From: xenacanthus@metacrawler.com
Subject: [NGE][FanFic] And Let Me Sing Forevermore
X-Original-Date: 20 Jan 2005 15:55:09 -0800

"And let me sing forevermore..."

"Tokyo tokkyo kototto. Tokyo tokkyo kyokako. Tokyo tokkyo
kyoka kyoko. Tokyo kototo! Tokyo tokkyo kyoka koko! TOKYO
TOKKYO KYOKA KOU--NEIN! TOTO! TOTORO! VERDAMMT!"

Purple, Sohryu Asuka Langley dropped heavily into her chair and
started grinding her teeth. Kirishima Mana stepped back just a little
bit further than her classmate could reach and called across the
classroom, "Ne, ne, ne, Touji-kun. Can _you_ say, 'The Tokyo
Patent Office today hurriedly rejected permission'?"

On cue, the lanky jock popped open the top of a Pocari Sweat,
chugged the whole can in one go, and belched, "Tokyo tokkyo
kyoka kyoku kyou kyuukyo kyakka!" He almost didn't make it
through, as all three Stooges were reduced to peals of laughter by
the performance.

Mana rolled her eyes in disbelief, while Horaki Hikari cautiously
approached the German girl. "Asuka-chan...don't let it bother you.
Everyone in the class can understand you perfectly. It's just...you've
learned Japanese in a foreign country! You're going to have to learn
how to speak like a native now. And until then you can't pretend
you're fluent."

"I know, I know," Asuka growled, absently breaking her pencils in
half one after another. "I just have to practice, that's all. It's not
worth going to a speech therapist or anything over."

"That's right," Hikari agreed. The class representative was about to
continue the thought when, along with the belching contest that
had erupted in the front of the classroom, she heard the step of
someone approaching them. It was Yamagishi Mayumi, the quiet
girl with the beautiful voice. She was looking nervously at Asuka,
clenching a piece of paper in her hands.

"Langley-san," she said, "if you're interested...the school choir is
holding tryouts next Friday. I don't know if you have any school
clubs yet..."

She thrust forward the paper as if it were a piece of meat for a wild
dog. Asuka, still scowling, took it out of Mayumi's hands and
glanced it over. To her inner relief, she could read most of its
contents. "A choir, huh? And why would I be interested in this? I've
studied music for years already."

Mayumi avoided Asuka's gaze and her voice became even softer. "I
thought that, maybe, if you were thinking about learning, you
know, how to phrase words in Japanese, then the choir would be a
good place to do it, since we practice singing technique...ah...and
you could also meet girls from all over the school, and...I..."

"That's a great idea, Mayumi-chan!" Hikari burst out. "Asuka-chan,
if you've studied music, then this would be the perfect club for
you!"

Asuka nodded. As she recognized how reasonable the suggestion
was, her ire faded away. "Hm. It says that to try out, I have to sing
a song at least a minute and a half long a cappella. Yeah, I could do
that. What kind of song does it have to be? Do they care?"

"Uh, no." Mayumi was no longer cringing in fear. "A lot of girls
sing pop songs. I sang Andrew Lloyd Webber. It's...really...just a
formality. To gauge your talents."

"Don't say anything, Mana-chan," Hikari snapped. The interloper to
the conversation feigned innocence but kept her mouth shut.

Asuka folded the paper then put it in her bag. "Thanks. If I don't
need to schedule a performance time..."

"No, I'll tell the maestro to expect you."

"...good. I don't think there's any NERV activities scheduled for that
afternoon either, so I should be free. Hey! Stooge! Where'd the
Third one go off to?"

"Nurse's office," Kensuke replied. "A burp came out his nose."

Shinji was back in action soon enough and the day passed quickly.
With the audition weighing on her mind, Asuka walked home in
silence beside her co-pilot. Later, Asuka broached the subject of the
choir while she raided the kitchen cupboards for an after-school
snack. "Shinji, do you know any good songs by Japanese people?"

"Eh?"

"You do have folk songs or something in this country, right?"

"Uh, yeah. Why do you want to know?"

"I'm going to audition for the choir." Rewarded with an ancient but
unopened box of Koala cookies, Asuka poured it out onto a plate
and brought it to the living room, where Shinji was thumbing
through the TV guide. "And to audition, I can sing any song I want
to. So I want to sing a Japanese song that everybody will know.
That way," she went on, leaning in conspiratorially, "I'll get the
whole crowd on my side, and at the same time they'll realize how
talented I am! It's a cinch!"

"Uh-huh," Shinji said nervously. "Well, er, Misato-san likes all kinds
of music. Let's see if she has any MP3s you could listen to."

The two teenagers moved into their guardian's bedroom, mindful
of the mess. On top of Misato's desk, underneath a week's worth of
dirty clothes and a pair of dumbbells, was a laptop computer. Shinji
woke it and found the audio file directory. His face lit up as he
skimmed through the files. "Hey, it looks like she's got 'Ware wa
Umi no Ko'. Do you want to listen to that?"

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "'I Am the Child of the Sea'? Never heard
of it. Is it any good?"

"Yeah! It's really patriotic and stuff. Here." He opened up the file.
Asuka didn't recognize the tune, but it did sound very Japanese,
written in a classic pentatonic scale. It also had a strong rhythm to
it, one that had her swaying to the beat by the end of the first
stanza. The girl could imagine herself making the most of the tune.

There was one nagging problem, though. "Shinji, this is a children's
choir that's singing it! I don't want everyone to be thinking I'm just
a brat!"

He flinched. "But...well...I mean, it's a part of growing up. Singing
songs in school. I guess there are songs every German child
learns...aren't there? Right?"

Asuka heaved a sigh. "Yeah, I suppose you're right. And you
Japanese are so damn sentimental about this sort of thing, that
might work for me." Shinji flinched again. "Trouble is, this is a
choir singing. I need a solo arrangement."

"Oh, I can probably do a transcription for you," Shinji offered. "I've
done them before, and I kind of know this song. It shouldn't be too
much trouble."

"Wha...a what?"

"A transcription. You know, write down the notes from the music?"
He stood up from the computer and began walking out of the
room. "I'm pretty sure I have some staff paper around here
somewhere."

Asuka followed Shinji across the apartment to his room. "Why do
you have staff paper? Don't tell me you play music too?"

"Just the cello." He pointed to the cello case crammed into one
corner of the closet he called his room and everyone else still called
a closet. "I've been playing since I was five, but I've never gotten
really good. Here."

The young man had found some staff paper, but Asuka was still
looking at the cello case. "I didn't know you played the cello," she
said softly. "I have a violin. We should play  a duet sometime."

Shinji smiled a little. "I'd like that," he said.

The two Eva pilots set to work, and by evening they had completed
their transcription. Homework and housework forestalled a
practice run-through that night, and classes and a synchronization
test kept them busy late into the afternoon the next day.

After the test, Asuka caught up with Akagi Ritsuko on her way to
her office. "Akagi-hakesei! I have a question about the LCL."

"I see. You know that we're on a need-to-know basis here, and I
may not be able to answer your question, Asuka."

"I think you'll be able to."

"Well, then. Please come into my office and have a seat." Ritsuko's
office was cluttered, but not in the same way Misato's bedroom was
messy. In her own mind, the desk, walls and floor of the office were
subdivided by subjects in such a way Ritsuko could find anything
she needed with minimal effort.

Asuka thoughtlessly dumped a pile of papers off of a chair and sat
down. "Akagi-hakesei, I'm going to be trying out for the school
choir next week. But I'm thinking that the LCL is going to hurt my
vocal chords. Is that something I should be worried about?"

Ritsuko leaned back in her chair in thought. "Well, I don't think it
should be, Asuka. As long as you don't talk all the time when
you're in the Evangelion, which you don't, I don't think it's much to
be concerned with."

"What about just breathing it? Is that going to affect them at all?"

"Maybe, maybe not. It depends how long you're in the LCL for, I
suppose. You might try gargling with salt water after you get home
every day."

"I'll try it, then. Hey, what's that?" Asuka pushed over a pile of
papers on the desk in front of her and brought out a box with blue
and silver bows on it. "'Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men'? What's
this? Don't tell me you have a boyfriend, Akagi-hakesei!"

In a very uncharacteristic moment, Akagi Ritsuko turned bright red
and stammered incoherently. Asuka returned the gift to its owner,
and Ritsuko brought herself under control. "Thank you, Pilot...and
I'm ordering you kept this quiet."

Asuka laughed. "Well, then...there had better not be any tests
during my choir practice!"

"..."

"But to tell the truth, ma'am," Asuka went on, "I hadn't thought of
you as the type to have a boyfriend. I mean, one who you'd give
gifts without any special occasion."

Ritsuko nodded. "He's never dressed himself up more than he has
to when we've been out together. I was hoping he'd take a hint."

"I see. But that really isn't what I meant." Asuka pulled her chair a
little closer to Ritsuko's, knocking over another stack of paper. "I
mean, you're a busy, busy woman, Akagi-hakesei. I didn't think
you'd want to sacrifice work time for a relationship, or that he'd
make allowances for your job. Why'd you start seeing him?"

Silently, Ritsuko asked herself that very question. But Asuka didn't
need to know everything. "I was lonesome. He was lonesome. I
wanted...someone I could be myself around. Someone I didn't have
to be the boss to, or be a scientist for." She picked up one of her
ceramic cats and toyed with it. "It was around the time my cat got
sick. I realized that Princess wasn't going to be around forever, and
then what? Lose the last soul on Earth I could air my dirty laundry
to? Asuka...I don't know if it's love. It doesn't have to be. But it's
good for my poor old heart, and that's all I need. For now."

"Ah," Asuka replied, trying to sound like she really understood
everything Akagi had told her. "So, are you going to tell me who
this mystery man is?"

"If I told you, Pilot, I'd have to shoot you." Ritsuko reached for her
coffee cup. "Now, shoo. You don't tell the Major anything, I do my
best with the schedules."

Laughing, Asuka excused herself and went to find her housemates.
In the back of her mind, though, Ritsuko's words stayed with her.
Asuka had a nebulous vision of love, one of pink and white and
eternal bliss, punctuated by physical love under the silver moon.
Love, to her, was something one found, and then...

And then what?

Sohryu Asuka Langley found herself drawing an uncomfortable
blank. What did one do when one found love? Have children?
Grow old? That didn't fit in with Asuka's vision of her future. That
was all too ordinary. And Sohryu Asuka Langley was no ordinary
woman! So how did one find extraordinary love? What did one do
to achieve it? And...why hadn't Frau Doktor found her own
extraordinary love? Although she wouldn't call the doctor a
personal friend, Asuka held more respect for Akagi than anyone
else in the NERV hierarchy. Akagi Ritsuko had a doctorate, did
world-bending work, persevered against the Angels overcoming
incredible odds...

...and she had found an ordinary, unremarkable love. And then
what?

The three members of the Katsuragi household had ramen
delivered for dinner, then Misato left to go drinking with some
other people from work. "Maybe what we could do," Shinji
suggested, "is make a recording of one of us playing the melody.
That way you could listen to it any time, even when you weren't
able to stop what you were doing and sing."

"Why not? It'd help me stay awake in class," Asuka joked. She went
on, "Seriously though, Shinji, my violin still hasn't arrived from
Germany yet. It's being sent by a special shipping company so that
it won't be damaged. But maybe you could play it on your cello."

"All right."

While Asuka put the transcription up on a music stand and got her
laptop ready, Shinji brought out his cello. It was large and regal,
stained a deep chestnut brown. Shinji gently rested it on its base
between his knees and ran through a practice scale.

"That really is a beautiful cello," Asuka remarked from the couch.

The boy nodded. "It's probably the nicest thing I own. I have to
maintain it." He squirmed a little under her prolonged gaze.
"It's...not a concert quality cello or anything. But if I want to play,
I have to keep it in good shape."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "You make it sound like practicing is
some huge responsibility for you."

"I've never had a recital or anything. I just play because nobody's
ever told me to stop."

She almost laughed. She almost laughed at how pitiful he was, and
told him that he was a complete baka, and that he shouldn't even
practice if he was going to be so shallow. But Asuka stopped
herself and instead suggested, "This can be your first recital. Why
don't you play something for me?"

"Weren't...we...going..."

"That can wait just a few minutes," Asuka said dismissevely. "Play
me a song you like. Any song."

So Shinji played the first three movements of Bach's First Cello
Suite. At some point during its three hundred years of existence,
the suite had been called "Lightness." And so it was. Shinji played
the Prelude, the Allemande and the Courante in G like he was
breathing in the waning late summer sunlight. Asuka liked the way
Shinji looked when he was so enraptured by the music: he could
create something; he could give meaning and beauty to his life, and
hers as well. She applauded when he finally set down his bow.

"Thanks, Asuka," he said as he wiped his brow with the back of his
hand. "I haven't played that in a long time. It felt good to play
it...and I'm sorry about  all the mistakes I made."

Asuka shook her head. "I couldn't hear one. Wunderbar! Bravo!"

Shinji smiled and reluctantly took a bow. "Shall we record the song
now?"

The girl moved to her laptop and started recording. Shinji played
the melody several times through, making a larger file than they
needed; but Asuka said that preferred it that way. "That way," she
explained, "we can edit the best bits of it together."

When it was recorded, Asuka tried a dry run of the melody without
words. There was a difference of two octaves between her voice
and the deep resonating notes of the cello. Her voice was also
slightly nasal. But Asuka poured her own soul into the
performance. The feelings that still lingered, of the excitement and
hidden dread of beginning a new life in a new country, subtly
found their way into a song about childhood life by the sea. Shinji
thought that she looked like an angel. He had seen pictures of the
timeless European frescoes, now hidden underwater around the
far-off continent. The women in those frescoes were beautiful and
noble. The boy watched his housemate's lips as she sang.

The next day was a Sunday, and both teens had big plans. Hikari
had two free tickets to see a movie and wanted to go shopping
afterwards with Asuka. Shinji had let Kensuke snarl him into
finding a book on submachine gun chambering mechanisms. Their
day involved hunting around online and checking through the
bookstores in Tokyo-3.

When Shinji returned to the apartment that evening, he was
greeted by two very strange sights. In the living room, Asuka was
going through some rather fluttery voice warm-ups, which was
strange enough. At the same time, she was struggling to ignore that
Pen-pen the penguin was squawking imitations of her warm-ups
across the room from her. Shinji went to his bedroom and got his
cello.

"I want to try it with the words this time, Shinji," Asuka announced
as he came back to the living room. She was sitting on the couch
with a glass half-filled with water by her feet. Pen-pen had made a
discreet exit.

"That's fine," he replied. "I'll play you the first few notes, and you
can take it from there."

He played the first bar at a moderate andante pace. Asuka sang it
back to him and kept going, singing through all six stanzas. Her
tempo was very even, and although she strained at first through
the jumps from the low to the high notes, she improved with every
repetition. At the end, she asked, "Well, Shinji? What do you
think?"

"Very good!" he replied. "You, ah, really do have an ear for music.
And I think you're going to learn your phrasing in no time at all."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, just based on how fast you've been able to learn the song,
that's all."

"You don't have to make it sound like you're trying to insult me."

"Oh. I'm sorry." With his eyes to the floor and his fists resting
clenched on his lap, the boy looked very nervous.

"Shinji? Is there something else?"

"It's...nothing."

"Yeah, right. C'mon, tell me."

"You...might try singing when you're standing up rather than when
you're seated."

"Oh. Yeah! Yeah, good suggestion." Asuka rose from the couch.
"Like this?"

"Uh-huh. Maybe straighter."

She frowned. "What do you mean by straighter?"

Shinji told himself that he mustn't run away. He stood up and set
aside his cello. He thought about winning against the Angels. He
thought about saving his friends' lives. He stepped towards Asuka.
He thought about maybe someday earning his father's respect.

He put one hand on Asuka's shoulder and the other flat against her
backside, and he pushed the one back and the other forward. "Like
that," he squeaked.

"Ah," said Asuka. She was a very, very bright red. Although she
knew perfectly well that Shinji hadn't meant anything by it, not
even Kaji-san had touched her bottom. EVER. "Baka-Shinji, you
could have just SHOWED me."

"...you're right."

"Don't ever do that again."

"I'm sorry."

"But, seeing as how you were trying to be helpful in your own
bizarre way," she went on, "I'll let it pass. Shall we do another run-
through?"

"Yes. Yes. I think we should."

They practiced for the better part of an hour before Asuka began to
feel a strain in her voice. Shinji put away his cello, and they called
it an evening. There was homework to be done, a penguin to be
cuddled, video games to be played, and all number of different
minor distractions from the world of music.

Asuka and Shinji arrived at school early on Monday morning and
found Horaki Hikari talking in a low voice with Kirishima Mana at
the front of the classroom. The short-haired girl was bubble-eyed
with enthusiasm, struggling to follow what Hikari was whispering
about. All of a sudden, to the surprise of the other students in the
room, she shouted, "A DATE?"

Turning away, Hikari glanced anxiously around the classroom. She
swallowed as her eyes fell on Asuka, but she hurriedly turned back
to Mana. "Yeah, a friend of my big sister's saw you at...er...the
track meet, and he was wondering if you were free on Friday."

"Oh, I'd love to go out! I'd love to go out!" Mana gushed. "What's he
like? Is he cute? What should I wear? Oh, Hikari-chan, isn't it
exciting?" Hikari nodded nervously.

Asuka prodded Shinji with her pen. "Seems like everyone's got
plans this Friday. Don't you agree, Shinji? Shinji?" The boy was
scowling, staring down to the floor. "Hey, Shinji? What's eating
you?"

"Nothing," he said severely.

"Come on, tell me," Asuka said. But Shinji kept his face away, as if
he were staring into some pool of memories that only he could see.
His housemate would have none of it, and as soon as classes let out
for the day she was pestering him again. "Anta, baka? You've been
stewing all day, Shinji-kun. You even ate lunch all by yourself. I
asked the other two Stooges where you were, and they didn't
know. So? Are you going to tell me?"

"It's a long story."

"Come on, Shinji. We've got nothing else to do until we get to the
Geofront," Asuka replied, picking up her pace to move into Shinji's
path. Skipping backwards, with her bag behind her back yet never
losing her balance, she guided her face up into his line of sight.
"So? What's all this about?"

Shinji drew to a halt to collect his thoughts. He balled up his fists,
took two deep breaths, then began walking again. "My
mother...disappeared, when I was young," he began.

". . . I didn't know," Asuka said. "I'm sorry to hear that, Shinji."

"And," he went on, "Friday's the anniversary of her disappearance.
I was planning on going to her cenotaph."

"Ceno--what?"

"The marker to her memory. There's no body, so it can't be called a
real grave."

"Oh, I got it. Cenotaph. Cenotaph! Right." They had paused at an
intersection, side by side, waiting for the light to change color.
"So, a graveside-visit thing? Friday? What of it?"

". . .I was sort of hoping my father would come."

Asuka nodded. "Go on."

"But it's complicated. The last time we talked--I mean, before I came
to Tokyo-3--he made me feel so worthless that I ran away crying. I
hadn't talked to him for years before I came to NERV."

The conversation was put on hold while they passed through the
checkpoint to the Geofront. On the far side, as they boarded an
elevator to the Command Center, Asuka remarked, "I don't get it,
Shinji-kun. This would be the perfect chance to get to know him
again. What's the matter with seeing him?"

"I. . .I. . .I don't know what'll happen. I don't even know if he'll
come."

She stared at him in shock. "What? You mean you haven't asked
him yet?"

"Well, I. . .no. I didn't ask."

It was Asuka's turn to heave a sigh. She slumped back against the
wall of the elevator. "And you won't ask, will you? You'll just show
up and hope he's there, too?" An idea struck her, and she went on,
"Or maybe, you've been thinking about just not visiting your own
mother at all?"

Shinji shifted his weight. It was all the answer she needed. Asuka
lurched up off the wall, put a hand on his shoulder, and jerked him
around to face her. "Come on, Third Child. I'll give you 100 yen to
do it."

"Eh?"

"We can make it a bet," she said, a smile creeping across her face.
She tossed her hair off of her left shoulder, and her neural clips
caught the interior light for an instant. "If you've got the guts to
ask your father along for your graveside visit on Friday, I'll give
you 100 yen. Even if he says no."

She raised a finger as she added, "But if you chicken out, you'll
have to give me 200 yen, because you're being such a baka about it.
Do we have a deal?"

He said nothing. However, as the elevator arrived at their floor and
the doors opened, Shinji pulled his shoulders up and marched
stiffly down the corridor to where their briefing meeting would be
held.

Sure enough: standing quiet and severe at one end of the room was
NERV's supreme commander, Ikari Gendou. Shinji drew up in fear
at the doorway, just long enough for Asuka to give him a nice hard
shove that sent him stumbling across the room. Before he quite
realized it, Shinji was half a pace from his father. Suddenly so close,
the boy felt frozen, within and without, until an odd scent drifted
his way. He was just near enough to pick up a slight smell of
cologne from his father's hair; the boy would not have noticed even
a half-step away. But the change from the routine, this new
dimension of humanity in his father's personality, was enough to
prod Shinji's spirit.

After a single unsuccessful attempt, the boy managed to say the
word "Father."

The Commander looked down, his spectacled eyes falling like twin
moons to the Earth. "Shinji."

"Tou-san...you know that...uh...fuh-Friday is the anniversary?"

"Yes."

"Uh...I was...planning on visiting the grave."

"Good."

Shinji squared his shoulders again and dared to look directly at his
father, afraid of what would come, afraid of knowing. "I wanted to
ask if you were going to visit."

"I am."

The boy tensed. "When? After school gets done?"

"I can't say," the Commander replied, frankly and severely. "My
schedule doesn't permit such flexibility. If you are asking whether
we'll see each other at the grave site, I can't answer that question."

"Oh. I see." Relief washed over him like a cold, salty wave of the
sea. Shinji bowed. "Then, sorry to bother you."

"It's no bother," he said evenly as the boy retreated.

When Shinji arrived at his seat, Asuka was shaking her head, a coin
in her hand. "Well, well. I really didn't think you didn't have the
guts to ask. I guess I was right about the guts part."

"Leave me alone," Shinji muttered, snatching the money away.
Taking the opportunity to be irate at the whole world, he drew up
into a little Shinji-ball on top of his chair. He was so focused on
sulking, and Asuka was so intent on teasing him for it, that the two
of them almost missed Ayanami Rei drift up to Asuka's side.

"Is it true that you are trying out for the school's girl choir?" she
asked Asuka softly.

"Yeah. What of it?"

"I am here to inform you that I am also trying out for the school's
girl choir," Rei explained. "My performance will be better than your
own. I will squish you like mochi."

From the shadowy depths of the far side of the conference room,
Katsuragi Misato whispered, "'MUSHI'! You're going to squish her
like a BUG!" Wearing her dark sleeveless dress, the Major had been
almost invisible. Now she came into the half-light at stage center of
the conference room, smirking and blushing.

Without taking her attention away from Asuka, Rei added, "I
couldn't understand Katsuragi-sansa because she was laughing too
hard. My orders are to squish you like 'mushi', not 'mochi'."

"MISATO, WOULD YOU BUTT OUT OF MY LIFE!"

"I just wanted to get a good-natured rivalry going so that you
would do your best."

"LEAVE ME ALONE, MISATO!"

"Katsuragi-sansa, are my orders to squish the pilot no longer
valid?"

"Admit it, Asuka-chan. You would give anything to beat your
rivals, wouldn't you?"

"I'm not speaking to you EVER AGAIN, BAKA-MISATO!"

"Ikari-kun, one squishes mochi as well as mushi, does one not?"

"We are ready," came the steady voice of Ikari Gendou from the
front of the room, "to begin our meeting. Please take your seats. I
will be briefing you on the status of the Self-Sustaining Engine
research program at our American branch..."

Shinji glanced over at Asuka. His housemate wasn't even paying
attention to Rei, who had taken the adjacent seat. Instead, Asuka
was alternately scowling at the Commander and at the Major.
Later, when the meeting had finished and they were free to go,
Shinji tried talking to Asuka. "I don't know why Misato-san is
making such a big deal about this," he said conversationally.

Asuka sighed. "She thinks she's doing the right thing, Shinji-kun.
She thinks it's OK to meddle in other people's lives if something
KIND OF good comes of it all. Baka-Misato...she should know I
don't get along with older women. We shouldn't even be living
together--"

Abruptly, Asuka stiffened, then turned on Shinji. "Why on Earth
am I telling you this? This isn't any of your damn business. Why
should you care?"

It was a rhetorical question, but Shinji answered her. "My guardian-
-that is, the guy I lived with before Misato-san--used to say that
people talk about things when they're not happy. It's like, if you
have something on your mind, saying it makes it real. Or, I guess,
real enough that it isn't so mysterious anymore. So you conquer
your fear of the unknown by talking about something."

"Wise words, young man."

Shinji looked up and Asuka turned around. Kaji Ryouji had been
eavesdropping on the conversation, his roguish smile growing
wider at the teens' expressions. "I hope you don't mind me being
here..."

"No, not at all, Kaji-san! Not in the least!"

"...good." Kaji lurched off the seat back he had been resting against
and stepped up close enough for Asuka to take hold of his arm.
"The Major and Rei-chan took off so fast, I didn't have a chance
to..."

"WHAT?"

"I said, Major Katsuragi and Ayanami Rei left so quickly that I
didn't have a chance to talk to either of them."

"Verflixt!" Asuka dropped Kaji's arm and spun around on her heel,
thought a moment, spun back around on her heel, said, "Wait right
here for me," spun around once again and took off running out of
the conference room.

The door was closing behind her before Shinji remarked, "You
didn't tell her that they were going different directions."

"She'll find out soon enough. Besides, I want to talk to you." He
turned to face the young man and asked earnestly, "Asuka-chan's
trying out for the school choir? Did I hear that right?"

"Yeah." Shinji recounted the previous few days' events for Kaji's
benefit.

The older man smiled genuinely. "Well, I think that's good news.
Asuka-chan's got a lot of energy, and this will be a positive outlet
for her...and for her creativity." The two made their way out of the
conference hall into one of the many, many anonymous corridors
that made up the Geofront. Kaji continued, "So what do you think?"

"I'm not sure I follow you, Kaji-san."

"Ah-ah. If Asuka sings anything like she plays the violin, she can't
help but capture your eye." Shinji blushed furiously. "Young Mister
Ikari is living with a beautiful young woman--his own age--and he
doesn't know what to make of it all."

"Stop it, Kaji-san."

"I'm just saying," Kaji more than said, "that I personally can't help
but wonder what you're going to do."

Ikari Shinji then did a very uncharacteristic thing. Subconsciously
inspired, and perhaps encouraged, by his brief talk with his father,
he turned on Kaji. "You know what, Kaji-san? Sometimes, when
you...when you're trying as hard as you can to get what you want,
you, you remind me of my father. You do. And I can't hate my
father. But I can be as angry as I want to be with you."

Spoken and done with it, Shinji ran off to find Asuka, or Misato, or
anyone else who could take him out of the Geofront and away from
his problems of the moment. For his part, Kaji was quiet, dwelling
on his sudden emasculation. After all, there had been truth to
Shinji's words.

Asuka practiced her singing that evening alone in her room, as far
away from Misato as she could get. Shinji sat on top of his bed and
stewed. Kaji was right: Asuka was beautiful when she sang, very
beautiful. Unapproachably beautiful to a small and weak boy like
himself. Ikari Shinji had spent many nights reviewing the previous
fourteen years of his life, as much as he could remember, and
always arrived at the conclusion that he had no idea what to do.
Neither his uncle, nor his teacher, nor his commanding officer, had
offered him any substantive advice. That left Shinji with two
options: Kensuke's mass media, and/or dirty jokes from Touji.
Things looked grim.

Was it love that he felt for Asuka? How could he find out? And if it
was, then whatever was he supposed to do with himself?

That next morning in class, complete and utter hell broke loose.
Kirishima Mana had put on bright red lipstick and dark mascara.
She also wore a pair of gold earrings--for pierced ears--and a pair of
long loose socks scrunched down as low as they could be. Plainly
visible underneath her seifuku blouse was a pink brassiere. "I don't
believe this," Asuka growled. "I'm having to sit next to a street
walker run over by paint truck."

"Excuse me," Mana shot back in a breathy voice, "did you say
something to me, little girl?"

"I said you're all ready to go except a for a price tag."

Every other person in the classroom started slowly backing away
from them.

"If I want to hear your opinion," Mana retorted, rising up out of her
chair, "I'll eat beans for breakfast. Because I don't take lip from a
silly little baby who thinks that a relationship is nothing but pink
and white and eternal bliss--"

"And you," Asuka snarled, "think it's just tab A, slot B, and then
you get a new handbag. Maybe."

Mana was quick with her fingernails but Asuka was quicker with a
wrist lock. Twisting the joint outside, she tried to pin Mana's arm.
Her rival made a lucky grab with her left hand, seized a clump of
hair and pulled. Asuka shrieked. She kicked wildly and connected
with Mana's ankle. Losing her balance, Mana tumbled over onto a
chair and Asuka was dragged down with her.

Across the classroom, Touji nudged Shinji. Shinji's brain unlocked,
and he managed to say weakly, "Asuka...uh...stop?"

Horaki Hikari burst into the room, screaming ferociously. "Langley!
Kirishima! You two stop that at ONCE, do you hear me? UP! Both
of you, right this instant, get up and behave yourselves."

The two girls had already disentangled themselves and were
standing up, reluctantly facing the class representative's wrath.
Asuka wore an expression of smoldering anger and was carefully
massaging her right elbow. Mana was much the worse for wear:
blurry-eyed, she had one hand rubbing where her lower back had
landed on the chair's seat. She was also ostentatiously not putting
any weight on her right ankle.

"Just look at the two of you," Hikari muttered, then continued at
her previous volume, "Before we do anything more, I want you two
to apologize to one another, like proper young ladies." She paused,
more for effect than for a solution: both combatants had put on
expressions of disinterest and displeasure. Hikari slammed the
attendance book down on a desk and went for their ears. Mana let
out a loud whine and clutched at the side of her own head, while
Asuka growled but let herself be led out of the classroom. And then
it was all over.

Shinji's cell phone rang around midday. He excused himself from
the classroom and answered. To his surprise, it was Kaji Ryouji on
the other end of the line.

"What happened this morning?" Kaji asked earnestly.

"Asuka got into a fight with one of the other girls," Shinji replied.
"She still hasn't returned from the main office. I was expecting her
back a long time ago."

"She's here at the Geofront," Kaji said. "Misato has her in a holding
cell...reading her the riot act, it seems like."

Shinji gasped. "But, it was just a...a thing, it was over in a
moment...Asuka doesn't deserve...her choir audition! Is Misato-san
going to cancel Asuka's choir audition because she got in a fight?"

Kaji grunted noncommittally. "She may, she may not. It's her
decision ultimately. Of course..."

"Of course what?"

"She might be influenced by eyewitness testimony. Someone who
was there and saw the whole thing."

"Eyewitness? Like..." Shinji was silent for a long moment before he
asked, "What should I say, Kaji-san?"

Kaji sighed. "I can't tell you that, young man. I just called to let
you know what happened to Asuka. You'll have to decide what to say--
if you're going to say anything at all--yourself."

"I understand." A moment later, Shinji added, "Thank you for the
call, Kaji-san. I'm sorry about what I said yesterday."

"Think nothing of it, Shinji-kun. We all make decisions we later
regret." Kaji rang off. Shinji tucked away his phone and turned back
towards the classroom, abruptly coming face to face with Ayanami
Rei and her placid gaze.

"Ah, that wasn't an emergency call," he explained. "Kaji-san just
called to say that Asuka's in a cell at the Geofront."

"But she responded appropriately," Rei said. "Kirishima swung,
and Langley responded with necessary force."

"Ayanami! Are you saying...Asuka did the right thing?"

"The circumstances do not matter. It is our purpose to defeat the
Angels. If that means that we need to fight to assure our own
personal security as well, so be it." She returned perfunctorily to
the classroom while Shinji remained in the hall. Rei's line of
reasoning, flawed though it was, had a certain rationale to it, one
that he thought he could use.

And so, after school got out for the day, Ikari Shinji hurried to the
Geofront. He found Katsuragi Misato in her office, with a cooling
cup of coffee in her hand and scowling at yet another massive stack
of paperwork on her desk. At Shinji's approach, Misato waved him
inside. "I swear, SOMEBODY is slipping their paperwork into my
stack while I'm not looking. What can I help you with, Shinji-kun?"

"Er... I think you owe Asuka an apology for what you did today,"
Shinji mumbled.

Misato's expression became skeptical. "My, what's come over
Shinji-kun today? Are you trying to help your girlfriend out of
jail?"

"She doesn't deserve it, Misato-san." It took all the boy's courage to
look his superior officer and housemate directly in the eye. He
went on, "Just yesterday, you were saying how Asuka needed a
rival. You've got what you wanted now."

A very cold, rigid silence descended. _I mustn't run away,_ Shinji
thought. _I must not run away now, of all times._

"Do you mean to suggest," Misato said in a calculating tone of
voice, "that Asuka should beat up her rivals without mercy? That
_that_ is acceptable behavior for a young woman?"

She had fallen into his trap. He would have smiled if he could have.
"Asuka isn't only a young woman, Misato-san. She's the Second
Child. She has a job, and that job is not _negotiating_ with Angels.
It's defeating them." He took a deep breath. "My friend Kensuke
tells me that it's hard for battlefield veterans to separate their
survival instincts from their civilian behavior. I don't know, but I
would guess it's just as hard for a middle school girl--who's been
trained for combat her entire life."

Misato's gaze went from Shinji's face to the floor, up to her
paperwork, over to her coffee cup, then back to the floor and stayed
there. She set her cup down on the desktop, pulled off her ID tag
and tossed it to Shinji. "Asuka's in the same place you were, you
know, that time. You remember where that was?"

"Yes."

"The code on the lock is 1242941. Swipe the card first. And..." She
hesitated in the long moment it took to raise her head. "And tell
Asuka that there's no excuse for my  behavior. I am truly sorry,
from the bottom of my heart."

"I will, Misato-san. Please excuse me, Misato-san." Shinji stood,
bowed and took his leave. His retreat through the corridors was not
so quick that he didn't hear Katsuragi Misato shout a very, very
bad word at the top of her lungs.

When he opened the cell's door and his shadow stretched far into
the room, Asuka was curled up on the very far side of the cell, her
head buried in between her knees. "Asuka?" he said. She slowly
lifted her head and turned to look at him...

...and smiled with relief. "Shinji? What's going on?"

"Misato-san's apologized. She says she can't face you right now, but
she's sorry."

Asuka was already walking stiffly to the door. "Shinji..." she began,
then spoke again when she reached the doorway. "Shinji, did you
talk Misato-san into letting me go?"

"It's not like that," he said with genuine modesty. "Misato-san chose
to let you out...and Kaji-san and Ayanami both helped me out."

"Kaji-san? And...her? All of you?"

"Uh, yes."

_They didn't have to help me,_ Asuka thought. _But I'm glad they
did._ For some reason, the thought of her fight against the seventh
Angel sprang to mind. She quickly pushed the thought away.
"Shinji-kun...do you think...maybe...I should apologize to Mana?"

"Yes, I think you should," he replied. "In fact...maybe you should
talk to Hikari-inchou first. If you're going to apologize, you might
as well include her as well."

"Do you think she'd come with me if I got it over with right now?"

"Oh, certainly! Of course."

"Then that's what I'll do." Asuka stepped over the threshold and
brushed past Shinji. She opened her mouth to say something
more...

...and she saw him standing up straight, with his sea-blue eyes
bright amidst shadow...

...and her tongue got tied up in her mouth, and she couldn't even
begin to talk. So Asuka quickly walked off to find a phone,
remembering to wave politely over her shoulder at the boy she
couldn't face.

A few minutes later, Asuka was idly twisting the cord of what was
supposed to be an emergency phone, listening to the rhythms of
the ringer across the wire. Her heart quivered as someone on the
other end picked up. "Horaki residence."

"Hello, Hikari-chan?"

"Asuka? Asuka-chan? Oh, gosh, Asuka-chan, where did you go off
to? We've all been wondering where you were this whole time.
What happened?"

In her darkest moments, when hours had stretched infinite and
still, Sohryu Asuka Langley had pictured her own death.
Sometimes, she had thought she would be missed when she was
dead and gone. Sometimes, she had feared she would be forgotten
in an instant. Now that she had a glimmer of an answer, she felt
strangely empty. Like it didn't really matter one way or the other.

"Um...Asuka?"

"Hikari...Hikari, I want...I would like to...like to say...erg!
Hikari, verdammt, I'm sorry I got in a fight today in class. No, that
sounds insincere, doesn't it? Listen to me, Hikari, I don't want to
make a big production of this. I...ah...I should have written this out
beforehand. I'm...what I'm trying to say is, I shouldn't have acted
like I did. Right? Did I say that right?"

"Asuka-chan? Whatever's come over you?"

"I'm...I'm angry. At a bunch of things right now. But I really mean
it, Hikari. And I was also wondering, would you come with me? I
need...I need to say something to Kirishima, too. And I think it
would be better if you came with me."

Hikari's reply was a moment in coming. "I suppose so, Asuka.
Where are you right now?"

"I'm in the Geofront." Asuka glanced at her wristwatch.
Midafternoon had come while she had been locked away. "If I
hurry, I can get that bus that goes by the mall and then over toward
your place. Do you know which one I'm talking about?"

"Yeah! The Kirishimas live about a ten minute ride on down the
line. I'll meet you at the bus stop, so sit by the window, 'kay?"

"'Kay, see you soon." Asuka hung up the phone just before she
remembered her thank-yous, and she ran off to catch an elevator to
the surface. But her thoughts followed on her heels. Kaji's smiling
face. Misato's wrath. Shinji's shadow. _That_ shadow. The second
shadow. The Second Child. The Third Child. Playing a cello. A low,
long sound, almost like a human voice. Her voice. Her voice
singing "Ware wa Umi no Ko." Mana's face covered in blood.
Asuka's own blood. Her Evangelion. Three Evangelions. Fighting...

Asuka thought, grimacing, _I have a chance to make everything
right with the world. And I don't have time to get caught up in my
own thoughts._ So she concentrated on the steps to be taken,
destinations to be reached. Corridor led to elevator. Elevator led to
checkpoint. Checkpoint led to bus stop. Bus stop led to bus route.
And before she knew it, Hikari was beside her, and she wasn't
alone with her memories anymore.

"'preciate your trouble," Asuka said, endeavoring to sound casual.

"My thought," Hikari replied, "is that 'all's well that ends well.' So
don't let it bother you, Asuka-chan."

"Well, in that case--"

Asuka broke off as both girls moved to let two elderly people take
their seats at the front of the bus. By chance, the friends had caught
the first bus of the evening rush hour, and the only other pair of
adjacent seats was at the very back. When they were seated, Asuka
spoke first. "Hikari-chan, I need some advice..."

"Sure!"

"The thing is..."

Asuka momentarily considered trusting Hikari with the complete
truth, dismissed the idea reluctantly, and substituted a white lie
instead. "The thing is, I want to do something nice for KAJI-SAN.
But I'm having trouble getting ahold of him...and I've run out of
ideas."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Asuka giggled. "I thought about calling him up and
screaming bloody murder so he'd HAVE to call me back and find
out what was going on. But I'm not that quite desperate yet."

Hikari smiled merrily. "You're funny, Asuka-chan. You really are.
Ah, let me think. What might be a good way to get a boy's
attention...?"

Her older sister had met a boy who called himself "The Master of
the Cheap Date". They went on picnics, or to free concerts, or
danced in the park to his mix tapes. Her sister was madly in love
with him, but Hikari found his attitude stingy. To the young girl's
mind, spending money seemed like some kind of barometer of how
your feelings lay. Hikari thought Asuka had saved up her salary
from being a pilot, so a small gift wouldn't be too difficult. The
problem was Kaji-san. It seemed like he had everything in the
material world he wanted and nothing more. He didn't seem like
the fancy-schmancy gigolo type, which meant jewelry or fancy
clothes were out of the question.

She was glancing idly at the people around them when she picked
up on it: no fewer than six salarymen in the bus were carrying
bento boxes with them. Of course, the boxes would be empty now...

Excitedly, Hikari turned to Asuka. "You could make him a special
lunch!"

"Huh?"

"You know. They say the way to a boy's heart is through his
stomach. Of course! It's as clear as day now!" Their stop had
arrived. Both girls moved up the aisle and off the bus, Hikari still
talking eagerly. "You could find out what foods he likes, and then
make a special lunch, and you don't even have to surprise him with
it, you could TELL him you're going to make him lunch, only be
cool about it, and say you've made too much food, or rather, that
you ALWAYS make too much food, and you don't want to waste
the leftovers, and he'd go for it in a minute because he always eats
so much plain old junk, I know he does, because I've seen what he
eats..."

"Hikari-chan?"

"What?"

"Actually, Shinji makes our lunches."

Thinking quickly, Hikari asked, "What does Shinji have to do with
all of this?"

Thinking even quicker, Asuka came back with, "Isn't this
Kirishima's place?"

"Why, so it is."

The Kirishimas lived in a small white house just off the main street.
There was a tiny postage stamp of a front yard, dominated by a
single pine tree of medium height. A path of flat granite slabs led
from the driveway up to the front door.  The girls rang the
doorbell. Presently, a grown woman's voice came from the
intercom speaker. "Who is it, please?"

Asuka and Hikari glanced at one another before Asuka stepped up
to the intercom. "My name is Sohryu Asuka Langley, I'm Mana's
classmate. I'm here to apologize for my behavior...and the class
representative is with me."

It was a long moment before the woman said, "Please wait outside
just a moment." Asuka stepped away from the intercom back to
Hikari's side. Both girls pricked up their ears when two voices,
exchanging sharp words, came their way from somewhere inside.
Then house fell quiet again.

The door was opened shortly by a woman in her 50s dressed in a
lavender house kimono. Tired lines defined her face, making her
eyes looked quite sad. Her hair style was conservative and severe,
grey where it met her temples. Her poise was refined and graceful,
standing by the doorway with one hand on her clothes and the
other propping the door ajar.

The woman spoke in a soft and weary voice. "I deeply regret this,
but my daughter is being a bit troublesome at the moment. Won't
you come inside?"

Both girls stood awkwardly at the sight of such a handsome and
refined matron before Hikari collected herself and stepped
forward. "Sorry to intrude, ma'am," she said and stepped into the
entry way proper.

"You've nothing to apologize to me for," the woman replied. Then
she turned to Asuka. "You must be...ah...Fraulein Langley? Did I
say that right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Sohryu Asuka Langley." Asuka's sense of shame
knew fresh blood. She went on evenly, "I am the one who teased
Mana today at school. And if I could do it all over again, I
wouldn't."

The woman shook her head sadly. "I never should have let my poor
girl go out of doors this morning dressed up like that. Mana-
chan...we've never been able to say no to her, not really. It's hard
to believe she's almost in high school already, growing up so fast."
She raised her head. "But you haven't come to hear the complaints of a
housewife as she grows old, have you?"

"You're Mana-chan's mother?" Hikari asked politely.

"Step-mother, yes." She led the two young girls into the sitting
room, where there were some cookies on a plate at a low table.
Asuka and Hikari seated themselves by the plate but didn't eat.
"My husband and I weren't able to have children, no matter what
we tried. At long last, we decided to adopt before we were too old
to care for her. Ah, let me try to get her down here once more."

Hikari and Asuka sat quietly, looking at the room around them:
furniture, paintings and prints, an ikebana arrangement. Five
minutes passed, eight, ten. Mrs. Kirishima appeared again, alone. "I
deeply apologize. My daughter..."

Asuka held up her hand. "Frau Kirishima. Your daughter has every
reason to be angry with me, and I accept that. All I ask is that you
accept my apologies on her behalf."

"But..."

"Please." Asuka extended a hand, and Mrs. Kirishima reluctantly
took it. A moment later, Hikari stood. "We'd best be getting along.
Thank you for the cookies, Kirishima-okusan."

"Let me show you to the door." As their hostess led them outside,
the group of three intercepted a man about her age: a salaryman of
medium height and build, whose only exceptional feature was a
thin, jet-black moustache.

"Ah! Some of Mana's classmates?" he asked in a dry voice. He took
off his hat and politely added, "Good afternoon. I'm very pleased to
meet you both."

"Dear..." Mrs. Kirishima gestured to her husband. At the threshold,
she whispered something into his ear. He quickly turned to the two
girls, and the couple bowed in unison. Asuka and Hikari returned
the bow, then made their way away.

Asuka spoke only when they had arrived at the bus stop. "Hikari-
chan...you know that I can be competitive."

"Mm-hm."

Asuka kicked a pebble idly, watching it bounce out into the street.
"This isn't like me. I feel like I should be proud that Mana-chan
couldn't even face me." She nervously moved her bag from one
hand to the other. "But, see, I wanted her to come out and face me. I
wanted to be able to draw the line and say, 'Here is where Sohryu
Asuka Langley and her classmate Mana exchanged apologies. The
next day, they went back to being schoolmates and everything was
right with the world.' Instead, I just feel empty."

Hikari nodded. "It's OK to feel how you feel," she said
supportively. Asuka kept her lips pursed together, and Hikari
fancied there was something not yet spoken. "What's on your mind,
Asuka-chan?" she inquired.

"Ah...I think it was Shinji who talked Misato-san into letting me
come to apologize," Asuka muttered. "And if I gave Shinji," she
went on, "just as practice," she added reluctantly, "some lunch or
something," she managed to spit out, "what do you think he'd
think?" she finished.

And just like that, everything came together for the class
representative. Grinning as broadly as the horizon was long,
Horaki Hikari exclaimed, "Why, I think he'd really appreciate it,
Asuka-chan!"

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely!"

"'Cause I've been thinking--hey, what are you smiling about?"

"Nothin'. Here comes the bus!"

Asuka returned home in silence, barely remembering to wave as
her friend got off. Her time alone in the dark that day was in her
mind, but strangely, it wasn't the foremost thing. The girl felt as if
there was some tremendous object in front of her, blocking her path
to tranquility, that she could only move with her mind. And no
matter how she approached it, how she grappled with it, the
weight only ever shuddered back down upon her. The nature of the
weight...it had something to do with Shinji, and it had something to
do with Asuka herself, and something how she behaved and
everyone else--Shinji in particular--responded to it all.

If it only were possible to know the approach to the problem. It was
nothing like her physics courses in college. In physics, you took a
big problem and broke it down into smaller steps. Each step had
variables in it. Each variable could be used with certain equations.
By using the equations, you assembled the variables like a grand
mathematical cathedral, or an epic character play; and soon
enough, the forces of nature could produce only one kind of result.
It was inevitable.

So what was inevitable about Sohryu Asuka Langley thinking
about a boy who flinched every time she said "Das ist ja eines
schnes Hemd, baka-Shinji!"?

"He lets Misato pick on him, too," she thought aloud as she climbed
up the stairs to the apartment. "And he panics if anything out of the
ordinary happens. And he lets people push him around. And
he...and he wears that stupid pink frilly apron when he's cooking, it
drives me nuts!"

The door to their apartment burst open. Ikari Shinji, wearing the
pink apron, staggered out looking more than a little pale. "A-A-
Asuka," he stammered, "Misato-san's gone completely berserk! S-s-
stop her!"

"What are you talking about?" Asuka asked, pushing past Shinji.
Even before she entered the living room, she saw that the
apartment was _orderly_. Not just neat, like anyone could make it.
That stack of magazines that Shinji dusted but always left out on
the table was put away. Pen-pen's fish dish had a new placemat
underneath it. The picture frames that were normally tipped askew
in the hallway had been hung with a different set of pictures in
them.

There was only one conceivable explanation, and it was so logically
impossible Asuka could scarcely believe the truth.
"Misato..._helped_ you clean up?" she goggled.

"I--I helped her!" He pointed to the balcony: Misato was wiping
down the glass with old pieces of newsprint. Shinji went on,
"Misato-san told me to make hamburgers for you. I thought you
liked ramen better, so I made hamburger ramen. Is that OK?"

"Welcome home, Asuka-chan!" Katsuragi Misato sang out to the
girl as she came inside from the veranda. "We are going to have a
party tonight. Shinji-kun has whipped up a feast for you, and I've
busted out my old video game systems for a video game
tournament. Winner gets to have her chores done for an ENTIRE
week...and guess who's the odds-on favorite?"

"Squark?" inquired Pen-pen.

"Ah, thank you, Misato." Still dazed, Asuka glanced at the
television screen. Misato had set up a 2-d fighting game, where one
animated school girl was throwing test tubes full of chemicals at
another one. It looked somewhat interesting. "I'm going to go
change, I'll be right back out."

"Fine, fine! We're not going anywhere."

Alone for a moment in her room, Asuka reflected that Shinji was
right: Misato _had_ gone berserk. She'd done everything possible to
get on Asuka's good side--clean up her messes, prepare decent
food, give Asuka video games, offer her freedom from her chores--
everything, except say that she had been wrong to pull the girl out
of school and lock her up in solitary confinement for the better part
of a day. If that wasn't crazy...

...to not be honest with your feelings...

"Baka-Misato," Asuka muttered. She quickly slipped into a t-shirt
and jeans, then went back out into the living room where a
steaming hot bowl of ramen was waiting. Misato had already
started eating, Shinji waited until Asuka was seated before saying
"Itadakimasu."

Asuka took her bowl in her hands. "Misato?"

"Mm?"

"How did you and Kaji-san meet? That was while you were in
college, right?"

"Mm." Misato set down her bowl. "Ah, yeah, that's a story. My first
semester in college, I took an 8 AM lecture. Talk about bone-
headed. Did you ever take early morning classes, Asuka-chan?"

"No. Nothing before 10 AM or so."

"Clever girl. At least this was a history lecture, so it wasn't too
intense. Naturally, I overslept one morning. It wasn't for too long,
mind you, Rit-chan woke me up. But the lecture was halfway over
when I got to the classroom...and I'd left my notebook back in my
room."

Shinji stared at Misato in utter disbelief.

"I dropped into the first empty seat I could find, and I asked the
person next to me if I could get his notes later. He said that was
fine. And then at the end of class, I turn like this...and I take a
look at the guy...and he's DASHING cute. I'd asked the hottest guy
in the whole class for his lecture notes. Can you believe it?"

"And that was...Kaji-san?"

"It was, of course. And then, he wouldn't give me his notes
UNLESS I came on a date with him that Saturday. What could I do?
I let him wine me and dine me at the fanciest restaurant in town
that evening. And then, when the bill came, I put EXACTLY half
the bill in cash on the table, told him we were even, and just walked
away."

"You're KIDDING me!"

"But he had the last laugh. That very next morning--he'd got my
phone number somehow, probably from a certain bottle blonde--
and he asked me out like a proper gentleman. Well, I thought it
was charming of him to do it right, so I gave him a second chance.
And the rest is...history." Misato took a long swig of her beer. "I
could tell you a million stories about the next four years of our
lives. Many of which, I might add, are not fit for a young lady's
ears..."

Asuka smirked. "Like _what_?"

Misato shot that smirk right back at her charge, then tossed her the
controller. "You think you can beat it out of me, Second Child?"

They had a round-robin tournament, and Asuka came out the
winner, to the surprise of none. She asked for a movie, and the
three watched the original Star Wars trilogy late into the evening.
Asuka was nodding, and Misato had fallen asleep, by the time
Shinji collected their bowls and took them into the kitchen.

Reluctantly, Asuka picked herself up off the floor. She glanced
down the hall towards her room, then back to the kitchen. Shinji
had already started making their lunches for the next day.

Asuka chose the kitchen. "Shinji-kun," she said, "thanks again for
speaking to Misato today."

"It's fine. Did you enjoy the party?"

"Yeah. Do you need help with the lunch stuff?"

"No, thank you."

"Oh."

But she stayed a moment longer. "Misato told a lot of funny stories
this evening, didn't she?"

"I suppose so."

"You were laughing at them, Shinji-kun. You must have found
them pretty funny."

Shinji nodded. "I laughed at them. Misato-san's a good story teller,
don't you think? But I don't know about them." He scooped the
pickles he'd cut into their bentos and then put down the knife. "For
instance, that first one she told? About how she met Kaji-san?"

"Yeah?"

"I asked him how he met Misato-san just after you came to town."
He leaned forward on his elbows. "His story was completely
different. He said some of Misato's friends had left her alone in a
club while they were bar hopping, and some old guy had started
hitting on her. So he acted like he was her boyfriend to get her
away from the old guy. They danced some, and then he walked her
home and got a kiss from her at her front door."

"Huh." Asuka leaned against a wall, thinking. "That is completely
different from Misato's story."

"Yeah. You don't know who to believe, do you?"

"Or either of them." Asuka followed Shinji with her eyes as he put
the bento boxes into the refrigerator. "I can make lunch for us
someday, Shinji-kun."

"All right." He paused. "Asuka..."

"What?"

"You haven't practiced your singing today, Asuka. Could I hear
you sing your song?"

All the blood in Asuka's brain rushed out into a blush.
"Shi...n...ji...i...?" she squeaked.

Oblivious to her embarrassment, Shinji smiled politely. "You don't
have to sing loudly. Besides, Misato could sleep through a bomb
blast. You won't wake her up."

_I'm not panicking_ Sohryu Asuka Langley, Evangelion pilot,
college graduate, drop-dead beauty and polyglot told herself. _He's
heard me sing before. It's just for practice. I'm not panicking. This
is just baka-Shiiiii...baka-Shiiii...

_I think I might be panicking._

Asuka managed to disguise her hyperventilating as some quick
vocal warm-ups. With eyes closed and not facing him directly, she
sang "Ware Wa Umi No Ko". Then she said she was tired, she ran
to her room, flopped down on the bed and wrapped her pillow up
in a bear hug. All before he could say, "Thank you". All because a
boy liked to hear her sing.

"What is happening to me?" she whispered into her pillow. "I live
with a cowardly boy who won't stand up to people unless he's told
to...and I live with a heroic boy who fights Angels. I live with a boy
who runs away from things that hurt him...and who fights to
protect those he barely knows. I live with a boy who stands idly by
when I'm Number One and who accepts it with equanimity when
he is." She doodled kanji in midair with her fingertip as she added,
"I live with a boy named 'Ikari Shinji', and if I write it one way it
means 'Truly Angry', and if I write it another way it means 'The
Real Anchor'.

"I want to find out who this boy is. I'll go crazy if I don't." With a
wistful, very private smile, she added, "And if I do...it could be
sweet."

Wednesday morning passed without one word exchanged between
Asuka and Mana. At one point, Hikari made up an excuse and
tried talking to Mana, who responded with only a few chilled
words. Many, many private comments shuttled electronically
around the classroom during the morning lecture.

Touji deputized Shinji for lunch. It was a beautiful day for a
lunchtime conversation up on the roof. The sky was mottled with a
few tortoiseshell clouds. A warm wind muffled their conversation
from curious ears.

"So what happened yesterday?"

"I told you twice. I also told Kensuke four times, and I know you
asked him what I told you."

"Ya, well, copying and pasting the same story to him an' me don't
count."

"I was being efficient."

Touji laughed. "You really don't know, then? She didn't confide
nothin' to ya?"

"No...why should she?"

"How DENSE are ya? 'Cause you're her boyfriend, ya drooling
moron!"

"TOUJI! It isn't like that. Give me a napkin, you made me get juice
all over my shirt."

Touji let Shinji clean himself up before he went on. "Shinji-kun.
Think back to when you first came here, 'kay?"

"OK."

"You remember how Mana-chan baked cookies and gave you
some?"

"Yeah."

"You remember how Hiroko-chan invited you to the roller hockey
tournament she was in?"

"Uh-huh."

"You remember how whatserface, the girl in first year, took you to
her dad's sporting goods store to get your gym shoes? It saved you
4000 or something?"

"Yeah, I remember." Shinji looked evenly at his friend. "So?"

Touji shook his head. "You are so friggin' DENSE. You ever think
about why none of that shit has happened since the Demon came to
town?"

Shinji's eyes bulged. "Oh, NO."

"Is that a 'I could've had three girlfriends by now' oh no?" Touji's
smile twisted into a frown when his friend didn't respond. Shinji
did absolutely nothing more than hold his head in his hands for a
very long time. The only sound was the white noise from the
rushing breeze.

"Ne, Shinji-kun. S'matter?"

At length, Shinji broke the silence. "I lived with my aunt and uncle
and cousin for a few years--I told you that, right? I didn't live in
the house, I lived out in the tool shed. When it was hot, I sat outside
the tool shed and read. When it was cold, I sat inside the tool shed
and bundled up. I was allowed inside for meals and that was about it.

"It's happened so long ago now, I don't remember how old I was.
One summer afternoon, a red hawk flew over the tool shed.
Tracing out circles across heaven." Shinji stretched out on his back
and stared up, superimposing the events on the Tokyo-3 sky. "I
watched it all afternoon, it felt like. Sometimes I was jealous of the
hawk because it could fly and I was stuck in the tool shed.
Sometimes I was angry at the hawk because it had come to the
patch of sky right over me and wouldn't leave me alone. Sometimes
I was delighted by the hawk because it was so beautiful. Sometimes
I was afraid of the hawk because it made me feel like I was being
hunted.

"But I couldn't be Ikari Shinji while the hawk was overhead. I could
only live in terms of the hawk, how the hawk related to me. And I
wondered, what does the hawk think of me? Is it jealous, or angry,
or delighted, or afraid? Couldn't tell. It was far, far above me."

The wind picked for a moment, tempering the sound of the class
bell.

"So...Asuka's like the red hawk?"

Shinji sat up. "The red hawk is a single lightning bug. And Asuka's
the stars in the summer sky."

Touji whistled. "Wow. Gotta remember that one. You ever preach
shit like that to her? 'Cause chicks LOVE that shit."

They walked side by side down the roof stairs. "Every time I try, it
just comes out corny."

"Well, there has to be somethin' you can do. There has to be SOME
way to tell her. Try stuff, you know?"

Shinji smiled and opened the classroom door. "I'll remember that,
Touji-kun." The boys entered the classroom and took their seats as
Abe-sensei slid into his afternoon lecture.

Once he was sure his immediate neighbors had stopped paying
attention, Shinji clicked up a file from his laptop's hard disk. It
was a poem for Asuka, or rather, the embryo of a poem. Shinji had
begun it "Yo no naka wo", poetically invoking the world two lovers
lived in. Exactly in the same way as poets of the past thousand-
some years had done. It wasn't much of a start.

_He said that there had to be something I could do,_ Shinji mused.
_I don't have to write her a poem. What about my cello? I could
make a recording of me playing the Cello Suite.

_Or..._

Shinji's mind skipped between the cello, a violin, the staff paper
and Asuka sitting and listening to him play. _Asuka's got a violin,
she said. I could write a solo piece for cello now, and write a violin
accompaniment she could play later! I wonder if she'd like that. She
did say she'd play a duet with me..._

A chat box popped open on the desktop, obscuring the one line of
poetry he'd plagiarized. It was from Touji. /what r  u smilin
about???/?/

/I was just thinking about something./

/bad habit/

/Thanks for talking to me today, Touji-kun./ Another chat box
appeared. /I'll talk to you later./

/wifey on ur case??/

Shinji closed the box and clicked over to Asuka's message. /SHINJI
AFTER SCHOOL THE CLASS REP AND I ARE GOING TO
SUCKLE WITH MANA OR TRY TO IF HER MOTHER WILL
HELP US SO I WONT WALK HOME WITH YOU/

The boy decided that there was something wrong with reality, so
he read the message again.

SHINJI AFTER SCHOOL THE CLASS REP AND I ARE GOING TO
SUCKLE WITH MANA OR TRY TO IF HER MOTHER WILL
HELP US SO I WONT WALK HOME WITH YOU

No, everything was still crazy. The third time he read the message,
Shinji saw that "suckle" wasn't conjugated correctly: it was taking
the wrong helping verb. He quickly wrote down the kanji, stared at
it for inspiration, saw the mistake, rewrote the verb stem and
composed a reply to Asuka:

/Asuka, by "suckle", do you actually mean "meet"?/

There was a terrified gurgle from the next row over, exactly as if a
scream of horror and shame was being strangled silent, and then
the boy received a supplemental: /SHINJI DELETE THAT
MESSAGE THIS INSTANT OR YOU WILL DIE/

A dark cloud of fear hung over Sohryu Asuka Langley for the
remainder of the afternoon. She wanted to trust Shinji to erase her
terrible, terrible typo. She wanted to trust Shinji. Die though she
would before she would admit it, she was developing an awkward
crush on her fellow pilot. It was sweet and it was unnerving, like
her first taste of red wine. And the worst thing Ikari Shinji could do
to her then and there was betray her trust. "Fear is worse than the
danger itself," she'd said once. She knew it, but she couldn't
practice it. Something was blocking Asuka's path to emotional ease.

Was that the object she was struggling against? Her own fear? It
seemed somehow beneath her to have so trivial a thing as an
emotion be her opponent. Yet there it was--one answer. A place to
begin from.

A little bit before classes got out for the day, Asuka's cell phone
rang. She went out into the hall to answer it. Akagi Ritsuko's voice
spoke to her: "I would like you to remind the First and Third
Children that there will be a synchronization test at 1700 hours
tomorrow."

Asuka sighed. "Another one? Already?"

"It's been about a week since your last one, Asuka. Besides, you
know that this is every bit as important as maintenance for the
Evangelions."

The girl tapped her foot. "You know, my good friend Calvin
wouldn't mind seeing it pushed back to the weekend."

Akagi cleared her throat. "Don't make a boob of yourself, Pilot."

"Was sagest du?" Asuka's brain began spinning wildly.
"You...you...you SAW that?"

"We have microphones in your apartment and men in black around
the city, Asuka. Keystroke programs on your computers shouldn't
come as much of a surprise at all."

Asuka groaned and hung up. Turning around to return to the
classroom, she ran into Ayanami Rei much as Shinji had done the
day before. "That was Akagi-hakesei," Asuka said somewhat
testily. "You, me and the Stooge have a synch test tomorrow,
Wonder Girl."

"Understood." Rei moved to return to the classroom, but Asuka
held her back.

"Hey, you've known Shinji-kun for a while now, right?"

"That is correct."

"Do you think he can keep secrets?"

Rei considered the question. "If he is given an order, he can be
entrusted with the responsibility. In that sense, yes."

"No, no, that's not it." Asuka pulled Rei a few steps out of earshot
down the corridor. "Listen to me. How well do you know Shinji-
kun personally?"

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

"Like...have you ever spoken to him outside of work? Or school?"

Offhand, Rei could recall one occasion that fit the description. "He
came to visit me at my apartment once."

"That's more like it." Asuka stepped in closer. "So? What happened?
Did you talk with him?

"Briefly, yes."

"And what did he say?"

Rei turned a little bit pink at the cheeks. "I have had difficulty
since then reconstructing what he said."

"Eh? Why?"

"I was crushed," Rei explained.

"You're KIDDING me!" Asuka gasped, completely missing the
double entendre. "You mean to tell me that he touched your heart
just like that?"

"Almost," Rei said uncomfortably.

_I never knew he was such a gentleman,_ Asuka thought. Quickly
collecting herself, she said sternly, "Ayanami Rei, as your co-
worker, I am ordering you to never, ever mention to anyone that
we had this conversation."

"That would be perfectly acceptable," Rei said and hurried back to
class.

Her confidence somewhat buoyed, Asuka left school together with
Hikari and Mana. Asuka and Hikari chatted comfortably as they
walked to the bus stop, but Mana barely spoke to acknowledge
them. Finally, as they boarded the bus, Asuka decided that she had
put up with enough of Mana's behavior.

She sat primly across the aisle from Hikari and Mana, smiled
confidently and cutely, and spoke: "Mana-chan, I've been trying to
apologize to you for two days now. If you can't accept my
apologies, why, I'll be upset but I'll live with it. But even if you
won't forgive me, I think I deserve some kind of explanation. Don't
you?"

Kirishima Mana was still scowling, but she answered. "Why should
I forgive you? You've got it all. You're the Evangelion pilot we all
depend on. You speak better English than we ever will. You've
traveled the world. You have two boyfriends. But you're not happy
with it all."

Asuka blinked. "Two boyfriends?"

"Yeah. Shinji-kun and that other guy."

"Kaji-san? Ah...he's not really much of a boyfriend yet." Then
Asuka hurriedly added, "But he's much more of a boyfriend than
baka-Shinji is."

Mana looked at her evenly, daring to hurt her. "He's the only boy
our age you talk about. You have him run your errands. You help
him with his homework. He helps you with your Kanji. You shop
together. You do everything boyfriends and girlfriends do
together." Mana looked down at her shoes. "I wanted a boyfriend
too. If you can have two, why can't I have one? Now, okaa-san says
I'm grounded, and I can't go on my date after all. Why should I
forgive you, when all of this is your fault?"

Asuka took a minute to formulate her reply, well-aware Hikari was
with them. "Second question first, Mana. If you want to live my
lifestyle, be aware that there's responsibilities as well as rewards.
Like piloting. I have to train, I have to be ready at any hour of the
day, and then I have to win. There's no makeup if I make a mistake.

"Now, take relationships. If I want a boyfriend, I have to make him
mine and keep him mine. That takes a lot of work: sometimes he's
busy and we have to wait, or he doesn't want to go shopping and
we go to the aquarium instead. I know about the cat-talk going on
behind my back, too. Don't think I'm deaf to it. If I have a
boyfriend, I have to keep other girls at bay. So if you want to live
like I do, Mana, that's fine. But you have to deal with the
consequences of your actions as well.

"But you were asking about me and Shinji-kun." Her voice faltered
a little. "What I was saying about living my lifestyle is true for him
and me, too. The fact is, Mana, that of all the people in this city
Shinji knows me the best. We both work at NERV. We both go to
the same school. For crying out loud, we live in the same house
together. I can talk to him much easier than Wonder Girl. So it's
only natural that I should have some kind of a close relationship
with him."

She leaned back in her seat and added, "We've never been on a
date. We've never kissed. We're just...Asuka and Shinji." To the two
girls across the aisle, Asuka looked quite the saddest little girl in
the world.

The afternoon at the Kirishima's house went much smoother than
their first attempt at reconciliation. Asuka and Hikari ate cookies
and spoke with Mrs. Kirishima, filling the time with empty jokes
and stale stories from school. Mana said little, instead playing the
part of the dutiful daughter, ferrying dishes to the kitchen and tea
out from it. She showed the visitors around the house, pointing out
her room but not letting them inside of it.

As they were leaving, Hikari pulled Mrs. Kirishima aside to talk to
her about Mana's date. Asuka was left alone with Mana.

"So."

"Uh-huh."

"I'm glad that we talked today."

"Me too, then."

Asuka glanced over Mana's shoulder, out of the front door. "Do
you like living here in Tokyo-3?"

Mana shook her head. "I hate it. It's boring, then there's panic. It's
a numb kind of panic, you know. Nothing ever happens. We run off
to the shelters, come back, find out whose house is gone, then get
on with our lives." Then she added, "I guess we have you to thank
for it."

"Not JUST me," Asuka made a point of adding. Then she quickly
went on, "But since I'm like the team leader, I'll tell those other two
for you."

"Is that why you do it?" Mana asked with a trace of sarcasm. "To be
the leader? To be Number One?"

Asuka waited until Mana's mother and Hikari were in earshot
before she said, "I'm glad we had a chance to talk openly and
honestly today, Mana-chan. Sayonara." She and Hikari bowed, and
then they walked off.

"We did that more for Mana's mother than Mana, didn't we?"
Asuka said to Hikari. "Visit, I mean."

Hikari shook her head. "No, I think Mana-chan came away with
something too."

Asuka lowered her voice as she said, "But that cat talk's not going
to go away, is it?"

"Asuka-chan?"

"Why do we do this to ourselves?" Asuka asked. "Why do we take
it and give it, and tie ourselves up in knots over it all?"

"Asuka-chan," Hikari murmured, "I never thought it bothered you
so much."

"It doesn't. I mean, it does, but it doesn't." Asuka heaved a deep
sigh. "It's just that, moment to moment, it's not a problem. It doesn't

get me down. Sometimes, though, it seems like there's never going
to be an end. That's what's infuriating."

She turned to her friend and added, "Sorry to burden you with
this."

Hikari shook her head and smiled. "It's not a burden, Asuka-chan.
I'm a friend you can depend on!"

Once again, Hikari's words stayed with Asuka. She thought about
dependency. Up until now, she had considered dependency
synonymous with weakness. As she rode the bus home that day,
Sohryu Asuka Langley saw Ikari Shinji in a new light. There was a
kind of intimacy that could exist between two people that wasn't
physical at all, an intimacy of shared secrets and mutual trust.
Asuka wanted to feel that way about Kaji; but the more she thought
about the older man, she realized it was only one-way. Kaji simply
had not opened his heart to her. Shinji--maybe because he didn't
know any better--had. Shinji had seen a side of her that nobody else
was privy to.

_I want to find out about this boy I live with,_ Asuka mused again,
dawdling outside the apartment door. Shinji was inside playing the
cello, fingering what sounded like syncopated arpeggios of c#
minor and E major chords. Whatever Shinji was doing in there, his
partial repetitions and groans of disgust made it clear he could only
hear the mistakes.

When she finally went into the apartment proper, Asuka was rather
surprised to see Shinji hurriedly putting his cello and papers away
in his room. "Were you writing some music?" Asuka asked.

"Yeah, uh, I was," Shinji explained glibly. "But then I thought you
might want to get some singing practice, since your audition is
coming up. I can wait."

Asuka raised her voice as she went to her room to change. "What's
the song like?"

"Ah? Wha? Oh. Yeah. There was this...bird. Flying around. And it
looked pretty. So I thought I'd write a song."

"About the bird?"

"Yeah. It's...just a song."

Asuka emerged wearing her favorite yellow dress. "I'd like to hear
it when it's done, Shinji-kun."

"Fine."

Shinji did little more than sit and listen for the rest of the
Afternoon while Asuka sang. She had stopped to rest her voice,
and he had begun their evening meal, by the time Katsuragi Misato
returned home. Their guardian then got drunk as expediently as
possible, making no mention of her mistake only the day before.

After dinner and homework that evening, Asuka found herself too
tired from voice practice to continue any further. She sat at her
desk, picked up a pen and a piece of paper and began to write:

Dearest Kaji-san,

Hallo! It's me, Asuka. How have you been? Where have you
been?

Asuka set down her pen. She picked it up again, then twirled it
between her fingers. "Where have you been, Kaji-san?" she asked
aloud. Reluctantly, she pushed the paper over to one side of her
desk. She took out a clean sheet of paper and stared at it for a long
time, as if to be inspired by the minute variation in the page's
thickness. _My lifestyle,_ Asuka thought. _I chose all of this. I chose
to come to Japan, I chose to become a pilot, I chose to work at all
hours of the day and go to university. This is how I want it. Even if
I don't like some individual moments, it's still my karma. I make a
choice, I live with the consequences._

She wrote at the top of the page:

Liebe Papa,

_Sohryu Asuka Langley,_ she thought, _can write a letter to her
own father._ She continued in German:

Hello! I haven't heard from you or my mother since I arrived
in town. Tokyo-3 is a lot different from home in Germany. I've
been busy learning the rest of my Kanji--

She added, puckishly, in Japanese:

Can you read Kanji?

And went on:

I forget, do you speak Japanese? How well do you know
Japanese culture? I don't suppose you've done any reading
about it lately? Well, why should you? I'm only your own
daughter, halfway around the world from you. I don't see
why you should. Honestly, I would be surprised if you've
read even one of those progress reports the Major turns
in every week on me. Have you ever paid me the slightest
bit of attention since I was born?

No, I'm not just being argumentative, I want to know--HAVE
you paid attention to me? Ever? Because I can't remember
you going out of your way for me once. You'd always send
that damned wife of yours, to try and get on my good side.
And, if you want the truth of the matter, yeah, I was a
bitch to her. Can you blame me? Can you? Maybe, if you had
made an honest effort to acknowledge my existence--

You didn't with Mama, either, did you? I can't remember
you at all in the first five years of my life. Where were
you, _Father_? No matter what kind of a person SHE was,
there's no reason why you had to give up on ME, not teach
me right from wrong, not make me feel

Blood poured out onto the paper, tap-tappity-tappity, streaking
across the German-Japanese patois like a bright red gout of flame.
Asuka clapped her hand to her mouth and screamed, more in
surprise than pain. She kicked her chair out from underneath her
and staggered out of her room. Shinji followed right behind her.

At the bathroom mirror, Asuka forced her mouth open. Dark blood
obscured everything. Shinji reached for her mouth; reflexively,
Asuka slapped his hand away; and then a moment later, she
lowered her guard and opened her mouth wide. Slowly and
cautiously this time, Shinji pressed down her chin and looked
inside.

"I think you must've bit your tongue," he said softly. "Can you stick
it out, please?"

Asuka did so.

"Yeah. You bit your tongue pretty hard. Let me get you some ice
and a plastic baggie." Shinji left the bathroom for the kitchen.
Asuka took her toothbrushing cup, filled it with water and rinsed
her mouth out.

She watched the blood and saliva run in tiny rivulets into the drain.
_You've got a point, Wonder Girl,_ Asuka thought ruefully. _I hate
the smell of blood, too. Whatever orifice it's coming out of._

Shinji entered the bathroom again. "OK, the cut's up at the tip and
over to the side..."

"Mmthl!"

"Right there. Hold it right there. How does that feel?"

"Aaa."

"Good." Shinji stepped away as Asuka took control of the ice pack.
"Those mouth cuts sure bleed a lot, don't they?"

"Aaa."

"But that means they heal quickly, too." Shinji leaned forward,
studying Asuka's face. "Asuka? Is there something wrong?"

"Aaa?"

"Well, see, your eyes look kinda bleary and bloodshot. Oh, but it's
probably from when you bit your tongue, right?"

A long moment later, Asuka mimed writing something. Shinji
brought her the pen and the pad of paper from next to the
telephone. Holding her ice in her mouth, Asuka wrote, "Shinji have
I ever done anything and you thought I was just being petty?"

Shinji read it, and he thought about it seriously, and then he turned
to Asuka. "I guess you have. I can't think of anything right now."
He smiled and added, "I guess that means I forgive you, since it
doesn't matter that much to me."

His housemate scribbled, "That's good to hear."

The Children spent a quiet Thursday in class, marking time until
the synchronization test. Asuka spent most of her time with ice on
her tongue, impatient for her wound to heal before her audition.
Shinji alternated paying attention to Abe-sensei's lecture and
discouraging both Kensuke and Touji from skipping out of their
classroom duties that afternoon. Rei stared out the window.

Ayanami Rei had spent what passed for her as an uneasy evening
the night before. Something was amiss in her world. On Monday,
Katsuragi-sansa had ordered her to tell a lie to the Second Child.
Then on Wednesday, the Second Child had ordered her to keep
their discussion about the Third Child private. All in all, it was a
strange turn of events, enough to arouse the First Child's curiosity.
Rei didn't have a well-developed sense of humor, nor would she
have understood the idea of a "set-up", but she was acquainted
with irony. And due to the events since Ikari-kun's arrival in
Tokyo-3, she was becoming aware that the world around her
operated by different rules and precepts than the world of Project
E.

That was where her co-pilots entered the picture. The Commander
didn't know; the Head of the Science Division didn't care; the Major
was in a state of denial; but Ayanami herself was cognizant of some
kind of  bond between the Second and the Third Children. Rei
appreciated that a lot of men and women chose to spend their lives
in close company. If the Second and Third Children chose to as
well, and if it was within the mores of the world at large, then it
was of no concern of her own.

She had _thought_.

Then had come the events of the last few days. The emotional
dynamic between the Second and Third Children had changed, but
through some process Rei didn't understand, it was beginning to
involve her. She was consciously aware that, when Ikari and
Langley were in harmony with each other, she was in a state of
ease, while if they were upset with each other, she herself felt
anxiety. That unsettled Rei. She worried that, unbeknownst to her,
some grander scheme was playing out that might necessitate her
playing a role. What could it be? Or was it only her imagination?

Rei roused herself from her thoughts and turned to the computer.
When a problem arose at work, she contacted the Commander.
When one arose at school, she spoke to the teacher. Now, one had
arisen in her personal life: she would speak to Ikari-kun about it.

Ikari-kun,

After class cleaning duty, on our way to the
synchronization test, let us talk.

Ayanami

And that is what they did. Shinji and Rei left Asuka to finish
gossiping with the class representative, and they walked side by
side off to the Geofront.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Shinji asked.

"I know that you have been spending a lot of time interacting with
the Second Child," Rei began. "Furthermore, this interaction has
fundamentally changed the relationship between the two of you."

Shinji turned a little red at the cheeks. "Ah, what do you mean,
Ayanami?"

"I myself am not positive," she replied. "I have never shared close
quarters with another person for an extended period of time. Ikari-
kun, is it normal to act like you and the Second Child do with each
other?"

"I...guess..." Shinji ventured. "I've never had a...housemate...like
Asuka before." He added a moment later, "Asuka and I have a lot
of things in common. We're both pilots, we're both musicians, we
go to the same school and...ah...we have to improve our grades. I
guess it's natural for two people with similar interests to interact
like we do. Does that answer your question?"

Rei was silent for a few moments before she explained herself. "For
perhaps the last three weeks, I have noticed that your behavior--as
individuals, and when you are together--affects my own. The
Commander is very specific that I should do my utmost as a pilot.
Yet, it seems there is a subconscious connection between myself
and yourselves. I find that peculiar."

"That's friendship, Rei," Shinji explained. "You're our friend as well
as our teammate. When you succeed, we're proud of you, and we're
motivated to do our best. When you're hurt, we worry for you."

"Friendship," Rei said. She lowered her voice and moved closer to
Shinji, so close that their shoulders were almost touching. "Ikari-
kun...there is a person in the girl's choir. This person has taken an
interest in my personal life. When the subject of my personal life
comes up, I feel...anxious."

"Anxious?"

"Yes. I experience anxiety, but in an odd way. It is both upsetting
and exhilarating at once. Of course, I do not like being upset and I
can enjoy exhilaration, but I cannot separate the two emotions." She
drew to a halt and stared at Shinji. "I had considered joining the
girl's choir in order to, perhaps, experience the kind of interaction
with this person that you and Langley have experienced. Do you
think that this is within the codes of behavior of our society, Ikari-
kun?"

Shinji answered without hesitation. "I think that the choir's a great
way to meet someone Rei." He added a moment later. "I was
watching you, earlier, when we were cleaning the classroom.
You...squeezed the washrag very well. It made me think of how a
mother would squeeze a washrag. I think...you'd make a good
mother, Rei."

Rei lowered her head and began walking again. "That is not
possible, Ikari-kun. I have complete cervical atresia and no uterus.
Conception is physically impossible."

"Oh." Shinji was struck by how unusually sad Rei appeared, and
hurried after her. "Ayanami...if your interest is in the girl's
choir...then maybe conception isn't an issue. A normal pregnancy
would be out of the question anyway."

Rei's face softened a little. "I suppose that's true. OOF!"

"DAH-DAH-DAH-DAAA!" Sohryu Asuka Langley announced her
presence by throwing her arms around her fellow pilots and
singing the opening to Beethoven's Fifth. "All right, let's have it,
you two. You think you can just go sneaking off and leave me by
myself? What have you been planning?"

Shinji took the toss. "Rei says she had been thinking about joining
the girl's choir anyway, even before Misato joked about it. She was
wondering how you'd take the news."

"Really? You're thinking of trying out too?"

"Yes."

"Well, good for you." Asuka squeezed her way to the front of the
group and pontificated. "What you two haven't observed is that it's
just as much trouble, from NERV's perspective, if one pilot is in the
choir as if two are. If they have to make allowances for one person's
schedule, it doesn't matter how many other people have that same
schedule."

"Then perhaps," Rei said, "Ikari-kun should also join the girl's
choir?"

"Hey! HEY!"

Asuka laughed out loud.
--
"It's all happening too fast for me to keep up."

"Nobody expects perfection from you."

"Well, they deserve it. They deserve better than me."

"They're more thankful than their words can tell you."

"But it's not enough. I want the two of them to have it better than I
had."

"You know what?"

"...what?"

"I want exactly the same thing for them. Yes, really I do. I'm not
kidding around. I'm not just saying that. I want them to have better
lives than I had when I was their age."

"Yeah..."

"I'm jealous of you. You know that? You're around for them. Not
every hour of the day, but they know they can depend on you."

"..."

"Son of a bitch. Mi-chan, what did I say? Did I say something?
Here. Here's a tissue. Brides should cry at weddings, not guests.
There. That's better. Now, what were you going to say?"

"I DON'T feel dependable. I feel like I'm anything BUT dependable.
Shit. Look at me now. I'm getting hammered in a bar, when I
should be home helping them with their homework or making
them a nice home-cooked meal or something."

"They don't need that to know how you feel inside."

"Yes, but I NEED to show them...just like I need NERV. I need
NERV to get back at the Angels...reach out to my father. Shit, why
did I have to start talking about him now?"

"Well, then, let's don't."

"Good thinking, Kaji-kun. Good thinking. Let's talk about anything
but my father. Let's talk about how my baby boy and my baby girl
are becoming infatuated with each other and I'm too chickenshit to
do anything but tease them about it. Let's talk about how I'm falling
into the arms of a man I walked out on without a second thought
seven years ago, and he's not even trying to stop me..."

"Mi-chan?"

"Kaji-kun...I think I'm drunk...maybe you'd better help get me
home."
--
Sohryu Asuka Langley announced her presence by throwing open
the door to the apartment and giving a Katsuragi beer whoop.
Much to her surprise, she was not greeted with adoration and/or
adulation. All that happened was that a solo cello somewhere else
in the apartment kept belting out a furious version of Bach's "Jesu,
Joy of Man's Desiring" on perpetual loop.

Asuka kicked off her shoes, slipped her new DAT out of her
handbag and walked back to the living room. A very cross, very
frustrated Ikari Shinji was sitting in his chair, sawing away at his
instrument. Asuka let him continue his catharsis while she changed
into a halter top and shorts, then walked back into the living room
and threw little wadded-up pieces of paper at Shinji until he
stopped playing.

"Didn't go well?" she asked directly.

"No," he fairly snarled. "I kept trying to get conversation going, and
all he could do was act deep and profound. When I told him I was
glad we'd talked, all he said was, quote, 'Indeed'. It made me bitter,
Asuka. I tried hard, and I've got nothing to show for it."

Asuka was silent for a long moment. She took his chin in her left
hand, turned his face toward her own, and pointed to the ceiling
where the unseen microphones might have been planted. Then she
said in a loud voice, "How 'bout you play that Cello Suite you
played for me before?"

Shinji couldn't quite figure out what was happening, but he caught
on enough to reply in kind. "Sure. Give me just a minute."

Asuka nodded encouragingly, then walked across the room to
Misato's stereo. As quietly as she could, she inserted the DAT into
the deck and turned the volume up. A moment later, the First Cello
Suite was blaring out, filling the whole apartment.

She took her seat at his side again and said, just loud enough for
him to hear, "Nothing to show?"

He shook his head weakly.

She counted off on her fingers. "You helped me find music to sing.
You helped with the transcription. You gave me advice on how to
perform. You agreed to go to your mother's grave on the
anniversary of her death with your father, and then you did it. You
helped get me out of the doghouse with Misato, which I have not
forgotten one bit. You tended to me when I bit my tongue, and
didn't ask how it happened or why. And when you're not doing all
of that, you're washing dishes, cleaning floors and cooking meals.
Ikari Shinji, why do you do all of that?"

It was time for him to speak. "Asuka...to me, you are like the stars
in the night sky. You are so beautiful and magnificent. And I feel
like I'll never be where you are. I'm stuck down here on Earth
forever. Yes, I do a lot of things for myself. But the truth is...I
did hope you'd notice it."

"Oh, I did." She blushed. "I took it for granted, but I've noticed."

They had come to sit next to one another on the carpet, almost arm-
in-arm, on the edge of the bright rectangle of light cast by the
setting sun. Their conversation had been in whispers by necessity.
The cello and the unfinished composition lay off to one side, but
the two Children could only see within their half-lit world.

"Ne, Shinji-kun...do you want to kiss me?"

"What?"

"Kissing? You know. Lips? Have you done it before?"

"No...but why?"

"'Cause I deserve a kiss for making it into the choir, and you
deserve one for...everything. You're not scared, are you?"

He slipped one hand around her shoulder and the other around her
waist. She mirrored him. So close, their vision of each other
blurred. Confusion marred the moment and they bumped noses. In
spite of themselves, they laughed.

Then they pulled each other together, channeling their virgin
excitement through their hearts out to their lips.

Maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was only two teenagers, alone in an
apartment, trying to make sense of their feelings for each other and
their places in the world. But whatever it may have been, it had
brought two human souls together, and belief told them that that
was good enough.
--
Copyright 2004 Daniel Snyder. Permission granted to distribute in
any digital/binary/e-mail format; however, any physical printout
is strictly prohibited. Based on characters created by GAINAX. Shin
Seiki Evangelion/Neon Genesis Evangelion is the intellectual
property of and copyrighted by GAINAX, adapted by Sega of
America, AD Vision and Viz Comics for North America. Any
resemblance to persons living or deceased is purely coincidental.
The tongue twister given in this story is by an unknown author
from the International Collection of Tongue Twisters. The song
"Ware Wa Umi No Ko" as described in this story is an
amalgamation of several Japanese folk songs that share this title.
Special thanks to Hirose Takashi for advice on this song. There are
several other in-jokes hidden in the story, and the interested
reader is welcome to find them.

Author's notes: I look back to '99 and '00 as days when Evangelion
fanfic was fun to read and fun to write. By and large, it's not
anymore. The difference back then wasn't that the net quality of the
stories was higher, so much that writers were willing to take
chances and experiment with characters. Now, it seems like
everyone feels obligated to write Asuka as a bitch, Shinji as a
whimp and Rei as a zombie and there's no room for creativity.
_That_, more than anything, was my motivation for writing this
story the way I did. I didn't want to tie myself in knots getting the
characters and the setting perfect. I just wanted to have fun. And I
hope you have too.