From: "Rakna" The One I Love Is... Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread Written by Alain Gravel Assisted by Sparky Clarkson Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/ (number) See the author's notes for details ======================================================================= Chapter 11 - Where Angels Fear to Tread Peaceful. Some people would use that word to describe what already had come to be known as the "Tokyo-3 Lake". As the day ended, it could also have been called beautiful, illuminated as it was by the dying rays of the sun. But those words did not come to my mind as I stood on the shore and stared at the placid lake. Deserted. Deserted and lonely. Alone. I was alone. Like before I came to NERV. But it wasn't the same. Because now, I couldn't stand loneliness. I didn't want to be alone anymore. Not now that I knew what it was like to really be alive. But I didn't have a choice. Kensuke, Hikari and Hotaru had left, driven off by the explosive destruction of Tokyo-3. While I didn't know Hikari and Hotaru as well as Kensuke, their company would have been comforting. But they were gone. At least Hikari could join Touji in Tokyo-2; I knew they missed each other. And Hotaru wouldn't have to see what had happened to Rei... No, not Rei. Ayanami. Rei was gone now. As I looked at the silver cross I held in my right hand, I tried to suppress the tears that threatened to overcome me. And now Asuka had left me as well. In the end, I had stood my ground and she had been the one to run away. Again, I had been rejected and left behind. I wish I had shown her more attention, but Rei's death had hurt so much... at the time, it seemed like the only thing I could think about. Maybe... no. It was too late now. She was gone, leaving only a note. A note! Why did she write those words instead of saying them? I could have told her I never wanted her to leave! A tear trickled down my cheek as I clutched in my left hand the red neural interface nodes Asuka had always worn so proudly. It was all I had left of her... pieces of junk. Misato was still here, but she was merely a ghost, disappearing as quickly as she appeared. The revelations of the day before had only been appetizers for her. She had abandoned me and buried herself in the Geofront, consumed by her desire to unlock the secret of the organization that had destroyed Kaji; that had destroyed all of us. I couldn't even see Pen-Pen, now that Misato had sent him to Hikari's family, for his own safety. I couldn't blame her, but... I could have used the company. Then again, he'd taken Rei's death as badly as I had. Maybe Hikari, with her bright attitude, could cheer him up. 'Cheer up.' How ironic that I would think of those words. Rei and Asuka had wanted me to be happy today. I should have been happy today. I remembered Asuka's words, a few days after I had been released from Unit-01. 'You'll see, Shinji! This year, you'll have the best birthday ever! Rei and I'll see to that!' Ironic, indeed. And they had asked why I hated that day... I hated it because it always showed me how lonely I was. But this time, it was worse. In the past, I had been alone, but I didn't care. Now, I was alone and I hated it. I was scared too. I didn't know how I would manage to make it to the next day. What purpose did I have? I had lost what had been most important in my life... I could only hope that Asuka would come back or that Ritsuko had been wrong and that something of Rei still existed within Ayanami. 'Don't worry. I'll never bother you again. Ever.' No. Asuka had no intention of coming back. And I doubted that the Commander would invest any efforts into finding her. She couldn't pilot EVA anymore and with Unit-00 gone, Ayanami could likely take over the piloting of Unit-02... that is if the compatibility test succeeded. But then again... she was no longer expendable. Still, there was only one Angel left, so maybe Unit-02 wasn't useful anymore either... 'If she had kept her memories of you, she couldn't have been used for whatever plan Ikari has for her. So the Commander asked me to take care of this little detail. I'm sorry Shinji.' The current Ayanami... didn't remember me. To her, I was just the Third Children. All that I had experienced with Rei, those past months, the feelings we had shared... they were all gone. As if they had never existed. It was as if I had gone back in time. A few hours earlier, I had visited her in her old apartment, which, as incredible as it may seem, had survived the explosion of Unit-00. I found her sitting on her bed, looking through a window, bloodied bandages on the bed and floor. As she heard me, she turned toward me and looked at me with lifeless red eyes. She didn't say anything and neither did I as I left, unable to face her for another second. I didn't want to see her, that doll, a doll wearing the face of a girl I once loved. There was nothing for me to hope for anymore. 'It's true that for now, the only thing we can do is pilot EVA... but, well... as long as we stay alive... someday, we'll be glad that we survived.' Words I had said to Rei, after she nearly got killed in our first mission together (1). Were those words lies? No. I had to believe that there could be something more than hopelessness. 'I have nothing else.' Rei had been wrong. Because had she lived, she had been able to experience joy and happiness, even if only briefly. I would defeat the Seventeenth Angel, and keep on living. This resolution didn't lessen the pain I felt however... Because now, I had nothing. My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of someone humming a song I recognized fairly easily: Beethoven's "Ode to Joy". I looked to my left to see a girl sitting on a rock in the lake, a few meters away from the shore. A very familiar gray-haired girl. She still wore the same white sundress and her hair moved with the wind. It didn't occur to me right away that this girl had not been there a few minutes before. "You!" She didn't seem to have heard me, or maybe she was just ignoring me, as she kept humming for a whole minute before turning to me. I almost regretted as she did turn, for her red eyes reminding me of my loss. "Do you not think that music is one of the Lilims' greatest creations, Ikari Shinji-kun? Can you not feel all the emotions it can fill one's heart with? Do you not think this world would be a nicer place to live in, if we had more musicians to comfort the heart and soul?" I blinked at those words. What a strange girl... "Who are you? How do you know my name?" She smiled at me. A warm, friendly, innocent smile. "You really underestimate your importance and position. It is natural that I should know you, as I am just like you, one of the chosen ones. I am the Fifth." WHAT?! "The... the Fifth... Children? You're... you're a pilot?" I couldn't believe it. Another one... another one that would be sacrificed to EVA... This had to be a nightmare. "Yes. I have been chosen to replace the Second." The Second. Asuka. Replace her? So fast? She hadn't even been gone for twenty-four hours! How could they replace her so fast? Did this girl know something I didn't? I was about to ask, when it occurred to me that Asuka had really stopped being a reliable pilot ever since the attack of the Fifteenth Angel. Plenty of time for the Commander to arrange a replacement. If this girl, however, was a candidate... "Why haven't you shown up before?" "There was no need for an extra pilot." The girl looked away, gazing at the lake. "You would have preferred that I had got hurt instead of your friends, do you not?" I gasped at those words... because I knew it was true. I wished this strange girl had been chosen to pilot Unit-03 instead of Touji. I wished she had been the one the Fifteenth had mind-raped. I wished she was the one who had died instead of Rei. I felt terribly guilty and selfish for thinking that way. And I lowered my head in shame. "I... I... yes." The reaction of the girl was not one I would have anticipated. She chuckled. She then stepped down from the stone she was sitting on. She didn't seem to care at all that she was standing in the lake, water up to her waist. She just walked towards me, a happy smile on her face. As she approached the end of the lake, I noticed that the lower half of her dress had become semi-translucent, from the water and the way it stuck to her skin. I looked away as I suddenly realized that she didn't seem to be wearing anything beneath her dress. I became very nervous and self-conscious as she walked right next to me. I was frozen in place as she neared, only to jump slightly as she leaned her head in, only inches from mine. "You should blush more often. It looks better on you than a gloomy expression. A smile would be even better." she whispered, before walking away. I remained in place, unsure of how to respond to that. "There are harmonics and synchronization tests scheduled for tomorrow morning. We will meet again then." This snapped me back to reality. Tests? I didn't know that there would be tests. But then again, someone might have told me and I might not have paid attention... "Err... yeah... sure... em... Nagisa, right?" "Yes, my name is Nagisa Kaoru. But you may call me Kaoru, Ikari- kun." Kaoru... a pilot like me. Fated to a life of misery, surely... "I'd rather not, Nagisa." "I see..." For a moment, there seemed to be sadness on the girl's face, but it was quickly replaced by a happy smile. "Tomorrow morning, then." Probably expecting that I wouldn't answer back, the girl walked away. Nagisa Kaoru. The Fifth Children. Was it why she always seemed to be around ever since the Thirteenth Angel? Had she been watching me? What was this girl's purpose? And why did she seem so similar to Rei, yet so different? * * * I gave a detached look at my alarm clock as it indicated it was time to wake up. Not that it was of much use, as I didn't sleep at all; my mind refusing to shut down since my last visit to Terminal Dogma. It was amazing I had heard it, as the sound of Beethoven's music was filling my ears. I had listened to it ever since I had came back to the apartment, after my encounter with the Fifth Children. I had felt the need of something to drive away my thoughts, so I naturally went for my SDAT. I found myself, however, not really interested by my usual SDAT tape, so I listened to Beethoven all night instead. Was it because I had heard the Fifth humming one of the great composer's pieces? The Fifth. I would see her again today. As well as the First... I really would have liked to avoid it. Slowly, I got up. I didn't feel like bathing or eating, or changing clothes, so I headed directly toward NERV. * * * "Shinji-kun! Try to concentrate! Your ratio is getting lower and lower!" I sighed as I made some efforts to concentrate. Poor Lieutenant Ibuki seemed to be uncomfortable in her new position. I guess it was natural. Taking over the work of Dr. Akagi was probably hard on her. Dr. Akagi. I wondered what had happened to her. Did the Commander dispose of her now that he no longer had a use for her? "My synch ratio will be fine when needed," I replied flatly, after I gave up on trying to improve my synch ratio. When the time would come, I would defeat the Seventeenth Angel. I was determined to do so. But this was only a test and I couldn't help but to let my thoughts wander. Was Ayanami able to synch as well as Rei did? Ayanami... Was there really nothing left of Rei in her? I had to find out. * * * "Rei." I knew that my chances were slim, but I had to try. So I had stayed there, and leaned against a wall, still wearing my plugsuit as I waited for her to get out of the girls' locker room. Her hair was still damp from the necessary quick shower to rinse the LCL off her body. I could have found the sight pretty, if it hadn't been from the emotionless look in her eyes. I hated that look. "Pilot Ikari." I cringed at the words. She stood still for a few seconds, looking at me with cold red eyes. I didn't move myself, as I felt my resolve leaving me, as I realized it seemed so futile. I only moved as she seemed to lose interest in me and started to walk away. I grabbed one of her shoulders. Her head turned toward mine, her gaze boring into me. "Have you really forgotten me, Rei? Is this all I am to you? The Third Children, Pilot Ikari?" For half a minute, Rei stood as immobile as a statue, staring at me. That cold, lifeless gaze left my stomach in turmoil. I thought that she would just ignore me again and walk away when she answered. "I have no memories of you. Should I have?" She might as well have punched me in the stomach. I had expected that answer, but could not tone down that small flicker of hope that still resided within myself. It had given me the strength to come this far, to ask that question. But now it was gone, leaving only room for desperation. "Please, Rei," I pleaded, "Can't you remember anything? The missions we did together, the times we saved each other's lives? When we lived together? Can't you remember when we made love?" For a fraction of a second, I thought I saw some life in her eyes, but it was gone so fast that I might have imagined it. I then heard the whispers behind us and realized some NERV personnel were staring at us. One could see the morbid curiosity in their eyes, the hunger for human misery. Desperation gave way to anger as I gave them a look that could have killed. "Don't you have something better to do than stare at us!? Dummkopf!" (2) When you live with someone, it's not entirely surprising that sometimes, you can pick up some of that person's habits. I only realized a few days later how much I must have sounded and looked like Asuka that time. My anger having died down a little, I turned my attention back to Rei. "Don't tell me you don't remember any of this! Don't tell me that you forgot all that we shared! It's not possible! You must remember something!" The blue-haired girl just... stared at me. "No. I do not." I almost crumbled. I only managed to keep standing through sheer will. I didn't want to break down because of that... girl. Was this how Asuka almost always managed to look so strong? Just because she didn't want to look weak? "I see. Then Rei is truly dead." Unable to look at that familiar face anymore, I let go of her shoulder and made my way to the boys' locker room. Despite all that, a small part of me was fighting to keep hope. It was trying to convince me to give this girl a chance, to try to know her, to try to open up to her and hope that she would do the same. It was hoping that this girl might eventually fall in love with me, like Rei did. But this girl was not Rei. What had made Rei unique, all her experiences, our experiences, it had been stripped away. It would not be the same. Whatever spark that had caused Rei to open up to me was probably forever lost. Sometimes, it's just better to let go... "Ikari..." I suddenly turned around, hope flaring despite my common sense telling me to forget about her. Those hopes were indeed quickly crushed as I saw the empty expression on her face. "... I am sorry." Words... that felt empty. Not Rei. This was not Rei. "Are you really? Do you really know the meaning of those words? I think not." Slight surprise appeared on the girl's face, but I didn't pay attention this time. Everything was over. Time to move ahead. If there was something ahead to move to. * * * I lay in the hot bath, trying to forget what had just happened. A shower had not felt good enough, so I decided to take a bath here, in NERV, before going back to the apartment. I didn't feel much like going back there. Misato had once told me that having someone to come home to was a special thing. I had no one to go home to now. "Ikari-kun? I did not expect to meet you here." I almost jumped up at the sound of the voice. I twisted my head to see Nagisa, right behind me, naked from head to toe, a warm smile on her face. I felt a mix of emotions I had not felt in a while: fear, surprise, confusion, and a surge of male hormones, which lead to my blood pressure rising in different places, as well as embarrassment as I noticed where she was staring. I guess it was fair, however, as I took a good look at her myself. I noted that her breasts were smaller than Asuka's, but bigger than Rei's. And that gray was her natural hair color. "What... what are you doing here?!" I asked, blushing like a tomato as I used my hands to cover a part of my anatomy that had a mind of its own. "This is the men's bath!" "Oh? Is it? I did not know." She stood there, a confused look on her face. I tried to look away, but found myself stealing glances at her every few seconds or so. "We seem to be alone. Would you mind if I stayed?" "What?! I... I... you..." Since I just found myself mumbling, the girl simply took her place in the bath to my left. She made no effort whatsoever to cover herself. Some part of me noted that Rei would have acted exactly this way. "Were you and the First really lovers?" I cringed inwardly. Never underestimate the power of the NERV grapevine. And since there was no point in trying to lie... "Yes... we were." "So you are not lovers anymore?" "No." "Why?" Why did she have to ask about that? I didn't want to think about it. Especially after what had just happened. "Things... changed." "And losing that relationship hurt you?" "Yes..." "Is that why you want to avoid contact with me?" I stayed silent. I didn't want to talk. I should probably have left, but I didn't feel like leaving either. "You think that if you never get to know others, you will never feel betrayed like you did before. If they get killed or leave, you won't feel pain." I was surprised to see how true those words were. "Yes." "So you plan to live alone for the rest of your life, always driving others away?" I... I didn't know. I didn't know anymore what I wanted out of this life. Had I ever known? If I had, I might have made a choice... "Maybe." "But then, you will never escape the feelings of sadness and loneliness that fill your heart." Sadness and loneliness... The lights suddenly went off. Bathing time over. I blinked, surprised. Had I stayed here that long? I almost felt my heart jump out of my chest as I felt a hand on mine. She was looking at me, as if her eyes wanted to see through my soul. I pulled my hand away and looked elsewhere. "It's... it's time to go." "Oh? Is it over?" "Yes." Slowly, the girl got up. I blushed as I got another close-up view of her naked body. She looked at me again, still smiling. "Where will you go?" "Home. I have nowhere else left to go." No way to delay it any further. "I have heard that you play the cello. May I accompany you? I would like to hear you play. I heard that you are very talented." I looked at that warm smile. Loneliness... I didn't want to be lonely anymore... but I didn't want to be hurt again... "No. Just leave me alone..." The girl left without a word, disappointment clearly showing on her face. It was a clear contrast to her usual cheerful smile. Some part of me felt bad about that. But I tried to ignore it. I would not be hurt again... * * * "Very good Shinji! Your synch ratio is twenty points higher than last time! Good job!" In a past that felt almost a thousand years ago, I would have felt happy hearing that. But this time, I barely noticed. I didn't care. Two days had gone by and I had found myself thinking less and less about Rei and Asuka. It still hurt, I still missed them and I still couldn't stay in Ayanami's presence for long, but the feelings were not as oppressive. Maybe it was true that time could heal wounds. But part of me was scared about that idea. It didn't seem right to simply forget them and... go on. There was nothing that could be done for Rei. But Asuka was still alive, somewhere, out there. The test went by quickly. I wished it would have taken more time. The entry plug was a place outside of this world, where I could forget everything else. It felt... comforting. The entry plug opened, I stayed there a full minute. I didn't want this relaxing feeling to go just yet. When I opened my eyes, I saw Kaoru offering a black gloved hand, to help me out of the plug. After a moment of hesitation, I grabbed her hand. "You look different when you are sitting inside this entry plug. You seem... at peace." "I guess I am..." The girl smiled. As I looked at her, I noted how her black and blue plugsuit contrasted with her pale skin and gray hair. I also noted, with a hint of nostalgia, how the plugsuit seemed modeled after Asuka's. It was the female production standard suit, I guessed. (3) Somehow, I wished Asuka's suit had been an unique model. It just didn't feel appropriate to see someone else in a similar suit. "Once you are changed, will you go home, or will you eat lunch at the cafeteria?" No doubt, if I ate here, she would probably come along. But if I ate at home, it would take some time to go to the apartment and then prepare lunch. I would lose a lot of time, and I didn't feel like cooking anyway. Cafeteria food would probably end up better than instant. And after having lived with Misato for months, one could eat almost anything. "The cafeteria." While she didn't say a thing, I could feel the girl was excited by this bit of news. Her smile widened ever so slightly. There was a sparkle of life in her eyes. I sighed. "Feel free to accompany me." This said, I left for the locker room. I didn't want to look at her happy face. If I did, it might make me actually feel good myself... * * * I stayed in the shower for a long time, feeling the relaxing effect of the warm water on my skin. I would have preferred a bath, but I didn't want to risk another naked encounter with Kaoru. Kaoru... I wondered what was going on in that girl's head. No matter how much I tried to push her away, she just kept coming back. I couldn't understand that girl. In only a few days, everyone seemed to have developed a liking for her. I had heard that since her first day in headquarters, she had brought home cooked breakfasts to the bridge crew. Rumor was spreading among the technical crew that worked in maintaining the EVAs that she made the best coffee around. I even heard that she had volunteered once to help out in the now undermanned infirmary. Everyone seemed to fall under her charm. Maybe it was because of those bright eyes and peaceful smile of hers. Each time I would see her, she always looked happy and cheerful. Except that time in the bath... I shook my head. I shouldn't feel guilty over that. I had told her I didn't want us to be friends. In fact, I was sure that she understood my position and feelings very well. But that didn't stop her from trying. I signed. Just one more Angel and we could part ways and she wouldn't risk being hurt by me ever again. Or was it the opposite? I turned off the water faucet and walked out of the shower. I took a towel and dried myself. I raised my hand to my nose and took a sniff. No matter how long the bath or shower, there was still that residual trace of LCL smell, very subtle, but still detectable. I hated that. "Here you are. I was wondering what was taking you so long." I jumped. I had been so caught on my thoughts that I never noticed that I wasn't alone, as I should have been. Hastily, I finished putting on my underwear, embarrassed that my fellow pilot had now clearly seen me naked. "Nagisa! Don't you know that some people here like to have their privacy?!" She just stared at me, a puzzled look on her face, as she sat on the bench just in front of the lockers, right beside where I had put most of my clothes. "Why are you embarrassed?" "Well... you... saw me... naked..." I blushed fiercely. Part of my mind did rationalize that it seemed to be natural around here. After all, Misato had seen me naked the first day we started to live together, no thanks to Penpen, and Rei as well as Asuka had seen me naked also. "You should not be embarrassed. The corporeal body is only a shell that holds the human soul. A person's beauty should not be judged by how that person looks on the outside, but by his heart and soul. I think you are very beautiful." I blushed at the comment. It was really the first time someone had said something like this. I wondered about her words. Asuka and Rei were very beautiful girls. But that wasn't what had drawn me to them. I guess.... she had spoken the truth. Still... I froze when I noticed she had picked up something off the bench, curiosity on her face. "DON'T TOUCH THAT!" This surprised the girl, making her drop the silver chain and cross. I gave her an angry look before picking it up. Rei... I put the chain on then hurried to get dressed, before walking away, ignoring the stunned girl and leaving her behind. * * * Another empty apartment. I tried not to feel too disappointed, but I couldn't help it. It was a wonder I hadn't stopped yet. Still, ever since I had realized that Rei was gone for good, I had kept visiting empty apartments one after another. While the explosion of Unit-00 had destroyed most of Tokyo-3, a good number of buildings had only been damaged in the blast. However, they had been condemned, as some were in precarious shape. This apartment complex was one of those buildings. Technically, we were prohibited from going inside those buildings, but there were no security forces to prevent anyone to do so. NERV didn't have the resources. And apparently, no one really cared much as none of the security officers watching over me from the shadows made a move to stop me. If they were unsafe, these buildings could also make excellent places for someone to hide. Someone who wanted to run away from this life. Someone like Asuka. It had been confirmed that Asuka hadn't taken a train to leave the city. So only two options remained. Either she had left by foot, but in this case she would have been located easily, or she had never left at all and simply hid somewhere, most likely in one of those abandoned buildings. And while a good portion of Tokyo-3 had been destroyed, there were still enough of those damaged buildings standing for people to search for her for weeks and never find her if she didn't want to be found. This evaluation of the situation was rather grim, but I refused to just give up. That small hope was all I had left. And if I didn't find her for my sake, I needed to at least find her for hers. Who could tell if what was left of Tokyo-3 wouldn't be destroyed in the next Angel attack? I moved on to the next apartment. The door was already opened, which could be a good sign. An open door meant it would have been easy for Asuka to go in and choose this place to hide. I knew from recent experience that breaking through a locked door wasn't simple. My hopes plummeted when I noticed the state of the apartment. It had suffered heavily from the explosion. One wall, as well as part of the ceiling, was missing. There was debris all over the floor. Looking around, I noticed that the contents of the fridge seemed mostly rotten. The water didn't work anymore. The water that filled the bathroom's bathtub probably came from the last rain. I doubted that Asuka would have chosen this place to live in. "You are looking for the Second Children, aren't you?" My heart skipped a beat, not expecting to hear this voice here. I turned around to see Nagisa in what had probably been this place's living room. She raised a hand that held a brown paper bag. "A meal for you. I figured you would be hungry, since I did not find you at the cafeteria." I suddenly remembered that I had said I would accompany her there... that is, before she touched Rei's cross... "It is not home cooked. I did not have the time. I am sorry." I looked at the girl again. She seemed very serious. In fact... she looked a lot like Ayanami usually did. I couldn't help but worry a bit. "I give you my apologies. I did not know about the cross. I just... wanted to take a better look at it." I remembered the way I had yelled at her. I... I probably overreacted. "Thank you. For the meal." I didn't want to apologize. After all, she had touched my things without permission... My things... since when did I consider the cross mine? Obviously, Rei had intended it to be mine, but... it just didn't feel right. I didn't apologize. But that didn't mean I had to stay angry with her. Her eyes seemed to light up as she noticed my change of expression, as I relaxed and stopped looking at her with a frown on my face. "My pleasure," she replied, her usual smile back on her face. The situation still felt awkward however. With this girl, I was never sure how to act and I sure didn't know what to say. So I took the bag she was handing me, walked toward what was left of the kitchen and swept the debris lying on a table as well as two wooden chairs. In silence, I invited her to join me. The meal she had given me was simple, a single pork sandwich and a bottle of orange juice, but the way my stomach suddenly made itself heard, it was welcome. I hadn't realized I was this hungry. I took a bite, finding the sandwich far tastier than I usually would have, when she spoke again. "Do you really think you will find her?" I took the time to chew before answering. Fact was... I kept asking myself the same question. "I don't know. If she doesn't want to be found, I doubt I will." "So you hope that she will see you and will come back." The girl was either very good at reading people, or else my hopes were painfully obvious. "Yes." She frowned, obviously in thought. "You contradict yourself. You wish to escape pain by avoiding contact with others, yet you wish to find the one responsible for the pain that is tearing you apart." "It's not only Asuka's fault..." No, it wasn't only Asuka. So many things... the Angels... Father... me... "Yet she hurt you." "Yes." "And you wish to see her again?" "Yes." "Even if it means being hurt again?" I didn't know what to think. She was right, I knew it. I had decided to avoid this girl because I wanted to avoid being hurt by another friendship that would inevitably bring pain. Yet, I had tried to find out if Ayanami remembered me. And here I was, looking for Asuka. "... yes." "Then, why won't you open yourself to others?" "I... I don't know..." A heavy silence followed. She didn't say more, as it wasn't necessary. I could guess her silent question. If in truth you don't mind being hurt again by these girls, why do you keep pushing me away? Maybe because... I loved them, I realized. Was this what love was about? Enduring pain, for the sake of those we loved, to be with those we loved? Rei killed herself, because she loved me. Did Asuka run away because she believed I would be happier without her? If so, wasn't she hurting herself as much as she was, without knowing, hurting me? If so... maybe love was more of a curse than a blessing... As I thought about the relations I once had with two very important girls, I wondered about something... "Nagisa, you're... you're always nice to me. Why? Why do you keep trying to be my friend?" "Making people smile brings me happiness. But it saddens me to see such a pure heart being so heavy with sorrow, guilt and despair. I want to learn more about you, so I can understand your pain, and make you smile again." "You... want to see me smile?" This moment... if felt so familiar... 'I am sorry. I do not know what to feel at times like this...' 'I think... you should smile...' Had I become... like Rei had been? When was the last time I had actually smiled? "Yes." "Why? Why me? There are a lot of people who are unhappy? Why choose me over them? Why not Misato? Or better yet, that man who used to be my father?" Unconsciously, I shuddered at the thought of seeing the Commander smile. But in a way... it was also an appealing image. I sighed. I couldn't believe I still had some hopes for him. Didn't I ever learn? "Because you are worthy of love." I gave her a puzzled look. What did she mean by that? She seemed to have read my mind as she answered the unspoken question "I mean, I love you." I froze. This girl... just had said she loved me. I felt myself panicking. Not a third time... I wondered if running away could get me out of this... "No..." I suddenly stiffened when I felt her hands touching mine. My first instinct was to pull them away, but the touch was warm... "This is what you want, isn't it? You only want to be loved." It was true, wasn't it? Ever since I had left my old life, safe from the outside world, I had craved for acceptance. Father. Misato. My friends. Rei. Asuka. And love was even more than acceptance... "Yes." "But you do not think you are worthy of love." "All those I loved were hurt..." "A single man cannot control the destiny of others." I knew it made sense, but... "I came here hoping to find a father who had abandoned me. I only found a heartless man. Then, I made friends and met two wonderful girls. I nearly killed my best friend. One girl I loved forgot all about me. The other ran away. I also met a man that I admired, that was like the father I wished I had. He died. Isn't it natural to fear that if I make new friends I'll end up being hurt again? I don't want to be hurt again..." "This is not what you said earlier. You did not mind if the Second Children were to hurt you again. I ask you, what do you fear the most? Pain or loneliness?" Such a question... I realized I didn't know the answer. I finally moved my hands and looked elsewhere. I couldn't stare at her any longer. I was getting more and more confused. "It's getting late. It would be dangerous to keep searching in the dark. We should go back to our homes." I'm not sure what exactly came over me. Maybe it was the clear disappointment in her voice. But I suddenly felt like taking a risk. I had to do it. "Would you still like to hear me play... Kaoru?" "I would like it very much... Shinji-kun." She smiled. I smiled back. I had forgotten how it felt. It was a warm feeling. So we left and made our way toward my apartment. * * * I tried not to look disappointed when I looked at Kaoru. She was sitting on her knees, straight, but eyes closed. My guess was that she had fallen asleep. Her face was an almost expression of calm and serenity, only perturbed by a small yet blissful smile. She didn't seem to have a care in the world. It just seemed impossible to me that someone in this world could look this happy. As I finished my performance, her eyes opened, showing that she had in fact been quite awake. "You music was excellent and delightful. Thank you, Shinji-kun. I have enjoyed every moment of it." She emphasized her words by actually clapping her hands slightly. I blushed in embarrassment. I wasn't used to receiving praise about my music. I knew that Asuka and Rei had seemed to like it that time I played for both of them, but we never really discussed it. While I knew I lacked practice and that my playing was far from perfect, I feared hearing negative comments. "You should not keep this talent only to yourself. You should play for the world to hear you." My blush increased. "Kaoru... I... I'm not that good..." "You are. You just lack confidence." I gasped at those words... knowing deep down that they were true. "And next time, you should play a more cheerful tune. It might ease the pain in your heart." "Thank you... Kaoru." She shook her head. "No. Thank *you*, Shinji-kun. It has been a real pleasure to hear you play. I greatly appreciate your inviting me in your home and opening yourself to me." "Well... err..." I didn't really know what to say. Was that really what I was doing? Opening up to her? The next moments felt really awkward, as I suddenly didn't know what to say or do. "It is getting late. Maybe I should go back to my apartment." Obviously, the girl had noticed that I still didn't feel at ease in her presence. "It might be a good idea..." Very inconveniently, as Kaoru prepared to go, the sound of thunder made itself heard outside. As I looked toward the balcony, I realized it was raining really heavily. I looked at Kaoru. She only wore her white sundress and a pair of light summer shoes. With the destruction of most Tokyo-3, there were no taxis left in town. If she went out in such a weather, she would get drenched and probably get sick. I sighed, as I realized I couldn't, in any good conscience, let her go. "I guess... you could sleep here." I thought a bit and reluctantly, I added, "Asuka's room is free... you can sleep in her bed... as long as you don't touch anything in her room." The girl nodded. "You are keeping it as it was in case she comes back, are you not?" This time, I nodded. "It is a bit early to sleep yet. Perhaps you could use this time to tell me about you and the other Children... if it is not too painful..." "No, it's okay." Strangely, it was. It felt really good to be able to talk to someone about the girls and how I felt. I told her all about Rei and Asuka, how I met them, how our relations came to be more then simple co-workers and friends. She asked a lot of questions about our relationship. She even asked if I've had sex with them, which I answered with a blush. I quickly tried to change the subject. "Why did you come to NERV? I mean... you knew what happened to the others pilots..." "It was my purpose." "Your purpose?" "Yes. I came here because there is something here I must do. A need that needs to be filled, that I cannot resist, otherwise it may eventually consume me." "Oh..." So that's why she accepted to pilot EVA? It was rather vague. And, I didn't know why, it sounded disturbing. "Why do you pilot, Ikari-kun?" I winced at the question. I had heard it before, and had never been able to give a straight answer, because my reason kept changing all the time. Finally, I just sighed and just did what seemed to work before: tell how I felt about it. "I... I'm not really sure anymore. The first time I piloted was to save Rei's life. Then, I piloted because I was told so. I also sought to gain the respect of my father, to let him know that I existed. I never found what I was looking for. Later, I realized that I should pilot to protect those I loved. But in the end, I lost them anyway. Now... I guess I only seek closure. One more Angel, one last time." Kaoru's eyes narrowed, a serious expression was set on her face. "I see. And what will you do once this last Angel is defeated?" "If I'm still alive... I guess I'll try to find another reason to live..." We both suddenly because silent. It was slightly perturbing seeing Kaoru not smiling... "What does the cross you wear means to you?" I pulled the silver cross from under the clothes that covered it and stared at it. "The cross was Rei's. She left it for me, before the Sixteenth Angel battle. I guess she wanted me to have it. So I wear it." We kept talking for a while. I then spoke of my mother and father. I also spoke of Misato and Kaji. While we talked, I later learned that Kaoru never knew any parents. At the time, I guessed that they must have either abandoned her or must have died because of the Second Impact. It was a subject she seemed uneasy about, she took her time to carefully chose her words, so I decided not to push too much. Besides, it was getting late. We had been talking for two hours now and we both decided it was late enough to go to sleep. I showed her the way to Asuka's room, then went to mine. Once I closed the door, I let out a long sigh and let myself fall on the bed. I rolled on my back and found myself staring at the ceiling, as I had done many times before. She had been right. I was very slowly but surely opening up to her. Was it a mistake? I wasn't sure. She seemed so nice, without malice. How could she hurt me? Like Rei and Asuka did, either by being taken away or by leaving. But... tonight... for the first time in what seemed an eternity... I had no longer felt alone. And... I didn't want to feel alone anymore. Was that why I was opening to her? A girl I barely knew? Was I so pathetic that anybody would do, as long as it made me forget this loneliness in my heart? What did I truly feared more? Pain or loneliness? Then, a thought occurred to me. A very disturbing thought. Was this fear of loneliness behind the reason I postponed my choice between Rei and Asuka for so long? * * * I was sitting on a chair, in a dark room. The only light was a light that surrounded me, making a small circle of at most two meters in diameter around me. Everything else was pitch black, I couldn't see where the light came from. I didn't know how I ended up there. All I knew was that I was scared. Not of this unusual environment. It was something else. An overpowering sense of dread. Something was about to happen. And it did. And it was worse than anything I could have thought of. Images appeared before me. They did not come from a projector, or appear on a screen, they just were. But I did not wonder about their origins. I felt myself shaking as I recognized the images. Unit-01, trying to battle the Sixteenth Angel. It was a scene that was engraved in the very core of my being. As it melted the armor of Unit-01, it let go of the giant worm of light. It prepared to dodge a new attack when suddenly, the worm froze. On the other side of the Angel, Unit-00 rolled into a ball around the part of the Angel that was connected to it. "No!" I didn't want to see what was coming next. So I closed my eyes. But then I heard the words. 'Rei! Do what Misato says!' 'It is too late...' 'Rei!!!' I opened my eyes to see Unit-01 run toward Unit-00. But I already knew that it wouldn't reach it in time. 'Shinji... Whatever happens... never forget... that I love you.' 'NO! Rei! Don't do this! REI!!!' 'I love you...' I was blinded by the explosion of Unit-00, then the images disappeared and everything went black again. "You let me die." "Rei!" I turned around to see Rei, standing behind me, dressed in her school uniform as always. She was the only thing I could see in the darkness. "After the Fifteenth Angel, you swore that you wouldn't let another Angel hurt us, but you failed to protect me and so I had to die." "I did all that I could!" "No, you did not. You could have destroyed it." "Attacking it was hurting you!" "You acted the same way you did with the Thirteenth Angel. You feared to hurt us, so you let us die instead. I was not as lucky as Suzuhara-kun." There, she had said it. A thought that had been hunting me ever since that day, something I refused to face, even think about. Maybe attacking the Angel would have hurt her, but in the end, it may just have saved her life. "No... I... Rei... I..." I tried to look away. She just appeared before me, now dressed in plug suit, her skin covered by injuries that had no doubt been caused by the Sixteenth Angel. "You killed me." "Rei!" I leapt toward her, trying to reach for her, lost, confused, filled with guilt. However, when the tip of my fingers touched her, her whole body burst into flame. I saw her skin become as black as coal, then quickly melt off her charred bones, which themselves soon were nothing more than black ash that disappeared into the darkness. "Rei! Rei!" I fell on the floor, weeping. "You never loved me. You only loved her." I looked up in shock, to see Asuka looking down at me, her face streaked with tears. Her school uniform was dirty and slightly torn. She was pale, she seemed to have lost some weight and dark circles under her eyes showed that she was close to exhaustion. She didn't seem angry, however her gaze was cold as ice and showed how serious she had been in saying those words. "That's not true Asuka! I love you!" "You never showed it." She would not have hurt me more had she stabbed me with a knife. "But I do love you! Wasn't that night proof enough?" "You only took pity on me. Besides, it must have been only one more quick fuck for you. You had sex with Rei before. I could tell. You knew too much. How to touch me at the right places, how to pleasure me. How gentle you were so that you wouldn't hurt me too much. You betrayed my trust." I gasped. She knew... "Asuka... I... I... I really love you..." "It doesn't matter. You love her also." "But she's dead!" "So you want me to replace her? To take her place in your bed?" "No! No... that's... that's not it... I... I..." Deep down, I knew that she was right. It was unfair of me to just seek her love this way since Rei's wasn't available anymore. Switching from one another... it was wrong. I had been wrong from the start... "It's too late. I'll be leaving now." Asuka reached for something in her pocket and pulled out a long kitchen knife. I watched in horror as she applied the blade to her wrist. "I'll never bother you again. Ever." My God! "No!" Before I could even move, the blade slid neatly and deeply through the skin and flesh, severing veins and letting her life blood flow freely out of her body, into the darkness. "Asuka!" As I touched her, trying to grab her wrist to stop the blood flow, her hole body erupted in a shower of hot blood, covering me from head to toe. I screamed. * * * I jumped awake, in a state between dream and awareness, fearing the darkness of my room. I panicked, as I realized I could barely move; in my nightmare, I had managed to entangle myself in my own bed sheets. I was feeling like a trapped animal. I tried to pull my self out, trying to kick the sheets out of the way, struggling to free my arms, panting and crying. I didn't stop once I was finally freed. I only stopped when I felt two hands grab my arms, someone's chest lay against my back and a hot breath on my neck. I nearly went berserk again, fear taking control of my mind when I heard the soft, soothing words. "It is okay. It is over. There is nothing to fear. You are awake now." The words cut through the fog of my mind. Dream. It had all been a dream. No... a nightmare. I realized I was sitting on my bed, my shirt almost soaked through with sweat, two arms now holding me tight. Then, memories of the dream crashed down over me. I barely suppressed the tears that threatened to overcame me. "Shinji-kun. Do not do this to yourself." I turned my head to look toward Kaoru. She had a sad look on her face. In fact, I was surprised to see a tear silently make its way down her ivory white skin. Part of my mind noted that she was actually naked, but at that moment, it seemed like the least significant thing in the world. "So much pain and sadness. Do not keep it inside you. It is alright to cry. Let it all out. Let it out." I looked at those tear filled red eyes. Tears that she shed because she could feel the depth of my pain. That was all it took. I cried again, this time against her chest, crying all the tears that were left inside me. I cried for a while. I don't know how long. But the whole time, she held me tight, telling me words that I didn't really understand; it didn't matter, the sound of her voice brought me comfort. Once my sobbing had receded, she proceeded to remove the T-shirt I was wearing, saying that I should not sleep in such sweaty clothes. I didn't stop her, I felt drained. As if I was a child, she had me lie in bed and adjusted the covers, so that I would be warm. Then, she bent over me and kissed my forehead, a gesture I had not seen in many years, not ever since my mother's disappearance. She would probably have left, had I not grabbed her wrist. "Don't leave me alone. Please... I'm scared... I don't want to be alone..." She smiled and took her place under the covers by my side. Then, she wrapped me with her arms and held me tightly. "Thank you..." As we laid there, I felt at peace. Her naked body felt warm and comfortable against my bare back, her hold on me... safe. Soon, I was able to find sleep again, but this time, I only had wonderful dreams. In retrospect, as I looked back at that night, I learned a lot... * * * I woke up to realize that something was missing. It took me a while to realize exactly what. Only once I remembered the events of the night before did I understood what it was. Kaoru was gone. I got up and looked around the apartment. No trace of her. I looked outside. It was still in the middle of the night, so she probably had just left. It was probably what had woken me up. She had been so nice to me, despite all my efforts to push her away. I regretted having acted this way. She deserved more. 'Because you are worthy of love.' 'I mean, I love you.' She said she loved me. And she had showed it. I felt grateful, but... I didn't think I could return that feeling one day. She didn't, however, seem to be asking for anything in return, except that I open up to her. And I realized I felt like doing so. Back in my mind, a voice was trying to warn me that I was taking too greater a risk. I ignored it. Until I could know if I was ready for more, if I could feel more, I would from now on consider Nagisa Kaoru only as a friend. 'If she's your friend, then why did she leave so suddenly, without a word?' Again, I ignored that part of my mind. If I listened to it, I would forever be alone. So I concentrated on more urgent matters. I headed toward the bathroom. My cell phone chose that precise moment to burst into life. Annoyed, I just ignored it and went on my way. Now that I had decided to go to the bathroom, I had realized just how much I needed to go. It kept beeping. A let out a sigh of frustration, and went to pick it up. It had better be urgent... "Hello?" "Shinji!" said a voice I recognized as Hyuuga's. "About time! Where are you?" "Home..." "Good! I'm sending Security to pick you up! Get ready!" The communication ended. That was odd. Such urgency. This could really mean only one thing. The Seventeenth Angel. Finally! I rushed to put some clothes up, after a quick trip to the bathroom, and was out of the apartment, where I met two Security agents. They wasted no time in telling me "Follow us." which I did. I was driven very quickly to headquarters. Time seemed to be of the essence, which strengthened my conviction that this was an Angel attack, even if this time, the city sirens were silent. So as soon as I reached NERV Headquarters, I ran toward the locker room and hurried to put my plugsuit on. I only hesitated when came the time to put my neural interfaces. I looked at them for a second, then put them back into the locker and picked up a pair of familiar red neural interfaces instead... * * * I gasped as Misato's short briefing ended. I felt as if my heart had been crushed inside my chest. Kaoru... an Angel... no, it couldn't be... Not Kaoru. She was so gentle... she had nothing in common with those monsters. "That's not true... that can't be true..." But the way she acted when I mentioned killing the last Angel... "It is. You must kill it." Kill Kaoru... kill her? "No." I shut down the EVA. I knew that the people in the Control room were probably struggling to reactivate it, but they wouldn't succeed. "Shinji! What are you doing?!" Misato seemed to be panicking. "You will reactivate Unit-01 immediately." Strangely, to me, the voice of the Commander didn't seem to carry as much power anymore. "What for? To go down there and kill my friend?" My friend... Yes, Kaoru was my friend. But... she had said she loved me. How could that be if she was an Angel? Could she had lied to me? Did it really matter? I thought back at the events of the day before, how good it had felt to be with her. How I felt no longer lonely. Her nature didn't matter, I decided. Besides... there was no way I could kill another human being in cold blood. Even if it was also an Angel. "Correct." "Damn you! You hurt Touji! You let Asuka suffer! You took Rei from me! And now you want me to kill Kaoru? You heartless son of a bitch! If it wasn't my mother's name, I'd be ashamed of being called Ikari!" There was a deadly silence after I said those words. I was stunned myself. Where did these words come from? Ikari was not... the name of my father? How could I know that? Not that it really mattered. "I won't kill Kaoru... I won't..." "Then everyone will die." There wasn't as much assurance in the Commander's voice then usual. But I didn't notice. "I don't care... maybe it will be better this way..." The following silence was broken by the voice of Hyuuga. "Target passing the third level!" "Shinji! I... I don't want to die..." Misato? "Don't you want the pain to end, Misato-san?" "I don't want to die... because... because... I'm... I'm pregnant..." I gasped and I heard similar reactions over the comm. system. "I'm carrying Kaji's child... I don't want it to die..." Misato pregnant? Kaji's child? This brought back some sense into me. All of a sudden, Unit-01 activated. But I hadn't willed it to. And I knew it wasn't NERV's doing. "Mother... " I whispered, before sighing slightly. "All right, we'll go..." I didn't want to do it. But I didn't have a choice. Maybe I would find some other way if I could reach Kaoru. "Evangelion Unit-01 launch!" I finally shouted, as I went after my friend. * * * Following instructions, I quickly moved the EVA toward a shaft that seemed to go down *very* deep. I couldn't see the bottom. It didn't matter. Without giving it an extra thought, I jumped. I fell very quickly and soon saw Unit-02, slowly floating down. Kaoru floated at it's side. I never really stopped to wonder *how* she and Unit-02 could actually float. "Kaoru!" As I got close to it, Unit-01 and Unit-02's hand locked together, getting into combat position, the two giants struggling for dominance. I only realized later that I stopped falling and floated down along with Unit-02. "I have been waiting for you, Shinji-kun." I didn't also ponder on how it was possible for me to hear her voice inside the entry plug. I was hearing it and that fact alone was good enough for me. What I did notice however was the expression on her face. The happy smile was gone. It was a cold expression. One I would mainly associate with Ayanami. "Why Kaoru?! Why are you doing this? Did you betray me?! You said you loved me... was it just so that you could manipulate me like everyone does?!" "No Shinji-kun. My feelings are genuine. But this is something I must do." "Kaoru! No! You... you can't be an Angel..." "EVA is made of the same body as mine. Because I am also the natus de Adamo. When the unit does not have a soul, I can unite. The soul of this unit is shutting itself away now. I can use it as I wish." "Kaoru!" At that moment, I knew that whatever I would say, she wouldn't listen. She was an Angel. If she had something to do, the same applied to me. "I'm sorry, Asuka..." Unit-01's left shoulder storage compartment opened to reveal it's progressive knife. Unit-02 did the same. Both EVAs took their own progressive knife. I soon found myself not attacking like I had planned, but rather defending myself. The two blades met, unleashing a shower of sparkling energy. Using more strength, both blades were suddenly thrown off balance. I gasped in horror as I noticed that my blade was aiming right toward Kaoru. I was shocked to see the blade being stopped a meter from her by an AT Field. "AN AT FIELD?!?!" "Yes. You Lilims call it so. The holy region that must not be invaded by anyone. The light of mind. You, Lilims, are aware of that, aware that the so-called 'AT Field' is the wall of mind that everyone has." I didn't understand, and didn't care. I yelped, as I felt a sudden sharp pain in my chest. Unit-02 had just stabbed Unit-01 in the chest. I retaliated, plunging my own knife into its neck, the tip of the blade exiting on the other side. Unit-01 and Unit-02 struggled for a few seconds. I gritted my teeth as I felt the pain of Unit-02's progressive knife being pushed deeper into Unit-01's chest. Suddenly, we fell and hit the ground hard, our impact creating a shower of dust and dirt. As I willed the stunned EVA to get in its feet, I realized that Kaoru was floating away. "Kaoru! Stop!" I was about to go after her when I felt something lock the EVA's left leg into place. Unit-02 had just grabbed it... With a battle cry, I resumed my fight against Unit-02. Again, it stabbed my chest, but this time, I shove my knife right into its head. That didn't stop it like I had hoped. Suddenly, I felt something hitting my EVA, something similar to a shock wave, but different. "What the hell?!" I then felt my adversary going completely limp. Either I had finally stopped it, or Kaoru's control over it was gone. Whatever... Slowly, I walked toward the destination where I had seen Kaoru go. I wasn't that much in a hurry to confront her and my chest still hurt. I silently gasped as I saw Kaoru floating just in front of a white giant, above a lake that looked suspiciously like LCL. I quickly forgot about that scene as I extended my EVA's hand and grabbed Kaoru. Seeing a hundred clones of your dead girlfriend tended to make such sights less impressive. "I see you've defeated Unit-02. Thank you, Shinji-kun. I might have, otherwise, lived with her." "Kaoru, why?" I asked again, hoping to hear an answer that would make my choice easier. "I've been destined to live forever, even if humanity is annihilated as a result. However, I am able to die. To be or not to be. It makes no difference to me. My death is the only absolute liberty." I gasped. No... "Kaoru! You can't... you can't be asking me to kill you? I won't... I can't..." "Shinji-kun... if I live, then all of humanity dies. If I die, then you, and every other man, woman and children will have a chance to grasp the future. And if you can succeed in facing the remaining trial that awaits... then we may meet again someday." "No! Surely... there's a way to avoid it. Come back with me. We could go away. You could forget all about this. You don't have to do this!!!" "No, Shinji. My true name is Tabris. I am the Angel of Free Will. This is why I was given this form. Unlike my brothers, I could choose my destiny, like you Lilims do everyday. But the price of free will is responsibility. Once you make a choice, you cannot erase the past and you must accept the consequences of your chosen path. I could no longer resist the call of Adam, so I left the life of Nagisa Kaoru behind and now, here we are. You chose to come here to stop me. Now is the time for you to accept the outcome of your choice." "Kaoru! I can't!" "Please Shinji-kun. One must live and the other must die. You must be the one to live. This is my wish. Shinji-kun... I am glad I met you. You Lilims have short fragile lives, and so your emotions are very strong. I can understand you better now, Shinji-kun. You are so beautiful. Especially you, Shinji-kun. Your heart is so sensitive that you are overwhelmed by the pain of existence. But do not forget that there is more than pain. Do not fear to open yourself, mind, body, heart and soul, to those you cherish. Even as their AT Field separates them from each other, it is possible for two beings to connect. You Lilims should not look any further; this the true instrumentality of humankind." "I... I don't understand what you're trying to say..." "You will in time." "Kaoru!" "A few more words as parting gift. Shinji-kun, there are many ways to love. It is possible to love two persons, in similar, yet different ways. It is right. But for you to be truly happy, you must find the love you hold dearest, which will make you feel complete. Do not hesitate. If you keep loving them, they will not hate you. But for your own sake, you must choose. Now... the time has come. You must do what needs to be done, and do not let your heart be filled with guilt. It is the right thing to do, and your heart should not be destroyed as a result. Thank you Shinji... farewell..." She was smiling again. The girl closed her eyes and awaited her fate. No... not a girl... an Angel. That is, that's what I tried to convince myself of. I closed my eyes and tried to remember all my encounters with the Angels, all the times they had wreaked havoc in my life. The First Angel. It had destroyed half of humanity. It had killed Misato's father. Because of it, I eventually lost both my mother and father. The Third Angel. It nearly killed Rei. It tried to kill me, it hurt me. It hurt Touji's sister. The Fifth Angel. Rei nearly sacrificed herself to save me from it. The Eighth Angel. I had barely saved Asuka that time. The Thirteenth Angel. Touji had lost an arm and a leg because of it. The Fourteenth Angel. It nearly killed Rei and Asuka. The Fifteenth Angel. It raped Asuka's mind. She had left because of it, I was sure. The Sixteenth Angel. To kill it, Rei gave up her life. Each time I remembered how an Angel had brought pain in our lives, my anger rose. Enough to eventually forget the girl I had known as Kaoru and in its place see a monster. I was so enraged that I don't recall willing the hand of Unit-01 to close in on itself. I barely felt any resistance. When I opened my eyes, the illusion faded. When I opened the EVA's hand, I didn't see the remains of a monster. Only some red pulp. Blood. My hands were truly covered in blood now. I had killed. But she had said it was the right thing to do. It didn't make me feel any better. I was still crying in silence when they pulled me out of the entry plug... * * * Again, I stood in front of the Tokyo-3 lake. Like I had promised myself, I had defeated the Seventeenth Angel. But this victory hadn't brought me any joy. I was now lonelier than I had been. And now I was truly a murderer. The thought made me sick. Whatever shred of innocence I had left had been ripped away the moment Kaoru died. Kaoru... How vivid my memories of her seemed to be... Kaoru, smiling at me. Kaoru, helping me get out of my entry plug. Kaoru, bringing me a meal. Kaoru, listening to my music, an air of calm and serenity on her face. Kaoru, praising me on my playing. Kaoru and me, talking about ourselves. Kaoru, holding me, making me feel safe and warm. As I recalled all those happy moments, I realized... I would miss her dearly. Not until she was gone did I realize just how much impact she actually had on my life. I did not love her. But given time, I might have. But I'll never have the chance to know for sure. "Shinji..." I was startled to see Misato standing right at my side. She looked sincerely sorry for me. "First Rei and now Kaoru... They died to save my life. Touji nearly died too. Misato-san... I don't want anyone else to be hurt because of me..." "I know, Shinji-kun." "Why am I the one who always stays alive? Why do people have to sacrifice themselves for me? I'm not worth it! My life is not worth so much pain. I should have been the one to die. Maybe there's still time to put an end to the pain." "Shinji!" I gasped as I felt Misato's hand hitting my cheek. "Don't you ever say that, Shinji! Don't even dare think about it! If you die now, then all the sacrifice and suffering your friends went through would become meaningless! Don't disgrace them!" The words hit me even harder then her hand. I had never thought about things this way. "Misato..." "Today, you've learned the tragedy of war. War is neither good or evil. It's something that simply is. One must fight for his survival. However, victory often offers no reason to celebrate, as it too can come at great cost. The only thing you can do is move on. It's the only good thing that can come out of it." These words felt right. They didn't bring much comfort, but they gave me purpose... "Even if all the Angels are gone, I feel this war is not over yet. Mankind may still depend on you, Shinji. So we need you to be strong..." Gently, Misato caressed her stomach. "... and you need to be strong for yourself, as well as those you love." Those I love... "You think you have no hope left, but you are wrong. It's not all lost... at least, I hope not." She touched her stomach again, lightly. "Room 303, Shinji. The infirmary. I'm not sure anything can be done, but... sometimes the best we can hope for is to try." The infirmary? "A... Asuka? You found Asuka?!" "Yes. Although, it may have something to do with the loss of the Fifth Children." I didn't care about the reason. All that I cared about was that Asuka was back. Maybe there was still hope left. After all, night always gives way to the birth of a new day... [To be continued...] Next time: Chapter 12 - End of Evangelion Life. Death. Choices. NERV's final stand. Can destiny be changed? Can NERV and the Children win against all odds? Or will the world as we know it come to an end? Omake (by Daniel Snyder): Deep down, I knew that she was right. It was unfair of me to just seek her love this way since Rei's wasn't available anymore. Switching from one another... it was wrong. I had been wrong from the start... "It's too late. I'll be leaving now." Asuka reached for something in her pocket and pulled out... "WAAAARK!" "Penny-chan and I will never bother you again. Ever." My God! No! "No! Not...not Pen-Pen!!!" Author's notes: (1) Taken from the third manga, a mix of the English and French edition. Shinji said those words to Rei, after having pulled her out of her overheated entry plug, as he helps her walk toward the rescue team. (2) The plural form of "Dummkopf" (in english, simpleton) would be the Dummkoepfe (or Dummköpfe). However, Shinji wouldn't know that... (3) If we take a good look at a few NGE official pictures (not fanarts) one can notice that Kaworu's plug suit is like Shinji's, except for the colors. The same goes for Touji. From that, one could theorize that there is also a standard plugsuit design for females as well. However... Rei and Asuka have different plugsuits. Asuka being the first production model pilot, it seems right to say that her plugsuit design would be the standard one. This was more or less confirmed with some fanart of Hikari, Maya, Ritsuko and Misato in plugsuits; all of them taking as graphic model Asuka's suit. Well, this is the reworked and reoriented Chapter 11. I feel actually much happier about it. It feels more like a chapter of TOILI now. For those who wonder what this is about, well it's simple. As you may see in the outtakes, Shinji and Kaoru in the original chapter were a bit... closer... (in other words, they had pointless sex). This had the unfortunate effect of making Kaoru not only abnormally horny for an Angel, but also she appeared too much manipulative, maybe getting even less sympathy the original Kaworu. To quote one of my readers: "Kaoru is a slut". Well, it may be a bit much, but it does carry the feeling of uneasiness some people felt and that I felt myself, although, in many case, it may also have been about Shinji betraying so easily the girls he loved. Solution to this problem? Redesign Kaoru. After all, we only really see her in this chapter, so it was rather easy to do. Thanks to some discussions, I eventually created a new model in my mind: a fusion between Rei and Belldandy, from the series Ah! My Goddess! That resulted in a calmer, gentler, sometimes clueless Kaoru (which gave me the opportunity to tone down parts where the original Kaoru only had sex on her mind) but also very direct and perceptive. I don't know if I did a good job in creating this portrayal, but I do feel a lot more at ease with this chapter. I can now move forward... For those who wonder about the title, 'Where Angels Fear to Tread', this Title was suggested to me my EeL, pre-reader extraordinaire and author of HERZ. He explained it to me this way: "It's got a few layers to it - the first half of the proverb comes to mind, 'Fools rush in...' It could also refer to the effort by Kaoru to understand love and humans through Shinji and her final descent into terminal dogma. More abstractly, a reference to the AT field - the sacred light of the soul where no other is allowed to trespass, the AT- field being the main reason why Eva is an effective weapon against the Angels." One more point, now that I revised this chapter, would be Kaoru's mention of the freedom to choose, a capacity that the other Angels lacked. On a final note, I think it's clear now that those who labeled this story as WAFF and Romance were wrong. Of course, I knew from the start. TOILI was meant to cover much more then that. It has WAFF, Romance and Humor, but also Drama and Angst, not to mention some Lime scenes. With Chapter 12... expect anything. Oh, yeah... some people might mention that a kitchen knife seems a bit big to fit in a school uniform pocket. Keep in mind that this is a dream sequence and that dreams don't always make total sense. And I have a reason for specifically using a kitchen knife. Alain Gravel rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca December 6th 1999 Started on October 1st 1999 First pre-reader draft finished on December 6th 1999 Second pre-reader draft finished on December 17th 1999 Third pre-reader draft finished on January 10th 2000 Final draft finished on February 1st 2000 Final revisions on March 16th 2000