dx515@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Houng Te) This contains BIG spoilers for EVA, all in one neat paragraph, as well as f/f yaoi. Nothing hard core, only a PG rating, but if the thoughts of two females in love makes uncomfortable in anyway, please don't read this. Disclamer: Ritsuko and Maya don't belong to me. I think they belong to Bandai. Feedback: YES PLEASE!!! - - - - Consolations She is having visions of hell. Of darkness and demons. Voices and shadows. The skull of a horned creature within the fire. Even with her eyes open, she sees them. She jerks upright into a sitting position. The vision is gone. The room is silent. Its so dark. Her shoulders heave and she lets out long, shuddering breaths. Despite the heat of the Tokyo night, she isnt sweating. Shes so cold. Shivers are running through her body. Her chest hurts. She cant help the tears from coming. They burn as their make their way down her cheek. A familiar sensation. She is always crying now. They wouldnt stop. She pulled up her legs and buried her face in her knees and let out all the anguish. She stayed in that position, torturing herself with self hatred and accusations and pity. Over and over again, she replayed the scene where she destroyed the Rei clones. The guilt and hatred was worst than she had thought. Their faces haunted her. The broken bodies. The sad, blank expression on their faces. Soulless, yet the knew what she was doing. She hated them. They rob her of her of sleep and peace. Or her dignity and womanhood. She hated them, and even as they laid in ruins in that cold deserted room, she hates them. Another sob chokes her and she bites her fist to keep from convulsing. The room is cold. Kaji is gone. Misato no longer trusts her. Asuka is almost an emotional invalid. Shinji probably depises her. Ikari Gendou... she hates him as much as she hated the clones but he was only one that understood her. The tears wont stop. They are no comfort to her either. They only exhaust her and she will fall asleep later than wake up and live through another day... Oh dear God, no. She doesnt want to do it anymore. Please, dont let her go through it anymore. Ritsuko. The voice is so soft that Ritsuko barely hears it. But she knows who it was. She wipes her face with her blanket and takes a deep breath to compose herself. Maya, she says without turning around - her side is to the door - what are you doing here? Maya notes with awe and pride that even in distress, Ritsuko still sounded cool and authoritative. The hall light spills through the door and cast a faint shine over Ritsuko at an unusual angle. Through the beam, Maya can see Ritsuko slim outline and part of her face. The tears and blotching detracts but do not fully take away the beauty of the visage. Akagi Ritsuko is still a stunningly beautiful woman. Maya's breath catches in her throat as she stares at the woman in front of her. "I..." she started, her voice shy and innocent, "I got your key off Misato an hour earlier. I..." she quails before the blue eyes that before her. The hall light dances in the dark pupils. "I wanted to see how you were doing." Ritsuko nodded. "I'm all right," she says softly. "Thank you for your concern Maya. That was very kind of her." "But you're crying." Maya states the obvious rather stupidly. Exhaustion overtakes Ritsuko and she falls back into the bed, too tired to even come up with a retort against Maya. She lays her head against the pillow so she is staring at the ceiling. They dont say anything. The room is filled with long, even breaths. Maya walks up to her and places a hand on Ritsukos face. The blond turns to look at her. Theres a strange shine in Mayas eyes. She sees that light before, when they were working side by side a the computers and suddenly the soft but riveted stare would penetrate through Ritsukos bones. But never has that light shone this strong, this unwavering, this... loving... before. With carress that feel like falling silk, Maya wipes the tears away. They feel like warm rain between her fingers. Still, they don't say anything. Maya runs her hand through Ritsuko's hair and gently brushes her fingers down her cheek, her neck. Dear God, Maya thinks to herself, she's so beautiful. The straight nose, those soft lips, those bright green eyes surrounded by dark silky lashes. She traces the contour of the face. In the dim light, Maya could make out the lines, the delicate curves and gentle slopes. She pulls her hand away and silently leaves the room. Something stops in Ritsukos chest as she watches Maya disappear. A strange kind of loneliness, the feeling that she lost something she never knew she had, begins to sink into her bones. Maya comes back though, with a wet face cloth and a cup of water in each hand. She tenderly runs the cloth across Ritsukos face. The cool dampness is comforting against the heated skin. Gently, Maya pulls Ritsuko into a sitting position and gives her some cold water to drink. Some of it runs downs her lips, but its clear and sweet and soothes her burning throat. After living so long in loneliness, it felt good to be babied, even if the person doing all the comforting was Maya Ibuki of all people. Maya puts the cup on the table and the face cloth beside. She sits down beside Ritsuko on the bed. The blond looks at her oddly. What made you come here? she asks. Maya smiles in spite of herself. I felt you needed me, she replied. Her voice has the same childish innocence to it, but there is an added firmness and resolution in it that Ritsuko never heard before. For the first time since they met, Maya is ahead of Ritsuko. She knows something that Ritsuko didnt. Ritsuko looks into Mayas eyes. Theyre dark and bright, filled with assurance and... love. You felt I needed you? Ritsuko whispers. I just got a feeling here-" Maya touches her heart, "and I knew I had to come." She puts so simply, but Ritsuko feels something break inside of her. But it's a wonderful breaking. She bites her lip. Slowly she lifts a pale hand and places it over the hand that's resting on Maya's chest. "I'm glad you came." Her next sentence surprises Maya. "Stay here with me tonight." "Ritsuko." It comes out in a half gasp. It is Ritsuko's turn to smile and it was a sweet, dreaming smile, one that Maya never seen before but now wants to have it grace her features more often. "I don't mean anything sexual," Ritsuko assures her. Her smile fades. Maybe a star just fell. "I'm just tired of being alone," Ritsuko whispers. Maya takes Ritsuko's hand off hers and places her lips to the slender fingers. "You won't ever be alone," she says. With Ritsuko's hand still firmly clasped in her, she leans over and buried her face in Ritsuko's neck. The restraints inside of her have broken off and she is kissing her throat. Her chin, the ear. Ritsuko wraps her arms around Maya and shudders at each touch. Her eyes are closed, and she's smiling again. "Do you know I love you?" Maya asks into Ritsuko's ear. There's no amusement or mockery in Ritsuko's voice. "I knew for a long time." Maya brushes her lips along a smooth cheekbone. Her hands are grasping at the top buttons on Ritsuko's shirt. "You don't mind, do you?" "No." Ritsuko feels the buttons coming undone and later Maya's mouth on her shoulders. Her words are separated by short gasps and long breaths. "I don't mind it at all." She's kissing her collar bones, her tongue paying particular attention to the dent between them. "I love you still." Ritsuko's puts a hand under Maya's chin and lifts her face. She had always thought of Maya as a child, an innocent lesbian with a school girl crush. But now, she's a woman. Strong, capable, full of both comfort and desire. Ritsuko touches her forehead to Maya's and covers her mouth with hers. "I love you too," she confesses, her lips still grazing over Maya's. Maya curls up against Ritsuko's body and they fall back onto the bed. Ritsuko protectedly holds her close to her chest. Maya closes her eyes, rocked to sleep by the fall and rise of Ritsukos chest. Ritsuko stays awake for a moment, content. There are no more visions of hell. No more self hatred and that aching emotion of loneliness. No more tears of pain and fear of living. All she knows of at this moment is another warm body lying in the embraces of her arms. Finally, sleep takes over her and she drifts off into the darkness, no longer a desolated woman. -- watashi wa watashi. -Rei Neon Genesis Evangelion