From: "Rakna" The One I Love Is... Chapter 7 - Awakening Written by Alain Gravel Assisted by Darren Demaine Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/ (*) See translations notes for details ======================================================================= Chapter 7 - Awakening Part 1: A man's choice / I won't run away anymore The bed was comfortable, but I barely managed to get any sleep. I had spent most of the night staring at this new unfamiliar ceiling. I'm sure I could have slept somewhere other than in a hotel room. I could have asked Kaji or Kensuke to let me in for the night. Misato was ready to let me sleep in my old room until tomorrow. But I didn't want to ask any of them for help. I didn't belong with them anymore. The two hours I slept were far from restful. In my dreams, my mind kept replaying what people had already come to call the "Unit-03 accident". However, there was a small, frightening difference: in my dreams, it wasn't Unit-03 that my EVA butchered. It was a giant Touji (nobody ever said dreams always made sense). I woke up screaming and drenched in sweat. I probably woke up the people in the next room as well. While my sleep had been invaded by nightmares, my waking hours were plagued by the words of the mysterious grey-hair girl. 'Piloting EVA can only bring you pain. The Fourth was only the first to be hurt. The First or Second could be next. You should leave while there is still time. Otherwise, you will be destroyed along with those you love.' I didn't know who that girl was. It could just be some demented person. Yet... I couldn't help but think about what she had said. Probably because I knew she was right. If I stayed, I would end up hurting Rei and Asuka just like Touji. Kaji had once said that luck was my talent. But your luck can run out sometimes. Twice already I had been basically useless. First with the Twelfth Angel, now with the Thirteenth. The fact was.. they didn't need me. With me out of the way, Asuka would not feel the need to show off and be the best. Her results could only improve. And Rei wouldn't have the urge to do something as stupid as trying to protect me like she did with the Fifth Angel. Actually, with me gone, she would probably use Unit-01 in my place. The tests had shown it was possible. Even with the upgrades, Unit-00 remained the less reliable EVA. And also... so far, Unit-01 had somehow... protected me. Now... it could protect Rei. Besides, if I hadn't piloted in her place when the Third Angel had attacked, she would have been Unit-01's pilot. I tried not to think that if I hadn't piloted, she probably would have died. Yes, I wasn't needed anymore. They had Rei, they had Asuka, and they had that thing... the dummy plug it was supposed to be called... they didn't need me. I would only get in the way, get them hurt. It was better this way... My decision was made. I would leave Tokyo-3 and never return. It was what I had to do, what I should have done a long time ago. If so, why did this feel so wrong? * * * I couldn't help but shudder as I walked through the too familiar corridors of NERV's infirmary. My only relief laid in the knowledge that this would be the last time I would see those walls. I knew that Misato hoped otherwise. That was probably why she had neither taken my ID card away nor deactivated the access rights I had to this facility. But my decision was final: I no longer had a place here. Fact was... I never had a place here to begin with. I watched as the numbers on the doors scrolled by with each step I took. Part of me wished simply to run away. Wouldn't be the first time. But something compelled me to go on. Some morbid obsession perhaps. I froze as I reached my destination. Room number 107. I willed my hand to open the door, but it refused to move. I... I couldn't do it. But I couldn't leave either. God, I hated that. Taking a deep breath, I entered the room of Suzuhara Touji. With relief, I realized that Touji seemed asleep. His condition had stabilized, but he was still connected to IV units and some monitors. Then I noticed how irregular his form appeared under the bed sheets. I tried to look away, but something deep inside me forced me to look well at those areas where I should have seen the forms of an arm and a leg. This was my doing. Silently, the tears came. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave. But as I reached for the door, my whole body froze at the sound of a familiar, but tired and weak, voice. "Shinji... came here to apologize... before running away?" "Touji!" I was reluctant to turn around. But when I did, I did not see the hate-filled gaze I'd expected, but rather, a smiling face. He looked as pale as Rei and he seemed really exhausted. But he was smiling. "So?" "I won't apologize. What I did is unforgivable." "Oh... and... you're going to leave... right?" Was I so predictable that everyone always seemed to know what I would do next? "Yes." He turned his head to look at the ceiling. I realized it must have been quite an effort to look at me. "Sohryu's right... you really are... an idiot." He spoke, without leaving his eyes of the ceiling. Even though those were said quite flatly, the words hit me. "Misato-san came. She... she explained everything to me. Shinji... this wasn't your fault..." Misato had talked to Touji? "It is! It was my EVA that did this to you!" Slightly, he shook his head. "You weren't in control..." "Doesn't matter..." I couldn't stand looking at him anymore. There, in that bed, hurt because of me. He had almost died because of me. I could see it on his face. He had came very close to leaving us. Ashamed, I stared at the floor. We both stayed silent for a long moment. "Does that mean I'm a murderer?" I stared at him in disbelief. What did he mean? "The EVA I was piloting... it... it killed a lot of people at Matsushiro... didn't it? It could also have killed... Rei and Asuka. And... if your father... had not taken that decision... it would have killed you too..." "It's not the same!" "How so?" I... I really didn't know what to answer. I knew that what he had said made sense. But... part of me refused to believe it. I guess... part of me needed to take the blame... because it was the only reason that could justify my decision to run away. "Your EVA was taken over by an Angel..." I answered, without much conviction however. "Yours... by a computer," replied Touji, simply. "Same thing. We were both stuck... in... 'things'... we couldn't control." I knew this was true... but... "I could have tried to rescue you instead of just doing nothing and giving up!" Yes. This reason would do... "How? How do you think you could have done that? That Angel beat the crap... out of both Sohryu and Ayanami... in matter of seconds. It beat you... fairly easily too... He had a point. But still... I was about to say something when he continued. It seemed he had only paused to catch his breath and gather his thoughts. "You've had days to whine about this... did... did you figure out yet a way... you could have... saved me?" I had thought about it a lot. Scenarios where I could have saved him had played themselves out through my head. If I'd only done this... if I'd tried that... but... no, I never really managed to find an answer to that question. In shame, I stayed quiet. "Thought so." said Touji after a whole minute had passed, seeing that I obviously had no answer to give him. "Doesn't matter." I would not let him convince me that what had happened was insignificant! I would not! It was my fault, dammit! Why was he so nice to me?! "I'm of no use to any one. If I stay here, I'll just end up hurting more people!" "No, if you stay... you'll have to face what happened... and that's what you fear... being hurt yourself. If you leave... you'll hurt everyone who cares about you. Misato. Rei. Asuka. Me." Damn you Touji! Why did you have to be so bright all of the sudden! "Nobody cares..." "It's not true and you know it." This time, it felt as if Touji was angry. I guess he would have shouted those word, if he hadn't been so weak. The painkillers probably didn't help either. But he again raised his head to look at me. He may have seemed weak, but I could see the fire in his eyes. "Rei and Misato... they hid the truth from me..." "They didn't want you to be hurt..." "I could have stopped you!" "No. I had my reasons." Strangely, a small smile appeared on his face. He let his head down on his pillow again. It was strange. For a moment, he almost seemed serene. "I know... your sister... again, it's my fault..." "Don't say that..." "But it's true!" Touji sighed. "I'd hit you... if I could. Don't you understand yet... that I have forgiven you? That Mari doesn't even hold you responsible for what happened? It wasn't your fault. It was those goddamn Angels." "I was piloting!" "For the first time... without any training... and the stupid thing went berserk... baka..." I stared at him, not knowing what to say. Touji simply stared back. All my illusions were fading away, but I wanted them to remain... "Fact is... without you that time... we all may have died. My sister's hurt... but she's alive. Like I am..." I didn't know what to say. So I just stared at the floor. It was easier than to look at him. I think we stayed like that for a few minutes. I didn't really know what compelled me to stay. Maybe I was just afraid to leave without him telling me that I could go. "Shinji... I'll be honest... what happened to me really sucks. But... if loosing an arm and a leg... is the price to pay... so I wouldn't have your... and everyone's death... on my conscience... then it's a good deal. Besides... Misato promised that she would use all of her influence... to get me the best medical attention, financed by NERV. I may be up and walking again before you even know it!" Seeing him be so cheerful... No, I couldn't take it. This wasn't what I had expected to happen. "Gomen!" (*) This was all I managed to say before running away. * * * Once I exited the infirmary, Misato tried one last time to convince me to stay. It seems that she had waited for me to come out. I did my best to tune her out and simply say that my decision was final. I thanked her for all that she had done for me, said my goodbyes and walked away without turning back. I completely ignored her offer to take me to the train station. My business with NERV and all the people I had encountered here was over. I would walk back to the apartment, grab a few things, and go. With any luck, the girls would be at school, so I wouldn't have to say goodbye. But was that the right decision? Why did I keep questioning my decision? For once I had finally made a decision and resolved to stick to it. I didn't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. I never wanted to pilot EVA in the first place and had been told to leave. But moments later, I had been sitting in the entry plug of Unit- 01 for the first of many times. Then I had decided that I would never pilot it again. But I didn't board the train that was supposed to carry me away from Tokyo-3. And I piloted again. This time I would not change my mind! I would not! I wasn't a little boy anymore... This time, I would act like a man and do as I had decided. Wasn't that what Asuka would have done? Once her mind was set, she would never back out of her decisions. She was too stubborn for that. If she could do it, why couldn't I? Rei never seemed to doubt her decisions either. But... had she ever made a decision of her own in the first place? Then I remembered that Asuka often made poor decisions. Attacking the Seventh Angel on her own was one. What she did at the lake had been another. What is better to stick to your choices rather changing your mind if that choice seems a poor one? What was the mature thing to do? I had been walking for a long while, lost in thoughts, when I suddenly heard the all too familiar sound of Tokyo-3's emergency sirens. I froze. An Angel attack... Almost on reflex, I turned around to run toward NERV. But then I remembered my decision. I didn't have a place there anymore. I didn't have to fight anymore... Rei and Asuka would... It would be more then enough. Right? I stayed still for a few long minutes, conflicting ideas waging battle in my head. Then I slowly made my way towards the nearest shelter. * * * As the sounds of battle started, I sat alone, chin against my knees, like a scared child. I probably looked pathetic. Didn't matter, I knew I was. 'Why are you such a wimp?' More than that... I was a coward. 'Sohryu's right... you really are... an idiot...' I was weak. Useless. 'Sorry, but his younger sister was hurt in the battle. That's his reason anyway.' My only talent was piloting EVA. And I couldn't even do it right. Each time I got inside it, people would get hurt. Touji's sister. Touji. The sound of heavy artillery intensified. The battle seemed really close. Had the Angel entered the Geofront? What did it matter to me anyway? What was that urge to leave this place? To go where? NERV? "Daddy! I'm scared!" I don't know why, but those words made me aware of what was going on around me. I saw people, mainly children, sobbing and crying. I saw mothers hugging their children, trying to comfort them. I saw couples in each others arms, trying to draw strength from the other, but failing. I saw fear, pain, and despair. And as I became more aware of the sounds of battle, I shared their fear. Strange, being in an EVA was less scary than being here. But I was safe here, wasn't I? I wasn't risking my life... No... others were risking their lives instead of me... how pathetic I was... Suddenly, the entire shelter was shaken as if it had been at the epicenter of a massive earthquake. One of the walls and part of the ceiling seemed to literally explode, sending dust and metal debris flying everywhere. Even with the loud sound of the explosion, I could hear people scream and cry. As the dust cleared, I opened the eyes I had closed on reflex and saw a man lying right in front of me, a long metal fragment going right through his chest. People in the shelter tried to flee in panic. Then I noticed it. For a moment, my heart stopped beating. Where a wall used to stand now laid the head of Evangelion Unit-02. No! Asuka! ASUKA!!!! Like a man possessed, I ran toward the exit, shoving people aside if I needed to, not caring about anything except that I needed to get out of here. I needed to see... I almost fell to my knees once I exited the shelter. Unit-02, or rather what was left of it as it was missing its head and both arms, stood, immobilized, a giant monster slowly moving past it toward NERV. This wasn't possible. Asuka couldn't have lost in such a way. Not Asuka... she was a better pilot than I... "Asuka... ASUKA!" If she had still been synchronized with EVA when it lost its head... No... no... NO!!! I hadn't even apologized to her yet for all the pain I had caused her... "Hey you! What are you doing? Do you want to die?" I looked at the source of those words. I realized that those were not meant for me, but rather a girl. A girl with gray hair in a white sundress. She too was staring toward Unit-02. Then, she turned her head to look right toward me. The red eyes! "You!" She just smiled. A warm smile. Totally out of place in this moment of utter chaos. Then she walked away and started to disappear into the crowd of people that were fleeing for their lives. I was about to run after her, when someone called me. "Shinji-kun?" A familiar voice. I turned around to see Kaji, apparently sprinkling his small watermelon patch. I look back toward the last location where I had seen the girl, but she was now nowhere to be seen. Almost in a daze, I walked to meet Kaji. The sight of the battered Unit-02 was still having a heavy effect on my mind. "Kaji-san. What are you doing here?" "That's my line. What are you doing here, Shinji-kun?" "I'm no longer the pilot of Unit-01. I've decided that I would never pilot again." "I see. Well, to answer your question, since my part-time job has gone public, I lost my position in the battle shift. So here I am, sprinkling..." "At a time like this?!" I couldn't believe this. Working on his garden right in the middle of an Angel attack? "What better time? Although I'd rather be between Katsuragi's melons, this is a place I'd like to be when I die." "Die?" "Yes. It is said that if an Angel comes into contact with Adam, which is sleeping beneath us, all humanity will be annihilated through the Third Impact. Such a fate can only be prevented by Evangelion, which has the same power as an Angel." I didn't know what to say. Nobody ever explained this to me in such a way. I knew we had to fight the Angels. I knew they attacked us. But I didn't know why. They wanted to kill every human being? Didn't this change everything? Suddenly, in a distance, Unit-00 emerged from underground. It didn't look very good. It was still missing an arm and repairs didn't seem completed. As it started moving, I understood one important reality: Rei piloted that EVA. I didn't know how I could be so sure about that. Maybe it was a gut feeling. Maybe it was the way the EVA moved. But I knew that it was piloted by Rei. "Unit-00! Rei!" That was crazy! She didn't even have a rifle... "I wonder why Ikari hasn't sent her in Unit-01? I doubt he planned things this way..." My heart threatened to explode in my chest as I watched the Evangelion run toward the Angel. It held something in it's right hand, but I didn't know what it was. Suddenly, the EVA hit the Angel's AT- Field, the yellow hexagonal ripples clearly visible with the naked eye. For a few longs seconds, Unit-00 struggled to penetrate the Angel's AT- Field. When it did, both the robot and monster were engulfed into a bright explosion that blinded me for a moment. I felt a rush of hot air that almost threw me to the ground. When the smoke dissipated and I was able to see again, Unit-00 and the Angel were still standing, both of them unscratched. Then, the arm of the Angel, some sort of sharp ribbon, extended and hit Unit-00 directly in the head. The EVA fell to the ground, a blood-red liquid pouring from it's extensive injury. "REI! Rei-chan..." I shook my head, trying not to think the worst. Surely she was fine... "Do you understand why she did this?" These words freed me from my trance and I moved my eyes from the limp form of Unit-00 to Kaji. "Probably because my Father told her to..." "No, I don't believe so. I think that you've cut the puppet strings." I couldn't believe that. She had obeyed him when he had told her not to talk to me about Touji. But she did have other reasons... "Rei, Asuka... they don't only fight because it's their duty. They also fight for their lives. And more importantly, the lives of those they care about. I'm pretty sure... that they fought for you. To protect you. Too bad you couldn't protect them." Those words struck home. As I looked again at Unit-00, a wave of guilt engulfed me. I almost felt sick at the thought that Rei and Asuka could have been severely hurt, just because I hadn't been there... But I had left so that they wouldn't be hurt... Maybe... that decision... had been a mistake... "I envy you, Shinji-kun. I can do nothing but water here. But you... there is something you can do, something only you can do now. Nobody is forcing you. Think for yourself and decide by yourself." Kaji stared at me. I think I never saw him so serious in my entire life. "This is a man's choice. What will you choose, Ikari Shinji?" My brain was working overtime, as I thought back at what everyone had told me today. This time, I couldn't hide from the truth anymore. I stared up at the figure of the Angel as it sailed towards Headquarters. All around were the sounds of terrified, hurt people struggling to find shelter. I'd left because I didn't want to cause anyone pain anymore. Without me me the others could focus on their tasks. I wouldn't be a distraction to them. But I'd left and people were still getting hurt. Rei... Asuka... my decision hadn't saved them as I'd hoped. It fact, because I hadn't been there to fight beside them, it might even have... might have... 'If you don't pilot, you will condemn Rei and Sohryu to death.' My father's words, my greatest fear. I remembered how he had said those words: casually, calmly. As if he was discussing the weather. I'd never thought mere words could hurt that much. Well, it was nothing compared to actually seeing Units-00 and 02 now. Had his words been prophetic? Had I rejected the only good advice my father had ever given me? Damn him! This was my decision, not his! A flash of light from the Angel and an explosion of water signaled the destruction of one of the lake's gunboats. I saw soldiers in NERV clothing charging towards the Angel. They knew they couldn't do anything with their sidearms, but they never slowed, never showed the fear they had to be feeling. They fought for something, I could feel it. They weren't afraid. I had left because I was. So that *I* wouldn't get hurt by my actions. The eyes of the Angel flashed. Men died. And my hand closed into a tight fist. "I think I understand..." "Do you?" I nodded, then, despite what was happening, smiled, for the first time in quite a while. "I've got to go!" "I've got a jeep nearby. I'll take you to NERV." I could have thanked him, but I knew that no words were necessary. He was probably as thankful as I was. As I saw the Angel advancing toward Headquarters, I started to grasp how desperate this situation was. I just hoped that we would make it in time. Otherwise, if Kaji was right, I wouldn't even have the time to feel guilty about having left the girls all alone against that monster. * * * "Carry on. Once more, try it again from one-zero-eight." From his post high above EVA, the Commander seemed to struggle to activate Unit-01. But apparently, all his efforts were in vain. I don't know exactly why. It didn't matter anyway. All that was important was that I was probably mankind's last hope. Talk about heavy responsibilities. But for once, it didn't really feel like the weight it had always been. "I'll pilot it!" The Commander looked down at me. From what I could tell, he remained calm, in control. I had to admit, even if I hated him, I had to admire his calm in a situation like this. "Why are you here?" No emotions showed in his voice. I wasn't much surprised and I didn't really care either. "I am the pilot of Evangelion Unit-01. This is my purpose. This is what I can do." This was a truth I had understood. When piloting, I was able to protect those I loved. "Is this all you have to say?" "Just shut up and let me pilot! There's no more time to lose!" The man didn't say a word. But the plug that was inside the EVA was removed and replaced by my own. I smiled in victory, even though I was sure that my father shared a similar smile for completely different reasons. * * * I had barely made it. But it was enough. As I literally crashed through the wall of the main control room, I truly understood Kaji's words. I now knew the EVA's purpose. As I saved Misato's life, I realized how privileged I actually was to be able to protect those I cared for in this way. And for the first time ever, piloting didn't feel like an obligation. As strange as it seemed, I enjoyed it. I felt what I believed Asuka felt when she piloted her EVA: pride and excitement. As I battled with this ugly, giant monster that was the Angel, I became nearly oblivious to everything around me. Only for an instant did I feel the pain attached with the loss of my EVA's left forearm, the pain being quickly subdued by the rush of the fight. I didn't really think when I barked a few orders to Misato. I was almost on auto-pilot. Once we were outside Headquarters, I let all my barriers down. Outside, there was no one that could get hurt in this fight. Only the Angel and me. As I proceeded to try to literally rip it apart, I must have looked possessed. Through this fight, I had let all my hate and rage out. That Angel had hurt Rei and Asuka! It had tried to kill Misato! The Angels! They had been responsible for hurting Touji's sister! They had hurt Touji! They were responsible for the Second Impact! Because of them we had to fight! I HATED THEM! I was about to rip the Angel's head off when suddenly, everything went silent except one sound. The timer of the internal batteries. I looked at the digits. 00:00:00 I had run out of power. No! Suddenly, I felt the EVA being lifted off the ground and thrown away. It felt as if it had hit the ground hard and I was amazed that I had not been injured by the impact. But I quickly remembered the reality of the situation and how grim things looked. "Move, move, move. Move, please move. There's no point if you don't move now!" Then, I heard an explosion and felt the EVA being shaken. I knew it had sustained severe damage. The explosion was followed by a regular, rhythmic sound. The Angel was hitting the EVA. It shook with each impact. I could hear cracking noises and if I had not been panicking, I may have noticed the small fractures appearing in the entry plug above my head. Frantically, I pulled the controls, but to no avail. The EVA stood still. I would soon die. Then, if what Kaji had said was true, the whole human race would follow. I had failed, again. I had failed to protect those that were dear to me. I felt as if I was drowning in an ocean of despair. "NO!" In tears, I pulled even harder and faster on the controls. My arms hurt, but I didn't care. "Move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, please move! If you don't move now, everyone's going to die! I... I can't let that happen. I... I can't... I can't let them down again! So, please... MOVE!" Suddenly, I froze. I could hear a sound. Something like... a heart beating? Then, it was as if I had been engulfed into a sea of darkness. Only days later did I know what had happened. I had been absorbed into EVA. ======================================================================== === Part 2: Second Chances / May the best girl win! A scent. A very familiar scent. Rei? Asuka? Misato? No. Someone else... Mother! Mother!!! I'm coming Mother! A voice. A faint voice. A familiar voice. But not Mother's... Someone... almost as important... 'Shinji! Give back my Shinji! Give him back...' Mi... Misato...? 'You must go back.' Mother? * * * As I woke up from what seemed like the least restful sleep I ever had, I groaned as I recognized the all too familiar ceiling of the NERV infirmary. At least I was lucky, the light were off so my eyes were saved the pain of looking at them. "Not again," I tried to complain, but my throat and mouth were dry and the words didn't really come out. Out of habit, I tried to assess my situation. I felt odd, but no pain. I raised my arms. Good, no IV needles, so I probably wasn't hurt much. However, I realized that my senses seemed sluggish, as if I was in a badly synchronized EVA. I opened and closed my hand a few times, moving my arm around. It seemed to get better with each passing moment. Good. Apparently, the only real problem I had was a throbbing headache. It almost felt like the pounding headache I had experienced after the Third Angel battle. Angel... At that thought, it all came back to me. I was fighting the Angel. Then I ran out of power. And then... I wasn't sure what happened. I couldn't remember. I was alive, so I guess it was dead. But how? Rei and Asuka's EVAs had been severely damaged. Rei! Asuka! I felt a bit lightheaded as I tried to sit up in bed, but it quickly passed. I had to leave this room! I had to know if they were alright! "So, finally decided to wake up, eh? About time." That voice! "Touji?" Part of me felt scared, but I knew that there was nothing to be afraid of. I knew he didn't hate me. He was sitting in a wheelchair, in a corner of the room. With a few pushes, he approached the bed. To my surprise, Touji looked completely different then the last time I saw him. He didn't seem weak anymore, but rather very energetic. He looked healthier and was dressed in his usual tracksuit attire. For a moment, I wondered if I wasn't dreaming, or better yet if I hadn't just woken up from a terrible nightmare, when I realized that he was still missing two limbs. I stared at him completely lost. He gave me a warm smile. He must have guessed that my throat was dry as he handed me a glass of water he took from a small table near the bed. It was quite welcome. "You scared us, you know," he said simply. What... what was going on here? "How...?" I didn't really know what to say. I was too confused. And... I couldn't help but feel intimidated by him. "What's the last thing you remember?" I tried to think. There was some images... but I couldn't really make any sense out of them. "The... the Angel... I had no more power... then... I don't know..." Touji nodded, as if he had expected that answer. "That was a month ago." "A month!" I couldn't believe it! A month? Did I get hurt so badly that I lost consciousness for an entire month? I didn't feel any pain. What was going on? "Yes. A whole month. And let me tell you, it was a long month for everyone here. You scared the hell out of us!" "Scared? What... what happened? The Angel...?" I asked. Then I remember the reason I had tried to get up. "Rei?! Asuka?! Are they alright?!" "Calm down. They're fine. They barely got injured." I sighed. What a relief! "Did they kill the Angel?" I didn't know how it was possible, but it was the only possibility I could see. "No. You went berserk again." "Oh..." That probably explained why I didn't remember a thing. At least, not yet. But still... that didn't explain why I had been unconscious an entire month. "You got us worried sick! Don't ever do that again!" Touji clenched his fist. He almost seemed... about to cry? What the hell happened to me?! "What...? What happened?" "The way I understand it... you... disappeared... into EVA. 'Absorbed' I think Misato said. They had to pull you out. But... it almost... failed. You were almost lost..." Disappeared into EVA. Was that possible? Yet... it felt familiar. I had the sensation... that I had heard about that before. No, I saw it happen. But... who? When? No, I was probably mistaken. I had never seen EVA before coming to Tokyo-3. Never... never... "I... I see..." We looked at each other in silence. I couldn't help but look at his missing arm and leg... "Touji... I..." "Don't apologize. You understand it wasn't your fault now, don't you?" I nodded. "Then it's settled. Besides, in one week, I'll be sent to Tokyo-2 so I can try some experimental artificial limbs. Misato pulled quite a few strings for that. She felt NERV owed me that much. I'll also see Mari again! She's in reeducation! She's walking again Shinji!" His sister... Walking... "That's so great! I'm so happy for you!" And I was. Touji's sister would be okay. And Touji... may have a chance to live a normal life after all... I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks. "Geez, don't be such a wuss!" "Sorry..." I was just too happy. I got up and hugged my friend as best as I could. * * * "Oh! You're awake," said the nurse as she entered the room. I had used the call button to alert the nurse station a minute earlier. "Yes. And I'd like to leave now." While Touji had assured me that Rei and Asuka were okay, I felt the need to make sure myself, to see them. And I didn't want to wait any longer. "I'm sorry Ikari-kun, but I need authorization for that." Damn! "Did you receive orders to keep him here?" asked Touji. From what he had told me, he himself had tried to leave, but Misato had been against it, worried that he may not have been able to manage on his own yet. Touji had complained at first, but had eventually agreed she was right. "No, Suzuhara-kun. But we didn't receive authorization to let him go either." "But he's physically okay, right?" "Yes, he is." "Then, I guess you'll have to call your father, Shinji." Confused, I stared blankly at Touji. He just smiled. "Of course, the Commander will be pissed if he's woken up in the middle of the night. Well, I'm sure if Shinji talks to him, you may keep your job Miss..." What the hell was he saying? Then I noticed that the nurse seemed scared. "I'll... I'll be back with clothes for Ikari-kun..." The nurse left quickly. "Wha... what just happened?" "Every one here is afraid of your dad. I thought it would work." Then I finally understood what Touji had been trying to do. "Thanks!" * * * It wasn't long before the nurse had brought me a NERV uniform. It was kinda big for my small frame, but I didn't ask for more. I just wanted to get out. Which I did rather quickly after saying goodbye to Touji. I visited Misato's apartment first, to find it completely empty with the exception of Pen-Pen. Asuka probably slept over to Hikari's. As I made my way out, I groaned when I almost fell as I walked over one of Misato's empty beer cans. The apartment was a mess. The only clean rooms seemed to be my old one and Asuka's. I found it a bit odd, since Asuka was almost as bad as Misato and never kept her room in order, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I still had to visit Rei. Quietly, I slipped into Rei's apartment. It was still very early in the morning and I didn't want to wake her up. I had to make sure, however, that what Touji had told me was true. Gently, I opened the door to her room and took a peak. I could see a form under the sheets and a mass of blue hair on the pillow. No doubt, it was Rei. Satisfied, I walked to what was my designated room. The impulse to join her and hug her tightly was great, but I suppressed it. I didn't want to disturb her and I wasn't sure yet how to act around her. 'Some truths can hurt if a person is not ready to hear them.' I had said those words to Rei. She had only been listening to me. So how could I be angry at her? How could I hate her for trying to protect me? I would have to apologize to her. I had chased her away when all she tried to do was take care of me. She had done so much for me, offered everything to me, body, heart and soul, and I only repaid her love by acting like a jerk. I could only hope that she would eventually forgive me. Half lost in thought, I didn't really look where I was going, so when I entered the other bedroom, I didn't notice the pile of books, shoes, clothes and other stuff that laid on the floor, right behind the door. Completely taken by surprise, I lost my balance and fell. I landed right on top of something that was hard in some places and soft in others. I panicked as I felt it move, then groan. I opened my eyes (it seemed I had closed them in my fall) to see Asuka's blue eyes looking straight at me. 'Hey, baka Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful. I'm asking you. Come on!' A blurred image. Asuka, nude, smiling, leaning toward me... Where did those thoughts come from? It almost felt like... a memory. But it wasn't as clear, as if I had remembered part of a dream. "PERVERT!" This took me out of my brief daze. I soon realized that Asuka wasn't looking at me anymore but rather lower, toward her chest. I followed her gaze to realize that my right hand was... right on top of her breast. Oh no! Not this again! I'm dead. I tried to get up, but Asuka came up with the same idea and our heads ended up colliding against each other. Unconsciously, my hand tightened it's grip. "Eek! DIE!!!" I don't know how she managed, but Asuka ended up on top of me and jammed her fist in my face, followed by her knee in my crotch. That's when the lights in the room lit up, showing Rei at the door. At least, I think it was Rei, as it seemed I heard her and Asuka say in perfect synchronicity "Oh my God! Shinji!" before I fainted. * * * "Hey! I said I was sorry, okay! It was dark, I was still half asleep and he wasn't wearing his usual dumb clothes..." "I guess your reaction is understandable." "Of course it is!" "However, I do not understand how you did not recognize him. I know I would have." "It was dark!" "Maybe. But his eyes look the same in the dark. I think they are even more attractive..." "I don't know what you're talking about." "It is really a shame." "What does that mean? And what's with the blushing?!" "It is for me to know and you to find out." "Why you little..." As I regained my senses, I realized that Rei and Asuka were arguing. Immediately, it hit me as odd. This wasn't a violent argument like they already had a few times. It seemed more like... two good friends arguing. But that wasn't possible. Rei and Asuka rarely talked to each other. Them? Acting like friends? Impossible. "I hope you have not damaged him." "Damaged him? And why are you blushing again?!" "The... part... where you... hit him with your knee..." "Oh... Rei! You pervert!" "I just know what I want..." This was Rei talking? I knew she was usually quite bold with me, but with Asuka... Somehow, those words triggered a flash of memory, similar to the one I previously had with Asuka. But this time, I remembered a naked Rei. 'Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful.' This was odd. Where did these impressions came from? Maybe I should have stayed in the infirmary after all... "... and I know you want it also." "Don't talk about that! Geez, you're worse then the three stooges combined!" "It seems that our Shinji has regained consciousness. Or at least part of him. Apparently, I worried too much. From how it looks, it is most likely perfectly functional." My eyes flew open as I realized that Rei's words, not to mention the image in my mind of her naked, had caused some part of me to react. "You pervert!" I expected Asuka to hit me again, but instead, I was squeezed in a tight hug. Wow, things just seemed to get weirder and weirder... "Baka! You scared us to death! Don't ever do something stupid like that!" I felt another pair of arms encircling both me and Asuka. "We thought that we had lost you. Welcome back Shinji." I didn't know what to say. So I didn't say anything. I felt something wet fall on my cheek. A tear? Who was crying? Rei, Asuka? Did it really matter? Being hugged this way by the two girls I loved... it felt good. It was warm, very comfortable. I could get used to that. When the girls let go of me, I took the time to carefully look at them. Rei sat on her knees at my right. She wore a shirt I recognized as one of mine. Having spent time with her, I knew that she likely wore nothing underneath other than her silver cross. It seemed that she had put it on in a hurry, as she had missed a button. It reminded me of the first time we had slept together. She had missed that button then as well. As she noticed I was staring, she smiled cutely. Asuka was sitting on the floor Indian style. Thankfully, she was more dressed then Rei, wearing panties and her usual sleeping shirt, although it did show a LOT of cleavage. She was fuming a bit, probably because of the long seconds I had spent looking at Rei, but her expression softened into a smile as I turned to look at her. Overall, both girls seemed perfectly fine. Nothing was obviously broken, and there was no major scarring. I sighed in relief. However, I did notice what seemed to remain of almost healed bruises. I doubted it was related to the last Angel attack, Touji had told me it had occured a month ago. For a moment, I wondered where those bruises came from, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I remembered I had something important to do. I bowed down and pleaded their forgiveness. "Asuka. Rei. Forgive me." "Why?" asked the girls simultaneously. First I looked at Asuka in the eyes. "I... I apologize for the way I treated you that night at the lake. I should have tried to understand your reasons instead. I should have understood that it was all my fault... that... that the way I behaved had hurt your feelings. I'm... I'm sorry." Asuka seemed about to talk, but she stopped as she saw that I was now looking at Rei. "I shouldn't have been that mean to you, Rei. All you wanted to do... was protect me... because you care for me. I didn't understand. I yelled at you. I hurt you. I made you cry. I should never have done that. Forgive me." I bowed down again, awaiting their judgment. Instead, what they did next completely took me by surprise. "Ja. Ken. Po." I looked up, confused, to see that Rei had won. "Geez, what did you do, practice with Misato?" whined Asuka. "No. You are just predictable." "What!? Whatever... go ahead, you won." That was weird. I looked at them, puzzled. I was even more lost when Rei actually grinned at Asuka. In this state of mind, I really didn't expect Rei to kiss me. Out of force of habit, I accepted the kiss, until I remembered that Asuka was here. I froze and looked at her. She was frowning, but when she noticed my gaze, she nodded. I didn't understand what was going on, but it felt good to have Rei against me again, so I just gave in to her passion. And I have to say, there was a lot of passion in that kiss. "You are forgiven, my love," whispered Rei as our lips parted. Then, Rei left the room. I watched her go, then looked at Asuka. I froze again. She had that look... At that moment, I understood what a rabbit must feel when a hungry wolf looks at it. She literally jumped at me and pinned me to the floor. "My turn now." There was no point in resisting, so I submitted to her hungry lips. I didn't really have any reasons to resist anyway... * * * "Can one of you explain to me what's going on?" I asked, before taking a sip of my tea. Rei had had previously left us to prepare it. "What were you doing in my room?" I added, looking at Asuka. "Anta baka? (*) Isn't it obvious? I'm living here with Rei-chan!" I stared at her blankly. This must have been a dream. Asuka, calling Rei "Rei-chan"? Asuka, living with Rei? Without a doubt, it was a dream. That would also explain the kisses... "I believe he does not understand." "Why am I not surprised?" whined Asuka. A hit on the head confirmed that this was no dream. "Listen, baka Shinji! While you were... away... I moved in with Rei. It's as simple as that. Do you get it?" I nodded, although, I wasn't sure I really understood. "So you sleep in my room now?" "You seem to be catching on. About time..." "So, where do I sleep?" "Idiot! In your old room of course!" Seeing that I seemed to be still missing the point, Rei decided to take over the explanations. "Asuka and I solved our differences. I believe that we have become friends. We had long discussions between ourselves and with Major Katsuragi and we agreed that it would be easier for you if you lived in a place where neither of us would be your roommate." "We won't fight over you anymore, and we won't put any more pressure on you," added Asuka. "Those kisses we gave you... will be the last. Neither of us will try to be romantically involved with you until you make a choice," continued Rei. "Now, may the best girl win!" concluded Asuka, making a victory sign with her fingers. Rei sighed and tried to ignore her overly enthusiastic friend. "I... I..." I didn't know what to say. I would never have expected such a change of situation. As those words sank in, I realized that things would be different from now on. I didn't know what to think about that. It was a relief. I wouldn't have to fear hurting them. I wouldn't have to feel guilty when I spent time with one of them while the other was all alone. I wouldn't have the impression of betraying them. But I also realized that I wouldn't be able to hold them in my arms anymore. I would have to wake up in the morning and find myself alone. Worst of all, I would have to cook again... I chuckled at that last thought, drawing curious look from the girls. "So I take it that you won't sleep in my bed at night anymore?" Both girls nodded. Strange, they tended to have the same reactions ever since I woke Asuka up. Did Misato put them through a synchronization training like Asuka and I had to go through for the fight against the Seventh Angel? "It's going to feel weird." "You will get used to it. We did." "I see... Well... thanks... I guess..." An awkward silenced followed. I didn't really know what to say or do, and neither did either of the girls. After long moments we passed staring at each other in silence, Rei managed to break this uncomfortable atmosphere. "You should go back to your apartment to take a bath. It will be morning soon. You can come back here when when you are finished. Breakfast will be ready." "Yeah, go take a bath! That smell of LCL is really annoying. And get out of those clothes. NERV uniforms really don't suit you well..." This was probably the best thing for me to do. So I got up and made my way to the exit. But before I opened the door, I turned around to look at the girls. "I'll miss the old days, but I'm glad to see that you two get along now. And... I... I'm glad that you're alright. When I saw what the Angel did to your EVAs... I... I really worried. And I felt bad... for leaving you on your own to fight that thing. That's why... I came back. I... I won't leave anymore. Never again." The two girls smiled warmly. This was really a beautiful sight. I smiled myself, then left. * * * The water of the hot bath felt good and warm on my skin, embracing my body completely. I felt calm, relaxed. I let my head drift slowly under the water, until I was completely immersed. The feeling was not the same then begin in a entry plug full of LCL. The water seemed... pure, clean, fresh. I only emerged when I felt I couldn't hold my breath any longer and realized I was tempted to try and breathe the water. I guess it had become a habit. I leaned my head against the bath and closed my eyes. This felt so good... I drifted off to sleep. * * * A streetcar, familiar, heading toward some unknown destination. 'Why am I here again?' "Baka! Because you piloted EVA again, of course!" I raise my head to see Asuka facing me. She's wearing her yellow dress. Her face shows nothing but a scowl. 'That's right. I piloted EVA.' "You dislike piloting EVA. Why did you do it?" Rei is sitting at my side. Her face is like it had been a few months earlier. Cold and emotionless. 'Because... I want to protect you...' "We don't need your protection, you jerk!" 'I don't want to see you hurt...' "But you already hurt us. You ran away from us, after hurting our feelings. You are no better than Him." Rei gets up and walks to Asuka's side. Father appears behind them, puts a gloved hand on each girls' waist. "Now that you are gone, I can use those pawns in any way I wish." He leans his face toward Rei's. She looks at him, her eyes empty of emotions. Then his lips meet hers. I close my eyes, not wanting to see them. "So, I was right, Wonder Girl is no more then the Commander's doll..." 'STOP THAT!' "The only thing you know is how to hurt them." I open my eyes hearing this new voice. I recognize this person. The gray-haired girl. "The longer you stall you decision, the longer you make them suffer." 'I... I don't want that.' "Knowing this makes you suffer as well." 'Yes.' "But if you don't go back to them, they will forget. And you won't feel pain anymore." 'Won't I?' "They'll always be with you...' 'With me?' "Forever." 'Forever?' "Hey, baka Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful. I'm asking you. Come on!" Asuka is at my right, completely nude. She leans on me, I feel her breasts against my arm. "Shinji. Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul? It feels so wonderful." At my left is Rei, equally nude, equally beautiful. "Do you want to become one with me?" "Do you want us to become one in body and soul?" "It feels so wonderful." I can feel them, their hands roaming all over me. I feel at peace. But strangely, I also feel very cold. "Come on, now. Relax. Surrender your mind." I am ready to let myself be lost in their embrace. Everything around me seems to darken. I feel numb, but light. I feel... free. "If you run away from reality, then you will lose them forever." I open my eyes, just a moment before loosing all sensations in my body. A little girl is floating in the darkness that now surrounds me. She stares at me. She looks like a younger version of Rei, but not quite. Her hair is brown and her eyes are blue, dark blue. Still, she seems... familiar. That warm smile... "Those are only shadows. Images created in your mind by EVA to keep you here. Illusions that EVA weaves to trap people. People like me. They are not those you love. Can't you tell?" I look at Rei and Asuka. And I see. Their eyes are cold. As are their bodies. 'These are... illusions.' Rei and Asuka disappear. I can now hear a heart beating. Warm. I feel warm now. "Do not let yourself be tempted by EVA." A scent. A very familiar scent. Rei? Asuka? Misato? No. Someone else... 'Mother!' She's close, so close... 'Mother!!! I'm coming Mother!' "No, you mustn't. That's not your destiny. You must go back. To protect them. To give them your love." 'But I'll hurt them...' "It doesn't matter. They need you. As you need them." A voice. I hear a faint voice. A familiar voice. But not it's not Mother's... Someone... almost as important... 'Shinji! Give back my Shinji! Give him back...' Mi... Misato...? "You must go back. They need you. Protect them well. I will help if I can..." Mother? "Go now." * * * I woke up with a start. This wasn't a dream. I was sure of it. Somehow, this had happened. While I had been in EVA. It had been real. Mother. Was she... was she... inside... EVA? This feeling of warmth I had always felt, each time I synchronized with EVA, was it... her? Was this why Unit-01 kept protecting me? But... how did this happen? Mother was supposed to be... dead. How could she be... in EVA? This didn't make sense. Yet... in a way... I knew it was true. So many questions. And the only one who had the answers wouldn't probably give them to me... "I... I won't let you down... Mother. I'll keep them safe..." I would finish this, I would fight all the remaining Angels, then I would seek the truth. Until then... I would keep all that I knew only to myself. "Thank you... Mother." * * * I was finishing drying my hair when I heard the door of the apartment open. Then I saw a blur of red, black and purple and next thing I knew, I was squeezed into a powerful hug. "Shinji! Here you are! I was so worried..." I tried to say something, but the fact that my face was embedded into Misato's ample bosom didn't make such an action possible. I know some people would have been envious if they had seen this scene, but quite frankly, I would rather have been able to breathe... "Shinji..." I squirmed to escape. Only after a few seconds did Misato realize exactly what she was doing and let me go. Once I had filled my lungs with fresh air, I looked at her. She wasn't crying, but she seemed on the verge to. She gave me a warm smile, then she took a more serious expression. That wasn't good... "Don't you ever dare leave the infirmary again without my authorization, young man!" Facing that side of Misato, I suddenly felt really, really small... I looked down at the floor and mumbled an apology. "Go... gomen..." "It's okay Shinji..." As I raised my head to look at her again, her warm smile was back. "You just had us worried. Until I saw Touji, I thought that you had ran away..." "I'll never run away again, Misato. I... I've now found a reason to pilot." Misato sighed in relief. I guess this took some weight off her shoulders. "That's good, Shinji. Now, get ready, you need to come to NERV. Ritsuko wants to run a few tests on you, just to make sure there are no side-effects from what happened. You know what happened, don't you?" "Touji told me." "You don't remember anything?" I thought about those flashbacks I've been having recently... "I... I... No. I don't remember..." I hated lying to her. But I couldn't tell her about that. What had happened was so weird. And I didn't want the Commander to know... that I knew. "I see..." Misato clearly wasn't buying what I just told her, but she didn't insist on asking questions. I was grateful. However, I would have to be more careful with Dr. Akagi. "Can... can I at least eat breakfast. Rei said... well... she prepared breakfast..." Misato smiled. "I guess a few more minutes wont hurt." * * * I think the girls were more pleased to see me back than I had imagined. When I went back to Rei's... no... *their* apartment, a huge breakfast was waiting for me. On one side of the table, I could see traditional Japanese cuisine: miso soup, fish, rice balls... The other side of the table hosted western style meals: omelets, sausages, bacon... In the middle lay a plate of toasts with different kind of jam. Behind the table, both girls waited, each of them wearing aprons, expectation in their eyes. Didn't they say that they wouldn't fight for me anymore? As I sat at the table, I was faced with a cruel dilemma. Which food should I taste first. I already knew that Rei's food was excellent, and I could guess that the Japanese meals were her doing. I could recognize her miso soup simply from the smell. Asuka's cooking however... She never really bothered to cook back when she lived with me and Misato. I didn't know what to expect. But the worst part of the dilemma was that I was afraid to hurt one of the girls by tasting the other girl's food first. Well, no real choice. I had to start with something... "Rei, I already know that the meals you cook are always excellent. You don't mind if start with Asuka's cooking, do you?" Rei blushed slightly at the compliment. "No... not at all.." So I picked up a fork and took a piece of the omelet. I was more used to chopsticks, but I still managed to get a big bite out of it. It was rather spicy, but otherwise, quite good. "That's very good Asuka," I complimented. It was now her turn to blush. "You never told us you could cook so well." "Well, I couldn't really. But I took the time to teach myself. I like Rei's cooking, but I'm not a vegetarian like her. I need some meat from time to time! And I was tired of Japanese food!" "I see." I had to admit that I was a bit disappointed. After all, Rei had learned to cook to please me. I let out a small sigh. I was stupid. It was rather dumb, not to mention selfish, to expect them to only do things to please me. They had their own lives after all... Maybe it was my turn to try and do something for them... "What day is it, anyway?" I asked between taking sips of Rei's soup and bites from Asuka's omelet, the soup helping to wash down the spices. "Friday." "So both of you are free tomorrow, right?" Both girls nodded and gave me quizzical looks. "Then I can take both of you out tomorrow?" Asuka's eyes lit up. "Where?! Where?!" "Er... Any place you girls want to go." The girls looked at each other... and grinned. It was such a strange sight it was almost scary. Suddenly, I expected the worst. * * * "What happened between Rei and Asuka?" I asked, while Misato was driving us to NERV. She seemed slightly perturbed by this question, as she slowed down. "Well... they've become friends..." "I saw that. And that's what they told me. But... I have the impression something isn't right here. I mean... they were practically enemies. I just... can't believe things have changed... so much." "You've got to understand how much they care about you, Shinji. When I told them that you had been... absorbed... into EVA... they didn't take it well. Especially since we had no idea at the time if we could get you out or not. It's been hard... for everyone." Misato's expression slightly darkened. I knew that she was talking about herself as well. "I... I'm sorry." "It's not your fault..." She took her eyes off the road an instant to smile at me. Pedestrians leapt for safety. "Rei quickly reverted to her old self," explained Misato. "It became hard to get more than a 'yes' or 'no' out of her mouth. I know that her friend Hotaru was worried about her. Even before she got interested in you, Rei had showed some spark of life from time to time. But when she learned that you may not come back... she just seemed completely drained of all life. I was worried about her myself." Was it because she had thought I wouldn't come back? If I ever chose Asuka... would she be like that again? "Asuka became much more aggressive than usual. She didn't want to believe in the possibility that you might be 'dead' and kept ranting about how you were a jerk, killing that Angel then running off so that she couldn't beat you to a pulp." I couldn't help but smile at that, thinking at what had happened this morning. She had, indeed, beat me up. "I think both of them felt guilty that they had failed to stop that Angel, therefore protect you. They were getting dangerously depressed. One night, I think we were out of food. We... neglected to buy some. I was... well... drunk... so I told Asuka to go to Rei's to borrow something to eat. I didn't see Asuka until the next day." Misato made a long pause. I started to worry. "I found them in the morning on the floor of Rei's apartment, in each others arms. Their clothes were all messed up and they were covered in bruises and some blood. From what they were willing to tell me later, they had an argument over Rei wearing one of your shirts. The argument deteriorated as they started to blame each other about what had happened, how badly they treated you and how they had been incompetent to protect you. But when I saw them in the infirmary, after they woke up... they seemed... changed... like they were... friends. My guess is that they had solved their differences during that fight. I can't be sure, they don't want to talk about it. When I think back at the first time I saw them hugging each other... it was a rather... disturbing sight." I nodded, having felt the same way myself all morning. "And so, Asuka moved in with Rei?" "After a few days. It seemed like the best way for their friendship to live through their competition over you." "I see..." So they had fought over me. No wonder they didn't want to tell me. "You're lucky Shinji. They both love you very much." "I know Misato-san." I smiled again. Yes, life was complicated, but it felt good to know that someone cared about me. "We're here," announced Misato, as she parked her car into it's designated place. The prospect of having to go through Dr. Akagi's tests was not a pleasant one, but I was still smiling when we joined her. * * * As I had expected, Dr. Akagi's tests were very boring and very tiring. She took I don't know how many fluid and other kind of samples, then had me go through dozens of different machines, before finally giving me a plug suit and shoving me into an entry plug for synch and harmonics testing. The results? If we didn't consider my synch ratio being lower by one point, everything was all normal. So, I had been bored to death just for nothing. I chuckled at the thought. Asuka was usually the one who would complain about that. Once I was freed from all of the doctor's tests, I came back to the apartment to realize that my trials were far from over. I sighed in desperation as I looked at the battlefield Misato called home. Images of Rei's perfectly cleaned apartment came to mind. I sighed again. In resignation, I started to pick up empty beer cans. School would be over in less then two hours. It was enough time to at least give the place a better look. My projections happened to be right, as I managed to roughly clean everything up in an hour and a half. Tired, I retired to my room. I was about to let myself slump on my bed, when I realized something was wrong. This place was clean. Really clean. No dust. You could smell it in the air. A look around confirmed that everything that I owned seemed to be here, except maybe the shirt Rei apparently had permanently borrowed. I'd have to ask her about that. I was curious to know why she had kept one of my shirts. Was it in order to somehow feel me close to her? In a corner of the room, I noticed my cello. It wasn't in the right place, so I picked it up to move it, but changed my mind and exited my room with it in hand and sat down on a chair in the kitchen. The last time I had played, it had been with a depressed mind. I felt happy now. I wanted to see if the feeling of playing it would be different. It did. The melody was nicer, more joyful. I seemed to be playing better than usual. I closed my eyes and lost myself in playing the instrument. I only opened my eyes when I heard the door's apartment open. Rei walked in, smiling, followed by an Asuka most clearly in a foul mood. She kept mumbling to herself and I could sometimes pick up a few German curses. Apparently, it had not been a good school day for her. "Are we interrupting you?" asked Rei. I realized that I had stopped playing. "I... I was just practicing a bit... I can stop..." "No. Go on." I looked at Rei. She just smiled. Then I looked at Asuka. She gave me a "I don't care" look. So, I resumed my playing, pulling the bow across the strings of my cello, the rich, deep chords rumbling throughout the small apartment. I regretted not having practiced more, listening to the occasional sour note that snuck past despite my best intentions. It wasn't often I had an audience, and I really wanted to play well for them. Rei sat on her knees, watching me play from the living room. Her expression was the same as it always was, but the interest in her red eyes was genuine. I started to wonder if she'd actually ever sat down and listened to music before. I mean, just listened to it. I was sure she'd heard music in her life, but she showed such interest now that I was beginning to think that she might not have realized what it was for before now. Her eyes watched the movements of my hands on the strings with rap concentration. She seemed enthralled with the variety of notes that a single pass of the bow could entail. A moment later her eyes rose to look into mine, and she smiled. It seemed like a smile of thanks for this new experience. I smiled back. Glancing slightly beyond the blue-haired girl, I looked at the other figure present. Unlike Rei, who was sitting straight and proper, Asuka had sprawled herself across as much floor space as possible. Arms and legs thrown outwards from her body, she lay on her back and looked up at the ceiling, the very image of relaxed energy. I had expected Asuka to grow tired of my playing and tell me to stop that noise, but she didn't. She just stayed there, lying on the floor. I snuck glances at her throughout my presentation and noticed that her features seemed to slowly relax and shift to a small smile of contentment. Seeing this made the smile on my own face grow larger, but I quickly ducked my head. Better make sure that she didn't see my grin and somehow guess the 'music soothes the savage beast' line that kept dancing through my head. I wasn't interested in again feeling the fury of her fists. I played like this for probably fifteen minutes. On the floor, Asuka seemed to be slowly falling asleep. A bit closer to me, Rei had closed her eyes, but the smile on her face showed that she was still enjoying my music. This peaceful atmosphere was soon broken by the arrival of Misato. "Hi guys!" Then, Misato froze at this scene of peace and calmness that we were displaying. This was not something you could usually see in the Katsuragi household. "Thank you," whispered Rei, before getting up and heading for the kitchen where she started to make some tea. Asuka regained her senses and ran toward the telephone, leaving me with the Major. "Well, I see that you guys are all here, so we can now have our big dinner party!" said Misato, all smiles. "Party?" I asked, a bit suspicious of her intentions. "Don't worry! Just the four of us. And I won't get drunk, I promise!" Katsuragi Misato? Promising not to get drunk? Now, that was something... "The food will be delivered in a few minutes!" announced Asuka as she came back to the living room. "Take out?" I asked, surprised. We rarely ate take out. Especially since Rei and I usually took care of all the cooking. And now that Asuka seemed to know how to cook, it seemed even more odd. "Anta baka? It's a dinner party! You don't expect us to cook, do you?" I guess her reasoning made sense. * * * True to Asuka's words, the food soon arrived and we took places around the low table in the living room. Misato was facing me, while I had Rei and Asuka at my sides. "Feels strange. I had almost forgotten the taste of tea..." It was strange indeed to see Misato drinking tea instead of beer or coffee. "You should stop drinking alcohol. It is damaging to your health." "Yeah, I know Rei... maybe I will..." Misato took another long sip of tea, before speaking again, a wide smile on her face. "Shinji... Asuka... Rei... you guys are like the children I never had... and probably never will. I... I'm glad we're finally all together again. There are only three Angels left now. I truly hope that we can have a similar dinner once they are defeated. This is my wish." "Come on, Misato! You're still young! I'm sure Kaji would be delighted to give you one or two babies of your own..." said Asuka, a wide grin almost splitting her face in two. Usually, Misato was the one who would tease us. But now, it was her turn to blush like a tomato. "What?! It's... it's not like that..." "Where were you last night?" Misato face was suddenly as pale as Rei's. "Er... Well... Who... who would want to have children of his anyway?!" "If it wasn't for Shin-chan, maybe I wouldn't mind." Everyone at that table, with the exception of Asuka, were suddenly speechless. "But I'd rather have one from Shin-chan..." I gulped. Rei glared at Asuka. I didn't think she liked the way this discussion was going. I know I sure didn't... "I wonder what it would look like? Maybe a cute little girl with my hair and his dark blue eyes..." Asuka had an almost dreamy expression on her face. It was really scary. "Hey, Rei-chan? If you had a kid with Shin-chan here, what do you think it would look like?" asked Asuka with a grin, now back to her usual self. Rei's reaction probably wasn't what Asuka expected it to be. Her chopsticks fell on the table. Her expression changed from a calm one to one of utter sadness. Tears rolled freely from her cheeks and fell in her plate. "Rei?" As if the mention of her name had pulled her out of a daze, she got up and rushed out of the apartment. We stood there, lost and confused over what just happened. "What's with her? I... I wasn't serious. I'm not even interested in having children. All I want is to pilot EVA..." "I don't know. I'll... I'll go after her. Excuse me." That look on her face... I had to know what was wrong. I think that Asuka tried to come along, but Misato told her to stay. * * * I found Rei in her room, her face buried in her pillow, crying like I had never seen her cry. I approached her in silence, not knowing what to do, or what to say. "Rei..." I put a hand on her shoulder, then moved it to her head, where I caressed her soft unruly blue hair. "What's wrong Rei?"" She turned her head a bit and looked at me. I felt as if my heart would break. "Rei..." "I... I... I..." The words just kept dying in her mouth. Again she started to cry. Not knowing what else to do, I took her in my arms. I felt her grip my shirt tightly and she cried hard against my shoulder, until she cried herself asleep. * * * The next morning, Rei apparently felt better. She came to Misato's and asked us to forgive her outburst. When we asked what had happened, she simply said that she didn't want to explain. We didn't push the matter further, but from the look on Misato's face, I could tell that she didn't want to give up yet. I wasn't sure if she was worried as our guardian, or as our commanding officer. Maybe both. After breakfast, the girls enlightened me as to their plans for the day. At first, Asuka seemed a bit uneasy, I guessed she felt guilty for whatever had happened the night before, but the prospect of the day's activities quickly made her forget all about that incident. Their plans were really quite simple. It wasn't really a surprise, with Tokyo-3 getting more and more deserted, there wasn't much to do here. First they wanted to go to the mall for shopping... "The mall?" "Yes! We really need to buy you some new clothes!" "Buy me some clothes? What's wrong with my clothes?" "You always wear the same clothes," answered Rei flatly. "You have no style at all! Just those damn school shirts and some occasional T-shirts!" "But I don't need new clothes!" "Did Rei need new clothes?" asked Asuka, pointing at Rei who today was wearing a blue dress with long black leather boots, most likely picked up by Misato. I didn't know what to say. Rei did look cute. So I just shut up and let myself be dragged along. The rest of the day had been planned as simply as well. We would carry back our packages to the apartment and have lunch here, then go back and spend whatever money we would have left at the mall again, then come back to the apartment, then I would treat them to dinner and finally we would go watch a movie. And if we weren't too tired, Asuka wanted to try some discotheque she had heard about before it would be closed down. Rei and I shared worried looks. I didn't really know how to dance and she seemed to be in the same situation. We both sighed as our redhead companion lead us toward the mall. * * * I sighed as the girls finally left me alone one moment to enter into a lingerie shop. "No perverts allowed" was the warning Asuka gave me. Frankly, I had to admit, this was the last place I wanted to follow them in. If I did, I was sure that they would take an immense pleasure into torturing me by asking me to judge what would look the best. They had already teased me enough when they had tried the swimsuits... It had been pleasant to look at, but I found myself blushing too often for my liking. I sighed again. Dealing with one was difficult already. Dealing with both of them at the same time was exhausting... I was seeking some place to crash down when suddenly, something caught my eye. I'm not sure yet why. Maybe part of me longed for a definitive end to this situation. One thing was sure, whatever it was, something prompted me to look closer at the window of that small jewelry store; more precisely at the engagement ring that was displayed there. It was rather simple. A gold ring mounted by a single diamond. But still, I felt attracted to it. Minutes later, I carried it in one of my pockets. However, I still had to choose who I was going to give it to... [To be continued...] Next time: The One I Love Is... Chapter 8 - Broken Hearts Omake: Shinji relaxed into the bath, ducking his head under the water. After a bit, he came back up, albeit reluctantly. He lazily rested his head against the back of the tub and fell asleep. "Do you want to become one with me?" A naked Touji asked as he leaned forward. Needless to say, Shinji freaked out and snapped awake, but not in that order. Holding his head in his hands, Shinji promised never to read Rei's collection of Yaoi manga ever again. (My thanks to Godsend777 for this little omake) Author's notes: Some may wonder about what exactly happened between Rei and Asuka. I agree, it seems very sudden. But don't forget, this is from Shinji's perspective. He wasn't there to witness a thing. However, Axel Terizaki wrote a side story for me to cover this "gap". It's available on the TOILI website (URL on top of this file). The name Mari, for Touji's sister, was taken from the well known "Neon Genesis Evangellydonut", by Andrew Huang, from part 3.5. It's cute and I've seen it used in other fics. One of my partners, Godsend777, used it himself for his TOILI side story, "For the sake of love and duty". For the sake of continuity, not to mention because it's a cute name and I was too lazy to try to think of some other name, I used it. But first of all, I would rather like to think of it as a small tribute to Andrew's work (yep! You all guessed right, the question you see in a lot of fics... "When can we expect the next chapter of Evangellydonut, Andrew?" - if he answers that, I'll be overjoyed, that means he read TOILI... ^_^ ). Those who have read "All I want is you", Jeremy's Chapter 6 lemon side story, will have recognised Rei's reaction near the end of part 2. It was something I had intended to include in TOILI almost from the beginning, but couldn't find a place until now. However, I decided to make it vague, so that it could lead to possible scenarios for those who haven't read the lemon. The intent of that plot device is to show that Rei isn't perfect. Many people where under that impression with the first chapters of TOILI. However, with chapter six and now seven, we see that Rei has her flaws like Asuka does, that she is afraid and doesn't trust Shinji enough to expose her secrets, even if she does love him. Keeping the truth locked away is more secure then risk facing the pain of loosing Shinji. I've seen Rei being described as the incarnation of innocence. I disagree. Someone truly innocent would never had secrets to begin with. This doesn't mean that Rei is bad. It only means that she is human. Which, in my opinion, is much more attractive. --- Translation notes: Gomen : "Sorry". This time, one of Shinji's trademark "lines". Alain Gravel rakna@globetrotte.qc.ca August 27th 1999 Started on June 28th 1999 First pre-reader draft, Part 1, finished on August 13th 1999 First pre-reader draft, Part 2, finished on August 27th 1999 Second pre-reader draft, finished on August 31st 1999 Final draft, finished on September 10th 1999 Final revisions on March 13th 2000