From: "Evafreak" <Evafreak@happyhippo.com>
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Dance of the Marionette, chapters 1-8
X-Moderation-Queue-Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2001 13:25:52 -0700 (PDT)

Evangelion I: Dance of the Marionette
By: Andrew Fong 
(Send c&c to Evafreak@happyhippo.com)

-Chapter 1- 

"Rei, you're back-up. Fall back to the rendezvous point and wait for
further orders." 

"Understood." 

I hung back as the other two units piloted by Shinji Ikari and Asuka
Langley proceeded towards the designated target. Maneuvering
cautiously around the tall buildings, taking care not to scrape any of
the structures with my giant rifle, I made my way to the specified
area at the edge of the city where I would have a clear shot at the
Angel should the need arise. 

The bright sun was gone now, barely peeking over the dark mountains on
the horizon. Rising tall above the silhouetted buildings was the
massive frame of an Angel. Two long and thick tentacles were in place
of its arms and another four tentacles, just as long but not as thick,
protruded from its back. It stood motionless, allowing the Evas to
slowly surround it. Set deep within its chest was a glowing red
crystal. The Angel's core seemed to wink in the pale light. 

Unit Two, a bright red color like a living torch, stalked closer and
closer to the Angel. The tall, slender shoulder blades that extended
up beyond the top of its head could be seen occasionally as they
slipped quietly through the evacuated city. The large external power
cable jutted out from behind its back, and trailed behind Unit Two
like some giant, mindless snake. There was the faint sound of
hydraulic legs coiling up as Unit Two slowly crouched down, holding
its incredible spear in front of it. 

"Asuka?" Ikari-kun said with a slight edge in his voice. 

"Relax, Shinji. I know what I'm doing." 

And with that Unit Two jumped high in the air, twirling its spear in a
whirlwind frenzy, and landed directly beside the Angel. I saw a thick
cloud of dust explode around the figures as the pavement broke beneath
the tremendous impact. With a quick turn of its mighty torso, Unit Two
spun around and caught the Angel full in the chest cavity, embedding
the spear deeply within the Angel's thick hide. Asuka's image soon
appeared on my control panel; she was looking in Ikari-kun's
direction. 

"How's that for piloting?" she asked, a small smile creeping out from
the corners of her mouth. She twisted the spear a little, wringing a
few desperate twitches from the Angel before continuing. "I bet even
old Wondergirl couldn't do this," she said, glancing in my direction
for emphasis. 

I looked back at her but said nothing. I disliked the name she had
given me, but was unsure how to tell her without causing a conflict.
That was Asuka. Always striving to become the best even at the expense
of others. To her, life is a battle to be fought, not a path to be
traveled. 

I was about to severe the connection between our Evas when suddenly
Ikari-kun's voice came over the audio link. It was loud and frenzied. 

"Asuka! Look out!" 

He had barely spoken these words before Unit Two suddenly turned to
witness the impaled Angel bear down upon her. It reached out one of
its tremendous tentacles, wrapping it around Unit Two's waist and,
with its great strength, lifted it up kicking and twisting into the
night sky. Unit Two reached behind its back frantically, desperately
seeking its progressive knife. The right shoulder blade slid open and
the progressive knife was quickly grasped by a panicked, giant red
hand. It had just begun to apply the knife's edge to the tentacle when
the Angel suddenly jerked its limb downward, bringing Asuka's Eva
crashing into the ground. The knife skittered out of Unit Two's hand
as the Angel once again raised it up only to slam it once more into
the pavement. Asuka's picture disappeared from my console in a quick
flash of static. 

Instinctively, I raised my rifle and sighted along the barrel, the
automatic locking mechanism created a targeting circle and crosshairs.
The sights lined up perfectly, my finger poised on the trigger. Inside
the targeting circle, Unit Two was hoisted once again, directly in the
path of the target. I didn't have a clear shot. 

"ASUKA!!" Ikari-kun screamed over the intercom. 

Unit One, all dark purple and raging fury, suddenly sprinted forward
as though it sought to impale the Angel with the single long, sharp
horn that extended from where its nose should have been. 

"Shinji! No!!" Misato's voice came through the audio link as Unit One
continued to charge the Angel, shouldering its rifle as it ran. 

Ikari-kun brought his Eva to a halt a few blocks away from the Angel
and opened fire. The bullets ricocheted off a shimmering area
surrounding the Angel. An A.T. field. One of its limbs lashed out at
Unit One like a whip, sending Ikari-kun headfirst into a cluster of
buildings in the middle of Tokyo-3. The Angel raised up its tentacle,
looked once at the limp form of Unit Two, before hurling it into a
separate section of buildings. The structures bent easily, collapsing
under the weight and force of Unit Two. Unit Two was stopped only by
the reinforced armory building, leaving it propped up against the lone
building, facing the Angel. Its four eyes had grown dim, and I knew
that inside Asuka was fighting to stay conscious. 

The Angel began to glow and pulsate, the air around it seeming to warp
and twist in response to this unearthly force. The sky seemed to
brighten as the Angel suddenly emitted a brilliant red glow. I quickly
trained my rifle in the area between Unit Two and the Angel. 

With a deafening howl, the Angel arched back and a flash of light
suddenly filled my vision. I closed my eyes tightly against this
intrusion, praying that I would not miss as I tensed my hand and
pulled the trigger. 

A series of bursts shook my Eva as my rifle fired off a volley of
bullets. It didn't take long for my vision to return, and when I
opened my eyes, I found that my bullets had hit my target and that the
spear that had violently shot out from the Angel's body had been
deflecting enough for Unit Two to avoid it by simply rolling onto its
side. The weapon sheared through a city block before coming to a rest
a short distance from me. 

Ikari-kun had managed to regain control of his Eva and brought it
standing to its feet. The Angel faced Ikari-kun, once again raising
its A.T. field. I saw Unit One raise its rifle and sight along the
barrel to the Angel's core. As Ikari-kun vainly tried to punch through
the field with his bullets, a barely calm voice reached my ears. 

"Rei. You've got to neutralize its field and engage it in hand to hand
combat. Shinji, you cover Rei's unit and Asuka's escape. Shinji?
Shinji, stop firing and listen to me." 

But Ikari-kun didn't stop until his rifle was out of rounds, and once
it did, he simply reloaded another clip and began firing wildly at the
Angel. 

"Shinji! Dammit! Asuka, get out of there now. Your Eva's too badly
damaged." 

"No." Asuka managed to say. "I'm not beaten yet.no way in Hell I'm
gonna run away with my tail between my legs." 

"That's an order, Asu-- damn," Misato said. 

I looked back at Unit Two, which had slowly begun to rise to its feet.
She must have cut the communication to headquarters. My attention was
soon drawn north as Ikari-kun was thrown against yet another building
complex. 

I have to help, I thought and prepared to lay down the rifle to rush
the Angel and hopefully neutralize its A.T. field with my own, when a
bright red blur appeared out of the corner of my eye. 

Unit Two ran towards me, snatching the rifle from my hands and roughly
pushing me aside. She turned towards the Angel and let loose a barrage
of fire. The bullets easily penetrated through the buildings that
stood around the Angel, bringing many of them crumbling to the ground.
She continued holding the trigger even after Angel had faded from
view. 

"Asuka! Asuka!!" Misato's voice was loud over the link, clearly upset
over disobedience displayed by both Asuka and Ikari-kun during this
training mission. 

The imaginary bullets coming from the practice rifle soon disappeared
into thin air, signifying that the simulation was over. Asuka finally
released the trigger and the rifle slide from her open fingers to fall
crashing down upon the virtual battlefield. 


-Chapter 2- 

"Just what the hell was that, Asuka?!" 

Around us was the soft glow of a dozen computer screens. The control
room was, at the moment, empty of NERV personnel having been dismissed
by Misato so she could debrief us. For the first time since I have met
her, Asuka seemed to have no reply but to simply lower her head and
look away, trying hard to avoid Misato piercing stare. I glanced
briefly with my eyes at Ikari-kun and found that he did the same as
Asuka with the exception of closing his eyes. Tightly. I looked
straight ahead. Misato stood over all of us, but at the moment was
only concerning herself with Asuka. 

"I am in charge of the Evas during battle," Misato said when no reply
was made. "You follow my orders. If I tell you to retreat, you
retreat. I don't ever want to see that kind of insubordination again.
We have enough problems fighting Angels. The last thing we need are
careless pilots." 

Asuka's fury flared up at that remark. 

"You want me to be like Wondergirl? Is that it?! What did she do
besides stand on the sidelines not doing squat!" 

"She was following my orders!" 

"Just like the little doll she is!!" 

"Dammit, Asuka! You are way out of order-" 

"To Hell with your order! You don't even know what it is to pilot.
What it really takes-" 

"I don't think you do either," came the reply. 

Asuka said nothing, but met Misato's stare with one as equally distant
and icy. The oppressive silence hung heavy in the air, pausing to
watch the outcome of this bizarre and uncertain contest. Misato won
when Asuka suddenly blinked her eyes and turned her head away.
Misato's voice cut through what was left of the silence that had hung
around our heads while she had stared down Asuka. Her voice was low. 

"When you step into Eva, you are doing more than strapping on a hunk
of metal and electrical circuits onto your back. You are shouldering
the burden of humanity; the weight of the world rests upon you. It is
my duty to ensure that you succeed in destroying Angels and come back
safely. Your duty is to follow my orders and get the job done. If you
can't handle that responsibility then you have no right to be in Eva.
I don't want to see any more reckless behavior in the field. Is that
clear?" 

Asuka said nothing, but lowered her head. 

"Is that clear? Look at me when I'm talking to you." 

Misato reached out her hand and lifted up Asuka's chin so that they
were face to face. Asuka almost immediately swatted away Misato's
hand. The Major let out a sound of surprise. 

"I will do what needs to be done," Asuka said furiously. "I am a
pilot, and neither you nor anybody else will ever take that away from
me." 

"We'll see about that," Misato growled, recovered from the initial
shock of Asuka batting her hand. "If I ever see anything like what
happened in simulation again, there will be nothing to stop me from
personally suspending you from all NERV activity and relieving you of
your piloting duties until further notice. You think about that the
next time you step into Eva. You think about it." 

I saw Asuka's jaw tense up, tightening her full lips firmly against
her teeth. The knuckles of her fists turned white as she clenched
them. I saw dark clouds pass on the surface of her eyes. She blinked
her eyes and lightning raged deep within the crystal blue orbs. She
spoke no words, simply turned quickly on her heels and swept past
Misato, carefully hitting the side of my arm hard with her shoulder as
she pushed past me. 

"Asuka!" Misato snapped. "Asuka!" 

But she was gone now, storming from the room to the lockers where a
series of loud metallic bangs were heard. I saw Misato slowly close
her eyes as she lowered her head. She shook it absently for a few
moments before falling back into a cushioned seat, rubbing the bridge
of her nose wearily, seemingly totally unaware of our presence.
Ikari-kun stepped forward. 

"Mi-Misato?" he asked quietly. 

"Don't," she said. "Just don't. I need to think. I have a lot of work
to do. Probably won't be back home until late so just order something
for dinner, all right? Don't wait up." 

"Sure," he whispered. 

"You are dismissed." 

Ikari-kun silently turned around and began to slowly shuffle towards
the door. I was about to follow him when Misato's voice called out to
me. 

"Rei?" 

"Yes, ma'am?" 

"Come here, please." 

I quietly approached her, standing very still as she began to speak. 

"My orders," she started. "The ones I gave you.do you.did." she
stopped abruptly as though she couldn't find a satisfactory method of
posing the question. I knew what she wanted to know and I sought a way
to tell her that I trusted her judgement and was willing to face any
consequence that arose from that decision. 

"I followed them," was all I could think to say. 

She nodded then, straightened up in her chair as though some weight
was lifted from her shoulders, but said nothing more. 

I did not look at Misato again as I turned to leave the room, leaving
her to sit alone in a dark room, lit only by the lights of indifferent
computers. 



Asuka was waiting for me back at the locker room, her schoolbag
hanging loosely from one hand. 

"So," she said. "Did you get a cookie for being such a good girl? Oh
wait, I remember, you 'dislike' those too, huh?" 

I made no reply as I stepped over to my locker and began to enter my
combination. I had just opened it when Asuka uncrossed her arms,
strolled angrily over to me, and slammed the locker shut again. She
placed her hand on its door and leaned strongly against it with her
weight. 

"What is up with you and your superior attitude, huh?! Well!! Answer
me! You think you're better than us because you're Misato and
Commander's favorite?" 

I turned to her. 

"I am no one's favorite. I know that well." 

Asuka glared at me fiercely but said nothing more. We stared at each
other as an awkward silence filled the room. Asuka's hand slid away
from my locker and she walked away, angrily punching the button to
open the door to leave. When the door had closed behind her, I
released the pressure from my plug suit and sank down to the cold
bench next to my locker, letting out a breath of relief. I did not
move for a long while. 


-Chapter 3- 

The air was cool and crisp when I stepped out of the NERV complex. The
wind played lightly with my blue hair and rustled the edges of my gray
school uniform skirt. It was night. Cold, dark, and windy. I placed my
schoolbag onto the ground and slipped on my white, down jacket,
pulling its collar close around my neck. Without a second look at the
buildings behind me, I stepped out onto the dark street, slowly making
my way back to my apartment. 

All around me, stores closed up, hanging up their signs and turning
out the lights. Rooms emptied quickly. Mankind fears darkness. It
always has. Mankind creates its world from light, for life is not
measured in time but in the brilliance of our actions. I cannot help
but notice that few lives produce so much as a spark. Not so much as
an dying ember before it is gone. 

I continued walking down the deserted street, occasionally looking up
at the vast and starless sky. Loneliness is the only life I have
known. 



The door closed behind me with the sound of wind. I stood in the
darkness of my quiet apartment room. Nearby, a flowing curtain danced
and twirled to the music of the night. It waved to me, calling me come
and see the wonders of the world. 

I casually walked to the window and threw open the curtains, allowing
the light from the distant buildings to flood my eyes. I looked at my
reflection, superimposed upon the dusky city, and saw myself as others
saw me. My blue hair became paler in the makeshift mirror, hazy and
faded. It was cut short, framing my face. Perhaps it was a trick of
the lights or a flaw in the glass but as I looked into the mirror, a
young girl peered back and at the same time a older woman with brown
hair looked out at me as well. 

As I looked at my wan image, I thought of an old philosopher's words:
the eyes are the windows to the soul. I looked intently at my eyes and
saw two Angel cores staring back. They were red. I detest red. I
reached out my hand to touch the glass and my counterpart did the
same. With a gentle finger I slowly traced the smooth curve of the
girl's jaw line. I let my hand drop, before turning away, closing the
curtain as I left. 

I made my way to the kitchen without the use of lights and filled a
small glass with water. I drank deeply from the cup before placing it
in the sink where another half a dozen dirty cups laid in a pile. My
bed was soft and unmade. The covers hung over the side and partly
covered the floor. I sat down on the bed, and the springs bounced up
and down for a few seconds as if weighing me. I silently pulled off my
starched school uniform and placed it on the back of a nearby chair.
After shaking the sheets a couple of times, I withdrew a single blue
collared shirt and wrapped it around my slim body. I left it
unbuttoned as I slipped underneath the covers and laid my head on my
pillow. 

Across the room, standing still on the table, was a small flask of
water. It was lit by the moon. It was full. I fell asleep.


-Chapter 4- 

Asuka refused to say anything at all to me at school, although she did
throw a few more angry glares than usual. Usually she only concerns
herself with looking pretty, being the center of attention, and
tormenting Ikari-kun. I have often wished to end her teasing and
ridicule. I haven't because to confront Asuka would only fuel her
hatred and anger. More than that, it is not my fight and I am even
unsure if Ikari-kun really wants her to stop. Some believe that
Ikari-kun is weak and a coward for not standing up to Asuka. I think
he is brave and strong for enduring. 

I remember when he first had set foot in the classroom. It was only a
few days after he had risked his life for me, volunteering to pilot in
my place with no training. I was intrigued by this young man. What was
I to him that he would gamble with his very existence so that I may
live? Only one other person had done that. Commander. Why did these
two men care so much for me? It was as if they were...my family? 

But I don't have a family, I told myself. Yet there was something
familiar about them both. When I look at Commander's eyes, I see them
soften as though he sees someone else when he looks at me. And there
is a feeling that this is his true self, the side he hides from the
world and from himself because it hurts too much to remember. It is
then that I feel I have seen this side of him in some other time, not
as myself but as someone beyond myself. 

And Ikari-kun. Around him there is an oddly stirring thought that
wells up deep within me. When I look at him it is as though I am
seeing a long lost boy who had grown up in my absence. It is a strange
feeling of both pride and sorrow. I must remind myself that I was
never a mother. But still...the feeling is there. 

Ikari-kun sat hunched over in his desk, his dark brown hair shaded his
eyes. Past him, I saw Asuka talking to her school friends. She was
sitting on top of her desk with the Class Representative standing to
her right. They were gossiping, giggling, and ignoring the stares of
the boys. The Class Representative's pigtails swayed side to side as
she laughed; Toji's eyes moved to watch them, growing wide. I saw the
Class Representative peek out of the corner of her eye and found Toji
watching her. She quickly turned away, blushing coyly. 

Asuka seemed to notice the Class Representative's action and gave Toji
a look of disdain, which Toji didn't seem to notice. Before she turned
back to her school friends, Asuka saw me silently observing them. She
quickly shot another spiteful glare in my direction, stuck out her
tongue, and turned back to the Class Representative, flipping her
long, auburn hair with a flick of the back of her hand. Shinji-kun
seemed enraptured. His eyes went wide as though he planned to soak up
that moment and store it upon a shelf within his mind. His mouth
slacked open slightly as though he could breathe in her presence. 

Asuka didn't seem to notice, but I saw. Shinji-kun continued to gaze
at her, perhaps hoping that he might capture another memory in case
his first glimpse faded away before he could bottle it up. 

I turned away, facing the other direction, staring out the window. It
was the closest distraction. I needed to think of these recent events.
I stared out the window as I have done ever since I had met Ikari-kun,
but this time, no thoughts came. The only thing I could see was
Shinji-kun's reflection hovering above the city, and two red orbs that
were like Angel cores staring back at me. 



The water was cool and refreshing. It was good to be out of my plug
suit and to be able to wash away the smell and feel of the LCL. LCL
was necessary to oxygenate our blood while in the closed, cramped
confines of the entry plug, but was not the most pleasing of liquids.
It was somewhat sticky, almost slimy to the touch. It was bitter and
sour. It smelt of blood. Even after a shower, I could still feel it. 

I did gentle laps in the pool, letting the soft water caress my skin
and felt its loose fingers snake through my hair. It was a Tuesday
evening at nine-thirty and the swimming center was completely
deserted. The high dome ceiling, the heavy silence that echoed off the
light blue tiled walls, and the towering ivory colored columns gave
the swimming center the feeling of a cathedral. Air bubbles escaped
from my mouth and tickled my nose. I nearly laughed at the foreign
feeling. As I reached the deep end of the pool I suddenly felt a
strange tingling at the base of my neck. Someone was watching me. 

I swam over to the shallow end and stood up in the water. Goosebumps
accompanied by a cold prickling feeling replaced the water droplets on
my exposed shoulders. I quietly blew out the stale air and glanced
over towards the side of the pool where a lone figure stood. 

Ikari-kun noticed that I caught him staring at me and tried to recover
from his embarrassment. 

"Uh...Ay-Ayanami," he stammered, his head down. "Pardon the intrusion.
I didn't expect you to be here." 

As I examined his clothing, I realized that this was the first time I
have ever seen him in something other than his school clothes or plug
suit. He was dressed in dark blue and black swimming trunks that
reached a little above his knees. A long towel was draped across his
left shoulder but other than that his chest was bare. 

The nervousness in his voice and the trembling of his stance convinced
me to speak. 

"You needn't apologize, Ikari-kun. The pool is open to anyone who
wishes to swim." 

He nodded stiffly to this remark and then peeked his eyes up to look
at me. 

"D-do you mind if I come in?" 

"Do as you will." 

I waited for him as he placed his towel down on a nearby chair and
nervously slipped into the water. He walked in two feet and then
crouched down in the shallow end, clasping his arms around the front
of his legs. 

I stared curiously at him. 

"Do you not wish to swim?" I asked. 

He looked away for a moment, seemingly shrinking into himself. 

"Ikari-kun?" 

"I...don't know how..." was all he could say. 

"I can teach you if you want." 

"Humans aren't meant to float," he said as if by instinct. 

"And they are meant to sink instead?" I countered. 

He said nothing. He avoided my gaze as though he were ashamed of
himself. I watched him as he suddenly stood in the shallow water that
came up to his waist. He stepped forward until the dip in the pool
caused the water level to go up past his chest, and then he fled back
to the safety of the shallow end. 

"I-I can't do it, Ayanami," he called from the other side of the pool.


"Then why did you come here?" 

He said nothing. 

"Do you fear living?" I asked. 

"What?" 

"Do you fear living?" 

"I don't know what you mean." 

"Water is life, Ikari-kun. You need it. To fear water is to fear
living. Don't be content to stand in the shallow end and watch the
water slip past, Ikari-kun. The water is just as cold and salty at the
shore as at the horizon, but the horizon has a much better view. There
is always a chance of drowning, of being pulled under, but don't drown
in the shallows where other may stand above you and laugh. Drown where
no one can come close, where your memory can not be touched and
defiled. Drown in a place far away from their prying eyes, where the
water is so large and so deep and so vast that they cannot point to
the area you died in with a finger. Let them sweep their hands against
the horizon and say, 'This is where he died,' so that your presence
will be felt everywhere, an all-encompassing force. Do this or don't
step into the water." 

He looked away from me, but didn't move besides that. I saw him close
his eyes tightly as he began to slowly clench and unclench his right
hand. He suddenly stood up and I thought that perhaps he would leave.
Instead he took a wavering step towards me, and then another. The
water came to the middle of his chest and he stopped. He looked at me
with those deep blue sapphire eyes and slowly nodded his head. 

"We will start slowly," I told him. "Learn first how to breathe. Take
a deep breath. Place your face in the water and blow softly. When you
feel your lungs are almost empty, turn your head to the side and
breathe. Then start over." 

I demonstrated this for him once and then watched as he imitated the
movement. He did fine. 

"Next, learn to use your arms." 

I raised my hand and with the fingers spread. 

"Close the fingers together, no gaps," I said as I brought my fingers
together. "Slightly cupped." 

I bent my fingers forward and he did likewise. 

"Follow my example." 

I placed my face into the water and began to show the proper movement
of the arms. I stopped after a few demonstrations so that I could
observe his form. He did fine. 

"Now," I said, pushing myself off the side of the pool and swam into
the deep water. "Come to me." 

"Just to you, right?" 

"Just to me," I assured him. 

I saw a shiver of fear course through his body, but he took a deep
breath and dove deep into the water. I backed up in the water leading
him onward hoping that when he emerged from beneath the surface and
found himself far from the shallow end that he would hopefully find in
himself the confidence I knew he has. 

He was halfway across the pool when he suddenly lifted up his head and
stopped swimming. I suppose he had realized that something was wrong
and that he should have reached the spot he had last seen me by now.
As soon as he stopped swimming, he had a moment to look around,
bewildered, before sinking downward. He flailed his arms wildly,
sending up geysers of frothy water. His mouth slipped below the waves
and shot back up again. A faint gurgling could be heard coming from
the back of his throat. 

"Ayanami, help me! Ayanami!!" 

"Swim, Ikari-kun. You have to swim." 

I watched as he struggled fiercely against the dark and swirling water
that tugged at his body. His body slowly angled and fell horizontal to
the water, and he whipped his arms and legs recklessly, pushing
himself closer to the edge of the pool. Yet I could see that he was
too exhausted, used up too much precious energy in the attempt to
right himself in the water that he wouldn't make it. His breath came
in gasps and one of those gasps was not synchronized to his head
movement. It came as he plunged his face back into the water. 

Horrified, I saw his body tense up as the shock of water flooding into
his lungs must have registered in his brain. His swinging arms whipped
once more at the heavy air and then slid below the waves. 

"Shinji! No!!" 

I plunged myself into the unforgiving water and chased after him into
a place where the world becomes warped and distorted, wraps itself
around you and beckons you to learn its secrets for a price. A price I
was not willing to let Shinji pay if he wanted to. 

A cold and almost clammy object brushed my hand. It was Shinji's right
arm. I quickly followed the path of his arm to the shoulder joint and
wrapped my right arm over his shoulder and under the armpit of his
left arm. With my free hand I pulled us closer to the light that shone
above us somewhere. We broke through the surface of the water as
though we were tearing through a portal, escaping from some dark and
forsaken dimension. I pulled him to the edge of the pool and gripped
it tightly. I was breathing just as hard as he, not out of exertion,
but out of terror. I could have lost him. I could have... 

"Perhaps that's enough practice for one day," I managed to say. 

I felt the faint motion of Shinji wearily nodding his head. 


-Chapter 5- 

It was near ten o'clock when I stepped out of the women's locker room
with my black leather schoolbag in hand. My pale navy blue towel was
tucked beneath my arm, and my hair hung down my eyes in wet curls like
a shredded curtain. I had expected Ikari-kun to be gone by the time I
was ready to leave. So it was quite a surprise to emerge from the
locker rooms to find Ikari-kun sitting on a dark-stained wooden bench.
He had his head bent down, reading a magazine. His head jerked up at
the sound of the door closing. He stared at me for a moment before
glancing away sheepishly. 

I regarded him in silence. I saw him a man, a rock weathered by the
elements, sculpted by fate, shaped by pain. I saw him a beserker,
free, untamed, consumed by a quest not yet defined. I saw him a lost
little boy, obedient, timid, forgotten in darkness. I saw this in him,
in the way he looked away and the way he impulsively tensed his hands,
in his piloting. I saw all of this and more, and I wondered what he
saw when he looked at me. 

Did he see a girl? A woman? Did he see a philosopher? Did he see
loneliness? Despair? Sadness? Death? Did he see any of this when he
looked at me? Or did he merely see a blue-haired doll, a shadow puppet
dancing upon a lone wall, lit by the light reflected by yellow-tinted
glasses? Empty and hollow inside. Did he see strings attached to my
arms and legs leading up to a white gloved hand? I didn't want him to.


Fingers twitched, strings moved, my foot lifted up and I began to
walk. When I was near Ikari-kun, the fingers continued to pull and tug
at my feet, but I resisted them. I stood still before Ikari-kun, as
the strings attempted to urge me forward and past the young boy that
sat in front of me. I stood still; I defied the dark and thin strings
that bound my arms and legs but I didn't know what to do next. I don't
know what to think or feel at such times. So we sat in a unnerving
silence for a few minutes until suddenly a voice spoke. 

"Why are you here?" 

Shinji was taken back by this question, and it took a moment for me to
realize that the voice came from my throat. 

"I-I just wanted to know if I could walk you home, Ayanami..." 

Walk? With me? Home? I would like that. I would like that a lot. I
never thought about something like this before, but suddenly it was
all I had ever wanted. The strings tugged violently. The voice spoke
again. 

"Very well." 

It was so cold, that voice. So soft, cold, and distant. Very well? Is
that all I could say? All I could think to say at a time like this? I
silently gave in to the invisible twine and began to trudge off
towards the doors. 

Somewhere behind me, I heard Ikari-kun gather his belongings in haste.
He rushed after me with papers rustling and half sticking out of his
small school bag. 

"Wait up..." he called out. 

I slowed down but did not stop. He caught up soon, but was still
occupied by the many papers that refused to be locked away in his bag.
The door closed behind us. A pale moon crept softly between the
buildings that towered over the swim center, lighting his face is a
hazy, glowing aura of beauty. I started walking to get ahead of him
for I didn't want him to catch me staring. I don't know how to act or
say at times like this. I didn't know how to face Ikari-kun. We were
so similar and yet so different. I sensed in him a tiredness, tired of
living, a longing to sleep the dark, deep, and fitful sleep of death.
And yet there was also the smallest of sparks that burned within that
prevented death, the smallest hint of purpose: Eva. Eva gave him a
purpose as it did to me. I was created to serve this towering human
creation, and I realized that he was too. 

So we walked along, me with my arms dangling loosely at my side, and
Shinji-kun still attempting to cram his various papers into his school
bag. I heard a small gasp escape on a whisper of breath and turned to
see a small rectangular box tumble free from behind the wrinkling
papers. The moonlight flashed over its reflective surface, as a tangle
of wires began to snake about in the air. My hand moved instinctively
to intercept this foreign object before it smashed against the
pavement and it fell heavily into my hand. 

I turned the device slowly in my hand, running my fingers delicately
over the embossed letters. SDAT my fingers spoke. Beneath my fingers,
four buttons protruded from the side of Shinji-kun's walkman. My thumb
lingered over the "play" button. 

"Would you like to listen?" 

I paused in my thoughts to glance at Shinji-kun. He was smiling, a
secret smile almost as though he was anticipating something. I nodded
once, numbly. I stood silently as Shinji-kun nervously slipped the ear
piece around the top of my head. From somewhere deep in those black,
plastic headphones a soft steady wind instrument could be heard. It
was soon accompanied by a drum beat and finally a woman's voice. 

Her voice was soft and gentle, a breath upon the wind. It lifted me
up, carried me into the night. Nothing existed in the world except the
voice, myself, and Shinji-kun. My mouth moved on its own. 

"Who is she?" 

"Let me hear what song it is." 

He leaned close to the headphones, trying to not touch my face with
his. As hard as he tried, our cheeks brushed and I could smell his
sweet breath. He almost shrank back at the contact but I leaned
closer, eyes closed, and he came back. We stayed that way for a moment
until Shinji-kun broke away. 

"That's Megumi Hayabarashi. The Alchemy of Love." 

"She has a beautiful voice." 

"It reminds me of yours." 

My voice? Has he memorized my voice? How could he? Why would he? Once
again I found no words. Many times before have I had words but no will
to speak them. Now was different. I had the will, but the words
vanished before I could even perceive their presence. 

All I managed to do was look searchingly into his face. The bright
moonlight reflecting luminously off the polished cobalt in his eyes
held an enchantment. He looked back at me as though he looked through
a dream. Together we made our way across town. Our path lit by an
amorous moon set deeply in a melancholy sky. 



It was late when we arrived at my battered and broken down apartment
complex. Despite the late hour, the heavy sound of construction droned
on in the background. The steady "clanking" sound served as a constant
reminder of my duty to stop the Angels, my service to all of humanity.
What the Angels destroy, we shall build anew. It was my calling, my
destiny, my purpose. It was my death sentence. 

Shinji-kun stood beside me and gazed up at the vertical rise of the
building. Four flights of stairs separated us from my home. 

I looked at Shinji-kun. 

"Are you leaving now?" 

"Well, no. I can walk you to your room. I mean...unless you don't want
me to." 

"The elevator is broken," I lied. "We must use the stairs." 

And so we walked up four dark and narrow flights of stairs high up in
a jeweled night sky. 



We slipped off our shoes in the small area near the front door where
the carpet didn't extend. Shinji-kun tip-toed through the hallway as
though he sensed a presence in the room, of trapped memories and
undreamt futures, that he did not wish to disturb. 

"Would you like anything to drink?" 

"I guess a glass of water...if it's not too much trouble. 

Trouble, I thought to myself. Nothing for you would ever be trouble,
Shinji-kun. Nothing...nothing would ever be... 

"No trouble," my mouth whispered, too soft to be heard by human ears. 

I made my way to the kitchen area and searched the largely unused
cabinets. My hand swept over the empty shelves, stirring up clouds of
shame. Oh please let there be a clean cup that Shinji-kun can drink
from. My hand swept the empty shelves. 

looked at the stack of unclean cups and dishes that laid piled up from
the scummy sink. I took one from the top and held it by the lip
between my thumb and index finger. It was made of bluish green glass.
Dark stains blocked the light from coming through. I took the glass
and filled it with water. I looked at the dark particles that floated
lazily through the murky water. 

"No trouble," I whispered and quietly grabbed a nearby sponge and
began to scrub vigorously at the inside of the cup. The dirt loosened
and fell from the sides. Soon the glass sparkled. 

I took the clean glass filled with water into the living room which
doubled as my bedroom and study. As I stepped in the room, I noticed
that much of the crumpled paper that had littered the floor was gone.
Shinji-kun stood hunched over with a clear plastic bag half-full of
paper, bits of plastic, and crumbs. 

"Oh...um...sorry, Ayanami," he said bashfully, setting the bag on the
floor. "I've gotten used to doing chores. It was just garbage, right?"


I nodded stiffly. 

"You don't mind, do you?" 

Somewhere in the minutes that followed that question, I found my voice
back. 

"No. Not at all...thank you..." 

He smiled that secret smile and I nearly forgot all about the glass of
water that my hand still grasped. I extended it out to him. He took it
shyly from my hand. My skin prickled at the feel of his warm peach
colored hands on my own. 

With large gulps, he finished the glass. I took it from him and placed
it on the dresser, beside a leather glass case. Shinji-kun looked at
his watch. I looked at a small clock in the kitchen as though my stare
alone might move the hands backward. We stood in my bedroom touching
and yet not touching. We drank up all the possibilities: the sweet,
the sour, and the bitter, to be digested later. 

"I'd better get back. It's getting late," he said at last and
collected his bag. "See ya later, Ayanami." 

My mouth moved, but strings tightened around my neck and strangled the
voice in my throat. My mouth moved mechanically, not unlike a fish
breathing. I fought against the strings. 

"Shinji-kun." 

He turned around. 

"I enjoyed our walk." 

He stood with a shocked look upon his face before nodding. 

"So did I." 

And with that said, he turned and swung the heavy metal door open. It
closed and with the soft gush of air came a realization. Perhaps
Shinji-kun noticed it as well. It was the first time I had ever called
him "Shinji."


-Chapter 6- 

It was ten minutes later and still the strings would not release me.
They gripped me tightly, bound me to sit on the edge of my bed and
face myself in the illusion of a mirror. They made my fingers twitch.
I closed my eyes, so that I might not see myself in the mirror and
hopefully not be forced to find an answer. 

What difference does it make why I called him Shinji-kun? I asked the
puppet master. Does it really matter? Does it change something for
you? Do you need to rewrite the script? 

I stood up against the will of the strings. I searched for something
to do. The clear plastic bag laid slumped against the wall. I gently
picked it up and gingerly peered inside at all the garbage of my life,
remnants of forgotten life. I took the bag and began to fill it with
my past. 

As I picked through my history, I found a foreign box lying in
shadows. It laid quietly in the dark corner, covered by a thick layer
of dust and cowering behind cloudy spider webs. I bent down and
stretched out my pale fingers and gently picked up the fragile box as
though it were some beautifully sculpted insect of ice that might melt
at my touch and warm breath. I rotated it slowly in my hands and my
fingers nudged a small "z" shaped handle. 

As I carefully wound the handle around, a tinny music escaped from the
box. Suddenly the top lid flapped open and a dark figure arose from
the twilight filled box, bursting forth and stretching its floppy
hands towards the light. 

I was startled by this sudden intrusion that I nearly dropped the
strange figurine as I leapt back. I regained my composure quickly and
stared inquisitively at the odd form that laid folded over the edge of
the box. 

It was like a human, but distorted, almost grotesque. Its painted face
was a comic mask of terror. Blue eyes, limp cone hat, bright red lips,
and a matching button nose. The figure swayed with every movement of
my hand. 

"And how long have you waited, alone in darkness, to be free?" I asked
it. The gritty dust coated my hand. "Much too long, I see." 

I set the figure on the dresser, between a pair of cracked glasses and
an empty drinking glass. I didn't push the figure back into the box,
but let it dance in the moonlight. It watched me, still smiling, as I
crawled beneath the rumpled covers of my bed and laid my head upon the
pillow. It watched me as I slept. 



I stood amid a field of flowers. A lone tree guarded a small hill. It
had the shape of a young boy, and the wind whispered through its dark
green leaves, beckoning me. As I approached, it held out its branches
as if to hold me. I reached out to touch one of its branches, but it
shrunk back. The wind began to scream, tearing leaves and bark from
the tree. I heard the tree howl in pain and its limbs became dark,
gnarled, and twisted. The trunk began to warp and stretch. In the
contours of the trunk, I saw a face a moment before another blast of
wind shot through the tree, causing it to explode in a shower of
ashes. 

Around me a long mournful cry filled my ears. I saw the flowers raise
up their leaves as if in prayer. Their petals were blue and they
framed the pistils like shortly cut hair. In the center of each plant
were two red stamens. They were like Angel cores, like eyes. They
shook and swayed uncontrollably in the wind and then ignited into
flames. I felt their tortured cries lash against my soul as they
melted into the earth. 

The ground beneath me quivered and I saw two great mountains erupt
from the earth. They were red and shaped like interface modules. From
somewhere within their confines, a bright red liquid spewed out. The
magma spread over the land like a shock of red hair. Suddenly the
ground I stood on opened as the earth laughed. 

As I slipped away into the darkness, I looked up at the sky and saw
twin suns. They were yellow and shone like the surface of glasses,
hiding behind them the eyes of a dark, vengeful, and calculating god. 



Commander. 

I opened my eyes and felt them tear up as the murky, yellow liquid
that surrounded me invaded them. No light from the outside could be
seen. It was four thirty in the morning and a terror hung above my
head. I was in the cold, underground vault of Central Dogma, locked
within a sealed glass tomb. Through my blurred vision, I could make
out the shape of Doctor Ritsuko and Commander. A heard the humming of
computers connected to the testing chamber through the glass, making
my very bones vibrate. I blinked my eyes fiercely and my vision began
to clear. 

Commander stood with a prideful stance, legs apart, hands clasped
behind his back. The smallest hint of a smile could be detected at the
corners of his mouth. He had a smug look upon his face as though at
any moment he might stroke his scratchy looking beard in mock
intellectualism. Commander didn't sport a mustache, but dark colored
hair framed his face. 

I did not like the look Commander wore upon his face. It was as though
he was not looking at me but at some distant future that was almost
upon us. He looked at me as though he was plotting something.
Something that perhaps didn't directly involved me, but maybe a future
product of myself. 

Behind him stood the Doctor. Beneath the light curls of her blond hair
were darkened spheres that held within them the icy glazed surface of
a tundra and the harsh look of an arid desert sun. She blinked her
eyes and a dry wind swept across the barren world of her face. 

A thin sheet of glass was all that separated me from their dark world.
Within the glass tube I was imprisoned in were six lights that were
set beneath the foggy liquid in a circle. They were all focused on me.
On the other side, Commander and Doctor Ritsuko stared intently at me
as though they were reassuring themselves that the strings they had
fastened to me were still strong and in place. 

Commander glanced at the small monitor with wires and plugs attached
to my prison and smiled. With a satisfied nod of his head, Commander
turned his attention back to me. 

"How are you feeling, Rei?" 

"Fine, Sir." 

"Good. We are finished here. Wash up and return to school." 

"Yes, Sir." 

Commander turned and strolled out of the room, hands in his pocket. He
was whistling something, a tune I had heard no more than two days ago.
I didn't hear him whistle the whole song for the automated doors
closed behind him and locked out his voice, but I knew what song it
was and why he whistled it. He meant it as a warning. He wanted me to
know that he knew, and to not go any further for it will jeopardize
his plans and the consequences will be dire. 


-Chapter 7- 

"Ow." 

"Get back to work." 

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Toji Suzahara give Shinji-kun
another quick rap on the head with the straw end of a long handled
broom. Shinji-kun absently rubbed the top of his head, shaking loose a
few strands of straw from his hair. 

"Hurry up. If we don't get this place cleaned soon, the Class Rep's
gonna be jumpin' all over us." 

"And there goes your plans for the evenings, huh Toji?" 

"Shuddap, Kensuke!" 

"Hey, you guys!" said a commanding voice. I saw the Class
Representative lean her head through the doorway. "Get your lazy butts
to work. This place has to be spotless in ten minutes!" 

Her head disappeared around the corner. 

"Hey, um, I'm cleanin'," Suzahara called after her. He suddenly
slapped his forehead and began mumbling, "Stupid, stupid." 

Shinji-kun and Aida seemed to eye him suspiciously. Suzahara turned on
them quickly, slapping their arms hard. 

"What are you guys doin' to me?! C'mon. Get cleanin'." 

With that, Suzahara began a crazed frenzy of sweeping, twisting and
turning about the classroom, sweeping as though a man possessed. 

Shinji-kun let out a deep breath and gazed at the floor for a moment
and then at me. I felt the weight of his stare as I plunged the dirty
wash cloth into the waiting bucket of water. I let my hands soak in
the icy water as the strings dictated to me, thinking that perhaps the
coldness might find its way up to my chest and numb my heart. I felt
my heart beat heavily but it didn't stop. I pulled the wash cloth out
of the water and felt the ice run down my arms and drip back down to
the bucket. With a deliberate movement of my hands I wrung out the
coldness and feeling returned to my senses. 

In front of me was a small, bright red stain. It streaked across the
tiled floor, arching towards Shinji-kun. I took the damp wash cloth
and began to scrub earnestly at the stain. The stain lifted onto the
cloth and when I wrung the cloth tightly, the red coloring was
released and the true color of the towel could be seen again: a pale
blue. 

Meanwhile, Suzahara had stopped sweeping and leaned heavily on the
broom. 

"How come Asuka never has to clean?" he asked. 

"Probably one of the perks of being the Class Rep's best friend. Say,
is that why you're.you know." 

"Do you ever shut up, Kensuke?" Suzahara yelled, apparently all too
aware of all the eyes focusing on him. "It's not like that.
It's.well.ah what business is it of yours?! Don't make me smack you!" 

Toji spun around fiercely and began sweeping the classroom for the
third time in a row. 



"Can you guys hear me?" 

"Hai." 

"All right," continued the Major. "We're going to start the test now.
Good luck." 

I closed my eyes, my body suspended in the warm LCL. I focused my
thoughts. Rock, mountain, strength. Liquid, water, adaptable. Burning,
fire, destruction. Air, wind, swift. My thoughts swirled about in the
darkness. When they formed together a face was created. His eyes were
dark blue watery ponds. Behind his eyes was a terrible burning pyre.
His bones were made of air and his heart was made of a living stone.
Ikari-kun?" 

"All right," a voice said in the darkness. "We're done." 

The face vanished, falling away as the LCL was pumped out of my entry
plug, leaving me alone with my thoughts. With a great mechanical hiss,
my entry plug was disengaged and I climbed out. Shinji-kun and Asuka
crawled free of their entry plugs and together we made our way into
the room where the Major and the Doctor waited. 

The doors opened swiftly and we entered. Asuka led, followed by
Shinji-kun, and finally myself. The Doctor was busy with one of the
computers, probably ensuring that the data was collected properly. 

"Way to go, Shinji!" the Major said almost the moment we came in.
"You're up another six points. At this rate you'll be the best pilot
on record." 

"Oh, puh-leeze!" Asuka broke in. "This dumkopf still has a long way to
go before he could even be considered competition." 

"You never know, Asuka. Someday Shinji might be giving you a run for
your money." 

"Yeah, right. Here. Let me see those scores. Ha, see! Still fifty
points behind me. And look. Wondergirl is even lower than Baka-Shinji.
Besides, Unit Two is still the only Eva unit designed for battle and I
am its only pilot." 

She handed the print out back to the Major. The Major accepted the
paper with a look of amusement upon her face. 

"What you've said is true, Asuka. However, don't forget that Shinji
and Rei here have been in some pretty hairy situations themselves and
came out all right. Don't be so eager to write them off." 

Asuka's body tightened at that remark as though the Major's comment
had touched a delicate nerve deep within the core of her being that
threatened to cause an explosion. Asuka seemed to be fighting hard to
contain herself. If she was, it appeared that the Major didn't notice
as she casually turned away, handing the paper to one of her
subordinates to be filed away. 

"Oh, Shinji," the Major said, still with her back to us. 

"Hai." 

"I've got to meet somebody after work to discuss some business, so you
and Asuka will be on your own for dinner." 

"Oh great," Asuka said. "I've got to put up with this baka another
night alone." 

"Hey," Shinji-kun said suddenly. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

Asuka didn't answer. She merely crossed her arms under her breasts,
stuck out her tongue, and turned away. It appeared the Major was
ignoring them. And I was forgotten as always. 


-Chapter 8- 

The sun was warm on our faces. It was late afternoon and the sun had
begun its slow trek towards oblivion. The street we walked upon was
filled with bright orange construction cones that surrounded manholes
and severely damaged sections of pavement. A swift moving van skidded
around an opened manhole and continued on, driving past us fast enough
to whip my hair around my face. 

"Hey! Watch where you're driving, you jerk!" Asuka yelled at the
vanishing van. The sunlight bounced off its gleaming white exterior to
blind us. 

Asuka quickly raised her hand to shade her eyes. 

"This sucks," she declared. "We pilot the Evas practically every week,
protect Tokyo-Three, and we are still forced to walk home just like
all the other nobodies in our class." 

Shinji-kun shrugged. 

"I don't know. I kind of like walking like this. It's nice." 

"You just want to strut because you got six points higher, huh? Well
don't get too cocky or I'll really have to knock you down to your
place. Besides getting higher than Wondergirl isn't that much of an
accomplishment anyway." 

I felt something deep inside hit me. Something that shook my body
somewhere within my chest. It rattled my bones and started what felt
like a fire deep within the pit of my stomach. The heat drifted to the
surface of my cheeks. I continued walking, my face in the same
expressions as before, but only through great exercise of will. 

Asuka turned to look over her shoulder at me. A look of disappointment
seemed to flash across her visage as she met my usual expression. It
lasted only a moment before she began smiling. 

"Not gonna say anything, huh? You know it's true." 

Walk. Walk. Don't feel. Walk. Commander has always said emotions
weaken humanity. Thought is mankind's ally, science its salvation.
Don't feel. 

"Asuka." 

"Shut up, Baka." 

Don't feel. Don't talk. Look ahead. Walk. 

"What's the matter, Wondergirl? You need your little manual to tell
you what to do?" 

Be calm. Rational. Analyze. 

"Oh, Wondergirl.hey, I'm talking to you!" 

An iron grip pressed against my biceps. I found Asuka blocking my
path, holding her glaring face mere inches from mine. Her eyes were
closed into dark slits. I felt her hot breath through her clenched
teeth. Her eyebrows furrowed together. 

"Wipe that smug look off your face or I'll do it for you," she hissed.
I sensed her right hand slowly closing and opening into a tight fist. 

"Asuka.don't." 

"You stay out of this, Shinji. This is between me and her. Isn't that
right, Wondergirl?" 

She tightened her grip. I saw strings pulled taut in her neck and
heavy cords winding up and down the length of her arms. 

I flicked my eyes to where she gripped my arm and then back to her
face to hold her stare. I said nothing but the meaning of the gesture
was clear: release my arm. She did not. 

As the seconds mounted, I could almost feel the tension radiating from
Shinji-kun's body. The moment my vision shifted to include Shinji-kun
was when I saw Asuka's hand leap from her side. I saw the blow coming
but made no counter, letting my head be turned by her open palm. 

She stood still after hitting me, glaring and breathing heavily. I
turned to face her, feeling something thick and sticky drip down from
my nose to fall onto the front of my blouse. We stayed like that,
looking at each other, neither of us moving. Finally, she turned away,
pulling Shinji by the sleeve as she picked up her schoolbag. 

"C'mon," she said. "Let's go." 

Shinji sputtered some reply but obediently followed. He looked back at
me once as they walked away, a look of sorrow, pain, and indecision
upon his face. Asuka tugged angrily at his arm, nearly yanking him off
his feet. When he recovered from his stumble, he looked forward again.


I watched their dwindling figures recede into the sunlight. It was
obvious they needed each other. Asuka to hit; Shinji to be hit. I did
not see where I could fit in except as a replacement for Shinji. 

I ran the side of my hand across the curve of my upper lip. A long,
crimson arc of liquid streaked from my wrist to the end of my
forefinger. I stared at this strange discovery, remembering my first
encounter of LCL. And my first encounter with Shinji. 

He had held me so lightly. The pain itself was almost unbearable, but
his touch was what made me shudder. 

I rubbed the dark blood with my thumb. 

Was this what he had felt? Was this what made him pilot? Did I take
away his life that day? Was my blood that powerful? 

I felt water on my face and I lifted a finger to trace its path. It
led to my eye. 

No. 

I quickly rubbed the droplet into the fabric of my skirt. 

Think. Be rational. Analyze. 

I gathered my belongings from the sidewalk and began to walk home. As
I walked through the city park, cherry blossoms littered the ground.
The leaves of many plants were a dark green as they died away.

------------------------------

From: "Evafreak" <Evafreak@happyhippo.com>
Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Dance of the Marionette, chapters 9-17
X-Moderation-Queue-Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2001 13:27:06 -0700 (PDT)

Evangelion I: Dance of the Marionette
By: Andrew Fong 
(send c&c to Evafreak@happyhippo.com)

-Chapter 9- 

The sound of construction greeted me upon my arrival. My building sat
quiet and undisturbed. A dark tower that held no spark of life, no
eternal flame but my life. 

I carefully made my way up the stairs and opened the door to my
apartment. The door closed behind me with the swift sound of wind. I
crossed the threshold to the bathroom. In the looking glass was a
disheveled girl with tousled blue hair and a drying river of red that
streaked down the lower half of her face. 

With a damp wash cloth, I removed the stain from my face. As I wrung
out my towel, I looked into the mirror. A memory surfaced of Asuka
flipping her hair and of Shinji-kun being mesmerized. 

I looked at my hair in the mirror. It was short and full of twisted
tangles. It was the complete opposite of Asuka's long, smooth, and
beautiful hair. I fingered the top drawer beneath the sink absently
and then opened it. I searched with my hand and pulled out a dark
black comb. I held it tightly in my hand, feeling the dull points on
my palm. 

The girl in the mirror looked at me, curious as to what I would do
next. I applied those points to my hair and ran the comb through my
hair. Those dark fingers grabbed tufts of my hair and refused to let
go, no matter how I tugged and pulled at the comb. I closed my eyes
and took a deep breath. With clenched teeth I ripped the comb through
the remaining strands of hair. I looked at this half jaw that had
bitten away part of my hair. A sideways glance in the mirror showed
that the few missing hairs were unnoticeable. I dropped the comb onto
the floor and left it there in the waning sunlight. 



The long corridor was dark and narrow. There was no light. Only the
sound of my footsteps revealed the size of the hallway. I felt along
the walls with my hand. A soft wind came from some opening at the end
of this tunnel. The wind chilled my skin even through the resilient
material of my plug suit. The wind became stronger as I continued
along this dark path. 

Somewhere up ahead, a dim light flickered through a dancing veil. As I
neared, the light seemed to retreat. I quickened my steps but it
disappeared before I could reach it. 

The veil swung silently next to me, waving good-bye to the solitary
flame that lit my way. Alone with my thoughts. There was suddenly the
sound of rushing water. It crashed all around me in the darkness, but
did not touch me. It stopped as quickly as it began. Nothing could be
heard but the faint sound of water dripping. 

I tried to listen for the source of this water, my eyes straining in
the dark as though they could assist my ears. A dark curtain was cast
off and a dozen suns seemed to explode around me. When I opened my
eyes to allow them to adjust, a hundred red eyes stared back. 

A wall of mirrors surrounded me. My reflection's reflection faded to
infinity. The pictures moved. 

"Who are you?" the mirrors asked. 

"I am me." 

"But what is it that makes you you?" 

"Water. Light. Commander. Shinji-kun. Eva." 

"Without them do you exist?" 

"Yes. But I would not be me." 

"They define you. Without them how can you know yourself?" 

"Because I am myself. That is sufficient." 

The mirrors suddenly grew cracks that extended out from their centers
as though they were freezing. The faces stared calmly. Their piercing
red eyes matching mine. The cracks soon dominated the faces of the
mirrors, and they broke under the weight of my stare. The pieces
littered the floor, becoming drops of water upon contact. The dark
river swirled away, draining down some unseen hole in the darkness.
And left me alone, once more. 



The phone rang loudly, jarring me from my sleep. I answered it while
rubbing the corners of my eyes. 

"Rei! Hurry up and get ready! We've got trouble. Shinji and Asuka are
already on their way down here. We need all of you ready to sortie
ASAP!" 

"Hai." 

I quickly tossed the phone onto the rumpled sheets of my bed. I
slipped into my school uniform that was draped over the back of my
chair and grabbed my school bag on my way out. I was already on NERV
base when the first alarms sounded throughout Tokyo-three. 

I rode the high security train to the Geo-Front and was out heading
for the locker rooms as soon as the doors opened. 

Asuka was already in her plug suit, flipping her hair out of the
collar space so it wouldn't be caught when her suit conformed to the
contours of her body. 

"Finally decided to show up, huh?" she said quickly as she looked over
her suit. 

I doubted she really expected an answer. There wasn't any time for
conversation, much less confrontation. It would have to wait. 

She grabbed her school clothes and hastily folded them and stuffed
them in her locker. 

had gotten into my plug suit and the material pressed against my skin.
From behind me I heard Asuka rushing towards the door. 

"I'll see you out on the field," she called out. "And Wondergirl.make
sure you don't stand in my way." 

The door opened, closed, and she was gone. 


-Chapter 10- 

The angel was standing atop one of the surrounding mountains by the
time our Evas surfaced. I quickly reached my designated armory
building and equipped my unit with a positron rifle. I put the gun to
full charge and checked on Asuka and Shinji-kun. Asuka was slapping
her Eva's left palm with the flat edge of a giant battle axe.
Shinji-kun was checking the ammunition for his pistol. Seemingly
satisfied, he slipped the clip back into the pistol, locking it into
place. He turned towards us. 

"Ready?" 

"Ready," replied Asuka. "I'll take point." 

"Unit Zero will back Unit Two." 

"I'll try to distract it," Shinji-kun said as Unit One moved off to
the side, flanking the angel and firing its pistol. 

I sprinted in the opposite direction, firing the rifle. The angel
swiveled its head from my direction to Shinji, seeming confused by our
actions. 

"Asuka!" Shinji shouted. "Now!" 

"Way ahead of you," she replied. 

Unit Two rushed the angel, keeping the axe close to its chest. As soon
as the angel was in her attack range, Asuka swung the axe in a wide
arc, aiming for the angel's ribcage. The heavy axe bit into the
angel's side. With a roar, the angel swung its head towards Unit Two
and opened its jaws, the axe still embedded in its thick hide. Unit
Two brought its arms up on each side of its head as the antler-like
mandibles closed upon them. 

The arms of Unit Two shook violently as it struggled to keep the jaws
from closing on its head. 

"A little help here!" Asuka yelled. 

Shinji's Eva was atop of the angel immediately, with its legs wrapped
around its back as it pried the angel's jaw open. Asuka, freed from
the prison of the angel's mouth, drew back her fist. The angel twisted
its body and ducked, bringing Unit One between it and Unit Two's
attack. Asuka's punch connected to the front of Shinji's Eva, and Unit
One's head snapped backward. A sickening crack was heard as Unit One
crashed down on the pavement. 

"Shinji!" Asuka cried out. 

The angel took advantage of Asuka's distraction and backhanded Unit
Two into a building. It then grabbed Unit Two by the back of the neck
and threw it down upon the asphalt. As Asuka tried to raise herself,
the Angel raised its foot and kicked Unit Two's head, whipping it
sideways. Unit Two rolled over on its shoulder from the force, and
laid still looking up at the sky. 

Unit One slowly picked itself and once again tried to tackle the
massive Angel. The Angel easily ducked under Shinji's frantic attack
and clamped its jaws around his unit's chest and began to crush it.
Unit One struggled, pounding the Angel's armored head with its fists.
The chest plate snapped and Unit One was still. I saw the entry plug
eject out from the base of the neck. 

I brought my Eva to a stop behind an armored building and raised up
the rifle. I saw the general shape of the angel shift and turn its
attention to the still Unit Two. It pulled the long handled axe from
its side. I sighted along the barrel, and my finger was poised over
the trigger. I could feel my finger twitching as I battled to squeeze
the trigger. Something froze my hand, prevented my attack. Make sure
you don't stand in my way. A picture of Commander appeared in my mind,
hands folded to conceal his mouth. The axe was raised high into the
air. 

I saw the image of Commander smile. I clenched my teeth and pulled
back the trigger. A moment after Asuka's scream was cut short, my
shots hit the angel. 



I sat silently in the waiting room of the infirmary. I stared down at
my pale hands, clasped in my lap. I remembered them shaking after I
had tackled the angel and thrust my progressive knife into its core. I
remembered the dead silence that echoed out from the city as I looked
at our battleground and saw the still figures of Units One and Two.
The recovery teams seemed much too slow in getting to the pilots. 

Shinji's Eva had crashed through some buildings that had been
evacuated during the angel attack. It laid face up, vacantly staring
at the bright sun. The twisted metal of the building coiled around its
massive limbs, making it appear as though it had somehow been fastened
to the ground. The front of its face was nearly crushed in and flakes
of red paint dotted the area. Asuka's Eva laid very still, its cheek
bone area shattered. A long handle extended from the chest cavity of
Unit Two. The pavement around it was broken from the impact of the
Angel's slam and the buildings around it were completely leveled. 

If only I had not held back. Commander was right. Emotions weaken
humanity. My duty was to destroy angels. I should have done my duty.
But I hadn't, and now Shinji and Asuka have paid for my negligence. It
should have been me that paid. I am replaceable. 

In the infirmary, doctors and nurses hurried by as they took upon
themselves the burden of my mistake. 


-Chapter 11- 

I arrived mid-morning, three days after the last Angel attack, to find
Shinji fighting in his sleep. His face bore a look of pain as he
struggled against the thin white sheets that stuck to his sweaty body,
holding his bony limbs at his side. His breaths were ragged and
sounded like that of a progressive knife slicing through an Angel's
core. They were high pitched, rapid, and disturbing. I approached
Shinji cautiously and, though unsure what I was doing, laid my hand
upon his burning forehead and pressed down reassuringly. He fought a
few more minutes and then began to slow his movements. I kept my hand
upon his forehead for a full minute after he had slipped back to
sleep. 

"Mother," he whispered. "Mother." 

Mother? 

I drew back my hand and looked at it. My hand appeared as it had
always been; it was not the hand of a mother. Was it? 

I sat down on the chair near Shinji's bed. 

What is Mother? Was Mother the "Lilth" I once overheard Commander
speak of to Sub-commander? The giant figure that Commander ordered the
lance to be embedded into. The white figure that awaited to be
reawaked from death. 

Shinji-kun turned over in his sleep, facing toward me. His face seemed
somehow younger there in the dark. His face was relaxed, and the
faintest of smiles could be see at the corners of his mouth. 

"So the worst of it is over now, Shinji-kun?" 

Shinji-kun slept quietly, his breathing slow and steady. He gave no
answer except for the slightest of smiles and a strange sensation in
my hand. 


-Chapter 12- 

"We are beginning the test. Are you ready, Rei?" 

"Hai." 

I waited quietly as the LCL was pumped into the entry plug. I was
given a few moments to allow my lungs to adjust to the oxygen rich
liquid. When I was able to breathe easily, I ran through the procedure
to activate my entry plug so I could synchronize with it. It was then
that I felt that something was wrong. It felt as though there was
something else inside the plug, a presence reaching out for me. This
was not the same bond I had felt before in Unit Zero. 

This new bond descended from the dark as though it meant to consume my
body and soul. It was cold and suffocating. I felt a sharp pang shoot
up my side, centering around my heart as though there was something
sharp piercing it. My hands could barely close and I couldn't feel my
legs at all. Yet the most disturbing were the voices. They called out
to me in garbled tones, a dozen voices whispering at once. Shinji's
voice was one of them, running through my head.mother.it echoed deep
into my consciousness. Mother.Is there someone calling me? 

"Rei! Rei, are you all right?" 

I became aware that the voices had melted away into Doctor Akagi's
voice. The entry plug had been deactivated and disengaged from the Eva
unit. I breathed slowly, trying to catch my breath. 

"I am fine." 

"All right, I think we've got enough data for today. Why don't we call
it a day?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

I opened the narrow hatch and stepped out of my entry plug, the LCL
dripping from my hair and rolling off my plug suit. The LCL
disappeared in the many drain holes which were embedded in the floor.
I smelled of blood. To another person it might have appeared that I
was being born. I felt different, dizzy and slightly faint. 

I was grateful to be free from the darkness. The presence that
intruded upon my mind felt strangely familiar. There was a feeling
that I knew what entity was trying to tap into my soul. My legs began
to regain their warmth and my hands stopped tingling. The piercing of
my heart was gone. Yes, I knew that presence. But could it be.mother? 



Doctor Akagi waited for me in the next room. The bright lighting from
the computers obscured the doctor's face in dark shadows. Her glasses
glinted once as she turned toward me before becoming dark as well.
Behind her, data was being collected and saved. 

"Is everything all right, Rei?" the doctor asked, her voice sounding
hollow. 

"Hai." 

We stood looking at each other as though there was something else to
say. She kept her hands hidden in the deep pockets of her white lab
coat as she eyed me like I was an impetuous child she was forced to
tolerate. She glanced at the small puddle of LCL that had begun to
pool beneath me. 

"Why don't you go get cleaned up? We'll wait a few days before the
next test." 

"Hai." 

She turned away and began busying herself with the papers that were
being printed. Through the door, I heard the doctor pick up a phone
and dial a number. A number I was sure went to a large, protected room
with a long desk where Commander sat, disturbed and displeased with
the recent turn of events. 

I walked quickly to the locker room. 


-Chapter 13- 

I sat outside Shinji's room with Nerv's new emergency manual. For the
past hour, Shinji's room had been completely silent. Presently I heard
the sound of rustling sheets and the sound of bed springs shaking. I
slipped the manual back into my waiting school bag and proceeded to
open the door to Shinji's room. 

I found him sitting on the edge of his bed, his back toward me. His
legs were shaking from the disuse. His muscles had atrophied and he
was weak. The thin, greenish blue hospital gown he wore was loose on
his slim body, for all his gasping could barely be seen by the rising
and falling of his chest. He leaned heavily on the bed as he placed
his bare feet upon the cold tiled floor. Slowly and painfully he
attempted to coax his debilitated muscles into movement. He winced
every moment that his feet were not resting on solid ground. When he
saw me, he immediately seemed to panic as his eyes went wide for a
moment and he stumbled, falling against the bed. 

I saw a look of pain in his eyes. Not just from his walking or his
fall; it was a look of disgrace, as though he was ashamed to be seen
like this in my presence. I did not know what to do. Was I expected to
help him or was I suppose to wait until he asked? The seconds
continued to pass by, emphasized by the faint ticking of the clock
above the doorway. 

"Do you.require assistance, Pilot Ikari?" 

He turned his head away, but slowly nodded his head. 

"I-I have to go." 

I set my school bag upon the chair next to the bed and stood beside
Shinji. Bending down, I placed my shoulder beneath his armpit and
wrapped my arm around his waist. He managed to get his left arm around
my shoulders and together we made our way to the bathroom. 

Using my foot, I pushed open the door and held it as he shuffled
inside. I waited patiently outside. A nurse walked past. 

"Oh, Miss Ayanami," she said. "Pilot Ikari's food is being prepared
now. It should be ready in a few minutes. Would you come and get it
for him? We're short of staff today." 

"Hai." 

She quickly walked off down the hall. In a few minutes I heard the
sound of running water from the bathroom and Shinji opened the door. I
helped him back to his bed. He sat with his knees close to his chest,
his hands holding them there. 

"How's Asuka?" he asked. 

"She has not yet awakened." 

He leaned his chin on his knees. Silence dominated in the room. I
sought a way to dispel this silence. 

"I have been asked to bring you your food. I will return." 

I almost turned away until that first sob reached my ears. I looked
over my shoulder at Shinji. He had balled up his fist, pressing the
back of his hand under his nose. His body shook as he cried. A thought
stirred deep within. A thought to try to comfort him. I couldn't leave
him, not like that. 

I slowly walked back to his bed where he had curled up, burying his
face into the crook of his elbow. I gently wrapped my arms around his
slim body, and leaned my chin on his shoulder. For a moment, he
half-hearted tried to push me away, but I did not yield and soon he
ceased his struggling. I felt his bitter tears roll down his cheeks to
wet and darken the sleeve of my school uniform. I held tighter and did
not let go until the last of his tears fell. 

"I need to leave now," I whispered in his ear. "I will be back with
your food." 

"I'm not hungry." 

"You should eat something. You will need your strength. Commander has
arranged for you to return in two days." 

"Father..." Shinji said softly. He looked down at his hands. "Rei?" he
whispered. 

"Yes, Shinji-kun." 

"Do you think Asuka will be okay?" 

"Asuka is a strong girl. She will survive." 

Shinji nodded. 

"She is strong," he agreed. "Much stronger than I am. I'm sure she'll
be fine soon. Right, Ayanami?" 

I had not recently checked on the Second Child. I only knew that she
was still unconscious, but as I looked at Shinji I saw that even in
his weakened state he refused to let down his barriers, would not
exist without his filters in place. He wanted me to be his filter, to
tell him how the world is and will be and if he should keep living
here. If he could not live here, he would hide away until the time
came when he could. 

But, I wondered. What if that day never comes? When we cease to have a
purpose, when we lose our identity, when we can no longer justify our
existence, then we must die. 

I believed that Asuka was part of his purpose, why he kept fighting.
If Shinji lost his purpose, his reason for continuing this struggle of
living, then he would simply stop fighting and slip beneath the bitter
waters into the waiting darkness below. 

I did not want Shinji-kun to die. If not for his sake, then for mine.
And for Commander. 

"I have not met another whose belief in themselves equaled hers," I
said. "She will survive, Shinji-kun. Believe in her." 

He nodded slowly. 

I left. 



As I made my way towards the dining commons, I checked the intensive
care wing. It was the first time I had seen Asuka since the attack and
she was not well. 

Her face was emancipated, her cheeks hollowed out. There were deep
grooves carved into the flesh below her eyes. Her lips were cracked
and peeling. Her hair no longer held the same shine in the sunlight. A
cardiograph monitored her heartbeat. An IV bag hung above her bed with
the two tubes set firmly into her arm. The translucent mask strapped
over her mouth and nose fed her a constant supply of oxygen. 

She looked as though she would blow apart with a breath. Looking
through the small window to the room, I could almost see Unit Two as
it had leaned against the armory building so long ago; its eyes dim.
If Asuka's eyes were opened, they would have been even dimmer. 

I left quickly.


-Chapter 14- 

The days seemed to pass slowly as I waited for Shinji-kun to be
released. I spent much of my time lying on my bed, staring up at the
ceiling trying to find meaning in all the recent events, trying to
find meaning in my life. I couldn't though. 

I existed only because he had created me, because he had a purpose for
me. He would not let me die until I had served my purpose, and I have
always looked forward to that day when I shall be no more. No longer
alone, no longer having service, painful service, as my only reason
for existing. But that was before Shinji arrived in Tokyo-three. 

At first he changed nothing in my life. He kept me from piloting
against the third Angel when I was wounded, but that made little
difference at the time. I would have fought the Angel, perhaps died as
well, but Commander would replace me and everything would be as
before. 

But I did not die. Commander never told me what he would have done if
I had died that night, but I knew. I can never forget my purpose. At
the same time, I sensed something new around Shinji-kun: as though an
even higher purpose called. An instinct to protect and nurture. But
humans don't have instincts; they have science, thought. Animals have
instincts, and I was not an animal. But I was not human either. I was
not born but created. A creation of man. 

But, I thought. Humans are a creation too. First, a creation of God.
Then a creation of man and woman. Was not I the same? Of course I
wasn't. Others are the creation of love, the longing to remove
barriers and become one. But wasn't I created by Commander out of his
love for his wife? So he could reunite with her? To become one? 

Shinji, I thought. You've changed everything. Before you arrived,
everything was so simple. I knew my purpose. I knew I would die, and I
looked forward to it. Now I fear that day. You told me not to say
good-bye when I leave for a mission. "It's too sad," you said. So I
don't say that anymore and yet I cannot allow myself to die without
telling you good-bye, the one who cared for me, not my purpose. And I
wonder now, when the time comes to fulfill my destiny if I will be
strong enough to leave you. 

I turned over onto my side, away from the light coming from my window.
My clock read ten twenty-eight. Shinji would be released at twelve. 

I collected my school bag and closed the heavy door behind me. 



I waited patiently outside of the locker room for Shinji. Two days
after his release and already Commander had him engaged in sync tests.
I have been treated similarly, however I knew that Shinji-kun wasn't
replaceable like I was. I concluded that Commander either thought of
Shinji-kun as merely a tool or he had tremendous confidence in his son
and Unit One. I believed in the second possibility. 

Shinji was important to Commander's plans and would not be sacrificed
unnecessarily. This was one of the reasons I was sure why I was
designated to be the shield bearer against the fifth Angel. I was to
protect him at all costs. I was a pawn, and Shinji was the vulnerable
king. If I was sacrificed to protect the king, so be it. 

I often wondered at the third Angel's attack, when I was ordered to
fight after Shinji initially refused. Was that an act? Did Commander
send me to fight because I am replaceable or because he knew Shinji
would not let me die? 

The locker room door opened, and Shinji stepped out. He looked
exhausted. His hair was uncombed and dripped constantly, indicating
that he had probably only made a half-hearted attempt to dry it. His
arms did not move as he walked; they rested limply on his school bag.
His eyes seemed dead. He did not make any indication that he saw me. 

"Shinji-kun?" 

My boldness surprised me. I wasn't close enough, familiar enough to
refer to him as "Shinji-kun" to his face, was I? 

He seemed to have awakened from a deep sleep, to become aware of his
surroundings. 

I clutched my schoolbag by the handles, holding it in front of my
lower body. I tried to remember why I was waiting for him. 

Orders. Katsuragi. The Major had given me orders. She had gone to the
hospital to check on the Second Child, but she wanted someone to be
there for Shinji when he finished his tests. I was sent to him. 

"I am to walk with you," I said as I remembered my orders. "Major
Katsuragi has given me orders to escort you home." 

Shinji nodded slowly, painfully. I waited for him to say something,
but no words came, so we walked. The hallway seemed to narrow as our
footsteps echoed down its long side. I felt myself being drawn closer
to Shinji, but we never touched. 

We stayed that way until we made it to the surface. It was then that I
looked at him, saw him in the waning sunlight. His head hung sadly as
though the tests had been the least of his worries. Something else
destroying him. 

"Rei?" 

"Yes, Ikari-kun." 

"How is Asuka? I haven't heard anything about her. They even moved her
into a different wing of the hospital now. I don't know where she is
anymore. What are they doing with her?" 

Asuka. Second Child. Why do you torture Shinji-kun? Even lying
unconscious, tucked away in a distant room you control him. He becomes
weak without you. Would he do the same for me? How could I answer
Shinji-kun? 

"Major Katsuragi has gone to the hospital to check on the Second
Child. Perhaps she is better." 

As though on cue, Shinji's cellular phone began to ring. It took him a
moment to answer it, but when he did, his eyes widened. Shinji's face
held the expression of shock and disbelief, as though his best friend
had punched him hard in the stomach. The unheard conversation
continued for a few seconds before Shinji hung up and stuffed the
phone back into his bag. 

His eyes seemed to be dead as he stared blankly ahead. Suddenly his
eyelids twitched and his eyes sprung to life. 

"It's Asuka.I-I have to get to the hospital. I have to go." 

And with that he sprinted past me, racing down the street as fast as
his legs would carry him. 

Wait! I wanted to scream as my hand reached out for him. It closed
upon empty air. Wait! Oh, God, Wait. 

I wanted to say something, anything to make him stay with me. 

No. Don't go. Don't run off after her. Stay with me. 

My hand clutched upon empty air. I shut my eyes tightly; a pounding
filled my ears. I felt my heart beating heavily in my chest. I
listened to the beating of my heart grow faint, fading past the liquor
stores and the delis, the Raman stands and the cars. I heard it melt
away in the sun, disappearing down the street until it dipped below
the horizon and was gone. My hand clutched at the empty air. 


-Chapter 15- 

I returned home to find sunlight streaming through my window. The
light fell squarely on a bluish-green drinking glass sitting next a
hard leather glass case. The glass did not sparkle at all. I held the
glass and turned it around gently in my hands. 

Shinji-kun. What am I to you? Am I anything? 

I closed my eyes. 

Of course not. I am nothing but a tool, a pawn to protect a king. I
live an artificial life, trying to convince myself that my soul is
real when it was manufactured. 

That is the truth, I told myself. And you know it. 

It was the kind of truth that scorched the tongue and scratched the
throat, the kind that left your mouth dry when you first swallowed it.
It was the kind of truth that cut through any barriers you were
pretentious enough to build, and embedded itself deep within the
festering wound. It was the kind that would not go away, no matter how
tightly you closed your eyes. It burned the finger when grasped,
searing the flesh down to the bones. 

I placed the cup back onto the top of the dresser. Not all battles
should be fought. Commander believed that. Shinji has his reason to
exist again. I am not needed. I closed the curtains to block out the
daylight. 

Sometimes in life we must open up our chest and have our heart ripped
out, even if only to know that it still beats. 



The next few days were quiet. I saw little of Shinji. I filled my days
with Eva, that grotesque god that ruled over my life. I could never
hide from its monstrous eye. I could not run far enough that my
strings would not pull me back to its cold grasp. Never would I ever
cleanse myself from its smell of blood. It is all I have. 

Asuka.you are the one who has Shinji. Not I. You have Eva and Shinji.
No matter if you lose Eva for that doesn't seem to matter to Shinji. I
had Eva first. I am the First Child. Yet I never had Shinji. 

You were clever, Commander. You called him here. You made him pilot by
dangling me in front of him; you keep him fighting with Asuka. Asuka
is your insurance of his submission to your will. You made me a woman
who doesn't bleed; you made me disposable. He cannot care about a
doll. I can be replaced and when he learns of this he could leave; he
could run away. But Asuka cannot be replaced. Shinji would not let her
die for she would never again exist for him and he would not be able
to live with himself then. 

I looked up. Unit Zero stood like a huge idol. Its one eye peered down
at me. 

What do you see? I asked. What soul do you hold? Mine? I don't have
one. I never did. 

Unit Zero looked down upon me, mocking me. A vessel emptier than
itself. Yes, empty and hollow inside. 

It was then that Nerv's alarms chose to go off, resounding throughout
the city of darkness, where Angels fear to tread. 

I felt the rubber of my plug suit tight against my skin. I looked up
to Unit Zero. 

"Come," I said. "It is time for us to die." 



"Rei! What are you doing?" 

It was the Major. I glanced over to the side where her image sat
suspended in the air. She looked scared, though I knew she couldn't
be. She is scared for Shinji. She is scared for Asuka. How could she
possibly be scared for me? 

"There is an Angel," I said. "I must fight it." 

"You can't go yet, Rei. Shinji isn't here yet. We need to come up with
a strategy first. We don't know what this Angel is capable of." 

"I will find out for you, Major. Then you will know what it can do
when Shinji arrives." 

I cut the link to headquarters. I knew they wouldn't let me use the
launch pads, but I already knew a way to the surface. We had to use it
once when someone blew the circuits that powered Tokyo-3. I was the
back-up player in that mission, my usual role. I was always the
back-up. Always behind the others, blended in with the somber and
mundane background of the world. 

Why am I here? 

I am not a doll. I will do as I wish. And without Shinji, I wish to
die. 

I turned off communications and directed my unit to the tunnels and
ducts that would lead me to the surface. 


-Chapter 16- 

With a swift punch of my Eva's massive fist, the metal grate shot into
the sky. I pulled my Eva out from the subterranean tunnel. I was
standing in the center of the city, somewhere near the edge of the
city the sounds of the Angel approached. I needed to find an external
power cord before I battled the Angel. Two of the storage buildings
opened and I quickly grabbed the rifle and plugged the power cord into
my Eva's back. The battery ceased its countdown. 

Now it was time to deal with the Angel. I crept through the sheltered
city, listening to the sounds of the Angel as it continued on its way
to Nerv despite the bullets and missiles. There it was, walking
towards Nerv headquarters. 

It looked like a giant, hairless monkey with broad shoulders and arms
that dangled around its knees. Its body had an odd wet sheen, like the
sweat gleaming off of a runner's forehead. It was black, as though it
had walked through a great fire. Its core was placed in its sternum,
guarded by what appeared to be a second jaw of jagged teeth. Large
streaks of red passed over its left eye, like freshly made scars
received by a giant claw. 

It didn't seem to notice me peeking out from behind the armory
building. I pulled the rifle close to my Eva's chest. 

As I prepared to dart out and confront the angel I heard the major's
voice. 

"Rei. Shinji's getting suited up now. Don't engage the angel in close
quarters unless you have to. We're sending Shinji in Unit One to
assist." 

"Understood." 

I brought my Eva's head back behind the building and closed my eyes
for a moment, trying to focus my thoughts. 

Be rational. 

I had almost done something very foolish. I let my guard down and
allowed myself to be weakened and diluted by emotion, drunk from the
intoxication and heady feeling of despair. 

Please hurry Shinji-kun. 

I felt a tingling sensation along my hands. It was as though a thin
trail of spiders were crawling along my wrists, dragging behind them
their silken threads to bind me once more to his command. 

My eyes snapped open, hands instantly picking up the slack of my
rifle. Nothing was around. I looked around the corner to where I had
last seen the Angel, but it was gone. Anxiously I stepped out from
behind the building, rifle ready but saw nothing. 

Suddenly I felt a presence beside me. I hurried to swivel my rifle
around, but it was too late. The Angel grabbed the barrel of my rifle
and shoved my unit into the buildings behind it. As I fell to the
ground I managed to pull out my progressive knife from its storage in
my unit's right shoulder blade. I used the momentum from the Angel to
roll my unit onto its back and propel itself back on its feet,
narrowly escaping the Angel's massive hand that smashed through the
pavement. 

My unit was crouched down, one hand on the ground, the other holding
the knife out toward the Angel, not unlike a cornered animal. I saw my
chance to strike as the Angel was slowly pulling its fist out from the
ground. With a great push, I launched my unit at the Angel, the knife
drawn back and ready to be plunged into the vulnerable core. The Angel
raised its Absolute Terror field, but I was ready. 

"A.T. field to maximum," I said, raising its power until it was strong
enough to allow me to punch through the Angel's A.T. field. 

With the sound of a snapping of ropes, my unit broke through the
Angel's barrier. I thrust the progressive knife at the Angel's core,
but it managed to evade my attack and grab my unit from behind. It
became a battle of strength as it attempted to keep my unit's arm
pinned to its sides, while I attempted to free myself from its deathly
grip. I strained desperately with the controls, hoping to break away
from the Angel. 

"Shinji! Rei's in trouble," I heard the major say over the
communication line. "Get out there and take some of that heat off." 

"Hai." 

I saw one of the lift buildings open up and Unit One step out, its
eyes were narrow beams of light that burned of hatred. Its mouth
opened, revealing huge teeth that seemed to waiting to devour the
Angel. 

From somewhere above my head, a long beam of white light shot out at
Unit One, hitting the ground and plowing up many yards of city
pavement. Unit One jumped aside and hid behind some buildings until
the beam passed. 

I must protect Shinji-kun. 

I braced myself, lowering my Eva's body to gain more leverage.
Gritting my teeth, I struggled as hard as I could to escape. I could
feel the Angel's grip giving way, but I could not gain enough of an
advantage to completely get away. 

Shinji had brought his unit out again, keeping the long rifle trained
on the Angel. 

"Ayanami!" he said over the intercom. "I can't get a shot until you
get out of the way." 

I flexed my unit's arms higher, slowly getting them unpinned. The
sweat beaded up on my forehead, and mixed with the LCL that began
stinging my eyes. My forearms ached and I could feel a pulsing in my
temples, as though something might snap or explode at any moment. I
felt tears welling in my eyes from the exertion. 

The Angel shifted, clamping its long arms around me tighter. Somehow,
through the womb-like and sound dampening LCL, I could hear a soft
whining. It sounded like a weak light bulb struggling to light up. The
Angel was preparing to shoot another beam. 

Shinji! 

I pushed my unit fully into the Angel, knocking it back into a large
building. With a quick flip of a button, the back of my unit's
shoulder blades slid open and the burners hidden inside activated. A
deep roar erupted from behind me and the Angel's ropy arms released
me. 

My unit was propelled away for a few seconds from the burners, but I
quickly shut them off and wheeled around to face the Angel. I was
turned around with my knife ready, my unit already crouched low to
dive into the Angel. 

"Ayanami!" Shinji shouted, and I became aware of what he saw. 

Although half embedded into the building, the Angel was still free to
move its head to aim its beam towards me. The eyes were already
glowing a hot white. The light in its eyes suddenly flared up,
blinding me. 

I covered my eyes with one forearm as my other hand instinctively went
to raise my unit's A.T. field. 

A horrible heat wave surrounded me. It started somewhat slowly. First
an itching, growing stronger, more undeniable. This soon melted into a
terrible burning that enveloped my body. It felt as if my skin was
turning to flakes and peeling away. I screamed, and the A.T. field
around my unit pulsed brightly and then faded and disappeared. 

The beam shot through my unit's chest, leaving a gaping hole. And the
pain. The pain was transferred, channeled directly to me. The pain of
a missing heart. 

My hands pulled away from the controls, and leapt to my ribcage,
resting between my breasts. I could feel something warm and sticky
slip out of my lips. Blood? I coughed, gagged, choked, my body arching
uncontrollably. The entry plug shook, once, twice, as my unit stumbled
back on unsteady feet. I felt the knife slip out of my hand and smash
into the pavement a second before my unit followed suit. 

The LCL turned cloudy. I could do nothing but lay there, a doll with
nothing inside. It felt like something had been lanced deep in my
heart, punched through my back, and that something on the other end
was slowly twisting it side to side, delighting in my pain. 

Through the cloudy LCL, I could see a light. A sun, blazing and
burning. I heard voices, calling and beckoning. The light pierced
through the dark and cold clouds. 

"Shinji," I whispered, barely loud enough for my own ears to perceive.
"Good-bye, Shinji." 

I closed my eyes. The voices reached an intolerable pitch, but I could
scarcely hear them anymore. I felt the LCL grow cold, and the light
disappear, leaving me in complete darkness. 

I am home. 


-Chapter 17- 

"Ayanami. Ayanami!" 

I was dimly aware of someone shaking me. The dark curtains covering my
eyes lifted so that I could look out in a half squint. 

The ceiling was tiled, a familiar blue-green. Dark, walnut cabinets
adorned one wall of the sparsely decorated room. I heard a faint
beeping to my left: one second, two seconds, three seconds. It was
timed to my heart. The shaking continued from the left. 

I turned my head. 

There was a frame of light, a box. In the center, was an irregular
oval with ragged edges on the top and sides. It blended into a thin
cylinder at its bottom that slowly spread out for about half the width
of the oval and then sharply dropped off. The oval moved closer, the
light wrapped around its side. 

From this distance I could see Shinji's face of relief, tears rolling
down the sides of his oval face. 

"Oh, Ayanami," he said, burying his head into the crook of my neck.
"I'm so glad you're all right. I thought you would be gone forever. I
couldn't stand the thought of you and Asuka leaving me. I wouldn't
know what to do." 

"Asuka?" I asked weakly. 

"Don't worry about her, Ayanami," he said, pulling himself way so he
could look at me in the face. "She's doing fine. She woke up about
three days ago. She's back home now, and the doctors say she's fit
enough to go to school and pilot again." 

He laughed. 

"She said the first thing she'll do when she gets back into Eva is
smashed the school, but I think she's back to her normal self. I'm
still doing most of the cooking and cleaning, but I'm used to that by
now." 

He smiled. 

I felt him place his firm hand on my limp one. I dearly wanted to turn
my hand over and clasps his with mine, but I barely had strength to
move my neck, much less have the dexterity to move my hand. Perhaps he
knew what I wanted, for he nervously slipped his other hand around to
grasp my hand in his two. I closed my eyes and squeezed his hand
lightly. 

I could feel the strings snap from around my wrists as my muscles
tensed. The white gloved hand was replaced with another's, a hand no
bigger than my own. A hand that held no burn scars, but had braved the
fires of battle nonetheless. 

Thank you. 

I know now why I will die. I will die to carry away all your pain and
sadness. I can be strong now. I have a reason to live. I have a reason
to die. I will continue in my duty and service and when the time comes
for me to fulfill my purpose I will die out of my purest heart for
you. 

"Pilot Ikari. It's time for Ayanami to get some rest." 

"Hai." 

Shinji's hands left mine and he picked up his schoolbag and followed
the white clad nurse from the room. I saw him peek over his shoulder
at me and wave once before he disappeared into the hallway. 

I closed my eyes once more. I felt my heart beating, fading down the
hall, down stairs, and to the streets below. It ran along the busy
streets of Tokyo-three, past cars and Raman stands, past delis and
liquor stores. But I did not reach out after it to call it back. I let
it run as it will. 

Puppet master. You have tried to shape me in your image. A cold,
unfeeling doll. A tool. I am your doll no longer. I have a heart and a
soul. And saying this, I feel something inside, something beyond
myself. 

Mother? 

It gave no definitive answer. I merely felt a stirring deep within me.
It was slow and deliberate, like nodding. 

I slowly eased my hand along my body and, placing it on my heart, fell
asleep. The beeping continued: one second, two seconds, three
seconds...