From: "Rakna" Neon Genesis Evangelion: The One I Love Is... A Chapter 8 Side story: Wanting by sterrym@one.net.au finetuned by Godsend777 Based off of situations created by Alain Gravel http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/ Based on characters created by and copyright GAINAX. Started on October 7th 1999 First pre-reader draft finished on November 3rd 1999 Final draft finished on November 6th 1999 This file is intended for "The One I Love Is..." website only! Do not post without permission. THE ONE I LOVE IS... SIDE STORY Wanting "The truth is with you." I awoke in the cool grey of the dawn. The room still lay in deep shadow, masking the usual jumble arrayed around the space. Even in the half-light, Shinji's face was cute in repose. The young man-child, loaded with the weight of saving humanity, forced to carry my hopes and fears. Such a burden for such a slight frame. Hope, an odd word for this time. Fear, an apt word, as the worst of my fears had come true in the last twenty-four hours. Shinji softly breathed in and out. I thought about last night. A lover's kiss, a passionate kiss. Comfort. Not from a man's body, the masculinity harnessed in Kaji's body, rather one on the threshold of adulthood, one full of promise. Sweetness as we two joined together however briefly. I sighed, something that could never be more than that. My Shinji. I smiled slightly, a pleasant thing. My Shinji, who had two girls after him, my smile widened as My Shinji exhaled a deep breath. My Shinji cared for me. I had never completely realised til now what our relationship was. Was I simply a guardian? Was I a mother? I guess I have become a bit of both. I am his commanding officer, but time has changed the relationship. The kiss, had it become anything more, it would have destroyed what we had built, a betrayal of trust. I smiled to myself, Shinji had more than enough than to worry about than just me. But this last night, the boy had become a man; a man whom I felt was older... No, I sighed. Do Asuka and Rei feel the same? Asuka; always so fiery and direct, a red-haired comet exploding into Shinji's world. Asuka could start a Second Impact by herself! Rei; the opposite, a quiet moonlit night, distant and mysterious. Would I feel this passion again that the girls feel for Shinji? As I had for Kaji? Once we were children playing as adults, now I see children forced to be adults. How much more can be heaped on Shinji, Asuka and Rei? Could they break? I exhaled slowly. So much; so little. Shinji shouldn't hold back from the girls. This truce of theirs was convenient, but Shinji should make a choice. Shinji should make a choice but I never really did! Ironic, being twice the age of a boy and thinking to give advice I never took. A car went past in front of the apartment, it rushed past, with the noise slowly receding into the distance. I listened as the sound died away. So quiet, except for the slow deep breathing of Shinji. So recently, when he had come back to us, I had lain with my head on Kaji's chest. Feeling the gentle rise and fall as we slumbered. I had felt guilty then, stealing away just after My Shinji had been returned to me. But that moment was fleeting, and now it was gone forever. Kaji, in the past it was I that ran away. I thought you were like my father, but in the end it was I who was like him. I hated him, I hated you, but most of all I hated myself. But yesterday was a day that I didn't run away. A day I didn't use alcohol to get by. The day I stayed. Tiredness and the toll taken on my body pushed me to the edge of sleep. 'I don't want to dream...' When I awoke again the sun shone with painful familiarity in the room. That which the night had hidden in shadow was now openly in sight. The empty beercans, sake bottles and coffee. Clothes strewn as a dervish had hit them. I sighed, morning had intruded on the sweet escape of oblivion. A dull ached still existed, a reminder of knowledge painfully gained. Shinji had left obviously early in the morning, not wishing to disturb me. I grinned inwardly, this morning would definitely be interesting! I took a look in the mirror as I prepared to leave my room, the mirror reflected a figure of acceptance. Not readily accepted as of yet, but a small step on the path. My eyes drifted downward as the cross around my neck caught a flash of sunlight into my mirror. A symbol of a faith that I didn't strongly believe in. But there were other things to believe in. Last night I had wanted Shinji to be close to me. My wanting was for myself, not to feel lonely. Now my wanting is for those I have, to have the truth for them. Right now it seems difficult, the burgeoning morning will bring sorrow and heartache. The pain will still be there, but this wanting for truth, the part you gave me Kaji, helps me go on. My wanting was for you, but if I can't have you, it would be what you wanted. For Shinji, for Asuka, for Rei, for me... Author's Notes: Well, this is a short story, but I didn't wish to take up pages. Many thanks to Alain and Godsend777 who pre-read this piece before unleashing it. Special thanks to Godsend for the finetune!!