From: Lara Bartram Subject: [Eva][FanFic] Two Salarymen: The Wedding {Shin Seiki Evangelion/Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Gainax, Hideaki Anno and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto. The use of their material in this work is not intended for profit, and shall not be used in that way.} Two Salarymen: The Wedding by Lara Bartram an official omake -------------------------- "Nervous?" "Are you kidding? Would you be if you were in my position?" Kozo chuckled. "Yeah, suppose I would be. Still, I mean heck, I barely like you and I think it's pretty exciting you're getting married." Gendo looked over at his friend suspiciously. "Whatever you're trying to accomplish, it's not working." "You're not getting cold feet?" There was an almost painful pause as Gendo stopped to think about it. "No, not really. I'm nervous, but I just imagine the look on Yui's face..." He shook his head. "She'd kill me." "I never thought it would come down to this: you, whipped and happy about it." Kozo clapped Gendo on the back. "Did your nephew buy you this tux too?" "Shut the fuck up." *** "Sempai, why are we here?" Maya adjusted the bow tie of her tuxedo as she looked at all the people she didn't know milling about the huge lawn decorated in white streamers, balloons, and flowers. There were tables and chairs set out under the sun and blue sky, with birds singing in the trees around. It seemed strangely idyllic, too perfect. Farther back were rows of chairs and a small stage-like construction where the ceremony itself would take place. Ritsuko sighed. She drew looks from the other guests dressed in her simple, yet stunning, white power suit. "You wouldn't understand, Maya. Besides, it gives us an opportunity to dress up for a nice private gathering." She slipped her arm around her lover's waist and pulled her close. "Gimme some sugar, baby." Maya giggled briefly, then leaned up and kissed Ritsuko. "You're the king, sempai." "And don't forget it." Ritsuko spied several platters of food being carried out from the house and to a long table set up under a tent. "Great. Let's get some food before it gets picked over by everyone else." She grabbed Maya's hand and hurried over. *** "Here." Yui looked at her nephew. "You want me to fall asleep in the middle of the ceremony? Get that whiskey out of here. God, you're incorrigible." "Kaworu, shoo. Go sit with your friend and let my sister have some peace before she ends her life." "Oh, Mother, your humor is as dry as a good martini," Kaworu said flatly and left the room after sticking his tongue out at his mother. She swatted him on the rear as he walked past. "So my little sister's really going through with it," she said with a wry smile as she leaned against the doorway. "I was starting to worry about you, you know." "Now you sound like Mom. Help me fix my hair." "Your hair is fine. I met your man earlier. He's... How do I put it?" Yui turned and smiled at her older sister. "It's okay. You can say it. Did he hit on you?" The sister blinked rapidly. "Noooo... I just saw him outside the door with one of his friends trying to get a glimpse of you without your clothes on." That brought a different kind of smile to Yui's face. "Those two," she said almost wistfully. "I don't think Misato would appreciate it, but boys will be boys." "Yui, that's a disgustingly naive and outdated way of thinking. No wonder you're marrying that man." Tears gathered in Yui's eyes. "It's not my fault I can't find the perfect man like you did, and have a perfect family, and the perfect job... You _are_ just like Mom." Yui looked back at the mirror and slumped. "Thanks. This is _just_ what I needed." "Oh... Oh, Yui, I didn't mean to... Oh, shit." *** "I'm going to enjoy this honeymoon." Gendo grinned as he started to take a drink of his punch. They had migrated outside to meet and greet the guests, and maybe spike the punch a little. "Oh crap. Hide me." He ducked behind Kozo. "Don't move." "Gendo, what are you doing?" "It's her! God, she's back! Get me the hell out of here!" Kozo tried to turn around, but Gendo was holding him effectively in place. "Dammit, Gendo. What's your problem?" Gendo peered around his friend. "It's Naoko! What the fuck is she doing here?" Kozo looked through the crowd. "Whoa. I didn't notice her now that she's not about to pop. It is too bad she's a wanton whore, because she has just the tightest--hi, Misato." He tossed back the rest of his drink. "What's he hiding from?" Misato asked as she peered around Kozo's back at the cowering Gendo. "The woman he used to be having sex with, who was a huge slut and got knocked up, then told him it was his kid even though the entire nation of Sudan had a better chance than him of paternity." He kissed Misato on the cheek. "And what were you up to?" "Mingling. I was surprised to see so many people here." "So am I. They must all be Yui's friends. Gendo doesn't have that many." "Thanks. Shit, I think she saw me!" Gendo tried to hide farther behind Kozo, to which the older man protested. "What are you doing? Crawling up my ass?" Kozo turned, swatting at Gendo. "Stop that! Just face up to her; she can't ruin your life more than she already did. Be a man for once." "Yeah, big talk when you're not the one who got the sloppy thirds and fourths." Kozo turned green. "Please, don't confuse facts with the issue at hand. And never say that again. It's just nasty." Misato watched them, a bemused and disgusted look on her face. "I don't want to know." The dress Naoko was wearing was so tight, and the heels she was wearing so tall that she didn't take full steps. She just minced along, though even she could make a mince look threatening. "Rokubungi! Gendo Rokubungi!" With a groan, Gendo decided that if he never heard that name again, it would be a good thing. Sad that it was his own name... "Gendo Rokubungi, don't hide from me!" Grimacing, Gendo stood and stepped from behind Kozo. "Hello," he said non-committally, trying not to look Naoko in the eye. "Will you _look_ at me when I'm talking to you?" Naoko demanded. "Oh, look... cake." Kozo walked away quickly, pulling Misato along, leaving Gendo completely defenseless. "Yes, cake." Gendo started to follow, but Naoko grabbed his arm before he could escape. "Don't try to change the subject. I need to speak with you." The last sentence was said with something less of Naoko's usual imperiousness and need for attention. Gendo could have almost mistaken it for nice actually. That was the only thing that really stopped him from trying harder for cake. "What is it, Naoko?" "First, I wanted to say I'm sorry. I know I was rather short with you back... then, but it was the hormones you understand. And you would have been the same if it had been _your_ child you were coping with." Gendo nodded. He could sort of understand except that if it came around to _his_ kids, they wouldn't be Naoko's. "So," Naoko continued, "I just wanted to congratulate you. I can see that she's obviously much younger than me. And I'd like you to meet someone." She turned to gesture to someone. Gendo rolled his eyes. It was probably another boyfriend he had shared... He didn't want to think about it. "Here. This is Lilith..." Naoko held a baby in one arm for him to see. Lilith. That was a strange name, but not bad. It could certainly be worse." "And this is Genda." Gendo winced. Yes, that was definitely worse. "Well, I hope you're managing all right, and don't hit me up for money." Naoko laughed, though it was more of an insane cackle. "Oh, that's not necessary! I've found someone else now; I don't need you!" "Who? Who could possibly--" "Oh, he didn't want to come. Apparently you know him. My little Kaji-chan." Gendo turned away from the dreamy look on Naoko's face to gag. At that moment, Kaworu chose to appear and clutch his arm, followed shortly by Shinji, and even Asuka. A short glance was spared at Naoko, and an obligatory objection, but even this was better than being around the woman more than necessary. "Okay, kids, thanks for getting me out of there. You can stop now." The three children just giggled impishly and continued to pull him along. "I'm about to be gang-raped by three kids at my own wedding. Somebody help!" "What are you screaming about, Gendo?" Kozo asked as the teenagers suddenly released their captive, and disappeared into the crowd. "You should be thanking me for bribing them to get you away from Naoko." "You bribed them? With what?" "Well, you might be a little short in the underwear drawer, but I'm not admitting to anything." Gendo stared. Leaning over, Kozo whispered, "Did you buy those black ones for Yui or Kaworu?" As his face turned red from embarrassment and anger, Gendo clenched his fist and was ready take a shot at his friend when three men dressed in fancy military attire approached. "Excuse us. You're the groom, right?" Gendo stared at the men, with Kozo bearing his own puzzled look. "Do I know you?" "Probably not," the first one replied. "I'm Mel." "I'm Casper." "I'm Theo. Short for Balthazar." Gendo stared at them blankly. "We came here with Naoko," Mel said. "The wo--" "Yes, I _know_ who she is," Gendo interrupted testily, frowning, as Kozo snickered next to him. "Ah, well, this being a wedding and all, even though we didn't really know either of you, brought some gifts," Mel continued somewhat sheepishly. Gendo finally noticed the gifts in the men's hands. All the white they were wearing had distracted him. "What's with the outfits?" he asked, gesturing. Mel, being the designated speaker of the group, answered, "We're in the navy. Taking some shore leave as a favor to Naoko." "Well, thanks. You can just put the gifts inside." Gendo nodded as each man offered his congratulations. "I thought everyone in the navy was supposed to be gay," he whispered to Kozo when they were gone. "Wasn't your father in the navy?" "The Japanese navy, but my point still stands." "Gendo, I often wonder about your parents. What do they think of you? What could you possibly say to them to explain why you act like this?" "I was a crack baby." Kozo stared. "You know, I'd believe that. Really, except I think your parents would notice if that were true." "Fine... chronic immaturity. Is that better?" Kozo patted Gendo on the shoulder. "You're going to be Yui's problem. Better start thinking up excuses you're going to tell _her_." Gendo rolled up his sleeve to show the scribbling on his forearm. "Way ahead of you." *** Shinji giggled, along with Kaworu, as Asuka tried to ignore them. "You were ready to jump out of the cake nude at the bachelor party, weren't you?" "There wasn't a bachelor party," she answered, barely able to reign in her rage. "So you would have if there was?" Kaworu asked, drawing more laughs from Shinji. Asuka glared at him, then turned away, looking sullen. "Shut up." *** Kozo was returning from the washroom when a woman ran up and grabbed his arm. "You! You're the one I saw with... with what's-his-face!" Kozo blinked. "Gendo?" "Yes, him! Yui's crying and she won't stop. Can you talk to her? Please?" "I... guess so, but shouldn't Gendo--" "Oh thank you, thank you!" the woman said, gushing gratitude, and hauled him down a hallway. She opened a door and flung him into the room, and promptly shut the door. "Psycho woman! Jeezus!" "Th-that's my s-sister. Sh-she thinks I'm a l-l-l-ooooooser!" Kozo stared at the sobbing and bedraggled Yui. "Loser? What? What happened? Oh, God, you look so great in that dress." "I can't get married! I'm a loser! Gendo's a loser! My job is terrible, I have no money... I'm a total failure!" Kozo continued to stare. This wasn't good at all. *** Gendo took a deep breath as the guests began taking their seats. It was almost time. "Have you seen Kozo?" he asked Misato as she walked past. "No," she answered, honestly concerned with the situation. "I haven't seen him for an hour." "Damn. We need to get started here." Then horror dawned upon him. "You _bastard_." With that utterance, he rushed off to the room they had used for the bride to get ready in. Outside the door, he found Kaworu and Yui's sister. They both looked concerned. "What's wrong? What's wrong with Yui?" he asked, panting. "My mother," Kaworu began with a dour look on his face, "said some stupidly insensitive things, and now my aunt is sobbing her pretty blue eyes out. I think she needs your attentions." Gendo gave a firm nod to Kaworu, then knocked on the door. "Yui, I'm coming in." He opened the door almost violently. "Kozo! Get your hands off her!" "You dumbass, I'm trying to help her!" There was Kozo, patting Yui on the back as his bride-to-be sobbed on his tuxedo, blowing her nose in a worn tissue. "Oh, well, I'm here now. I'll take over. You go tell everyone things will be starting shortly." Kozo looked at Gendo with something close to awe. The command in his voice, like he knew what he was talking about. "All right. Good luck." "Thanks." As soon as Kozo was gone and the door was shut, Gendo sat with Yui, and wiped her eyes with a fresh tissue. "What's wrong? Don't you want to get married?" "Yes, but my sister... She doesn't think we'll... She doesn't think I..." "Who cares what she thinks." Gendo wiped Yui's cheeks and kissed her nose. "She's your sister; she doesn't run your life. It doesn't matter what she thinks because... you have me now." Yui began to cry harder. "And we'll take care of each other. This is a day to be happy, not sad." "Gendo..." "Yes?" "This isn't helping at all." Gendo sighed. "Fine. Maybe this will help." He gathered her billowy dress in one hand as he got down on his knees. "Gendo, what are you...?" Yui paused, stunned. "Oh, I-I see..." Her tears dried quickly after that. A few minutes later, Gendo emerged to find Kaworu and Yui's sister still waiting. He wiped his mouth, revealing the confident smile. "She'll be out as soon as she cleans up." Kaworu returned his smile. "You dog." Then the youth slapped Gendo on the butt. "Just because I'm in a good mood, I'll let you get away with that. Don't do it again though." He gave a lopsided grin to the boy and his mother, then went to take his place. The wedding was about to begin. *** All heads turned as Yui stepped into the aisle. She smiled brightly, nodding at familiar faces as she approached the platform. There she could see Gendo waiting and giving her a cocky smile. She had to be very careful that she didn't quicken her pace down the aisle, and just allowed the music to carry her. This was it. This was the day, the moment she had waited for. She needed a drink. Not that it mattered. Everything up to the moment she was required to speak was a huge blur in her mind. Reality crowded in on her when her name was mentioned. "Do you, Yui Ikari, take this man to be your husband?" They had decided to cut out all the rich/poor, sickness/health thing because life was just too short and weird, and they didn't want to chicken out before they were actually married. "I do." "Then unless there are any objections from the gathering, I now pronoun--" "SHINJI! Don't put my hand up!" "Oh, I know how disappointed you are that he'll be off the market, Sister." There was the sound of flesh hitting flesh, and then of flesh hitting the floor, followed by a chair toppling over. "There. Now you can take my worthless brother and nurse him back to health," Asuka snarled at Kaworu. "Oh goodie!" "--ceyoumanandwife. You may kiss." The audience stood and clapped as the two newlyweds kissed, and faced them. Despite her objections before, Maya was crying as Ritsuko put her arm around the younger woman. Rei was just staring at them, as Asuka pouted, and Kaworu attended to a dazed Shinji. Even Naoko, with her two children held to her breasts, was attempting to clap. At least she had waited until the ceremony was almost over. Gendo averted his eyes from her and concentrated on where he was stepping. He had to make sure he didn't step on Yui's dress, or trip and hurt himself. That would really ruin the honeymoon. He made it down the steps, with Yui on his arm, and could look forward again, at all the people. It was strange to experience personal success like this; he hadn't believed it would ever happen, and now that it had... "Congratulations." Gendo and Yui both nodded and thanked the friendly face. "Congratulations." "Congratulations." It seemed every person at the aisle offered congratulations as applause filled the air. This was it. This was really it. *** This is it. Gendo splashed his face with cold water and looked in the mirror. This really makes it official. There's still time to back out as long as you don't consummate it. He ran his fingers through his hair, making it stick up at odd angles, then smoothed it down again. I love Yui though. I love her enough to actually go through with this, to be married to her. He stood back and looked into the mirror. "Forever." He took off his glasses and set them on the sink. Gendo emerged from the washroom clad only in a pair of black boxers with the Tree of Life stenciled on them in red. He had to stop to catch his breath when he saw Yui waiting for him on the bed. She was dressed in the smallest, most see-through wisps of cloth he had ever imagined. With eyes wide as dinner plates, he walked to the side of the bed. Smiling coyly, Yui scissored her legs, her thighs rubbing together in an inviting and enticing manner. At the side of the bed, Gendo paused, then closed his eyes. Yui smiled at his reaction, and reached out to take his hand. To her surprise, Gendo dropped to his knees, his hands folded in front of his face, elbows propped on the bed. "Gendo, what are you doing?" "Praying." Yui looked down at him. "I didn't know you were a Christian." He looked up at her and smiled. "I don't really... practice it much, but sometimes, I just can't help myself." "What are you praying for?" "Just things in general. Looking at you, it's a good day to be alive." Yui's cheeks burned bright red, and she looked away. "You're just saying that." Gendo didn't answer. He bowed his head again and closed his eyes. "Lord," he began quietly, feeling self-conscious with Yui watching him, "please look over my friend, Kozo, because now he's got a very nice piece of as--ow!" "I don't think God would appreciate that kind of language," Yui said sternly. "Fine. Kozo's got something to look forward to in life now. And Inspector Katsuragi... though she'd probably look behind her because Kozo's that kind of dog--ow!" Yui hit him again, just for good measure. "Ow! All right!" Gendo cleared his throat and tried to resume his "prayer". "Thank you for the boatload of cash you gave us, and for the good fortune we've had. Without it, I wouldn't be about to score with the woman I've loved from the first moment I saw her." He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Is that better?" Yui wiped a tear away. "Yes. It was just so..." "And give me the ability to be a long-lasting monster in bed tonight. Amen." Gendo crossed himself and stood. "Now," he said, leering at Yui, "let's get to the honeymoon business." [Some time later...] Most of the "gifts" they had received had been money, as was customary, but there were a few gift gifts there as well. Gendo opened another ivory-colored envelope with their names written fancily on the front and put the contents in the pile. "I should get married every year. All this money for doing nothing--ow! I wish you would stop hitting me, Yui." She pinched his side. "Then stop acting like a child. And open those gifts." She leaned over Gendo's side as he picked up the first box. "Who's it from?" "It says... 'M C & B'. Those must be Naoko's friends." Gendo opened the small box and pulled out a bottle. "It's for you." Yui examined it, then removed the top and sniffed it. "Oh, this is nice," she said excitedly, and sprayed some on Gendo's neck. "Hey! Don't spray perfume on me! Argh! Now I smell!" Gendo tried to wipe it off with little success. "I know you smell," Yui said quietly and nuzzled his ear. "You smell very nice." She kissed the back of his ear and nibbled on the rim. "Oh, well," Gendo said weakly, his hand brushing against his new wife's cheek, "then I guess that's okay." "Now open those other presents." With a sigh, Gendo recovered from the debilitating technique Yui had used on him and grabbed another box. "This is from those guys too. That's just creepy that they would get us gifts; I don't even know them! Naoko cheated on me with them. This is just all twisted!" "Open it, open it, open it!" "Just... keep doing what you were doing." Yui flicked his ear. "Open it." "I think this is spouse abuse." "Before today though, it was just minor assault." Yui smiled. "Now it's spouse abuse." "All right, I'll open it. You're so unfair, manipulating me like this," Gendo groused and opened the box. He pulled out a bundle of carefully wrapped incense. "More smelly shit. I knew those guys were gay. Ow! Will you _stop_ it!" "As soon as you stop being a homophobic pig." "I guess I can get used to it. Ow! Look, there's another one," he said suddenly and grabbed the last box. This one was larger than the others, but from the same men. Gendo opened it and removed two gold candlesticks. "Uh... okay." "Well, it's the thought that counts," Yui said as she looked at the gifts. "And do you know what I'm thinking now?" "I can guess." *** [SEVERAL WEEKS LATER...] "Look! The wedding pictures are here!" Yui ran in and shook Gendo, who was asleep in his special heat/massage chair in his underwear. "The wedding pictures!" "Don't put my picture on the internet again," he mumbled and covered his face with a pillow. Yui plopped herself in his lap, awakening him instantly. "Ohhhh my God, that hurts," he gasped as all the strength was forced right from his body with the pain originating in his groin. Ignoring him, Yui opened the package. "The wedding pictures are here! Wake up! Look! Pi--" Instead of pulling out a tasteful portfolio of pictures, she pulled out a video disc. The joyous look on her face rapidly changed to one of puzzlement. She went and placed it in the player, then resumed her place in Gendo's lap and watched. At first, it started out as simple shots of the house, and some of the guests. A fancy title was displayed, declaring on this joyous date of September 13th, 2015, the Rokubungi-Ikari wedding occurred. Then there was some nice video footage of the guests, the wedding party, some of the ceremony, and then... Suddenly, it was all a bunch of line drawings, and scribbles all over the screen. Words started to flash, almost faster than she could read. [HATE] [LOVE] [HATE] [BANANA] [LOVE] [CONGRATULATIONS] [GENDO] [YUI] [DIE] [KILL SUZUHARA] [Directed by Toji Suzuhara] Yui blinked. "What the fuck?" The doorbell rang abruptly, which Yui hurried to answer. At the door was a deliveryman. "Ms. Ikair?" "Ikari." "Whatever. Sign here." Yui scribbled her name across the form, then took the package. "Thank you." As she closed the door, she examined the box. The return address was unfamiliar, but it could have been a late wedding gift, so she went to open it. Inside was a beautiful, leather-bound album with gorgeous pictures of the wedding, and a video disc. When she watched this one, she found lots of footage of all the guests, the house and decorations, the wedding party, the reception, greetings and congratulations from everyone... At the end of it, Yui had tears in her eyes. Also in the box, was a letter. 'Dear Mr. and Mrs. Ikari, we thought you might have some problem with your "photographer" so we took the liberty of putting this together for you. Hope you enjoy, and congratulations. Kensuke Aida and Hikari Horaki' "Oh, this is so sweet! Gendo! Get up! We have to have make-up sex for this! It's so sweet!" "Make-up? Were we fighting?" he asked groggily, his groin throbbing still. "No, but we will because you hired that Suzuhara creep to do our wedding pictures." [FADE TO BLACK] [FINITO] [OWARI] [END} ---omake omake--- "Yui, if I had known you'd be dressing me up in your lingerie every night... I would have asked you to marry me a lot sooner, you perverted little bitch." "Oh, what a dirty mouth you have. I'll have to punish you for that," Yui answered, grinning lewdly at him. "And you're certainly not worthy of wearing my fine undergarments, so... take them off. I never want to see you wearing those panties again." "Oh, will you punish me now?" "I'll get the paddle." [REAL END]