From: "Rakna" The One I Love Is... Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you Written by Alain Gravel Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/ WARNING: This chapter contains lemon/lime elements. ======================================================================= Chapter 9 - Shattered mind / I'm here for you Sitting in a transport on my way home, I stared into space. I was worried about the results of today's tests. Rei had maintained her score. Mine had increased. But Asuka's ratio had taken a fall. I noticed that it had seemed to be dropping slowly ever since the Fourteenth Angel's attack, but it had never been this bad. A few points lower and she wouldn't be able to start her EVA. And I couldn't forget what had just happened a few minutes earlier... * * * "You must be happy. You increased your score. Again. Now that the little bitch Asuka can't pilot her EVA, it's just you and Wonder Girl! Oh... but you don't need Wonder Girl... you're the invincible Shinji after all! They don't need us girls anymore. We don't have to do anything. They only need Shinji! He cooks, cleans, and kills Angels! If Shinji is there, everything will be alright!" We had been riding in an elevator quietly for a few moments now, on our way to exit NERV, when Asuka suddenly exploded. It took me completely by surprise and I just stared dumbly at her. This just made her even angrier. "Don't give me that dumb clueless look, you jerk!" "I... I'm sorry." Hard and swift, she slapped me. The surprise and strength of the blow were enough to make me fall on my back. I didn't even have to look to know that my cheek would be bruised and swollen for a long time. It hurt a lot. As I raised a hand to touch where her hand had connected with my face, a look of shock and horror washed over the girl. "Mein Gott! Shinji!" She knelt down and made me wince as her fingers touched my cheek. "I... I'm sorry... I... I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry!" That's when it first occurred to me that something was really wrong with Asuka. "It's okay," I said, trying to smile despite the pain. "Doesn't even hurt." "Liar." I shrugged. I stood and reached a hand down to help her up when the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. Outside the elevator, Lieutenant Ibuki stared at us, a slight expression of shock and a blush slowly showing on her face. I didn't even want to find out what kind of thought went through her head. Asuka got to her feet and we both left the elevator very quickly. "You seem upset with something..." I said without really thinking, as we walked toward the exit. "Of course I'm upset! How would you feel, Shinji, if you devoted your whole life to something and it didn't pay off? I've been training to be an Eva pilot for ten years. Ten years, Shinji! I should be the best! I worked at it, damn it! I worked hard for it! But instead, you, who's been piloting for less than a year, can beat me! And you're not even trying! What the hell was I doing, if I can get beaten by some jerk they grabbed off the street?!" I didn't really know what to say. "Asuka... I... I'm sorry..." "Don't give me that look! The last thing I want is your pity, Third Children!" That said, she stormed off... * * * "Is there something wrong, Shinji?" I blinked, pulled out of my daze, then noticed that Rei was now sitting at my side. Had I been so out of it that I didn't notice her? "Rei-chan... I'm... I'm worried about Asuka. Her results today... and she doesn't seem to be her usual self..." There was a glint of concern in her eyes. "Yes. I have noticed. Her life has always been centered around piloting EVA. But lately she has been feeling like her world is slipping away. On every mission you have outperformed her." "That's not true!" She shook her head. "Yes, it is, and you know it. The battle against the Sixth angel was won because you where in Unit-02 with her (1). She may not have succeeded alone. She was the one who had to work the hardest in order to synch with you for the Seventh operation. She would have died in the Eight mission without you. While she killed the Tenth, you were the one who caught it, thus saving everyone. Unit-01 also destroyed the Thirteenth and Fourteenth while she had been severely beaten in those battles. And since the Twelfth angel, your synch ratio had been slowly getting higher than her own. Her pride and joy was to be the best EVA pilot. But *you* are the best now. Therefore, in her mind, she has became useless." Asuka? Useless? Hardly! "But it's not true! We're a team! Who cares who's the best pilot?!" "She does. And now, she must also compete with me for you. And for weeks, you have been stalling you decision. In her mind, it is another sign of failure, even if she has not been rejected." I gasped at those words. "Are you saying it's all my fault?" "No. I am only telling you what she is probably thinking." "What are you saying then? That I should choose her and make you unhappy just to help her?" "No. I would not sacrifice you for her happiness." There was resolve in her eyes. I knew that she would not give up unless I told her to. "What can I do then?" The blue haired girl smiled. "Just be yourself. The caring Shinji we both love." "... You think that'll be enough?" I asked. Just being myself seemed such a... pathetic thing to do. "It will be enough. Just by being there for us, you have already made our lives better. Have faith in yourself." "But Asuka-" She put a soft hand on mine. "Will come around. Her emotions are strong, but they do not control her. She will come to realize that this is not a competition. All she needs is some time." "You think so?" I asked, a touch of hope in my voice. She nodded, the gentle smile still on her face. "Thanks Rei-chan..." I hugged her and she hugged me back. I was glad I had this talk with Rei. I didn't feel as worried after that. Surely, there would be a way to work things out. "There might be something else..." This snapped me back to reality and got me worried again. "What is it?" "She acted in an unusual manner when we came back from your apartment, the night... the Major cried. Asuka looked upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she admitted that she felt guilty leaving you alone to take care of the Major. But... I sensed that there was more. There was a strange expression on her face..." "A strange expression?" "Yes, I also noticed it a few day later when she she received a call from Germany." Germany? "I believe the dreams started afterward." "The dreams?" "Yes. Nightmares, I believe. She cries sometimes in her sleep. But she does not know it." Asuka, crying in her sleep... I had seen her cry once, the night before our synchronized attack against the Seventh Angel. But she had only shed a single tear. She had also asked for her mother in her sleep. Could this be related to what Rei had just told me? A call from Germany... could it be... her mother? And about Misato... could the way I took care of Misato reminded her of her own mother? Maybe she was homesick. I realized that I knew very little about Asuka. All of a sudden, the emergency alarms came to life. "An Angel?" Rei and I asked simultaneously. To confirm it, our cell phones rang. Geez, what a day! Having spent the last few hours soaking in LCL, we were about to go back for more and maybe even get ourselves killed. How joyful... * * * I was bored. This is a strange thing to say, if you consider that we were in the middle of an emergency, but this was how I felt. With the freeze on Unit-01 still active, all I could do was sit in the plug and listen to the open comm. frequency. I wasn't really interested in going into combat, but I would have preferred to go with the girls than sit here and feel utterly useless and powerless. I wished I'd brought my SDAT. Actually, the LCL would probably have wrecked it, but I could've done with some music then. Over the comm. line, I could hear Misato and Asuka having an argument about the mission. Misato wanted Asuka to cover Rei, which made sense with her low synchronization ratio, but Asuka didn't take the idea very well. As usual, she overreacted and took the point position against Misato's orders. I was worried. Asuka was too reckless. But I knew that if I was to tell her that, she would be even more angry. So I kept my mouth shut. Asuka reached the surface and prepared Unit-02 for the Angel's attack. Then there was nothing to do but wait. For a while, she complained about how lazy the Angel was. This particular Angel had decided to stay in orbit over Tokyo-3. Not much Asuka could do about that. Then she screamed. Very loudly. In pain. My heart skipped a beat. "No! Don't! Don't come into my head! Please! Don't! Don't look into mind! Noooo!!!!" What the hell? Dammit, what was going on? What was that Angel doing to her? What was Rei doing? Wasn't she supposed to back Asuka up? "Misato! What's going on out there?" "Not now, Shinji!" Her voice seemed really tense. This didn't calm me down one bit. Her next words even less. "Asuka, retreat!" "No!" She really sounded as if she was in pain. Why didn't she obey Misato's orders? "This is an order! Asuka, I order you to retreat!" "No, never! I'd rather die here than retreat!" "Asuka!" Damn her pride! I knew that piloting meant the world to her... but was it really worth dying for? On impulse I opened a channel with Unit- 02, and froze at what I saw. The entry plug of Unit-02 seemed to be bathed in a bright light. Asuka was clutching her head with both hands, obviously in great pain. "Asuka! Please, listen to Misato... please... retreat..." "Shinji?!" Asuka raised her head slightly, her eyes searching for the communication screen labelled 'From EVA-01.' I couldn't see the tears, they instantly dissipated within the LCL, but I could tell that she was crying. "Asuka... you're only hurting yourself... please, I beg you... retreat... I... I don't want to see you suffer... please..." "Shinji..." She seemed about to agree when she screamed again, clutching her head tighter, unconsciously pulling her knees to her chest. "Nooo! Don't make me remember! I want to forget, so don't dig into my memories! I don't want to remember such terrible things! Stop! Stop!" I terminated the connection, unable to see her suffer like this any longer. "Rei! Hurry up!" I screamed, as I opened a comm. link with Unit-00. Rei seemed very tense under the pressure of the situation. I probably wasn't helping, but all I could think of was that Asuka needed help. Fast. I saw her pull the trigger. I held my breath and hoped this would work. "No effect!" I heard Shigeru say. "Not enough energy to break through the AT field from this great a distance!" Dammit! Damn it all! "Misato, let me go out in Unit-01!" I was desperate. Something had to be done! "Shinji..." "No." This voice. Father. "This Angel invades the mind of pilots," explained sub-commander Fuyutsuki. "It would be too dangerous." "Unit-01 must not be allowed to be contaminated by this Angel," added the Commander. I didn't give a damn about his reasons. Unit-01 had already done miracles in the past. It would again. I had confidence in it. It would save Asuka... "I don't care! I'll go out and kill that Angel. I won't be defeated!" "There is no guarantee." "But, if this goes on, Asuka will..." "No." I knew he wouldn't change his mind. That bastard wouldn't... Damn! Damn! Damn! Why? Why did this man had to be my father? Why couldn't he be more like Kaji? He would have let me go... What would Kaji have done in my place? He wouldn't have listen to Father. He would have done everything in his power to save his loved one. I had to go! I had to save Asuka! I had to... Unit-01 had already activated twice without power. But the last time, if what I had been told was the truth, I almost died... I didn't care. I tried to think back to that moment Unit-01 reactivated when I had been fighting the 14th Angel. There had been something... a feeling... a connection. Warmth, before darkness. I couldn't find this feeling. I could still hear Asuka. She was now sobbing. Her voice was very weak. "My mind has been sullied. Shinji... it's polluted. What should I do? My mind has been polluted... I... I want to die..." "No!" I didn't realize it, but I was now crying myself. "Asuka! No! NO!" Frantically, I pulled at the EVA's controls. But the beast stayed still. "Mother... please... I need your help... Mother!" Suddenly, I felt it. The connection. Yes, it was there. Mentally, I reached for it. The warmth. My mind almost felt as if it had been engulfed by pure light. Unit-01 activated. I had synchronized with the EVA, without help from the Control Center, and I was still there. It didn't go berserk, I didn't pass out and, as I looked at my hands, it seemed I was still physically there. I was in perfect control. "Shinji! What the hell are you doing?!" shouted a now frantic Misato. "I'm going up there to save Asuka! Release Unit-01 or I'll just break free myself!" "No." Again, the firm voice of the Commander. "You will stay where you are. Rei will take care of the rescue operation. Rei, go to Dogma and get the Lance." "Hai." I clenched my fists. I couldn't believe he didn't take me seriously! "I said to let me go, Father!" "You will only be in the way. This operation will not fail." "Damn you!" I was about to break the EVA's restraints, when Rei's communication screen appeared. "Let me handle this. Trust me." There was resolve in her eyes. She knew what she was doing. Reluctantly, I let go of the EVA's controls. "Alright... please, hurry..." "I will." * * * Rei did exactly as she had said. Unit-00 came out of the ground, holding a giant red two-pronged spear. It was called the Lance of Longinus, I later learned. With all the strength her EVA could muster, Rei threw the lance. It literally ripped through the sky, then through the Angel's AT-Field and the Angel itself. It ceased to be. Asuka's nightmare was over. But it had opened deep, forgotten scars and these hurt more than a simple physical attack could have. * * * As I reached the surface, I found Asuka behind a yellow quarantine tape, sitting on the ground, legs pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around her shins, and chin resting on her knees. She was rocking back and forth slightly, in silence. This sight... worried me. I approached the quarantine zone, but didn't dare step past the tape. "I... I'm glad you're okay... Asuka." Man, what a stupid thing to say. But it's all that came to my mind at the moment. Probably because it was true. "Shut up! Who are you calling okay? I... I couldn't do a thing... and I was... rescued by HER! Rescued by that bitch, Rei! I would have rather died! I hate... hate... everyone... everything... I... I hate you..." Her last words had been barely louder than a whisper, before she started sobbing. I knew that she didn't mean what she had said; no, I hoped she didn't mean what she had said, but I found myself unable to give any importance to her words. The only thing that mattered was that Asuka was hurt. The quarantine zone became irrelevant to me. I ignored the warning to keep away from there. Asuka was hurt. Not physically, but in a way that was even worse. And I didn't know if I could even help her at all. But I had to try. The sobbing stopped. I felt a flicker of hope. Maybe she would be alright. I said her name as I reached for her. "Go away." She said the words, but there was no conviction behind them. No strength. Nothing. Just empty words. She had no reaction. "Asuka..." Nothing again. "Asuka!" No reaction. Part of me panicked. Something was wrong. I pulled one of her arms. No resistance whatsoever. I knew that staying here was a bad idea. She needed help. Quarantine be damned! I picked her up in my arms, in a manner similar to the way I had done it months ago, after our first date. Then, I noticed her eyes, they way they almost seemed devoid of all life. It made me think of a small flame, about to be extinguished by a gust of wind. If I hadn't been scared so far, I was then. I held her tightly in my arms and ran toward the nearest entrance to NERV, not even noticing that I had far more strength than I would ever have suspected. I stopped suddenly, as I noticed someone leaning next to the entrance. The grey-haired girl. I wasn't really in the calmest mood, so I snapped. "What do you want with me?!" She just smiled, that warm smile of hers, as her red gaze bore into mine. Despite the situation, I relaxed, for a while, until I felt Asuka moving slightly in my arms. I snapped of what had almost felt like a trance. Then, without a word, the girl left. I felt a bit confused, but I had more pressing matters to settle. So I continued my race toward NERV's infirmary. * * * "Shinji. You should sit down." I looked at Misato, surprised. How long had I been pacing this corridor? With a gloved finger, I touched my head. The LCL had dried a long time ago. I probably looked like a nervous wreck. I tried to sit as she suggested, but found myself back up again after a few minutes. What the hell was taking so long! It felt like hours ever since Ritsuko had entered Asuka's room! As pain suddenly registered, I realized that my fist had hit a wall. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see a concerned Rei. "There will be plenty of time for you to see her. You should go and change." I contemplated the idea of getting out of this plugsuit. The infirmary was after all relatively close to the changing rooms; a necessity in case a pilot got injured. I was about to finally give in when Ritsuko exited the room. "How's Asuka?!" The question took the doctor by surprise, as she had barely left the room, but she quickly regained her professional composure. "She is exhausted both physically and mentally. She is uninjured and all tests revealed nothing threatening about her brain patterns. There is no sign of residual mental contamination. However, the damage to her psyche is unknown for now. She was in no condition to tell us more about what happened to her. We only know that she underwent some type of mental attack. For now, I gave her enough sedative to keep her asleep for a few hours. When she wakes up, I suggest taking her home. There isn't anything more we can do here. I also recommend contacting the NERV psychiatrist for future treatment." "I see," said Misato gravely. Psychiatrist. Treatment. Those words ran alarm bells in my mind. "Why?! Why would she need to see a psychiatrist?!" "Because I believe she was forced to confront herself and her past... and lost," answered the doctor before walking away, a hint of sadness in her voice. Her past. I remembered Asuka's words. 'Nooo! Don't make me remember! I want to forget, so don't dig into my memories! I don't want to remember such terrible things! Stop! Stop!' What had happened to her? What was so terrible about her past that it would cause her to suffer like this. Memories hit me. I remembered Father, leaving me. But it had never caused me that much pain. What was it? What could have been so awful that it almost destroyed her? Misato seemed to guess my question before I asked it. "It's not my place to tell you, Shinji-kun. She should be the one to tell you." Probably to avoid more questioning, Misato followed Ritsuko. Part of me felt angry at her leaving like that. Didn't she care about Asuka? Yes, she did. I knew she did. But ever since what had happened with Kaji... she just wasn't completely herself anymore. She probably still had her own ghosts to battle. Me and Father. Misato and her father. And now Kaji. Apparently, Asuka also had a past she didn't want to remember. What about Rei? Was she haunted by similar shadows? Was this some curse related to EVA? Were we denied being happy? "You should go change now. I will keep watch until you return." I looked at Rei. For the first time, I realized it must have been hard for her to see me worry this much about her rival. "Thank you, Rei. I... I'm sorry to impose this on you." She smiled. "It is of no concern. I understand. She is my friend too." I could however feel a hint of sadness in her voice. I was truly sorry about that. But at a time like this, I couldn't really think about her when I knew that Asuka was suffering. * * * "It wasn't a dream." Those were the words Asuka said as she woke up. She looked so peaceful in her sleep, I had hoped that she would be alright when she awoke. The hopes had vanished as fear and confusion faded from her, leaving an empty expression in their wake. For a few seconds, those eyes stared at me and, in that brief moment, I'm pretty sure I saw some life in those eyes. But it quickly vanished and soon, she just stared at the ceiling. I wanted to say something... but I didn't know what to say. "Why are you here?" she asked, removing some of the weight from my shoulders. She hadn't bothered to look at me. But I didn't care, I was just glad to hear her voice, even if it was almost monotonous. "I... I... I was worried... about you... you scared me..." "You were worried..." She turned her head to look at me. I was sitting on one side of the bed, so it wasn't much effort for her. I almost felt like running away as I saw the look of anger in her eyes. "You were worried... worried... then why didn't you come?! Why didn't you save the day like you always do?! Why did you let HER save me?!!!" "They... they wouldn't let me go..." "Oh... so I'm not good enough for you now, is that it?! Sohryu is now useless, so they just send Wonder Girl to do the job she couldn't do, is that it?! "No, Asuka, it's not..." "Shut up!" She tried to get up, probably to hit me, but I guess she was still a bit under the effects of the sedative Doctor Akagi gave her as she simply fell limply on the bed. Still, she struggled to get up. "Asuka..." "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I don't want to listen to you! I don't care about your pity! Don't you know that I would have rather died than been saved by her! It would have been okay if it had been you... everyone expects you to win... you're the true wonder child here... but her!!! Now everyone knows that I'm a total failure..." She gave up trying to get up. Her anger faded, and was replaced by tears. Tears that she tried to repress but wouldn't be stopped. "How the mighty have fallen. Look at me... I'm crying... I hate crying... only a weak person cries. I hate Wonder Girl... she showed everyone how pathetic I was. I hate you... you made me cry, now you can see how disgusting I am. I hate everybody... but most of all... I hate myself..." "Asuka... you're not weak. It's normal to cry. Everyone cries. If you don't, your pain will eat you from the inside. And if it doesn't, you may just become like Rei had been months ago, completely emotionless. So it's okay to cry Asuka..." "You're right... why should I care. I don't care. I don't care about anything. I have nothing. Whatever pride I had left is gone. I know that they'll replace me as soon as they can. Without EVA, I am nothing. I should have died..." "NO!" I couldn't bear to hear more of that. I couldn't. I stood up, and grabbed her shoulders, pinning her to the bed as I leaned over her, forcing her tear-soaked eyes to look at me. My reaction surprised her. I think I may also have scared her. "DON'T SAY THAT ANYMORE! Don't say that you should have died! And don't say you have nothing else! It's not TRUE!" Her eyes widened in shock for a moment, before reverting to that look of self disgust. "Oh yeah...? Tell me what I have left if I can't pilot EVA? Tell me why people should care about me... nobody cares..." "That's not true! You have friends who cares about you! Misato cares about you! Hikari cares about you! Rei cares... I care too... and... and... what about your family? Surely they care! You got a call from your mom in Germany not too long ago!" Obviously, this wasn't something I should have said, as her expression darkened even more. "Only my step mom," she replied. "Papa never cares enough to call. And Mama..." A small twitch played across her features. "Mama's dead." Ouch. Okay Shinji... next time get all the facts before you open your big mouth. Then it hit me. 'Papa never cares enough to call. And Mama... Mama's dead.' My God! Just like... just like me... "It doesn't matter..." I barely whispered. "It doesn't matter! We're here! And we care!" "Why would you? I can't pilot EVA anymore..." "So what?! There's more to life then EVA! You... you... you're beautiful. You're bright! I mean, you graduated from college... and you can be really nice when you want to!" "Is that all? Is that all there is to Sohryu Asuka Langley?" I wished that I could have said more, but my brain just didn't seem willing to work properly. "It's... it's more then I can say about myself..." "You don't need more! You're Shinji the Hero! You're the pilot of NERV's prized EVA Unit-01!" "Who cares if I can pilot EVA?!" "I do!" "Well, I don't! I don't care! I don't care if you can't pilot those goddamn things again! I love you for who you are, not because you're a pilot!!!" Those words left both of us speechless. I couldn't believe I had said that. Sure, I had meant every one of those words, but this was not how I had expected to say them. As the words sunk in, Asuka's eyes grew wider and wider. I felt myself blushing heavily under her gaze. "You... you...?" Then her features darkened. "No... you're just trying to be nice. It's just your damn pity..." Something snapped in me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because she doubted my feelings in such a way, or maybe it was that I couldn't take the way she acted anymore. "Damn you Asuka! Are you deaf! I love you! I! LOVE! YOU! Is it so hard to understand?! Is it so hard to believe?! I love you! I would have chosen Rei a long time ago if I didn't love you!" Again, she looked at me in complete disbelief. "You...? You do?" "YES! So cut that crap about being worthless! It's not true! You mean a lot to me! A lot! I care more about you than I care about myself!" The tears came back again. But this time, in full force. It was as if something had just broken within her; as if all the tears repressed in the past had decided to come out here and now. That sad look on her face. It brought tears to my eyes as well. "Shin... Shinji..." Her lips, as well as the rest of her body, were shaking. "Shinji!" I found myself being suddenly held by a weeping girl as if her life depended on it. I held her back, feeling strong suddenly as my arms encircled her trembling and vulnerable body. Her face was buried in my chest, where her tears soaked my shirt. "It's okay Asuka... let it all out... let all the tears out... it's all right... I'm here." I felt her hold on me tighten even more. I kept an arm around her as I stroked her hair with my free hand. Nobody had taken the time to clean Asuka up, so her hair was a mess due to the now dried LCL. But I didn't care. We stayed like this for a long time and Asuka crying all the while. Maybe she would have cried herself to sleep. I'll never know as we were interrupted. "Shinji. Here are the clothes from Asuka's..." The words died in Rei's mouth as she stared at us, frozen in the room entrance, a bag in one of her hands and the other holding the doorknob. Only then did I realize that nothing was covering Asuka's upper naked body, as her bed sheets had fallen down on her waist. "R... Rei... It's... it's not what you think..." To my surprise, Asuka struggled to get free from me. I also noticed she had stopped crying. As she freed herself from my arm, she looked at Rei. I recognized the all to familiar look of hatred in her eyes. "Came to remind me of my failure? Came to gloat over your victory over me? Well, I don't want to see your face! Get out! Get out, get out, GET OUT! I hate you Wonder Girl! I HATE YOU!" Four months ago, Rei would not have cared in the least about Asuka's words. But now... Rei only had three friends. Hotaru, Asuka and me. Only three people truly cared about her. Maybe four if we considered Misato. So those words hurt, I was sure of it. The bag she held hit the ground and she rushed out of the room. "Rei!" I suddenly forgot everything about Asuka and ran after the blue- haired girl. Luckily, she hadn't gone very far. I found her kneeling against a wall for support, tears running down her pretty face. "Rei..." As she kept silent, I moved closer to her and touched her shoulder. "She's upset right now. She didn't mean that." "I know. I... I cannot stop the tears... the words hurt... I know she did not mean what she said, but the words hurt still..." I tightened my grip on her shoulder, not enough to hurt her, but enough to let her know I was there. "It's okay Rei." She looked at me and smiled. It was only a faint smile, but a smile nonetheless. "She will probably need some time to adjust. She underwent a terrible experience." I nodded. I had guessed myself that Asuka wouldn't be herself for a long time. "For the moment, it would be for the best if I stayed with Misato while you stay with her." "Rei...!" She was willing to let me live with Asuka. Alone in the same apartment... "Are you sure?" "Yes. Asuka is my friend. She needs help. And I think that you are the only one who can help her." Her words sounded convincing, but I didn't miss the look of worry on her face. "But... the agreement you have with her..." "It does not matter right now. Shinji... remember when you came to live with me weeks ago. You were in pain, you needed help and comfort. Now, it is your turn to provide comfort. Shinji... you must do whatever you can to show Asuka that there is someone who cares for her, that there is a reason to exist. Do what you must do." This sadness on her face... "Rei..." "I will go gather some of my belongings and move them to the Major's apartment. This way, all will be done when you and Asuka get there." This said, she left. This was her idea, her suggestion. Why did I suddenly feel like I was betraying her? * * * When I entered Asuka's room, she was finishing putting on her clothes, her school uniform, since she never got the time to change before the tests at NERV and the following Angel attack. I panicked for a moment, probably feeling overly protective of her. "Asuka! You should be in bed!" "I'm fine." Her voice wasn't exactly monotonous, but almost. It got me a bit worried, but at least, when she looked at me, I realized that she wasn't slipping back into a state similar to the one I had found her after the attack. She was most likely trying to restore as much control over herself as she could. However, it was probably just a matter of time before she would be overwhelmed by her emotions again. Pain tend to do that. It doesn't go away that easily. "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yes. I am." For a moment, she eyed the ribbon of her uniform before shoving it into a pocket. "Let's leave." I guess there was no way to try to persuade her to stay, and Doctor Akagi had said that there was nothing more that could be done here, so I didn't try to object and followed her as she simply passed by me and left the room. At first, the nurses didn't appear willing to let Asuka have her way. The way they reacted suggested that Asuka and the infirmary staff probably had a few differences over the last months. It wasn't much of a surprise, Asuka was not, after all, the most patient of persons and from what I had gathered overtime, she hated hospitals even more than me. However, the nurses quickly calmed down as they noticed Asuka's lack of reaction. In fact, I believe some of them even looked worried. Finally, after checking with Doctor Akagi, they let Asuka go. There was no reason to keep her here, like she had previously told me. I was surprised to see that it was early in the morning. I hadn't realized we had spent so much time in the infirmary. The trip home was uneventful. Asuka didn't say a word. A few times, I tried to say something, to start a conversation, but somehow, I couldn't think about anything to talk about. So we both kept quiet, but for different reasons. As we reached Asuka's apartment, she seemed surprised to see that I was waiting for her to open the door. But that didn't last. Without a word, she let me follow her. Only inside did she finally fully acknowledge my presence. "Why are you here?" This was indeed a good question. Why was I here? To help and comfort her, Rei had said. Could I really do it? I found myself wishing Kaji was still alive. Even when I made decisions on my own, it had always been a reassuring thought to know that he was there, in case things didn't turn out right. I knew I could always seek his advice. But not anymore... 'Think for yourself and decide by yourself.' It was the last piece of advice he could give me. It not only applied to EVA, but to life itself, I realized. I had to be strong, stand my ground, make decisions and be sure of myself, no matter what. For my sake and more importantly for the sake of those I cared for. But this really wasn't easy! I missed Kaji a lot... "I'll be living here for a while." She glared at me. Finally, some expression on her face. "To watch over me? Make sure I don't do something stupid? Is that it?" "No... yes... I... I'm just worried. I... I don't want to leave you alone. I care for you... and I want you to know that. If you need anything... need to talk to someone... I'll be there." For a moment, her face softened, before giving me an annoyed look. "That's kind of you, but I don't need a baby-sitter!" I knew it was no use trying to change her mind. If I tried to impose my presence, it would only get on her nerves. Still, I could try a more subtle tactic, give her time to reconsider... "At least, let me make you something to eat, while you go take a bath. You must be as hungry as me. And a bath would be nice, wouldn't it? I'm sure you're eager to get rid of those traces of LCL..." She raised a hand to her nose. A look of disgust appeared on her face as she suddenly realized that the smell of LCL was indeed all over her. She seemed ready to continue the fight for a second, then relaxed by showing me a faint smile. "Thank you, Shinji..." She then walked toward the bathroom. * * * We ate in silence. Asuka seemed more relaxed and refreshed, but she wasn't feeling more talkative. I looked at the girl before me, who only stared at her plate, her damp hair hiding part of her face, eating without much conviction, only because she needed it to silence her hunger and calm her stomach. I was getting really worried. If things keep up this way, she might slip into a deep depression, the sort I almost reached myself in the past. The first time, Kensuke, Touji and Misato pulled me out, before I started to think about doing something stupid. The second time, Rei helped me out. The third time, it took Kaji's advice. The girls may not have survived if I hadn't listened to him. Was I really fit to help Asuka? And how could I help her? That thing... the Angel... if I understood correctly what I had been told... what I had heard, Asuka's screams... it had invaded her mind. In a way it had... raped her. And I hadn't been able to help her. I failed to protect her. Rei saved her, but too late. Part of me wanted to blame myself. But I had learned my lesson from what Touji had told me. It was the Angels. It was their fault. This was the last time someone I loved would be hurt by them. This, I swore to myself. "She's not coming, is she?" asked Asuka, as she put her chopsticks on the table and raised her head to look at me. "Who... who do you mean?" "Rei." Oh... so now she was ready to talk about that... "No. She didn't think it would be a good idea, with the way you reacted in the infirmary." "I see." "Your words hurt her." For a brief instant, shock showed on her face. "Oh..." "She cares for you a lot, Asuka. She was there with me, in the infirmary, while we waited for you to regain consciousness. She was as worried as I was. And you know that it wasn't her intention to outperform you. She only wanted one thing: to save your life. We're friends and teammates... we have to look out for one another..." Her face lowered lightly, as if in shame. "I understand... I may not like it, but I understand. But when I saw her... the reality... just jumped at me... I had failed... and even if she's not responsible for it... she reminded me of my failure..." "But you didn't fail! There was nothing you could have done!" "I'd like to believe that..." I didn't know what more to say. She listened, but my words didn't seem to reach her. Why couldn't she understand that EVA wasn't that important? Maybe because of what she had said the day before. She had trained to pilot EVA almost all her life. It was her life. So, what would she be without it? "I'm tired. I want to rest for a while." Slowly, she made her way to her room. But before disappearing from sight, she looked at me again. "You can go tell her that I'm sorry. When I feel that I can face her again, I'll tell her myself." This said, Asuka retired to her room. She hadn't changed her mind. I was reluctant to leave her all alone, but I didn't want to oppose her wish either. I was about to leave the apartment, once I had cleaned up the table and the dishes, when I head the sobbing. I ran to Asuka's room and found her on her bed, in a ball, face buried in a pillow. If possible, she was crying even more than earlier in the infirmary. There seemed to be no end to her tears. "It's okay, Asuka, I'm here..." As I had done earlier, I delicately took her in my arms and let her cry there. I whispered words of comfort until I felt her breathing become more regular and her sobs getting fainter. After a while, she just laid there in my arms and all I could hear was her breathing and her heartbeat. She had apparently cried herself to sleep. With care not to wake her up, I gently moved her from my arms to her bed. For a few seconds, I stared at her face now resting on her pillow. She looked so fragile. So beautiful. Quietly, I left her side and walked toward the door. "Don't go", she whispered. I turned around to see those two blue orbs staring at me. They kept me locked where I was. "Shinji... don't leave me alone... please." The fragile expression on her face, almost on the verge of breaking. It made my heart ache. "Even if it's only for once... only for once... please... be mine... all mine..." Every fiber of my soul cried for me to fulfill her wish. Whatever was to happen, whatever the consequences, no pain caused could be equal to the pain this girl felt right now. I had tried to avoid getting myself hurt. I had tried to avoid letting anyone else be hurt as well. But it wasn't possible. I could, however, ease the pain Asuka felt here and now. I had to help her in any way I could. I had to. Because I couldn't bear to see her like this... I walked toward her. "I'm here for you, Asuka-chan..." No other words were needed, as I took her into a tight embrace. I felt no regret as we became one for a flicker of a moment. I knew that this wasn't a lie, but rather half of a truth. She was one of the two most precious people I had. And anything I could do to make one of them happy couldn't be wrong. - - - 'Look at me! Mama, please, don't stop being my mother!' 'Please, come to heaven with me...' 'Mama, Mama, Please, don't kill me!' 'Asuka darling, please come with me...' 'No!' The teenage girl woke up with a start, her heart beating so fast that she thought for a moment that it would burst out of her chest. Then, the memories came again, as did the tears, silent, yet present. "I... I hate crying," thought the girl as she felt more and more shameful. Then, she felt two arms wrapping around her, and lips touching the back of her neck. "It's okay, Asuka-chan. It was only a nightmare. You're safe here. I'm here." The voice was comforting, and the boy's frail arms felt strangely strong. How could this boy be the Ikari Shinji she had met when she first came to Japan? Where was that wimpy boy she had taken pleasure in humiliating time after time? Somewhere along the way, probably while she had been busy complaining about this and that, he had grown into a man. And tonight, she had been joined as one with him. She could still remember the pleasure-pain she had felt as his warmth and hardness entered her, and the ecstasy he had managed to lead her to. She had felt strangely empty when he left her. She still felt that way. Yet, she smiled. With one of her hands, she caressed her flat belly. Even if she could now feel his body against her back, something of his was still within her. He had tried to pull out, but she had not let him escape, forcing him to shoot his essence deep inside her. She could even be bearing his child at this very moment. The timing was nearly right. All her life, she had been resolved never to have a child. Children would get in the way of her career. But most importantly, she didn't want to bring into this world another life just to make it suffer like her own parents had made her suffer. "But if he's at my side..." she thought. The prospect didn't seem as unappealing anymore. In fact, it just increased the craving for him she felt had rising within her since the moment his arms encircled her naked flesh. She tried to chase those thoughts out of her mind. He still loved Rei as well. This was meant to be a one time only occurrence. One single moment where she could live a fantasy. It wasn't meant to happen again. At least, not for now. But what if he chooses Rei? Could she live without him? Especially since she now knew just how good he could make her feel? 'If he does not come back, I do not know what I will do. I do not know how I will be able to live on. He is all that I have.' At the time, she had called Rei stupid for thinking in such a way. But now... she understood what Rei had meant. "He's all I have left," she realized. With him, she could forget the past. Move on. But she could lose him. If she did... she would be all alone... with nothing. What then? She turned around, and hugged him tightly, reaching for warmth and comfort. "He's here now, Asuka. Forget the past, try not to think about the future, just cherish this moment..." When sleep claimed her again, peace and relief could be seen on her face. This time, only pleasant dreams were waiting for her. Dreams of an hypothetical future with him. [To be continued...] Next time: Chapter 10 - Never forget Omake: "Tell me what I have left if I can't pilot EVA, tell me why people should care about me..." The way Asuka had spoken... even if she felt utterly worthless without EVA, I knew that some part of her was pleading for an answer to that question. I was sure of it. "There's more to life then EVA! You... you... you're beautiful. You're bright! I mean, you graduated from college... And you can be really nice when you want to!" "Is that all? Is that all there is to Sohryu Asuka Langley?" I wished that I could have said more, but my brain just didn't seem willing to work properly. "It's... it's more then I can say about myself..." "You don't need more! You're Shinji the Hero!" "Who cares if I can pilot EVA?!" "I do!" "Well, I don't! I don't care! I don't care if you can't pilot those goddamn things again! I love you for who you are, not because you're a pilot!!!" Asuka's eyes opened wide. Maybe it was because she was surprised. Or maybe it was because I was strangling her. Isn't that what you do to people you love? (especially if they are the only other person in the world alive) Author's notes: (1) While I used the manga characterization for Shinji, the events follows the anime. So, Asuka didn't fight the Sixth Angel alone. Chapter 9 was quite hard to write. This type of situation (Asuka crying in Shinji's arms) has been done often. Worse: it's been done by Andrew Huang in a Shinji's POV story (for those who don't know, shame on you, the title of that story is "I Mustn't Run Away"). It was HARD not to repeat the same things. Fortunately, Andrew had made a slight change in the plot, while I more or less remained with the original chain of events. Still, I had to be careful. So I kept the scene with the quarantine tape short, while insisting more in after effects (but still, I had to be careful avoiding copying "In Other Words" too). A conversation with Rei at the beginning, plus one with Asuka (idea courtesy of Darren Demaine) helped the overall story. The words "I'm here for you" came from the first Video Girl Ai OVA. I loved the first episodes of that series the moment I watched them. Those words at the end of the first OVA... they had a huge impact on me. Not sure exactly why... Maybe because part of me is a romantic fool and sometimes I feel hopelessly single? About the end? Well, it was bound to happen (if it didn't already in chapter 6) sooner or later... Before someone asks, there will be NO lemon side story to this chapter. I want it to be left as it is: an act of comfort, an act of love, something totally innocent. Chances are that a lemon would ruin that. Alain Gravel rakna@globetrotter.qc.ca September 16th 1999 Started on August 31st 1999 First pre-reader draft finished on September 16th 1999 Second pre-reader draft finished on October 4th 1999 Final draft finished on November 28th 1999 Final revision on March 14th 2000