From: "Kayu-chan" Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Shinji's Thoughts Evangelion spoilers ahead (if you can actually understand it enough to get any spoilers, that is!). You've been told. Set far into but before the end of the series, though. There's no way that I could ever even dare to think that the Evangelion characters are mine. No way! They are not mine! A company called Gainax do have the rights. Be warned this is my first Eva fanfic ever and also my first stream-of-consciousness fic with the thoughts pouring out onto the page as fast as I could type (to give it authenticity, I guess) while only thinking what li'l Shinji might be, um, thinking of. So, if I screw it up... well, at least I gave it a try, right? It's only an experiment in a type of writing I've never done before. Any comments are treasured. :) ~ Kayu-chan ~ k-chan@rocketmail.com ~ 17 March 1999 i mustn't run away i mustn't run away that's what i always say do i mean it? can i run away? can i really? i can't run away from my soul my heart my memories my father always there in my head so cold so cruel hates me doesn't care why should i care about me about him there's nothing to believe in i can't believe in myself mother? mother who was she? only remember fragments of her warm so warm in her arms like a mother is my mother she loved me loved me? who can love me i don't care father doesn't care only cares for rei i care for rei but does she care for me? why should anyone care? nothing to care for i'm nothing can hurt me if i run away but why did i stay? i needed to stay nowhere else to go nowhere to run they would always get me those memories those doubts those dreams those thoughts would never leave me my father's voice would taunt me coward useless nothin i'm nothing to him nothing i tell myself i am i feel hurt afraid i feel mad mad at that angel how dare it hurt asuka she was hurt and screaming asuka never screams not like that but does scream at me for being me she hates me likes me i don't know i don't really know anyone not like i thought i did i'm stupid how could i never know anyone i never let anyone know me couldn't let anyone know me might die might run away never run away no chance too late too far i let people in i let people know me made friends they are good but they don't know me can never really know me not let them not worth it i tried to kill friend toji poor toji father made me made me hurt toji nothing i could do should have stopped father nearly killed toji killed toji how could i? blood everywhere hitting punching mad i'm mad i'm mad at father at me at the angel mad mad bad person am i? all this pain all this anger just won't go away go on a bus escape town escape this anger just so mad mad and it won't go just won't go need to strike need to hit need to hurt like i been hurt so bad and it won't stop go away from me far away and nothing is right all wrong wrong wrong i'm never right never killed toji nearly dead hurt him so much he forgave me how could he forgive me? i killed him killed his life his hopes for the future i have no hopes no dreams i don't know what i want from the future is meaningless for me i am an eva pilot that's all i have all i will have don't care about nothing else care about asuka hate me but i need her need her why do i need her? i don't know i just do asuka is not like misato who says she cares for me yet drinks her life away sits in her room crying now why does she cry? she won't say won't talk shuts me out like i shut out the world so all i can do is lie here and listen to this tape over and over and shut out the crying shut out life forever the tape is nearly over my life's nearly over i know i will d-