugged
against her legs.  It was perfect, sterling, the exact beautiful girl
that he'd seen in his mind since the instant he left.

"You're home late," Nieve said as calmly as possible, and Neil started
before he realized that she didn't know it was him and not Misato.  "I
just got the call from Central Dogma about the Seventeenth's
destruction."  She chuckled bitterly, leaning her head forward.  "Neil
was the first and the last, ironically enough.  Sort of makes me wonder
what I was doing here."

The boy's throat closed tightly, choking off speech for a moment as he
watched the way her body moved.  He couldn't do it, couldn't risk the
thought of her rejecting him again.  It was a certainty, and as he
stared he knew that his situation was no different now than it had been
with Kaworu.  "You were giving me the time of my life," he whispered,
unsure of why the words had passed his lips.

A gasp came from Nieve's throat, and she slowly turned towards the
hallway, letting her brilliant green eyes fall on him, cloaked with
surprise and bewilderment.  "Hey," he offered weakly, taking a cautious
step forward, waiting for the girl to scream at him.

Nieve stared for a moment, then slowly reached towards the bun at the
back of her head, making a few quick flicks of her wrists and letting
the hair fall loose once more.  She stood from the couch, swaying like
a willow as she stepped towards Neil, eyes frightened and determined.
"Hey," she echoed.  "You... haven't been around for a while."

Words began spilling from Neil's brain half-formed, and he opened his
mouth to explain.  He wanted to tell the girl that he was wrong, that
she should forget about him forever, that they would be leaving anyways
and that anything would just be momentary.  He wanted to tell her
everything he had seen inside of EVA-01, all of the things he had
faced, all of the reasons why she would have been right to despise him.

Before he had a chance to begin explaining anything, Nieve's arms had
flung themselves around him tightly, pulling their bodies tightly
together as tears trickled slowly from her eyes.  "Please don't leave,"
she whispered.  "Please.  Never again."

The thought that it was something that had happened before had barely
even occurred to him, and it sent a new pang of guilt through his
body.  But he ignored it, and with gentle hands he reached up and
embraced the girl himself, feeling the softness of her skin and the
warmth of her body.  "I won't," he whispered, resting his chin against
her hair.  "I'm sorry."

Misato's entry and almost immediate departure went unnoticed by both
Children save for distant knowledge, filed in the back of their brains
for later recognition.  Only their bodies existed for a few moments,
and the world around them bled into nothingness, a mass of pale yellow
and brown wood that could as well have been a sea of LCL.  It was
everything that Neil had missed, and as he held her he could feel
himself even beginning to forgive himself, too happy just to be holding
his beloved once again.

The embrace ended at length, Nieve's arms letting both boy and girl
step apart what seemed to be a fraction of an inch too far.  Neil could
see that there were fears lingering in her eyes, questions that she
didn't dare to ask, as if she would sacrifice her strength for his
presence.  "You knew Kaworu," she whispered at length, sounding afraid
of the name itself.  "Are you... all right?"

"Of course not," replied Neil, stepping forward and embracing her once
again, this time more tightly.  "Please, Nieve, just... just hold me.
I need to feel like I can do something right."

He hated himself for what he had done to the girl that wrapped her arms
around him, and he hated himself for having destroyed the final Angel.
It was almost tempting to blame Kaworu for the situation, but he
couldn't find the anger there, only guilt and remorse.  Choking down a
sob, he held Nieve more tightly, feeling her tension melt away, taking
some small solace in the fact that she, at least, was serene.

                                  ]++[

Outro: Neon Epoch Evangelion is based off of -Shin Seiki Evangelion- by
GAINAX and company.  It is not intended to be a straightforward fanfic,
but it is building off the work of others, and as such it is done with
the utmost respect for the original works and their authors.
Basically, even though this is an original work, it's based off the
work of others, and if you read this, you should go to see the original.

Special thanks to all of the real Children - you know who you are.

Extra special thanks to Joe Augulis for his consultation on the
Japanese portions of the story.  He might not know much Japanese, but
that's more than I know.

Copyright 2002 Eliot Lefebvre.

NEXT EPISODE:
             The final foe is yet unfaced.
             The final struggle is yet unwon.
             The final cruelty is still to come.
NEON EPOCH EVANGELION 26: CRUEL THESIS
"We will be forced to save this world through our own means."

                                  ]++[

We only have a little time in our lives to waste.  Make the most of it.
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