From: "Rakna" Stoner 3:17 Presents Darkness of a Broken Heart A "Neon Genesis Evangelion" Sidestory Fanfiction Written by Jeremy Mullin (stoner317@hotmail.com) Based on the fanfiction "The One I Love Is..." written by Alain Gravel "Evangelion" characters and situations trademark and copyright GAINAX, all rights reserved, used without permission. Please don't sue, I have no money. (Set during chapter 11 of "TOILI". Kind of dark with some lime bits. You have been warned.) Part of me wonders why I didn't do this a long time ago. Back when the Angel attacked me at my weakest. Made me remember the horrible life I had tried to forget. Made me remember Papa, and... Mama... I can still hear her voice calling to me. *Come to heaven with me, Asuka...* The same thing over and over. It's enough to drive anyone mad, if they were weak enough. And that's definitely what I was. Weak. I wasn't strong anymore. Not after... *it* happened. That's probably why Shinji was so strong when I needed him to be. The thought makes me hesitate, makes me think about what I'm doing. Could I really do this? Leave him like this? After what we had shared? I can still remember that night. His face, his soft voice, his touch. The way he removed my clothes, his hands on my skin, touching me in my most secret places, soft and gently, not like the way I had made him touch me when we were at the lake. His kisses on my body, the pleasure and pain of when we became one. That had been the best part, the way we moved together, slowly and gently. In the past, I probably would've wanted it fast and hard. Maybe not. I'm not too sure. But that night, that way, was what I had wanted, how I had wanted it. Some part of me knows that it wasn't his first time. He knew too much, where and how to touch me. The way he knew how to try and pull out when the time came, before I stopped him and kept him inside. In the time that he had spent with Rei, surely there was no doubt that they had been together. Part of me is upset by that, that I wasn't his first. And yet, another part is glad that he was... "broken in", so to speak. He knew what to do, and somehow, that helped me feel good. I want to feel that way again... I had left him when it was discovered that Rei was still alive. The way he ran after her, it was a sure sign that he seemed to love her more than he did me. So I left, so that I wouldn't be in the way. But as I wandered what was left of Tokyo-3, I began to think. Was that really what I wanted to do? Was I going to give up that easily? I had fought hard for him, and now that I had a chance, why was I going to throw it away? So I went back. Back to the home we had shared together until events caused us to live apart. Somehow, I knew he was there. I envisioned in my mind what our reunion would be like. A bunch of tears would be shed, a lot of apologizing would go back and forth on both our parts. And maybe, just maybe, we would make love again in an endless cycle that would seal our future. I went back to the apartment, made my way inside, down the hall to his room where I knew he would be. Where else would he be, after all? He would be asleep, allowing me to crawl into his bed and snuggle with him like we used to. I slid open the door, quietly making my way inside... And I saw him. Lying in bed. With that strange girl I had never seen before. They were in each other's arms, under the blankets. And they were naked. I didn't need to see any more. Surprisingly, I didn't flee the apartment in tears like they would on a soap opera. Instead, I calmly walked out, almost like a trance, out of the apartment, out of the building, out of the neighborhood until I was back in the ruins. I made my way to a building that was still, somehow, somewhat intact, complete with running water. And a kitchen full of utensils. Especially a lot of sharp knives. That's when I made my decision. Shinji didn't want me, and he didn't want Rei, either, it seemed. That hurt the most, I think. The fact that he wound up not choosing either of us for some total stranger. So I grabbed what looked like the sharpest knife and went to the bathroom. As the tub filled, I stripped completely, folded my clothes nice and neat on a chair. I got in the tub, knife in hand, and got ready to do what I felt I needed to do. I hesitate. And I remember. I make my decision. I feel no pain as the knife goes across my wrist. I don't wonder as to why. I'm no doubt so numb I either can't or don't feel it anymore. I'm so weak I can't even repeat the procedure with my other wrist. So I just settle back into the water to wait for oblivion to come. I stare at the ruined ceiling, random thoughts entering my head. None of them are of my mother, who I am emulating. Or my father, or of Misato, or Hikari, or Rei, or of my Unit-02. They're all of Shinji. A tear rolls down my cheek. And I whisper my last good-bye to my only real love. And I let the darkness come. End This was a bit easier to write than I thought it would be. Got it done in less than an hour. I must be getting better at this. This is probably my first attempt at writing something even close to a darkfic. If anything, it seems to come across as a sadfic. Even if the character does try to take her life, I won't try to classify it as a suicide fic. Part of me just can't see it that way. I had originally planned to write this as a full-blown lemon, with a flashback going to the end of part 9 when Shinji and Asuka make love. Alain, however, didn't want that. For his reasons why, go read his Author's Notes for that chapter. After writing this as a lime-ish story as per his suggestion, it seems to work better this way. And besides, lemons and dark/sadfics don't seem to mix in my book unless there's a rape involved. So to any hentais out there hoping for something more, sorry. For those who are maybe wondering about my "Ranma" series, "Double or Nothing" (all five of you ^_^)... I'm considering putting that series on hold for awhile as I try and revise it some. I know I'll get a bunch of "It ain't broke so don't fix it" mail, but a part of me feels it could be done better. So in the meantime, I'll work on other, more shorter projects. Don't worry. You will see "DoN" again, maybe better than ever (I hope). On a closing note, I'd like to thank the following people: Alain Gravel, for creating "The One I Love Is...", thus allowing this story (which he also pre-read for me) to be born; also Axel Terizaki and Godsend777 for doing their share of pre-reading. Finally, I'd like to thank the creators of "Evangelion", for making such a kick-ass anime series for this fic to be based on. And that's the bottom line...