From: Lara Bartram <lara@emunix.emich.edu>

[Characters are property of Gainax, and not me.]


Endless Mile
by Lara Bartram



	"Why do you cry, little one?"
	Shinji stiffened, and hurriedly wiped his eyes.  He hadn't heard
the man approach, but then he was involved with other things at the
moment.  "I'm not crying," he said defiantly, though there was a clear
quaver in his voice.
	"Do you suffer so much that you come here to hide in the dark?"
	There was a gentle stirring of air behind Shinji, and then he
sensed the man behind him.  He did not turn around.
	"The dark is dangerous.  There are things that live in the dark,
that prey upon small things like you."
	Shinji swallowed, though he didn't fear for his safety.  The man's
words did hold a certain truth to them, as he knew from his own time in
the darkness.  "I know."
	"But you're not afraid?"
	The hairs on the back of Shinji's neck stood.  His sense of the
man's presence grew stronger.
	"I see.  You think you know about those things, those things that
wait in the dark.  These monsters you fear, 'angels', don't live in the
dark.  Your father doesn't live in the dark."
	The fear suddenly began to crawl up Shinji's neck.  Only now did
he realize he was in danger.
	"In the dark, with me."
	He meant to run, to flee for his life, but an icy hand on his neck
stopped him completely.  Even his voice, which wanted to cry out in
terror, was rendered aphonic.
	"It's not so bad, really," the man said soothingly, his voice like
a whisper on the wind.  "What is there to be afraid of if you are a part
of your fears?  What do you need to fear when you are the one that causes
fear in others?"
	One part of Shinji wanted to scream, but another, the part of
himself that he always hated because it was so weak, agreed.
	"It's a small thing... Shinji.  Something you'd like to be a part
of, wouldn't you?  To belong, and to be feared, and to not be afraid of
the dark..."
	Eyes staring out into the darkness, Shinji felt himself nod.  
Though he still felt frightened, it was... small, and very far away.  It
wasn't something that concerned him any longer.
	A feathery touch caressed the side of his throat and wrist,
sending chills down his spine.  "I wouldn't do something like this without
your consent though, as strange as it may sound.  But I can give you what
you want; I can help you.  Just say yes."
	It was hissed in his ear, more like a command than anything, but
still, the words held a promise in them.  A promise to make things better
for him, and all he had to do was...
	One bob of his head in agreement was all he managed.
	The pounding of blood through his head was louder than anything he
had ever heard.  Even louder than his own screams.  Accompanying that
sound was a cool wave that washed over his body.  Starting at his neck, it
washed over him gently, slowly, and he could feel himself winding down
like a broken toy.
	There wasn't anything to be afraid of in the dark.  After all,
that was where he was going...

	"Shit!"
	The two men crashed through the underbrush and emerged to see a
form crouching over their charge.
	"Get the fuck off him!" one yelled, though didn't bother waiting
for compliance before he started shooting.
	Their bullets seemed to do little outside of irritating the person
attacking the Third Child.
	It stood and revealed itself to be... mostly human in appearance,
though the amber eyes and near skeletal frame told the men it was 
something else.  The pale, white skin made it seem to glow in the night,
and neither agent could be sure it wasn't.
	All they knew was the Third Child falling limply to the ground,
unmoving.  The boy who they had been charged to keep safe almost from day
one because he surely couldn't protect himself...
	They began firing at the humanoid and didn't stop until their guns
were empty, at which point they swiftly reloaded and began firing anew.  
One of them, seeing how ineffectual their guns seemed to be, resorted
immediately to his last option.  Out of one pocket, he pulled what
appeared to be a silver marker, but when he pushed the button on it, it
exploded in green light.
	The flare launched into the air and cast the area in bright green
light.
	The creature--the only thing they could really see it as--drew
back, throwing up its arms to shield itself from the near blinding light.
It hesitated for a moment, then moved almost faster than they could follow
into the extreme darkness outside their circle of light.
	The two men from Section 2 stood there for a moment, not really
believing their eyes.  One of them shook this off and ran for the fallen
boy.  He had his phone out even as he kneeled down.  "This is a medical
emergency.  The Third Child has been attacked."  He rolled Shinji over and
winced.  "We need a pickup here _now_!"
	"Jesus, what the hell was that?"
	"I don't fucking know!  What do we do?  He's bleeding all over the
place!"
	"I... I don't know.  I never got any med training."
	The green flare masked the color of Shinji's blood.

***

	Asuka stared wide-eyed at Shinji's form.  This wasn't like any
other time.  Shinji was still clinging to life, and there wasn't anything
to do.  He had never been seriously, _really_ seriously hurt before, and
now...
	An attack by an unknown individual.  That was what the two
dummkopfs that had been watching him said.
	She had to wonder how closely the men watching her were looking.

	"There was no noise, no disturbances, nothing to indicate the
presence of another individual, ma'am!"
	"I hope you two morons know that if I had half the power Commander
Ikari does, I'd throw both your asses in holding cells right now!"
	"Yes, ma'am!"
	Misato slumped down in her chair and rubbed her forehead.  "Get
out of my sight.  If I need any more of your incompetence, I'll let you
know."
	The two men nodded and marched off.  They had expected the
reaction, and didn't think anyone would really believe that the Third
Child's attacker had been completely silent; there had been no
warnings.  They both felt fortunate nothing more severe had come of the
situation.

***

	"How long until he is healthy enough to pilot?"
	"I can't say for sure.  He lost a lot of blood, and is still in a
coma, though those are the only things to really worry--"
	"Dismissed."
	Ritsuko nodded.  He had no use for such trivialities unless she
could tell him when Shinji could pilot again.  Not unexpected, but...  In
a worst case scenario, where Shinji died, what would happen then?
	It was still a very real possibility.  One she didn't want to
consider the consequences of.

***

	Misato sighed and watched Shinji's inert form.  He was paler than
she remembered, and even thinner.  She would have to remember to ask if he
was getting the right amount of nourishment.
	Though his heartbeat and breathing were both steady, they were so
slow, they had all the medical personnel concerned.  And, of course,
herself.
	When a boy's heartrate was only twelve beats per minute, and
breathing so slow, the purity of oxygen flowing into the mask over his
mouth and nose was frightening, how could she not be concerned?  
Frightened, even.  There was certainly nothing wrong with that.
	Shinji was almost like a... nephew to her.  Everything they had
been through, all his troubles, every time he depended on her for
something...
	"Ikari is still unconscious."
	Misato jerked and looked over at the owner of the voice.  "Yes,
Rei.  It really doesn't... look good.  Whatever happened--"
	"He is strong."
	Misato blinked.
	"He will survive."
	With a deep sigh, Misato nodded, never removing her eyes from the
boy.  "I hope you're right, Rei."

***

	The world "switched on" around him.  Sounds, sights, and smells
came into being.
	He sat up slowly, mindful of the needles in his arm, and gazed at
the room.  With extreme care, more than necessary, he removed the oxygen
mask and let it fall to the bed.  The clip on his finger was the next
thing to be removed.
	Shinji was about to begin removing needles when medical personnel
rushed into the room.
	"Just lay down," one nurse said and pushed him back on the bed.
	The others all scurried around him, running tests and doing other
things that were of no significance to him.
	"Get out of the way!"  Misato pushed her way through the crowd to
see him.
	"Hello, Misato," he said soberly from his reclined position.
	"Are you all right, Shinji?" she asked, nearly hysterical.
	"I'm fine.  Just a little tired."
	"We were all so worried about you!"
	Shinji looked at the others in the room, felt all the little
things they were doing to him...  "Really, I'm fine."
	Misato replied with confusion in her voice.  "You were half-dead
for almost two weeks!"
	"I'm fine now."  His eyes flicked from Misato's to the
ceiling.  He was feeling a bit nauseous--not enough to be of concern--and
the motion around him wasn't helping.  The cool, white clarity of the
ceiling helped him to tune out the chaos around him.

	"Shinji?  Shinji"
	Again, his environment appeared around him.  This time, he was in
the infirmary alone with Misato.  He sat up and looked at her.  "I must've
fallen asleep."
	"If you're still tired..." she said guiltily.
	"I'm not, but... when can I leave?"  He rubbed his arm where the
IV had been.
	"Er... any time.  You get a green light."
	Shinji nodded.  "I'm hungry," he commented, while sitting up and
swinging his legs off the bed.  It was more than a case of the munchies,
or even a growling stomach.  There was emptiness in him, like his entire
soul had been yanked out, and needed to be replaced by food.
	"Shinji..."
	He looked at her with wide eyes.  "What is it, Misato?"
	"Nothing.  Let's get out of here."

	Misato kept glancing worriedly at Shinji.  He was in surprisingly
good spirits considering, but there was something she couldn't quite put
her finger on.  She had been prepared to explain everything that had
happened, at least what they knew, but he hadn't asked.
	Instead, he was hungry.  "So, I know it's kind of late, but
whatever you want, we're there," she said and tried to be cheery about it.
	He turned away from the window and smiled at her.  "You don't have
to be worried.  I'm fine."
	Though she didn't believe him totally, hearing him say it made her
feel better.  "Okay, okay, I get the point.  Now where should I go?  
You're the one that's hungry."

***

	Thankfully, Asuka was already asleep.  Shinji just didn't want to
deal with her insults then.  Even when he thought she might be worried,
she always turned it against him.  And each time, she couldn't see how
much it hurt him...  Or she did and didn't care.
	Sighing heavily, Shinji rolled to his side and stared at the bare
walls of his room.  Misato had bought him food, but still, he was
hungry.  All of the food he had eaten, and he didn't feel full in the
least.  In fact, it was like he hadn't had anything at all.
	There wasn't any way he could go to school like that.  Or even
pilot.  His mind kept returning to the fact that he was aching inside for
food, over and over...
	No, there was no way he could go to school.  He wouldn't, no
matter what Misato said.  He couldn't sit in that classroom and listen to
the old goat drone on about shit that didn't even happen one more day!  
And forget going to NERV.
	Shinji knew he couldn't sync with Unit-01.  Before, he had always
dreaded the fact that he could and waited for the day he would no longer
be useful to his father.  Yet, now that it had arrived, he wasn't so happy
about it.  With only two Evangelions, what would Rei and Asuka do?
	They needed a third.  They needed another as the angels got more
powerful.  The next time, two might not be enough to fight the angel, and
then...
	He couldn't imagine.
	But Rei and Asuka...  He didn't want anything to happen to
them.  He didn't want to see them hurt, and all for his father's plans.  
	Shinji rolled to his other side and stared out the window at the
muted lights of the city.  He had never really noticed how the lights and
buildings ruined the view before.  He could imagine, if there hadn't been
anything hindering his view, he could have looked out across green fields
to the ocean, with a crystal clear sky above him...
	Feeling a bit heavy from the melancholy thoughts, Shinji turned
away from the window.  He would never escape to someplace as clean and
free as that.  They would never allow him to go, not while they still
needed him.
	Being human was a curse, he knew at that moment.  Hatred of being
needed, but the desire to be needed...  Loneliness versus solitude.  He
wasn't quite sure which was more important to him, though his father had
certainly pushed him toward solitude.
	If solitude meant he was lonely, but wasn't... abused, then that
was his path.  
	Even if he had to leave Misato and Rei and Asuka.  Even if they
were hurt, he wouldn't be, and he didn't have to be hurt anymore.  It was
in his power to change that.
	Somehow, he had managed to toss and turn the night away, and
sounds of a few cars and birds outside told him of the approaching
dawn.  With another sigh, Shinji covered his head with his blanket, and
slept.

***

	"Then he can pilot."
	"Well, yes, but--"
	"Dismissed."
	Ritsuko wanted to throw her papers at him, if only to allow her to
get a complete sentence out for once.  "Let me amend my statement," she
said through clenched teeth.  "He _should_ be able to, but that doesn't
mean he can.  His heart and breathing are a lot lower than they should
be."
	Gendo remained silent, waiting for the rest of it.
	"I'll run a regular sync test with him, but I am not guaranteeing
anything."
	"He will pilot again.  He will not jeopardize the Project."
	Whatever it took, get Shinji in Unit-01 and fighting angels.  As
it had always been, whether it was Rei or Shinji or Asuka.  Get them to
pilot to fight the angels at all costs.  Protect the geofront at all
costs.  Unfortunately, all costs was beginning to get a little high for
her and her sanity.
	With a huff, Ritsuko turned and left.

	Ritsuko listened to the phone ring and tapped her foot
impatiently.  "Hurry up, Misato," she mumbled.
	/"Hello?"/
	"Misato, I need you to bring Shinji in for a sync test."  This was
no time for nonsense and friendly chat.
	/"When?"/
	"Now would be good," Ritsuko answered curtly.
	/"He's asleep.  When I looked in on him, he was bundled in the
blanket like a mummy."/
	"Fine.  I don't care when he wakes up.  He needs to be here for a
sync test ASAP.  You hear me?"  Sometimes, details like "now" and
"urgent" 
slipped past Misato.
	/"I'll call and let you know as soon as he's awake."/
	"Good."  Ritsuko hung up and felt a bit guilty about being so
short with her friend, but... when the ax swung down, she'd shove as many
people as necessary to get out of its way.

***

	Shinji managed to untangle himself from his blanket and get his
head clear.  He felt amazingly wide awake and clear-headed, which almost
never happened in the morning.  Usually, he had Asuka yelling at him,
hurrying through breakfast, slapping together lunches, and then rushing
off to school...
	This time...  He listened.  Pleasant silence.  Though... he also
noticed something odd: it was dark out.  Had he been asleep for such a
short amount of time?
	He got out of bed and walked quietly to his door.  Opening it a
crack, he peeked down the hall.  It was quiet and nothing moved.  He
opened the door the rest of the way and walked quietly down the hall.
	The doors to both Misato's and Asuka's rooms were closed, and the
bathroom was dark.  This was very odd.  He moved to the living room, which
was illuminated only by the light spilling from the kitchen.
	He entered the kitchen to find Misato sitting at the table, eating
ramen.  She had not heard him at all, though it seemed odd to Shinji that
he didn't hear any sound from her either.  It was like he had become deaf
overnight.  He reached out his hand to touch her shoulder, opening his
mouth to call her name, when his hearing returned.
	Yet, it wasn't any of the sounds that Misato eating would be.  It
was a slow thumping sound coming from her direction.  He could feel his
heart speed up to keep in time with it, accelerating his breathing along
with it.
	Shinji felt... on edge, impatient.  Whatever that noise was, and
why his body was reacting to it, it was coming from Misato, who was
oblivious to his presence.  With eyes oddly wide, he watched her eat, the
motion of her jaw as she chewed the noodles before swallowing...  The
movement of sinew and bones in her throat and neck...
	The noise grew louder and more insistent.  It... smelled so good,
and he knew that's what would finally fill him.  To just take a little
taste...
	Snapping back to himself, Shinji found him much closer to Misato
than he remembered being with his hand outstretched.  The strange sound
from before was gone, and everything seemed back to normal.  He took a
frightened step back, which finally alerted Misato.
	She turned and gave him a tired smile.  "Finally awake, eh?  
Ritsuko wants you in for a sync test right away.  Hope you're up for it."
	A weak nod was his only response.  Shinji was still trying to
discern just what was going on in him.

***

	The doctor looked at him cooly.  "You feel fine?"
	Shinji nodded, feeling more nervous than usual under her gaze.
	"You're not tired or anything?  Any pain in your neck?"
	Shinji shook his head.
	For a moment, Dr. Akagi just looked at him, then nodded.  "Right,
then get changed so we can get started.  I've been here all day waiting
for you."
	"Yes, ma'am," he responded weakly as she left him.  With her out
of the room, he could relax though.  Normally, he wouldn't feel any undue
pressure from Dr. Akagi, but after the incident with Misato, Shinji was
keeping on his own guard.  He didn't want a repeat of it.
	Shuddering a bit, he released a breath and began to change into
his plugsuit.

	Ritsuko swore under her breath.  Shinji couldn't synchronize with
Unit-01.  It wasn't that he couldn't manage to sync enough to make the
construct move, he couldn't sync at all.  Zero.  Not even 0.00000009%.  
Absolutely nothing.
	"Shinji, go get changed," she instructed.
	"Yes, ma'am," he replied quietly through the comm.
	This would be unpleasant to explain to the commander.  Grabbing
the stack of readouts, Ritsuko went to speak to Shinji.

	She rapped twice on the changing room door and waited until she
heard Shinji speak from the other side.  Entering, she found him still
clad in his plugsuit, looking very unhappy.
	"This isn't good at all, Shinji."
	"I know."
	"I don't blame you for it, but... I need to see results."
	"I... I can do better," he said pleadingly.
	Ritsuko sighed at his puppy dog expression.  "Shinji, do you know
what your percentage was?  Do you have any idea?"
	Shinji shook his head.
	"Zero.  Zero point zero.  We might as well not even have put you
into the EVA to get those results."  She dropped the readouts on the bench
next to him.  "I know there's not much I can say, but...  Oh Christ."  She
rubbed her forehead in an effort to chase the headache that had cropped
up.
	When she looked back at Shinji, she was surprised to see him
staring at her with an odd, vacant expression on his face.  "Shinji?"
	His eyes grew very wide, almost frightened, and then he lunged at
her.

***

	"She's not answering," Maya stated quietly.  "I'll go down and get
her," she informed the others, who were barely listening anyway.  The
evening crew was even worse than Hyuga and Aoba.
	Moving at something between a walk and a run, Maya went to the
changing rooms and knocked tentatively on the men's door.  "Sempai?" 
After 
waiting for a few seconds, she knocked again.
	When she still received no answer, Maya opened the door slowly,
waiting for someone to tell her they were indecent.  "Sempai?  Are you in
he--"
	The words caught in her throat as she saw the mess on the
floor.  She flung the door open the rest of the way and screamed at the
sight of the bloodied corpse of Doctor Akagi Ritsuko.

	Misato stared, her face drawn tight and lips set in a thin line.  
There was a sheet over her friend's body, but the blood was visible all
over the floor.  "Where's Shinji?"
	"We don't know.  There was no trace of him when we arrived and
searched the area."
	Misato nodded, but didn't take her eyes from the body.  "He needs
to be found immediately."  This was just what she needed, right after
Shinji's... accident and all.  She turned and glared at the men.  "I said
immediately!  Move!"
	Misato looked back at the body and sighed as the room cleared of
security.

***

	Asuka's eyes opened just enough to see that she was supposed to be
still asleep.  They promptly closed again, and she covered her head with
the blanket.
	Finally, growling, she sat up.  Why hadn't someone answered the
damn phone already?  Didn't they realize she needed her freaking
sleep?  If she didn't get her requisite eight hours, she was a real bitch
for the rest of the day.
	As annoyed as her tired body could get, she got out of bed and
marched out of her room.  "WHAT?" she said into the phone.
	/"Asuka, is Shinji there?"/
	"How should I know?  I _was_ asleep, thank you very much,
_Misato_."
	/"Asuka, go check."/
	The girl snorted.  "Shinji's a big boy.  He can look after
himself.  I don't need--"
	/"I said to go and check on him."/
	Realizing Misato was in one of her rare serious moods, Asuka
cursed quietly in German before setting the phone down and going to
Shinji's room.  Not bothering to knock first, she opened the door and
looked in.  The bed was empty.
	Odd.  Asuka was about to head back to the phone when she noted the
closed bathroom door that she had missed originally.  In fact...  Yes, the
hiss of the shower.
	Midnight showers.  Typical for a weird little boy like Shinji.
	"He's in the shower, Misato."
	/"He is?  I'll be right home."/
	"But wha--  What the hell is wrong with these people?" Asuka asked
as she put the phone down and made her way back to her room.

	The water was far too hot, but he could barely feel it.  His eyes
wouldn't look away from the blood swirling down the drain, washing away
from him.  The blood that was on him, that had been Dr. Akagi's...
	He gagged at the thought, but his stomach would not release all
that he had ingested, no matter how much he wanted to.  Shinji moaned and
leaned his head back against the tile, spots flashing against the inside
of his eyelids.
	It was a dream.  It had to be, because he couldn't believe what
had happened, what he had done.  A hallucination maybe.  It wasn't
blood; it was just his imagination.  Too much time in LCL, and now...
	Now he had killed someone.
	He covered his eyes with one shaking hand.  "Oh God," he pleaded
to whomever might listen.  Tears rolled down his cheeks and were washed
away down the drain.
	Just like that night, there were two halves of him.  One was more
scared than he had ever been and wanted to hide forever, while the
other...  The other was calm and collected, satiated by the violent act he
had committed.  It had simply been waiting for the moment.
	The moment... the chance...  The chance to... fill that empty
place inside.
	Sobs wracked his body as Shinji tore off his blood-stained
clothing and the bandage on his neck.  With his hands now shaking
violently, he tried to scrub himself clean of what he had done.

	Misato burst through the door.  "Shinji!"  When silence answered,
she charged down the hall.  "Shinji!  Asuka!" she nearly yelled.
	"I'm trying to get some sleep here!" Asuka snapped as she poked
her head out of her door.  "What's wrong with you people?"
	"Where's Shinji?"
	"How should I know?  I've been sleeping!" Asuka nearly screeched.  
"It's what people in Germany do at night."
	"Asuka, shut up.  This is important," Misato hissed as she eyed
the bathroom.  "Shinji, are you in there?" she asked as she knocked on the
door.
	Again, silence.  There was far too much silence in the apartment
even if it was the middle of the night.  Misato slid the door open and
looked inside.  "Damn it."
	Her phone was out and at her ear immediately.  "He was here, but
it looks like he left."
	Asuka watched the look of anger and frustration on Misato's face
as she spoke on the phone.  This wasn't simply about Shinji or even
Shinji's accident.
	"I don't know.  Rei, maybe.  Send security over there; I'm on my
way now."  Misato shoved the phone back into her pocket and hurried for the
door.
	"Misato?" Asuka called out.  "What's going on?"
	With the door half open, Misato closed her eyes.  "We think Shinji
killed Ritsuko."  That painful reality finally spoken aloud solidified the
actuality of the situation for Misato.  "Be careful, Asuka," she warned,
and then left.
	"He killed..."  Asuka went to the bathroom to see what Misato had
found.  Inside, there was a heap of soaking wet clothing.  The water
around it was tinted pink with what was no doubt blood.

***

	"Rei."
	Rei's eyes opened as if she hadn't been sleeping at all.  She sat
up and looked at the intruder.  "Ikari."
	"Rei, you... you have to help me."
	She could see his pale form huddled in the corner of the room.  He
appeared to be shivering.
	"You have to help me.  I... I...  Dr. Akagi..."  Sounds of weeping
commenced.
	Rei simply sat on her bed and looked at him.  He was distressed,
but in an unusual way.  This was not how he normally was upset.  "How?"
	"I don't know.  I don't know what's going on.  She was just... 
there, and I... I attacked her."  He moved from the corner and approached
the bed.  "I don't know what to do.  I'm--"
	"Blood."  The thick, copperish scent reached her nose.  It was
coming from him.
	"I didn't want to!" he shouted suddenly.
	He was on the bed, on his knees, begging her.  The smell of blood
was almost overpowering.
	"I didn't mean to kill her!  I couldn't help myself!  It just
happened..."  Shinji lowered his eyes for a moment, then lifted them
again, this time alit by hope.  "Maybe she's okay, maybe I didn't kill
her!"
	He took Rei by the shoulders.  "Help me, Rei.  Tell them I didn't
mean to.  They'll listen to you.  Tell them I'm innocent."
	"I do not believe you are."
	Shinji pulled away as if slapped.  "You... you..."
	Rei, unmindful of her nudity, got out of her bed and went for the
phone.
	"What are you doing?" Shinji, with desperation clear in his voice,
asked.
	"Calling NERV."
	"You can't do this to me!  I need your help!  You... you wouldn't
turn me in, would you?"
	Rei looked at him evenly and said, "You are not the Ikari I know," 
before dialing the phone.
	With a howl of possibly pain and betrayal, Shinji grabbed the
phone from her and threw it to the floor, smashing it.  His hands closed
on her throat and squeezed while her dispassionate red eyes looked into
his.
	"How could you?" he asked feebly, and a tear slid down his cheek.
	Rei had no answer as her air supply was cut off.  She succumbed
finally, and slumped in his grip.
	Releasing the unconscious girl, his eyes darting back and forth to
find perceived danger, Shinji forced the tears back.  It was too late for
that, too late to be sorry for what he had done.
	He had killed Dr. Akagi, and he had...  Not only had he found
enjoyment in it, in the power he had felt in the act, but her blood had
eased the ache within him.
	And now, with Rei, he was sorry for doing it, but it was
necessary.  He couldn't have her calling NERV and turning him in, though
he didn't feel compelled to...
	He warred internally.  He had just choked Rei and enjoyed it.  He
needed to go back to NERV, where he could just run and hide inside his own
mind.  Yet, to give up the power and freedom he felt when he wasn't being
a pathetic, feeble fool was unacceptable.  There was no way to reconcile
these two things.
	So, Shinji decided, if that part wanted to run away and hide
within itself, it was welcome to.  That just meant the other, stronger
part, the part that he had always wanted to express, the person he had
always wanted to be, was free.
	Even at the cost of Rei, it was a small price.  She was, after
all, replaceable.  She had always said so.

***

	Misato arrived to find security waiting there with an as always
impassive Rei.
	"He was here.  She confirmed it," one the agents said, gesturing
to Rei.
	"What happened, Rei?"
	Rei, sporting bruises on her neck, and a blanket draped around her
shoulders, didn't speak.
	Misato sighed.  "I think I can guess anyway.  He didn't happen to
say where he was headed, did he?"
	"No."
	"Do you want some security to stay here?"
	"No."
	Misato nodded to her, then gestured to the men.  "Let's go.  
There's nothing else here to do."
	They all filed out, leaving Rei alone.

***

	Asuka was in an unhappy mood.  With all the interruptions, she was
wide awake and unable to get back to sleep.  Not that she thought it would
have been all that restful anyway after what Misato had said.
	How could that idiot Shinji do that?  He could barely even kill an
angel, let alone another person.  There was something very weird with
Shinji, and she suspected it had to do with the accident that no one
seemed to have any details about.
	Staring blankly at the TV, thoughts running through her brain all
in German, Asuka pondered.

	"We wait.  Running out there with no idea where he might have gone
is pointless.  Alert the police to be on the look out for Shinji, and to
report anything out of the ordinary immediately to us.  It's all we can
do."
	Maya nodded with a hard glint in her eyes.  "Yes, ma'am."

***

	A soft knock on the door roused Asuka from the strange half-sleep
she had been in.  Grumbling, she rose and answered it.  "What do you want,
Wondergirl?"
	"To speak to you about Ikari."
	Asuka studied her face for a moment, discovering nothing new about
the girl, then noted the marks on her neck.  "Who did that?" she asked
calmly, though definitely did not feel that way.
	"Ikari."
	The Second Child stepped aside and let the other girl enter the
apartment.  "He did that to you?"  A cold ball was settling in her
stomach, and she knew faintly that it was probably the onset of shock.
	"Yes."  Rei looked at her for a moment before speaking again.  "He
confessed to killing Dr. Akagi."
	"Oh."  Asuka moved over to the couch and sat down slowly.  She had
no idea what to say or even think about Shinji.
	"We must find him."
	"Why?  So he can finish what he started on you?  I'm not going
anywhere, Wondergirl.  Stupid Shinji can just... just..."  He could just
stay away from her, that's what.  He was obviously dangerous, probably
crazy.  Asuka shook her head.  "No, I'm staying here."
	"He needs help."
	Asuka turned on the pale girl.  "Yeah, he does!  But he's not
getting any help from me!  Not after he went and... and...  He needs help
from a doctor, not from me!"
	"You are overly emotional."
	"Well no kidding!  Shinji _killed_ someone, Rei!  He was here, and
he could have killed me too!  He almost killed you!  Are you not
understanding the situation?"  Asuka's voice was at its maximum volume
then.
	"This is why we must find him."
	"No."  Asuka looked into Rei's eyes and tried to put all her
feelings into words the emotionless girl would understand.  "No," she
repeated, though her voice was not as firm as it had been.  "I won't.
I..."  Her eyes blinked rapidly and she looked away from her visitor.  She
didn't want to do this, but... it was getting harder to stop it.  "I'm...
afraid."
	"Ikari is too."
	"I don't care!" the red-head raged, tears on her cheeks.  "That's
not my problem now!  He did something... stupid, and now he has to pay the
price for it.  That's the way things work!"
	Rei stood and extended her hand.  "He needs our help.  He would do
the same for you."
	Asuka sniffled and wiped her nose.  "Bitch."  She took Rei's hand
and rose from the couch.

***

	There was no way Misato was going to explain this to the
commander.  He would just have to read the reports and draw his own
conclusions.  With the way she felt, she'd probably snap and do something
unwise.
	Not that she wouldn't enjoy it.
	As before, the sobering thoughts about Ritsuko came back and
crushed whatever lightness had managed to work its way into her thoughts.
What would happen without her?  Certainly Maya couldn't take over, and who
else knew as much about the EVAs and MAGI?
	The more she thought about it, the worse things got, so for the
time being, Misato deigned not to think about it.  Instead, she stared
blankly at the main screen and sipped a cup of coffee.
	"Major, a report's coming in!"
	She was immediately at attention.  "Where?"

	"How will we find him?  I have no idea where he would have gone.
Do you?"
	"No."
	Asuka shook her head as she followed Rei.  "So where the hell are
we going then?"
	"I do not know."
	With a short bark of laughter, Asuka held up.  "So... we're just
going someplace to find Shinji, who killed someone, and then we're going
to comfort him when we miraculously find him?  Great, I must have been out
of my mind when I agreed to this."
	Again, Rei had too few answers for her.
	"Wondergirl, I..."  How to describe how she felt?  More than
anything, she felt like...  "If something happens to me, I'm holding you
responsible!"

***

	The large coat covered him, and that was all he needed.  He just
wanted to hide and not smell the blood any longer, but it followed him.  
Everywhere, on everything, he could smell it, and it made him... made him
_do_ things he didn't want to.
	Not true.
	He hadn't wanted to kill that Dr. Akagi, but something had
overcome him and made him powerless to stop himself.
	Not true.
	Why would he ever want to kill Rei?  But she had... provoked him
and then he had...  But he hadn't wanted to.
	Not true.
	And the man he had taken the coat from...  He didn't deserve to be
left bleeding in the street.  He probably had a wife and kids, but that
hadn't made a difference to Shinji.  But he didn't want to kill anyone.
	Not true.
	"It is true!" he screamed into the night, his voice echoing off
the concrete of the bridge above him.  Not for the first time, he wished
he had the courage to end his miserable life a long time ago.  A lot of
pain and misery could have been spared if he had.
	Now it was too late.  Even if he really wanted to, he knew he
couldn't.  Self-preservation was too strong in him; his instincts
wouldn't allow him to die.
	If only... if only...  There were no more ifs.  He had been
rejected completely by everything that ever meant anything to him in his
life.  Even Unit-01 and Rei had pushed him away.  So he had nothing left
except himself.
	Wiping his eyes on the baggy sleeve of the coat, finding there
were no tears left, he curled into as small a ball he could, and waited.

	"I heard that."  Asuka looked around.  "I don't know where it came
from though."
	"This way."
	"How do you..."  Asuka shrugged, then followed Rei.  "It would be
just perfect if an angel decided to show up now," she mumbled as they
walked as quickly as the darkness would allow them.  "You sure you know
where you're going?"
	"Yes."
	"Of course.  Why would I ever doubt Wondergirl?  She knows right
where we're going in the middle of the night."  Asuka continued to mumble
as she followed Rei.  She didn't like it at all, just walking along like
there was nothing wrong.
	There was a very big problem, and it was one she didn't want to be
involved in, but she found she couldn't help herself.  Damn that Shinji...

	"Here."
	Shinji sat up and looked to where the voice had come from.  He'd
try to shrink back further into the coat and darkness, to stay away from
them.  Something bad could happen to them too, and really, he didn't want
to hurt them.
	Not true.
	Clutching his head in his hands, Shinji let loose a moan.  If he
didn't fight it, then he _would_ hurt them.  "Go away!"
	"Ikari."
	"Shinji?"
	"If you don't go, I might hurt you.  Just leave!"  That thudding
returned with its horrible insistency.  Asuka... Rei...  It didn't need to
be both.  One would suffice.
	Shinji clamped his hands over his ears in an effort to shut out
the thudding, the voice that told him what to do, the sounds of the two
girls...
	"Ikari..."
	"We... want to help, Shinji."
	The simple touch on his shoulder loosed whatever he had been
holding back.  With a savage snarl, he turned and grabbed the hand,
yanking the girl toward himself.  Mouth gaping, teeth bared, he lunged at
her neck.

	"Fan out, let's look in this square mile.  I don't think we'll
find much, but..."
	"We have to try, Major."
	Misato looked at the agent, who appeared quite determined, and
nodded.  "We have to try."

	"Shin... ji..."
	He could taste it, even through her skin.  All he had to do was
bite down, and for a time, the need within him would be extinguished.  
Just bite, and give her release from all her pain and torment.  All it
would take was one little...
	His teeth dug into Asuka's flesh without piercing it.  Her hands
trying to pull his arms away were of a little consequence; she could not
hurt him like that.  No one could hurt him any longer, just like he had
always wanted...
	"Ikari, don't."
	Asuka let out a little gurgle from the pressure on her neck and
throat.
	And Rei.  He could release her from her pain too.  They could both
know what it was like to not be hurt anymore, to be free from his anger
and fear and pain and abuse and loneliness...
	With a strangled cry, Shinji flung Asuka away like a doll.  "I
told you not to do that!" he yelled, his voice hoarse.  "I told you I
didn't want to hurt you!  I just want...  I want..."  Hiding his face in
his hands, he dissolved into sobs.
	Asuka coughed, her hand on her neck.  "Shinji, why?  How?" she
asked.
	"We want to help," Rei said simply, standing back, but never
looking away.
	"You can't help.  No one can.  I just want...  It's all my fault."
Shinji took a great shuddering breath.  "I can't stay here or I'll hurt
more people, and maybe next time, it'll be Misato, or Toji.  I don't want
to hurt anyone.  Really."
	He looked up, his eyes hidden in darkness, but still red.  "I
don't want to hurt anyone.  I never did.  Really.  Please believe me."
	"Wha--"  Asuka coughed again.  "What can we do though?" she asked
Rei as much as Shinji.
	"There's nothing you can do.  Just... go.  I'll... I'll leave the
city, Japan.  I can't stay here."
	"You can't leave!  What about the angels?" Asuka asked, getting to
her feet.
	"Unit-01 rejected me.  I can't pilot.  I can't fight angels any
longer.  I'm useless."  Instead of the heaviness he had expected to feel
from the admission of rejection, he felt weight lifted from his shoulders.
Unit-01's rejection meant one less responsibility, even if he couldn't...
	"I can't protect you any longer.  I don't know if you can stop the
angels now," he said simply, looking between the two.  "I don't know if
only two of you will be enough."
	Asuka's eyes narrowed.  "If you're going to run away, we can get
along fine without Shinji the hero.  We don't n--"
	"Freeze!  All three of you!"
	The heads of all three children turned to face the voice and
sudden bright light on them.
	"Step away from the Third Child," the faceless voice commanded.
	Asuka and Rei stood still, just looking in that direction.
	"I said move, you two!"
	"Hold it.  Asuka, Rei, step away from Shinji."
	Asuka's face nearly lit up.  "Misato?  Tell Shinji that--"
	"Step away, Asuka.  Now.  This isn't a time for games," Misato
ordered, adding her light to the first and training it on Shinji.
	The boy cringed away from the glare, covering his face partially
with the coat.  He didn't want them to see him with evidence of what he
had done on his face.  There would be no way to convince them of his
innocence if they saw it.
	Asuka complied to Misato's command and took two steps back, but
Rei remained in place.
	"Ikari needs help," she stated.
	"We know, Rei.  We want to help him, but your safety is important,
so just step away from him," Misato answered firmly.
	"There is no need for weapons."
	Misato shook her head.  "I think there is, Rei.  There are two
people dead because of him.  I won't see more."
	Shinji started to stand.
	"Slowly, Shinji," Misato said, and the sound of her drawing her
gun could be heard.
	He did as she requested, and faced the lights.  "I didn't want
to," he explained, his arms outstretched to the sides.  "I just had to..."
With that said, he moved, faster than either Misato or the agent could
follow, and grabbed Rei.
	"I'm sorry.  Asuka, Misato...  I'm sorry, Rei," he said as he
backed away, holding tightly on to Rei.  "Just let me go and I won't be
back so I don't hurt anyone."
	He continued to move back and was pleased to see they didn't try
to follow.  "I really am sorry, Rei."
	"I know."
	Shoving her forward, he took off into the night, moving as fast as
he could.  Their voices could be heard trying to chase him, but only for a
few moments until he was too far ahead of them.  They would never find
him; that he would be sure of.
	Shinji was dead to them.  He was dead to himself.

***  ***  ***

	He hadn't left Japan.  It had been his home since he was born, and
leaving just felt wrong to him.
	So even though, on that fateful day, he had been sleeping in a
long abandoned building, the explosion had been enough to rouse him.
	Keeping out of the stray rays of sunlight, he looked out the
window and watched it all happen.  In truth, Shinji was actually happy to
see the day had finally arrived.
	Once again, he would be reunited with all his friends and people
he knew.  No longer would he have to stay hidden from the world, creeping
along in the dark and killing--as little as possible--to survive.
	His absolution for something he had never quite wanted was at
hand.
	Whether it was the doing of an angel, that of SEELE, or his
father, it didn't matter to him.  It was time that Shinji could rest once
and for all.
	He closed his eyes and waited for Third Impact.

[-- END --]


[-- EPILOGUE --]

	The land was silent except for the familiar sounds of nature.  It
was something he had learned to deal with, but certainly not enjoy or
appreciate.
	Over twenty years of wandering as his strength dwindled had killed
any appreciation he had held for the paradise Earth had returned to.
	Sometimes he saw others like himself, empty inside, raped of their
souls and left to die slowly on a lonely planet, but he never tried to
contact them.
	Loneliness was his chosen punishment, though eventually he had
been able to find some comfort in it.  It helped him to forget about the
hunger, and how weak he felt.  Each day, he could gratefully not think
about how much weaker he grew.
	And that was the reason for his wandering.  His last trip to
NERV...  He had gone there after Third Impact had left him even more alone
and confused, not reunited, to find the place empty except for the 
Evangelions, which looked even more pitiful than he.
	Unit-01 had seemed so... sad, enough to make him cry bitter tears
into the LCL.
	So he was going back to waste his final days away in front of the
giant purple thing he had claimed to hate so much.  It was the only thing
he knew any longer, the only "face" firm in his mind.

	Walking down the silent halls, all the way down to Unit-01's cage,
he greeted silently the ones left behind before Third Impact.  He could
almost feel them, though why they weren't with the others, he couldn't
know.
	All he knew, as he opened the final doors and nodded firmly at
Unit-01, was that he would spend his final days in the shadow of his
eternal guardian.
	Maybe, together, they would be the final pitiful legacies of
mankind.
	Shinji sighed as he slumped against the metal.  He closed his eyes
and leaned his chin on his chest.
	If they were lucky, there wouldn't be anyone else to see.  There
wouldn't be the repeat of all their mistakes.  And if he was lucky, he
would at least get to dream in his final sleep of a world that was better
than the one he found himself at the end of.

------
lara@emunix.emich.edu
http://www.thekeep.org/~lara/index.html

http://www.active.net.au/~disaster/