From: Lara Bartram http://www.thekeep.org/~lara/index.html {Shin Seiki Evangelion/Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Gainax, Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto. The use of their material in this work is not intended for profit, and shall not be used in that way.} Two Salarymen Get Busy by Lara Bartram ---------------------- Kozo walked down the street toward the doors of Studio MicroNax and saw the most horrible thing in the world. Gendo walking, almost strutting, with Yui holding on to his arm. So that was it. Kozo sighed, then put on a not horrified look and waved to the two. Yui smiled and waved back, while Gendo merely nodded smugly. How someone nodded smugly, Kozo wasn't sure, but Gendo was definitely doing it. "Ready for another day?" he asked conversationally, and could almost feel the waves of ego coming from Gendo. "Oh, absolutely," Gendo answered and gave a lopsided grin. "Time to make some money for the studio." Oh yeah. No man could be that happy unless... With a tired smile, Kozo nodded. "Another day, another dollar." "I hope not! It dropped again," Gendo said in a disgustingly positive way. "It was all over the paper this morning." "You don't get a paper." "But Yui does." Yui looked away and blushed. "Ah." I should kill him, or at least maim him in ways that are banned by the Geneva convention, but Yui... She'd never forgive him, and then she'd certainly not want to go out with him. And he wouldn't give Gendo the satisfaction of even acknowledging that the battle was done. Not when the victory was so fresh. "Come on," Yui said, pulling on Gendo's arm. "We should get inside. I can't be late." Kozo felt physical pain as he watched Yui walk in the studio's door, her soft gray skirt hugging her curves so... temptingly. God, was he actually going to have to stoop to beg Gendo for details? *** "I'll see you at lunch." Yui smiled a little and nodded eagerly. "Okay," she said quietly, blushing at the position they were in. Gendo was standing far too close for them to be in public, and had his hand against the wall, blocking her passage in that direction. "We shouldn't," she whispered before he kissed her. "And here you see two of the studio's employees making out. This is one of the co-creators of Studio MicroNax's next major anime." Gendo and Yui looked up at the tour group staring at them and snapping their picture. Gendo quickly withdrew and wiped away the line of spittle that connected their lips. "Yes, I'll speak to you about... that project later, Miss Ikari." "Of course, Mr. Rokubungi." Yui bowed, starting to go for the full, kiss her own feet kind, but realized at this distance, it would put her head right in Gendo's crotch, so she cut it short and hurried off. Gendo smiled, gave a little wave to the watching crowd, then headed for the elevators. *** "Congratulations." "Thanks. What for?" Gendo said as he sat at his desk. "Yui. Unless I'm mistaken in thinking you two spent the night together." "Nope. That's right. Best night of my life. Except when her nephew came home." He looked at Kozo. "You hate me?" "No, I'm jealous as fuck." Gendo grinned. "You should be." "She's not that big, is she?" "Well, no, but..." Gendo held his hand up. "They're the perfect size for my hand." Kozo held up his hand and compared it to Gendo's. "Damn." "Kozo." "Yeah?" "I love her." "Yeah, yeah. Don't rub it in or I'll kick your ass again." Gendo spun his chair to face Kozo, then held out his hand. "Show me some love." Kozo looked at him, his brow creasing. "Fuck off!" "Or not. Sheesh." *** The sun cast its morning rays through the windows of the head of Studio MicroNax's office, bathing all the occupants in golden light. The director was in a most important meeting regarding the future of 'Project E' and almost the studio itself. "In three months we hope to begin production of a 26 episode series called 'Project E' and we're interested in you to serve as the director," Keel Lorenz said formally, sitting at his desk and observing the small group before him. "He'll consider it, Mr. Lorenz," the young woman of the group said. "However, he requests all the materials you have currently for evaluation of your offer." "Yes, of course, Miss Horaki. We have all current materials here, and if you'd like to meet the two men who came up with the id--" "Not until a final decision has been reached. We will contact you later with that decision. Good day." The group stood simultaneously, and exited the office. *** At lunchtime, the mood was in the cafeteria was decidedly tense. Gendo and Kozo made their way to Yui's table. "What's with all the whispering?" Gendo asked, "I haven't seen this place this uptight since the director's children brought silly string, live skunks and fire ants in," Kozo added. "Tomorrow," Yui began in a whisper, "is supposed to be a surprise efficiency inspection. Inspector Katsuragi's going to be here, so we all have to be on our toes." Gendo elbowed Kozo in the side. "Here's your chance. She's waiting for you." "Oh, Kozo, are you interested in the inspector?" Yui asked innocently. "No! Gendo, stop saying that stuff! I am not interested in that woman! Everyone says she's easy, and she'd have to be to go out with Kaji." Yui tsked. "Those are just rumors though. She might be a very nice woman. You know, if Mr. Kaji asked me out, I don't think I'd mind so much." "Hey!" "I meant before, silly," she chided gently. "He's very charming. Inspector Katsuragi might just be easily swayed by his charm." Gendo and Kozo nodded thoughtfully. "Or maybe he just has a big dick." Gendo choked on his lunch, and spit out a large piece of chicken when Kozo slapped him on the back. "Jeezus, Yui!" Gendo yelled. "What?" she asked innocently. *** "Can I come over tonight?" "If you want to." "Oh, definitely." Gendo leaned in for a kiss. "And here you see two of Studio MicroNax's employees about to engage in a public display of affection. This is the co-creator of the studio's latest project, G--" "Will you stop that!" Gendo barked at the guide and her gaggle of tourists. "Is it that hard to find a moment of privacy around here? I'll see you later tonight, Yui." *** Kozo watched them walk down the street, Gendo in a different suit than the one he had been wearing for the past three days, and Yui straightening it for him. There was a great ache in his chest that was his heart being ground into little bits and tossed to wild dogs in the streets of his sorrow. Or something like that. "Are we ready for the inspection?" Gendo nodded, all business for once, and Yui did the same. The three entered the studio's front doors and made their ways to their designated work areas quickly and efficiently, without pausing for any of the usual pleasantries. "She'll be here at nine sharp," Gendo said. "You take the garbage..." "...and you take the papers." Inspector Misato Katsuragi was no friend of the studio, but her "efficiency" inspections seemed more designed to weedle out the employees who were doing things that they shouldn't have been. Most employees cleaned their desks and cubicles to look clean, organized, yet still sufficiently busy. Someone who was not busy, or overly busy, was not working efficiently, which was something the inspector loved to point out. "We actually have work to do, right?" Gendo asked. "I have that paperwork I've been putting off for a month now just for surprise inspections," Kozo answered as they stepped into the elevator. "I think we're adequately efficient then. I hope she wears one of those short skirts again." "Do you ever stop?" "You should really give it a shot. The worst thing she can do is say no, and you've lost nothing if she does." Gendo suddenly grinned. "And I know you want to see her in one of those short and so very efficient skirts too. Don't deny it." "Stop grinning at me!" "I knew it." *** The doors to the studio opened, and in walked Inspector Katsuragi, dressed in her full efficiency mistress outfit. She wore it to good effect, stunning the men, and intimidating the women, making it easier to finish her job. "Hey, babe." Misato ignored Kaji as she went to the reception desk and stared at the woman there. Surprise inspection indeed. Someone had tipped the studio off again. "May I help you, Inspector Katsuragi?" the receptionist asked in a sickeningly polite and helpful voice. Misato narrowed her eyes, then moved on with Kaji trailing after her. *** "She's coming!" With that call, everyone burst into controlled fits of work. Not too lazy, not too busy... just right. Gendo and Kozo pulled out their stashes of paperwork and began working on them while they listened intently for the sound of the elevator. At the sound of the signifying chime, they bore down and began to scribble away at terrifying speeds. Every click of a high heel on the tiled hall, sent their blood pressure rising another point. This woman was tough as nails, and she didn't take crap. It was easy enough to talk about her and her reputation when she wasn't about to swoop down on them and tear them new orifices for not having their pencils organized. "Good morning, Inspector Katsuragi!" the first victim said loudly enough to alert the others. He would receive a generous donation of coffee creamer, sugar packets, and plastic-wrapped forks for his sacrifice. As the inspector moved from cubicle to cubicle, there were a chorus of voices that indicated her arrival, and her progress through the office could be measured. At her current rate, Gendo and Kozo would be under the gun in less than ten minutes. "My hand is cramping," Gendo whispered. "You should work more often," Kozo replied, "and you wouldn't have this problem." "Gentlemen." Their estimates must have been wrong. The inspector was getting crafty. "Good morning, Miss Katsuragi!" She narrowed her eyes at them. "You two, pay the inspector the respect she deserves!" Kaji snapped at them. "Bow!" "Er..." "DO IT!" The two bowed, missing the look Misato gave to Kaji. "I think, Mr. Kaji, that I can find my way around. I don't need your help any longer, thank you," she said icily. "But you might--" "Leave, Mr. Kaji, before I report that you were attempting to impede my inspection. I'm sure getting fired would put a crimp in your dry-cleaning budget." Kaji slunk away like a kicked dog, and silent cheers were raised. "You look more lovely every inspection, Inspector," Gendo said, and tried not to appear guilty. Misato entered the cubicle and began to look around. "Try something original," she commented, looking at the papers on their desks. "Um... nice ass? Ow! Kozo, what the fu--" "Gentlemen!" She had turned and was now glaring at the two of them, though it seemed quite... perfunctory and lacking of real menace. "If I find out you were the ones that tipped this place off about the inspection, you won't be so lucky with Kaji next time." With that, she marched out of their cubicle. "That was close," Kozo said, finally releasing his breath. "'Nice ass'? What, do you have a death wish or something?" "No, she's just got a nice ass." "You're impossible." *** The lights flickered overhead as Gendo and Kozo finished up some work. The inspector had left some time ago to check on the other hapless employees, so they had returned, however reluctantly, to their _real_ work. "What the hell?" Kozo said and looked up. The lights flickered again for emphasis. Low murmuring began to spread through the office as the lights continued to flicker about every half minute. "I bet Lorenz forgot to pay the electric bill again. Remember, four years ago when we had no power for a week? And then the old goat made us work overtime and didn't pay us for it?" Gendo offered helpfully, dredging up a hellish memory for everyone. "No way am I working a week without pay," Kozo grumbled, then tried to get back to his work. This time, the lights not only flickered, but went out. There was a random scream, as someone always seems to do in the situation, and then the emergency lights came on. Gendo threw down his pen. "Hurrah. We're screwed." Kozo sighed and looked at the papers he had just finished. "Well, marketing's only nine floors up. The stairs... shouldn't kill me outright." "Good luck." Kozo gathered his papers and headed for the stairs. Of course, marketing would want this today, ASAP, dead or alive... And then they'd just end up putting it on a pile to sit for a month before they remembered there was something they had to do. God, his life sucked. It only took five minutes and a lot of wheezing and puffing to get up the stairs. All that for a half a breath's worth of work, toss papers into a basket and then leave. At least the stairs down would be less heart attack-inducing. Kozo was about to open the door to the stairwell when the lights suddenly came back on. "My heart thanks you," he said quietly and hurried to the elevator. A car arrived, and out got a few bedraggled passengers, all sweating like they had been in an oven. Kozo didn't think much of it as he got in and pushed the button for his floor. He stood against the back wall and whistled quietly to himself as the doors slid shut. The car descended one floor and stopped. The doors opened and Kozo instinctively stood up straighter; Inspector Katsuragi entered the car and pushed the button for the ground floor. The doors closed, and once again the car began to descend. The two passengers stayed silent, not even looking at one another, barely even acknowledging that there was another living organism there. Except Kozo noticed that the barely-existent other organism _was_ wearing a very short skirt, and it was a rather pleasant view. The lights of the elevator flickered overhead, and Kozo managed to say, "Oh shit," before they went out and the elevator ground to a halt. *** Gendo rubbed his temple. "That's enough for today." In the relative darkness and mulling employees, no one really noticed him walk out of his cubicle to the stairwell. He descended the stairs lightly, whistling as he went, until he reached the first floor. No one would miss Yui, not in this chaos. Lorenz was probably having an attack with Katsuragi visiting and all. At the door to the rooms where the tour "crew"--as they had lobbied not to be referred to as girls or ladies--got ready, he knocked. They attacked like vicious dogs if anything resembling a male stepped through the door. "Yeah, whatta ya want?" Gendo took a step back from the face that appeared as the door opened a bit. "Um... I need to see Miss Ikari," he answered hesitantly. "Why?" "Er... Director Lorenz needs her to show around some visiting... uh... people. From Germany. They're rich. And want a tour. All day. She won't be back. Until tomorrow. And--" The door shut. Gendo knocked again quietly. "Um?" The door opened again, and out stepped Yui. "Rich German tourists that the director wants me to show around all day again? I hate that. Oh, it's you, Gendo. What is it?" "Again? We're leaving. Power's out, they think you're doing something for the old goat. You're free." He grabbed her around the waist. "Free in a manner of speaking, anyway." He almost kissed her, but looked all around first. Finding it clear of tour groups, Gendo kissed Yui soundly. "Now that we've done that and weren't interrupted again, let's go. Your place sounds good," Gendo said, pulling on Yui's hand as he headed for the door. "But what about Kozo?" "I don't want to go over to his place. You're much better looking with your clothes off. Er... I don't mean... You know what I mean." "I think." *** Kozo loosened his tie and undid the top button of his shirt. So that's why those people that got off the elevator had been sweating so heavily. Without circulation, it was a broasting oven in there. He wiped his forehead on the sleeve of his jacket. The inspector was looking quite uncomfortable herself, and eventually gave in, taking her jacket off. Kozo had to avert his eyes now that she was dressed only in a sheer white shirt and that black skirt. He was going to kill Gendo when he got out of the elevator out of pure frustration. It was as good a concept as any since Freud had linked sex to violence. "I'm gonna kill you," he said softly. "Excuse me?" "Er... not you! Just that... I know Gendo... er, my cubicle-mate, is probably taking the rest of the day off, and... I really shouldn't be saying this to you." Misato waved her hand tiredly. "At this point, I don't care. Getting out of this building alive will be enough for the studio to pass." She leaned against one wall and slid to the floor. Kozo quickly averted his eyes after taking a small peek. "I feel lucky to get out here at the end of each day. Gendo's not worried, but I know Kaji's gunning for us." "He is." Kozo took off his jacket, and he vaguely wondered if they had enough oxygen to last the power outage. "What did you mean about Kaji before, when you were at our cubicle?" "He's such a shallow little twerp, he's out to get you just because he's annoyed that you got promoted. I imagine he'll be in a worse mood when he figures out that I don't want to see him again." "Hm?" "Well..." *** Forty-five minutes after leaving Studio MicroNax, Yui opened the door to her apartment, Gendo threw a wad of money at Kaworu, and Kaworu left without saying a word. *** Forty-five minutes after leaving his aunt's apartment, Kaworu returned, listened at the door, smiled, and left again. *** Forty-five minutes after _that_ Kaworu returned. He knocked on the door and said loudly, "I'm coming in. Put some clothes on! Or not; I don't mind." *** Forty-five minutes after that, the power lurched back to life at the studio. Asuka waited impatiently for the elevator to arrive so she could finally leave. She was bored, but not so bored that she'd actually walk down the stairs. The elevator chirped, signaling its arrival. "It's about damned ti--" Asuka's eyebrow twitched as the contents of the elevator were revealed to her. "Elevator's full. Sorry." Misato, hair in disarray, lipstick smeared and covering herself with a shirt, reached up and pushed the door close button. "Sorry," Kozo added as the doors shut in Asuka's face. *** "The elevator? You dog!" "Not so loud. I want to keep this quiet. Kaji will be all over us if he finds out." Gendo punched his friend's shoulder. "Good job. I'm surprised you had it in you. Or should I say--" "No, you shouldn't." Kozo fell silent for a moment, then spoke up. "Yesterday was a good day, wasn't it?" "That it was, and there will be more yesterdays to come." "Gendo, you're almost as good as a fortune cookie." "That's what Yui said." "What?" "Sweet and hard and a surprise inside." "Excuse me while I throw up." *** At lunch, Gendo and Yui went out, and were taking their time at a little beefbowl counter around the corner. "I think we should move in. Consolidate our assets, minimize our expenses, keep each other company..." "No." "But, Yui..." She turned on her stool and looked Gendo directly in the eyes. "Living together would be immoral." Gendo stared. "I-immoral? But we--" "Living together without being married is immoral. I just can't do it." Yui put her hands over his. "I know you understand, because you're an understanding man." "No, I don't understand. Yui, we... shared something special, and that's okay, but living together isn't? Are you kidding me?" "No, I'm not. I don't want to move that fast. Living together is a lot bigger step than just having sex. There's commitment there. Your things and my things get mixed together, we buy things together, we share responsibility..." "We already share responsibility! I bring condoms!" Yui held his hand tighter. "Gendo, I'm not saying no forever. I'm just saying no right now. I don't want to break up or anything." Gendo stood and pulled is hand away. "I need to think about this," he said tersely. He headed out quickly, but not back to the studio. He had some thinking to do. *** "Really? No." Kozo laughed quietly. "Two. Up north. Never been, but... trying. I do? Thanks. Yours is too. Yeah, it's sexy. Mm, say that again..." "Kozo?" "Oh, hold on a second." Kozo covered the phone with his hand. "Is there--Yui! What's wrong?" He spoke into the phone again. "I'll call you back." Kozo hung up the phone and turned his attention to Yui. "What's wrong?" Yui wiped her eyes with a napkin as she sat in Gendo's chair. "He... I... I made him leave. He left and... and..." She dissolved into sobs. "What did he do? What did he do? I'll find him and make him set it right." "It was me... I told him I didn't want to live together because I wanted a commitment," Yui said, taking deep breaths and trying not to break into tears again. "Ouch. No wonder." Kozo scooted his chair so he was right in front of her, their knees touching. He took her hand and spoke gently to her. "Think of Gendo like a mule. He's stubborn, not too bright, and he's got big ears. If you push, he's going to fight back. You want a commitment, and if it meant he got laid whenever he wanted to, he'd agree to it in a minute. But don't talk in terms of no; talk in terms of yes." "Yes?" "Like... don't say that he can't move in until you're married. Say it like when you get married, you can live together. See how that works?" "I... guess." "He'll forget all about it the moment you start to undress anyway. I know I would." Yui smiled a little and blushed. "Kozo, you say the sweetest things." "Yeah, I know." *** Gendo sat in his apartment and stared out the window. He didn't want to think about what Yui had said. Commitment... It was the most frightening word he knew, but he had an inkling that it was due to Naoko. The concept of spending the rest of his life with her was enough to turn the strongest man to complete jelly. But Yui... Would it be so bad? Did he think he could live without her? People got married every day. Granted, about half of them got divorced later on, but this was Yui. He would have to be out of his mind, or her be a completely psychotic slagbeast to ever separate. His stomach growled to distract him from those melancholy thoughts, and Gendo trudged into the kitchen. He grabbed something from the freezer encased in a generous block of ice and tossed it in the microwave. Hey, Kozo had his piece of tail now, and Gendo had his trusty old friend: the JA Electronics 1200-SX microwave oven (complete with miniature microwave cookbook, which he never used). Yep, it would never leave him for a more accommodating outlet, or ask for a commitment... He set the timer to five minutes and hit the start button. Nothing happened. Gendo slapped its side and jabbed the star button again. Still nothing happened. "Stupid piece of junk," he snarled and hit it harder, this time on the side and on top. "God damned JA shitty construction. Using a bunch of left over plastic cereal toys from Taiwan..." He glared at the microwave. "To hell with this. I can fix you. I don't need a repairman, or a new microwave, or even Yui." *** "Thank you, Kozo. You've always been such a good friend." Yui wiped her eyes again, taking to heart the things she had been told. "I just wish it wasn't me the one always relying on you." "Think nothing of it, Yui. Hey, I know as well as anyone what an idiot Gendo is sometimes. Okay, most of the time. But he does mean well." They both stood, and Yui hugged Kozo, which he returned. "And here you see on of the creators of Studio MicroNax's next major feature engaging in a platonic hug with his co-creator's significant other, which recently demanded commitment, which is fortunate since yesterday, there was an incident with Inspector Katsuragi in an elevator, and they are now linked. Moving on..." Kozo blinked. "What the hell?" "A tour group. Don't mind them." *** Gendo sat on the floor, surrounded by pieces of his microwave oven. He held up two pieces of device innards and looked at them. "Those fuckers at Jet Alone Electronics have no idea what they're doing. I could make a microwave better than this!" he yelled, and hurled the pieces across the room. It really didn't take that long to put the microwave back together, and he only had a couple pieces left over, not counting the ones he had removed on purpose. "Mine will be better. I'll start my own company... Monolith Microwave Incorporated. Then they'll see," Gendo grumbled as he situated the microwave on his counter all back in one piece. He plugged it in, put his brick of ice in it, then set it for five minutes. A short prayer, and then he hit start. To his satisfaction, the microwave began humming happily as it blasted his food with radiation. "Just the way it should be." Gendo, satisfied with his efforts, went into the other room to watch the tiny black and white TV he had. "Damn... Giants lose again? I knew I should have put my money on the Tigers. Oh well." He changed the channel. "Fat guys in thongs. Bad karaoke." Gendo paused very briefly on the CHiPs reruns, then changed the channel again. He didn't hear the ominous ticking noise from the kitchen as his food dethawed. "Baseball... Hockey. I will never understand that. News. All samurai, all cheesy, all the time. All martial arts, all cheesy, all the time. All anime... urgh. I work with it, I don't need to watch it. Five hundred channels, and I can't find anything to watch for five minutes. What crap." Gendo continued to flip through the channels until the microwave beeped reassuringly, letting him know that his food was done and all was right with the world. "I bet it cooks better too. Should be Junk Always, not Jet Alone. Or Just Apieceofcrap. Justshowusyourmoney Andwe'lltakeit." With a disgusted snort, Gendo took one step into the kitchen. The blast could be felt through the entire floor, as well as two floors above and below. The fire fighters told him how amazed they were that the whole place hadn't been consumed with fire, and that he hadn't been hurt more severely than some minor burns along his arms and on his hands. There would be scarring, of course, but that was what happened when a piece of fiery, irradiated metal embedded itself into a person's hand. They had managed to get most of it out, even. Don't worry, they said. It'll work itself out eventually, they said. And it won't appear too grotesque, they said. Gendo left the hospital with some donated clothing that looked ridiculous on him. The black jacket practically hung to his knees, and the red turtleneck was too tight for his liking. He had no place to stay, no clothes to wear, nothing to eat... But there was one person who would take him in. Couldn't refuse in fact. That's what best friends were for, after all. Kozo would understand. *** "Let me in!" Gendo yelled and pounded on the door again. "I need food!" The door opened a fraction, and Kozo looked out. "What do you want? And what's with that outfit? It looks ridiculous." "My microwave exploded. I've got no place to stay, no clothes, no silverware, and I--" "Why do you have no silverware?" "It was all plastic and melted. Come on, let me in! It's just for a little while!" Kozo frowned. "Well, I guess for a little bit." "Great, I can--" Gendo tried to push his way in, but Kozo blocked the door. "Wait out here for a second." Kozo closed the door and engaged the deadbolt. A few moments later, the door opened, and Gendo stepped inside. Odd. Kozo was in a robe. Had he just been to the public ba-- "Kozo, I should go. I have an inspection of the... Oh, hello." Gendo stared as the woman he knew as Inspector Katsuragi, the most no-nonsense bitch to ever step foot into Studio MicroNax, walked out. She put in her other earring and turned attention back to Kozo. "I'll call you tomorrow." "All right." The two men watched her go. "You stupid, idiotic, half-witted...!" Kozo raged. "You have the worst timing!" "Sorry. But until my place gets fixed up, this is where I am. Besides, if I'm not getting any, neither are you," Gendo said, grinning. ------------------- TBC -- omake -- "You're strutting, Gendo. Did you suddenly get a wardrobe of purple velvet?" "No, I don't own any purple clothes." Yui held his arm tighter. "But you looked so cute in purple last night," she cooed. "I told you how those chafed, Yui," he said quietly. She pouted, while Gendo received a strange look from Kozo. Gendo sniffed and pulled his pants up. "Yui's panties were just too small to contain my monster package." Yui giggled. "I take it they were purple." "Yeah. I mean... Forget I said anything." - Lara "You know what the beauty of pancakes is? They're flexible so you can cram a lot into your mouth at once."