From: B.Zapf@t-online.de (Bastiaan Zapf)
Subject: [EVA][FanFic]  all humans
X-Sender: 05041972522-0001@t-online.de
MIME-version: 1.0
Content-type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1"
Content-transfer-encoding: 8bit


                        all humans


            beneath the cold skin
            of every human in the world
            there is a warm soul

It was morning, a beautiful spring morning. The air was fresh.
Rei looked over to the mountain. It was far away, miles, but she had time.
She started to walk. The landscape was beautiful. She adored the flowers,
the green grass.
Here and there, trees grew, becoming denser as she got higher.

She paused two or three times. The sun rose, and it got warmer. Rei didn't
change her pace.
When it was midday, she arrived at her destination.

An exposed area. She had an amazing look over Tokyo and the surroundings.
She looked around. Splinters of metal laid around everywhere.

'Here I kneeled.' she thought. 'Holding this shield for Shinji.'

She picked up one of the splinters. It was burnt and molten, but there were
some rests of the paint left. It was of Eva-00. 'I would give my life to
protect him...'

She sat down.

Rei had come here to think about it all. Her mind focused on Shinji. She
knew that was love, but she still didn't feel ready for it.

It would hurt to leave him now. But it would also hurt to stay at him.
Because she had to change. She had to lose some part of herself to love him.

What should she do?

**

When Misato came back, she found Shinji in bad mood.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I don't know... Rei sent me that letter..."

He reached her a letter. She read it.

"What does she mean by 'I have to think'?"
"I hoped you could tell me."
"No, sorry. Did something special happen?"

Shinji shrugged.

"I hope she isn't pregnant or somewhat like that." Misato added with an
angry tone.
"No, we took care of that. I think i'll ask a bit around. Perhaps somebody
knows where she is."

Misato watched him leave.

'Poor Shinji.' she thought. 'Why had it to be Rei? If I was a boy, I had at
least chosen a girl who talked whole sentences...'

**

"Ikari? You?" Touji asked
"Yeah, me." Shinji replied.
"What do you want?"
"Do you know where Rei is?"
Touji shrugged. "No. Why should I?"
"I didn't expect you to know yourself. But could you do me a favour and ask
Hikari if she knows."
Toji thought a second.
"Okay. Come in. I'll phone her. And you have to tell me everything. I need a
good excuse to phone her."
Shinji entered the house.
"Nice Ikebana. Rei is not home. And she's not at NERV. That means, she's
somewhere else, and that's unusual for her. And she sent me a letter."
They went into Toji's room.
"What was it about?"
"She wrote she had to think. Whatever she meant."
Toji took the mobile phone. Shinji noticed he had Hikari's phone number in
the quick-dial.
He waited a bit.
"Suzuhara Toji here. Is Hikari there? ...Yes i'll wait."
Shinji almost could hear Hikari yelling.
"No. Hey. Be fair. I have a reason for calling you. No. Yes. Yes, if you let
me speak. Yes. Do you listen? Okay. Do you know where Ayanami is? Yes. No.
Yes. Yes. I know. Good. It's like that... Yes. Yeah. Yes. It's just... No.
No, I don't think that. Not of you. Listen... Yes. No. Hey. I want to say
something, too. Ikari's here, and... yes. No. Yes, I didn't forget. No.
Listen, she wrote a letter. She wrote she 'had to think'. Did you hear of
something special about her? No, I'm no idiot. Oh, sorry. Yes. Yes. No.
Good-Bye, then."
He put the phone down.
"She doesn't know, too."
"Thank you for calling her. She must really like you." Shinji said. "She
yells at you more than at
anybody else."
"That witch?" Toji exclaimed. He was acting. "I hope she doesn't care at all
about me." He switched topic. "Say, how is Ayanami? How is she like when
she's alone?"
"Hey, that's intimate."
"You said you would tell me all."
"Not that much."
"Yes, you will. I called Hikari for you."
Shinji sighed. "She's so loving. So warm... She wants to be alone for a day,
and even that hurts. I don't know what got me... She even wrote me that
letter... But I almost go mad..."
"Wow. That must be love." Toji said, not without respect.
"You like Hikari, too, don't you?"
Toji frowned. "Yes. A bit. She's an intresting person."
"Why don't you ask her out? If Rei hadn't took action... I still would be
alone. God, I wouldn't even know how it hurts to be alone."
"Do you really mean? I think she would go ballistic."
"Naaww. Just don't do it in public. Be as secret as you can. If you can at
all."
"Hey."
"I bet she'll say yes. You know she likes you."

**

Shinji wandered around the whole day. At the evening, he returned home. He
sat there and looked out of the window. The weather had gone bad. As his
mood.

**

It was late evening. Rei had finally returned. Now she was to decide.
She stood in front of Shinji's house. At least, she wanted to talk with
Shinji before she decided. At least, he should understand her.
She ringed.
"Who's there?" Misato asked through the door-phone.
"It's me."
"Rei? Are you that?"
"Yes."
"Come in. Shinji's been searching the whole day."

As she arrived, Misato was standing in the door.
"Girl, you do things... Come in. Shinji's in his room."

Wordless as ever, Rei came in and proceeded to Shinji's room. She opened the
door.
Misato could almost smell the tension.
"Rei!" Shinji exclaimed.
"Shinji..." Rei whispered. "We have to talk."
Misato felt trouble arising.
"I'll have a quick walk." she proclaimed. She always knew when to take
cover. She left.

"Hey, Rei... What's up? Don't you like me anymore?"
"Shinji... don't misunderstand me."
"You want to leave me, don't you?" Shinji was almost crying.
"No.... You have to understand. Let me explain."
"Please... don't leave me."
Rei felt nothing when she saw Shinji like this. 'Strange. I should feel
something.' She thought.
"I need to explain. See, It's like that: I will hurt, no matter what I do.
If I leave you, I'll hurt because we are not together anymore. If I stay,
I'll hurt because I'll change."
"What?"
"If I stay, I'll change. That will hurt. See, when i'm alone with you... I
feel so changed... I suddenly can feel my emotions. I know that there's a
cold world outside."
As in a bad horror movie, a flash lighted the room. It started to rain.
"With you, It's all okay. But I don't want this world inside of me. I always
kept it outside. I don't want it inside. It will burn me." She sounded
desperate.
"Do you know the legend of Ra? Ra was the ancient Egypt sun God. Every
evening, he was devoured by his mother, the earth. And every morning, mother
earth rebirthed him. We have to die to get renewed. You just can life
through death. The real death... That is not to change. Like you did. Like
we did. And now we'll change."
"I don't want to change. I want this world to stay outside."
"Don't you realize i've been changing you already? You will change, either
way. You just have to decide if with me or not." Shinji was argumenting in a
cool way. He wondered that he could stay like this. But then the feelings
burst through. Tears started running. "Don't leave me. Please. You'd hurt
me."
Rei was still not feeling anything. She looked out of the window.

A bird was there, sitting lonely on a roof. In a sudden moment of lucidity,
Rei could see herself. Lone bird on the roof. Far away from the horde.
Living in a world of dreams. But she could also see that her self-image of
the cool, harsh girl was wrong. She had feelings. She was just denying them.

A tear ran down her cheek, dropped off her chin. By accident, it hit the
letter she had written a day ago, exactly at a place, where one of Shinji's
tears landed just hours ago, creating a nice circle of cromatographed ink.
Her tear dispensed in the paper, widening the circle of dye Shinji's tear
had done.


She tried to fight it, but she couldn't. Her old self struggled against the
decision she really wanted to take. It was getting stronger and stronger.
She had already opened her mouth to say 'Farewell.' but she closed it again.
She realized the pain would break even her old self. She felt she hadn't
been saying something for at least a minute. Her old self wanted to win
time, emprisoning her once again in an autistic episode. 'Not this way,
Rei.' she thought. 'Not this way.' She fighted. At first, she raised a hand.
Then, a foot. She turned her body around, looked into Shinji's eyes, eyes
red from crying.

She sat down on Shinji's lap, embracing him.

"Call me an idiot." she said.
"What?" Shinji said through his tears.
Rei's tears were now flowing.
"Call me an idiot. I have the chance to get the most lovely, caring, feeling
boy of the world, and I act like the idiot I used to be. Oh Shinji... I was
so mean. I don't like that old Rei. You don't like her, too. Why should I
stay like I am? I'm an idiot."
They cried in each other's arms.

**

Misato came back later that night. She had been at Ritsuko's. Among others,
they had talked about Rei and Shinji. They had decided not to intervene in
any way. It was completely their buisiness at all.
She opened the door. At first, she listened. Nothing. Good. She entered the
apartement.
Quietly, she opened Shinji's door. It was hot in the room. She saw two heads
in the bed. Rei slept in fetal postion, with her back cuddled against
Shinji, who had embraced her. 'What a cute couple.' she thought smiling and
closed the door.
She took a beer out of the fridge. While she did so, Pen-pen ran towards her
and complained lodly. She stroked his head and gave him a fish.
"And poor old Misato is still alone." she sighed. Pen-pen looked up from his
fish. He looked thankfully. "Kwaaaaa" he stated. What answer did she expect
from a penguin? He
continued devouring his meal. She drank her beer, got up and went into her
bedroom. She put a MediaChip into the player. It was pre-impact-music of a
band called Santana. Slow, meditative guitar and organ sounds.
She stripped, got into her bed and cuddled herself into the warm blanket.
Then she started to run her hands over her body, over her firm breasts, over
her flat belly. She smiled. Life was so beautiful. Watching children grow
was so beautiful. A shudder of pleasure ran
up her spine. She bit her lower lip and moaned softly.
She was a human at all. Humans need a bit of warmth, sometimes.

____


Well. This one is to be taken more seriously. In the second half, I got into
the flow. I think it's far better than "our buisiness". I really want
feedback... If you have to say something that goes beyond spell checking
(sorry for my bad ortography and/or grammar, I'm german and I don't have an
english spellchecker), please write.
The title came to my mind when "all you zombies" played in the radio (I
think it's by Mister Mister, but I could be wrong) :-)
I know the end is a bit lemon, but I thought it fit, don't you? How would
you react in such a situation? (I once heard, the peak of sexual drive at
women is somewhere around 28 years of age... ;-P) BTW, of course, she
listened to "Abraxas". That's /the/ cuddle-album if there is any. You know
it for sure. Everybody knows it. Another good one is the soundtrack of
"Blade
Runner" by Vangelis, but it's a bit colder, more mysterious, but too, very
comfortable. If you're into hard sex or just plan to **** your brains out,
try Nine Inch Nails - the downward spiral.
I have discovered some similarities between Rei and Myself. That might be
the reason why I find her that interesting. But maybe my vision is just
distorted by this so-called civilisation. Somehow we are all autistic,
aren't we???
I recently was at a birthday party of a friend of my father. That friend
lives in berlin, that ill 3-million-moloch of a city. All the people I
encountered there (except one), were somewhat ill and perverted. They acted
dead and cold. Like Rei. Why, I didn't know. I still don't know. Now I know
for sure: I never never want to see New York, Mexico City, Tokyo or any
other really big city from near.
Always when I'm feeling changes going on in myself, I have a creative phase.
It was like that four or five times... I never shared my creativity. I just
threw away my works. I just want to feel how it is to share something like
that. The usenet is ideal for this. I have phantasies that are too intimate
to share with my friends (they would know what they mean to me). For
example, I have dreams about Ellen Ripley (you know... that girl of
"Alien"... Well, not exactly girl... Full-grown woman, and what a... BTW: In
Alien 4, Sigourney Weaver was 48. Really.). She's really turning me on. I
have no problem telling you or any
other "stranger", since when seen alone, these phantasies are just
phantasies, but I would have problems telling my friends, since it's
really, really personal. They would see things of me that I just can't show.
That would be like showing photos of me and a girl in action.

                            Basti

____


Extra:

Toji was at good mood. Before he sat down, he went over to Shinji.
"It worked..." he whispered to him.
Humming, he sat down at his table, daydreaming of Hikari.