From: "Misato Katsuragi" Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Rain This is my first approached to write an Evangelion oneshot Fanfiction^^ Please, forgive me and my big friend Fabychan for some english error. I hope you like my Fanfiction^^ Please, send your comment, critique, and anything else to sailormnemosyne@tin.it ^^ Rina-chan -- Rain (Pioggia) English Version by Faby-chan Rei Ayanami's Feeling "A new day has started. I'm still in my bed. It'so strange that there isn't the sun outside.I don't know whay I have woken up without the light of the sun .I don't know what time is it,but something says to me that we are already in the morning So, slowly, I stand up and I go barefoot to the window It' s a rainy day out there. The rain. What's the rain, Water which is falling down ,from the sky Water which makes everything become the same gray.Human beings hate rain.It's enough for me to look at them searching for some shelter, when the sky starts to send us the rain It's a weird behaviour.Why do you have to escape, if water is falling down from the sky Water is a pleasant feeling. It's my only diversion, An intense rain is falling upon Neo Tokyo 3, there are a few persons in the street, and they are running away,meanwhile the other ones with their umbrellas, don't care at all, and go their own way,as if nothing were the matter..They are calm..they are avoiding the rain, covered by their umbrellas.The rain....I found myself in it An atmospheric event, which persons are afraid of. Just like me. "Nobody like the rain, here in Tokyo 3,except the farmers who use it in order to irrigate their fields ." First feared and secluded,then exploited It's the same with me,i'm just like the rain.Everybody avoids me,anyone is scared of me, just like the rain but then they use me for piloting their Evas .But the rain, besides irrigating fields It has got nothing more Just like me.Besides piloting the evas,.I have got nothing more.Who knows who knows if rain also hides as many secrets as I hide inside of me, big, too big secrets,much bigger than me .I....what can I do? For the rain, irrigating the fields is the only way to be useful to the other ones. The same for me. Piloting the evas, is the only thing I can do for the other persons." It'd be better for me getting ready for the school.The school.The only place where I can stay with the other classmates. Many people are sad, thinking about the school.many people are happy. I don't mind.History, Geography, japanese, Maths, it all doesn't matter, i'm not going to school even for chattering with my classmates. I have never done.I have never chattered with anyone, as my classmates do at school,like my classmates do at school.My marks. I'm not that bad at school. I was told to study,I do it. I can't complain about my marks, but I don't care about it.Why do i keep on attending school,if it doesn't matter to me.I was told by Commander Ikari.I don't know why.I don't know why.I don't feel any affection for him.Neither for myself.But I feel that to obey his orders is the right thing to do.How silly ,I'm so silly.Even if I felt any affection for somebody, I'd never,never realize it. i dont' know what is affection, what is love,or friendship.I have never known the meaning of the words which signify those feelings.No one showed me this, till now.So, I ignore these feelings.But I know the hate.The wickedness, the loniliness.The lonileness...who ..who , better than me, could know the meaning of this feeling?.I have always been alone.I'm always alone.Any moment in my life.I do anything, all alone.I'm self-sufficient...I guess.The hate and the wickedness. I know these feelings.Asuka Asuka showed me them.Asuka hates me.Did I make anything , because of which she hates me?" I wondered how . It doesn't matter, anymore.Many persons hate me.Even if they didn't confess it frankly ,as Asuka did.I know. Ikari.What did Ikari teach me?What did he show me?..I've not yet succeeded in understanding. I can't understand the sensation I feel, whenever I'm with him.. have never felt it.Neither I'm able to explain it.It's not sadness, it's not happyness,neither indifference. I ignore many things, yet.Elementary things , for the other ones I'm ready to leave.I wear my school-uniform. I'm coming near to the entrance.I see, there's an umbrella near to the entrance.I stare it,with attention.I reflect upon. But I won't take it.I can't avoid myself. I can't run away from myself. The rain is with me.Then, if I avoided the rain, it would be as if I escaped myself."I can't avoid myself", I said to my self, while I was shutting the door. I'm coming downstairs, slowly.I hold the school-bag in my hand.I arrive at the landing.I stop. I take a deep breath,and I go out, covering the same road I usually cover every morning to go to school. The streets are desert.There are no men walking,everyone has got a car. There is an intense traffic.A thick rain is falling upon me.A cold rain. It wets my face, my dress, my hair.It's just like me. Cold. Or at least, it's the way the other ones look at me.A cold and tiresome person.To be wetted by the rain is tiresome for living beings. Even coming next to me is tiresome. I'm tiresome for the other people. Even if I guess there is nothing in my behaviour to be considered annoying. The rain keeps on wetting me , while I'm going forward on my road.It doesn't matter for me.The water is a pleasant sensation.The rain is exactly like me.I don't have to avoid it. Or I'll avoid myself. I arrived at school.Many cars are parked provisionally in front of the school's gate.Many pupils,my classmates too,get off their parents' cars, and direct their steps to school's entrance, running. They run to be wetted the less the better by the rain water.The more I stare how persons react to the rain, the more I meet myself in it, unbelievably. The persons around me , behave the same way with me as well, when they have something to say to me.They usually come near with fear, they usually say quickly what they have to say ,trying to look for those words which shorten as more as possible the sentence,and then leave me again. Almost escaping.I also enter to school .On the floor it's all wet, by the guys' wet shoes.Someone put a notice inside the school, warning the floor is slippery.I don't care it.I go upstairs to the second floor of the school.Where is my class.I enter to the classroom,there are few students,about eight or nine.The head of a form has not arrived yet, neither the substitute is present.Neither Ikari is here. I go and sit down on my desk, in the last row.My classmates are dry, unlike me.I'm all wet.But who wetted me? .. my self. I met myself.My classmates instead, avoiding me, remained dry. With my arrival , they remained indifferent, as if nothing had happened. Actualy, I'm important neither to myself.Just think for the other ones. Little by little, other classmates of mine start entering,someone's totally dry,someone else puts the umbrellas into the umbrella-stand.Someone has only some squirts of rain on the school-uniform, complaining about the weather conditions of the day.I'm also used to listen to persons complaining about me. The head of the form arrives, and then do the substitute, the 02 pilot ,other classmates.But Ikari isn't there..he has not come yet. Probably,Major Katsuragi won't send him to school,cause the rain.I'm sorry to get to know it, nevertheless.I'm used to see other people avoiding me.But, till now,Ikari has always had an uncommon behaviour with me. I did not succeed in understanding whether his behaviour were an unusual way to avoid me,or he didn't want to avoid me, on the contrary, he tried to draw me closer to him.But now, I'm sure.His behaviour was a way like an other,to send me away from him.As I've already said, I'm used to it.But I'm sorry.I'm sorry that Ikari thinks this way as well.I dont' know why it hurts me.But I'm sorry. I have already been through such an unpleasant sensation. In the beginning,I have often felt like that, when I looked at the other persons , avoiding me.Now It doesn't matter to me. Suddenly,however:here he is!!Ikari is in front of the door of my classroom. I'm surprised a lot to see him arrive, but I wonder even more when I notice him, all drenched by the rain,just like me. I'm astonished something shocking,I keep on looking at him,I spy furtively all of his movements.He's smiling at all the guys,especially at Aida and Suzuhara,who are joking wiht him, as a rule.Ikari is all wet... why??Why did he get wet.Why didn't he take the umbrella, like the other guys did??Why didn't Major Katsuragi make him stay at home. My mind is filled with million thoughts like this,but I can't find a good answer for none of them.Ikari realizes I'm looking at him,and he keeps on looking at me too,gazing and smiling at me.I remove my gaze,I feel embarassed,in front of one of Ikari's smiles.I keep on wondering why he has not tried to avoid the rain too. By now, the class is almost full up, though many pupils are absent. Suddenly History's teacher enters,it's him, that old man,with hearing's problems; my classmates often have a good time chattering among themselves, taking advantange. The lesson is not interesting for me,as a rule. I stay by the window, looking out.Is still raining.I like staring at the rain, that's interesting for me, because auctually I'm looking at myself,but it's weird,I find that I'm not interesting,then why am I interested in looking at the rain? My hair is still wet, just like my dress. Some little drops of rain are dripping slowly from some locks of my hair, falling down on my desk. The teacher's voice,the ticking of the rain on the glasses,the noise of the chalk on the blackboard, the numerous beep of my classmates' notebooks, they are used to send messages ,to each other. All at once, this makes me sleepy, my eyes are closing by themselves, I feel an unusual physical weakness in my muscles, like after an exhausting day. "Ayanami!" My teacher's voice recalls my attention,makes me wake up from my thoughts and sensations,and ,springing up, I'm standing up,as if I were taken unaweres. "Yes, teacher.." "try to pay attention!I'm explaining for you too.",the teacher answers in an imperious tone. My classmates looked at me, in silence.Here it is. That's the only way I have to capture the others' attention, no matter whether it is good or bad. "I'm sorry", I answer, with a curtsey of desolation. "Sit down". "Yes,Sir", I answer , sitting down again. The teacher carried on explaining his lesson , resuming at the point where he had left. In order to avoid another reproach, I decided to pay attention to what he was explaining, but I couldn't concentrate on it, my mind was confused. Pheraphs, all this thinking about the rain has worn me out. What has happened to me, this morning...? why have I concentrated on myself and the rain? I don't understand. The teacher was explaining something about ancient China, but I couldn't concentrate on it. Yet it had to be a very interesting lesson. Even Aida and Suzuhara, who are usually disinterested in any lesson, unless it is one of Miss Ayukawa's lessons, we know it, they'd do everything in order to make a good impression on Miss Ayukawa. A good impression....to introduce oneself pleasantly in the eyes of someone or something. This is not treated enough on my books about human Psyche. Rain is not important.As well as I'm not . I have to stop thinking about all this. I feel my head bursting into flames, I wonder why, I have got a strange sensation.I never felt it before this time. Without me noticing it, hours drag by. To every ring of the bell which announced the end of the lesson,Mr.Hiroaki was informing the pupils that, today, as all the teachers of the other subjects were absent, he'd replace them, taking advantage of it, and keeping on explaining history. And, going on ,following history rhythm,the last bell rang too.Outside it was keeping on raining intensely, more than this morning.The pupils went out of the class-room, clamouring, while the head of the form was trying to keep order during the exit from school, to no avail. My hair was wet, though my dress was dry. I still kept my seat on my desk, even after that my classmates had gone away .Weirdly,it doesn't come spontaneous to me, standing up as all my classmates did. I feel my body tired, I rest my head on the desk and close my eyes . There's silence in the class-room.There's no one left. The only noises I'm able to perceive are my heart-beats, I don't know why , they are stronger than usual, I feel they are fast and heavy, as if I had been running. "Ayanami!..what are you doing?" The head of the form suddenly screams, on the doorsteeps of the class-room. I open my eyes, slowly, and lift my head,"Horaki..."I whisper, looking at the class rep in the face. "Why are you still in the class-room ?Are you waiting for somebody?",the girl went on, standing still on the doorstep. I shake my head"No", and stand up, even if unwillingly. Hikari Horaki shrugged her shoulders, with a gesture of disagreement, and left. Just like the rain. The persons who are obliged to go outdoor, even if only for a second, cover the road, running towards the shelter, the same with me:people who are forced to speak to me, even if only for a second, use to say what they have to say quickly , and go away. I lead my steps to the door, my eyes are heavy. All these hours of history made me sleepy, and still an interesting lesson,although I haven't paid the even least attention,I listened to my classmates' remarks about the lesson. I go downstairs slowly, while I'm going down , I feel tired, wath's happening to me? I'm hot, I sweat, but as soon as I lean my hand in the irony handrail of the stairs, I shiver with cold; I can't explain this sensation. I have never felt like this before, but it's not a pleasant thing. I go out of the school, there are the pupils around, walking with the umbrella, while,in a big amount, some others get into several friends' and relatives' cars, many give a lift to each other. There's only me standing here. Still, underneath the rain , underneath myself.. rain started wetting me again, I slowly go down the steps of the entrance of the school too, and lead my steps to the gate. I walk alone down,it's all like this morning, there is no one around, except very few walkers, running covered by hoods and umbrellas. On the other hand, there are a lot of cars which formed an interminable queue, the horns are sounding,the cars are going on slowly,it doesn't matter to me, I keep on my way, I lead my steps home, as soon as I arrive home, I'll go to bed,I feel my body more tired than ever,I have never felt myself this way.I keep on perceiving my earth beat fast, even if I'm not strained.I have done nothing to be like this. Rain is seeping through my dress again,and I shiver even more.All at once, I stop and raise my eyes to the sky,smiling slightly. Perhaps I've understood what's happened to me.Rain is trying to make me become one with itself.It's trying to make me dissolve together with it.Too similar.I'm too similar to the rain.So similar that te rain has mistaken me for a part of itself, and now it's steeping me.After all,it doesn't bother me.This is my destiny.Keeping my face turned towards the grey sky,I need to close my eyes, what a weird sensation!As a rule, when I take a shower, I like feeling the squirts of the water on my face, but it has never made me feel like this.When the drops of rain glide on my face slowly, shivers ran along my body.I go on keeping my eyes closed.I can't explain this sensation.I don't know whether it's a good or a bad thing.But here I'am , by now, and it doesn't matter.Rain has overwhelmed me, I feel my legs unable to hold my body's weight.I feel nothing more, I feel no noise,except my thoughts roaring in my mind. My knees are at the very end, and then I let my self to everything, I forsake everything,falling forward.I'm already prepared to the impact of my body against the asphalt of the road.But, suddenly,I feel a firm grasp catching my waist,even before that my knees touched the asphalt.I have no strenght to open my eyes, but I can hear a familiar voice calling my surname. "Ayanami!!!!" It's a male voice, whose voice is this?Perhaps am I imagining it? "Ayanami!!!" I hear that voice again, I recognize it.It's Ikari's voice. I perceive Ikari's touch on my skin.I have no strenght to make a movement,I feel too heavy.I feel the weight of myself oppressing me. I will never succeed in sorting everything out by myself.I can't manage to keep everything inside me.Ikari is helping me stand up, nevertheless,I succeed in leaning the weight of my body upon my legs. And I lean my head on his shoulder. "Ayanami!Are you alright?" Always keeping my eyes closed,I succeed in whispering:"Ikari.." I have been perceiving the gentle touche of Ikari's hand on my forehead,for some seconds.It's so beautiful, Ikari. Your hand is so fresh.. "But you have a fever..", the boy is murmuring,taking his hand away from my forehead, slowly. I can't hear the last words Ikari said. However, it's too late by now, Ikari. Rain is absorbing me.I feel as if i were leaving my body.The last thing I'm able to feel is one of Ikari's hands, holding me up from my shoulders, while the other one was lifting my torpid legs. Afterwards, I percieve nothing more.I guess I've become one with the rain.Ikari..how could it be that you were standing behind me?Why haven't you shelter from the rain, today?..why have you helped the rain?..why have you held me up?I don't understand what's happened now?I can't perceive my body, any more.I can recognize myself, nowhere.But I keep on feeling my thoughts..who knows?..perhaps even the rain 's able to think, even the rain has got feelings as well as me,I'm sorry I have become rain. Now, I won't be able to unveal my secrets with anyone,I won't be able to say to anyone that I'm a clone, I won't be able to say to anyone that I could never have children , I wont' be able to say to anyone that I love you, Ikari. I don't know how much time has passed,I don't even know where I am, what has happened,what's occurred to me. But I perceive a very sweet sensation.A pleasant sensation.Much more than water.Much more than Commander Ikari.I know neither what it is, nor where it comes from,but I still perceive my body,I still feel my head burst into flames ,all at once, on my forehead I can feel again the same gentle touch as before, which is moving my hair away from the fringe,and then touches my forehead again,tenderly. I feel calm, quiet,..I like this sensation, it shows I have not become rain, I don't even feel the drops of rain ,falling ceaselessly upon me.I feel dry, as if the rain has realized that it made a mistake ..who knows what is the thing that made the rain become aware that the two of us are not totally the same, who knows what is the thing which makes us different...perhaps the physical form?..perhaps the fact that it's not a clone?..or that it can have children, while I cannot.. I open my eyes again , slowly, at first sight I can't completely focus what's around me. But ,soon afterwards,the image clears up,and I can see well where I am.I'm laying down on one bed, I'm in a small light-pink room, which isn't my home, I 've never seen this room before.On the wall there are two pictures,and the room is furnished with white furniture. "Ayanami!..." I can hear the same voice as before ,from the other side, I turn to look ,and I can see Ikari smiling in front of me. "Ikari", I say, giving the boy a surprised look. The boy comes near to me and kisses me on the cheek,sweetly.No one has ever made such a thing with me.I feel my cheeks blush.But perhaps they are already red ,who knows what's the reason why ?So I don't have to worry about it. "You're awokened.You have given me a big fright a short time ago.", the boy says smiling. "Has Ikari got scared?... wath was he fearing ?..has he got scared of the rain? "Why?",I ask with a drowsy air. "You were about to faint in the middle of the road,you have a fever, I guess",the boy answered "Fever..I have never had a fever. I have read something about it, in a Medicine book .why on earth has Ikari ran along the same road as I have .Major Katsuragi lives in the other side of the town,why has Ikari ran along my road? What does it mean? I keep on looking at Ikari, but I do think that Ikari is wrong,that fever has been only an alternative invented by the rain,why on earth?What has not the rain taken me with her? "then the rain has not absorbed me", I said sighing. My sigh was both a sigh of relief and regret. If I were rain as well,I wouldn't mind finding out my real nature,but instead I would mind not being able to tell Shinji what I thought Ikari was looking at me, he was smiling; all at once he said, in a weird,self-confident tone:"How could you be absorbed by rain, since you are completely unlike it?" At this words, I give Ikari's face a surprised look.Slowly I sit down on the bed, where I was lying.I'm not ill, apart from my mind burning.But now,the most important thing for me to know is what Ikari has to say to me. "Why hasn't rain absorbed me, then?"I ask curious, searching for an answer. "because you are very unlike it" "In what?", I answer back quickly,with a drowsy air. "try to peer into your heart, attentively...I'm sure that you already know the answer.." the boy answers ,while is looking at me with sweet and understanding eyes. I reflect on Ikari's words. I close my eyes and meditate.So,inexorably, a rapid idea crossesmy mind , and becomes a convintion soon: this is the answer. I've answered the questionwhich I have been wondering about,all this time long.I open my eyes and look at Ikari's face again. Ikari's so beautiful.I'm smiling. "I have understood."I answer,drawing my face near to Ikari, so near that I'd have never deared do it, before.I don't know why I'm doing this unusual action,it comes spontaneous to me. I approach more,keeping my eyes closed.Ikari smiles and nods.He approaches too, and for the first time,I don't know the meaning of what I'm about to do.I let myself get carried away by the instinct, simply.And so I do a gesture whose existence I didn't even know , till now.I kiss him.I and Ikari kiss each other.A long kiss, which lasts a handful of seconds. A wonderful gesture. At the end of it, Ikari and I leave each other simultaneously , with sweetness. Shinji looks me into my eyes, I looked him into his eyes, keeping my arms around Ikari's neck. "Then , have you understood why you are unlike the rain?", the boy asked ,looking at me. I nod "Yes, I have!..the rain has got nothing else, besides irrigating fields..instead I..I have got you!" I say these words, almost with tears in my eyes. I had found out a new sensation, or rather a new feeling, which went over the feelings of hate, loneliness, sadness and indifference that I knew. This was a new one. This was a new feeling for me, and for Ikari too. I don't know what its name is, I only know it's so wonderful. I wonder how such a beautiful feeling could exist in such a strange world. It's almost a celestial feeling. "What's the name of this feeling, Ikari?", I ask curiously. Ikari looks at me , he's smiling. His blue, shy,innocent eyes shine with happiness, you can catch a glimpse of some tears holding back inside of them.Then, with a veil of shyness, answers simply:"its name is Lo..Love, Rei,I guess" Rei.."Ikari is calling me by name, for the very first time. Love. How many times I have listened at people calling this word, without me knowing the meaning of it. May be has this feeling made Shinji be aware of the story of rain? "Rain..how could you know it, Shinji?" Shinji, who had sat down on my bed for the moment of the kiss, stands up again ,and approaches the window,where some drops of water fall down from the gutter of Misato's house. "You see..I have been discussing with rain too,some time ago...I considered myself identical with rain too.But it made me understand that I'm unlike it on a point...because I love you, Rei", the boy answers to me , turning to look at me again,in the distance, and smiling at me. I listen at him attentively, then I smile at him and tell him the biggest secret I secluded in my heart. "I love you too, Shinji..." I 'm brightening ,while I'm saying these words to Ikari.I have never said them before. "We are not rain, we are ourselves,and no other person."Ikari says to me,approaching me again. I nod. Shinji approaches and hugs me , I return the hug lovingly, and while I'm doing it,I'm whispering to myself: "Thank you rain, thanks to you,we have found out the true meaning of the word "love" ". The End ** Autor Notes: A very big thanks to my friend Faby-chan who traslated this fanfiction for me!!;^;_____;^; I'm an Italian girl of 14 years old, and my english isn't so good.;_____;. I can't found any words to tell him how I'm touched!!;^;_____;^; Thank you very much, Faby-chan!;^;______;^ You're the most kind boy in the world!;^;______;^; Rina-chan (or Rei-chan^.^;It's the same^^;) please^^Send me your comments about this FF^^